05x09 - Debbie Harry

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, send me over a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.

And make sure it talks.

-Uh, who are you?
-I'm Glenda Jackson.

-And you must be Pops, the doorman.
-And I'm Eric.

Glenda Jackson?

-No, Eric.
-Not the famous actress?

-Yes.
-That's right.

Eric, not the famous actress.

Beats me why you stars hang around
with creeps like that.

I'm not his creep. I'm his limousine.

Drive on!

[ENGINE STARTS THEN ACCELERATES]

Dressing Room 1, you can't miss it!

[TIRES SCREECH THEN CRASHING]

See?

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Glenda Jackson! Yay!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

-♪ To have to watch the show ♪
-♪ To have to watch the show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[HONKING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you.
Welcome again to The Muppet Show.

And we have some wonderful things
planned for the show tonight.

We have centipede tag-team wrestling.

We have the singing marinated turnips.

And best of all,

we have the fabulously versatile actress,
Glenda Jackson!

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

Yes. But first--
But first, here is Gonzo the Great

in a semiautobiographical extravaganza.

Ladies and gentlemen, Gonzo the Great!
Yeah!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

♪ Well, I had just got out
From the county prison ♪

♪ Doin' ninety days for non-support ♪

[CHICKENS SQUAWK]

♪ Tried to find me an executive position ♪

♪ But no matter how smooth I talked ♪

♪ They wouldn't listen to the fact
That I was a genius ♪

♪ The man say
"We got all that we can use" ♪

♪ Now I got them ♪

♪ Steadily depressin'
Low down mind messin' ♪

♪ Working at the car wash blues ♪

♪ Well, I should be sittin' ♪

♪ In an air conditioned office
In a swivel chair ♪

♪ Talkin' some trash to the secretaries ♪

♪ Sayin, "Here, now mama
Come on over here" ♪

♪ Instead, I'm stuck here
Rubbin' these fenders with a rag ♪

♪ And walkin' home in soggy old shoes ♪

♪ With them steadily depressin'
Low down mind messin' ♪

♪ Workin' at the car wash blues ♪

♪ You know a man of my ability ♪

♪ He should be smokin' on a big cigar ♪

♪ But 'til I get myself straight
I guess I'll just have to wait ♪

♪ In my rubber suit a-rubbin' these cars ♪

[CLUCKING TO MELODY]

♪ Well, all I can do is a-shake my head ♪

♪ You might not believe that it's true ♪

♪ Workin' at this end
Of Niagara Falls ♪

♪ Is an undiscovered Howard Hughes ♪

♪ So, baby, don't expect to see me ♪

♪ With no double martini
In any high-brow society news ♪

♪ I got them ♪

♪ Steadily depressin'
Low down mind messin' ♪

♪ Workin' at the car wash blues ♪

Hmm!

Oh, Miss Leghorn?

Would you take a letter?

[CLUCKING]

[GONZO GASPS]

Forget the letter, Miss Leghorn.

Let's take the afternoon off.

♪ So, baby, don't expect to see me ♪

♪ With no double martini
In any high-brow society news ♪

♪ 'Cause I got them ♪

♪ Steadily depressin'
Low down mind messin' ♪

♪ Workin' at the car wash blues ♪

♪ Yeah, I got them steadily depressin'
Low down mind messin' ♪

♪ Workin' at the car wash blues ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

That was a great number,
I don't care what you say.

I thought it was dumb.

Maybe you're right.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Ahoy there?

Uh, oh, ahoy, Glenda.

-May I come in?
-Come aboard.

Officer of the watch,
pipe the frog aboard.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Uh, thank you. I wanted to make sure

-you were comfortable.
-Me? Oh, any old port in a storm.

Mm-hm. Well, I'm sorry I've been so busy.

Bilge-wash. I'm glad to see you
run a tight little ship.

Uh, Glenda, do you have any connection
with the sea?

Meet Black Jackson,
the heartless pirate captain! A-ha!

And I be Eric,
the heartless pirate parrot!

BOTH:
Ha, ha!

That's silly.
You're not a parrot. You're a penguin.

This be a disguise.

Ha, ha!

Oh, yeah? Well, take it off.

-No.
-A-ha.

What's the matter? Aren't you wearing
your parrot suit underneath?

And get it crumpled?

He do be a ruthless, heartless pirate,
but he do like his privacy.

-[BAND PLAYS DRAMATIC STING]
-Ha, ha!

Uh, wait a second.
I didn't order that music sting.

-No, I did! I'm taking over!
-Yeah!

You and whose army?

Me and my army.

Ha, ha!

Ah, look alive now, me bonny boyos.

One, two, three, four.

You go stealthy now
and we do be masters of this tub.

[ALL CHEER]

Wait a minute. You can't take over
my theater with this motley band.

They will have the help
of Short John Silver!

-Ha, ha!
-Ha, ha!

Ah! Et tu, Sweetums?

Actually, I think he ate three.

Perhaps you'd better count the chickens.

♪ Now, the best know-how
That a pirate's got ♪

♪ Tie-aye, tie the man down ♪

♪ Is what knot's what
And what knot's not what ♪

♪ Give me the rope to tie the man down ♪

♪ In a pirate ship
Or a little-bitty yacht ♪

♪ Tie-aye, tie the man down ♪

-♪ Half-hitch ♪
-♪ Clove-hitch ♪

-♪ Reef knot ♪
-♪ Granny knot ♪

-♪ Monkey's fist ♪
-♪ And the sheepshank knot ♪

♪ There's knots to knot
And knots to not knot ♪

♪ A splice is nice but a noose is not ♪

♪ It goes with a hitch and hanks a lot ♪

♪ Give me some rope ♪

[ALL SHOUTING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, that was not too terrific.

It not be our fault.
No one showed us the ropes.

All ashore that's going ashore!

All a--

[GROANING]

I have told you never to do that
when I am giving orders.

How come he doesn't have that patch
over his eye?

He's Dead Ear d*ck.

All ashore that's going ashore!

-Wait. We're al--
-All ashore--

Whoa, Glenda. We're already ashore.

No, we are not, you silly frog.

We've cast off
to look for buried treasure.

What?

Buried treasure.
You know, pieces of eight, doubloons,

15 men on a Dead Man's Chest,
yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum.

Hold it, hold it, that's ridiculous.

I'm not gonna go along
with anything ridiculous like that.

-Oh, yes, you are.
-What?

-Tie him up, lads!
-Yeah. Right.

-Come on, tie up the frog!
-No, this is my...

Weigh the anchor!

We did. Two and a half tons.

Dead Ear!

He learns slow, but he learns good.

Cast off the bow lines!

-Hey!
-Cast off the stern lines!

Cast off the punch lines!

Yeah!

Glenda, Glenda. Wait a second.
This is a theater.

Oh, it is, is it?

Set a course for the Spanish Maine!

[ALL CHEERING]

Listen! Listen!

[WATER SPLASHING AND SEAGULLS SQUAWKING]

Kermit, we're underway.

Yeah.

Nice special effect.

You think we tied him too tight?

No, no, no.
His eyes were always like that.

Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen,
we present that fabulous--

[GROANING]

Uh, folks, things are a little weird here
tonight, so try and bear with us.

And to help you bear with us,
we have a bear with us.

That king of near-miss comedy,
Fozzie Bear!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

Hey. Did you hear
about the new sport they have?

Yeah, you walk through five miles
of poison ivy.

It's called itch-hiking. Ah!

[WOOD CREAKING]

Whoa. Whoa.

Brief the colors!

Strike the top mizzen and the gallons!

Avast, me hearties!

Jib the spinnaker!

Coming about!

Heartily!

Whoa! Whoa!

Boy, it sounds so nautical.

I know, isn't it amazing?

I could never pass my driving test,
but all this seems to come very naturally.

Heave-ho, me hearties!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Kermit!

Kermit!

-Why aren't you doing your monologue?
-Look.

♪ Oh, blow ye winds, hi-ho ♪

♪ A-roving we will go ♪

♪ We'll stay no more
'Round England's shore ♪

♪ So let the music play-ay-ay ♪

♪ We're off for the morning train ♪

♪ We'll cross the raging main ♪

♪ I'm off for my love with a boxing glove
Ten thousand miles away ♪

I don't believe this.

♪ A capital ship for an ocean trip
Is the walloping window blind ♪

♪ No wind that blew can despair her crew ♪

♪ Or trouble the captain's mind ♪

♪ The man at the wheel can't help but feel
Contempt for the wildest blow ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Though it often appears
When the typhoon clears ♪

♪ He's been down in his bunk below ♪

♪ Oh, blow ye winds, hi-ho ♪

♪ A-roving we will go ♪

♪ We'll stay no more
On England's shore ♪

♪ So let the music play-ay-ay ♪

♪ We're off for the morning train ♪

♪ We'll cross the raging main ♪

♪ I'm off for my love with a boxing glove
Ten thousand miles away ♪

[PIRATES CHEERING AND SHOUTING]

♪ The bosun's mate is very sedate
Yet fond of amusement too ♪

♪ He plays hopscotch
On the starboard watch ♪

♪ While the captain tickles the crew ♪

♪ The gunner's not bad
But he's totally mad ♪

♪ For he sits on the after ra-ai-ail ♪

♪ And fires salutes
To the captain's boots ♪

♪ In the teeth of a raging gale ♪

-♪ Oh, blow ye winds, hi-ho ♪
-♪ Hi-ho ♪

-♪ A-roving we will go ♪
-♪ We'll go ♪

♪ We'll stay no more
On England's shore ♪

♪ So let the music play-ay-ay ♪

-♪ I'm off for the morning train ♪
-♪ Yo-ho ♪

-♪ I'll cross the raging main ♪
-♪ Ahoy ♪

♪ I'm off for my love with a boxing glove
Ten thousand miles away ♪

♪ Ten thousand miles ♪

♪ Away ♪

[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

[INAUDIBLE]

Well, if you can't b*at them, join them.

♪ Nothing could be finer
Than to be in Carolina in the ♪

[SQUAWKS THEN WHISTLES]

♪ Morning ♪

♪ No one could be sweeter than my sweetie
When I greet her in the ♪

[SQUAWKS THEN WHISTLES]

♪ Morning ♪

♪ Where the morning glories ♪

♪ Twine around the door ♪

♪ Whispering pretty stories ♪

♪ Pretty stories, pretty stories ♪

♪ I long to hear once more ♪

[SQUAWKING]

♪ Strolling with my girlie
Where the dew is pearly early in the ♪

[SQUAWKS THEN WHISTLES]

♪ Morning ♪

♪ Butterflies all flutter up
And kiss each little buttercup at ♪

[SQUAWKS THEN WHISTLES]

♪ Dawning ♪

♪ If I had Aladdin's lamp for only a day ♪

♪ I'd make a wish
And here's what I'd say ♪

Hi, toots.

♪ Nothing could be finer
Than to be in Carolina in the ♪

♪ Morning ♪

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

♪ If I had Aladdin's lamp for only a ♪

[WHISTLES]

♪ I'd make a ♪

♪ Here's what I'd ♪

[SQUAWKS]

♪ Nothing could be finer
Than to be in Carolina in the ♪

[SQUAWKS THEN WHISTLES]

♪ Morning ♪

Pieces of eight.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[WIND WHISTLING AND SHIP CREAKING]

-Oh.
-Good grief. Scooter, what are you doing?

You're supposed to be setting up
the next act.

Oh, I'm feeling a little seasick, boss.

-Oh, nonsense. You've never looked better.
-Huh?

Okay, set up At the Dance!
At the Dance, please!

-Oh! Oh! Excuse me, boss!
-Whoa!

Come on, you guys!
Lot of enthusiasm and energy!

-We don't wanna lose that audience.
-Oh, I just don't wanna lose my lunch.

Uh, that too.

[BALLROOM DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Ah. I think I see a free table.

-Really? Where?
-It's right behind you!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Uh, have you parrots
always known how to talk?

No. The first school for talking parrots
began over 2000 years ago

by one of Ben-Hur's great-aunts.

Was it any good?

You mean you haven't heard
of the famous Parrots of Ben's Aunt's?

[ALL SHOUTING]

You know that pirate they call Peg Leg,
he's a pretty good dancer.

Of course.
I knew I'd seen him somewhere before.

Oh, where was that?

At the hop.

Keelhaul the writers!

Hoist the laugh track!

[ALL SHOUTING]

-Oh! Uh, do you have a ring in your ear?
-No.

Well, all real pirates have a ring
in their ear.

I never heard that.

-Oh!
-Now do you hear it? Ha-ha-ha!

[ALL SHOUTING THEN OBJECTS SHATTERING]

[MUPPET SPORTS THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Hi there, sports fans.

It's Louis Kazagger here
with the Wild World of Muppet Sports.

Today, we're going to see a new record
set for yardarm hanging.

-How long have you been hanging there?
-Over 36 hours.

Another five minutes,
and I set a new record.

I see.

Well, can you tell us a little
about yardarm hanging?

Well, the main thing
is you got to never look down.

That way, you may get dizzy and fall.

Uh, yes, I can understand that.

Uh, how high up is this yardarm?

Golly, I don't know.

Well, this must be a hundred and some--

[GROANING]

[YELLS]

You've still got a chance!
Grab on to something!

No, no! Not the mic cord!

[SCREAMS]

Okay, Shakey Sanchez on-stage, please!
Shakey Sanchez!

-Kermit?
-Hm?

-Are you feeling okay?
-Why?

Well, you look kind of green.

I'm always green.

Well, how do you know when you're sick?

[GROANS]

-Oh, good luck, Shakey.
-Aah!

Don't do that.

[YELPS]

Sorry.

-Who was he?
-Uh, that's Shakey Sanchez

and his b*mb balancing act.

-He does a b*mb balancing act?
-Yeah.

It's a good thing
the sea is calmer than it was.

-Hello, Kermie.
-Whoa!

Uh, Piggy? Would you come back?

-Kermie, I'm busy. I can't now.
-But, Pi-- You're rocking--

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
only 20 nerve-shredding seconds to go!

-Piggy! Back this way!
-Kermie, I can't now.

-You're rocking the boat!
-I throw the b*mb high up into the air!

-Piggy, stop!
-What?

I got it! I got it!

-What?
-Yeah! Ah!

I got it! You forgot something!

[KERMIT YELPS]

I don't believe this!

[SCREAMING]

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
they say the show must go on,

but they never say why.
Right now, the show must not go on!

Because I quit! I give up!
Our guest star's a pirate,

the theater's sailing out to sea,
and I'm losing my mind!

Kermit, no, you can't stop the show now,
not before the grand finale.

What grand finale?

The musical battle at sea!

No, no, no!
There will be no musical battle at sea!

Too late, Kermit. Look!

[CANNONBALL SOARING]

Fire the number one cannon!

And that was only a warning sh*t.

All hands on deck
for the musical battle at sea!

♪ Sailing, sailing
Over the bounding main ♪

♪ Where many a stormy wind shall blow
'Til Jack comes home again ♪

♪ Sailing, sailing
Over the bounding main ♪

♪ Where many a stormy wind shall blow
'Til Jack comes home again ♪

-Home again, home again.
-Fire number one cannon!

Fire number two cannon!

What's going on here, Jackson?
All right, that does it!

Stop doing these terrible things
to my frog's theater!

Okay, just for a change,

I'll do something terrible
to your frog's pig!

-What?
-Come with me!

-Help me here! Tie her up!
-Let go of me! Kermit!

Tie her to the mast!

Make her walk the plank! Tie her up!

Wait a minute! Help! Help!

Help!

-We be out of amm*nit*on.
PIGGY: Help!

Drat and bedraggled!
What are we gonna use?

Hey! Why don't you use us?
That's what we do best!

-Hey!
-The Flying Zucchinis!

The human cannonballs!

We're saved!

Load them up! Blow them away!

A chicken?

That means that
that ship is under the command

of the scourge of the sea,
Gonzo the Great!

♪ Anchors away, my boys ♪

♪ Sail through the foam ♪

Arriba!

♪ Until we meet once more ♪

♪ Here's wishing you a happy voyage home ♪

Ahoy, Muppet Theater!

Stand by to be boarded!

You know what to do, girls!

[YELLS]

We've boarded!

You villain!

A living grappling hook!

Come on, me hearties!

♪ Sailing, sailing
Over the bounding main ♪

♪ Anchors away ♪

♪ Sailing, sailing
Over the bounding main ♪

♪ Anchors away ♪

♪ Sailing, sailing ♪

♪ Anchors away ♪

♪ Sailing, sailing ♪

♪ Anchors away ♪

Ah! Ah! Watch this, folks.

-Get her, Kermit.
-I will.

GONZO:
Come on.

KERMIT:
Yeah, yeah.

Ha, ha! Ha, ha!
We won, we won, we won! Victory is ours!

Tie her up, Sweetums.
There's only one thing left to say.

What?

♪ We love to roam out yonder ♪

Hurry. Unh.

♪ Upon the water ♪

[ALL SHOUTING AND CHEERING]

♪ Free as the eagle flying ♪

♪ I'm roping and a-tying ♪

♪ I'm roping and a-tying ♪

♪ Give me my ranch and my saddle ♪

♪ Far from the great city's rattle ♪

♪ Give me a big herd to battle ♪

♪ For I just love herding cattle ♪

♪ Fifteen men on a dead man's chest ♪

♪ Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Okay, and thus, we come to the end

of what must be the weirdest
Muppet Show of all,

thanks to our very special guest star,
ladies and gentlemen, Miss Glenda Jackson!

[CHEERS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you very much, Kermit.
I really enjoyed playing a pirate.

-But you think I might possibly--?
-Uh, oh, yeah.

Sweetums, untie the guest star.
Quick, hurry up there.

Uh, Glenda, I really believed
you were an honest-to-goodness pirate.

Oh, really? That's very kind of you.

Yeah, okay. Well, there she is.
Now, that's the real Glenda Jackson.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Wrong, frog!

The real Captain Jackson!

[KERMIT YELLS]

What? What?

PIGGY: Help! Help!
-Tie them up, me boys,

and take them below!

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show!

Don't hold your breath.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

I wonder why they call this thing
a crow's nest.

Get out of my nest, you dummies.