05x11 - Paul Simon

[bunniefuu]

Hey. You cockroaches
wanna take up stamp collecting?

Well, here's one to start with.

[GRUNTS THEN LAUGHS]

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, who are you?

I'm Mac Davis.

Kermit asked me
to be his guest star tonight.

Mac Davis. That's right.

You're the famous singer-songwriter-
actor-country-western star.

Ha, ha! And tap dancer. That's great.

Well, it ain't great,
but it sure keeps the cockroaches away.

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Mac Davis.

[CHEERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

♪ To have to watch this show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[HONKS]

[TURKEY GOBBLES & GONZO SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS]

Thank you, thank you,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

It's going to be a great show tonight
because our special guest

is that great recording star, composer
and singer Mr. Mac Davis.

Yes! But before we meet Mac,
here is another opening number!

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT BIG-BAND MUSIC]

ALL:
♪ Another opening, another show ♪

♪ In Philly, Boston or Baltimo' ♪

♪ A chance for stagehands to say ♪

Hello.

ALL:
♪ Another opening of another show ♪

♪ Another job that you hope at last ♪

ALL:
♪ Will make your future forget your past ♪

♪ Another pain where the ulcers grow ♪

♪ Another opening of another show ♪

♪ Four weeks, you rehearse and rehearse ♪

♪ Three weeks and it couldn't be worse ♪

♪ Two weeks, will it ever be right? ♪

[BEAKER SCREAMING]

ALL:
♪ The overture is about to start ♪

♪ You cross your fingers
And hold your heart ♪

♪ It's curtain time, and away we go ♪

♪ Another opening of ♪

♪ Another opening of another show ♪

[LAUGHS]

Well, that stopped them.

♪ Another opening of-- ♪

-Oh, will you get out of here?
-Get out of here!

Okay, nicely coped, g*ng.
I'm sorry about the mix-up.

Oh, that was terrifying.

Every time it went wrong,
I thought, "This is it. Curtains."

Ha-ha-ha, yeah, and it was Beaker's fault.

[BEAKER SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH]

Wait, what is this thing, anyhow?

Oh, this is new from Muppet Labs.
It's our snazzy new copying machine.

And fortunately, my assistant, Beaker,
is eager to test it.

-Aah!
-Well, sooner him than me.

[BEAKER SHOUTING IN GIBBERISH]

Oh, Beaker, a copying machine
is completely harmless.

[WHIRRING]

[BEAKER SCREAMING]

Well, Mr. Beauregard,
it looks like you've seen the light.

It is guest-star time, folks, so things
are definitely getting better out here.

Here he is now,
one of the kings of country-western music,

ladies and gentlemen,
the one and only Mr. Mac Davis!

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING SOFT-ROCK MUSIC]

♪ Girl, you're gettin' that look
In your eyes ♪

♪ And it's starting to worry me ♪

♪ 'Cause I ain't ready
For no family ties ♪

♪ Nobody's gonna hurry me ♪

-♪ So let's keep it friendly, girl ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ 'Cause I don't want to leave ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ Just don't start clinging to me, girl ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ 'Cause I can't breathe ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me ♪
-♪ Ooh, hooked on me ♪

-♪ Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me ♪
-♪ Ooh, hooked on me ♪

-♪ 'Cause I'll just use you ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ Then I'll set you free ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me ♪
-♪ Ooh, hooked on me ♪

Yoo-hoo, Mac.

What, Miss Piggy?

You know, Mackie,
I do think you're kind of cute.

Aw, you really think so?

Well, there's something about you.
All the curly hair, the physique...

The flippers, right?

That's it. I'm really into flippers, Mac.

You know, paint yourself green,
and you'd be my kind of guy.

[GIGGLES]

♪ Girl, you're a hot-blooded woman
It's true ♪

♪ It's nice when you're touching moi ♪

Aw, Miss Piggy.

♪ But I'm afraid I'd end up
Leaving you blue ♪

♪ It brings out so much in moi ♪

♪ Girl, don't let your life
Get tangled up with mine ♪

♪ If that's the way you feel, then, buster
Just get off this line ♪

ALL:
♪ Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me ♪

♪ Piggy, Piggy, don't get hooked on me ♪

BOTH: ♪ 'Cause I'll just use you
Then I'll set you free ♪

ALL:
♪ Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me ♪

♪ Ba, ba, ba-ba-ba, ba ♪

Was that a topical song?

No, topical fish.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay, great number. Nice number, Mac.

Ah, thanks, Kermit.
That's the secret to good songwriting.

What's that?

You gotta have a strong hook.

Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

There go two great sets of flippers. Aah!

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

Beaker, I told you
never to talk to me like that.

Because I can't understand it.

[MUTTERING IN GIBBERISH]

[SCREAMS]

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

[AIR WHOOSHING]

[SCREAMING]

Uh, Beauregard,
could you get this machine on-stage?

"Muppet Labs" is next.

"Muppet Labs," on-stage, please.

-Come on, Beau, move it, move it.
-I'm trying.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs,

where the future is being made today.

And what a sad day it is too,

for Beaker, my fickle
and wayward assistant, has gone missing.

[BEAKER SHOUTS IN MUFFLED VOICE]

Hmm. So I guess I'll have to demonstrate

Muppet Labs' new copying machine
à la carte.

[WHIRRING]

[GASPS]

Beaker, what were you doing in there?

If you've broken that machine,
I shall have to dock your salary.

[BEAKER SHOUTING IN GIBBERISH]

[HONEYDEW GASPS]

Beaker! You're beside yourself!

Three, four, five...

Oh... Oh... Aah!

Well, I've only got one thing to say:

Help!

[HONEYDEW SCREAMS]

[ALL SHOUTING IN GIBBERISH]

-Howdy, Mac.
-Well, howdy, Link.

You got a few minutes for a fellow star?

Sure, Link. Yeah--

[HONEYDEW SCREAMING
& BEAKERS SHOUTING IN GIBBERISH]

Watch it, watch it.

You're getting dust
on my expensive but tasteful outfit.

You know,
that is a mighty tasteful outfit.

I like it.

Oh, well, thank you. I just threw it on.

Actually, I'm good at that.

Yeah, you're not bad
at laying it on either.

Why, thank you.
You know, I just wanted to tell you,

be sure and watch me
in the police sketch that's coming up.

Okay. You're pretty good, huh?

"Good" is not the word.

Yeah, I can believe that.

"Terrific" is more the word.

Well, you know something, Link?

I've always thought
that you had a certain, uh...

A certain je ne sais quoi.

And I know exactly what it is:
animal magnetism.

Yeah, you can say that again.

You know, I've got a song
that's just absolutely perfect for you.

I'm gonna sing it for you.
Sing along if you'd like.

♪ Oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble ♪

♪ When you're perfect in every way ♪

You too, huh?

♪ I can't wait to look in the mirror ♪

Yeah.

♪ 'Cause I get better-looking each day ♪

♪ To know me is to love me ♪

HOGTHROB:
Mm.

♪ Well, I must be a hell of a man ♪

♪ Oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble ♪

♪ But I'm doing the best that I can ♪

I know exactly what you mean.

-I bet you do.
-Mm-hm.

♪ I used to have a girlfriend ♪

♪ But I guess she just couldn't compete ♪

♪ With all of these love-starved women ♪

♪ Who keep clamoring at my feet ♪

♪ Well, I probably could find me another ♪

♪ But I guess they're all in awe of me ♪

♪ Who cares? I never get lonesome ♪

♪ 'Cause I treasure my own company ♪

BOTH:
♪ Oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble ♪

♪ When you're perfect in every way ♪

♪ I can't wait to look in the mirror ♪

♪ 'Cause I get better-looking each day ♪

♪ To know him is to love him ♪

Oh.

♪ Well, he must be a hell of a pig ♪

♪ Oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble ♪

♪ When you're blessed with a talent
This big ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Come on, everybody, join in.

ALL:
♪ Oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble ♪

When you're perfect.

ALL:
♪ When you're perfect in every way ♪

Can't wait to look in the mirror.

MUPPETS:
♪ I can't wait to look in the mirror ♪

MAC:
I get better-looking.

ALL:
♪ 'Cause I get better-looking each day ♪

To know me is to what?

ALL:
♪ To know me is to love me ♪

I must be a hell of a man.

ALL:
♪ I must be a hell of a man ♪

Oh, Lord, it's hard.

ALL:
♪ Oh, Lord, it's hard to be humble ♪

What are we doing?

ALL:
♪ We're doing the best that we can ♪

One more time. I didn't hear you.

ALL:
♪ We're doing the best that we can ♪

All right.

[ALL CHATTERING]

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
I would like to play at this time

"Liebster Jesu, Mein Verlangen"
by Johann Sebastian Batch.

Uh, that's "Bach."

Woof, woof.

[PLAYING JOYFUL BAROQUE MUSIC]

[CLANKING NEARBY]

[CLANKING CONTINUES]

Beau.

Beauregard, what are you doing?

Oh, I promised Kermit I would clean.

You can't clean out here.

Well, I'll clean back there, then.

-Beau.
-I'm only dusting.

[COUGHS]

-Get out of here!
-Aah!

I'm only feather-dusting.

[PIANO STRINGS TINKLING]

Oh, no!

Oh, no! I'm going to Oxford!

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC]

[SINGING IN GIBBERISH]

♪ Bork, bork, bork ♪

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

[GASPS]

Oh, please, Mr. Chef, sir,
I'm hiding in here.

My assistant, Beaker, is ganging up on me.

-Oh!
-Oh! Oop. Ahem.

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

[GASPS]

Oh. Oh, bork.

[BEAKER SHOUTING IN GIBBERISH]

[CHEF SHOUTING IN GIBBERISH]

♪ Poor boy don't need electronics
To make no rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ Poor boy got boogie-woogie
Born right in his soul ♪

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

[BEAKERS CHATTERING IN GIBBERISH]

Oh, great. You must be
the background singers I sent for.

Sure hope you're all in good voice today.

[BEAKERS CHATTERING IN GIBBERISH]

Wait, wait, wait. Hold it, hold it.

Instead of singing along,
why don't you just eef along?

I'll show you what I'm talking about.

♪ Poor boy got rhythm
Poor boy got blues ♪

♪ Poor boy got boogie-woogie
Born right in his shoes ♪

Now watch this.

[BEATBOXING AND YELPING]

[POPPING]

Now you do it.

[BEAKERS MOAN]

Oh, well. At least I don't have to listen
to them sing anymore.

NARRATOR:
And now...

ridding the world of evil,
here comes Bear on Patrol.

All right, you, come on. Come on. Go.

Sir, I just booked this person on an 803.

Oh! He could get 20 years for that.

-Yes, sir.
-What's an 803?

Sir, it's making funny noises in public.

[SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH]

Make that 25 years.
Did you read him his rights?

No, not yet, sir.

Okay. Listen.
You have the right to remain silent.

[SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH]

Sir, I don't think he understands.

Uh, let me handle it.
You have the right to remain stupid.

[FOZZIE LAUGHS]

Lock him up, Patrol Bear.

FOZZIE: Yes, sir. All right.
You move into that jail cell, you.

That's it. Get in there. All right.

[MUTTERING IN GIBBERISH]

Huh? Patrol Bear,
I told you to lock him up.

But, sir, I did.

Yeah, but...

Oh, wait, wait, look. The briefcase.

It must be his lawyer.

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

-What's he saying?
-I don't know.

Who understands lawyer talk?

-Lock him up, Patrol Bear.
-Yes, sir. Get in there, you.

All right, both of you, just stay there.

[BOTH SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

Patrol Bear, they've escaped!

No, but they haven't.
Look. They're in there.

[HOGTHROB STAMMERS]

It must be mirrors. I'd like a head count.
Now bring those two out of there.

Yes, sir. You two, get out.
Let's get a head count.

Come on. Move it. Everybody line up.

Come on, line up.
This is serious business.

All right, one, two, three, four...

Five, six, seven, eight?

Uh...

-We'd better run for it, Patrol Bear!
-Yes! Aah!

[ALL CHATTERING IN GIBBERISH]

-Well, we're safe here.
-That was quick thinking.

Well, that's why I'm sergeant.

[FOZZIE & HOGTHROB YELLING]

-Uh, excuse me.
-Whoo!

The mustache-twirling contest
has been canceled this week.

Shh. I am not what I appear to be,
Mr. Kermit.

It is really I, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew,
and I'm hiding from my assistant Beakers.

Well, why are all of him mad at you?

I don't know.

I've always been a regular sweetie
to each of him.

Hmm. Well, the secret of your identity
is safe with me.

[BEAKERS SHOUTING IN GIBBERISH]

I think I'd better, uh,
introduce Mac Davis. Uh...

Excuse me.

Ladies and gentlemen, once again,

our very special guest star,
Mr. Mac Davis!

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

Thank you, thank you.

You know, I've had a wonderful time
doing The Muppet Show tonight.

But there's a part of the show
that never seems to get enough attention,

as far as I'm concerned.

I'm gonna take care of that now.

I want a big round of applause
for the band.

-Yay!
ANIMAL: Ah-ha-ha.

It's nice of you to notice, Mac.

Nice Mac! Nice Mac!

Yeah, that's mighty big of you.

Big Mac! Big Mac!

[ANIMAL LAUGHING]

Would you guys join in with me
on a song I wrote a long time ago?

I sure would appreciate it.

Oh, it'd be our pleasure, Mac.

You lay it down, we'll pick it up.

♪ I could just sit around making music
All day long ♪

♪ As long as I'm making music
I know I can't do nobody wrong ♪

♪ And who knows?
Maybe someday I'll come up with a song ♪

♪ That makes people wanna stop
Their fussin' and fightin' ♪

♪ Just long enough to sing along ♪

♪ I believe in music ♪

♪ I believe in love ♪

Help me out, now.

ALL:
♪ I believe in music ♪

♪ You know that
I, oh, I believe in love ♪

♪ Well, music is love, and love is music
If you know what I mean ♪

♪ And people who believe in music
Are the happiest people I've ever seen ♪

♪ So clap your hands
Stomp your feet ♪

♪ Shake your tambourine ♪

♪ And lift your voices to the sky ♪

♪ God loves you when you sing ♪

Let me hear you.

ALL:
♪ I believe in music ♪

♪ God knows that
I, oh, I believe in love ♪

♪ Don't it make you feel good? ♪

ALL:
♪ I believe in music ♪

♪ Don't it show that
I, oh, I believe in love? ♪

♪ Well, music is the universal language
And love is the key ♪

♪ To brotherhood and peace
And understanding ♪

♪ And living in harmony ♪

♪ So take your brother by the hand
And sing along with me ♪

♪ And find out what it really means
To feel young and rich and free ♪

Let me hear you.

MAC & BAND:
♪ I believe in music ♪

♪ God knows that
I, oh, I believe in love ♪

♪ Don't it make you feel good? ♪

ALL:
♪ I believe in music ♪

♪ Don't it show that
I, oh, I believe in love? ♪

Once more time now, everybody.

ALL:
♪ I believe in music ♪

♪ Don't it show that
I, oh, I believe in love? ♪

♪ Come on, everybody ♪

ALL:
♪ I believe in music ♪

♪ God knows that
I, oh, I believe ♪

What do we believe in, audience?
Let me hear you real loud.

ALL:
Love!

[BEAKERS CHATTERING IN GIBBERISH]

I believe in you.

And I believe in you too.

[CHATTERING CONTINUES]

Well, that's just about the end of another
magical Muppet medley of mirth and misery.

But before we go, let us say thank you

to a very special guest star,
ladies and gentlemen--

[BEAKERS CHATTERING IN GIBBERISH]

Wait, where's Mac Davis? Mac Davis?

Here I am, Kermit. Here I am.

[CHEERS]

I want you to know
it's been a real pleasure doing your show.

I really have enjoyed it.

Oh, good. But, uh, who is this?

Oh, this guy I caught in my dressing room.
I thought he looked suspicious.

KERMIT: Why?
-Well, he's wearing a disguise, see?

Bunsen! What are you doing, Bunsen?

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

What's going on?

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BEAKERS PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]