05x15 - Carol Burnett

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Muppet Show". Aired: September 5, 1976 - May 23, 1981.*
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05x15 - Carol Burnett

Post by bunniefuu »

[CHUCKLES]

[DOOR OPENS]

Who are you?

I'm Melissa Manchester.
Maybe you can help me.

My agent booked me onto this weird thing
called, uh, The Muppet Show.

Am I in the right place?

[ANIMAL YELLING]

[SINGING SCALES]

Check! I'm in the right place.

It's The Muppet Show,
with our very special guest star,

Melissa Manchester! Yay!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

♪ To have to watch the show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

Thank you, thank you,
and welcome once again to The Muppet Show.

And tonight our very special guest star

is the great singer and songwriter
Melissa Manchester.

Yes. But first, through the miracle
of costly special effects,

we whisk you away to the high Alps.

So please welcome
the Vienna Downhill Boys Choir

with their Alpine anthem,
"Tumbling Tumbleweeds"! Yay!

♪ See them tumbling down ♪

♪ Pledging their love to the ground ♪

♪ Lonely but free, I'll be found ♪

♪ Drifting along
With the tumbling tumbleweeds ♪

♪ Cares of the past are behind ♪

♪ Nowhere to go, but I'll find ♪

♪ Just where the trail will wind ♪

♪ Drifting along
With the tumbling tumbleweeds ♪

♪ I'll keep rolling along ♪

♪ Deep in my heart is a song ♪

♪ Here on the range I belong ♪

♪ Drifting along
With the tumbling tumbleweeds ♪

♪ Drifting along with the tumblin' ♪

♪ Tumblin', tumblin', tumblin'
Tumblin' tumbleweeds ♪

We should have wished them luck.

Well, it's too late now.

It's never too late.

[IN UNISON] Break a leg! Break a leg!
Ha-ha-ha.

[SKIER GROANING]

Oh, boy, it's a disaster.

Doctor, will I ever be able to ski again?

Uh, what do you mean again?

Listen, you should've taken lessons.

Well, I did. I took lessons
from the famous Klaus Noodleman.

-You did?
-Yeah.

-Hey, Klaus.
-Oh.

Oh, hi, Charlie. How'd it go?

What do you think?

Did you do everything I told you?

Everything.

Figures.

Listen, Scooter, if I come up with any
more dumb ideas like that, stop me.

Right. Shall I cancel
the blindfolded yodeling hang glider?

Of course not. I said, "dumb ideas."

Okay, well, now that we've gotten off the
ski slopes and lived to tell about it,

it's time for some real entertainment.

Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the truly great singers,

Melissa Manchester.

♪ Baby cried the day
The circus came to town ♪

♪ 'Cause she didn't want parades
Just passin' by her ♪

♪ So she painted on a smile
And took up with some clown ♪

♪ While she danced
Without a net up on the wire ♪

♪ I know a lot about her, 'cause you see ♪

♪ Baby is an awful lot like me ♪

♪ Don't cry out loud ♪

♪ Just keep it inside ♪

♪ And learn how to hide your feelings ♪

♪ Fly high and proud ♪

♪ And if you should fall ♪

♪ Remember you almost had it all ♪

♪ Baby saw that when they pulled
That big top down ♪

♪ They left behind her dreams
Among the litter ♪

♪ And that different kind of love
She thought she'd found ♪

♪ There was nothing left
But sawdust and some glitter ♪

♪ But baby can't be broken
'Cause, you see ♪

♪ She had the finest teacher
That was me ♪

♪ I told her ♪

♪ Don't cry out loud ♪

♪ Just keep it inside ♪

♪ And learn how to hide your feelings ♪

♪ Fly high and proud ♪

♪ And if you should fall ♪

♪ Remember you almost had it all ♪

♪ Don't cry out loud ♪

♪ Just keep it inside ♪

♪ Learn how to hide your feelings ♪

♪ Fly high and proud ♪

♪ And if you should fall ♪

♪ Remember we almost had it ♪

♪ All ♪

When I was a kid,
I left home to join a traveling circus.

Oh, were your folks upset?

Are you kidding?
They're the ones that got me the job!

Now, listen, guys. The show will take care
of all of your medical expenses.

Oh, well, that's good.

Did you cash that check I gave you?

-Oh, of course.
-Good.

-At least, probably.
-What?

Well, actually, no.

What?

Gee, guys, is there something wrong?

Oh, no, nothing at all.
We just wanted to invite you to come

to our cast party.

Oh, thanks!

Wait-- Whoa!

[PLAYING HARMONICA]

[TEMPO INCREASING]

[CRASHING]

NEWSMAN:
And now, this Muppet News Flash.

On Wall Street today, commodity experts
were amazed as beef fell dramatically.

[COW MOOING]

Oh, no!

Kermit, where did that cow come from?
He seemed to fall right out of the sky.

Yeah, well, see,
he said that beef was falling,

and, well, it's a little hard to explain.

Why don't we just watch Pigs in Space?

Oh, no.

Don't worry.
Things only fall on the Newsman.

What did you say
that next sketch is called?

Uh, Pigs in Space.

Oh, good. I thought you said,
pigs from space.

Not again!

[PIGS SNORTING]

NARRATOR [ECHOING]:
And now, Pigs in Space!

The Swinetrek is just about to be boarded

by a sinister spaceship
from the Crab Nebula.

Oh! Oh, the Crab Nebula!
I'm so frightened!

They're all such mean baddies over there.

-There he is!
-Aah!

Glubba, glubba, glubba, glubba.

-Oh! Oh, help!
-Help!

Can we 86 the yelling?
I'm trying to take a nap.

[YAWNS]

But this weird alien from the Crab Nebula
just boarded the ship.

Glubba, glubba!

So, what does he want?

I don't know. I don't speak Crab Nebulese.

Well, why don't you use
the universal translator right there?

Knuckle brains.

[MACHINERY BEEPING]

I represent Zwunko, the wash day miracle!

Guaranteed to turn your gluboos
sparkling pink without rinsing.

Wow, we knew it was important.

Sparkling pink, huh?
I'll take a dozen boxes.

You don't have any gluboos.

Oh. Make it half dozen.

NARRATOR:
Tune in next time for Pigs in--

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? Huh?

No, I'm busy. I'll call you back
during the commercial.

[PHONE HANGS UP]

--in Space!

Pops and Fozzie. Pops and Fozzie, on next.

Pops, I don't think
I'm gonna be able to do this.

Oh, it's gonna be terrific, Fozzie.

Why, back in 1948,
I played the Roxy with this number.

Yeah, but it's so complicated!

And now, here they are, Pops
and Fozzie with "Once in Love with Amy."

Yes, sir!

Aha!

♪ Oh, once in love with Amy ♪

♪ With Amy ♪

♪ Always in love with Amy ♪

This is easy!

♪ Ever and ever fascinated by her ♪

Two, three...

♪ Set your heart afire to stay ♪

-Wait. Turn!
-Turn.

♪ Once you're kissed by Amy ♪

I'm sorry.

♪ Tear up your list, it's Amy ♪

♪ Ply her with bonbons
Poetry and flowers ♪

-♪ Moon a million hours away ♪
-♪ Away ♪

♪ You might be quite
The fickle hearted rover ♪

♪ So carefree ♪

Sorry.

♪ And bold ♪

♪ Who loves a girl
And later thinks it over ♪

Pops.

♪ And just quits ♪

Pops, what do I do now?

♪ Cold ♪

-Follow me!
-Yes, sir.

♪ Once in love with Amy ♪

♪ With Amy ♪

♪ Always in love with Amy ♪

Turn!

♪ Ever and ever
Sweetly you'll romance her ♪

♪ Trouble is the answer will be ♪

♪ Will be ♪

♪ That Amy would rather stay in love ♪

♪ With me ♪

I did it! I did it! Ha-ha-ha!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you! Pops! Fozzie!

Thank you! Mwah, mwah!

You really gotta hand it to Fozzie.

Hand him what?

-Abuse!
-Oh.

-Boo! Hiss! Terrible!
-Boo! Hiss! Terrible!

[PLAYING BLUES RHYTHM]

Hey, Floyd, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm playing the blues.

Do you like blues music?

Only when I'm depressed.

Do you get depressed often?

Only when I play the blues.

You're weird.

I may be weird, but you're beautiful.

Funny you should feel that way
because I've always had a thing

for weirdos, man.

Now, how can I tell
when you're being serious?


Whenever I call you "friend," friend.

Okay, friend, let's communicate.

♪ Whenever I call you friend ♪

♪ I begin to think I understand ♪

♪ Anywhere at all ♪

♪ You and I have always been
Forever and ever ♪

♪ I see myself within your eyes ♪

♪ And that's all I need to show me
Why everything I do ♪

♪ Always takes me home to you ♪

Forever and ever ♪

♪ Now I know my life has given me
More than memories ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ We can see ♪

♪ In every moment
There's a reason to carry on ♪

♪ Carry on ♪

♪ Sweet love showin' us a heavenly light ♪

♪ I've never seen such a beautiful sight ♪

♪ Sweet love flowin' almost every night ♪

♪ I know forever we'll be doin' it ♪

♪ Whenever I call you friend ♪

♪ And now I know my life has given me
More than memories ♪

♪ Day by day ♪

♪ We can see ♪

♪ In every moment
There's a reason to carry on ♪

♪ Carry on ♪

♪ Sweet love showin' us a heavenly light ♪

♪ I've never seen such a beautiful sight ♪

♪ Sweet love flowin' almost every night ♪

♪ I know forever we'll be doin' it
Doin' it, doin' it ♪

♪ Sweet love ♪

♪ Shining in my life ♪

♪ Sweet love ♪

♪ Bright star in my life ♪

♪ Whenever I call you friend ♪

♪ Whenever I call you friend ♪

Okay, next we have
the Flying Teeterini Family.

Okay, on-stage, the Teeterini Family,
on-stage, please!

Hey, scusi, froggy.
You tell me where the teeter board is.

Oh, there's no room for it.

That teeter board's
supposed to be on-stage.

No, as I'm saying to you,
there's no room for it on the stage.

-Why not?
-Because there's a set in the way.

Why is the set out there? Hey, can we
clear the set, please? Clear that set!

You don't need to shout
in the talkie-talkie thing!

We're standing right here!

-Can we please put this down?
-Right here?

-Okay.
-What? Aah!

Can you guys get on-stage please?

You expect the famous Teeterini Family
to perform on-stage

without their famous teeter board?

Well, hey, listen, is the teeter board
really a big part of the act?

Watch this. Okay, boys, alley-oop!

Come on, let's do it! Alley-oop!

Luigi. Come on! Alley-oop!

Come on, boys! Let's do this.
One more. Come on. Alley-oop!

[ALL YELLING]

Bella, bella, bella!

[PLAYING "HOW MUCH IS THAT
DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW?"]

[BARKS]

[BARKS]

[HOWLS]

[ROARS]

NARRATOR: Today, the Swedish Chef
will prepare spring chicken.

[SINGING IN GIBBERISH]

♪ Bork, bork, bork ♪

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

Springy chickie. Oh, chick-chick-chickie.

[CLUCKING]

Oh, chickie. Spring chickie.

No.

-Spring chickie.
-No.

-Spring chickie.
-No, no.

Oh, chickie.

I thought that was the dumbest
Swedish Chef spot they've ever done.

What do you think?

[CLUCKING]

When will you ever learn?
You're no spring chicken anymore!

Hey, chickens. Would you guys keep still?
Chef, what's with these chickens?

Boing, boing.

I feel control over this show slipping.

Skiers on crutches
and chickens on springs.

♪ These are a few of my favorite things ♪

Wait for me, girls! Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, boy, this show
is now officially out of control.

I'm gonna introduce the final number.
Then it's every frog for himself.

Hey, Kermit, Kermit, Kermit.
Why did the chickens cross the road?

Because an angry Swede
was chasing them with a cleaver!

That's not it.

Hey, wait. Yours is better!

Ladies and gentlemen, backstage is a mess.

I've got angry skiers, springing chickens,
and bouncing Italians.

So let us leave all that behind.

Come with me now
to the peace and quiet of sunny Spain,

there to hear the beautiful soothing
melodies of Miss Melissa Manchester.

[PLAYING PASO DOBLE MUSIC]

Yoo-hoo!

♪ Your cheatin' heart ♪

♪ Will make you weep ♪

♪ You'll cry and cry ♪

♪ And try to sleep ♪

♪ But sleep won't come ♪

♪ The whole night through ♪

♪ Your cheatin' heart ♪

♪ Will tell on you ♪

♪ When tears come down ♪

♪ Like fallin' rain ♪

♪ You'll toss around ♪

♪ And call my name ♪

♪ You'll walk the floor ♪

♪ The way I do ♪

♪ Your cheatin' heart ♪

♪ Will tell on you ♪

Oh, chickie!

[SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH]

♪ When tears come down ♪

♪ Like fallin' rain ♪

♪ You'll toss around ♪

♪ And call my name ♪

♪ You'll walk the floor ♪

♪ The way I do ♪

♪ Your cheatin' heart ♪

[YELLS]

♪ Will tell on you ♪

Okay, we've just about come down
to the end of another one.

But before we go, let us thank
the lady who made it what it was,

the beautiful and talented
Melissa Manchester. Yay!

Thank you, Kermit, I've had a great time.

Oh, I'm so glad.

When I wasn't being hit by flying skiers,

or jumped on by spring chickens,
or pelted with acrobats.

Uh, yeah, well, actually you're lucky,

because next week we're having a yodeler
who works blindfolded from a hang glider.

-You're kidding.
-No.

[HANG GLIDER YODELING]

That's next week!

Sorry about that.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

-Watch out!
-Aah!

We surrender!
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