05x16 - Gladys Knight

[bunniefuu]

Something terrible in this coffee.

Oh! Ha, ha. It's my finger.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey, who are you?

I am Señor Wences,
the ventriloquist and juggler.

Oh, Señor Wences.

Of course, I knew you was a ventriloquist,
but I didn't know you was a juggler.

Hey. You come back here and pick those up.

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Señor Wences. Yay!

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

-♪ To have to watch this show ♪
-♪ To have to watch this show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[PLAYS BEETHOVEN SYMPHONY OPENING]

What were you expecting, Rachmaninoff?

[SIGHS]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you, hi-ho,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

We've got a super surprise treat
in store for you,

because our guest star is one of
the world's great ventriloquists,

the amazing Señor Wences.

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

Yes. And we also have a guest puppeteer,
Mr. Bruce Schwartz.

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

Right. So we're gonna switch
the entire show around.

It's a complete change of pace, folks.

Tonight, we're going to do a Puppet Show.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Yes. Yes, it's a real first.

And now, to start things off,

here is Pinocchio himself,
singing "Puppet Man."

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

♪ Papa, Papa, you know it's true ♪

♪ I'm a puppet just for you ♪

♪ I'll do anything you say ♪

♪ I won't have it any other way ♪

♪ Take my heart and take my soul ♪

♪ I'm giving you complete control ♪

♪ If you wanna see me do my thing ♪

♪ Pull my string ♪

♪ Pull my string? ♪

♪ Puppet man ♪

♪ Puppet man ♪

-♪ Puppet man ♪
-♪ Papa, Papa, I'm your sweet pet ♪

♪ I'm just your personal marionette ♪

♪ Wind me up and let me go ♪

♪ Don't you know I'm a one-man show ♪

♪ Raise your finger and I'll perform
cr*cker-jack 'til the cr*ck of dawn ♪

♪ If you wanna see me do my thing ♪

♪ Pull my string ♪

♪ Pull my string ♪

♪ Puppet man ♪

♪ Puppet man ♪

♪ Puppet man ♪

[ALL HUMMING]

♪ If you wanna see me do my thing ♪

♪ Pull my string, yeah! ♪

♪ If you wanna see him do his thing ♪

♪ Pull my string! ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Personally, I don't care for puppets much.
I don't find them believable.

I don't believe you.

Okay, nice number.

Pinocchio, I have good news for you,

because Dr. Bob agreed
to do something about your nose.

Well, nose news is good news.

Oh, boy. I just love the show tonight.

I think the idea of an all-puppet show
is not too shabby.

-Kermit, Kermit, Kermit.
-Hm?

I wanna do a puppet act.

Stand by for disaster.

-Hey, guys.
-Gonzo, you wanna do a puppet act with me?

Cue the disaster.

-What's a puppet?
-Oh, well, see--

-It's a doll that's made to look alive...
-Yeah. It's a doll.

...by wiggling strings
or putting your hand inside of it, and--

-Like that.
-What a stupid idea.

Who wants to watch dolls wiggle?

Well...

Even I wouldn't do an act like that.
Doll wiggling, talk about boring.

But...

I didn't have the heart to tell him.

Okay. Now tonight's special guest star,
ladies and gentlemen,

one of our very favorite performers,

the international, the fabulous,
the terrific Señor Wences!

Olé! Olé!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Ready? Good.
-Yes.

-Your name?
-Johnny.

-Johnny.
-Martin.

-Martin. Good boy?
-Yes.

-Good. How do you feel today?
-No good.

-No good?
-No.

-Headache?
-Yes.

-Fever?
-Yes.

-Fever, no. No.
-No? No.

No. Give me your breath.

-I don't think so.
-No?

No. Open your mouth.

Little more.

More. No, no, no.

-No?
-No, too much. Open like me. "Ah."

Good. Show me your tongue.

Very good.

-I have one idea, Johnny.
-Yes?

-Yes. Do you remember the Spanish song?
-Yes.

-Can you sing for me now?
-Please? Yeah.

Okay. You alone.

[SINGING IN SPANISH]

Louder.

[MUFFLED SINGING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Very good, Johnny.
-Yeah?

-Yes.
-Nice?

Very nice. Nice voice.

-Yes?
-Yes. I like you very much.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

-Rest for a while?
-Yes.

Sure.

-Ready, my friend?
MUFFLED VOICE: No.

-Not yet. No, okay.
-No.

-It's all right.
-That's good.

-Would you like, Pedro, to sing with me?
-Sure.

Good. I have one idea.

-Before, we need to vocalize.
-Why?

Very important.
Because I need to know your lung capacity.

-That's all?
-That's all.

When you see me close, open the door,
do you mind?

-No.
-No. You see. Do this.

[SINGS]

Repeat.

[SINGS]

-Better.
-Good.

And repeat the same,
you see the difference.

[SINGING]

[SINGING]

-Very good.
JOHNNY: Very nice.

-You like?
JOHNNY: Yes.

Thank you very much.

Now, Johnny,
I have a very nice treat for you.

JOHNNY: Now?
-Now.

-Yes?
-Yes.

-Are you interested?
-Very.

Thank you very much.

You see? You can do beautiful things.
Slowly. See?

Don't be nervous. Watch.

-You like it?
-Yes.

-Finished?
-Not finished.

-Finished?
-Not yet.

-No?
-No.

Finished?

Not yet. I said, not yet.

-Not yet?
-Not yet.

PEDRO: Please.
-Sorry.

-It's all right.
-All right. All right.

Watch, okay?

Don't be nervous.

JOHNNY:
Not so close.

-I know what I am doing.
JOHNNY: Yes, but I don't.

-Tell me, Johnny, are you afraid?
-No.

-You're not afraid?
-No.

-Are you afraid?
PEDRO: Not yet.

All right, don't worry.

-You don't care, Pedro, if I open?
PEDRO: No.

-Okay.
-Okay, that's good.

JOHNNY:
Ay-ay-ay.

-Don't worry.
JOHNNY: Please.

Don't worry. And now you do this. Look.

And center.

That's good.

JOHNNY:
One o'clock.

-It's nice, eh?
JOHNNY: Yes.

-Please.
-Don't worry.

JOHNNY: Ay-ay-ay.
-Don't worry.

PEDRO: Close the door.
-All right, don't worry, I will.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Olé!
-Bravo!

-It's all right?
-It's all right.

NARRATOR: Time once again
for Veterinarian's Hospital,

the continuing story of a quack...

who's gone to the dogs.

Dr. Bob, this is Pinocchio.

He wants a nose job.

[GROANS]

Listen, it's more than a job,
it's a career.

How'd his nose get so long?
Was his mother frightened by the Concorde?

Dr. Bob, he is made out of wood.

-Wood?
-Mm.

Then he doesn't need a doctor,
he needs a tree surgeon.

You don't understand. Every time
I tell a lie, my nose grows a foot.

Then he needs a foot doctor.

That's funny.

Dr. Bob, with a nose like that,
I wonder if he has a keen sense of smell.

I hope not. This sketch could k*ll him.

Bob, you've got to help him.
Shorten his nose. He'll feel better.

I got a better idea.

I'll shorten the sketch,
and then everybody will feel better.

-And so we come to the end.
NARRATOR: And so we come to the end...

-Good.
-...of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Tune in next week,
when you'll hear Dr. Bob say:

Wait a minute. I just remembered, I can't
operate on anybody made out of wood.

-Why not?
-I can't stand the sight of sawdust.

-Boo!
-Terrible!

-Bad!
-Not bad.

-Well, pretty good.
-Okay.

-Decent.
-Fair.

-Great.
-I loved it.

Bravo!

Ladies and gentlemen,
no puppet show would be complete

without a performance
of Swedish bread-lump puppetry,

as demonstrated here
by our own Swedish Chef. Yay!

[SINGING GIBBERISH]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Wow, Tanya, if you could do that,
we'd have a great act.

Go practice.

-Excuse me, Mister Señor Wences.
-It's all right, don't worry.

Yeah. I didn't wanna interrupt you,
but Mr. The Frog wanted me to tell you

that the telephone in this dressing room
is not working.

-This telephone?
-Yeah. That's the one.

[PHONE RINGS]

-You make me laugh.
-Huh?

[VOICE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON PHONE]

-Yeah.
-Yeah?

Yes, I was waiting for you
for the last two weeks.

-Yes?
-Yes.

Everybody nice.

[VOICE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Yes, I know.

-Hey. What the hey.
-Yes. Yes, yes, yes, I know that.

Yes. Okay.

Yes. One second, yes, yes.

Of course. He's here.

-Lew?
-Huh?

I have a message for you.

-For me? Oh, you must be mistaken.
-No mistake at all.

It is the phone company.

They want you
to stop breaking the telephone.

Okay?

-Okay.
PEDRO: It's all right.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Kermit, theater manager,
green thing, and boss.

Uh, yes, Beauregard?

Well, did you know
that I have some puppets?

-No.
-Yes.

When I heard about the show tonight,
I brought them.

Look.

KERMIT:
Hey. Those look great.

Yes. And now I'm going to give you
an amateur puppet show.

Oh, wonderful. I just love puppet shows.

Great. Okay, I'll go down now.

Whoops. Wrong one.

Bravo, bravo.

Thank you, thank you.

-Uh, not you, Beau.
-Oh.

Well, who are you?

Oh, I am just a big friendly dog.

Well, then why are you green?

I am an Irish setter.

Oh. I hope you wouldn't bite my hand.

Here.

Ow! Hey. You bit my thumb.

-Uh, you're not supposed to come up.
-Yeah, but he hurt me.

Just watch it.

Well, let's see, where was I?

Oh, I was going to bite you very badly.

Oh, I hope you don't.
I might have to get out my stick.

Well, that's too bad. Here I come.

-[SHOUTING]
-Kermit.

Uh, just a second.
I'm watching a puppet show right now.

Kermit, is this what you have booked
on the show tonight instead of moi?

Piggy, please.

I had a song for tonight
but you said the dolls are going to be on.

-Uh, yeah-- But-- Uh...
-Kermit, watch me.

-These are not just dolls.
-Why can't I do my number?

-Puppetry is an art form, Piggy.
-You call that v*olence art?

-Well, v*olence belongs with puppets.
-He's hitting her?

That's Punch and Judy.
They've always been violent.

-Punch and Judy?
-It's good.

-It's a good aggressive behavior.
-Yeah? Better than my act?

-Piggy--
-I'll show you aggressive.

-What--? Piggy--
-I'll show you behavior. I'll show you.

-I'll show you. Hi-yah!
-What-- Piggy--

Aah!

Punch and Judy.

Bravo! Bravo!

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we have with us
one of the world's great puppeteers--

Oh! Oh, thank you.

Thank you. Ha, ha!

Not you, Fozzie.

-I'm talking about Bruce Schwartz.
-Oh.

Well, when you're ready, I'm ready.

That's a mighty iffy "when."

Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen,
with a traditional Japanese ghost story,

our guest puppeteer, Bruce Schwartz.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[JAPANESE FOLK MUSIC PLAYING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Boy, these puppets
are really classing things up around here.

You think that's classy?
Look at Gumdrop the Gorilla.

Uh, Gumdrop is part of
your marionette act, right?

Yeah, yeah, see, he dances.

Dance, dance, dance.

And he talks.

Hello, Mr. Frog.

Huh? Huh? See, what's gonna happen,
I'll open with Gumdrop the Gorilla,

and then I'll follow
with the dancing clown. Huh?

Yeah. Well, well,
Gumdrop looks a little tangled up there.

Oh, yeah, well,
you have to know how to do this.

Uh, gotta be a professional here.

You see, what happens with the strings,
all you have to do...

I'll open with the dancing clown.

-I'll introduce you.
-Thank you.

Never thank the executioner.

-What?
-Nothing.

All right, it's showtime.

Wiggling dolls is weird.

In fact, it might even be sick.

Okay, well, I think
there's no way to avoid it, folks.

So here he is, Fozzie Bear
and his high-strung marionette.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Oh, boy. This is terrific.

This could be a whole new career.

I-- I mean, I--

I never felt so-- So in command before.
Look at that.

Ha. It moves at my command.

I pull the string,
and it does anything that I want it to.

You know, I don't wanna do this anymore.

Hey, you.

Rug-face.

What? Who, me?

Yeah. Come here.

[FOZZIE YELLS]

[CLOWN CHUCKLES]

It's all part of the act, folks.

Kermit!

Fozzie was right.
It's a terrific idea for an act.

Ah, what do you know about it,
banana beak?

Poor Fozzie.

I don't know whether to laugh
or feel sorry for him.

-He wanted to make us laugh.
-I feel sorry for him.

Hey, Fozzie, are you coming off-stage
or what?

Yeah, come on,
why don't you get a class act?

-Boy, that was terrible.
-But you saw what happened.

It was good.

Hush, hush up. Quiet down.

-Be quiet.
-What?

We're trying to watch
the señor's big finale.

You won't get to see it
unless you show respect and hush up.

We won't get to see him if you don't show
respect and go out and introduce him.

FOZZIE: Quiet, quiet.
-Shh. Shh.

Quiet.

[TRUMPETS PLAY FANFARE]

Uh... Uh...

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
once again, here he is,

our very super special guest star,
Señor Wences! Yeah!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

-Tell me, please, what is your first name?
-Cecilia.

Oh, Cecilia.

-And second name?
-Chicken.

Chicken.

-My name is Señor Wences.
-Oh.

-This is Johnny.
JOHNNY: Martin.

-Yes.
JOHNNY: Yes.

-Nice?
-Nice boy.

-You like Cecilia?
JOHNNY: Yes.

-Thank you.
JOHNNY: Thank you.

-Thank you.
JOHNNY: Thank you.

-Eh.
JOHNNY: Eh.

-Eh.
PEDRO: Eh.

Who is that?

[WHISPERS] Pedro.

[PEDRO GRUMBLING]

Please, don't worry.

Tell me, Cecilia, please, what is that?

My son.

Your son or your daughter?

-My son.
-How do you know?

-I know my business.
-Your business? That's good.

Can you help me, please?

-Now?
-Now. Yes, please.

[VOICE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON PHONE]

Yeah?

-Who's this?
-Mary.

-Mary?
-Moreno?

Moreno is not here.

-No?
-No, I'm sorry.

-Señor Wences speaking, remember me?
-No.

-Oh, no. No.
JOHNNY: No?

-What?
-I don't know.

The ventriloquist.

-The ventriloquist. Yeah, how are you?
-Fine, you?

Very well, please.
Will you do me a favor? Call your brother.

-Really?
-Please. Very important.

Nice kiss.

Thank you.

JOHNNY: To me.
-To you?

-Yes?
-Yes. Yes, for a nice boy.

JOHNNY: Thank you.
-Once to me.

-To everyone.
PEDRO: Not to me.

-Don't worry, Pedro. Hello?
-Moreno?

-How are you?
-I'm good.

Excuse me,
I call you at a very bad moment.

-Excuse, eh? One second.
-Yeah.

Yesterday, I spoke with the pianist, Mr.--
What is the name?

JOHNNY: Manolo.
-Manolo.

-Manolo.
-Yeah.

I would like you to come tomorrow morning
in plenty of time to start the song.

-Tomorrow morning?
-Tomorrow. One more second.

At what time rehearsal tomorrow morning,
8:00 or 10:00?

JOHNNY: Ten.
-Ten?

JOHNNY: Yes.
-Yes. Ten o'clock, no?

PEDRO: I don't care.
-All right. Don't worry.

-Ten o'clock tomorrow morning.
-Tomorrow morning.

-Don't forget. No. No.
-No. No. No.

-Thank you very much.
JOHNNY: Okay?

-Okay. Okay.
-Okay?

-Okay?
PEDRO: It's all right.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Okay, well, that just about brings
to an end the Muppet Puppet Show.

But before we go,
let us thank our guest, Bruce Schwartz,

and our incredible guest star,
Señor Wences! Yay!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Thank you for your having me, Kermit.

It's been a pleasure, and I'd like
to apologize for Fozzie's puppet act.

I liked that very much.

-You did?
FOZZIE: Kermit! Kermit! Ha-ha-ha!

How about a new act here, huh?
Terrific. Ah!

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
This dummy-wiggling is sensational.

What a feeling of power.

Well, we'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

-Ah!
-Fozzie, uh-- It was a wonderful show...

[FOZZIE YELLING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

[BOTH HUMMING MUPPET SHOW THEME]