05x17 - Hal Linden

[bunniefuu]

Dullest book I ever read.

Hey. Who are you?

I'm Debbie Harry.
Kermit asked me to guest on the show.

Debbie Harry. That's right.
You sing with that rock group, uh...

-Blondie.
-Eh?

Blondie. That's the name of the group.

-Blondie?
-Yes.

Dumb name for a group.

If I were you,
I'd have called it something different.

If you were me,
you would have called it Baldie.

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Debbie Harry.

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

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♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

♪ To have to watch this show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[HONKS]

What a great ear.

[LAUGHS]

Thank you, thank you.

Hi-ho, and welcome again
to The Muppet Show.

And it's going to be
a fantastic show tonight

because with us
is one of the great stars of rock music,

Miss Debbie Harry of Blondie!

Yes! And now--

Robin, what are you doing here?

Well, my Frog Scout troop
was hoping one day

you'd let them come visit backstage
at The Muppet Show.

I suppose that could be arranged.

Come on! It's okay!

You said "one day."

Yeah, but today's the day.
Debbie Harry's here.

[SCOUTS CHEERING]

Okay, okay, okay,
but before we get to see Debbie,

here is our opening number.

ROBIN:
Oh, great. Wonderful.

Guys, will you get out of here?
Get out, get out.

Opening number!

[BAND PLAYING SCHMALTZY JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ What a beautiful day ♪

♪ For a wedding in May ♪

♪ See the people all stare ♪

♪ At the lovable pair ♪

♪ She's a vision of joy ♪

♪ He's the luckiest boy ♪

♪ In his wedding array ♪

♪ Hear him smilingly say ♪

♪ The bells are ringing ♪

♪ For me and Gargoyle ♪

♪ The birds are singing ♪

♪ For me and Gargoyle ♪

♪ Everybody's been knowin' ♪

♪ To a wedding they're goin' ♪

♪ And for weeks they've been stowin' ♪

♪ Days of labor and toil ♪

♪ They're congregating ♪

♪ For me and Gargoyle ♪

♪ The parson's waiting ♪

♪ For me and Gargoyle ♪

[GARGOYLE GIGGLES]

♪ And someday we're gonna build
A little home for two ♪

-♪ Or three or four ♪
-♪ Or four ♪

ALL:
♪ Or more ♪

♪ In love land ♪

♪ For me and Gargoyle ♪

-Oh... Hee-hee.
-Oh, Gargoyle.

[LAUGHING]
Whoa!

Whoa! Ha-ha-ha, yay!

BOTH: ♪ And someday we're gonna build
A little home for two ♪

♪ Or three or four or more ♪

ALL:
♪ In love land ♪

♪ For me and Gargoyle ♪

[CAMERAS CLICKING]

Hey. Oh, look. Get this.

Okay, hold still.

Smile.

That's it. Cheese.
Okay, smile, say "cheese."

-Say "cheese."
GARGOYLE: Get out.

Oh, incredible. What kind of creature
would marry a gargoyle?

A garboy?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay, that was a nice number.
Nice number, Mulch.

Oh, hey, hey, can't you do something
about these kids?

They nearly ruined that number.

I'm sorry about that, Mulch,
but you know kids.

They're all the same.

Not mine. Mine are different.

Hmm. I suppose they are.

They're at the museum today.

Mm-hm, nice. Visiting the museum?

Not visiting.

On exhibit.

Hmm.

They're weird but worth seeing.

Hmm, okay.

-Frog Scouts. Robin?
-Yes, Uncle Kermit?

-Did you guys come with an adult?
-Oh, sure.

-Mrs. Appleby?
-Yes?

The Scouts are getting a bit out of hand.
Maybe you should talk to them.

Oh, of course.

They're just kind of excited
about seeing Debbie Harry.

I don't blame them,
but I do worry about them getting hurt.

There's dangerous areas around here.

Oh, don't worry about that.
I'll just give them a little safety talk.

-Mm-hm.
-Boys! Boys, come here. Is everybody here?

Um, I don't see Norman.

-Oh, I saw him going upstairs.
APPLEBY: Huh?

[ANIMAL YELLING]

NORMAN:
Whoa!

[LAUGHS]

That was one of the dangerous areas
I was talking about.

APPLEBY:
Norman?

Norman, wake up.

Here is a Muppet News Flash.

Famous French clothing designer
David Lazeur was arrested today

under the poultry laws

for designing clothes
that can suddenly turn into chickens.

[CHICKENS CLUCKING & NEWSMAN SPLUTTERING]

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
it's guest-star time.

[SCOUTS CHEERING]

Will you guys get off the stage?
Get off the stage. Clear the aisles.

Here she is, ladies and gentlemen,

the queen of rock 'n' roll, Debbie Harry!

[CHEERS]

[PLAYING UPBEAT PUNK MUSIC]

Hey, this ain't my normal band.

Well, what's normal about a band, anyway?

♪ One way or another
I'm gonna find ya ♪

♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha
Getcha, getcha ♪

♪ One way or another
I'm gonna win ya ♪

♪ I'll getcha, I'll getcha, getcha ♪

♪ One way or another
I'm gonna see ya ♪

♪ I'm gonna meetcha, meetcha
Meetcha, meetcha ♪

♪ One day, maybe next week ♪

♪ I'm gonna see ya
I'll meetcha, yeah ♪

♪ I will drive past your house ♪

♪ And if the lights are all down ♪

♪ I'll see who's around ♪

Debbie!

Hey, Debbie! Debbie!

[ROARING]

[BOTH SNARLING]

[SCREAMS]

[ALL LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

♪ One way or another
I'm gonna lose ya ♪

♪ I'm gonna give you the slip ♪

♪ A slip of the hip or another
I'm gonna lose ya ♪

♪ I'll trick ya, I'll trick ya ♪

♪ One way or another
I'm gonna lose ya ♪

[GROWLS]

♪ I'm gonna trick ya, trick ya
Trick ya, trick ya ♪

♪ One way or another
I'm gonna lose ya ♪

♪ I'm gonna give you the slip ♪

[LAUGHING]

♪ I'll walk down the mall
Stand over by the wall ♪

♪ Where I can see it all
Find out who you call ♪

♪ Lead you to the supermarket
Check out some specials and rat food ♪

♪ Get lost in the crowd ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ One way or another
I'm gonna getcha ♪

♪ I'll getcha
I'll getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha ♪

♪ One way or another
I'm gonna getcha ♪

[ALL SCREAM]

♪ I'll getcha
I'll getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha ♪

♪ One way or another
I'm gonna getcha ♪

[MULCH CHUCKLING]

[MULCH GIGGLES]

Who was she supposed to be
looking for, anyway?

The guy who booked her
on this crummy show.

Okay. Great number. Great number, guys.

Hey, Debbie? Debbie,
I'm awfully sorry about Mulch there.

Oh, that's okay, Kermit.
I like fans any size, shape or species.

Mulch, what were you doing in that number?
You were in the opening.

Just wanted Debbie's autograph.

Uh, did you give it to him?

Of course.

I'm gonna turn him down?

Thanks, Debbie.

-Yeah.
-It's okay.

Actually, I felt a little sorry for him.

He said it was for his kids.
They don't get out much.

I bet they don't.

Speaking of kids,
whatever happened to the Frog Scouts?

[CAT MEOWS]

Yeah, business ain't the same
without Johnny.

[ALL CHATTERING]

Squad, hut!

[HEELS CLICK]

Okay, kids, take it easy.

-Aw, Debbie, you were ace.
-That first number was dynamite.

Beautiful.

What are you guys doing in here, anyway?

Oh, we're working
on our punk merit badges.

Punk merit badges?

Yeah. Well, could you give us some tips?
We're only Tenderflippers.

-Well, you could learn to dance the pogo.
-Oh.

The pogo?
Would that get us our punk merit badges?

It'll get you tender flippers.

Hey, a kidder?

-Hit it, guys.
-Yeah.

[PLAYING RAUCOUS PUNK MUSIC]

Uh... Hey, what's all the noise in here?

Oh, sorry, Uncle Kermit.

We just wanted to tell Debbie
that we think she's real punk.

Robin, you're insulting our guest star.

Oh, no, he isn't.

Well, listen, does Mrs. Appleby know
you guys are in here?

Wahoo!

Forget Mrs. Appleby.
Meet the Safety Pin Queen! Whoo!

[SCOUTS CLAMORING]

[SCOUT BAND PLAYING RAUCOUS PUNK MUSIC]

Gee, things have really changed a lot
since I was in the Frog Scouts.

[DEBBIE WHOOPING]

[BAND PLAYING GENTLE FOLK MUSIC]

♪ I had a little beetle
So that Beetle was his name ♪

♪ And I called him Alexander
And he answered just the same ♪

♪ I put him in a matchbox
And I kept him all the day ♪

♪ But Nanny let my beetle out ♪

♪ Nanny let my beetle out ♪

♪ She went and let my beetle out
And Beetle ran away ♪

♪ She said she didn't mean it
And I never said she did ♪

♪ She said she wanted matches
And she just took off the lid ♪

♪ She said I mustn't worry
But it's difficult to catch ♪

♪ An excited sort of beetle
You've mistaken for a match ♪

♪ If we looked in all the places
That a beetle might be near ♪

♪ And we made the kind of noises
That a beetle likes to hear ♪

-Here, Beetle, Beetle, Beetle.
SQUEAKY VOICE: What was that? Oh, where?

♪ And I heard a kind of something ♪

SQUEAKY VOICE:
Who's that?

♪ And I gave a sort of shout ♪

[ALEXANDER SQUEAKS]

♪ It was a beetle house
And Alexander Beetle coming out ♪

Okay. I'm coming out now.

♪ It was Alexander Beetle
I'm as certain as can be ♪

That's me.

♪ And he had a kind of look as though
He thought it might be me ♪

Hey, it's you.

♪ He had a sort of look as though
He thought he ought to say ♪

♪ Uh, I'm really very sorry
That I tried to run away ♪

I am.

-♪ He's really very sorry ♪
-♪ I'm really very sorry ♪

-♪ That he tried to run away ♪
-♪ That I tried to run away ♪

[ALEXANDER CHUCKLING
AND SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

-Oh, Debbie.
-Yes, Kermit?

What's this I hear
about your wanting to do a rainbow song?

Oh, yeah. I just dig songs about rainbows.

Oh, good.

I sent you a list.

Uh, yeah, I got the list.

Uh, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"
and "I'm Always Chasing Rainbows."

Well, yeah. Which one should I do?

Well, you left out one rainbow song.

I did?

Yeah. My rainbow song.

-Oh, that one.
-Mm.

Well, I thought you might be tired
of that.

Well, uh, no.
Actually, no, I'm not tired of it at all.

Well, let's do it, then.

Oh, good. I thought you'd never ask.

It goes like this.

[PLAYING UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC]

-Remember?
-Yeah.

♪ Why are there so many ♪

♪ Songs about rainbows ♪

♪ And what's on the other side? ♪

♪ Rainbows are visions ♪

♪ But only illusions ♪

♪ Rainbows have nothing to hide ♪

♪ So we've been told
And some choose to believe it ♪

♪ I know they're wrong
Wait and see ♪

♪ Someday we'll find it ♪

♪ The Rainbow Connection ♪

BOTH:
♪ The lovers, the dreamers and me ♪

♪ All of us under its spell ♪

♪ We know that it's probably magic ♪

-♪ Have you been half asleep ♪
CHORUS: ♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ And have you heard voices? ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ I've heard them calling my name ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ Is this the sweet sound ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ That calls the young sailors? ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

-♪ The voice might be one and the same ♪
-♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I've heard it too many times
To ignore it ♪

♪ It's something that I'm supposed to be ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Ooh ♪

BOTH:
♪ Someday we'll find it ♪

♪ The Rainbow Connection ♪

♪ The lovers, the dreamers and me ♪

ALL:
♪ La, la-dee-da, doo ♪

♪ La, la, da-da, la-dee-da, doo ♪

NARRATOR:
And now

[ECHOING]
Pigs in Space.

You may remember
when we last left the Swinetrek,

it was caught in a meteor storm.

If you don't remember, that's okay.
I've just reminded you.

[METEORS CLANKING]

[STRANGEPORK GRUNTS]

Oh, Captain Link! Whatever shall we do?

Don't worry, First Mate Piggy.

No meteor can penetrate the hull
of this ship.

It's made of super-strength porkium alloy.

Yeah, that's right.
Absolutely no chance of any damage.

[STRANGEPORK YELPS THEN PIGGY SCREAMS]

Of course,
I'm usually wrong about these things.

Help! There's a hole in the hull!

-Help!
-There's a hole in the hull!

We've got to plug the hole before
all the air is sucked out of the ship.

Yes, but what can we plug it with?

I don't know, knucklebrain.

-You just plug the hole.
-Okay.

[PIGGY GRUNTING]

PIGGY:
Hey, what's going on? Hold on--

There. There, now we've plugged the hole.
Are you happy?

[PIGGY GRUNTS]

[IN MUFFLED VOICE]
No, I'm not! Get me out of here!

Lucky it was a snout-sized hole,
or we'd be in big trouble. Ha, ha.

If you don't get me out of here,
you'll be in even bigger trouble!

-Quick, Link, get the pepper.
-Mm.

PIGGY:
"Get the pepper"?

Don't worry. With this pepper,
we'll have you out of there in no time.

PIGGY: Hold it, hold it.
-Sprinkle, sprinkle, sprinkle.

[PIGGY GASPING]

[PIGGY SNEEZES]

[STRANGEPORK YELPS & HOGTHROB GASPS]

Oh, help! I'm being sucked into the ho...!

STRANGEPORK: Oh, good work, captain.
You've saved the ship.

[CHEERS]

NARRATOR:
Tune in again next time for Pigs in Space,

when we'll hear Captain Link say:

HOGTHROB [IN MUFFLED VOICE]:
Oh, but what about my head?

Don't worry, it's not a vital organ.

Okay. Pigs in Space, very exciting.

That was a mess, Kermie.

-Well, I'm sorry about that, Piggy.
-Ahh.

Would--? Would you get a job?

[HOGTHROB GROANING]

Oh, that poor thing. What happened to him?

Well, it's a long story.

Actually, it's a short story.
He did something dumb.

Well, we can't let him suffer like that.
Scouts!

[HEELS CLICK]

Give that pig first aid.

[SCOUTS CHATTERING]

[HOGTHROB GRUNTING]

Am I better?

Gee, they're very fast.

Oh, yes, yes,
and with great precision too.

Why, you should have them
do their close-order drill on the show.

Well, they're amateurs,
and we only book professionals.

-Kermit, it's disaster time!
-Huh?

You're gonna have to cancel
my wrestling match

with Quongo the wild mountain gorilla.

But why?

He just called from his limo.
It's stuck in traffic.

-Ahh.
-Sorry.

That was a professional?

Yeah. Listen, maybe we can overlook
our rule against amateurs tonight.

How soon can your Scouts be ready?

Ten-hut!

[HEELS CLICK]

They're next.

Scouts, are you ready for the bigtime?

SCOUTS:
Yes, Mrs. Appleby.

Swell. But first we gotta do
this crummy show.

[SCOUTS LAUGH]

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm sorry to announce that,

due to circumstances beyond our control,

The Great Gonzo will be unable to wrestle
a fierce mountain gorilla as advertised.

AUDIENCE:
Aw.

But it is an ill wind
that has no silver lining,

so in his place, we proudly present
the precision drill team

from the Okefenokee Pack 12
of the Frog Scouts of America. Yay!

Hut! Ah, hut! Kee, hut! Pip, pip, ah!

Sound off!

SCOUTS: Sound off.
-One, two.

SCOUTS:
One, two.

One, two, three, four.

SCOUTS:
One, two. Three, four.

Go left. Go left. Go left, right, left.

ALL:
♪ We left the swamp for solid ground ♪

♪ Drop and step and march around ♪

Gonzo? Gonzo? Have you seen Gonzo?
I was supposed to wrest--

SCOUTS:
♪ We practice in the muddy muck ♪

♪ And never get our flippers stuck ♪

Hey, boys!

-Sound off.
-Hey, quit it!

-Sound off.
-I'm looking for Gonzo.

SCOUTS:
One, two, three, four.

Hey, I'm getting mad!

SCOUTS:
Three, four.

I'm getting out of here.

Where was you?

What's the diff?
You was gonna take a dive anyway.

Oh. Yeah.

Okay. Well, here we are at the finale,
and I bet you know what that means.

SCOUTS:
Debbie Harry!

That's right, Debbie Harry!

[ALL CHEERING]

[PLAYING PUNK MUSIC]

♪ Color me your color, baby ♪

♪ Color me your car ♪

♪ Color me your color, darlin' ♪

♪ I know who you are ♪

♪ Come up off your color chart ♪

♪ I know where you're coming from ♪

-♪ Call me ♪
BAND: ♪ Call me ♪

♪ On the line
You can call me, call me anytime ♪

-♪ Call me ♪
-♪ Call me ♪

♪ For a ride
You can call me any day or night ♪

♪ Call me ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ He speaks the languages of love ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Amore, chiamami ♪

♪ Chiamami ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Appelle-moi, mon chéri ♪

♪ Chéri ♪

♪ Anytime, anyplace
Anywhere, any way ♪

♪ Anytime, anyplace
Anywhere, any day, any way ♪

-♪ Call me ♪
BAND: ♪ Call me ♪

♪ On the line
You can call me, call me anytime ♪

-♪ Call me ♪
-♪ Call me ♪

♪ For a ride
Call me, call me any day or night ♪

-♪ Call me ♪
-♪ Call me ♪

♪ On the line
Call me, call me for some sweet delight ♪

-♪ Call me ♪
-♪ Call me ♪

♪ Call me
For your lover's lover's alibi ♪

♪ Call me ♪

[SCOUTS CHEERING]

Okay, well,
I guess we've just about done it all,

even those parts that we shouldn't have.

But the best of it
was certainly our guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen, Debbie Harry! Yay!

Yeah! Yeah!

Thank you, Kermit.

Thank you, Kermit. Isn't it terrific?
They made me an honorary Frog Scout.

[SCOUTS CHEERING]

By the way, Kermit,
I think it was very nice of you

-to let the Scouts perform on the show.
-Uh-huh.

Mr. Frog, my boys just did your show,
and we never negotiated a deal.

-But you can't do that to me.
-Hmm?

Oh, yes, she can, Kermit.

She's got her merit badge
in deal negotiation.

Uh, we'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Can we stay here
while we work on our next merit badge?

Merit badge in what?

Grumpiness.

[SCOUTS LAUGH]