05x19 - Chris Langham

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Muppet Show". Aired: September 5, 1976 - May 23, 1981.*
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Join Jim Henson's Muppets, Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo on their variety show.
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05x19 - Chris Langham

Post by bunniefuu »

[SNORING]

[DOOR OPENS]

-Hi, Pops.
-Oh, who are you?

I'm the guest on The Muppet Show.
I'm Gladys Knight.

Oh, me, too. I'm always glad it's night.
It's too hot during the day.

Oh, I hope you didn't mind that.

It's okay. I allow one per show.

Okay, come on in. But be careful.

See, there's a fella up there
fixing the roof.

Hey! Be careful up there!
We got an important guest here.

MUPPET: Who?
-She's Gladys Knight.

Yeah, so am I. It means I'm into overtime.

[MUPPET LAUGHS]

Hey, I was only funning, lady. Aah!

Ooh! Ugh.

I said just one.

It's The Muppet Show, with our
very special guest star, Gladys Knight.

[CHEERS]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

♪ To have to watch this show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get things started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[PLAYS TRUMPET]

Ha. I give autographs after the show.

Thank you, thank you. Hi-ho,
and welcome again to The Muppet Show.

You may notice some workmen around,

and that's because we're having
our leaky roof fixed.

Uh, but they won't interfere
with the show.

Whoa!

[METAL CLANGS]

Anyhow, it's going to be a wonderful show

because our guest star
is the dynamic Gladys Knight!

Yes. But first--

Will you get this bucket of nails
out of here?

But first, this...

♪ Like the b*at, b*at, b*at
Of the tom-tom ♪

♪ When the jungle shadows fall ♪

♪ Like the tick, tick, tock
Of the stately clock ♪

♪ As it stands against the wall ♪

♪ Like the drip, drip, drip
Of the raindrops ♪

♪ When the summer shower is through ♪

♪ So a voice within me keeps repeating ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ Night and day ♪

♪ You are the one ♪

♪ Only you ♪

♪ Beneath the moon and under the sun ♪

♪ Whether near to me or far ♪

♪ It's no matter, darling, where you are ♪

♪ I think of you ♪

♪ Night and day ♪

Look at them.
I think they're glad to see us.

When you've been stood up for 4000 years,
you're glad to see anybody.

♪ Day and night ♪

♪ Why is it so ♪

♪ That this longing for you ♪

♪ Follows wherever I go ♪

♪ In the roaring traffic's boom ♪

♪ In the silence of my lonely room ♪

♪ I think of you ♪

♪ Night and day ♪

♪ Night and day ♪

♪ Under the hide of me ♪

♪ There's an oh such a hungry yearning ♪

♪ Burning inside of me ♪

♪ And this torment won't be through ♪

♪ Till you let me spend my life
Making love to you ♪

♪ Day and night ♪

♪ Night and day ♪

Well, those mummies didn't exactly
bring the house down.

[BRICKS CRUMBLING]

No, the roofers are handling that.

Uh, are you the frog?

Of course I'm the frog.

What's that piece of wood?

Oh, well, it's not just
any old piece of wood.

This is the piece of wood
that holds up the roof.

It's rotten.

Wait a second. If that's the piece
that holds up the roof,

what's holding up the roof?

My foreman.

-He's holding the roof up?
-Yes.

FOREMAN: Aah!
-Or, rather, no.

[CRASHING]

Listen, guys,
I gotta go introduce Gladys Knight.

Can you get this fixed?

Not me, there's something
about heights I don't like.

What's that?

Falling from them.

[COUGHING]

Okay, well, folks, it's time now
to meet our very special guest.

Here she is putting the show
on the right track

and choo-chooing into your station,

let's say "all aboard" as we stop,
look and listen to Miss Gladys Knight!

Yay!

♪ Choo-choo, boop-boop, boop, boop ♪

♪ Choo-choo, boop-boop, boop, boop ♪

♪ Calling out to everyone
Across the nation ♪

♪ Nation, nation, nation ♪

♪ Said the world today
Is in a desperate situation ♪

♪ Desperate situation ♪

♪ Stealing, burning, fighting, k*lling
Nothing but corruption ♪

♪ It looks like mankind
Is on the eve of destruction ♪

♪ Oh, yes, it is ♪

♪ People let me tell you now ♪

♪ We've got to learn
To live with each other ♪

♪ No matter what race, creed or color ♪

♪ I just got to tell you
What the world needs now ♪

♪ The world needs now ♪

♪ Is love and understanding ♪

♪ So get on board the Friendship Train ♪

♪ Everybody
Shake a hand, shake a hand ♪

♪ People I'm talking about
The Friendship Train ♪

♪ Everybody
Shake a hand, make a friend now ♪

♪ People listen to us now ♪

♪ Choo-choo, boop-boop, boop, boop ♪

♪ We're doing our thing ♪

♪ On the Friendship Train ♪

♪ We got to start today to make tomorrow
A brighter day for our children ♪

♪ Come on, people, now we can do it
I can prove it ♪

♪ Only if our hearts are willing now ♪

-♪ This train stands for ♪
-♪ Justice ♪

♪ Justice ♪

-♪ This train stands for ♪
-♪ Freedom ♪

♪ Freedom ♪

♪ This train stands for
Harmony and peace ♪

♪ And this train stands for love ♪

♪ Love, Love ♪

♪ Come on, get on
The Friendship Train ♪

♪ Everybody
Shake a hand, shake a hand ♪

♪ Well, we're talking about
The Friendship Train ♪

♪ Everybody
Shake a hand, make a friend now ♪

♪ Everybody
Let's ride, ride, ride ♪

♪ The Friendship Train ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪
-♪ Boop-boop ♪

Great number. I love trains.

Yeah, but planes are safer.

-They are?
-Sure.

I only rode on a train once
and it had an accident.

-What happened?
-A plane fell on it.

Okay, guys. Great number, Gladys.

Hey, thanks, Kermit.

Hey, you know what?
I just loved those Muppips.

Ha, ha. "Muppips."

-Hey, Fozzie.
-Huh?

Where'd you learn
to drive a train like that?

Oh, I studied.

I had train training.

Listen, Mac, we gotta talk.
You are the frog, right?

Of course I'm the frog.
Who could I be, the Prince of Wales?

Listen, Prince.

You got big problems
with this roof of yours.

Oh, boy. Can't you fix it?

Hey, I can fix it. But not here.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, we're gonna have to take it
into the shop.

What?

Okay, guys. Signal the crane now.
Lift her up.

[MACHINERY WHIRRING, BRICKS CRUMBLING]

Okay, load it on the truck.

See you when your roof's finished.

But when will that be?

Hey, I don't know.
These things can take months, you know.

Excuse me, Kermit.

Uh, have you noticed
that the roof is missing?

Yeah, I noticed that, Gladys.

But you must admit
that it's a beautiful sunset.

Yeah, but I just heard
the weather forecast.

KERMIT:
Rain?

No.

Snow.

NARRATOR:
And now, Veterinarian's Hospital.

The continuing story of a quack
who's gone to the dogs.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Dr. Bob, how can you operate
without a roof?

It's better without a roof.
Cuts down the overhead.

That's doctor talk.

But suppose it rains.

We'll head for the nearest tax shelter.

That's more doctor talk.

Oh, Nurse Janice.

-Yes, Dr. Bob?
-Where have you been?

Taking angry calls
from the Medical Association.

Ooh.

Dr. Bob, the sky is threatening.

Yeah, so is the audience.
But that's never stopped us.

I don't know whether you should operate.

Well, let's ask the patient.
He can tell us. He's a weatherman.

You mean he knows whether or not
I should operate?

[THUNDER CRASHES]

I didn't think it was that bad.

♪ Don't know why
There's no sun up in the sky ♪

I do. Because it's nighttime.

Pretty dumb weatherman.

Oh, no, he's not.
He's a singing weatherman.

He's just telling you it's stormy weather.

-I don't believe this.
-But he's right.

It is stormy weather.
I just felt some raindrops.

♪ Keep falling on my head
They keep falling ♪

There's gonna be more than that falling
on your head. Where's that barometer?

NARRATOR: And so we come to the end
of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

He must be on a cloud.

Tune in next week,
when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say:

Dr. Bob, it's getting worse.

-It's beginning to hail.
-Hail?

♪ The g*ng's all here
What the heck ♪

ALL:
Will you shut up?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

CHORUS:
♪ Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop ♪

♪There's a man in the funny papers
we all know ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop♪

♪ He lives 'way back a long time ago ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop ♪

♪ You know he don't eat nothin'
But a bear cat stew ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop ♪

♪ Well, this cat's name is-a Alley-Oop ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop ♪

♪ He got a chauffeur
That's a genuine dinosaur ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop ♪

♪ And he can knuckle your head
Before you count to four ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop ♪

♪ He got a big ugly club
And a head full of hay-uh ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop ♪

♪ Like great big lions and grizzly bears ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop ♪

♪ Why he's the toughest man
There is alive ♪

CHORUS:
♪ Alley-Oop ♪

-♪ Wearin' clothes from a wildcat's hide♪
-♪ Alley-Oop♪

♪ He's the king of the jungle jive ♪

ALL:
♪ Look at that cave man go! ♪

-♪ Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop♪
-♪ There he go!♪

-♪ Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop ♪
-♪ Look at that cave man go! ♪

-♪ He's too much, Ride, Daddy, ride ♪
-♪ Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop ♪

-♪ Alley-Oop, oop, oop, oop-oop ♪
-♪ Hi-yo dinosawruh ♪

ALL:
♪ Look at that cave man go! ♪

[LAUGHING]

Oh, that number goes back a long ways.

Well, it didn't go back far enough.
I could still see it.

[PLAYING BLUES MELODY]

Oh, that's a nice blues, Rowlf.

ROWLF:
Mm.

It's easy to have the blues
when you don't have a roof over your head.

True enough.

Actually, this is a little number
by my favorite blues singer,

Fat Mama Jefferson.

Fat Mama Jefferson.

Uh, I don't remember her.

Was she a black woman?

No.

A white woman?

Actually, she was spotted.

I beg--

Come on, wait a minute.
Don't tell me she was a dog.

-Mm.
-Ho, ho.

Boy, could she sing the blues.

-She was a basset hound.
-Come on.

Okay, I remember her now.
Didn't she write that classic:

"I Won't Hang My Head in Shame,
'Cuz I Step On My Ears When I Do"?

That's Fat Mama, all right.

But that doesn't sound
like your kind of song.

Well, not exactly.

I lean more toward, uh, Ma Rainey,
Dinah Washington, Billie Holiday.

Hey, Billie Holiday.

Boy, she sang some great songs.


Oh, I like that.

Remember this one?

I remember it, all right.

♪ Them that's got shall get ♪

♪ Them that's not shall lose ♪

♪ Though the Bible says ♪

♪ And it still is news ♪

♪ Mama may have ♪

♪ Papa may have ♪

♪ But God bless the child ♪

♪ That's got his own ♪

♪ That's got his own ♪

♪ Ooh, the strong gets more ♪

♪ While the weak ones fade ♪

♪ Empty pockets don't ♪

♪ Ever make the grade ♪

♪ Mama may have ♪

♪ Papa may have ♪

♪ But God bless the child ♪

♪ That's got his own ♪

♪ That's got his own ♪

♪ Money ♪

♪ You've got lots of friends ♪

♪ Crowdin' all round your door ♪

♪ When the money's gone ♪

♪ And the spending ends ♪

♪ Oh, they don't come around ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

♪ Rich relations give ♪

♪ A crust of bread, and such ♪

♪ You can help yourself ♪

♪ But don't take too much ♪

♪ Mama may have ♪

♪ Papa may have ♪

♪ But God bless the child ♪

♪ That's got his own ♪

♪ That's got his own ♪

Oh, no, fog. That's the last straw.

Hey, Scooter, would you take over
for me for a minute?

I gotta see if I can do something
about that roof.

Okay, chief.

Signor Baffi on next.

Oh, boy. Look at this.

Oh, Scooter. Do you think there's room
for my monologue in the show?

Oh, afraid not, Fozz.
But you can be in the next number.

Yeah, Signor Baffi's assistant
didn't show up.

Oh, terrific. You won't be sorry.
What do I do?

Well, can you go out
and stand on-stage and smile?

Can I?

Can a fly bird?

Can a bird fly.

Trust me.

-Signor Baffi.
-What?

You're on as soon as I introduce you.

Say, this fog isn't gonna interfere
with your Kn*fe-throwing, is it?

Oh, no. I aim by the sound anyway.

-You just tell the target to keep yelling.
-Yeah.

This is the stage?

No, no. This way, Signor Baffi.

Thank you.

And now, the act
you've all been waiting for:

The one and only Signor Baffi
and his Flashing Knives of Death.

Oh, where is my target?

-Hey, Fozzie. Are you there?
-Oh, what?

FOZZIE: Yes, sir.
-What?

[LAUGHS]

There's somebody throwing knives at me!

Bravo!

Hey, where are you?

[SOFTLY]
Quiet.

Scooter, you have to be crazy to send
a Kn*fe thrower out in a fog like this.

FOZZIE:
Kermit, help!

Fozzie, don't yell!

Beauregard, close the curtain.

What did you say, Kermit?

Hey!

Oh, good news, chief.
I think I feel a breeze coming up.

We could use some good news around here.

Kermit, help. Help, hide me.

There's this madman throwing knives at me.

Well, don't worry, Fozzie.
It's all over now.

Oh, no! Here he comes!

Hey, where's that bear?
He makes a swell target.

FOZZIE:
No, I don't.

What?

[YELLS]

[WIND WHISTLING]

Oh, boy. There goes the running order.

Now, how do I know which act is next?

When in doubt, go with a star.

You're right.
Go tell Gladys she's on next, okay?

[YELLING]

Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, I think
the wind is about to die down here.

Here she is with one of her greatest hits,

a lady who can sing up a storm
and may have to sing in one,

Miss Gladys Knight! Yeah!

♪ Ooh, I bet you're wondering how I knew ♪

♪ Baby, baby, baby
'Bout your plans to make me blue ♪

♪ With some other girl you knew before ♪

♪ Between the two of us girls
You know I loved you more ♪

♪ It took me by surprise I must say ♪

♪ When I found out yesterday ♪

♪ Don't you know that
I heard it through the grapevine ♪

♪ Oh, I heard it through the grapevine ♪

♪ Not much longer would you be mine ♪

♪ Not much longer would you be mine ♪

♪ Don't you know that
I heard it through the grapevine ♪

♪ Oh, I heard it through the grapevine ♪

♪ And I'm just about, just about
Just about to lose my mind ♪

♪ Oh, yes, I am ♪

♪ Oh, yes, I am ♪

♪ Oh, yes, I am ♪

♪ Baby, won't you listen to me ♪

♪ Boy, take a good look
At these tears in my eyes ♪

♪ Baby, baby
These tears I can't hold inside ♪

♪ Losing you would end my life, you see ♪

♪ Because you mean that much to me ♪

-♪ You should have told me yourself ♪
-♪ Oh, oh, oh-oh, ooh ♪

♪ That you loved somebody else ♪

♪ Instead, I heard it
Through the grapevine ♪

♪ Oh, I heard it through the grapevine ♪

♪ Not much longer would you be mine ♪

♪ Not much longer will you be mine ♪

♪ Don't you know that I heard it
Yes, I heard it ♪

♪ Heard it through the grapevine ♪

♪ Just about, just about, just about
To lose my mind ♪

♪ Oh, yes, I am ♪

♪ Oh, yes, I am ♪

♪ Oh, yes, I am ♪

♪ People say believe
Half of what you see ♪

-♪ Oh, and none of what you hear ♪
-♪ I've heard it, oh, I've heard it ♪

♪ Baby, baby
I just can't help being confused ♪

♪ If it's true please, baby
Won't you tell me, dear ♪

♪ Do you plan to let me go ♪

♪ For the other girl you loved before ♪

♪ Don't you know that
I heard it through the grapevine ♪

♪ Oh, I heard it through the grapevine ♪

♪ Not much longer would you be mine ♪

♪ Not much longer will you be mine ♪

♪ Don't you know that I heard it
Yes, I heard it ♪

♪ Heard it through the grapevine ♪

-♪ I heard it ♪
-♪ Heard it ♪

-♪ Heard it ♪
-♪ Heard it ♪

♪ Heard it through the grapevine ♪

♪ Yes, I did ♪

♪ Yes, I heard ♪

♪ Yes, I heard it ♪

♪ Don't you know that
I heard it through the grapevine ♪

♪ Heard it through the grapevine ♪

Uh, well, it looks like everything's
come down except the curtain.

But before we go, let us bring back
our wonderful guest star.

Ladies and gentlemen, Gladys Knight! Yay!

Thanks, Kermit, it's been
an evening I'll never forget.

Oh, well, that's too bad.
I was hoping you would.

Listen, I'm sorry
about this roof business.

Oh, that's okay. I'm dressed for it.

But what about you? Aren't you cold?

Uh, no, I'm wearing my thermal collar.

[GRAPES GRUMBLING]

Uh, but they don't look too happy
out there in the vineyard.

Oh, they're just sour grapes.

We'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Uh... We'll get pneumonia.

Big deal. This show always makes us sick.
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