05x21 - Johnny Cash

[bunniefuu]

♪ I love to boogie, boogie-- ♪

-[DOOR OPENS]
-Hey.

Hey, who are you?

I'm Buddy Rich, world-famous drummer.

We already got one.

Ever hear of a drummer called Animal?

Are you kidding? All drummers are animals.

Now, where's my dressing room?

It's up the stairs.
They're getting it ready for you.

What was that?

Somebody testing my chair?

Ha, ha, no, no, no.

We're having power trouble.

Nothing to worry about.

Good. I just won't sit down.

It's The Muppet Show,

with our very special guest star,
Buddy Rich.

[CHEERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's time to play the music ♪

♪ It's time to light the lights ♪

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ It's time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It's time to dress up right ♪

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we'll never know ♪

♪ It's like a kind of t*rture ♪

♪ To have to watch this show ♪

♪ But now let's get things started ♪

♪ Why don't you get thing started? ♪

♪ It's time to get things started
On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, MuppetationaI ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

[HORN HONKS THEN GONZO YELPS]

Thank you, thank you.

Hi-ho, and welcome again
to The Muppet Show,

where our special guest tonight

is the world's greatest drummer,
Mr. Buddy Rich.

Yes! But first,
to get things rolling... Uh...

Uh, Scooter?

-Yeah, boss?
-What happened to the lights?

They went out.

Oh, good. Okay, to kick things off
on The Muppet Show,

here's a little sunshine.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]

ALL:
♪ Good day, sunshine ♪

♪ Good day, sunshine ♪

♪ Good day, sunshine ♪

♪ I need to laugh
And when the sun is out ♪

♪ I've got something I can laugh about ♪

♪ I feel good, ah, in a special way ♪

♪ I'm in love and it's a sunny day ♪

ALL:
♪ Good day, sunshine ♪

♪ Good day, sunshine ♪

♪ Good day, sunshine ♪

♪ We take a walk
The sun is shining down ♪

♪ Burns my feet as they touch the ground ♪

All right, all you flowers.
Gather round, you cute things, and sing!

Ready, go!

ALL:
♪ Good day, sunshine ♪

♪ Good day, sunshine ♪

♪ Good day, sunshine ♪

Oh. Hey, what happened to the lights?

[ALL MURMURING]

Uh, it's nothing serious, folks.
Folks, we just blew a fuse.

-Uh-- Whoops. I'm sorry, Fozzie.
-I'm not Fozzie.

Oh. Uh, Gonzo, yes. I'm sorry about that.

Scooter, would you get us
some flashlights?

SCOOTER:
Okay, boss.

Okay, listen, everybody sing!

[SPLUTTERS]

Kermit, how can we sing
"Good Day Sunshine" when it's dark?

Uh, well, think of something.
I gotta help Beauregard with the fuse box.

FLOYD:
Good luck.

Remember,
it's always darkest just before dawn.

Here are the flashlights.

Uh, somebody play something.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

Could you give me a flashlight? Thank you.

How do you work this? Oh, yeah.

♪ Dancing in the dark ♪

♪ Till the tune ends ♪

ALL:
♪ We're dancing in the dark ♪

♪ And it soon ends ♪

♪ We're waltzing in the wonder
Of why we're here ♪

-Oh, will you watch it?
-Sorry.

♪ Time hurries by
We're here ♪

ALL:
♪ And gone ♪

♪ Looking for the light of a new love ♪

♪ To brighten up the night ♪

♪ I have you, love ♪

Hey, let go. That's my fish.

Oh. I'm sorry, Lew. Sorry, fish.

ALL:
♪ Dancing in the dark ♪

Do you think this is better
than their usual show?

Course not. Can't hold a candle to it.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Uh, Beauregard, did you find that fuse?

I can't see anything.
There's all these wires in the way.

Well, hurry up.
The audience is getting restless.

Oh, we don't want them to go nighty-night.

I'll just take out some of these wires,

and like--

[SCREAMING]

[CRASHES]

Beauregard, are you okay?

I think the fuse box bit me.

-Kermit.
-Hmm?

I don't wanna play
with fuses anymore, okay?

Okay. Why don't you just go
get some candles, okay?

-Okay.
-Mmm.

-Good news, chief.
-Yeah?

It wasn't Miss Piggy's hot plate
after all.

Oh? Her hair dryer, then?

[PIGGY LAUGHS]

No. It was that creep Gonzo.
He was trying to air-condition his closet.

Nothing but the best
for my mildew collection. Ha, ha.

Ugh, you're disgusting.

Would you knock it off back there?
We got a show to do.

What can I send out there on a dark stage?

Why don't you introduce
the Black Cat Acrobats of Kankakee?

But they're not here.

Nobody will ever notice. Ha-ha-ha!

NEWSMAN:
Here is a Muppet news flash.

Um, it's too dark in here
to read the news by.

Can we have a bigger candle, please?

[CACKLES]

Oh, thank you very much.
That's much better.

With the discovery of gold,

local residents are expecting a boom--

[DYNAMITE EXPLODES]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Excuse me, Buddy, can I see you?

Kermit, that's the dumbest thing
anyone's said tonight.

Listen, I just wanted to tell you
we'll have the lights back on soon.

Don't worry about me.
I got eyes like a cat.

A really clumsy cat.

BOTH:
Ah!

BOTH:
Ah.

BOTH:
Ah!

Well, now that the crisis is over,
when can you do your number?

Oh, anytime you want me to, Kermit.

Uh-huh. Do you need to talk to the band?

Who needs a band?

Oh. No band? Fantastic.
Just you and a drum kit.

Who needs drums?

No drums?

No drums. You just go right into it.

You know what?
You should be doing this onstage.

-To the stage!
-To the stage!

BUDDY:
Hey!

Huh.

KERMIT:
Yeah.

[BEAKER WHIMPERING]

When I play a theater, I play the theater.

Oh, darn!

-Ah, it's too dark to see this show.
-I'll say.

And my hearing aid is busted,
so I can't hear it.

Oh. You must be having a wonderful time.

[STATLER LAUGHS]

No, I'm having a wonderful time.

[WALDORF LAUGHS]

-Hey, chief?
-Yeah?

I rigged up an emergency work light.

Good going, Scooter. How'd you do that?

Remember how Beauregard pulled those wires
out of the fuse box and got a big shock?

-Yeah.
-I just put two and two together and...

Huh?

[KERMIT GASPS]

Is he all right?

Well, sure.
I think he got a real charge out of it.

[LAUGHS]

I just don't want him to get run down
or anything.

Oh! Ha, ha.

-Are you okay, Beau?
-I'm fine.

[BULB SHATTERS]

Did I do something wrong?

Why do I have this urge to sing
"Happy Birthday"?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

[PANTING]

Hey, Beau. How you doing?

-Oh, just terrible.
-Oh.

The electric stuff won't go
through the wires,

and everybody's blaming me.

Oh, you're the one
that's caused this mess.

You see what I mean?
Everybody's out to get me.

Could I use your window?

Well, I know it's bad, Beau,
but don't jump.

Jump? I was just gonna take a nap
on the fire escape.

That is,
unless you know any inspirational songs.

Inspirational songs?

Have I got the song for you.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

♪ When you think you've hit the bottom ♪

Yeah?

♪ And you're feeling really low ♪

Uh-huh.

♪ You mustn't feel discouraged ♪

♪ There's always one step further down
You can go ♪

Golly, I'm starting to get inspired.

♪ When you're lying in the gutter ♪

Yeah.

♪ Feeling just a bit unsure ♪

♪ Just wait until tomorrow ♪

♪ You maybe lying flat face down
In a sewer ♪

Golly, think of all those sewers.

♪ Don't be afraid of a little rumble ♪

No!

♪ What's that, for goodness' sake? ♪

It's nothing.

♪ Just remember one little rumble
Started the Frisco Quake ♪

-What?
-Take it, Beau.

♪ When I'm living on a park bench ♪

♪ Eating grass 'cause I've no dough ♪

♪ Your luck will change mañana ♪

♪ You may be six feet under
Helping it grow ♪

♪ So just remember
When you're lower than low ♪

♪ There's always one step further down ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ There's always one step further down ♪

BOTH:
♪ There's always one step further down ♪

♪ You can go ♪

Wow, thanks, Mr. Rich.

I feel a lot worse.

I like to help.

NARRATOR: Time once again
for Veterinarian's Hospital,

the continuing story of a quack
who's gone to the dogs.

PIGGY:
Where are you guys?

-We're over here.
-Oh, oh.

Oh, Dr. Bob, it's so dark,

you can't see your hand
in front of your face.

That's okay.
I remember what it looks like.

It's brown and has
these five pointy things sticking out.

[PIGGY SIGHS]

Dr. Bob, cancel the operation.
It's too dangerous.

Nobody can see anything.

If that includes the audience,
it'll be the safest bit we've ever done.

[PIGGY GROANS]

Just a second.

Aha!

That's a miner's lamp.

Yes, and a pick. Ha, ha.

Now, where's the patient?

But you can't use a pick on the patient.

-I can on the patient's pockets.
-Ooh, hoo, hoo.

Now, where is he?

Right here, Dr. Bob.

He was trying to fix the power line
and got a severe shock.

When he sees who his doctor is,
he'll get another one.

[PIGGY LAUGHS & BOB GROANS]

No, not that kind of shock.
He's had 10,000 volts.

Gee, that should be enough
to get him elected.

[BOB LAUGHS & PIGGY GROANS]

What was he running for?

-The hills, if he had any sense. Ha-ha-ha.
-Oh.

No, not votes. Volts.

Oh, in that case,
run some volts through him again.

Again?

-Yes, it's called "revolting"!
-Ooh.

NURSES:
It certainly is.

NARRATOR: And so we come to the end
of another Veterinarian's Hospital.

Tune in next week,
when you'll hear Dr. Bob say:

Listen, if it's still dark
when the patient comes to, give him this.

That's a ballpoint pen
with a little light.

What good is that?

He can see to sign a check.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Bunsen, for once, your goofy inventions
had better do some good,

because we gotta get the lights going
around here.

Not to worry, Mr. Kermit.

I will easily power all of the lights
with this portable generator.

Yeah? This is portable?

Yes, it's a miracle of microelectronics.

Yeah? Well, what's it run on?
Batteries? Gasoline?

No, indeedy-doody.
This is the age of Beaker power.

[SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH]

Soon electricity will be coursing
through the entire theater.

All right, Beakie, start running.

[BEAKER SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

I'll just make a few minor adjustments.

KERMIT:
Yeah.

[BEAKER GRUNTING]

[SHOUTING IN GIBBERISH]

The connections
may not be quite right yet.

[CONTINUES SHOUTING IN GIBBERISH]

Oh, that's better.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-Come in.
-Excusez-moi, Buddy, dear.

-Hi, Miss Piggy. Come on in.
-I just had to come in and tell you

that I think
you are a truly great drummer.

Why, thank you, Miss Piggy.

I think you're a very large singer.

I beg your pardon?

-Oh, nothing. I'm really glad you came by.
-Oh?

-I have a question for you.
-Yes. Ahem.

Well, you know,
I'm kind of interested in karate--

Oh, oh, oh, Buddy, dear, say no more.

-Of course I shall give you some pointers.
-Oh.

I am a pink belt. Ahem.

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

Oh, good.

Now, Buddy, dear, first of all, you should
put away those silly-nilly boards.

Beginners can only hurt themselves
on that sort of thing.

Hmm.

Buddy, karate is a peaceful activity.

The beginner need not dwell
on the v*olence and aggression.

-Uh-huh.
-First you must learn to be at peace--

[SCREAMS]

Holy guacamole!

Black belt.

-Gotcha.
-And speaking of black...

Oh, no! I cannot stand it. Not again.

I am a star.

I will not put up
with this stumbling around blind.

It's too bad lard doesn't glow
in the dark.

Pardon?

I said, it's too bad lard doesn't--

-Hi-yah!
-Ow!

Where did you learn to aim so good
without lights?

Oh, just a chop in the dark.

Okay. Good old Bunsen and Beaker.

That generator has just saved the day,
all right.

Let's see... Swedish Chef onstage next.
Swedish Chef, please.

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

Yeah, well, thanks, Chef.
I'm very pleased too.

But... Hey...

Hey, listen, guys, what's the matter?

Oh, I'm afraid poor little Beaker
is getting tired.

Whew.

We'll have to throw the overdrive lever.

What does the overdrive lever do?

It puts an angry tiger
in the wheel with him.

[TIGER ROARING & BEAKER SCREAMING]

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC]

[SINGING IN GIBBERISH]

♪ Bork, bork, bork ♪

[SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

...yummy, yummy soufflé.

Mmm. The puffy, puffy soufflé.

[CONTINUES SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

Soufflé? Soufflé, come, come.

Come back here. Here. Here.

Soufflé, come back.

[CONTINUES SPEAKING IN GIBBERISH]

Soufflé, go.

[AIR WHISTLING]

A Frisbee soufflé.

Kermit, I understand for the show's finale
you want me to do a drum battle.

Oh, yeah. I just love drum battles.

Okay. Who do I battle?

The other guy?
You know, the one that loses?

Animal.

-Animal? That's really his name?
-Mmm.

[ANIMAL YELLING]

Whoa, steady. Easy, Animal.

He looks like a sore loser.

[KERMIT CHUCKLES]

Heh, if this chain breaks,
you'll be a sore winner.

Listen, I'll go introduce you.
Floyd, get Animal ready.

Animal, you ready?

k*ll! k*ll! k*ll! k*ll!

Yeah, he's ready.

Drum battle! Drum battle! Drum battle!

-Okay, uh...
-ANIMAL: Drum battle!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the drum battle of the century.

Yes, in one corner,
our own ever-popular Animal.

[ANIMAL SHOUTING INCOHERENTLY]

Uh, heh...

And in the other corner,

The Muppet Show's own fearless guest star,
ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Buddy Rich!

Yay!

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

[YELLING]

[YELLS]

[YELLING]

[YELLS]

[YELLING]

BUDDY:
Darn it, there go the lights again!

Okay, we've just about come down
to the end of another one.

But before we go,

let us bring back
our wonderful guest star--

BUDDY: Kermit,
wait till I get this thing off, okay?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the world's greatest drummer,

Mr. Buddy Rich!

[CHEERING]

Listen, I'm sorry
about the battle of the drums, Buddy.

That's all right, Kermit.

I'm glad it wasn't
the battle of the pianos.

-That little devil would have k*lled me.
-Mmm.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Okay, we'll see you next time
on The Muppet Show.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING THEME MUSIC]

Where were you when the lights went out?

In the dark. Where else, you old fool?