03x16 - The Glee Club

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Wonder Years". Aired: January 1988 to May 1993.*
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03x16 - The Glee Club

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ What would you do
if I sang out of tune? ♪

♪ Would you stand up
and walk out on me? ♪

♪ Lend me your ears,
and I'll sing you a song ♪

♪ I will try not to
sing out of key, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, baby, I get by ♪
- ♪ by with a little help
from my friends ♪

-♪ All I need is my buddies ♪

-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ♪ - ♪
try with a little help from my friends ♪

-♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa ♪

-♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

-♪ Somebody who
knows quite sure ♪

♪ Baby ♪

-♪ By with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ Said I'm gonna make
it with my friends ♪

-♪ Try with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ Oh, I'm gonna
keep on trying ♪

-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep on
trying now, baby ♪

-♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

[Choir singing indistinctly]

-The halls of rfk junior high

Often echoed with
the sounds of music.

The kennedy chorale.

The kennedy madrigals.

And, of course, the
kennedy now-tones.

They were all part of a
long-standing family of song.

But, as with every family,

There was a
skeleton in the closet.

-[Off-key] ♪ ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

The boys' 8th-grade glee club.

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

The singing group from hell.

-Oh, boy.

-Twice a week, we transformed
mr. Frace's choir room

Into kind of a chamber
of musical horrors.

-Oh, my gosh.

-Randy mitchell... Baritone.

-♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

-Doug porter... Monotone.

-♪ Ah, ah, ah... ♪

-Paul pfeiffer...
No tone at all.

And, of course...

Me.

Not that we didn't have heart.

It's just that the
13-year-old-male voice

Isn't exactly
designed for, well...

For singing.

-Uh, hold that note.

-♪ Ahhh ♪

-Hold that note.

-We weren't the stuff
tabernacle choirs are made of.

So, out of a mutual
respect for the arts...

And humanity...

We'd reached an agreement.

We wouldn't push mr. Frace...

If he wouldn't push us.

-All right, all right!

That's enough!

Just, uh, get out
your books and study.

-All in all, a pretty
equitable arrangement.

-It isn't fair.

Every other group gets to
sing some songs and stuff.

Why can't we?

-Well, maybe because we stink.

-Then why are we here?

-Because we have to be here.

Right, warren?

-Warren gander.

No one had ever
heard him sing a note,

Much less say a word.

-So, what you're saying
is we're losers, is that it?

-But if paul was looking
to unite us in chorus...

- Pbht!
- Pbht!

- He had just heard
our best effort.

-Pbht!

-Face it... We knew
where we stood.

At the bottom of the heap.

And we were smart enough
not to seek the limelight...

[School bell rings]

Until, that is...

The limelight was
thrust upon us.

-There.

That's better, isn't it?

-Who's she?

[Note plays]

-♪ My name is miss haycock ♪

And if there's anything I
want to impress upon you,

Its...

♪ Use your diaphragms ♪

♪ Always use your diaphragms ♪

-What'd she say?

-♪ Do you hear
how that sounds? ♪

♪ Full and supported ♪

[Plays note]

♪ If you're doing it right ♪

♪ You'll feel it down here ♪

[Plays note]

♪ I'm thrilled to
be taking over ♪

♪ The 8th-grade
boys' glee club ♪

[Plays note]

♪ And when we sing ♪

♪ We'll always sing like this ♪

[Plays note]

♪ Because we're always
going to remember ♪

♪ To use our ♪

[Plays note]

-[Unenthused] diaphragms.

-She was fresh out of
teaching school, full of ideas.

And, oh, yes,

The woman was a total lunatic.

-Well, I think she's great.

-Paul, get a grip.

-Why, just because
she sang a little?

-A little?

I just hope she doesn't think
we're gonna sing like that.

-Well, maybe not at first.

But once we master
this diaphragm thing...

-Diaphragms or no diaphragms...

Miss haycock's arrival

Had sent a shudder of
fear through all of us.

-I don't want to sing.

That's why I took glee
club in the first place.

-Yeah, why do we have to have
a student teacher, anyway?

-Relax, guys. There's
nothin' to worry about.

This won't last long.

-What do you mean?

-I mean, this is her first job.

She has to look
like she's trying.

-Mitchell did have a point...

In theory.

-Maybe he's right.

Maybe she'll... Get over it.

-Trust me, in a couple of days,

She'll be acting
just like frace.

-Put away your songbooks.
We won't need them, after all.

-And that was that.

-We'll need the entire
hour for voice auditions.

[Scattered groans]

Who wants to be first?

-First?

Was she joking?

-Anyone?

-Only a complete doofus
would want to be f...

Okay, then.

It was time to show miss haycock

Exactly who she was up against.

In other words...

It was time to sing.

-[Off-key] ♪ my
country, 'tis of thee ♪

-[Off-key] ♪ sweet
land of liberty ♪

-[Off-key] ♪ of thee I sing ♪

-[Off-key] ♪ land where
our fathers d*ed ♪

[Piano plays notes]

-[Passionately] ♪ from
every mountainside ♪

♪ Let freedom ring ♪

-There.

We'd laid it out for
her... Clear as a bell.

The folly of it all.

The hopelessness.
The complete...

-Yes! Yes!

That's the kind of
passion we all need.

-Huh?

-I found that very moving.

Thank you, kevin!

-Sure, anytime.

-Attaway, caruso.

-Anytime at all.

-She made you sing?

All of you?

That I'd like to see.

-She said kevin had passion.

-Really?

[Giggles]

-She made a total fool out
of me, so can we just forget it?

-Well, I think she
sounds very sweet.

-So do i.

-Right gesture, wrong shoulder.

-Winnie, the woman's
a fruitcake, okay?

In fact, somebody
ought to lock her up!

In fact, somebody ought to...

-Kevin, that's not very nice.

-Uh-oh.

-What if it were me up there...

Standing there,
scared out of my wits,

Teaching my first class?

-Uh, well...

-Is that how you'd treat me?

-Okay, this was
tricky... Very tricky.

-Maybe you should think more
about things like that, kevin.

-It was pretty clear I
was gonna have to find

The moral highground here...

And fast.

-♪ Fwa ♪

♪ Fwa ♪

♪ Fwa ♪

♪ To sustain the note ♪

♪ We simply let the
air flow out gently ♪

Now, you try.

-♪ Fwa ♪

-[Off-key] ♪ fwa ♪

-♪ Fwa ♪

-Trouble is, our glee club

Wasn't exactly built
for high ground.

We'd been weaned
on low expectations.

-Why's she doing this to us?

-Even warren gander was
showing signs of strain.

-Now, men, I have a
surprise for you.

-Great. What was
it gonna be now?

-Today, we're going to
begin our first song...

"Stout-hearted men."

I have copies for all of you.

-All right. That ripped it.

No one... But no one...

Had ever threatened us with
an actual musical arrangement.

-And, that's not all.

We're going to be
singing it next month

At the spring sing concert!

- What?!
- What?!

-I know, I know.

We don't have much time.

But as I told mr. Frace,

My boys are up to it.

And he agreed!

-And suddenly it was clear.

Our reputation
was on the line, here.

Our tradition. Our bad name.

-Miss haycock?

-Yes, kevin.

-Do you really think
this is a good idea?

-Why not?

-Well... I...

We... Just think...

-Kevin...

What if it were me
standing up here?

-Kevin...

You think what?

-Awww!

-That...

It would be...

Fine.

-I knew you'd all feel that way!

Think of it.

We're starting on a new
adventure... Together.

-And so in a flash,
our fate was sealed.

The glee club's, miss haycock's,

And, of course...

Mine.

[Notes play on piano]

-♪ Men, men, men ♪

♪ All right, basses ♪

-♪ Men, men ♪

-Over the next few weeks,

Miss haycock struggled
to bring out our best...

-♪ Now, tenors ♪

♪ Ahhh ♪

-♪ Ahhh ♪

- Which, coincidentally,
happened to be our worst.

-Splendid! Now, remember.

Diaphragms.

Diaphragms!

-Meanwhile, I found
myself trapped

Between raw enthusiasm
and outright malice.

-Ow!

Hey!

-Nice goin', arnold.

-What's that for?

-"That'd be great, miss haycock.

We'd love to sing
in the spring sing."

-Come on, I didn't say that.

-Well, not exactly.

-We're gonna look like idiots

In front of the whole school,

Not to mention our parents.

What are we gonna do?

-Well, for one thing,

We're not gonna
mention it to our parents.

Deal?

-There's something
else we could do.

We could practice.

-Look, you got us
into this, arnold.

So you got to get us out.

-How?

-Talk to her.

-She's never gonna listen to me.

-Why not? You're mr. Passion.

You're the only one
she will listen to.

-Talk to her.

Our lives are depending on it.

-Easy for them to say.

But how do you talk to someone

Who can't even hear?

[Glee club singing]

-Excellent! Excellent!

-The fact was, even
though we sang harmonies

That would make quasimodo wince,

Chords not found in nature...

-Good!

Better!

- Nothing deterred miss haycock.

With a wisdom born
of weeks of experience,

She pushed on,
blindly... No! Deafly...

Toward a goal that was
obviously beyond our grasp.

-I know. Let's march in place.

Let's try that. Come on.

-We wanted to believe in her.

But it was pretty
clear, sooner or later,

Someone was gonna
have to burst this bubble...

Someone like...

-Psst! Arnold.

[Clears throat]

- Me.

-♪ Man to man ♪

-It's now or never, arnold.

-Ah, what the heck?

Was I a stout-hearted man...

Or a craven coward?

-Miss haycock?

-Yes, kevin?

-We've been thinking
this whole thing over.

And...

See...

We don't really wanna
be in the spring sing.

It's just that...

We're not any good.

So...

Maybe we shouldn't do it.

-There. Difficult, of course,

But best for everyone concerned.

-You... Really feel this way?

All of you?


- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

-I see.

Well... I had no idea.

-And there you had it.

We'd finally gotten
through to her.

Miss haycock was
coming to her senses.

She was going to see reason.

She was going...

-[Crying softly]

- To cry.

-[Crying intensifies]

-Needless to say, we handled
it with a certain maturity.

-Well, what you do
that for, arnold?

-Me?! You told me to!

-Way to go, kev.

-I can't believe you did that.

-You were supposed to
talk to her, not make her cry.

-[Crying continues]

-We had no idea what to do next.

The only thing that
could help us now

Was a miracle.

And then... It happened.

[Warren vocalizing]

[Vocalizing continues]

It took the tears
of a student teacher

To bring a song to the
lips of warren gander.

-[Vocalizing continues]

-♪ Men, men, men,
men, men, men, men... ♪

-♪ Men, men, men,
men, men, men... ♪

-♪ Men, men, men, men,
men, men, men, men, men ♪

-And the rest is history.

-♪ Men, men, men,
men, men, men... ♪

-♪ Lend me some men who
are stout-hearted men ♪

♪ Who will fight for
the right they adore ♪

-♪ Start me with ten who
are stout-hearted men ♪

-And so began the great
glee club comeback of 1970.

-♪ Give me some men... ♪

-There were only two weeks
left before the big spring sing,

But during those two
weeks, we breathed, slept,

And ate "stout-hearted men".

-♪ And I'll soon give
you 10,000 more ♪

-It became our anthem,
our battle cry...

[Horn honking]

As we rallied 'round
our secret w*apon.

-♪ Then there's
nothing in the world... ♪

-It was kind of... Infectious.

-♪ ...a plan ♪

♪ When stout-hearted... ♪

-And when the day
had finally arrived...

We had gone from horrible to...

-♪ Man to ♪

-♪ Man ♪

[Finale plays]

-Magnificent!

-Well, anyway, we were ready...

[Choir singing indistinctly]

-♪ Till you find your dreams ♪

[Applause]

-I'm not ready for this.

-Sure you are.

-No, I'm not.

-Oh, come on, paul.
It's just one song.

- Or so I kept telling myself.

-Look around.

These guys are
practically professionals.

People are paying a
buck-fifty to see them...

And us.

[Sneezes]

-Uh-oh.

That sneeze was a bad sign.

-[Sneezes]

-A very bad sign.

-Take a deep breath.

You know how you
get once it starts.

-It's my nerves.

-Come on, paul, what's
there to be nervous about?

Remember?

We've got warren.

[Indistinct conversation]

-Hey, you guys are in the
8th-grade glee club, right?

Can't wait to hear you sing.

-You too. What are you singing?

-We're starting out with
thomson's "hallelujah,"

Then "pater noster,
qui es in caelis"...

The vulpius version.

Then something
a little lighter...

Some selections
from "la bohème."

How about you?

- "Vulpius"?

"La bohème"?

- "Stout-hearted men."
- [Sneezes]

-Here they are...

My boys.

Come on, everybody.

Gather 'round.

I brought something for you.

Here. Pass these out.

Everyone gets one.

-Yep, miss haycock
was in her element...

Whatever element that was.

-I'm so proud of you all.

Ever since I was
a little girl...

-No, geez, don't tell us
this. We don't want to...

- I've dreamed of standing
up in front of a choir

And molding them in song.

Tonight will be
my very first time,

And I have you
to thank... My men.

I'll never forget any of you.

-The funny thing is, in a way,
that turned out to be true.

-All right. Let's line up.

We're next.

-And so from the murky
depths of mr. Frace's choir room,

The 8th-grade boys glee club
finally stepped into the light.

[Light applause]

Sure, we had misgivings.

But gazing down on miss
haycock's confident face,

We knew we had nothing to fear.

She believed in us.

And, of course, we believed...

In warren.

[Piano plays introduction]

But as I look
back on that night,

It isn't the anticipation
I remember best,

And it isn't the
faces in the audience.

-♪ Ahhhhhhhhhh ♪

-What I remember best

Is that warren gander's voice
chose exactly that moment...

-[Croaks]

- To change.

[Audience murmuring]

-♪ Ahhhhhhhhh ♪

[Croaks]

-It was cruel.

In front of our very eyes,

Warren had transformed
from lyric tenor...

To...

-[Croaks]

- Well, a bullfrog.

[Murmuring, light laughter]

So the rest of us did
the only thing we could...

We panicked.

-Keep going!

[Piano plays introduction]

Keep going!

- Men.
- Men.

- Men.
- Men.

- Men.
- Men.

- Men.
- Men.

-But the die was cast.

-[Sneezes]

-Paul sneezed...

-[Sneezes]

- Which was too much for doug.

[Thud]

Somebody laughed,
and I dropped my music.

-Keep going!

-[Sneezes]

-It was kind of
a chain reaction.

-[Sneezes]

-I'd like to say we rallied...

-[Sneezes]

-But... We didn't.

[Disorganized singing, talking]

[Disorganized singing continues]

Men. Men. Men.

- Men.
- Men.

-[Sneezes]

[Sneezes]

-It was no one's fault, really.

I guess we'd just been
pushed beyond our limits.

We we're a bunch
of 8th-grade boys,

Not an ensemble of
stout-hearted men.

[Light applause]

[Applause intensifies]

As for miss haycock,

She'd dreamed of molding
us into something we weren't.

But that night, she
got her wake-up call.

-♪ Give me some men who
are stout-hearted men... ♪

-The only problem was...

She wasn't there to answer it.

-[Sneezes]

-We never found out where
miss haycock disappeared to,

Although some said she'd
gone back to college.

Still, I like to think
that wherever she is

There's a warm spot in her heart

For the 8th-grade
boys' glee club.

After all, we'd
learned from her,

And in a way... She'd
learned from us.

We'd learned together...

-♪ Man to man ♪

- Or so I like to tell myself.

[Finale plays]

[Paul sneezes]
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