Previously on
"Kevin Can [BEEP] Himself"...
- Kevin is going to die.
- Yes.
Okay, I can do it.
I thought we weren't
gonna do this anymore.
No, you didn't.
You just need to broaden your horizons.
She likes me. We can use that.
Jesus Christ, what
the hell is happening?
You saved my life.
- Allison.
- Oh.
- Is there a problem?
- No.
- Things okay here?
- Oh, Jesus, Sam.
You do it my way, or
you don't get the money.
Next Saturday.
Next Saturday? [SCOFFS]
You know you don't need
an appointment, right?
I can have this taken care of today.
No. No, no, I still
need a little more time
to get a few things in order.
Next week, I'm gonna go visit
my mother in South Carolina,
which I do every year at this time,
so that gets me out of Dodge.
With me gone Saturday,
Kevin's gonna be in full bachelor mode,
which means he's gonna
be blacked out by : ,
and when he's out, he is out.
So, you know... make
it look like a robbery,
and obviously, don't actually
take any of our stuff.
Or... Okay, yeah.
Take whatever you want.
Our bedroom is top of
the stairs on the left,
and I'm guessing that you
know what to do after that.
You do, right?
Yes! Jesus!
[INHALES SHARPLY]
Good.
So, uh...
what are you gonna do after?
I'm gonna haul ass outta your house.
Oh, no, sorry. I mean,
like, after after.
You know? It's a lot of money.
Do you have any... Any big plans, or...
Getting the hell away from
here the second my parole's up.
[SIGHS]
Tell me about it. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah.
So, eh, Saturday.
Saturday, and, um...
soon as it's done, you'll get the money.
So, $ , can get you pretty far.
Not far enough.
[DOOR OPENS, CREAKS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
- Hey.
- Hmm?
- Customer sent this back.
- What? Why?
She says it's not dairy free.
The sauce... It's gorgonzola.
That's cheese, you dumbass.
- Who gives a sh*t?
- Who... [SCOFFS]
That's a whole new fillet
I gotta make, Nicky.
- I don't have time for this.
- Excuse me...
Oh! Jesus!
I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry.
- sh*t!
- [SCREAMS]
Get some ice! Some ice!
Aah!
- GREG: Nick.
- What?
"What?"
Christ.
- It was an accident.
- Yeah?
Now I have to shut down the grill
till I can scrape Zack's forearm off it.
- Go home.
- You can't fire me.
They'll throw me in prison.
You really gonna do that?
Spare me, okay? That was an as*ault.
As far as I'm concerned,
Walpole can have you.
[SIGHS] Just...
Can I at least have a day?
A day before my parole officer
finds out about this? Okay?
Do you think you're in a position
to negotiate right now?
Do you?
Okay. Fine.
Tomorrow morning, I'm updating
your employment status with the county.
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
Hey, change of plans.
We're leaving tonight.
I just have one thing I
need to take care of first.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[LAUGHTER]
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS IN DISTANCE]
[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE]
TAMMY: Allison.
I can only imagine how
traumatic tonight was,
but we're gonna have to
ask you some questions.
Is that alright?
Where were you tonight,
just before the sh**ting?
I was... [CLEARS THROAT]
I was in bed with Kevin.
And just for the record...
Your relationship to Kevin McRoberts?
I'm his wife.
I'm his miserable, pathetic wife,
and I'm so glad he's dead.
Hey!
- You can just go home now
if you're not gonna take this serious.
Well, I am serious.
Oh, yeah?
You'd tell a detective
that you're super glad
your husband has just
been suspiciously m*rder*d?
No, of course not,
but this just seems...
It seems unnecessary.
You love a planning phase, right?
Well, here we are.
Well, I'm not an idiot.
I have planned, okay?
In a few days, I'm gonna
go see your friend Nick...
- Not my friend.
- Okay.
Well, you know what I mean.
Your acquaintance...
Not even that.
Your best friend Nick,
and we're gonna go
through all the details,
and then when the police investigate,
they're gonna find
what we planted as proof
that Kevin is the drug
dealer they're looking for.
You're good. I'm good. Done.
Done?
You realize we're not even
at the hard part of all this, right?
Sure.
Once Kevin's gone,
that's like the beginning.
You can't just pick up
and go live out your
scone-and-a-book fantasy
the minute the funeral
cold cuts are gone.
Even when a death isn't suspicious,
people are always looking to make sure
you're mourning enough.
And with this...
[SIGHS] they're gonna
have a ton of questions.
Did you know he was a drug dealer?
Were you in on the dealing?
How was the marriage?
- Did you love him?
- Okay!
Just because I haven't discussed
every little thing with you
doesn't mean that I'm
not taking this seriously
or that I'm some kind of big idiot.
Well, screwing your boss
seems pretty idiotic.
Yeah.
I know.
And I found out with
just about zero effort.
If I did,
I can only guess the cops will, too.
Do you really think that's
a good move right now?
I didn't think of it as
a move. It just happened.
Things can't "just happen."
Everything you're doing
right now is gonna be judged.
If you're laughing at his jokes.
What you're buying at
the damn grocery store.
It all sends a message,
and what do you think affair says?
It's...
bad.
Yes.
Listen, I...
I know you don't want to think ahead
'cause it makes it real.
- It's not that.
- No, it is.
And I get it.
But closing your eyes to
reality doesn't change anything.
It just makes you blind.
So, you gotta be smarter than this.
Smarter than having
an affair right now...
I know!
I know. I know. I know.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
[SIGHS SHAKILY]
Hey.
Eyes open.
Right?
Now...
What is your relationship
to Kevin McRoberts?
He was my husband,
and I loved him more than anything.
Sam, I can't do this.
Yeah, you know what?
This isn't working for me, either.
No, I'm serious. I'm serious. I...
I've been thinking, and I need to f...
To focus on my marriage.
[CHUCKLES] Uh...
Your marriage?
- You hate your husband.
- I don't.
I don't... I don't hate him.
I've just been...
I've been confused.
No, you haven't been confused.
You've been very clear...
- You're miserable.
- Okay.
Do you think telling me that
I'm wrong's gonna change my mind?
That's not how this works, okay?
I-I said I'm done. I'm done.
Okay, wait.
- Sam, stop.
- No. No.
Not until I understand what
the hell just happened here.
Um, seconds ago, we were fine.
And now we're just what? Over?
I told you, I love my husband,
and I need to make it work.
So, you're just gonna throw us away...
For Kevin?
"Us"?
We're not some big love
story. You're my boss.
We have sex in a... In a... closet.
No, you know it's more than that.
No, we pretend that it
is because we don't want
to acknowledge the boring truth,
which is that we're two...
tired, shitty people
who just needed to feel something.
Do you feel...
anything?
Well...
thank you, I guess.
Suddenly, I'm more than
happy to never do this again,
because you...
I don't know when you got so...
broken.
[GASPS]
[VOICE BREAKING] Oh, what the hell?
WICK: You okay?
Mm-hmm. Sure.
You know, you don't need to be brave.
I see women a day, and they all look
the same way that you do right now.
Mm-hmm.
- And how do I look?
- Nervous.
Like you're about to
find out you're defective.
But if the bloodwork comes back okay,
then we will find
a way to make it happen.
It's what I'm here for.
You'll get your baby.
Um, and it'll be clear that
I'm here for fertility stuff,
like on some official record?
- Hmm?
- My, um...
My insurance company can be a real pain.
Oh, yeah. The... The girls up front
will get them what they need.
Alright. Little pressure here.
[GROANS]
So this will be your first?
Yeah.
And how long have you
been with your partner?
My husband.
My wonderful husband.
I-I met him when I
was , and since then,
I feel like I've been in
some kind of fever dream.
A great one.
That's young.
Yeah.
I was so nervous on my wedding day.
I'm... I'm not good with
crowds or big decisions.
I just kept... reapplying deodorant
and wondering if I should
just run for the hills.
He saw me, uh...
pacing back and forth in the hallway,
almost crying to Father O'Donnell.
I'm sure it was obvious
I was freaking out,
but instead of talking to me about it
or acknowledging it, he, uh...
[LAUGHS]
He pantsed the priest.
I actually laughed.
And after that, I was fine,
because I-I really
believed that he would...
You know, he would do anything for me.
Just keep... pantsing priests
and making me laugh for
the rest of our lives.
I haven't thought about that in years.
Well, it's a good thing you didn't wait
another years to start trying.
Nobody's getting any younger.
[SOBS]
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean...
No, I'm fine.
I'm fine. I'm not usually a...
I'm not usually emotional, so I'm fine.
I'll be fine.
Thank you.
Uh, will there be a record of my visit.
Just my, uh... My insurance company...
You bet.
[TELEPHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE]
'Kay.
[SIGHING] Mm.
Ah!
[CHUCKLES]
[CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY]
Oh! Oh.
[CHUCKLES]
Sorry.
Classic Allison.
[TELEPHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE]
Well...
so cute.
Can't wait to show my
husband when I get home.
[SOBS]
Damn it!
TAMMY: Can you tell me what happened
immediately after you heard the g*nsh*t?
Um...
I don't know.
There was screaming.
And...
our neighbor called.
Patty.
Well, you know Patty.
Patty's full name, please?
Um, sure.
Um, Patricia Deirdre O'Connor.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]
Oh, hell.
You need some help?
No. No. I'm fine.
This is great. It's a great date.
Ahh!
Wow. You hate this.
No.
- I...
- Thank God.
Me, too.
I thought this was gonna
be soothing or something.
It's not.
Want to just get drunk
off their wedding wine?
Yes, please.
Ooh.
I love your brush strokes
here. Very evocative.
- Oh, yeah?
- Absolutely.
I can feel your anger at the sunset.
It's a commentary on
the passage of time.
Of course. Where you gonna put it?
Somewhere really special.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
[LAUGHS]
Sorry.
This is rude.
But work is intense.
Anything interesting?
Maybe.
Come on.
Liven up the life of
a hairdresser, please.
I'm not sure how exciting it is.
We picked up this little old lady
for a forged prescription
across town at Melba's.
Like, a -year-old telling me
and Bram to screw off.
But I'm pretty sure
she was being supplied
by this dealer we're after, so...
Done.
All yours again.
Um...
my brother might be in there.
He uses my oven a lot.
I've met Neil.
I don't think you have to worry
about him deducing anything.
Yeah.
But it's not just Neil
you're worried about.
This has all just happened kinda fast,
and I haven't been able
to get my head around it.
What's to get your head around?
We like each other.
Yeah.
And that's new for me.
Is it?
Come on. You're telling me
I'm the first woman
you've ever had feelings for?
I...
guess so.
Yeah. Yes.
You didn't grow up looking twice
at the Morton's Salt Girl
or Jo from "Facts of Life"?
What? No.
Are you much older than me?
What about your "nosy ass neighbor"
from the bar the other night?
Okay. Now you don't know
what you're talking about,
so you should just stop.
I'm not trying to piss you off.
I'm just trying to show you
that it's not a big deal.
Maybe it is.
I have cable, okay?
I know we're all fine
with everything now,
but maybe if you're and
still figuring things out, it's...
it's embarrassing.
Can you please just let it be hard?
Can't that be okay?
If it's the right person... If
I'm the right person...
I think it's supposed to be easy.
And you'd probably kiss
me before you had a chance
to think about who might see.
[SIGHS]
No, I think, uh, the slashing windmill's
a better look on me, Neil.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
Fine.
But I get to stick my tongue out.
It's very muscular.
[LAUGHTER]
Shouldn't you have gotten this
out of your system at Halloween?
Kev and I are starting a band.
Shouldn't you have gotten
that out of your system
in middle school?
It is never too late
to fulfill your destiny.
I just found out last night
that I'm supposed to be a rock star.
Kev did karaoke at
Sully's and k*lled it.
I always knew I was
destined to be famous.
I just never thought
it'd be for singing.
Yeah, I assumed it'd be some
sort of testicle-bashing video.
Same.
I mean, singing is [CHUCKLES]
pretty soft, you know?
Yeah. Thanks, Josh Groban.
But last night, with
the crowd eating it up,
I just figured, if it
leads to fame and fortune,
it can't be that soft.
And that's when it dawned on me.
♪ Jenny McCarthy t*nk Top ♪
- Is that...
- What is that?
- It's our band name.
- Yeah.
Jenny McCarthy t*nk Top?
It's brilliant. We'll
save a bundle on marketing.
Yeah, everyone I know already Googles
"Jenny McCarthy t*nk Top" constantly.
Now our sound will pop up
right next to the
blonde in the half shirt.
- It was either that or...
♪ Fassbender's Hog!
No day jobs. No responsibilities.
Just the music and the open road.
And let me guess.
I'm on tambourine.
Uh, oh.
- Well...
- Uh...
we didn't exactly, uh, factor you in.
Yeah.
Well, uh, what do you know
about driving a tour bus?
Or... Or... Or picking out
only green M&M's from
bags of other M&M's?
Hey, hey, hey. Hold up.
Band meeting.
Ugh! [SIGHS]
We cannot have a girl
in a band named Jenny McCarthy t*nk Top.
I guess that would be pretty weird.
Unless it's Jenny McCarthy.
[LAUGHTER]
So we're agreed then?
We put the kibosh on chicks in the bank
who aren't Jenny McCarthy?
Even a half-chick like Patty?
MEN: ♪ Jenny McCarthy t*nk Top ♪
[NOTE PLAYS]
I'm sorry, man,
but there's just no room
for you in Jenny McCarthy...
- ♪ t*nk Top ♪
- ♪ Top ♪
And what about Allison?
She's in the bathroom
getting all dolled up
to be a groupie.
Oh, you know,
I'd say you could be
a groupie, too, Patty,
but you obviously can't
be with Neil, so...
you'd have to be Pete's.
Too clingy.
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
Allison?
Patty?
Yes.
Obviously.
What're you doing in here?
I'm...
[SNIFFLES]
Jesus, what the hell happened to you?
Nothing.
Uh...
you sure?
Yeah. I'm fine.
[SOBBING]
- You're sobbing.
- No, I'm not.
I'm not.
Last time I cried was,
like, years ago,
and even then, it was 'cause I saw a dog
get hit by a car outside
the package store.
What, am I made of stone?
Even Uncle Chuck pretended to
have allergies that day, okay?
[SOBS]
- Ugh.
- Shut up.
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
It's been happening all week.
It's like a physical thing.
I can't help it. It's
like a... a sneeze.
Yeah.
I like to get drunk alone
in the tub to sneeze, too.
I should just get used to it, right?
"Drunk and alone" is a nice snapshot
of the rest of my life.
- Come on.
- No, you come on!
I've done some sh*t, Patty.
I'm like a monster now. I-I hurt people.
I lied to a police officer.
You think that's the
worst thing you've done?
I just risked everything
so that afterwards, when it's done,
- I get to die alone.
- Jesus.
And I'm basically all
dried up down there,
so I can't even have kids
to guilt into loving me.
What?
Do you even want kids?
[SIGHS] Of course.
That's what you do.
I just don't want Kevin's.
No. [SNAPS FINGERS] Hey.
Gimme that.
[SIGHS]
I'm broken.
And before all this,
you were the picture of perfection?
Please.
[SCOFFS]
Thank you.
No, I...
I mean, I couldn't stand
being around you before.
You had the presence of,
like, a pointy houseplant.
But a naggy one. A naggy ficus.
Is this you being nice?
I mean, I came up here looking for you
not because things were going to sh*t
and I had to talk to you,
but because I wanted to.
I'm just... I'm saying...
if this is you broken...
If this is you broken...
stay broken.
Come on.
- What?
- Come on.
- In there?
- Mm-hmm.
- [LAUGHS]
- Oh!
Shut up.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey.
I like talking to you, too.
So maybe we can die alone together.
♪ Oh, my love ♪
♪ Oh, my love ♪
♪ My darling ♪
♪ I've hungered for your touch ♪
♪ A long, lonely time ♪
You are the right person.
You.
Okay?
♪ Ooh, my love ♪
Okay.
♪ Ooh, my love ♪
♪ My love ♪
BOB: Is there anyone you can
think of who's been in conflict
with your husband lately?
Anyone who... might want to hurt him?
[SIGHS] I don't...
Everybody loves Kevin.
Was there an argument earlier in the day
with a friend of his?
Uh, Neil?
He and the intruder were
on the same hockey team
together at Burncoat.
I mean, maybe.
No, K...
Neil's not capable of
something like this.
You'd be surprised
how dark people can be
beneath the surface.
Oh, no. I don't mean capable like that.
I mean, um...
You know, the guy who jumps off a bridge
'cause all of his friends are doing it?
That's not Neil.
Neil's the guy who offers
to jump in first to see
if the water's too cold.
The heck?
Who's throws something like this away?
Future album cover art for
Jenny McCarthy t*nk Top?
Uh, yes, please!
[LAUGHTER]
[GASPS]
[LAUGHTER]
No, please.
Come on in.
Good morning, Neil.
Neil?
Good morning?
Oh, hi. So... I didn't see you.
And your cop friend.
S-Sorry.
At ease.
It's actually great that you're here.
Can I get your advise on something?
- Move.
- No!
Leave her alone, Neil!
No, it's okay. What you got?
Well, let's just say
you had some evidence
that your co-lead singer
and co-lead guitarist
was doing something sneaky
that could break up
Jenny McCarthy t*nk Top
before it even started?
I'm really not following, Neil.
I found these in the trash outside.
They're forms and pamphlets
from a baby making clinic.
Pamphlets with babies on them.
Forms with Allison on them.
You know what this means?
That's it's very personal information,
and you should stay out of
other people's marriages?
No, it means that
Kevin's been lying to me.
So you want to do an interrogation?
Exactly. Teach me how.
No, Tammy's off duty. Leave her alone!
It's okay, Patty.
I don't mind sharing a
little of my expertise.
Great.
So I was thinking we get him,
and I tie him down to a chair,
and then I shine a light in
his eyes, real dramatic-like.
Well, that's illegal.
But what we usually do
is make the perp think
we have more evidence than we do.
By shining a light in his
eyes, real dramatic-like?
Not exactly.
First, we start with a
couple baseline questions
that have nothing to do with the crime
so we can establish a good relationship.
"Questions for good relationship."
Then you should stay
quiet as much as you can.
Stay quiet, as in,
"Don't ask him anything
because it's none of your business."
As in... let the perp talk.
And if I have a photo
or a piece of evidence
that I think might take him by surprise,
I slide it across the table.
Real... dramatic-like?
Real dramatic-like.
Then I watch their face.
You're looking for signs of recognition.
What if this guy's a real mastermind?
I mean, he once snuck
booze into Gillette Stadium
in a fake fat stomach...
over his real fat stomach.
What if he outsmarts
me, and I can't tell?
Well, then my partner and I
would do a little good cop/bad cop.
Oh! That's good.
"Good cop/bad cop".
Man, you are way funner
than Allison to have around.
Thanks for your help.
Happy interrogating.
Is there any other kind?
No! Stop.
You can't go getting into
other people's business.
Fine.
[LAUGHTER]
Kevin.
Interesting to find you here.
Uh, yeah.
Hey, how's your guitar coming?
'Cause I've been thinking,
it might be cooler
if I just sing and hold the guitar
and you play for both of us.
Hey, Kev, I got a couple of questions.
Okay.
How many beans do you think
are in a standard Bush's can?
- I don't know.
- Great.
What a fun relationship
we've established.
[CHUCKLING] Are you okay?
Did you try to put on a fake mustache
with airplane glue again?
Kev, listen, I'm on your team here.
So why don't you tell me
what you need to tell me?
Uh, o-okay.
Uh, I was gonna wait
until Pete got back,
but I guess I can tell you now.
I booked us a gig for the band.
Wait, no way.
Really? That's wicked awesome.
Hey, I got some art we can
use for the poster and...
Mnm, no. No.
That's... That's not it.
Huh?
Kev, listen,
I'm your friend here, okay?
You can come clean,
because I'm being nice.
[GROANS]
What...
What is this? What are these notes?
It says "Good Cod Bad Cod."
Are these babies?
Oh, so that's how you
wanna play it, huh?!
I know you're trying to start
a family without me, Kevin!
Have you even thought about
what this'll do to the band?!
You may as well have
named the baby Yoko!
Aah!
This is...
Wait, is...
- Allison?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, you didn't know about any of this.
Of course not.
Oh.
I never want babies.
They get to sleep whenever they want,
and I think that's unfair.
Th... That's what I thought.
Well, then I've made
a huge mistake, huh?
No, Neil, it's, uh...
It's good you brought this to me.
Why would Allison go to the
vaginacologist without you?
Why indeed, Neil.
Why, indeed.
Don't take that sleuthing
hat off just yet.
We've got a case to cr*ck.
The music will have to wait!
That's a solidly built guitar.
Let's go!
[LAUGHTER]
BOB: Allison.
I'm gonna need you to
walk us through today,
before the sh**ting.
TAMMY: I know it's hard,
but really, I'm your friend here.
We're almost done.
Did you notice anything
outside of your usual routine?
No.
I woke up. I-I went to
work at the diner... Bev's.
And, yeah, there was
nothing unusual there.
Just, uh, let me know if I
can get you anything else.
Yeah. We ordered two coffees.
Of course. Okay.
Yeah. One sec.
[GROANS]
Um, two coffees, when you have a sec.
Whatever you want.
[SIGHS]
You okay?
I'm fine.
Hey, wait.
I know it's been a hard
week for both of us,
but, um...
we can still talk, you know?
And if you're in a bad place, then...
Hmm?
I just don't like the
idea of you drinking alone.
I've tried to find answers
in the bottom of a rocks glass, too,
and I can tell you, it doesn't work.
I-I wasn't... I wasn't drinking alone.
I had some wine with
a friend last night.
Oh.
I'm not, like, drowning my sorrows.
Of course.
I am fine.
I'm, uh...
happy, even.
Great.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Okay.
'Kay.
[CAR ALARM BEEPS]
[SIGHS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey.
We were going to wait,
but Mom was hungry.
But we understand.
You're busy at your little cafe.
[SIGHS]
What?
What "what?"
You're moping.
I'm just...
I'm sorry I was late.
Well, [SIGHS] they were
just giving me a hard time
about the reno before you got here.
Sorry. I should've been
here to back you up.
It's okay.
[SIGHS]
Should've expected it.
I mean, they always
need something to pick at
that isn't their marriage.
Why get divorced if you can just
throw money at projects
to distract yourself?
You think they should've?
Uh, yeah.
A long time ago.
Instead of taking their
hatred for each other out
on everybody else.
[LAUGHS] God, yes.
You know, sometimes,
I feel like I borrowed
money from a loan shark,
the way your mom "naturally"
works the diner's profit
into conversations.
Can't see through that at all.
And then your dad pretends
like he's on everyone's side, right?
"Dearest, please.
We mustn't talk finances
in front of the children."
Would've been less
painful to borrow money
from someone who'd
just break my fingers.
What? [SIGHS]
What?
They're...
very generous with us.
And where are your parents
any time we need anything?
Okay, that's not... I'm
just agreeing with you.
They've taken us to the
Bahamas every Christmas
for how many years?
And that's very nice of them.
But I never asked for the Bahamas.
[SIGHS] They just want us to be happy.
And we wouldn't afford
this kitchen without them,
let alone your kitchen.
Oh, you mean the, uh,
"little cafe" they funded?
- Stop it.
- You think they'll ever let me
be proud of that place?
Of building anything,
knowing it came from them?
I'm just their latest
thing to throw money at.
Well, let's be honest,
you're a hell of a project!
[SCOFFS]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Where are you going?!
Maybe I don't want to
waste the next years
trying to distract myself.
[DOOR SLAMS]
Is that it?
Can I please go now?
Mm, just about.
What was Kevin doing
today up to the sh**ting?
[SIGHS]
The human body's a house of horrors.
I just got a new recurring nightmare.
Being so small I get sucked
down my shower drain is out.
That thing is in.
What kind of a sicko would choose
to do this to themselves?
Oh. Sorry, ma'am.
He didn't mean you.
He... He meant her.
[LAUGHTER]
God, if this is all so
gross, why are we here at all?
It's simple, Neil.
It's a matter of the birds and the bees.
Ooh, go slow. This story sounds fun.
See, Allison's birds are obviously
not laying their eggs
properly in her little nest.
So, that's why you think she went
to the baby doctor without you?
Definitely.
But if these quacks get in her head,
she might try pinning
her issues on my bees.
- [GASPS] She wouldn't.
- She would.
But now, she can't, because
once I go in the back
and buzz in a little cup,
I'll have legal documentation
showing that my dude-hive
is loaded with primo pollen.
The primo-est.
That's so smart.
It makes perfect sense.
Plus, as a bonus,
they got dirty magazines back there.
Well, can't you just, like,
watch nudie stuff on your phone?
Where's your sense of history, Neil?!
These are magazines, okay? Old school.
It'll be like visiting
Colonial Williamsburg
and churning my own butter.
It's an enriching experience.
You always find a way to
see the magic in the world.
[LAUGHTER]
Attention, everyone!
Report to the living room at once!
Report to the living
room! This is urgent!
The last time you claimed
something was urgent,
you had a fake doctor's note
claiming you had a
"meatball sub deficiency".
You knew that was fake?
Listen, none of that matters now.
I have an announcement.
[DRUM ROLL]
Kevin, focus!
- Hey!
- Sorry.
I, Kevin Garnett McRoberts,
am going to be a daddy.
Oh, my God! Oh, this is so exciting!
What a blessing! Oh, my child. Oh...
What? No. What? I'm not pregnant!
Allison's right, Dad.
There is no bun in this
roomy oven just yet.
But don't worry.
There will be plenty of tummy
touching down the road.
Kevin, what kind of joke is this?
A cosmic one, really.
I never wanted to be a father.
You know what I say about kids...
They're only good for
their tiny fingers.
Exactly.
And I'm all set there,
'cause your hands are pretty small.
That's sweet.
When you have a kid, it
becomes all about them,
which means it's not
about me, and that sucks.
You were a blessing, Kevin.
You never caused me a problem once.
Well, thanks, but that's 'cause
you were drunk off the
blood of Christ, Pop.
But I took my talents
to the baby batter bank.
The what now?
The fartility clinic.
And I found out
that my bees have % motility.
[LAUGHS]
Runs in the family, son.
Yeah, when I got your mom pregnant,
we were in separate bathtubs,
like that Cialis commercial.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, come on!
It would be a slap in God's face
if I only used my business
for recreational purposes.
No.
I need to populate this
town with mini-Kevins,
for the good of all mankind.
- That's my boy.
- So cool.
- No joke?
- No joke, babe.
[SOBS]
Oh, I know. I know.
All your dreams are coming true.
Again, there's nothing in there!
Not yet! Not yet!
But time is of the
essence, because, you know,
the band is starting to really take off,
and we need to get this going now.
How awesome would it
be if we got you preggo
before you left town next week?
You could celebrate the
good news with your mom!
So, you're saying you want to...
like, right now?
[CHUCKLES] Rrow!
No. Not right now.
No, Jenny McCarthy t*nk Top
has our inaugural concert tonight,
so we have to get ready.
But after the concert,
I'm all yours, hon.
You know what?
You'll be like my
little at-home groupie.
I still can't believe it!
I'm gonna be a daddy!
[CHANTING] D-A-D-D-Y!
D-A-D-D-Y!
♪ Jenny McCarthy t*nk Top ♪
[LAUGHS]
What an amazing night! [LAUGHS]
What an amazing night!
- Aah!
- Oh.
Oh, I just had
the most amazing night
of my entire life.
[CHUCKLES] Oh.
The crowd demanded three karaoke encores
of "Don't Stop Believing."
You should've been there.
Although if you had been,
it might've changed the vibe a little.
Sure.
Can you imagine how much
people are gonna love our band
once we actually have original songs?
Or learn to play instruments?
So much.
Well, time for bed.
We both know how you are
when you've had liquor.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, ma'am. Not tonight.
In the spirit of being a good daddy,
I have not had a drop to drink.
Just six Red Bulls. [GIGGLES]
[SIGHS] I'll tell you,
all this talk of dr*gs and rock 'n' roll
has really got me thinking, you know,
there's something missing
from that trifecta.
I don't know.
Maybe tonight is the
night that we start...
[GLASS SHATTERS]
What was that?
I think it's just the house settling.
Well, it sounded like more than that.
[RATTLING]
Okay.
There's someone in the house.
- You stay there.
- Oh, this can't be happening.
This can't be happening.
Kev, I'm sure it's fine...
Is that a g*n?
Where the hell did you get that?
I found it out in the back
yard with Neil's metal detector.
The last tenant must
have buried it out there
before he went to prison.
But it's ours now.
[THUDDING]
Here's the thing... Once
you decide to have kids,
there's this thing that,
like, awakens in you.
You know? Like, a real...
protective urge.
When I found this
thing, I-I didn't know
what I was gonna do with it,
but now...
I know exactly what it's for.
I have to protect us.
All of us.
- There's still nothing in there.
- Right. Sorry.
- Stay here.
- Kev, don't...
- Shh!
- Don't.
[SOFTLY] No. No, no, no.
No, no, no. [BREATHING SHAKILY]
- [g*nsh*t]
- [GASPS]