03x14 - The Teeter-Totter Caper

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Brady Bunch". Aired: September 1969 to March 1974.*
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A woman with three daughters marries a widower with three sons.
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03x14 - The Teeter-Totter Caper

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♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up ♪

♪ Three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of a
man named Brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four
men living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪

♪ Till the one day when
the lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group must
somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all
became the Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ The Brady Bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we
became the Brady Bunch. ♪

Isn't it marvelous, Alice?

My cousin Gertrude is
finally getting married.

For her, it's marvelous.

For me, it'd be miraculous.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, hi, honey.

What's the good
word, honey? Mmm.

Well, Gertrude is
gonna get married.

Gertrude... your
cousin Gertrude?

The one and only.

Quick, a chair, I may faint.

Oh, Mike. The invitation's
for a week from Sunday night.

Hmm. Gee, a wedding...

Do I get all dressed up?

Do I have to wear
a dumb old tie?

Oh, I'm sorry, kids.

The invitation is
just for the grownups.

Not us kids?

Well, Marcia and Greg are going,

but they're older.

And, um, Jan and
Peter are going, too.

What about us?

Well, there's a wedding
reception afterwards.

I think Gertrude
thinks you're too young

to stay up that late.

Besides, weddings

aren't all that interesting.

You'll have a much
better time at home.

Sure, the three of us will
watch TV, play games,

have a lot of fun.

Yeah. A lot of fun.

You think you can fix it?

Easy.

What are you doing?

We're fixing Marcia's radio.

Can I help?

This is kind of tricky.

Yeah, it's too
technical for little kids.

I could hand you
tools and things.

Maybe some other time, Bobby.

No, Cindy.

It's too hard for you.

But why can't I help?

The chair goes in my room, too.

Look, Cindy, this isn't a game.

If you mess up the paint,

we're going to have
to do it all over again.

Greg and Peter won't even let me

help fix a dumb old radio.

"It's too tricky."

I can't even help paint a chair.

We're not even important
enough to go to the wedding.

Why can't us little kids

do things that
are important, too?

Hey, that gives
me an idea, Cindy!

What?

We'll do something important.

That'll show them.

Like what?

Like... I don't know.

But I'll think of something.

Yeah!

Something really,
really important.

Boy, I know something

that would make
us really important.

What?

But we can't do it.

Well, maybe we could... tell me.

Well, wouldn't it be great if we
could stow away on a spaceship?

A spaceship? Wow!

We'd be the first
little kids on the moon.

But even if we could, Mom
and Dad wouldn't let us go.

Yeah.

They probably wouldn't
let us climb the Alps, either.

Well, let's think
of something else.

I'm tired of thinking.

And it's almost
time for Cartoon King

on television.

I thought of something
else important we could do.

What?

Well, wouldn't it be great

if we could go to New York

and climb to the top of
the Empire State Building?

I bet lots of people

have climbed to the top of
the Empire State Building.

Not on the outside.

Alice, would you please
raise the hem an inch?

I want to wear
it to the wedding.

Mm, okay, sure.

Isn't it romantic?

Cousin Gertrude

getting married
after all these years.

I wonder if I'll
ever get married.

Well, I certainly would start to
worry about that if I were you.

I mean, after all, here you
are almost 13, over the hill.

And last but not least, here's
the human side of the news.

Cartoon King comes on next.

This afternoon, two enterprising
and very tired college boys

in Farrellville are
out to set a record.

They've been on a teeter-totter
for 100 straight hours.

They're almost there...
The old record is 124 hours.

124 hours up and
down, without a stop.

Now, there's a
record to sh**t at.

Did you hear that?

What if we set a new record?

Yeah.

We'll start tomorrow morning.

Well, I'll see you later, Alice.

You're off and
running pretty early

for a Saturday
morning, Mrs. Brady.

Oh, yeah, I gotta get downtown

and get Gertrude
a wedding present.

I sure hope I can get
her something different.

You know what I mean, Alice?

Yeah, everybody always gives

the obvious, like toasters.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Mr. Brady and I
got nine of them.

We didn't know whether
we were getting married

or opening a restaurant.

Everybody sure is in
a hurry this morning.

We gotta get started early.

We're going to set

a new teeter-totter
record, okay, Mom?

Sure, kids. Have fun. Bye.

Well, I'd better get going.

I sure hope I can find
something for Gertrude, Alice.

You know, she isn't the easiest
person in the world to buy for.

Well, she already has
the best gift for a wedding.

A man.

Well, I'll see you later.

Hi, Dad. Hi.

Hi, kids.

Guess what we're going to do?

When I get home, Bob.

I'm late for an appointment.

We're going to set a
new teeter-totter record.

Oh? Mom said we could.

Well, good for you.

Have fun, kids.

Bye! Bye. Bye-bye!

It'll take a long time
to set the record.

Are your muscles in good shape?

I guess so. Are yours?

Sure. Feel this.

I don't feel anything.

Well... maybe it's
in the other arm.

Hey, Alice, have you
got a watch? Yeah.

Tell us exactly what
time it is when we start.

Start?

For the new
teeter-totter record.

It has to be official.

Aha. Okay, official, right.

All right, uh, let's see.

It's three minutes after 8:00.

And... go!

Hey, Alice, what time is it now?

Three minutes and
20 seconds after 8:00.

Gee, that's 20 seconds already.

Yeah, we only have to do this
about... a million more times.

Jan, would you zip me up?

Sure.

Do you think my dress
is short enough now?

Sure, it looks fine.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Okay.

I'm trying to look at myself.

Well, so am I.

Come in.

Here's your radio.

We did it.

Thanks. What was
the matter with it?

Your variable tuner
was out of whack.

Wow. And you fixed it?

Nothing to it.

Nothing to it for him.

I fixed it.

Thanks, Greg.

That's okay.

What are you girls
all dressed up for?

It's for the wedding.

That's next week.

Why wait till the last minute?

Hey, if they're going
to wear junk like that,

we're going to have to
get all dressed up, too.

Why, sure. It's a wedding.

It's the most romantic thing

that can ever
happen in a girl's life.

What about the poor guy?

Don't you want to get married?

Sure! When I got
nothing else to live for.

I mean, don't you want
a home and children?

We already got a home...

And a whole bunch of children.

Come on.

Hi, Alice.

Hi, Mrs. Brady.

Well, I think I got

the perfect gift for Gertrude...

Something I'm sure no
one else would think of.

Oh, what's that?

A silver frog.

Oh, a silver frog.

Well, you're right, it's
a million-to-one sh*t

she won't even get a green one.

Oh, Alice.

A frog for flowers.

See? This part is the frog

and then you can use this

for candy or nuts or anything.

Hey, that's kind of
pretty. Isn't that great?

Hey, is somebody
going on a picnic?

Oh, no, no, this is
just a little something

for Mr. Teeter and Miss Totter.

Mr. Teeter and Miss Totter?

They're out to set a
world record, remember?

You don't mean to tell me
they're not still on that thing?

Since three minutes after 8:00.

I didn't think
they were serious.

Oh, they couldn't be seriouser.

Whew.

You getting tired, Cindy?

No, not much.

You getting tired?

No. We're getting close
to that million times.

Okay, kids, lunch break!

But we can't stop, Mom.

Well, you have to
have a sandwich.

That'll ruin the record.

We've got to keep going.

You said we could set a record.

That's what you
said this morning.

I really said that, huh?

Just before you went
out to buy the frog.

Well, you have to eat
something, anyway.

I'll bet they can do both.

You got to promise
me one thing, kids:

That you'll both stop
when you get tired, okay?

Okay, Mom.

We promise. We're really
going to break the old record.

Well, good luck, kids.

By the way, Alice,

what is the old
teeter-totter record, anyway?

124 hours.

124 hours?

Milk... eggs... um... cheese...

potato chips...

Buon giorno,
housewives everywhere.

Hello.

Today, our Gondola
Gourmet is going to share

the secret with you

of his famous Meatballs
and Spaghetti A La Florentine.

Great. I'll have
that for dinner.

I will go slowly so we
can make it together.

Now we have our
skillet handy, yes?

Yes. No.

The secret of spaghetti
and meatballs is the sauce.

We make that first

with my special mix
of spice and herbs.

Spice and herbs.

First, we must have basil.

Basil.

And next, oregano.

Oregano.

And then bay leaves.

Bay leaves, bay
leaves, bay leaves.

Now, the garlic.

Garlic. Where's the garlic?

Garlic?

Next, onions. Prepare
one cup, finely chopped.

Will you wait a minute,
I'm still on the garlic.

Alice! Alice, can
you come out here?

Oh, I'm busy, Cindy.

Our record's in danger!

Okay, honey, I'm coming.

And soon we will have
our sauce esquisita!

Sorry, I'm going to have
to sauce my own esquisita.

You know, Bobby, I don't
think we're quite even.

I seem to have a
little bit more ballast

on my side than you do.

What's "ballast"?

It's a fancy word I use

'cause I don't
like to call it flab.

Hi, Dad.

Hi, Mr. Brady.

Hi.

Alice is helping us

with our teeter-totter record.

In the teeter-totter game, I
am what is known as a sit-in.

Sit-in? Hi, Dad. Thanks, Alice.

Yeah, you see,
I officially sit in

for all the contestants
whenever they have to do

whatever it is they have to do.

She means if we have
to go to the bathroom.

Well, I can see you're a
friend in time of need, Alice.

You kids are really serious
about this, aren't you?

Yeah, we've been going at it

since three minutes
after eight this morning.

We're really going to set
a new teeter-totter record.

Well, I certainly hope so.

What's for dinner, Alice?

I'm starving.

Well, that depends.

What day is it?

Hi, honey.

Oh, hi, dear.

Would you believe

that those two
have been on that...

Teeter-totter.

Teeter totter since
early this morning?

Yeah. Since three minutes
after eight, to be official.

Well, do you think we
ought to let them keep going?

Oh, sure. Why not?

It's no worse than
if they spend a day

playing in the park.
Anyway, you know kids,

one minute they
want to do one thing;

the next minute, they
want to do something else.

Well, they certainly have
their minds made up about this.

Yeah, well, their
minds may be ironclad,

but it's the other end that's
gonna make them quit.

Aren't you getting tired?

Well, some of me is.

Why don't you quit?

I think it's dumb.

We're setting a record.

That's important.

Right. We'll put an
umbrella over them

when the rainy season starts.

Hey, I got a great idea.

We can hitch up a
drill to the teeter-totter

and you'll be an oil well.

Go ahead and laugh.

We'll show you.

Yeah, we'll show you.

Wait till they find out

we're having spaghetti
and meatballs.

That'll get them in here.

And next week

you're gonna go for
the pogo stick contest.

Hi, there.

Is this the Brady house?

Yeah, it is. Can I help you?

My name's Winters,
Daily Chronicle.

Hi. I'm Bobby Brady.

And I'm Cindy Brady.

Oh, you're just
who I'm looking for.

Your mom and dad around?


Yeah, they're inside.

What's this all
about, Mr. Winters?

Just covering a
little news story, son.

Cindy and Bobby are news?

Sure. They're out to
set a world's record.

Would one of you mind calling

your mother and father?

Yeah, Peter, go get them.

How long have
you kids been at it?

Since three minutes
after eight this morning.

Well, that's a
pretty good start.

Mmm, a smell like that
could drive a man mad.

Well, I just may dab
a little behind my ears.

Mom, Dad, come on out.

There're some guys out
here from the newspaper.

They're taking
pictures and everything.

Tsk.

Look, one hand.

Look, no hands.

Better be careful, young man.

You know, this is a
pretty big ambition...

Setting a world's record.

We can do it.

Do you think you can
do this, young lady?

Well, if Bobby does it, I do it.

We go up and down together.

Mr. And Mrs. Brady? Yes.

I'm Art Winters from
the Daily Chronicle.

Hello. Hi. Hello.

Hope you won't mind us taking
a few pictures of the children.

No. You mean this is news?

Sure. Great
human-interest stuff.

We have a lot of human
interest around here.

My brother and I just
fixed my sister's radio.

That's fine, son, but
one story at a time.

I'm sure you're very proud
of the two kids, Mrs. Brady.

Well, to the tell
you the truth...

Mother very proud...

I guess you're a
little concerned, too.

Well, uh, my husband and
I, at first we thought that...

Mother, all family, concerned...

Mr. Winters... I know
just how you feel.

You do?

Thanks a lot, folks. Oh, good.

Good-bye, kids. Good luck.

M-Mr. Winters, would
you mind telling me

how you found out about this?

We got a phone call down at
the paper first thing this morning.

Oh. Thanks.

Isn't that exciting?

I wonder who called
the paper this morning.

We did.

We figured the people
ought to know about us.

Yeah, even us little kids
can do something important.

Important?

So that's what
this is all about.

Spaghetti and
meatballs is ready.

Sauce Esquisita A La Alice.

Boy, are you guys
missing something good!

Spaghetti and meatballs.

They're not missing a thing.

I'm going to fix them
something special, too.

How come they get
that kind of service?

Well, because they're
setting a record,

and we don't want
to spoil it, do we?

Thanks, Mom.

Thanks.

Dad, why is setting a record
such a big deal to them?

Well, I guess
Cindy said it best.

"Little kids can do
something important."

And sometimes
we all forget that.

Well, you know, kids want
to be part of things, too,

and, well, I'm afraid sometimes
we give them the brush-off.

Like maybe trying
to help fix a radio?

Or like that time
we painted the chair.

Well, I guess we
all understand now.

You got to admit,

Bobby and Cindy
really made their point.

Yeah, but I'm afraid
no matter how hard

they try to break that record,

one thing is bound to stop them.

Get that arm in there. Come on.

I think it's just
about over, honey.

They sure are giving it
everything they've got.

Bobby. Wake up, Bobby!

Who's sleeping?

But maybe you'd
better take a nap,

and I'll take one later, okay?

Okay.

Come on, sweetheart.

There you go.

Bob... Come on, wake up.

Wake up.

Come on in.

Boy, they really
got in the paper.

Well, that's what they wanted.

Read it, Dad.

Well, it says, "Bobby
and Cindy Brady

"set out yesterday to break

"the world's
teeter-totter record.

"They began their as*ault on
the record at 8:03 in the morning,

"and as of the taking of
these exclusive photographs,

"the two have been
teetering and/or tottering

"for several hours.

"The current record as
set by Ralph Nelson, 19,

"and Allen Rudolph, 20,
is slightly over 124 hours.

"The young Bradys feel
that with a serious effort,

the record is
within their grasp."

How come you let us
fall asleep last night?

You could have woken us up.

Before you get too upset,

take a look at this
morning's paper.

Yeah, I think you
might like what you see.

That's us!

Wow! We're famous.

You know, we're
really proud of you two.

Thanks.

But we didn't set a record.

Well, now wait a
minute... Maybe you did.

How old were those guys
you saw on television?

Oh, real old... like in college.

What's the record
for kids your age?

I don't think there is one.

There you are.

You set a record.

Hey, yeah!

We really did!

I hereby proclaim
Cindy and Bobby Brady

junior teeter-totter
champions of the world.

Whoops, I'll get it.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Gertrude.

Oh, yes, we're
looking at it right now.

Yes, they're very excited.

Well, hold on a
minute. I'll see.

Cousin Gertrude
would like to know if

you two celebrities want
to come to the wedding.

Who wants to go to
a dumb old wedding?

I sure don't.

Uh, sorry, Gertrude,

but our two celebrities
are all booked up.

Thanks. Bye-bye.

Come on, Bobby,

let's try to break some
other kind of record.

Yeah. Come on.

I thought they wanted
to go to the wedding.

Not really, but it's
always nice to be asked.

Come on, Jan.

Where?

Why don't we
break a record, too?

We can't let two
little kids b*at us out.

I don't think we can stand

more than two world's
records in one week.

What do you mean two?

Well, there's the
teeter-totter record...

And? Gertrude.

Anybody who spent 25
years shopping for a husband...

That's got to be
some kind of record.

Hold it, folks.

That's not a record yet...

I'm still in competition.

How was the wedding?

Oh, Alice, it was
simply beautiful.

Well, it just goes to prove
that somewhere, sometime,

there's a mate for anybody.

Oh, that's good to know.

Alice, you wouldn't believe it.

Fat, bald, wrinkled.

Thin, scraggly mustache...

You should have seen the groom.

Mike... I told you not...

That's pretty good.

That's better, Pete,
but grip it on the laces.

Okay.

I thought Cousin Gertrude's
wedding was so romantic.

Yeah, it was just like a movie

with all those flowers
and everything.

I've never seen so many flowers.

And did you see
that veil and gown?

They were perfect for her!

Still talking about
that dumb wedding.

It wasn't dumb!

It was beautiful.

"It was beautiful."

Do you take this woman to
be your lawful wedded wife?

Yes, sir, I do.

And do you take this man

to be your lawful
wedded husband?

Oh, yes, sir,

I take this man for my husband.

You may now kiss the bride.

Here, in front of everybody?

Very funny.

Boys. Who needs them?

Yeah, who needs them?

I guess we do if we're
ever going to get married.
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