♪ What would you do
if I sang out of tune? ♪
♪ Would you stand up
and walk out on me? ♪
♪ Lend me your ears,
and I'll sing you a song ♪
♪ I will try not to
sing out of key, yeah ♪
♪ Oh, baby, I get by ♪
- ♪ by with a little help
from my friends ♪
-♪ All I need is my buddies ♪
-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪
-♪ I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ♪ - ♪
try with a little help from my friends ♪
-♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa ♪
-♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
-♪ Somebody who
knows quite sure ♪
♪ Baby ♪
-♪ By with a little
help from my friends ♪
-♪ Said I'm gonna make
it with my friends ♪
-♪ Try with a little
help from my friends ♪
-♪ Oh, I'm gonna
keep on trying ♪
-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪
♪ I'm gonna keep on
trying now, baby ♪
-♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
["The first noel" plays]
-When you're a kid, it's simple.
Christmas is magic.
It's a time of miracles,
When reindeer can fly
and frosty never melts.
Then you get older.
Somehow, things change.
The magic begins to fade...
Until something
happens that reminds you,
At christmastime...
[Whistle blows]
Miracles still can be found...
-Happy holidays, men.
- Sometimes in the
most unexpected places.
-In my grasp is a message
from richard milhous nixon.
Gentlemen, our chief
executive has entrusted me,
As a physical educator,
To make sure you
men are performing
At or above the
national average.
[Smack]
The president's all-american
physical fitness challenge.
[Young men murmuring]
I guess I don't have to tell you
This is an awesome
responsibility, do i?
Arnold?
-Uh... Yes, sir.
You don't...
H-have to tell us.
-I didn't think so.
-By december of 1970,
It was pretty clear christmas
meant nothing to coach cutlip.
While most human beings were
brimming with yuletide cheer,
He was brimming with...
-Chin-ups. Sit-ups.
The shuttle run.
[Chalk tapping]
various calisthenics.
And, of course...
[Tapping continues]
the rope climb.
-Face it...
The guy was scrooge
in a baseball cap.
-Ah-choo!
Scusi.
Okay, now.
Who wants to start?
[Whistle blows]
["Sleigh ride" plays]
-Not that it was
anything new to us.
The pain, the exhaustion,
the humiliation.
It was something we'd
come to expect from the guy.
-Come on, doug, push.
-Still, that year,
A new thought was forming
In our collective
ninth-grade mind.
-Cutlip's a raving lunatic!
-He has absolutely
no christmas spirit.
-He makes us dust the floor
in front of the girls' gym class.
And doug with his
underwear hangin' out.
-My underwear was showing?
-Somebody ought to do
something to that guy.
-Hey, don't get me
involved with this.
I got to play
basketball for the guy.
-It seemed paul was about
the only one of my colleagues
Who had a real sense of reality.
-What I wouldn't give just once
to have something over cutlip.
-Yeah, take him down a peg.
-Maybe we should talk to him.
-Get real.
-What?
-You can't talk to the guy.
Cutlip's from another planet.
-Men.
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking you let me down.
Well... Don't give it
a second thought.
There's always mañana.
-Bottom line...
The guy was completely
out of touch with humanity.
-Okay, that's it.
I say we k*ll him.
-But I wasn't gonna
let my gym teacher
Dampen my christmas spirits.
-There. That wasn't
so bad, was it?
-It was fine, mom.
-If I wanted my
spirits dampened,
I had a mom who
was doing a fine job.
- You know what?
- What?
-We should get
you a new tie, too.
-No, mom.
No ties.
I-i got the shoes.
Enough's enough.
-Kevin?!
-Christmas seemed to
trigger mom's biological need
To buy formalwear
for her family.
-[Scoffs]
Dad needs a tie. You
should get dad a tie.
Okay?
-Well...
Meet me back in five minutes.
-Shoes, ties, calisthenics.
It was beginning to seem
like the whole world
Was adrift in a quagmire
of phony holiday spirit.
It made you wonder...
What ever happened to the magic?
-Ho-ho-ho! Merry christmas!
Step right up here, young lady!
-♪ Sleigh bells ring ♪
♪ Are you listening? ♪
♪ In the lane,
snow is glistening ♪
♪ A beautiful sight,
we're happy tonight ♪
♪ Walking in a
winter wonderland ♪
♪ Gone away... ♪
-Now, this was more like it.
In its own tacky way,
Seeing those kids waiting at
that christmas mall display
Made me remember
what I'd been missing.
-Up here, young
man! Up on santa.
-♪ ...build a snowman ♪
-Maybe it was
santa's hearty laugh.
Maybe I was waxing nostalgic
for my simpler youth.
-Ho-ho-ho-ho!
So, bobby, tell me,
What would you like from
santa for christmas, huh?
-Whatever it was, for
the first time in years,
Saint nick actually
seemed familiar to me.
-What's that?
A bike? Slow down, bobby.
Ho-ho-ho-ho.
-Like a long-lost uncle
who I couldn't quite place.
-Ah-choo!
Scusi.
-Cutlip?
-Well, every young
man should have...
-♪ Dashing through the snow
in a one-horse open sleigh... ♪
-It was horrible...
Worse than horrible.
The whiskers,
the bells, the hat...
-♪ Laughing all the way ♪
-♪ Bells on bobtail ring,
making spirits bright ♪
-Kind of a christmas
nightmare come true.
-♪ ...ride and sing a
sleighing song tonight ♪
♪ Oh, jingle bells,
jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
-First time I'd ever seen a
teacher outside of school,
And he had a pillow
strapped to his stomach.
[School bell rings]
The next morning,
I tried to block the
terrible image from my head.
I prayed I'd imagined
the whole thing.
-Uh, hi.
-Morning, arnold.
-Mr. Cutlip?
How are you doing today?
-Not bad.
-I tried to read his expression.
Had he seen me?
Had I really seen him?
-Yourself?
-Uh, great. Great.
-Any adventures since
last time I saw you, arnold?
-No.
Well, I did go shopping
at the brightlin mall.
-Brightlin mall?
-Uh-huh.
-Never been there myself.
Don't get out that far.
-Oh.
[School bell rings]
-Ah.
See you in gym class, arnold.
-Uh, yeah, I'll be there.
-Fine.
-And then it was over.
I'd been mistaken.
Suddenly I felt full
of holiday cheer again.
-Merry christmas, sir!
-There are few things
in life I'll always regret.
This was one of those things.
["Santa claus is coming to
town" plays as drill song]
-Listen up, men.
Starting today,
Some of you are gonna
have to work a little harder.
-As I sat on that
cold parquet floor,
I felt as if I were
on death row.
-We begin...
With the shuttle run.
-I knew too much, and I was
gonna have to pay the price.
-Cornell, you're running first.
Then, porter, you're up next.
And let's see...
Arnold.
-Yes, sir?
-He'd been saving me for last.
Who knew what kind of
t*rture he had in store for me?
Grueling sit-ups,
excruciating push-ups.
-How 'bout you keep time?
[Young men murmur]
-Sure.
-Okay, the rest of
you guys, up and at 'em.
-And that's when I realized...
Knowledge was power.
All of a sudden,
christmas had come early.
It was wonderful.
- Obstacles that you're
going to have to overcome...
-Unfortunately, not everyone
shared my holiday spirit.
-You're the first one up.
Come on, everybody,
down this end of the gym!
[Whistle blows] let's go!
Let's go! Move it!
[Whistle blows]
-The next couple
days in gym class,
My popularity was...
-Hey, guys.
Hey!
-Teacher's pet.
- Not exactly at
an all-time high.
-We should just call
you "cutlip-in-training."
-Oh, come on, guys,
it's not like that.
-Oh, yeah?
-I'm one of you.
-Pistachio, arnold?
Red ones. [Rattling]
-Uh...
Sure.
-Keep the whole bag.
-One of us, huh?
-Seemed pretty clear
something had to be done.
-Mr. Cutlip?
-[Humming "deck the halls"]
-Mr. Cutlip?
Can I talk to you?
It's important.
-In here.
sh**t.
-Well...
I think we might have a
little misunderstanding.
-No misunderstanding.
None at all.
-Well...
I just want you to know
that, even though I saw you as...
Well... You know.
-I appreciate you
coming to me, arnold.
-You do?
-Because I wanted
to give you these.
Passes...
To get out of gym.
You're excused from
the president's challenge.
-Mr. Cutlip...
-Call me ed.
-Listen... Sir,
I really don't want
to get out of gym.
-Playing hardball, huh?
-What?
-I'm on to your game now.
I've played a little
ball in my life, too.
Capiche?
-Uh, mr. Cutlip, i...
-Say no more, arnold.
[School bell rings]
Looks like it's class
time for both of us.
-Things were spiraling
out of control.
There was no telling what
a volatile guy like cutlip
Might do next.
-Your wrist hurt from
holding the stopwatch?
-The walls were
pushing in all around me.
-Doug, this isn't my fault.
-Yeah, right.
-This is ridiculous.
Just 'cause I saw cutlip
working at the brightlin mall...
-You what?!
-Uh-oh.
-Forget it.
-You saw cutlip in the mall?
-Yeah, and now my life's ruined.
You happy?
-You kevin arnold?
-There it was... My
summons to destiny.
It was time to face...
My executioner.
[Knock on door]
-Sit down, arnold.
I have something for you.
-Okay.
-He was probably reaching
for a w*apon, a g*n.
-Fruitcake. I picked
it up at the mall.
20% Employees' discount.
-A fruitcake?
-Just one of the many
reasons I took the job...
As... Santa.
You know, arnold,
To a man who's devoted
his life to public education,
The opportunity to buy
wholesale is nothing to laugh at.
[Laughs]
But I don't need to
tell you that, do i?
-No.
I don't think so.
May I go now?
-There's another reason.
-There is?
-Esther cutlip.
My mother.
The woman is a saint.
-Uh-huh.
-I found myself hoping
for the school bell to ring,
The sound of the
buses pulling up,
Anything to get out of there.
-If it weren't for my support,
There's no telling
the catatonic state
The woman might fall into.
-That's nice, sir.
-Tell me something, arnold.
You ever been
inside a santa outfit?
-Oh, my god.
We were crossing a line
Teachers and students
were never supposed to cross.
It was horrifying.
-It's hot and it's sweaty...
-Look, mr. Cutlip?
I don't really want
to know what it's like.
Your discounts, your
fruitcake, your mother...
That's none of
my business, okay?
I'm not gonna tell anyone
about you being santa,
So let's just forget it.
Okay? It's forgotten.
Please.
-Arnold...
Kids like me when I'm santa.
-And right then,
For the first time,
as I looked at the man,
I actually saw a human being...
Not a great human being,
Maybe not even a
good human being...
But a very lonely human being.
-Your secret's safe
with me, mr. Cutlip.
[Door closes]
-I headed home,
feeling pretty good
About not having
spilled the beans...
Until I remembered the
beans had already been spilled.
-Doug, you can't tell anybody
what I told you before.
-Oh. Okay.
-You didn't, did you?
-Well...
Only randy.
-So, um, what exactly
does cutlip do at the mall?
-Forget it.
-Does he sell orange julius?
-You got to tell us
where he works, kev.
- No way!
- Well, we've got eyes.
We'll, uh, we'll just
go find out for ourself.
-Holy cow, these
guys were serious.
The vultures were circling,
and it was all my fault.
And right there, right
then, I knew what I had to do.
[Vacuum cleaner whirring]
- mom? Mom!
I need a ride to the mall.
-Oh, sorry, honey, I was
just about to start dinner.
-I needed a plan...
Something foolproof,
something mom-proof.
-I want to get that tie.
["Frosty the snowman" plays]
-I hope they still
have the paisley.
-Mom, can we split
up for a little while?
-Only after we get the tie.
[Indistinct talking]
-But I knew cutlip's lynch mob
would wait for no neckwear.
-Kevin?
-There was no time to lose.
I had to b*at those
guys to center court,
No matter what the obstacles.
-Oof!
[Train bell dings]
[Train whistle blows]
-Hey, hey, hey! Got
to wait your turn.
-Yeah, but this is
important. I know him!
-That's what they all say.
-You're a fine boy.
Santa's going to give
you whatever you want.
Ho-ho-ho!
-Mommy! Anything I want!
-Arnold.
-♪ Gone away is the bluebird ♪
-What are you doing here?
-Well... I-i...
-You're not gonna
sit on my lap, are you?
- No.
- Good.
You'd be too old.
You realize that?
-Yeah.
Mr. Cutlip, i...
- Shh!
Call me santa!
-I came to say I'm sorry.
- Sorry?
- Yeah.
There's a bunch of guys from
class coming to look for you.
[Train whistle blows]
I kind of let it slip about
you working at the mall.
-You didn't.
-So you probably should
hide out in your shack
Till this whole
thing blows over.
-♪ ...conspire as we
dream by the fire ♪
[Indistinct talking]
-Here they came, the
hounds to the k*ll.
There was only one
option... Head for the chimney.
-No can do, arnold.
-What?
-Let them come if they must.
I am who I am.
-♪ Hallelujah! ♪
♪ Hallelujah! ♪
♪ Hallelujah! ♪
♪ Hallelujah! ♪
-I'll always remember
that look on his face.
He was at once
heroic and stupid.
-♪ Hallelujah! ♪
♪ Hallelujah! ♪
-Move along, arnold.
-♪ For the lord god... ♪
-There was nothing
more I could do.
The die was cast. It
was santa's last stand.
-♪ Hallelujah! ♪
♪ For the lord... ♪
-It's arnold! Come on!
[Train whistle blows]
- Look, guys...
- Where is he, kev?
Might as well tell us.
-Forget it!
-Fine. We're just gonna
have to find him ourselves.
Come on, guys, split up.
-I stood there,
helpless, outnumbered.
And that's when it happened.
Doug porter looked first,
Directly into the
eyes of the man
Who'd taught him gym
for three long years.
Then tommy kisling looked,
too, and randy mitchell.
Those three skeptics gazed
straight at that white beard,
Dead into the eyes
of coach cutlip
Not 30 feet away.
But all that they saw...
Was santa claus.
-Come on, guys.
Let's keep looking.
-It was a miracle.
He stood there like
some patron saint
Of all the lonely people
holidays sometimes forget.
-♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
-All right. Who's
next to see santa?
-And for that brief
moment of christmas magic,
Ed cutlip got his chance
to be what he always wanted.
-Your brother's here?
Well, bring him up
at the same time.
I'll talk to both of
you at the same time.
What a fine-looking
family you come from.
-♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
-And I never gave him away.
-♪ Holy night ♪
-Ho-ho-ho! Merry christmas!
-♪ All is bright ♪
♪ 'Round yon... ♪