04x19 - The Yearbook

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Wonder Years". Aired: January 1988 to May 1993.*
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04x19 - The Yearbook

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ What would you do
if I sang out of tune? ♪

♪ Would you stand up
and walk out on me? ♪

♪ Lend me your ears,
and I'll sing you a song ♪

♪ I will try not to
sing out of key, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, baby, I get by ♪
- ♪ by with a little help
from my friends ♪

-♪ All I need is my buddies ♪

-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ♪ - ♪
try with a little help from my friends ♪

-♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa ♪

-♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

-♪ Somebody who
knows quite sure ♪

♪ Baby ♪

-♪ By with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ Said I'm gonna make
it with my friends ♪

-♪ Try with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ Oh, I'm gonna
keep on trying ♪

-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep on
trying now, baby ♪

-♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

-Any kid who's ever been
to junior high school

Knows one great
universal truth...

Image is everything.

-Take it easy.

-Who you are is pretty much a
matter of who you appear to be.

And who you appear to
be is pretty much a matter

Of hard work and
careful planning.

For most kids, anyway.

Meet peter armbruster...

Otherwise known as..."Pig."

-Let's eat!

Hey, guys.

- Hey, peter.
- Hey, peter.

-Not that anyone ever
called him "pig" to his face.

Still...

-Oh, my god.

He's gonna go for all five!

- As images go,
it wasn't pretty.

-Whoops! Ketchup! Excuse me.

-Face it...

In the looks-conscious
world of 9th grade,

There was only one way
to sum up a guy like peter.

-Uh-oh.

- Ugh!
- Ugh!

-He just didn't seem to care.

Then again, moving from the
ridiculous to the sublime...

Meet brad patterson
and marci doran,

Rfk's prince and
princess of popularity.

They had it all...

The looks, the
moves, the clothes.

Even their hair was popular.

Not that we were impressed.

-Gosh!

They are so cool.

Do you think they look
like that when they wake up?

-Okay, so paul was impressed.

But not me... Not much.

Oh, come on.

What have they got
that we don't have?

-Well, he's the captain
of the football team.

Her dad owns a corporation.

And they're both running
the yearbook this year.

And that's just
for starters. You?

-Paul, they're just
people, like you and me.

This was true... They were...

Kinda...

Sorta.

I guess.

-And so, the creation of
two great nation-states...

Germany, the epitome of power...

And italy, fountain
of youth and romance.

- Which I guess
made me yugoslavia.

-Psst!

Do me a favor. Pass
this to marci, okay?

-Sure.

That was me...
Note-passer to the gods.

-Mr. Arnold.

-Uh...

Could you repeat the question?

-I didn't ask one.

-Oh.

-But you might read the contents
of that note you're holding.

- This?
- Mm-hmm.

-Why don't you stand up and
share it with the rest of us?

-Uh-oh.

Hmm.

No help there.

No help there.

So I was left with a
choice... I could sink...

Uh...

"A dozen eggs...

"A carton of milk...

And american cheese."

-Is that all?

-No, sir.

It also says...

"Pimento loaf."

Or I could swim.

-Class dismissed, mr. Arnold.

-Guess you could say I swam...

Swimmingly.

Not that it meant
all that much to me...

Until that afternoon.

-Hey, kev!

Hey, man, thanks for covering
for us in history today.

-Oh, it was nothing.

-Listen, we're co-editors
of the yearbook.

-And we really want this to be

The best yearbook
rfk's ever seen...

With candid photos

And funny quotes
for all the 9th-graders.

Right, brad?

-Anyways, we were thinking
we could use someone like you

To help us out with the quotes.

-The quotes?

-Yeah. You're a
pretty funny guy.

I bet you'd be great.

-So. You want to?

-Well...

Why not?

-Super.

We're meeting
tonight at my house.

Here's the address.

7:00. See ya.

-Was that brad and marci?

-Yep.

-Talking to you?

-Sure.

-Why?

-They asked me to be on
the yearbook staff, okay?

-You mean you're
going to their house?

Unbelievable.

-What are you talking about?

-What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna say?

What are you gonna wear?

-I probably won't even change.

I wore my best sweater.

-Okay. Let's get started.

-Sure.

That night, I found
myself sitting

Among the pantheon
of the power elite...

Not that I was
nervous or anything.

Not much, anyway.

-Okay. First up, arthur aaron.

What do you think, kev?

-Here it was... My cue.

Uh...

I needed something brilliant...

Um...

Something ingenious...

Something inspired.

Um...

Ummm...

15 Minutes later...

I was still looking
for inspiration.

-You're not saying
much tonight, kevin.

-Me?

Oh, well...

I'm, uh, just getting warmed up.

-Sure, that's it. Give
the guy a chance.

I think he's gonna have
something really funny

For this next one.

-You bet.

And suddenly, my
entire reputation

Was resting on the
next name on that page,

The letters of which
would spell out triumph...

Or doom or...

-Peter armbruster.

What do you say, kev?

-There are moments in
every great man's life

When fate brings him
face-to-face with opportunity.

In my case, this
would be that moment.

It hit me like a
bolt of lightning.

-Let's eat!

- "Let's eat"?

- "Let's eat."

Man, that's hilarious!

-Peter armbruster...
"Let's eat."

Definitely funny. Attaway, kev.

-And so, with that
one simple phrase,

My reputation soared.

My image was made.

I was in...

For that night, anyway.

The next day, though, in
the cold light of dawn,

Things didn't seem so great.

-What's with the threads?

-Knock it off, paul.

-So, guess it went pretty
well last night, huh?

What'd you guys do?

-Nothing. Just... Quotes.

-Hey, guys!

-Hi, peter.

-Yow. The secret of
my success, himself.

-You guys missed the show!

I was cracking up over there,

And I laughed so hard,
milk came out of my nose!

-Gee, peter, that's... Great.

-Well, see ya!

-What is he thinking?

I mean, if that
poor guy only knew

What people said about
him behind his back.

-Uh-huh.

Or wrote about
him in the yearbook.

-So, what'd you write about me?

- Huh?
- My quote.

Come up with
something good for me?

-Oh, paul, we only
got through the l's.

Besides, what's it matter?
It's just a stupid quote.

-You're joking, right?

This is the way we're
gonna be remembered, kev...

Forever.

My parents are gonna
be reading those quotes.

-Paul, enough!

-And my grandchildren.

-It wasn't quite the
message I wanted to hear.

-Hi, guys.

- "Let's eat."

-You might as well
face up to it, kev.

You're writing history here.

-Which, as it turned out...

Was exactly what
I was afraid of.

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Adolescent guilt is
an interesting thing.

No matter how hard you
try to avoid it, somehow...

-Hey, kev. You want
to spot for me?

- You can't.

Well... Actually, peter...

I called upon the now-legendary
arnold wit to bail me out.

Sure.
- Great!

You want to go first?

-No. You can go ahead.

Okay, so I'd spot for the guy.

What's the worst
that could happen?

Oh, man, I'm not
very good at this.

-You're doing fine, peter.

I don't know.

I guess there are
things I'm worse at...

Like dodgeball.

That was a joke.

You know, me...
Dodgeball? Get it?

-Oh.

Sure.

Ugh!

So, how many's that?

-Uh... One, I think.

-Ugh!

Geez, 24 to go.

We won't even get to your turn.

You know, my dad says I
should get more exercise.

And my mom... Well, she...

-Look, peter, this will go a lot
faster if you don't talk, okay?

-Whatever you say, kev.

-But the worst had happened.

Right before my very eyes,

Peter armbruster
was turning into...

A person.

-Believe it or
not, guys, that's it.

We're done.

-Congratulations all around.

-All right. Good job.

-By the next night,
histories had been written,

Fortunes assured,

Reputations etched in stone.

There was just
one little problem.

Uh, can i, uh...

Can I say something?

-Sure.

Well, uh...

I was thinking...

About that quote
for peter armbruster?

Pig?

Hey, hey, "let's eat."

-Yeah.

Well, uh... I was thinking...

You know, maybe
we should change it.

After all, these were
reasonable folks.

They'd see the wisdom in that.

-Change it to what?

-Yeah. "Let's eat" is perfect.

-Wait a minute, jules.
Let's hear him out.

Maybe kevin's got
something even funnier.

-Well, actually, I
was just trying...

But, suddenly, I could feel
my image barometer dropping.

So, once again...


I took the coward's way out.

"Oink, oink"?

- "Oink, oink," it is.

-Great.

-That's perfect!

-That night, I was visited
by a horrible dream.

Door, please.

-There, there,
mother armbruster.

There, there.

We had such high hopes for him.

-He d*ed of a broken heart.

-I can't thank you
enough for coming.

-We were afraid he
had no friends at all.

-After that... Yearbook thing.

-Aah!

I couldn't carry the weight
of my transgression anymore.

-Yeah. All right.

-Hey, guys.

-Hi.

-I was thinking...
About the yearbook?

-What about it?

-Well... A-about the quotes.

The peter armbruster quote...

I think we should change it.

It just wouldn't be right.

There. Felt better already.

These guys would understand.

-But it's funny. Right, brad?

-Yeah, definitely.

-Well... Yeah,
sure, it is, but...

-Listen, kev...

We'd like to help,

But, unfortunately,
it's out of our hands.

-Huh?

-We sent the proofs
to print this morning.

-Print?

Well, there's got to
be something we can do.

Maybe we should go to diperna.

I mean, he's the
yearbook adviser,

And he's gonna find
out sooner or later.

-You know... I think
he's probably right.

-Yeah. I think he's right, too.

-You do?

-When you're
right, you're right.

-Tell you what...
We'll take care of it.

Don't worry about a thing.

-Thanks, guys!

And with that,

My faith in humanity
had been restored.

-Mr. Arnold, can I
speak to you, please?

-Sure.

Well, well, what was this?

A personal summons
from the vice principal.

-Take a seat, mr. Arnold.

-Hey, he probably just
wanted to thank me

For my small role
in this whole matter,

Applaud my good judgment.

-Did you honestly think

You were gonna get
away with this prank?

-Prank?

- "Oink, oink."

-Uh...

-Did you honestly
think that was funny?

-Well... No!

I mean... I guess you
kind of had to be there.

But that's why I told...

-Luckily, not all
your fellow students

Share your brand
of humor, arnold.

-Wait a minute. What
was this guy saying?

-Some of the more
conscientious members

Of the yearbook editorial staff

Told me you were trying
to sneak this quote in.

-Brad and marci said that?

-It's not important who said it.

The important thing is that
you didn't get away with it.

My only question now is...

What length
detention you deserve.

Well, what do you have
to say for yourself?

-Well...

I...

But there was really
only one thing to say.

I'm sorry.

I was confused,
to put it mildly.

Hey!
- Hi.

-Kev-man, what's up?

-Well, it's just, you guys...

But wait a second.

Maybe there was an
explanation for all this...

A perfectly logical explanation.

-What is it, kev?

-Well, nothing. It's just...

Well, I was just
talking to diperna,

And, uh... He kind of blew
his top about the quote.

You know?

But I guess it's no big deal.

-Yeah, no biggie.

-Yeah. Don't give it
a second thought.

-Well... Sure.

Except he gave me
a week's detention.

-Ah. Sorry about that.

-That's too bad, kevin.

-So... When's the next meeting?

-Well, actually, kev-man,

Uh, you know, we thought
we'd take it from here.

-What? What are
you talking about?

-Well, the quotes are done.

-You were a big help,
though. Right, brad?

-Oh, yeah! You're a
pretty funny guy.

-Wait a minute!

I just took the rap in there,

And all you can say is
I'm a pretty funny guy?

-Well, what do
you want us to say?

-Well, how about "thanks a
lot"? Is that too much to ask?

-Kevin... Think
about how you look.

-And that's when I realized
these guys were untouchable...

Like teflon.

-See you in history tomorrow.

-And there you had it...

The final chapter in my short
and not-so-sweet membership

In the upper crust
of junior-high society.

-Hey, kev.

You're blocking
the water fountain.

-Sorry.

In a way, I was kind
of glad to see the guy.

I could take solace

In at least having done
right by my fellow man.

Peter armbruster
probably never knew

The potential embarrassment
that awaited him.

-Something hanging from my nose?

Then what?

-Well...

I could have told
him what I'd done,

How I'd saved his
reputation, his future.

Nothing, peter.

After all,

There was no reason
the guy ever had to know.

Better to leave him
with his illusions.

-Hey, kevin.

Call me "pig."

Everybody else does.

-In junior high school,
image is everything...

A dance with masks...

A fight to fit in.

Maybe it's a struggle
that lasts a lifetime...

For most of us, anyway.

-♪ I ain't sayin' I'm
better than you are ♪

♪ But maybe I am ♪

♪ I only know that when
I look in the mirror ♪

♪ I like the man ♪

-♪ We like the man ♪

♪ He's different, and he
don't care who knows it ♪

♪ Somethin' about
him not the same ♪

♪ He's different,
that's how it goes ♪

♪ He's not gonna play
your gosh-darn game ♪

-♪ I'm different and
don't care who knows it ♪

♪ Somethin' about
me not the same ♪

♪ I'm different ♪
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