01x08 - iLove Gwen

[bunniefuu]

Oh, here it comes. Here it comes.

The comet, it's coming right for us!

No!

That was the comet, not me.

I'm gonna go find Pluto.

Now that it's no longer a planet,

I bet it's all sad that
it's not relevant, like Kanye.

Come on, Freddie, you got to try it.

You can actually go to space
without having to talk

to Elon Musk.

I'm too sad for space.

Space is all I'm gonna have
this next week.

He always gets like this

when I stay with my mom
for a little while.

Which I get. I'm the brightest
star in his universe.

- Why's Gwen in town?
- [GROANS]

I thought she was in Zanzibar
for the next two months

marine biology-ing.

Underwater with her fellow sea monsters.

Thanks for having my back, Carly,

but it's been a year.

Gwen and I are in a good place.

I'm over the divorce.

Really? It would take me
a lot longer to get over

a gorgeous marine biologist
that travels the world

and has eyes that just... see you.

And I'm less over it.

Gwen's in town because
Millicent's drama club is

doing Shakespeare scenes; she's Juliet.

- Oh, from what play?
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hark! Is there a little thespian in here

who misses her mommy?

[MILLICENT]: Me!

Oh, you said "thespian".

Oh, I love you so much,

but you smell absolutely disgusting.

It's probably just the stench of regret

over dumping Freddie.

Hello, Gwendolyn.

I see you're still trying
to make cargo pants happen.

Look who's talking, crop-top.

What you're smelling is

a mélange of sea turtle afterbirth,

hours of middle-seat flights,

and three layovers just to get to you.

Aka the stink of love. [CHUCKLES]

Which I would have washed off,
but a pipe burst

in my apartment, so we need
to find a place to...

- Stay with me.
- Oh...

Freddie, are you sure?

Hmm? Oh, yeah, you'd be there, too.

Of course. Millicent already
has her own room,

and we have an air mattress.

That I will apparently be sleeping on.

Yeah, and you can go take a shower.

- I love this for us.
- [CHUCKLES]

But really, go shower now.

I'll walk you out.

You've been here long enough anyway.

[BOTH SQUEALING]

It's so good to see you.

When can we stop pretending
to hate each other?

Never. I've been doing it
since the divorce.

Honestly, I kind of love it, though.

It's like we're secret agents
that get blow-outs together.

- Choo! Choo! Ha.
- [BOTH SQUEALING]

♪ I know you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance
unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see
the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best
and leave the rest to me. ♪

Harper, I didn't know you liked pool.

I don't. Disgusting little game.

I only learned so I could
ruin Spencer's life.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Oh, no!

What are you doing? I'm trying
to take a sh*t here!

I mean, what's the matter, young child?

The person who was supposed
to design the costumes

for my Shakespeare performance
dropped out.

That's terrible.

Costumes are the most important
part of any show.

Of course you know that.

Clothes are your thing.

I mean, look at you right now.
Girl has taste.

If only you could design the costumes.

Ooh.

Oh, come on, Harper.

Volunteer is the right thing to do.

I believe the children are our future.

Calm down, Whitney.

I'll do it.

Mm-hmm. Pull those strings,
my little puppet master.

You know what's really horrible?

Our set designer also dropped out.

What?! The set is the most
important part of any show.

Of course you know that.

Set design requires a true artist.

Like you. And look at this place.

Boy has taste.

I hear the trap,

but I'm too flattered not to fall in it.

I'll do it. Ugh!

Great. I'm gonna go upstairs
and call Mrs. Decker,

my drama teacher.

Oh, and by the way,

the volunteer who does
the most impressive work

always gets a prize.

[BOTH]: Prize?

Wow, this place brings back
so many memories.

And so many rules.

Yep. No laughter after : p.m.

Ah. Is it weird to say that I miss

her anti-tick shampoo?

Aw...

It's the locket with
Millicent's baby pics

before she grew into her giant head.

"Gwen and Freddie"?

Why is she wearing this?

And why am I talking to myself?

Hmm.

Lots of questions.

This is a disgusting little game.

Mm-hmm, thank you.

Huge news! My costumes are about
to be even more incredible,

because the museum of velvet

is understandably going out of business

and donating everything to me. [LAUGHS]

Huger news: uh, my brain is
donating an amazing idea to me.

The set should be full marble
and sandstone. Booyah!

Should someone check on Carly and Gwen

to make sure they
haven't k*lled each other?

What am I saying?
Gwen would destroy her.

You letting her stay at your place?

Very evolved.

I didn't expect that from you.

We're co-parenting,

so we've learned to be good
around each other.

But seeing her again
does make me miss...

Aw, it's too embarrassing.

Ooh. Dish.

Actually, it is a dish.

She used to make these
unbelievable enchiladas.

- Mmm.
- It was her specialty.

- Gwenchiladas.
- Oh...

- They're that good?
- Yes.

That is why I miss Gwen.

[SIGHS]: It's hard to admit,

but sometimes I lie awake at night

imagining what it would be like
to have that again.

Honestly, just talking about it
makes me crave it even more.

I know it's bad for my heart, but...

I still want it.

[CHUCKLES] Sounds pretty cheesy.

[SPENCER]: Why don't you
just say how you feel

and ask her to recreate the magic?

[FREDDIE]:
I've hinted at it, but she says

it's really complicated, and I
don't want to pressure her.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hey. Where's my mom?

Wasting Freddie's water,
taking a shower.

I mean, the landlord pays
for the water, but still,

the Earth suffers.

Drop the act. I know you're friends.

Hey.

When you guys chat,
does she ever mention

any divorced person she's
romantically interested in?

You mean Freddie? Why do you ask?

Because I just overheard him talking

about how much he misses my mom.

So weird, right?

Yeah. Very weird.

You know something.

Nuh-uh.

My baby locket.

Don't open it.

Whoa.

Do you think they want
to get back together?

Aw, who cares?
I'm getting them back together

whether they want to or not.

We shouldn't interfere.

Unless we should.

No, we don't want to manipulate them.

Unless we do.

- You make good points.
- Yep.

So, you're hooking up two people

who already gave it a sh*t
and got divorced?

You're like the worst dating app ever.

Worse than the one you tried

for people who look like celebrities?

Doppelbanger?

Michael B. Jordan.

More like Michael B. Ugly.

But making Ethiopian food
to recreate their first date?

Why are you working so hard
on this parent trap?

It's not a parent trap.
It's a parent suggestion.

- Mm.
- Gwen's back at her apartment

dealing with the whole
burst pipe situation.

She thinks after that she's
gonna have a relaxing evening

with her daughter.

But I guess the joke's on her, huh?

Exactly. 'Cause Millicent's
gonna come to our place

for a sleepover.

I just know how devastated
Freddie was When Gwen left.

If there's a chance she wants him back,

the least I could do is put them
alone in a room together.

Alone? Aren't you forgetting
about someone?

[SHUDDERS]: No. I remembered.

Who's ready for a slumber party?

And look, I had a puzzle made
of Freddie doing a puzzle.

[CHUCKLES] Nifty, huh?

I told myself I have to finish tonight,

or something horrible
would happen to him.

Okay, I'm sleeping at
Michael B. Ugly's house tonight.

Wow, Mrs. B., that was a really fun game

of Befriend, Marry, Scold.

[LAUGHS]: Thank you.

You know, girls,
this may surprise you, but...

I have never been asked to a sleepover.

What?!

Millicent, can you believe that?

I cannot.

It seems impossible that
that is possible.

Puzzle time! I separated the pieces

into several piles: freckles,
dimples and skin tags.

I don't see any pieces
with facial stubble.

I know. I had them photoshopped smooth.

Ah! Puzzle piece cut!

Not to worry... I have miles of gauze.

BRB.

Good thing I brought
my mini first aid kit.

Ugh! This better be worth it.

I was gonna read a book tonight.

Magazine.

On your phone.

Probably the audio version.

It's still words.

Trust me, we got this.

Oh, my God. Do you have a date?

Is she here right now?

Yup. Apparently, she's you.

What?

Oh.

"Dear parental units,

wanted to give you some alone time

to reminisce about the good old days.

Enjoy dinner in each other's company.

- Love, your little miracle".
- Mm.

"Alone time"?

Why would she even...

Ethiopian food.

She's recreating our first date.

Not exactly. You don't have
that stupid soul patch.

And you got rid
of that terrible eyebrow ring.

Not by choice. I was on a dive,
and a barracuda bit it off.

- Nah, yeah, it was super cute.
- Mm-hmm.

[CHUCKLES]

So, she's trying to set us up.

This is awkward.

[SIGHS] Actually, it's perfect.

There's something
I've been meaning to tell you.

[EXHALES]

[VOICE SQUEAKS]: Okay, sh**t.

I'll say this,

your dad has lovely pores.

Why are we doing this puzzle
when we could be spying

on my parents?

I know. It's k*lling me.

Dare we take a sneak peek?

Oh, we dare.

Oh, good, you're already here.

I need to measure
the circumference of your head.

It's a very normal size.

- Hmm, that's not what this tape measurer says.
- Hey.

I'm making hats
for everyone in the play.

Or you can go ahead
and tell them to give me

the prize now, that's cool.

Thanks, okay.

- Come on.
- Aah!

- What... ?
- Life-changing announcement!

That prize is mine.

The sandstone I was gonna use
is too heavy,

so I'm switching to a lighter medium.

Toast.

It looks like stones,
but it's light and easy to move.

Ring, ring, ring! Uh, hello?

Creativity Monthly? Why, yes,
I will be on your cover!

Click!

"Toast"? You can't build
a set out of toast.

Not the time to ask for details
from the weirdos.

Is what I would say on opposite day.

Toast is great.

Go toast! Bye.

Hey, where are you two going?

It's time to "puzz" it up,

and I'm down a finger!

Spencer will help you.

- (MOUTHS)
- He's the best at puzzles.

Isn't that right, Harper?

He's the best at nothing.

Yeah, I already got
one of Freddie's weird eyes.

I found his cowlick!
I found his cowlick!

After Millicent's father passed away,

I never thought I'd meet someone
who loved her as much as me.

Mmm, "as much as I do".

I see why you divorced me.

Well... now it's time

for me to divorce somebody else.

Wait, that came out weird.

Uh... I'm seeing someone.

No!

I'm just kidding.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Honestly, I'm-I'm happy for you.

Thanks.

[WHISPERS] It's working.

We both knew this was bound to happen.

We knew, too, we knew, too.

- The only part I'm worried about is Millicent.
- Mm.

Maybe this is just too much for her.

I wish I had a way to know
how she's gonna react.

Well, should we go talk
to her right now?

No, I need to gauge her moods
over the next week.

Maybe even over the next year.

Aw, you're such a planner.

This is why I fell in love with you.

Me thinks I can speed
this process along.

I must away.

♪ ♪

Hey, guys.

Harper, I thought
you'd be wearing a costume.

I know you love a Ren fair wench moment.

Hmm. Mrs. Decker said it would
"steal focus from the children".

Because my costumes are too good.

Really? She didn't say anything
about my sets.

- Aw.
- 'Cause she was speechless!

Okay, I'm gonna go find our little star.

- Who?
- Who?

Millicent.

The entire reason we're all here.

- Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, that's why I'm here.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, program, Mrs. Benson?

Inside is a QR code
you can scan with your phone

to vote for which aspect
of the show you like the best...

the sets or the costumes!

But why wait till after the show
to fill it out?

Just turn down your phone's brightness

and do it during the boring parts.

My flip phone doesn't have
brightness or a camera.

Now hand me my program,
I like to plan my pee breaks.

Mr. Spencer, we have
a problem with the set.

Apparently it's...
[WHISPERS]: falling apart.

- [EXCLAIMS]
- I'm not surprised your sets are crummy.

'Cause they're toast. [LAUGHS]

Oh, are you playing a court jester?

'Cause this is serious!

Don't worry. I'll fix it.

I'm gonna need some peanut butter, stat!

To stick the toast together?

I was just hungry,
but that's a great idea!

Move it!

Ah, there you are.

I can't believe you're gonna do
a grand romantic gesture

after your scene.

Do you want to run through
what you're gonna say?

Oh, sure, I'll say something like,

"Thank you for that thunderous applause.

A standing O? That's unexpected".

Okay, rein it in, Meryl.

Get to the part about your parents.

Oh, right.

"This scene was dedicated
to two star-crossed lovers.

My loving parents Freddie and Gwen.

You've managed to do what
Romeo and Juliet never could.

I'm so happy you two are getting
back together".

Wow.

That is really effective.

You know what, bring it in, little sis.

Don't push it.

- So I was thinking.
- Hmm?

Sea turtles never worry about
telling their kids anything.

They just bury their eggs in
the sand and run away forever.

You think that could work
in this situation?

- Probably.
- Okay.

Hey, Freddie. Gwen.

What are you guys talking about?

We're trying to figure out how
to have a talk with Millicent.

Oh, really?

What's the topic of conversation?

Well, it's kind of personal, but...

I already know what it is.
Are you proud of me?

I'm proud of me.

Wait, you know about Ernie?

Wait, what?

Who's Ernie?

He's Gwen's new boyfriend.

And don't worry about it,
Carly, I'm fine.

She told me about him over dinner.

You have a boyfriend
and you didn't tell me?

But we're friends.

Whoa! Wait, hold up.

You guys are friends?

Since when?

Since always.

I just didn't want
to hurt your feelings.

Why would I be hurt?

Remember a few months ago

when I told you I was visiting
my dad in Italy?

- Yeah.
- Zanzibar.

(GASPS)

Did she let you swim with the turtles?

Ate right out of my hand.

Oh!

Yeah, okay... this hurts.

Wait, if you're dating
some guy named Ernie,

then why was Freddie's picture
in your locket?

It's a present for Millicent
to help break the news.

I put pictures of Freddie and me in it,

so she'd always have both of us
close to her heart.

Oh, my God, Millicent! I-I got to go.

Excuse me. Sorry!

- Excuse me.
- [MUSIC PLAYING]

Hear ye, hear ye and welcome.

Our first scene is in fair Verona.

If your child has a peanut allergy,

please avoid this area

or there will be much ado
about anaphylactic shock.

And now Romeo and Juliet.

[APPLAUSE]

O Romeo!

Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

What's in a name?

That which we call a rose
by any other name

would smell as sweet...

Psst!

Don't do it!

At the end!

Romeo, doff thy name,

and for that name
which is no part of thee,

take all myself.

Oh, no. This can't be good.

Shh!

My granddaughter is acting.

Hear ye, hear ye!

I cometh from the future.

That is

why forth I hath this strange outfit.

Uh-huh. Thou art not

the man I was expecting.

I bring news, my fairest Juliet.

You know that plan-eth

thou haveth when thy scene is doneth?

Don't do it... eth.

[MILLICENT]: Just tell me
what news thou hast for me,

annoying traveler!

Your mom and Freddie aren't
getting back together.

- Wha... ?
- What?

Ooh!

Uh, five-second rule.

Oh, okay, we're going

to take a short intermission.

[WHISPERS]: Close the curtains,
close the curtains.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

I can't believe nobody voted
in our QR poll.

Yeah.

'Cause the QR code you made
is just a link

to the IHOP menu!

I want that prize!

I'm not supposed to say
anything, but Millicent told me

it's a companion falcon
for my main man Jericho.

What?! She told me it was

the Alexander McQueen
armadillo boots Lady Gaga wore

in her groundbreaking
music video "Bad Romance".

Just spitballing here,
but you don't think Millicent

just made up the prize,
knowing how competitive we get,

so that we'd drop everything
and do stuff

for her children's drama club, do you?

- No.
- Nah.

- Actually, that totally checks out.
- Yeah.

Mr. Spencer,

Ms. Harper, the principal
would like to see you.

- Oh, no, we're in trouble.
- You're in trouble.

- I bet you I'm gonna get those boots!
- No, no, no.

I love it. Thank you.

You sure you're not upset that
we're not getting back together?

A little. I mean...

who wouldn't want
their family back together?

See, that's the thing...
we may not live together,

but we're still a family
and we're always gonna be.

I do like having
two Christmases and birthdays.

Wait.

If both of you marry other people,

then get divorced again, would that mean

that I get four Christmases
and birthdays?

(FREDDIE AND GWEN LAUGH)

Is there a reality show
that can speed this up?

Looks like all of Millicent's scheming

that I had very little to do
with was worth it.

Carly, there you are.

I had so much fun at our sleepover

that I don't think I can sleep tonight,

not without another long hang.

Just us chicas.

I'll be by later with my first aid kit

and some homemade dental floss.

See you then.

- ♪ We're winners ♪
- ♪ Winners ♪

- [SPENCER]: ♪ Winners. ♪
- What's with the blue ribbons?

Oh, it's a participation ribbon.

Everybody gets one.

Including me.

That's it? That's the prize?

It's a public school.
There's no budget for prizes.

I'm shocked there was even a play.

These ribbons weren't
the only prize, Fredd-o.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm not sure how it happened,

but Harper and I have been appointed

co-chairs of the PTA.

Yeah!

The Parent Teacher Association?

- Yeah!
- Yep!

For parents and teachers.

- [GRUNTS]
- Right?

Of which you are neither.

- You got it! [LAUGHS]
- [GRUNTS]

Amazing!

The school was desperate.
No one else volunteered.

Ms. Carly? The principal would
like to see you next.

Oh, of course, Olive.

Did I get a cool blue ribbon, too?

No. You ruined the play.

You're in big trouble, young lady.

[ALL OOHING]