05x05 - Full Moon Rising

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Wonder Years". Aired: January 1988 to May 1993.*
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05x05 - Full Moon Rising

Post by bunniefuu »

Hit your lights!

[Engine turns over]

-Adolescence is kind
of a screwy time...

[Engine revs]

A time of hope and confusion.

[Tires screech]

It's a race to find out
who you really are.

But if there's one thing every
teenager knows, it's this...

Stated simply...

If you want to be a star...

[Tires screech]

You got to have a car.

-[Screams]

-♪ What would you do
if I sang out of tune? ♪

♪ Would you stand up
and walk out on me? ♪

♪ Lend me your ears,
and I'll sing you a song ♪

♪ I will try not to
sing out of key, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, baby, I get by ♪
- ♪ by with a little help
from my friends ♪

-♪ All I need is my buddies ♪

-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ I'm sayin' I'm gonna get higher ♪ - ♪
try with a little help from my friends ♪

-♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa ♪

-♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

-♪ Somebody who
knows quite sure ♪

♪ Baby ♪

-♪ By with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ Said I'm gonna make
it with my friends ♪

-♪ Try with a little
help from my friends ♪

-♪ Oh, I'm gonna
keep on trying ♪

-♪ High with a little
help from my friends ♪

♪ I'm gonna keep on
trying now, baby ♪

-♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

-♪ Little gto ♪

♪ You're really looking fine ♪

-Cars... The ultimate dream of
every red-blooded american kid.

Cars meant freedom,
status, maturity.

If you were old enough to drive,

The world was your oyster.

But if you weren't...

Your world was
more of a sardine,

To really stretch an analogy.

-Excuse me, can you
move your... Instrument?

-Without wheels, life was
one indignity after another...

-This bus smells like lunch.

-Tell me about it.

-Ooh, I think I'll stick
around here for awhile.

- A series of humiliations.

-Will you move? Can't
take you anywhere.

-And faced with these
constant embarrassments,

You look for any small
way to elevate your status.

-So, what are you guys
doing this weekend?

-What about you?

-I got a date friday night.

-All right, kevin!

-The trick was to keep
your friends jealous.

-So, uh, how you,
uh, getting there?

-My mom's driving us.

[Both laugh]

-Whoa. Walk on the wild side.

-Yeah. Tell your mom not to
look in the rear-view mirror.

[Both laugh]

-Fact was, we all
knew the bottom line...

To be truly free and
functioning high school men,

What we needed... Was a car.

-Okay, you're coming
up to a four-way stop.

-What we had was
ricky halsenbach,

The first kid in our
class to turn 16.

-Four-way stop. I'm there.

-All cars arrive
at the same time.

-Same time. I'm there.

-Now... Which car
has the right-of-way?

["Jeopardy!" Theme plays]

[Music stops]

-[Chuckles] I don't know!

-[Scoffs] the car on your right!

-By quirk of fate,

And the fact that he'd
repeated 3rd grade twice,

Our ticket to ride was riding
on his ill-equipped shoulders.

-We know you can do it, ricky.

-[Scoffs]

-I can't do it!

I just got too much
stuff going on in my head.

- Interesting theory.
- [Chuckles]

-Look, ricky, if you
get your license,

You won't ever have
to beg for a ride again.

-We'll be the coolest
guys in 10th grade!

-Yeah, the chicks will
be climbing all over us!

-[Chuckles]

Ask me another one.

-Okay.

You're going 40 miles an hour.

How many car lengths
should you allow

Between you and the
car in front of you?

-Whoa.

Huh. That's a good question.

[Buzzer sounds]

-It was almost too much to bear.

[Gears grinding]

Here we were,

Poised to leap into the
stratosphere of manhood...

-Sorry.

[Tires screech]

- And we couldn't even
get out of the parking lot.

-Huh. S-sorry.

-Is this as bad as it looks?

-Well, I think he's k*lled every
one of those orange cones.

-Well, he's still got a chance.

I got him at about an 81.

-Sorry!

-All right, mr. Halsenbach.

-Oh, you can call me ricky.

-Just give me a three-point
turn, and we're done.

[Gears grinding]

-This much seemed clear...

When it came to hitching
our wagon to a star...

We'd picked the wrong wagon.

-Uh. Uh, sorry.

-Man! This is an embarrassment!

-Unbelievable!

-We stood there,
knowing it was a lost cause

But clinging desperately
to some hope for a miracle.

-There you are, mr. Halsenbach.

-And then... The
miracle occurred.

[Beethoven's
"symphony no. 9" Plays]

- Yes!
- Yes!
- Yes!

- Yes!
- Yes!
- Yes!

-Yeah!

-Call it chance, call it error.

The state had entrusted
ricky halsenbach

With a 2-ton lethal
w*apon on an open highway.

And we... Were on our way.

-And did you see my
three-point turn?

-Yeah, they're still
talking about it!

-Ow!

-Sure, maybe we
were still sardines,

But at least we knew we were
about to bust out of our can.

- Looks like... We're cruising for chicks.
- Yeah.

- We can go anywhere we want.
- Yeah!

-And everybody's gonna see us!

-Especially the chicks.

-And there you had it.

Rising up before us was
the dawn of a new era...

[Theme from
"hawaii five-o" plays]

An era of freedom...

An era of adventure...

An era of fun.

-And my mom said I can
have the car friday night!

[Crash!]

-An era of bad timing.

-Friday night?
This friday night?

-What's wrong?

-I told you! I have a date!

-Look, you can have a
date any friday night.

-What am I supposed
to do about cindy?

-Easy. Dump her.

-I can't do that!

-Kevin, this is everything
we've ever dreamed of!

We're talking us,
the guys, in a car!

Don't you get it? This is cool.

-And of course, faced
with logic of that caliber,

There was really
only one thing to do.

-Your grandmother?

-Lie.

-Uh, yeah. I'm such an idiot.

I completely forgot
she was coming to visit.

-Oh. Well...

-You know, she hasn't been well.

S-she's got this
bad, uh... Liver!

-Oh.

-And... And so her...

You know, her... Liver
has been acting up.

-Maybe it was
because I was nervous,

Or maybe it was because
I was dissecting a frog,

But the word "liver"
seemed to pop up frequently.

-Anyway, my mother wants
us all home friday night

To be with my
grandmother and her... Liver.

-Maybe I could
take a rain check?

-Sure! That'd be great!

-Great!

-There. Artfully done.

Now there was nothing
standing between me, the guys,

And the open road.

-Where are you going?

-Nothing except a little
game of 20 questions.

-We haven't decided yet.

-Well, who's driving, honey?

-No one.

Well... Ricky halsenbach.

-Oh, yeah.

I know him.

-Right! You know ricky.

-He's that dopey-looking
kid. He's an idiot.

-Jack.

-Come on, dad, he's
a very good driver.

-I don't know about this.

[Thud, metal scraping]

-He did really well
on his driver's test.

You should see this
guy parallel park.

-Jack, we have to go.

Just don't forget your
curfew's at 11:00, honey.

-I won't.

Have a nice night!

[Horn honks]

-And so the last
obstacle had been cleared.

It was time to hit the road in
our very own set of wheels.

-Let's do it!

-Sure, maybe the wheels
belonged to ricky's mother,

But the night belonged to us.

And the possibilities
seemed endless...

[Metal rattling]

-What's that smell?

- As soon as ricky
released the parking brake.

-So, uh, where we going?

-What do you mean,
"where are we going"?

-Well, what? Does it matter?

-Well, we ought to go somewhere.

-Why?

-Hey, how about a movie?

-Come on. That is
definitely uncool.

-It is?

-Nobody's gonna
see us at a movie.

-Look, ricky, the whole
point of driving around is...

Driving around.

-I know. Hey, but have
you guys seen "willard"?

I don't know how they get
those rats to do those things.

-It was our first crisis.

We were momentarily floundering,

Like baby eagles freshly
sprung from the nest.

What we needed here was a sign,

Inspiration, direction.

[Engine revving]

-Whoa.

Nice wheels!

- Hey.
- Hey.

-Hey.

-What we got was...

- Moon patrol!
- Moon patrol!
- Moon patrol!

[Laughter]

[Violins screeching]

[Tires screech]

- Pressed hams.

[Wolf howls]

-♪ Little gto ♪

-That night, as we drove around,

We began to understand
the awesome responsibility

Of having a car.
- Chinese fire drill!

[Horn honking]

-♪ Listen to her whi-i-i-ne ♪

♪ Come on and turn it on,
wind it up, blow it out, gto ♪

-We were exploring
the uncharted regions

Of our new frontier...

[Horn honks]

And laying on the horn a lot.

Still, we knew we were
preparing ourselves

For something much,
much more meaningful.

-Come on, guys. Let's
go pick up some chicks!

- Yeah, chicks!
- Women!

-Chicks... The reason
god invented cars.

-So, where are they?

- Man, they're everywhere.
- Yeah!

Just waiting to jump on
us, grab us, smother us.

-It was an awesome thought.

-So, where are they?

-Hmm. Good question.

Fortunately, there
was an answer... Zesty's,

The place to go for
burgers, fries, and...

-Whoa! Check out the hooters!

-Man, can't take you anywhere.

-Still, the fact remained,

If it was girls we
were looking for...

-Okay, we found 'em.

-Well, now what do we do?

-Hmm. Good question.

-Four chocolate
shakes, two onion rings,

Two fries, and extra ketchup.

-And there was
nothing left to do

But stand around, look
good, and get noticed.

-Kevin?

Hi!

-Cindy?

-What are you doing here?

-Uh...

-Somehow, I had a feeling

"Checking out the
hooters" wasn't gonna fly.

-Getting shakes.

See, here they are.

-Oh.

Is your grandmother here?

-My grandmother?

-Yeah.

-Liver!

-Oh! No. She's back
at home because of...

- Liver!
- Her liver.

Yeah, I'm... I'm just...
Here with my cousins.

And we have to get
back with the shakes.

Look, they're melting, see?

-Well, if you're with relatives,

Uh... I guess I'll
see you on monday?

-Uh... Yeah! Monday!

-After all, no reason to dally.

-See ya later.

-The best thing
to do was amscray

Before she discovered
who my cousins...

-Hey, hey, hey, ba-by!

- Really were.

-Hey, kevin? Who's the fox?

Ow!
- Introduce us, man!

-Yeah. Come bring her
over here! We got room!

-She didn't actually
say anything.


Her face did all the talking.

-Looking good!

-It said my rain check had
been revoked. Permanently.

-Let's get out of here!

-What's the matter with you?

-Nothing! Just let's
get out of here!

Open the door, will ya?

-Hey, where's my corn dog?

-Yeah, and you only got
two orders of onion rings.

-Will you just open
the stupid door?!

- Kev!
- Here!

-You're getting the
shakes all over me, man!

-Good. Now, come
on, ricky, drive.

[Car door shuts]

[Engine turns over]

-Sheesh. What a grouch.

-The night was still young,

But somehow this
adventure wasn't panning out

Quite the way we'd imagined.

Not only that, our car
was starting to smell.

-Just 10 more minutes, and I
could have had any girl there.

-Just when did you
lose touch with reality?

-Did you see the way they
were looking at me, huh?

-They couldn't
believe your shirt!

-Will you guys just
can it for awhile?

- What's eating you?
- Nothing!

I just can't believe I broke
a date for this, that's all.

-Surely these guys
could understand that.

After all, they were reasonably
intelligent human beings.

-You guys ever wonder how
onion rings got their name?

-On the other hand...

-No.

-I mean, I think about
that stuff sometimes.

And what about hamburgers?

I mean, there's no
ham in them, you know?

What about submarine
sandwiches? And eggplant?

-Just think about your driving.

-Let's face it... On the
main street of life,

We'd just about
reached a dead end.

And then...

-Hey, look! There's those guys!

-Uh-oh. I hope they
don't moon us again.

Hey! Hey, we don't
want to see it!

[Engine revs]

-But it seemed clear there
was more at stake here

Than just pressed hams.

-What does he want?

[Engine revving]
- he wants to drag.

-Drag?

[Engine revs]

- Do it, ricky.
- But my mom said...

-Come on, man, just do it!

You're on!

-Let's do it!
[Engine revs]

-And that's when it happened.

As we sat there, the roar
of a 185-horsepower engine

Pulsing beneath our bodies,

Our basic primal
nature began to erupt.

-Let's take 'em, ricky.

-I'm there.

-We weren't boys anymore.

We were outlaws, rebels,

Guys with guts.

And we knew what we had to do.

[Tires screech]

-What are you doing?!

-There's a stop sign.

-Will you go?! We
can still take 'em!

-But it's a commercial
zone. 35 Miles per hour.

Those guys were speeding!

-Of course they were speeding!
This is a drag race! Now go!

-Fortunately, our driver
was a law-abiding citizen.

-Oh, no.
[Horn honks]

Four cars, four-way stop.

-Will you guys just get
real? This race is over.

-Yeah, thanks to halsenbach.

I don't even know why the hell
we're hanging around with you!

-Hey, 'cause it's my car!

-Yeah, that's the only
reason we'd be hanging out

With a bozo like you.
- Hey, you're the bozo.

-I'm the bozo? You're the bozo.

- No, I'm not!
- You're both bozos!

-You're all bozos!

You're the biggest bozo!

You can't even drive!
- You're a bozo.

What do you mean, "it's
a four-way stop sign"?!

-We were reaching
critical mass, here.

Our night was wearing thin.

So was our vocabulary.

[All shouting]

[Horn honks]

- Wussies!
- Wussies!
- Wussies!

-It was the final straw.

If we were to hold
on to our dignity,

We had to strike back.

-Let's moon somebody.

[Fanfare plays]
- yeah. Good idea.

-Perfect.

-All right!

-It was time to take
our rightful place

Among men of the road.

We were gonna take revenge

On the first victim
that came our way.

-All right! Do it! Do it!

- Just one little problem.
- Whoa!

- Moon patrol!
- [Laughs]

[Violins screeching]

[Laughter]

-Did you see that guy's face?!

-Well, my eyes weren't
looking in the direction!

-Man, he was having a cow!

-And his wife was like, "uh!"

-Will you guys just shut up?!

-What's your problem?

-Well, for starters,
that was my mom and dad.

-It was?

-Yeah. You guys just
mooned my parents.

-You're kidding.

-Hey, we all wanted to do it.

-Yeah, but it was you

Who had your butt
hanging out the window!

-Oh, come on. Like how
was I supposed to know?

-See, this is great.
This is just great.

You know it's real great hanging
out with a bunch of morons!

You know where that
word comes from, ricky!

I mean, this is the stupidest,
dumbest night of my life!

I mean, I don't even know

Why I agreed to come with
you guys in the first place.

Can anyone tell me why?!

-It was the kind of question
that could only be answered

By a nobel prize-winning
philosopher.

-I know!

-Or a guy like ricky halsenbach.

-It's because they're
round, like rings!

And they've got onions in them.

That's why they
call 'em onion rings!

- What?
- What?

-Looking back, it made
about as much sense

As anything else that night.

-Let's just go home, guys.

-Yeah, let's get out of here.

-Why not? We were
veterans. We'd paid our dues.

We'd mooned and
been mooned. And now...

[Engine sputters, stops]
- uh-oh.

-What's the matter?

-We're out of gas.

-Hey, can you guys
believe tonight?

- The worst.
- Yeah, no kidding.

-We didn't really accomplish
anything that night.

Nothing of any real
importance, anyway.

But through the high
school years that lay ahead,

There would be a thousand
other nights just like that one...

Stupid, ridiculous...

And glorious.

-Hey, I can get the
car again, next friday.

- I'm there.
- Me too. Wouldn't miss it.

-♪ Little gto ♪

♪ You're really lookin' fine ♪

♪ Three deuces and a
four-speed and a 389 ♪

♪ Listen to her tachin' up now ♪

♪ Listen to her whi-i-i-ne ♪

♪ Come on and turn it on,
wind it up, blow it out, gto ♪
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