04x14 - The Fifth Wheel

[bunniefuu]

( Jazz music playing )

Oh, Ma, remember this?

"June, th. Dear Diary,"

"My prom's tomorrow night"

"And still no word
from David Soul."

Hope I don't wind up
with some loser.

June, th.

"Val and I decide not to get
each other corsages."

Ma, you know, you're eating
butter right out of the tub.

That's right.

It's the bread
that puts the weight on.

It's my new diet.
See?

Ice cream, no cone.

Cheesecake, no crust.

Stick, no Dove Bar.

Sweetheart, what do you want

with all these old
diaries anyway?

Well, actually,

my therapist said that
I should get to the root

of the problems that plague me
so naturally, I came to see you.

Thanks.

But I don't even know
what your problem is.

Over , not married.

You know, my therapist
is making me realize

that I don't need to be married

to feel good about myself.

That's nice.

Why don't you book an
appointment on New Year's Eve,

when you're alone?

( Sighs ) You know, Ma,

finding a man is your dream for
me, but it isn't mine anymore.

Dr. Miller says that I should go

out of the house
without makeup on.

And I should even tell
people my real age.

What else does
this genius have to say?

I don't know,
I blacked out after that.

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell
makeup, but father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪

♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She is the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪

I can't believe you told your
mother you were giving up men.

What did she do?

Well, she tried to swallow
a whole rotisserie chicken

in her mouth like a python.

Maybe you should've told her
when she wasn't eating.

( Scoffs )

You try and catch
lightning in a bottle.

No, no, no, don't mind me.

Uh,
I just seem to have misplaced

something I needed rather badly.

- Oh?
- What does it look like, sir?

Well, it's a large, gray,

overstuffed butler!

I asked for these an hour ago.
You're fired.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

I should've been more
attentive to my duty.

I don't know how you've put
up with... Oh, bite me.

Oh, I've got to hurry home
and get on the internet.

I have met the most fabulous
man online.

Oh, what's his name?

I don't know.
We go by screen names.

His is Porsche Puppy.

You're Good 'n' Plenty?

I am so embarrassed.

The things I said.

The things he said...

You know, he's got quite
a vocabulary for a -year-old.

Oh, cheer up.

You should be happy someone's

still interested in those
old floppy disks.

Oh, poor Miss Babcock.

You must feel like
the biggest loser

in the world right now.

Why don't you come out
with me and Val tonight?

We'll change all that.

Nanny Fine, give me one good
reason I should go out with you.

'Cause you just
broke up with a guy

that still sees a pediatrician.

Yep.

I got one.

You need a man
to hook up speakers.

Oh, that's a good one.

Putting together bookshelves
from Home Depot.

Oh, yeah.

Helping with
the shopping and cooking.

Doing heavy laundry.

I'm sorry.
I just know from Jewish men.

You know,
coming here was a great idea.

You're a lot smarter
than you look, Nanny Fine.

Well, I should hope so.

Look at those men over
there staring at us smoke.

It's not very feminine.

I wonder why it turns
them on so much.

- Hi.
- Oh.

If you don't mind, we're
having a girl's night only.

Who you interested in?

Her.

Yeah, girls night only, bub.

It's too bad 'cause I saw you
from across the room and

- I was gonna...
- Catch you later.

( Chuckling )

What's so funny?

Oh, I just remembered
something Porsche Puppy said.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm leaving now,
as per your f*ring me.

Just save your apologies.
I can take this abuse no longer.

Just bring my bloody lunch in.

Good to be back, sir.

Where's Miss Fine?

She's out with Miss Babcock.

You know, our two single,
independent women.

When you sent
Miss Fine to therapy,

you never thought how
it would affect me.

Miss Babcock should be here.

She's my home
entertainment center.

Niles, can you get me a drink?

Happy hour doesn't start
till you go home.

See?
It just doesn't work with her.

Look, will you stop complaining?

Miss Fine giving up
men is a godsend.

But, sir, you're a man, despite
the way you dribble a ball

and those bath beads
you like so much.

This is not about me.

Miss Fine giving up her urge
to be in a relationship

is the best thing for her.

No more rushing into romances.

No more getting her
poor heart broken.

No more nudging you
to make a commitment.

Yeah, I know.
Isn't it wonderful?

The best part of it is,
it's all the doctor's idea.

There's no way
I can be blamed for this.

I blame you for this!

I don't know
who the bigger nut is.

That shrink for
telling her she doesn't need

to get married or
you for paying for it!

Tell her that you can't
afford it, that you're broke.

Well, she'll never believe that.
He's worth millions.

Have you ever
thought of investing

in a bagel nosh in Boca?

I know a couple
that could run it for you.

Sylvia, look.

Your daughter has re-evaluated
her goals in life

and we're just gonna
have to support her.

Why?
She doesn't support my goals,

that she get married,
have children,

see her picture in this frame.

That's my family.

Hello.

I am so upset.

I don't know whether
this is Muenster or jack.

Sylvia.
Sylvia, listen to me.

You're going to have
to give your daughter room

to grow or you're going
to risk alienating her.

How could I be so stupid?

This is cheddar with
port wine marbling.

Okay, one question,
little buddy.

Do you think this
leather jacket is a little

too come-hither for a gay club?

Well, personally,
I have problems

with tall blond Aryans
in leather jackets.

What makes you
think the place is a gay club?

Well, I heard your mother scream
at you for pursuing

a sick alternative lifestyle.

Oh, she just meant being single.

Oh, do you have to know
every bloody thing

that's going on in this house?

You're like a fishwife.

Okay, Dad.

They're going
to a blues bar with Val.

C.C.'s treating to a cab.

Now, the boots that I want
are on hold at Bergdorf's.

You know, if we change our hair
appointments to the same day,

we can talk under the dryers.

You know what, Nanny Fine?

I'm not even gonna
take my purse.

I don't need my perfume
or my makeup.

I'm not primping for a man.

You know what?
I don't need my purse, either.

Let's go.

Oh, you know what?
Wait a minute.

I-I just need one thing in here.

Just one minute here.

I gotta have this,
and oy, my credit card,

let me just take that.

I need a couple more things.

I can't really live
without that.

You know what? I-I can't do this.
I can't do it.

Nah, I'm not ready for this yet,
that's all.

- ( Doorbell rings )
- Oh, I'll get it!

- Hi.
- Hi.

Listen,
I can't go out with you tonight

and celebrate
that we don't need men.

- Why?
- 'Cause I got one.

Oh, hi.
Well, have fun.

Well, looks like it's just
you and me, Miss Babcock.

- More no men for us.
- Yeah.

Chandler,
what are you doing here?

I just stopped by
to drop off these contracts.

All right, that's a lie.

I own three Broadway theaters.

I don't need to deliver
my own contracts.

I just wanted to catch
one more glimpse

of that smooth white skin.

Oh.
Well, Maxwell's English.

You know,
they all have that milky...

Who, me?

I know this is kind
of last minute,

but do you think you could
join me for dinner tonight?

Well, Chandler,

it's : on a Saturday night.

Yes.

Well, good night
and thank you very much.

Boy, I hope she's not planning
on getting lucky tonight.

- Why not?
- 'Cause she took my purse,

and the only protection I got
in there is a picture of ma.

Okay, how about this one?

You win the lottery,
get struck by lightning,

and you're invited to the White
House by President Perot.

Nope, nope.

The odds of Val and Miss Babcock

both having
boyfriends is still higher.

( Niles sighs )

I suppose we should be
happy for them.

- But who is?
- Oh, screw 'em.

You know, they're going out
on a double date tonight.

They asked me to join them,
but, uh,

I don't want to
be a fifth wheel.

Oh, if I were you, I would go.

- Really?
- Of course.

Remember,
when a tire goes out on a car,

they need that fifth wheel.

What's that mean?

I don't know. I'm depressed
about Miss Babcock.

I've been in the brandy.

Oh, what is wrong with me?

I can hold my own without a man.

I'm an independent,
self-sufficient woman.

You know what?
I am gonna march myself

right down there
and order me a lobster.

A lobster?

I'll bat my eyes a few times,
the boys will pick up the check.

Oh, where's Miss Fine?

She's stepping out with my baby.

Oh.

Well, I was going
to cheer her up.

I made reservations for the two
of us at La Cote Basque.

Mmm.

Oh, never mind.

What are you doing tonight?

Oh, nothing, sir.
Free as a bird.

Oh, good. Cancel my reservations
and make me a duck.

Now, before we dig in,

I just want to say
this evening is on me.

Oh, no, no, no. Say something.

Can I order the really
big shrimp?

Why don't I choose a wine?

Hi!

But not that one.

Hi.

We were beginning to hope...
Think you wouldn't come.

I'll just sit on the side here.

Just move over
just a little bit.

I don't take up a lot of room.

I don't know why we haven't
done this before, Miss Babcock.

Me, neither, Val. Salut.

Oh.

That's why.

Mmm.

Good garlic toast.

Next time we all
go out together,

we should try the
Chinese restaurant next door.

That's the real McCoy.

Full of Jews.

Oh, the cheese is
just a little clumpy.

Maybe we should
order our entrees.

Good. That's a good idea.
Yeah, let's order.

Wait. Uh, someone must
be sitting on my menu.

Oh? Where?

Oh! No, no! Oh!

Oh! Fran!

- Are you all right?
- Yes. Okay.

Yeah, I'm okay.
I'm fine, I'm fine.

Go back to your calamari.
Nothing to see here.

Why don't I sit on the end,
shall I?

Oh, okay.

Thanks. Thank you. Thanks.

How embarrassing.

Okay. here we go.

All right.

Now, let's see.

Hmm. "Dinner for two."

Chateaubriand for two."

That's for two.

What is this,
a restaurant or an ark?

You know, Fran, I think that guy
over there is flirting with you.

Look, he's waving,
he's pointing.

Oh, Val, I so don't care.

Why does a man think just
because a woman is alone

that she instantly
wants a companion?

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

- Excuse me.
- Uh, yes?

There's a candle behind you,
and I think your hair's on fire.

( Loud gasp )

Oh! Okay. All right.

Okay. Okay.
Everything's okay.

Stop hitting me, Val!

Okay.

You know, I think this
garlic bread's b*rned.

It's got smoked cheese
or something.

Oh, right, right.

I just thought it was hot
because I'm sitting next to you.

( Giggling )
Oh, stop!

( Whistling )

Maximum capacity .

Mmm.

( Rock music playing )

Care to dance, hmm?

I would.

How about it, Val?
Would you like to dance?

Well, I don't want to leave Fran
sitting here all by herself.

Oh, no. It's okay, honey.
Go ahead, have fun.

All right.

You know what?
I-I could dance by myself.

Yeah! Sure!

Exactly what I'm gonna do.

♪ Would I lie
to you, honey? ♪

♪ No no no ♪

♪ Now would I say something
that wasn't true? ♪

♪ I'm asking you sugar
would I lie to you? ♪

( music fades away )

( slow dance song playing )

♪ And I'd do anything for you ♪

♪ In spite of it all ♪

♪ I've learned so
much from you ♪

♪ You made me strong ♪

♪ But don't you ever think
that I don't love you ♪

♪ That for one
minute I forgot you ♪

♪ But sometimes things
don't work out right ♪

♪ And you just have
to say goodbye ♪

- Oh.
- Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

That's all right.

We're staying
at the Airport Hilton.

I mean,
what do we really know about

this Chandler fellow
Miss Babcock's so fond of?

Hmm. Where did that psychiatrist
get his degree?

That's what I'd like to know.

- Gin.
- Hmm.

I mean, what kind of an imbecile
encourages a single woman

to go out with two couples like
some kind of a fifth wheel?

Yes, it's... it's madness, sir.

I sent her to that psychiatrist
to stop this dating lunacy

and get her to spend
more time here with me.

Uh, the children, you know.

- Yeah. Gin.
- Oh.

It's time you went
to bed now, Brighton.

Okay, well,
here's what you guys owe me.

He's a good card player.

Well, he learned it from me.

Well, good night, sir.

Yeah, good night.
Oh, listen, Niles.

I was thinking,
tomorrow is Saturday.

Do you have any plans?

Why?

You want me to move
the piano upstairs?

Snake the drains
in all the bathrooms?

Well, actually,
I was going to ask you

to join me at the club
for brunch,

but if you're gonna have
that attitude,

you can just stay home and
heat yourself a pita pocket.

Oh, bye!

Yeah. No, no, no.
I can't tomorrow!

Aw, go home, you zanies!

Oh, those four, just party,
party, party, but,

you know,
I gotta get up in the morning.

So, uh, you had a good time,
eh, Miss Fine?

Need you ask?

Does this look like the face of
a person that had a bad time?

I had a fabulous time.

Why do you think I've been
out half the night?

Well, Miss Fine, it's only : .

( Sobbing )
I had a horrible time.

Oh, Miss Fine, there, there.

You know, Miss Fine,
it's a very brave thing you did.

Just after Sarah d*ed when I had

to venture out on my own
for the first time,

just me and my butler
and my chauffeur.

Well... uh, the point is...

The point is, Miss Fine,

this independence takes time.

I'll tell you what.

Just for now,
why don't we practice being

on our own together?
Hmm?

On our own together?

- Mm-hmm.
- That could work.

- What are you playing?
- Uh, solitaire.

Can I play, too?

Well, actually, Miss Fine,
it's a game for one person...

Oh!

All right, go on. Have a go.

Oh, well, here's your
whole problem, mister.

You got a king over
here by himself,

and you got a queen over
there alone like a dog.

Put your queen on
top of your king

and watch what happens.

- Now over there.
- All right!

- Put that over there.
- Okay! Yes!

- All right!
- Okay.

Oh, now we're getting
some action! You see?

All right! And I'm done!

See how fast I finished?

And you wonder why you're
playing solitaire.

When I snap my fingers,

you will no longer try to fix
your daughter up with men,

you will no longer be obsessed
with her getting married.

And you'll have a burning desire
to move to Boca.

Fran!
I just had a fabulous idea!

It came to me in a dream.

What, Ma?

You'll get married in Boca!

All right, this session's on me.

( Jazz music playing )