04x20 - The Nanny and the Hunk Producer

[bunniefuu]

( Jazz music playing )

"Miracle soap washes away fat."

"Shower and shed pounds
at the same time."

Well, Ma,
that's perfect for you.

You can use a bar of Dove
to get rid of your Dove Bar.

Ladies.

Tell me what could be better

than my new play being nominated
for a Tony Award?

- Mmm.
- Your face on my grandchild.

No, no, seriously, Sylvia.

I've been nominated
for five Tonys.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm so...

- Am I coming, too?
- Of course.

Happy for you!

So, what is the play about?

- Uh, yeah.
- Oh, "The Widower."

Ah, well, it's about a man
who loses the love of his life

and vows never to love again.

So, he forgoes
any chance to remarry

and remains a widower
till the day he dies.

- Sounds very poignant.
- Hmm.

You need a house to fall on you?

Ma, it's a beautiful love story.

Not even the gorgeous governess
in the third act

could turn the widower's head.

I don't know
what happened after that.

I was sobbing too violently.

So, where are the children?

I sent Niles to tell them
I got five.

They're not coming down

until they know how many
Andrew Lloyd Webber got.

Oh, good Lord.

Do you even think
I'm that childish?

( Scoffs )

Two.

♪ I got five, he got two ♪

♪ I got five, he got two ♪

( Children cheering )

Maxwell, why are you in here?

Hugging children?

We've got to get out there
and turn it on for the judges.

Now what would I look
really great in?

A sealed mausoleum.

Kids, kids.
I'm so excited.

The Tonys get so many stars.

Kids: I know, yeah, right.

Too many nominations scare me.

Can you imagine
how embarrassing it would be

to be up for five awards
and not even win one?

You know, the next time

you kvetch about
my therapy bills,

would you remember this moment?

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪

♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪

♪ She was out
on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell
makeup, but father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪

♪ That's how she became
The Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now the father finds
her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are
actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She is the lady in red ♪

♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪

♪ The Nanny named Fran ♪

Fran, don't look,
but I think that's Liza

coming down the row
in front of us.

I probably shouldn't have
said that, huh?

Oh, hello, Miss Minnelli.

Willkommen, bienvenue.

- Welcome.
- Oh!

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry
that was terrible.

Here we go, one more time.

- Ooh!
- Okay, okay.

Keep movin', honey.
We can't see. Go ahead.

Miss Fine!

You know what?
I'm out of control.

Here, take the camera from me.

All right, now this is it.

If they start to sh**t our row,

I don't want anyone
making rabbit ears

behind anyone else's head,
all right?

Just behave yourselves.

When did I ever do that?

I wasn't speaking to you.

Oh, one time
at the Angela Lansbury Roast.

Would you let it go?

Okay, now.

You know, Andrew Lloyd Webber
won two awards,

you've won two awards.

And he's not up
for anything else,

so you're not gonna have to
hear his name mentioned again.

Man: Now, to present the
nominees for Best Play,

Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Webber:
The nominees are

"Saint Thomas",
Martin Brigg producer,

"Flight of the June Bird",
Marilyn Chang producer.

And "The Widower", Ma...
( clears throat )

Ma... ( coughs )

Pardon me, I'm so sorry.
( coughs )

Maxwell Sheffield,
you little twit!

Webber:
And the award goes to

"The Widower,"
Maxwell Sheffield, producer.

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

I co-produced.
I raised money.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What are you doing?
Get off me!

( Sighs )

Do you think you could
possibly manage a smile

for the reporters,

so they don't think my butler
is a criminal on work furlough?

Go like this.

Forgive me, sir.

But try to see your winning
an award from my point of view.

You say,
"Welcome to my party, Senator."

And I say,
"The little ones are cheese."

That's your job.
I pay you overtime, don't I?

- What more do you want?
- Look up.

You gather the whole family
around for photos backstage.

Then make me stand behind you,

and pull your jacket in
to give you a V shape.

Good Lord.

Crinkle your forehead.

Just for once, just once,

I wish you'd behave
like a normal butler.

What the hell are you doing?

Are you insane?

Would you trust me?

You've got that
whole pasty Hugh Grant,

"I need a week in Miami" look.

Maxwell, the reporters are here.

- Oh.
- Nanny Fine,

I need something
at your mother's house.

- Oh, what?
- You.

Oh!

Did you know

that we are booked through ' ?

That grieving widower speech
of yours was a gold mine.

C.C.,
I was speaking from the heart.

- Yeah, yeah.
- All those y...

Okay.

Handy wipe,
I want you to scoop some ashes

out of the fireplace
and put them in here.

We'll plop it on your desk
and say it's Sarah.

Always near you.
Yada, yada.

C.C.! I...

I will not pass off
Duraflame residue

as the mother of my children.

Maxwell, I never noticed

how long and luxurious
your lashes are.

Just... just send in
the reporters, would you?

All right, Niles.
How do I look?

Oh. You really should switch
to the waterproof.

Oh.
Just, knock it off.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please, come this way.

Maxwell, congratulations.
"The Widower" is a hit.

Do you think the play
has touched a lot of people

because it's a true story
of you and your wife?

Well, I think people like to see
a play they can relate to.

The widower
hasn't been with a woman

since the death of his wife.

Are you expecting us to
believe that's true of you?

A guy like you,
with those lashes?

Let... let's just say,

I think my memories
will last me a long time.

Are you telling me
you never plan to remarry?

Well, now, that depends.

Of course,
if the right woman were to...

Miss Fine!

Ignore her,
she is just the nanny.

Any of you have children?

Because we're letting her go.

- That's your nanny?
- Hi.

- I saw you at the Tonys.
- Uh-huh.

Nice.

So, you took
the whole household?

Hey, how about a picture?

Oh, I don't really think
it's appropriate.

Get me from the left, honey.

- Nanny Fine.
- What?

This is a press conference,

not Eva Peron
on the Rainbow Tour.

Oh.

This is Maxwell's moment.

Get out of my light.

Would you get undressed
and go to bed already?

I could still get a call.

It's past midnight.
The cast party is over.

He's not inviting you.

I don't know why not.

I was the inspiration
for the character of the butler.

He was
with a blonde pompadour

and an impish grin.

Well, so was I,

, Brillo Pads ago.

♪ Rum, pum pa-pa ♪

Hello, Niles.
You're going somewhere?

Oh, I thought I'd just trot over
to the cast party and clean up.

Oh, stop it.

You can do that in the morning.

Now, Miss Fine,
you did understand

this party was for
cast and crew only, right?

I mean, you weren't expecting
to be invited, were you?

No.

Margaret?

It's little late for you,
isn't it?

I'm home, okay?
So lay off me.

You're like the last person
I have to answer to.

Where did that come from?

You get back down here,
young lady.

- Margaret: No!
- ( door slams shut )

Well,
she's not going to get away

with speaking to me like that.

Oh, now.
Wait, wait.

Let her just calm down
a little bit.

What... what do you mean?
Her calm down? What about me?

Well, you're just gonna
have to deal with it.

Look, when I hit puberty
my mother was a size six.

When I hit , ( snaps fingers )

so did she.

Whatever could make
her leave the house

and then come back home

with a completely
different personality?

Hey, I don't even
wanna think about it.

Do you read those pamphlets
they send home from school?

Oh, so what do you think?

Alcohol?
Sex?

Not tonight!
I'm too distracted.

See, see, it's really
a typical adolescent reaction.

Someone else is in the limelight

and they lash out
to get attention.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Yes, I see, I see.

So... so what would you suggest?

Have you tried
one of those trophies

that says "Butler of the Year"?

Okay, I'm here.

Oh, I'm Dr. Miller.

Uh, please have a seat.

Ugh,
this is a total waste of time.

So, Margaret,

your family feels that
something's bothering you.

Well, honey, just feel free
to vent your feelings.

I mean, nobody's gonna
hold it against you.

Just tell us
what's on your mind.

Okay.
I hate him.

That's okay, that's okay.
Don't take it personal.

Just let her express.

I hate you, too.

Open a window!

Open a window, I cannot breathe!

Look, Margaret,
if I've hurt you,

I can't do anything about it

until I know what it is
I'm supposed to have done.

Well, fine.

Here.

( Both gasp )

"The Nanny
and the Hunk Producer"?

"Broadway's leading widower

keeps broad on the side
for years."

You and Fran had an affair
while mom was still alive.

You even cheated
on your honeymoon.

Look, the pictures prove it.

Margaret,
you can't believe this.

Sweetie, for this to be true,

do you know how old
I would have to be?

Yeah. .

( Gasps )

Oh, my God!

She's doing dr*gs too!

Well, the good news is

Brighton and Gracie
never even saw that story

- in the tabloids.
- Ah.

The bad news is I didn't
know that and I told them.

But the paper's credibility
was blown by the headline

"Neighbors scream
eyesore as Barbara Eden

moves into giant bottle."

Still, where they got these
photographs from my honeymoon?

I mean, who would
want to hurt me like this

- for a few thousand dollars?
- ( Fran tutting )

Good heavens.

You got your finger
caught in John Gielgud's fly.

Trust me, if I needed money,

I wouldn't have to
make something up.

He was King Lear,
I was his dresser.

Did I say a word?

I just wanna hit something.

I mean,
doesn't it drive you crazy?

People reading this stuff
and then believing it?

Look, they were accusing me
of having an affair

with a married millionaire.

In my old neighborhood,
that's a career goal.

All you have to do is,
worry about Maggie.

Why do you care about
the rest of the world?

Nobody but a mindless nutcase
would buy into this junk.

You were having an affair
with Mr. Sheffield

on his honeymoon?

And you're still getting
six bucks an hour?

( Knocking on door )

Who is it?

Grace: It's me.
I'm very upset. I need to talk.

Okay, I'm in, honey.
You can go.

Gracie!

Hey, I can't even get
a Happy Meal by myself.

She owns me.

God, Fran, I can't believe
you'd use a little girl

to get what you want.

And, it's not
as easy as it used to be.

She's much bigger
and less compelling.

Sweetie,
I gotta get you to understand...

I do understand.

I finally understand
why dad would hire a woman

off a resume
written in lipstick.

And she's still our nanny

even though,
like, two of us can drive.

Sweetie, these pictures
of your father and I

on the beach
are completely fake.

Prove it.

Look at this.

I'm wearing
Clinique ivory bisque base.

Not patented until , ha!

There's your smoking g*n,
sister.

Oh, Fran,
you're wasting your breath.

Oh, Maggie, I-I can't
believe you would actually think

I'm capable of
something like this.

I tell you, I-I'm so hurt, I...

I don't think
I could ever forgive you.

Well, Fran,
what do you expect me to think?

It's so obvious
dad is in love with you.

I forgive.

Oh, dad.
I'm sorry.

I believe you now.
Fran explained everything.

About how you told her
you loved her

and then took it back.

After, of course,

saying that she's the most
beautiful woman in the world

and that you can't live
another day without her.

Well, did you want your
daughter back or not?

Well, Maxwell, this is dreadful!

No, no, C.C.
It's all right.

The children understand
it's a lie.

Oh, Margaret was a little upset.

I don't give
a rat's butt about them.

Ticket sales came
to a screeching halt

because of this rag.

Hmm?

"Broadway's grieving widower
can't keep his pants on"?

( Gasps )

I look unbelievable
in this sh*t.

Oh, this is too much.

Does this journalist
have any idea

what he's doing
to people's lives?

I'm going right down there now.

Oh, and what are you gonna do?
Punch him out?

v*olence never solves anything.

Besides, what do you care
what the whole world thinks?

" -year-old nanny"?

I want his blood!

You!

How can you hurt
someone like this, hmm?

How can you destroy
someone's reputation?

Yeah! ?

Where'd you come up
with this garbage?

I do a lot of research.

See that?

Apple bears amazing resemblance
to late funny man Redd Foxx.

Do you have any idea
how much pain

you've caused me and my family?

Yes.

- Don't you care who you hurt?
- No.

Look, I'm warning you.

If you don't stop this
scurrilous as*ault right now,

you'll be hearing
from my lawyer.

Oh, jeez,
I've never been sued before.

I'm scared.

Come on, Miss Fine.

This man obviously has
no conscience or remorse.

- Let's go.
- Hey, pal, look.

I'm not forcing
six-year-old Malaysians

to make sequined jackets.

I write for a tabloid.

I make up stuff only
an idiot would believe.

( Gasps )
John John's gettin' a divorce?

Miss Fine!

Oh, sorry.

Look, I'm sorry
if I hurt your feelings.

I'll never write another word
about either one of you again.

Well, thank you.

You see, you gotta open up
the mouth in this world.

We appealed to his decency
and convinced him to stop.

Well, that and the fact
it was the worst selling issue

in five years.

It serves him... What?

Laid there like a lox.

Are you telling me,

that the hunk producer
and the naughty nanny

didn't fly off the stands?

Stinko. A b*mb.
We were embarrassed.

We're going back to Princess Di.

She sells beautiful.

I don't understand why no one
wanted to read about us.

Oh, you don't know
how to market us.

That's your problem, mister.

You gotta appeal
to the younger demographic.

It was the that k*lled us.

Guys, it's over.

You're dullsville.

- Ugh.
- Dullsville?

You wanna see hot?

You wanna see steamy?

Get over here, naughty nanny.

Is he looking at us?

Oh, yeah.

Miss... Miss Fine,
he's just turned off the light.

He's developing the film.

Well, you see,
they gave me this little trophy

that says "Butler of the Year."

- Nice.
- Hmm.

And I know I should be happy.

But I'm suffering
from tremendous guilt.

Where do you think
that comes from?

I never clean under anything.

I always lie
and say that it's decaf,

because I don't feel like
making a second pot.

And during prom season,

I drive the limo for extra cash.

Well, maybe you weren't
meant to be a butler.

I know. I stink.
( sobbing )

I don't deserve
to be his butler.

He's so good to me.

He's even paying
for this session.

I think we're going to have
to talk again about this.

DeeDee,

run a TRW on Maxwell Sheffield.

But the paper lost
its credibility by the, uh,

what's it...
( snaps fingers )

Okay, I know it.
I know it. I know.

Okay. Hmm.

Where did that come from?

You get back down here,
young lady.

Oh, no, no.

- Margaret: No.
- ( door slams shut )

Well, you wanted to get your
daughter back o-or what?

What's my line?

Female: Begin from the top.

"Broadway's grieving widower
can't keep his pants on"?

Oh.
Oh, ha ha ha.

What do you think of this,
Miss Fine?

( Jazz music playing )