05x13 - Call Me Fran

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hi, Niles.

Miss Fine, the way
you're dressed.

- What?
- You're dressed.

( laughter )

I'm taking my father to a
basketball game for his birthday

and you know he likes women
to dress so conservatively.

Is that why your mother
dresses so demurely?

( laughter )

Meanwhile, one time
she bought this backless dress

and he made her return it because
it showed too much cleavage.

Cut too low in the front?

You wish the front.

( laughter )

Oh, hi, kids. Close the door.
It's cold.

Alright, Brighton, the
party starts at : and

there's gonna be a lot
of hot chicks there.

So you owe me.

Maggie's taking me to a mixer
at her sorority house.

Oh, great.

Bring-a-geek party?

I, like, so own that trophy.

( laughter )

Alright.

Miss Fine, here we go. Two center-court
tickets to tonight's basketball game.

Oh, I so appreciate
you arranging these tickets.

This is the first time
that I've been able to afford

to give my father
something really great.

They're comps, right?

( laughter )

Think of them as my gift to you.

Don't you look adorable today.

Thank you.

You could be Margaret's sister.

Sister... stepmother.

( laughter )

( doorbell rings )

Niles, that's Daddy,
would you get it?

Oh, good evening, Sylvia.

Ooh, Niles, you smell delicious.

Oh?

What is it, ham?

( laughter )

Ma, what are you doing here?
Where... where is Daddy?

Oh, he couldn't make it,

but he wanted us to wave
to him from the good seats.

He's not coming?

He didn't like my gift?

Oh, sure, he did
he just wasn't feeling well.

He ate a whole box of Snausages.

( laughter )

Ma, the dog's been dead for five
years, you still kept her treats?

Although you've got her collar and
leash hanging in your bedroom closet.

But that's probably
none of my business.

( laughter )

You're right, it's not.

( laughter )

I'm so disappointed. I can't believe he's
not coming. I really wanted to see him.

So, come on, we'll go.

I'm dying to see
a basketball game.

I don't know how I put it off
for the past years.

( laughter )

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
in one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do, where was she
to go, she was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell make up
but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was
there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly
what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father
finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids
are actually smiling ♪

♪ Such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing,
the Nanny named Fran ♪

( cheering )

Defense, defense, defense,
defense, defense!

( Cheering )

( laughter )

What's the matter, darling?

I miss Daddy.

Oh, there's the camera,
Fran, there's the camera!

Happy birthday, Daddy,
we love you!

Ow.

Oh, boy.

Good thing I'm wearing jeans, or that
guy would've just taken my temperature.

Pig!

( laughter )

Did you feel a ring?

( laughter )

You know, if you're not gonna finish your
pretzel, I'd like to take it home to Daddy.

I thought
he had an upset stomach.

Ma, were you lying to me?

I was half-lying.

Why?

Well, he did
eat a box of Snausages,

but it didn't bother him.

( laughter )

Well, why didn't
he want to come, then?

Because he knew that the tickets
came from Mr. Sheffield.

So? It's not like I didn't
do anything to get 'em.

Lord knows, I'm the only one
burning the candle in that window.

( laughter )

Darling, he doesn't want to take
anything from Mr. Sheffield.

Why?

It breaks his heart
to see your young life

being wasted by a guy
who's never going to marry you.

I can't even talk about it
or I get all choked up.

Peanuts!

( laughter )

Pff!

What's so funny?

Oh, nothing, I was just thinking of that
hysterical J.J. Walker impression you do.

You know, you should really
do that for the sorority party.

Oh, you mean, "Dyn-o-mite."

( laughter )

Stop, stop. You're going
to peak too soon.

Oh.

( laughter )

Bring-a-geek party, right?

I remember well.

This baby brought me home gold.

Oh, Gracie,

I'm sorry, honey,

they didn't have your choice of
"Secrets and Lies" at the video store.

But I got your second
choice: "Operation Dumbo Drop."

That was your choice, Fran.

( laughter )

I know, I'm just a little depressed
and kinda needed an upper.

What's wrong, Fran?

Oh, sweetie,

this is a grownup problem
and you're a little girl.

My Daddy doesn't like me.

( laughter )

Let me.

( laughter )

Alright, honey, talk to me.

( laughter )

Ay, what's wrong
with this picture.

You mean, because you're
the adult and I'm the child?

No, I mean,
because you didn't bring a fork.

( laughter )

The other thing's true too.

So what happened
with your father?

Oh, you know, he doesn't approve of the
relationship between me and your Daddy.

He doesn't know what me
and your father have together.

I don't know what we... why,
have you heard anything?

Fran, you're a grown woman,
you're over...

feet tall.

( laughter )

Why is it so important
what your father thinks?

He's always finding fault
with everything I do. I mean,

I can never please the man.

Fran, what does Dr. Miller say when you
talk about your father in therapy.

Mm, I haven't even
finished talking about

when my mother took me trick-or-treating
Halloween dressed as Catwoman.

Why, she had a black latex
body suit hang...

Oh, well, I guess that's none
of my business either.

Well, Dr. Miller, I'm so sorry
to barge in on you this way.

I hope it's not too much
of an imposition.

( laughter )

It's alright, Fran. Even though
it's not your regular appointment

being drilled by
needles feels oddly similar.

( laughter )

Now, where was I?

Your father disapproves of you.

( laughter )

Oh, yeah, that's right,
thank you, Ken.

You know what, Fran? I'd like
to run a Rorschach test on you.

Horshack from
"Welcome Back Kotter?"

Could you pick up one of those ink blot
cards there and tell me what you see?

Oh you mean this black schmear?

Well, I don't know,
I guess I see a

gorgeous off-the-shoulder Vera
Wang white wedding dress.

You see a white wedding dress
in that black ink?

Yeah, uh-huh. You know, this is the
negative. The proofs haven't come in yet.

Fran, don't you see
the connection here?

You come in with a crisis about your
father and you jump right to marriage?

Wait a minute, are you saying that
I want to be married to my father?

Because if that
is buried in my subconscious

let's just build a Home Depot
over it and move on.

( laughter )

I am saying that marriage is the ultimate
expression of acceptance and love.

That's what you want
from your father and

that's why you keep
seeking out men like him.

You mean I seek out distant and repressed
men that keep me at arms length?

Who?

- Mr. Sheffield.
- Mr. Sheffield.

( laughter )

Oh, my God, I have been chasing after
men that reject me just like my father

my whole life.
Oh, Dr. Miller, you're a genius.

Oh, oh!

( laughter )

Can you believe this?

- Niles?
- What, what?

Sir, would you believe she put these things
in my hand while I was asleep on the couch?

Oh, that sleep part
was a bad defense, wasn't it?

( laughter )

( laughs )

You know, at the risk
of sounding like the doctor

who delivered you,
this could get ugly.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

I just came back from therapy
session and we've got to talk.

Miss Fine, you've been
talking for a solid hour.

Aren't you talked out?
That's a silly question.

( laughter )

Alright, Miss Fine,
what's on your mind?

Well, first of all,

don't you think that it's a little strange
that we've known each other for five years

and you're still
calling me Miss Fine?

Niles calls you Miss Fine.

That's different, he's the butler.
I get a charge out of that.

( laughter )

You call me Miss Fine
to keep me at arms length.

Now, now, hold it right there.
That's not true.

Peoples, exhibit A.

( laughter )

Do you know
what I've discovered?

You are exactly like my father.

- That's absurd.
- No.

I've never met your father.
No one has.

I'm not even sure
he bloody well exists.

( laughter )

Well, he does. And I have been chasing
after his love my entire life.

Do you know that he is at the root of
every doomed relationship I've ever had?

I'm completely screwed up.

( laughter )

I'm a basket case.

( laughter )

And there's only one way for me to
achieve any kind of mental health.

You have got to change, mister.

( laughter )

Well, it's been three whole days and Mr.
Sheffield hasn't changed at all.

( laughter )

I don't know.

Maybe I was too subtle.

Well, that's always been
your downfall.

( laughter )

Oh, I'll tell you this whole thing with
my father has gotten me so confused.

I mean, where do I go from here?

Trying to get some guy's approval has
always been my whole Raisinette.

( laughter )

Meanwhile,
if I could blame my father

for why I'm gonna end up
alone and miserable

I'd be the happiest girl
in the world.

( laughter )

Fran, as far as you
and Daddy goes,

you've got to redefine the
boundaries of your relationship.

You're his nanny
and nothing more.

That should be
a smooth transition.

( laughter )

You know, Val, all those hard knocks
have made you a little bitchy.

( Bell rings )

Would you look at her? She is
baking cookies for herself.

She is so independent.

Well, I tell ya. She's not
looking for some guy's approval.

Mm.

That kid is the answer
to all women in the future.

Right.

Gracie, I said chocolate chip,
not oatmeal raisin.

Well, I guess
I can't do anything right.

( laughter )

( knocking door )

Mr. Sheffield?

Oh, Miss Fine,
don't you look lovely.

Oh, you like?
Don't compliment me.

( laughter )

How am I ever going to break the
habit of needing your approval

if now you start
giving it to me?

( laughter )

Here.

That's my schedule.

Those are my hours.

You're the boss, I'm the nanny.
I'm on a coffee break. Goodbye.

( laughter )

Oh, come on, Miss Fine,
don't be so foolish.

And please, let's keep
a professional distance.

That was just for the road.

( laughter )

Niles, I don't know what
the woman wants anymore.

What am I supposed to do?

May I speak freely, sir?

Yes, of course, old boy.

I am so sick of hearing this year
after year. "Niles, what am I do?"

"I told her I love her. I took it back.
I'm afraid of commitment.

I'm worried about the children."
For God's sake, make a move.

Do something!
You passed on "Cats"!

Do you want to regret this
for the rest of your life, too?

( laughter )

What's going on in there?

Oh, I have had it.
I am trying to convince him

to give up on Miss Fine
and move on with his life.

( laughter )

C.C.: I agree with Niles.
What are you waiting for?

C.C.:
Just do it! Do it! Do it!

( laughter )

Hi, Ma. I bought you a cake
from the health food bakery.

It's flourless,
sugarless and dairy free.

Mmh!

( laughter )

Darling, I didn't know you were
coming. I'm going to the gym.

Are you really going to the gym.

This is my second time.

Ahh.

I went once to join
and now I'm going to renew.

( laughter )

Ma, I'm very upset,
I really need to talk to you.

I'm sticking to my diet, darling, so
if you're looking for Entenmann's

the cupboards are bare.

No cookies? No Count Chocula?

( laughter )

Nothing? I mean, I'm depressed
and I need some junk.

Have some bread.

I don't want bread,
I need sweets.

Have the bread.

( laughter )

Woo.

( laughter )

Look at this, a Jewish pinata.

( laughter )

So what are you
so upset about, darling?

Oh, I had a big breakthrough
in therapy, all about Daddy.

So what did
that con artist tell you?

( laughter )

That everything that's wrong with
your life is your father's fault?

Yes, Ma.

Thank God it's not me.

( laughter )

Oh, Ma. Why don't
Daddy and I connect?

I mean, after Nadine was born,
did he really want a son?

No. He loved his girls.

Oh, how come you always
dressed me like a tomboy?

I mean, there were pictures
of me sitting on Daddy's lap,

you'd swear
I was K. D. Lang dummy.

( laughter )

Darling, you're grasping
at straws there.

Your father adored you.

He just had trouble
expressing himself.

So he's a little
distant, it's just his way.

You know, children tend to idealize
their parents when they're growing up.

You know, they don't see
that underneath this veneer

we're not sophisticated people.

( laughter )

Well, meanwhile, Dr. Miller
says I'm attracted to men

that always keep me at a distance because
that's the way Daddy treated me.

You know, your father
always did his best.

But he's not going to change.

( laughter )

You know, you should focus
on changing yourself, not him.

You know, Ma?

You are absolutely right.

Of course I'm right

I've gotta change myself!

( laughter )

As long as I'm living under
the same roof as Mr. Sheffield

I am always gonna feel this way.

Naturally.

Huh?

I'm gonna move out of that
mansion and get on with my life!

What life? You're two shakes
away from being a cleaning lady!

Wish me luck, Ma!

I'm gonna cut out my tongue!
That's not what I meant!

Sylvia: If your father did this,
why are you punishing me?

( laughter )

Stay back, Ma!
I know what I gotta do!

I'll k*ll that shrink bastard!

Look what he's done
to my little girl.

What is going on in here?

Ma, leave us alone.
I have to talk to Mr. Sheffield.

I am not moving from this spot.

Come, Sylvia,
we'll wait in the kitchen.

( laughter )

Look, Mr. Sheffield, I keep hoping that
if I hang around here long enough,

deep down inside
you're going to change.

But I've come to realize that my
father is never going to change,

and I have to accept
that in you too.

So what does this mean?

That this arrangement is not
going to work out anymore.

Well, are you saying
you're quitting?

Yes.

We've been together
for so many years.

You still don't know
what you want.

I just think it's a healthier
decision for me to make.

No, Miss Fine, I understand how you're
feeling, I do, but I don't understand...

Mr. Sheffield, genug already, it's
too late. I've made up my mind.

- I have to do this.
- No, please don't go,

Miss Fine, Miss Fine, come back.
Fran, wait!

( laughter )

You're right.

You're right, I suppose I have

kept you at arms length.

And maybe it's because I have
a genuine fear of intimacy.

I don't know.
I just do know that I...

I don't want you to go.

Fran?

( laughter )

Fran.

Does this mean you'll start
calling me Fran all the time?

Well, not in front
of the children.

Well, how about Niles and C.C.?

That wouldn't be
very professional.

- What about Ma?
- Miss Fine!

- Chow!
- Fran!

That's better.

( Applause )

Good night, Fran.

Wait, wait. I gotta tell you,

Maggie's taking you
to a "Bring-A-Geek" party.

Fran, I know that.
What am I stupid?

I'm going there to meet girls. That's
why I'm wearing my cool clothes.

( laughter )

Uh-huh. Oh, oh, good, good.

Well, have fun, honey.

Thanks, Fran.

- Oh, and B, B, B.
- Yep?

You know, sweetie,

it probably wouldn't hurt to
just work the words "trust fund"

right into the conversation.

( Applause )