05x20 - The Pre-Nup

[bunniefuu]

Sir, I have to talk about
this replacement

Miss Babcock sent over.

I don't like her,
I don't like her at all.

Why not? She's doing a wonderful job.
She's very efficient.

Well, I don't know. There's just something
about her that rubs me the wrong way.

Hello, hello.

Maxwell, here are the documents
from your attorney.

Niles, there's something
stuck to your hair.

- What?
- A big fat ugly butler.

What's that?

A cellphone for Fran.
( clears throat )

I thought it would help with the
planning of the wedding she has to do.

Uh-huh?

What's that?

A pager.

With all the running she has do

I thought this and her own limo
would come in handy.

You must have pulled a big one.

Shall I close the door?

Why don't you?

You're on the wrong side of it.

( laughter )

Just tell me,

I did have a heart
att*ck and the doctor says

it helps thin my blood if
I'm kept constantly in the loop.

Oh, will you stop it.

Well, apparently my finances are a
lot more complicated than I thought,

and my attorney thinks
it is a good idea if I...

( clears throat )
whether I should...

I'm going to ask Fran
to sign a prenuptial agreement.

Why don't you just walk downtown in a rag
dressed as Uncle Sam. It'll be quicker.

( laughter )

Niles. This isn't
just about me and Fran.

Apparently there are some
family accounts in my name.

I'm responsible for my brother
and my sister, their children.

Now I'm just going to explain this to
Fran in a calm, rational firm tone of...

Oh, here's my pretty darling.

Don't they look nice?

Oh, very, very nice. Look,
I brought you some presents:

A cell phone.

Thank you.

And a pager.
And look, it vibrates.

Ooh, it's vibrating.

You'd better
page me all the time.

( laughs )

It's for the chauffeur
of your new limo.

Oh, my God, my own limo?

Oh, I don't know, honey.
It just seems so show-offey.

But don't worry about it, it has tinted
windows, no one will be able to see you.

Oh, well, then what's the point?

Oh, honey don't forget this afternoon
we're going to go see Sammy's niece Edna,

she's a wedding photographer, and
she is supposed to be phenomenal.

She does all of those
dogs dressed as people.

She did the Beatles
using four Yorkies.

It was very clever.
Very clever.

Well,

don't worry, sweetheart I've
cleared the whole afternoon.

There is just one little favor
I'd like you to do for me.

Hehe. What?

Oh, well, it's just that there's some
silly little papers I'd like you to sign.

Oh, honey,
sure, whatever you need.

You're the business head
in this family.

You need me to
sign something, I'll sign it.

Just as long as it's not a prenup!
( laughs )

( all laugh )

Niles?
Niles, where are you going?

Somewhere else. Now you're
on the wrong side of the door.

( laughter )

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
in one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do, where was she
to go, she was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell make up
but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was
there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly
what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father
finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually
smiling, such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing,
the Nanny named Fran ♪

Is this the paper
you want me to sign?

Oh well, it's not important
right now.

Why don't you see your limo?
It's right out front.

You said you needed to
get it done. Let's just do it.

What's the rush?

Come on, go take a spin.

It'll be fun.
Look I'll page you.

Hehehe.

Stop it. Honey,
you're being so cute and sexy.

Makes me wonder what you don't
want me to see in this folder.

Ah, alright, alright,
it's a prenup.

Water! Water!

I've swallowed my tongue!
I've swallowed my tongue!

Sweetheart, sweetheart,
just stay calm.

My lawyer thought

it was important
due to my family's estate.

Did you think that just because I
sacrificed five years of my life

to raise your children so you could
go off and achieve financial success

that I was gonna hire
some barracuda lawyer

to take everything you've got

so I can retire
in the Riviera and go blonde?

Who thinks of such things?

( laughter )

Darling, it has absolutely
nothing to do with us.

( laughter )

It has everything to do with us.
It has to do with trust.

What have I ever done to make
you think I couldn't be trusted?

Dear Lord, are
we really going to open

that land-of-the-giants
sized can of worms?

Well, it's obvious we have
different prerequisites

for marriage, don't we?

I'm surprised that
you didn't put a clause in here

saying I have to maintain
a certain weight?

( Gasps )

Well, he saw your mother.

( laughter )

Two can play at this game too.

I happen to have some relatives that are
notary publics slash travel agents.

Perhaps, I should have them draw up a
prenup to protect some of my assets.

Fine, fine you go right ahead,

but you'd better not waste
any blimey time.

Don't want that Welcome
Back Kotter lunch box

falling out
of the family's hands.

Yes, what the hell do you want?

I want that blonde woman
out of this house.

Oh, hi, Ma.

Hi, darling.

Oh, you look beautiful.
How are you doing on your diet?

Good.

( laughter )

I thought I'd go
to the photographers with you.

Yetta and Sammy
are on their way over.

Good, do we have time to talk?

They're at the curb, we have
time for the Geneva Convention.

( laughter )

You know, Ma, Max and I
had a terrible fight.

- He wants me to...
- Do it.

( laughter )

You don't even know
what it is yet.

The invitations
are halfway to Israel.

( laughter )

That's all I need to know.

( laughter )

He wants me to sign a...

a...

prenup.

( Gasp )

Did you sign it?

- No.
- Why not?

( laughter )

Well, Ma, I think
it shows a lack of trust.

You know, Shoshana
stood up to Jerry Seinfeld.

She refused to sign
that prenup of his.

And she sure showed him.

( laughter )

- Hi, Fran!
- Oh, B,

what are you doing back? I thought you
were gonna go rollerblading in the park.

I came back, I forgot a vital
piece of equipment.

What?

Something that protects
a vital piece of equipment.

Oh. Oh, oh.

Ma, do you remember
when I found Daddy's,

and you said to me that
it was a peanut dish.

( laughter )

Trust me, it wasn't that
far from the truth.

( laughter )

But, darling, why are you getting
so worked up about this?

Prenups are very common now.

Ari Onassis even put
in a mattress mambo clause

when he married Jackie.

It said she had to sleep with him
a certain number of times a year.

Oh, sure, that he leaves out.

( laughter )

( laughter )

She does beautiful work.

( laughter )

Oh. Oh.

( Applause )

I'm so sorry I'm late,
I had to sh**t some nudes.

I thought Sammy said you were
sh**ting some dogs.

I didn't say they was pretty.

Ah, baby,
this is my niece, Edna,

and this is my chick.

( laughter )

- Hello.
- Hello.

Sammy and I might
want a portrait too.

All we got now is a joint MRI.

( laughter )

Oh, the MRI,
CAT scans, angiograms,

boy, we had
some good times, didn't we?

How long is this gonna take? Because I do
have a meeting in New Haven in two hours.

That is why we took two limos.

Yours and mine.

Note how I separate
yours from mine,

lest there be any confusion
in the future.

( laughter )

Well, there won't be any confusion in the
future. Because what's yours is mine.

( laughter )

I smell love.

( laughter )

You must be the happy couple.

You're so pretty together.
Aren't they pretty together?

Very pretty.

Yeah.

I'm Edna.

Come on. Shake.

Come on. Good girl.

- I have to go.
- Sit.

Good boy!

( laughter )

So, I feel money is probably
no issue here,

of course it's an issue for me
because I gotta pay my rent.

So we'll start with
the top of the line, shall we?

Excuse me, I'll just squeeze
in here.

Yes, now this wedding package comes
with this fabulous wedding favor,

a D pop up version of the
front table. It's very popular.

I really don't see why you can't
see my side of this.

It's just a piece of
paper, if it'll make me

happy, why can't you just
sign the blimey thing?

Well, I'm sorry, I didn't
realize that this marriage

is all about
just making you happy.

You know, we can make this talk.

"Thank you for coming.

Thank you for the blender."

( laughter )

Okay.

So are you the mother?

- Yeah.
- She over ?

- Uh-huh.
- You need to help me out here.

Wow, these Triscuits
are really stale.

( laughter )

Yetta, you're eating
liver snaps.

Oh, my God,
with milk? It's not kosher!

( laughter )

This is ridiculous. I'm not going to
change my mind. Now I have to leave.

Why are you harping
on this disgusting issue?

Push, push, push, you were the one
who was so desperate to get married.

Me?

Yes, that's our story
and we're sticking with it.

( laughter )

You know where
I stand on this matter.

Now, what happens now
is entirely up to you.

Well, what is that
supposed to mean exactly?

If I don't sign the prenup
the wedding is off?

Alright.

Alright. Yes, that's
exactly what this means.

I'm gonna faint.
Somebody catch me.

I've got you Sylvia.

( laughter )

Fran:
Oh, Val, it was horrible.

He said that the wedding is off
unless I sign and I just know

that there
is no way to resolve this.

I don't even know why
I'm bothering to make plans.

Yes, hello, I said Velour
yarmulkes, Velour, thank you.

( laughter )

You know, Fran, why don't you
just sign the stupid thing.

He loves you,
he wants to marry you.

And if, God forbid, you do split up,
this provides for you as well, right?

Yeah, I guess so.

And not only is he protecting the
same kids you want to protect,

his family's probably
pressuring him, too.

I mean, to them you're
a nothing off the street.

As am I.

So,

he's probably trying to get them
off his back as well, right?

Well, I guess so.

Yeah. So from where I'm sitting, it makes
perfect sense that he would want a prenup.

You know I think that gingko
is beginning to kick in.

( Phone rings )

- Oh.
- No, no, no. It's that one.

Oh?

The ginkgo.

Huh?

So many phones.

Hello?

Yes, this is
the Sheffield residence.

Oh,

oh, my God.
Oh, yes. Yes, okay.

Yes, thank you, thank you,
I'll be right over.

Oh, my God, Brighton got into an
accident playing roller hockey.

He hit his head,
he's at St. Paul's Hospital.

Listen to me, you have got to
call Mr. Sheffield's assistant

and tell her to call him, then
call Gracie's friend Marcy's house

and tell her to send
Gracie right home.

Then wait here for Maggie
to come home from ballet class

and tell Maggie to wait here
for Gracie and then take Gracie

to the hospital
and meet me there.

Oh, Fran.

Brighton's gonna be okay.

No, I don't know anything
you just said to me.

( laughter )

I'll call you from the car.

Oh, oh.

Brighton Sheffield,
Brighton Sheffield.

I'm here to see
Brighton Sheffield.

Where is he, is he okay?

They just brought him down from a
CAT scan, he's back in his room.

You his mother?

Well, obviously it doesn't say his
age on that chart. I'm his nanny.

Where is he? Where can I go?

Are you a legal guardian?

No, but just point me
where his room is.

I'm sorry, you can't see him.
It's immediate family only.

He's a minor.
Those are the rules.

( laughter )

You know, honey, you could buy a lot
of liquid white shoe polish with this.

( laughter )

No.

( laughter )

When a family member gets here,
you can go in then.

But they told me to rush
right down here, and I did.

That's all they said that I had to do,
was come here and that's what I did.

Now give my daughter her sh*t!

( laughter )

It worked
in "Terms of Endearment."

( laughter )

( laughter )

Hello, sister.

Oh, hey, bro. I mean, my child.

He'll be fine,
just a little concussion.

Oh, thank God.

You're allowed to wear makeup?

- Uh...
- What order are you from?

From uh, the um
Sisters of the Divine, um,

Miss M.

Shalom.

( laughter )

Oh, B, B, can you hear me?

Oh, uh, sister, I swear

I don't know how I wrote the exact
same story as John Steinbeck.

Brighton, Brighton, it's me, Fran,
I'm the one that taught you

how to do that, remember?

How did this happen to you?

Well, I was skating
with these two cute girls

really fast towards
a brick wall and then...

And...

And they knew how to turn.

( laughter )

- You okay?
- Yeah.

Yes, he'll be fine it's just
a little bump on the head.

Let me fill you
in on what happened.

Fran, isn't it obvious?

He was after some girl he didn't have
a chance with and ran into a wall.

Nurse says no dairy.

And then they wouldn't let Fran in so
then she had to dress up like a nun.

Or sourdough.

Well, can I at least
have the cookie?

( laughter )

Oh, it's raisin.
You don't like it.

Now, honey, why weren't
you wearing your helmet.

Don't you know that you always
have to use protection?

That goes for you too, missy.

I don't know why you're getting
so upset you. I'm fine.

What, are you kidding me?

I was so worried,
I love you guys so much.

I don't want anything
to ever happen to any you.

Don't you know that you
mean the world to me?

Ah, hello there.

I've just been filled in by the doctor
and it seems we can take you home.

Just gonna have
a headache for a few days.

Give you a little glimpse
into the world of marriage.

( laughter )

You will just buy anything
at a sale, won't you?

( laughter )

They wouldn't let her in because she's
not family or his legal guardian.

Oh.

Uh, look I... uh,

I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, I'm sorry too.

I shouldn't have
let you leave angry.

Well, I just never...

Well, I really...

cannot talk to you
dressed like that,

it's a whole boarding school thing,
it makes me very uncomfortable.

( laughter )

Well, I'm wearing the clothes
of a woman that never marries

and lives a life of celibacy.

Oy, did I miss my calling?

( laughter )

Oh.

( laughter )

Goodnight, Piles.

( laughter )

Niles.

You say tomato.

You know something, lady.

You're just a pale imitation
of the C.C. Babcock I know.

You're not half the man she is.

( laughter )

You know, Niles, it's a shame
we didn't get along.

I find myself
strangely attracted to you.

You said I was a big fat
ugly butler.

You don't know my type.

( laughter )

Taking the night off. If I'm not
back in the morning... yay!

( laughter )

( applause )

Hi.

So where did you disappear
to after we brought B home?

Ah, I took a little walk.

The phone call
every parent dreads.

I had to give my insides
time to fall back into place.

I hear you. Boy, it sort of makes
everything else seem so unimportant.

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

I decided to sign the prenup.

- Really?
- Yep.

I know that I want
to spend the rest of my life

with you, so if this is what it
takes, then fine give it to me.

Alright.

And you know this is the place
where you're supposed to say,

"No, darling, I trust you."

( laughter )

"And I know we're going to spend the
rest of our lives together." You know?

( laughter )

Oh, give me here.

You know, Fran, you were right

when you said what happened today
put everything into perspective.

This doesn't look anything like
the papers you gave me before.

That's because they're not.

Mm?

No, this is.

Those are the first stages
of the adoption papers.

I want you to be
the children's mother, legally.

You do?

I always thought Sarah and I would be
raising the children together and then...

well, I never really thought
they'd be truly happy again.

But you know they are?
And that's thanks to you.

I just love the children
so very much.

And I love you.

And I meant what I said before.
I want to sign this prenup.

I just want to add a little
Ari Onassis clause.

Don't worry
it's a win-win thing.

Sweetheart,
that won't be necessary.

Why?

Because this is the time I say I
trust you and I know we'll be happy

for the rest of our lives.

Ooh...

( applause )

Hey, Yetta, what ya reading?

"The Money Club."

Some park Avenue ladies invested their
money together and made a fortune.

So I got all the gals at the
home to pool their resources.

What are you gonna invest in?

We bought the book.

( laughter )

Where you going?

I have to go
with Fran to traffic court,

she's gonna talk her way
out of a parking ticket.

Come on, honey.

We'll go pick up
a knish on the way.

( Applause )