05x22 - The Wedding

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe it. In just
hours from now I'll be holding

Mrs. Sheffield in my arms.

Are you as happy as I am?

This is the happiest day
of my life.

Congratulations, sir.

Thank you, Niles.

Hey, what about me?

I'm the woman who's making you
the happiest man in the world!

Miss Fine, congratulations!

Oh, uh, what's the suitcase
for... oh, wait a minute, I know.

If we elope now, the sooner we
get to our wedding night, huh.

Excuse me, you made
me wait five years

and now all of a sudden,
because you're in the mood,

you think that I'm gonna come
to you just like that.

Come to mama.

Oh, and you're so excited you're
packing for the honeymoon already.

Oh, sweetie, I'm a Jewish woman

going on a two-month cruise.

Do you really think these are all
the clothes I'm going to need?

Yes.

Oh, honey.

I wish I could stay,
but I gotta go to ma's.

- What?
- Yeah.

It's bad luck for the groom to see the
bride hours before the ceremony.

But we have the house
all to ourselves.

Oh, I know but no, no,

no, oh, God. Oh, God.

( Beeping )

Oh, that's the hours.

- What?
- Yep.

That was a warning.
We only have two minutes left.

I can do it in two minutes.

You can?

Well, darling, it has been
five years.

Ooh.

Let's go.

You gotta get out now.

Ma, we still have
two minutes left.

Trust me, there's only one man who
can satisfy a woman in two minutes:

Colonel Sanders.

♪ She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out
in one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do, where was she
to go, she was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing
to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup
but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was
there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed
that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly
what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father
finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually
smiling such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing,
the Nanny named Fran ♪

So, Dad, last day as a free man.

No more wild nights,
no more wild women,

So, uh, basically
same old same old.

Like father, like son, eh.

( laughs )

Yeah.

Your sister, sir.

Oh, Jocelyn.

There's the groom.

Oh.

Darling, handsome as ever.

( Clears throat )

Niles, you're always stunning.

Oh, stop.

Press everything in my bag,
would you?

I said stop.

So where is she?
Where's mother?

Oh, she declined the invitation.

Seems she despises your fiancee.

What? That's ridiculous. I talked to her
the other day, she said she adores Fran.

Abhors, darling.

I know it's horrid.

But you know mommy.

She doesn't think anyone
has the class of a Sheffield.

Yeah, so?

♪ Pick a little duck,
cheek cheek cheek ♪

♪ Pick a little chocolate, pick a
little chocolate, cheek cheek cheek ♪

♪ Pick a little chocolate, pick a
little chocolate, cheek cheek cheek ♪

In the short year
that I've been here

I have added a certain element of
style and panache to this house.

Hmm, when did I eat corn?

She loved my late wife, Sarah.

Oh, absolutely.

She thought
she was a real stitch.

Yeah, right.

She did say stitch.

Oh, Jocelyn. I can't believe this. My
own mother not coming to my wedding?

Well, fine, fine, see if I care.

I don't need her approval.

All right, maybe, maybe Fran was
a little rough around the edges

at the beginning, but after five years
of being exposed to the finest things

in life one grows...

You got the edible undies
in petite?

Oh, wouldn't this
look adorable on me?

Ma, I'm getting a little scared
just seeing it next to you.

How we doing on time?

Oh, let's see. Oh.

hours and seconds
till the big event!

But what about till the wedding?

( laughs )

Oh, good... oh, you got the piña
colada in petite, that's great.

Ma, wait till you see the
gorgeous negligee that I ordered.

It is so black!

Oh, no, no, no.
I ordered this in white.

No, I'm sorry, they shipped it
in black, hon.

But I ordered it in white, doll.

No can do, babe.

Well, doll better do
or babe'll k*ll doll!

Everybody calm down.

Look, darling, my daughter
is getting married

in hours and seconds.

Is there something
we could do to expedite

the situation?

Are you trying to bribe me
with a candy bar?

Half.

I'm sorry, there's nothing
I can do to help you.

The South Jersey store
can't ship till Monday,

you'll have to take the black.

She can't wear friggin' black,
it's her wedding night,

she has to look like a virgin.

I said look.

We schlepped all the way
to Jersey for that negligee

and in two seconds
he's gonna rip it off,

cover you with chocolate
Cool Whip and ravage you.

Taking a little trip
to Hotel Vicarious, Ma?

So, Sylvia, do you remember what you
did the night before your wedding?

Yeah,
I dilated three centimeters.

I know what I'm gonna be doing.
Val's coming over,

we're going to get
manicures and pedicures

And I got those special strips that
when you tear them off your nose

it cleans out your whole pores.

Ooh.

I use the tape from daddy's
toupee. It works the same way.

This is just fabulous. We're
making incredible time here.

There's nobody
on the road but us.

Oh, this shortcut
of yours is just brilliant.

( Loud pop )

Oh, God, oh, God!

I just wanna say
I hate you so much right now.

You know, it is so unwise
for you to turn on me right now.

Because last week...

- No...
- the exact same thing

happened to that tire.
And I learned how to change it.

Ooh, Val, you know
how to change a tire.

I'm very impressed, I don't know
anything about changing a tire.

Except...

- Val?
- Yeah.

Is the spare tire over there?

Not so impressed with me
anymore, are you, Fran?

How could you not replace
the spare?

We're in the middle of nowhere,
what are we gonna do?

Well, I learned something, I cannot
go tinkle with a raccoon watching me.

Sylvia, do you know anything
about patching a tire?

What do I know from tires?

Oh, I'll take care of it.

I don't believe you two, modern
liberated women of the s,

you don't know
how to get a tire fixed.

Well, I don't care
what my mother says.

I know you're the one for me.

( Twinkling sound )

Sarah: She is the
one for you, Max.

Sarah?

Hi, Max.

My God.

Have I completely lost it?

No, no, no.

And you are making
the right decision, Max.

That's why I came.

I want you to know
how happy I am for you.

Oh, you are?

Look at your eyes.

Look at your smile. Heh.

I love what she's done for you.

Oh, I'm so happy to hear that, Sarah,
because I'm just crazy about...

It's okay to love her, Max.

I love her too.

Look at what she's done
for our children.

I will be grateful
to her for the rest of my life.

It's an expression.

Oh, Sarah, my darling Sarah.

Oh, when I lost you,
I couldn't handle anything.

Especially the children.

And then, out of nowhere,
this meshugana woman.

- It's an expression.
- ( chuckles )

She came into our lives

and for the first time made
us all smile again.

Okay, well, we gotta
make Maggie beautiful.

Sure, like that's gonna happen.

Shut up, Brighton.

Hey, be nicer to your sister.

Why? Because we're a family.

Yes, that's right, and someday your
father's gonna be old and sick.

You're gonna want him
to live with her.

I wrote you a poem, Fran.

You did?

F is for the fun
we have together,

R is for the Rummy that we play,

A is for the answers
to my questions,

and N is for
the nasal things you say.

We were in the locker
room after gym...

And?

Fran, I'm smaller
than everyone else.

Smaller? How?

Oh, just forget it,
it's too humiliating.

Well, what could be so humiliating
about being smaller in a locker room?

Honey, if you don't want me to
go out with him, just say so.

I respect your feelings.

I don't want you
to go out with him.

Well, then I won't
go out with him.

I love you and I'd never
do anything to hurt you.

I love you too, Fran.

But please let me go out
with him.

I'm going to grow old and die
waiting for your father.

Hello, sweetheart.

Do you like my party dress?
Loehmann's, % off.

She'll never shop retail again.

Hi, Dad. Surprised?

No tricks, Brighton.

- Best behavior.
- Mm.

All right.

Come on, Maggie,
don't be shy, honey.

My God, I had no idea how much
she looked like her mother.

Oh, I think you'd
really like her, Sarah.

I do, Max.

Why do you think
I sent her to you?

You sent her to me?

And you heard her speak?

I thought she had a cold.

Is everything all right?

Niles, Niles, come on in,
come on in. Look who's here.

Who, sir?

He can't see me, Max.

Would you like a drink?

No, thanks, it
goes right through me.

( laughs )

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Hmm.

Be happy, honey.

I'll always love you, Max.

And I'll always love you.

Right back at you, sir.

Oy.

Oy.

Let's stop.
I cannot move one more inch.

Oh, I'm just so parched.
I need water.

Oy. I left the water
in the trunk.

Oh, well, that's genius Val.
Now which one of us

is gonna have to go
all the way back and get it?

Oh, fine. I'll go.

All right, Fran. This is
starting to get really scary.

Remember that movie
we saw where those people

were starving so they started eating
things they wouldn't normally eat?

You mean the tape
of my Bat Mitzvah?

No!

I mean the movie where they
started eating each other.

Oh, well, fortunately we've got an
all-you-can-eat buffet pulling up the rear.

You're gonna be hungry
until you get a mindset.

You gotta block out all thoughts

of food and pastry products.

You know, we've been walking for three
hours. How can you not be hungry?

Ma? Did you eat
my edible underwears?

Maybe.

Ma, we were going
to ration my undies!

I was nervous. You know
I always eat when I'm nervous.

Nervous! Happy! Sad! Swimming!

Well, if no one is going to have any
more of the cake, I'm gonna put it away.

Oh, that's good.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Smart, yeah, ma.

Thanks, Ma.

Stop her! Stop her!

She's got the cake!

Oh, my God,
I'm having palpitations!

Quick, get me my medicine!

( Wailing )

Darling, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing. I just need to be
with my daddy right now.

Oh, why, sweetheart?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I know, isn't it awesome? I
knew that you would love it.

No, no, that was
a shocked and horrified

"oh, my God."
It's blimey awful.

Well, I'm sorry, Dad,
but I'm years old now,

and I can make my own decisions.

Miss Margaret, your hair, it
makes you look so much younger.

No one will ever believe
you're . I love it.

Well, I hate it.

And I'm going back blonde.

She's easier to work
than a Muppet.

Since you're feeling so clever,

maybe you can help me with
a rather delicate situation?

Sir, who cares if your mother's
not coming to the wedding?

Miss Fine has more class
than she'll ever have.

Isn't it interesting how
you knew of it before

I told you about the
delicate situation?

You know, sir, that haircut
makes you look three years...

Oh, knock it off, Niles.

Do you think I should tell Fran my
mother's Not coming to the wedding?

Sir, if I had waited this long to tell
her, it's the least you could do.

( Phone rings )

Yes, hello.

Oh, Mrs. Torielo,

What?

Where?

Well, you're...

I just got a pen, hang on.

Val, Fran and Sylvia haven't
come back from New Jersey

and now their car has been found
abandoned on the side of the road.

Yes, Mrs. Torielo, I'm here.
All right, good, I'm on my way.

Don't worry, Mrs. Torielo, I'm
sure everything is just fine.

Yes, I'm sure you're right, sir,
they're very resourceful women.

I'm telling you it's gonna work.

Remember that nature program
we saw where those bears

made a spout in the trees so syrup
would come out so they could eat?

Val, those bears were
Yogi and Boo-boo.

I cannot believe this is
the night before my wedding

and I'm stuck on the side of the
road in the middle of nowhere

with you, my mother
and that stupid snake.

( Screaming )

Run away!

I hate snakes! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

( Screaming )

Oh, my God.

Oh, forget it, Fran
we're all out of quarters.

You don't need quarters
for a callbox, Val.

Well, I wish you'd have told me earlier,
we could've used the one next to the car.

- Hello?
- Hello.

Hello. Hello.

Is there a problem?

Fran:
I'll say there's a problem.

We're stuck out here
in the middle of nowhere.

I'm supposed to be getting
married in less than hours.

And we're starving to death because
my mother ate my underwears.

All right, why don't
all of you stay calm?

We've got your callbox number, we'll
send someone out to you in a few hours.

A few hours? No, no, sir,
you don't understand.

I've waited five years
to marry this man, and

it's true we had some
problems in the beginning

well, not we,
but he... but he did.

My family loves him and,
well, his mother adores me.

You know, it's... it's really
such a beautiful story.

I mean, some say it's pathetic, but
you know I'm going with beautiful.

So what you're really
saying is you feel terrible

about this whole darn thing,
and if you could you'd get down

on your hands
and knees and apologize.

Miss Fine!

Apology accepted. Ma, pack
my things, he wants me back!

Smile!

Oh, thank you, Miss Fine.

Any time, Mr. Sheffield.

Any time.

♪ Once I can touch ♪

♪ What my heart used
to dream of ♪

I love you.

So we agree then.

- Friends.
- Friends.

♪ For once in my life ♪

Fran, I love you.

Your father has something
he wants to share with you all.

I've told Miss Fine I love her.

- What else is new?
- What else is new?

Oh, yes, I didn't take it back.

Oh, congratulations, Miss Fine!

(cheering )

Fran.

( Sighs )

Will you marry me?

♪ For once I have something
I know won't desert me... ♪

What do you think?

♪ I'm not alone anymore ♪

♪ For once I can sing ♪

♪ I just might,
you can take it... ♪

Lady, it's a beautiful story,
my heart goes out to you,

but I got one tow truck and
a wedding is not an emergency.

You're how old?

I'll send the chopper.

Oh, thank you, thank you, sir.
He's coming to rescue us.

Oh, my God,
it's my son-in-law.

Fran: Don't look, don't look,
honey, you can't see me!

What happened?
I got a call from Val's mother.

They found a car.
I passed it down the road.

You know there was
a callbox next to it.

You know what?
Let's not revisit that.

Oh, honey I'm so happy
that you're here.

Oh, darling, are you all right?

No, wait, wait, wait, stop,

stay where you are.
Remember?

You can't see me for hours
before the ceremony.

Oh, ma, what's he wearing?

The cashmere, he looks gorgeous.

Oh, I love the cashmere.

Ma, you're not wearing a bra?

In case I die, I'm gonna
go free and happy.

Oh, sweetie, go run over

and pull the car here, but
whatever you do, don't look at me.

Darling, darling, it's a two-hour drive,
how can I possibly not look at you?

Just keep your eyes fixated
on me.

It'll be like a glimpse
into the future.

Now, come here, sweetie,
and give us a hug.

Val: Uh, Fran, it's never
gonna be like this again.

Just the two of us
lying here together.

God willing, Val.

To think you were almost gonna be the
last girl in our class to get married.

Oy, wouldn't that
have been pathetic?

Val?

I know. I just figured it out.

Darling, it's time for the
mother-daughter prenuptial talk.

Valerie, would you go into
the kitchen and heat me up

a nice big piece of apple pie?

I get it, you want some privacy.

No, I want pie.

Darling, I knew I would
be too emotional

on your wedding day,
so I wrote you a letter.

When did you have
time to write it?

On the day you were born.

"My darling daughter,

after hours
of agonizing labor..."

PS, I'm never letting
your father touch me again.

You're finally here.

( Crying ) Darling, this is the
happiest day of my life until today:

"your wedding day."

"( crying ) And now, here
you are, years old."

Kennedy was President.
We were all optimistic.

Ma,

you know,
I don't what you to think

just because I'm getting married

that this is gonna change
anything between us.

I may be living with Maxwell,

but you'll always live
in your own home.

Now go.

Good night, sweetheart.

Good night, ma.

( TV playing )

Sir,

with tomorrow being your wedding day,
I thought a brandy might be in order.

Thank you, old man.

Oh, you want one?

Oh, Niles, I just hope I can
live up to Fran's expectations.

You know, I haven't been with
a woman in quite some time.

Well, double quite some time,

add two, and welcome
to my world, pal.

It's just that
she's so experienced.

I mean, she's been
with an Italian guy, Niles.

Oh, sir, that was
five years ago.

Believe me, the woman is so ready
even an Englishman will please her.

Oh, my God. These shoes
don't fit, my shoes don't fit!

They gave me the wrong shoes,
they gave me the wrong shoes!

Those are my shoes.
They're my shoes.

Oh, relax. Relax.

These are her shoes.

There's my shoes.

( laughs )

- Fran.
- Yeah?

You want me to get you
a cup of coffee?

Honey, do I seem
like I need a buzz?

- Fran?
- Yeah.

- Sweetie.
- Baby.

Uh, you know as your bridesmaid,

- Yeah.
- I got you something old,

something new,
something borrowed.

That's mine, Val.

Borrowed!

( laughs )

- The only thing that I forgot,
- Yeah?

Was something blue.

Val,

if I don't have something
blue, I can't get married.

Fran, Fran, Fran,
you're going to choke her!

Well, then at least I'll have
something blue, won't I?

( Knocking door )

Shh.

Now, class it up! That could be
somebody from his side of the family.

Entrez.

Can Maxwell's baby sister
have a word with the bride?

Of course.

Hello, darlings.

Can we have some privacy?

Oh, here, girls. Why don't you
go tie this on to the limo?

We need to have
a little privacy.

I just wanted to give you
a warm welcome

to the Sheffield family.

- Ooh.
- Welcome.

I feel the love.
I do. I do.

And don't let it bother you
that mommy isn't coming today.

Mommy isn't coming today?

Oh, didn't you know?

But don't fret, darling.
Remember how much mommy

hated Lester when I married him?

She hates me?

Oh, darling, Mommy only despised
Lester because he's my chauffeur.

She despises me?

Oh, Jocelyn's saying too much.

Look, darling, the point
is mommy adores Lester now.

Oh, good.

Of course, that could be
because we're divorcing.

What? You and Lester?

Turned out mommy was right.
Classes can't mix.

Sure they can, sure they can.
You loved Lester,

you loved that
he was so different from you.

He was earthy and real,

and, from what I heard, he was
a wild animal in the bedroom.

Oh, yes,

but eventually, darling, not having
anything in common becomes a real bore.

Oh, don't get me wrong,
I still enjoy the lovemaking,

just not with Lester.

Oh, darling, don't worry.

It's completely different
with you and Max.

I mean, Lester had no breeding.

His family
was utterly classless.

Oy, where's the can?

I took a diuretic
instead of a Tylenol.

Oh!

C.C.?

I'm so sorry I'm late. Can you imagine me,
the bride, being late for my own wedding?

Um. Oh. Um.

Ooh.

Maxwell, if there was one thing
the place taught me

is that it's
Nanny Fine that you love,

I'm very happy
for the both of you.

Well, thank you very much, C.C.

( wedding march playing )

( music stops )

( wedding march plays again )

( music stops )

( wedding march plays again )

( music stops )

Friends, family,

would you excuse me
for just one moment?

I'll k*ll her!

How could you leave me
standing at that darn altar?

The minute this diuretic wears
off, you're gonna get such hell.

( Knocking on door )

Ah, hello, darling.

Hi.

Listen, I don't know if you've
checked your day planner recently,

but if you look under today's
date, it says "Get Married."

Don't yell at me.

Can't you see I'm falling apart?

The wedding is over.

God, you look incredible.

Sweetheart, would do you
mean the wedding is over?

Jocelyn and Lester
are getting a divorce.

Well, what does
that have to do with us?

Their marriage didn't work because they're
from two different worlds, just like us.

I mean, you're the
sophisticated, classy Jocelyn,

and I'm Lester.

The poor schlub
who works for you.

Oh, come on, darling,
you never really work.

You know, it's so wrong
to make a joke now.

Sweetheart, I love you.

Sure, now. I mean, now you find
our differences charming.

But sooner or later you're going
to get bored with me

and even though
you won't admit it,

I know that you're going
to be bugged by the fact

that your mother hates me.

What?

Who said my mother hates you?

Your mean old sister.

Come here.

Oh, Fran, my darling.

How can I make you understand
how much I adore you?

Well, a few examples
would be good.

All right, let's start
with your sense of humor.

I love your vivacity,

your guilelessness,

your irreverence.

Can't you use
words I understand?

I love your pizzazz, your fire,

your passion,

I love the way you get excited
over a good piece of coffee cake.

Or even a bad one.

Oh, and I love that smile.

Do you really need more?

Would you mind?

You see how you make me laugh?

Oh, Fran, I love the way
you love.

With all your heart
and all your soul.

The way you love the children.

How they worship you.

You know,

you blew into our lives five
years ago like a whirlwind.

You made us
all feel alive again.

For that alone,

I'll love you forever.

You don't think I'm pretty?

( Wedding march playing )

( wedding march continues )

( music ends )

Seven and a half carats.

( Camera shutter clicks )

We'd like to begin the service

with a traditional
Jewish prayer.

( Praying in Yiddish )

Maxwell, do you promise
to love and cherish Francine

in sickness and in health
as long as you both shall live?

I do.

Francine? Do you...

I do.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Go ahead, go ahead.

Do you promise
to love and cherish Maxwell

in sickness and in health
as long as you both shall live?

I do.

Minister: If anyone here
can give good cause

as to why these two should
not be married,

let them speak
now or forever hold their peace.

By the power vested in us

we now pronounce you
husband and wife.

Kiss your bride!

( Cheering )

( music playing )

I don't want to say anything,
but could this chicken be drier?

I'll take the dry chicken
over the fishy salmon.

How is everything?

- Delicious!
- Delicious!

I'd be lying if I didn't say
I'm a little turned on.

Hey, after the wedding,
would you and the countess

like to join me and Morty at the
diner for a little French toast?

Oh, we just ate.

Not French toast.

- He's a God!
- He's a man!

- He's a God!
- He's a man!

Guys, this is hardly the place
for a religious debate.

We're talking about Sinatra.

Miss Babcock.

Oh, thank you, Niles, but you
know I'm not supposed to...

do that.

How many times have
you not done that tonight?

About eight.

Oh, Niles, now that Maxwell's
taken my life is over.

Oh, Miss Babcock, you always
underestimate yourself.

You have a lot to offer a man.

You're witty, you're sophisticated,
you're beautiful, you're sexy.

How many times have
you done that tonight?

About .

Dance with me.

Okay, butler boy.

( Chuckles )

Mr. and Mrs. Sheffield!
Everything is perfect!

Both families
getting along swimmingly?

Oh, listen, who's got
the energy to fight?

I mean, his side's too drunk,
my side's too full.

That's it, I'm leaving.

Oh, here we go.

- Fran, I'm leaving.
- Why?

I'm tired of these people
insulting me.

Oh, uncle Stanley, please,
they don't mean any harm by it,

there's just
from another culture.

I'm talking about our side.

Stanley, you sit down!

We paid for your darned vegetarian
dinner, now you eat it!

Oh, darling, what do you say
we just get out of here?

Oh, we can't leave yet, they
haven't thrown the bouquet.

Darling, you... you do that.
You're the bride, remember?

( laughs )

And there's your silver lining.

I can't believe I'm kissing
a married man.

How'd you like to join one
in the bedroom?

Ooh, that would be so wrong.

Oh, my God, Fran, you...

you look exquisite
in this moonlight.

Well, after ,
a girls' best light

is candle and or moon.

I love you, my darling.

I love you.

Don't move.

Don't move an inch. I want
to remember you just like this.

Let me get a camera.

Okay, don't forget
to put the redeye on.

Ah!

( Water splashing )

Fran I...

Fran?

Darling?

Fran!

Miss Fine!

Fran:
Mr. Sheffield!

Fran, I'm coming! I'm coming!

( Jazz music playing )