01x15 - Deep Throat

[bunniefuu]

Oh, if they ring those little
bells one more time,

I'll wring their little necks.

Niles, they're poor sick children
who need our care and compassion.

Enough with the bells already!
We're not deaf!

Until now.

Sorry. Oh, three kids
sick all at once.

I don't think I can
last much longer.

Well, look on the bright side. Eventually,
they'll either go back to school or die.

School, thank God for school.

I need those seven hours
of personal time.

I mean, how else can I continue
to be the bright and vivacious nanny

that you all know and love if I have to
spend all day taking care of those kids!

All right, darling,
how do we feel?

What took you so long?
Ice cream, juice...

I need the remote control.

Toast in the shape
of a horsey.

What kind of a horse is this?

A gelding.

Whenever I was feeling a bit wonky,
mama used to bundle me up
and seat me by the fire,

not too close, and bring me tea
and crumpets and little soldiers
cut out of toast.

Niles, you know we love you.

Don't share. Better you
should remain an enigma.

Silly me, after sitting through endless
stories about your multifarious relatives.

Hey, only my Uncle Harvey
is multifarious.

When he sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow,
you'd swear Judy was in the room.

Maxwell, I am terribly concerned
about the children.

Oh, why, thank you, C.C.,
but it's only the flu.

Yes, but if you catch it, who will
I take to my sorority reunion?

Is that this weekend?
Let me see if I'm free.

Maxwell, you tease.

You wouldn't leave
me hanging.

No, we'd cut you down
in a week or two.

I just can't wait to show you
off to all my old friends,

with their handsome doctor husbands
and their two-point-five perfect children

they juggled while earning
multiple Phd's.

Oh, C.C., there's no
need to be jealous.

You have a successful career
and...and...

Well, successful career.

Yes, how do you
balance them both?

Knock, knock.
Were you just with the children?

Yeah. Why?

Mmm... Lysol.
My mother's fragrance.

Can't be too careful.
Germs everywhere. Nobody touch me.

We'll try to restrain ourselves.

So, Maxwell, what do you think I should
wear to the reunion Friday night?

Well, Miss Fine's clothes always make
a statement. Why don't you ask her?

Why don't I just pop into K-Mart and
pick something out of the Jaclyn Smith collection?

Meanwhile, she's making
millions of dollars

and they said Kate Jackson
was the smart one.

Where are you going?
My sorority reunion.

Oh, reunions are so much fun.

You get to see how
old everyone got,

who's had face work,
who's not married...

Oh, you'll be the belle of the ball.

So, Miss Fine, are the children
feeling any better?

Oh, yes, except for Gracie.
I think I need to take her to the doctor.

Maybe we should call the doctor
and have him come to the house.

This is New York. You can't get
a doctor to make a house call

if your spleen was sitting
next to you on the couch.

Miss Fine, are you feeling
all right? Oh, yeah.

It's just a little frog in
my throat. No biggie...

Oh, doctors' scales are always
six and a half pounds over.

Fran, how come they make
you wait so long?

To give you a chance to stock up
on your beauty supplies.

See, these are great
for astringent.

Oh, these are excellent for
doing your cuticles.

And these, well, if I don't take them,
I'm sure I'll regret it later.

I'm scared.
Oh, sweetie,

there's nothing
to be scared about.

Mommy, I don't want a sh*t!

I think I feel better.
Let's go.

Oh, honey, would you trust me?

Believe me, this is
an absolute cinch.

Just be glad that you don't have
stirrups like at my doctor.

Your doctor has a pony?

No, honey, these are for...
Oh, never mind.

You'll discover the joys
of womanhood soon enough.

Hey, Gracie.
Hi.

Hi. I'm Doctor Link.
I'm covering for Doctor Sherwin.

Don't worry.
I'm very gentle.

Fran says I don't want
a gentle doctor.

That's gentile.

Okay, Gracie,
I wanna hear you breathe.

You ever seen a stethoscope?

Have you ever been
sued for malpractice?

Gracie! You haven't,
have you?

We settled out of court.

Okay, I'd like to look
at your throat.

Where are my tongue depressors?

Uh... I may have one.
Oh, here, here we go.

Yeah, well, you never know when
you're gonna run into Monty Hall.

Oh, look at all these diplomas.

Harvard, Yale, Columbia.
Couldn't settle in, huh?

Actually, I'm certified
in several specialties.

Oh, is there a Mrs. Link?
We're divorced.

Oh, so she's like the missing link.

Gee, that's a new one.
Yeah, right.

Okay, Gracie, can I get you to
open your mouth? Uh-uh.

Oh, come on, honey,
like this. Ahhh...

Ahhh...

Okay. Well, you just have the tail end
of that nasty flu. You're gonna be fine.

You, on the other hand,
you have a nasty looking throat.

Oh, Doc, no, it's just
a little tickle.

Honestly, I never get sick.
Healthy as a horse.

Come on, Grace, let's get
out of here. . Say ahhh...

Uh-uh.
Like this Fran. Ahhh...

Ahhh...

Hmm... I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to take those tonsils out.

Yeah? Well, unless, you're talking
about dinner and dancing,

they're not interested.

I don't have a good feeling
about this place.

Oh, Miss Fine, this is one of the
top medical institutions in the country.

Meanwhile, they've got
no padded hangers,

no hair conditioner, not even
a little sewing kit.

But they do turn down your bed and
leave a valium on your pillow.

Oh, all right. Brighton, get me
some hangers from the old lady.

But she's asleep.
So? She won't miss them. Go, grab.

Fran, you know, you're only
gonna be here overnight.

Listen, this is the closest I'll ever
get to a large group of doctors.

I promised my mother I'd look
my best.

You know, Fran, you're being really
brave about this surgery.

I'd be afraid I was gonna die.

Aren't visiting hours over
for children?

No one dies from having
their tonsils out.

Oh, well, that's what they
told my Aunt Paula.

She went in for bursitis,
but she developed a bed sore,

that turned into phlebitis and
caused a massive stroke.

If they ever settle her case, she'll
be the richest vegetable in Bayside.

Oh, I love this vest.
Can I have it?...

You know, if you don't make it.

I'll leave it for you in my will.

If you haven't promised your
Reba McIntyre c.d's to anyone...

Can't you all wait until
they hang the tag on my toe?

Will you all stop being
so morbid? Yeah.

There's absolutely no risk
involved. Right.

Your life insurance is
paid up, isn't it?

I'm Nurse Smith. Get in bed.

I'm not the patient.
I know.

Here, sign these.
What are they?

Release forms.
Don't talk.

That's all it takes?

I should have tried
that ages ago.

Hey, what's this
about complications?

Oh, you know, in case they
leave in a sponge or...

Oh, does that happen often? I already
retain water two weeks out of the month.

You're going to be just fine.
Visiting hours are over. Say goodbye.

You mean goodnight.

Whatever.
I'm off in fifteen minutes.

Well, goodnight, Miss Fine.

Now you get some rest and we'll be back
to see you before the operation tomorrow.

Goodnight.
Goodnight, Fran.

Goodnight, Miss Fine.
Goodnight.

Remember, Fran, afterwards you can
have all the ice cream you want.

Swell, if I live, I'll be hippy.

Here, Fran, I thought you might
want someone to sleep with.

Oh, how sweet. And look
at his nice furry back.

You must come from
my neighborhood.

Thank you, angel.

You gonna be okay?
Hey, what's my last name?

Fine.
So I'll be fine.

And I'll take good
care of Teddy, too.

Just try not to drool.
He hates that.

Hey, listen you, you think about getting
frisky during the night, don't wake me.

I'm having an operation tomorrow,
so I'm not allowed to eat anything.

But you go ahead.

Mmm... Turkey.

I wonder if
it's real or pressed.

Well, maybe
I'll just taste.

Oh, you're not missing anything.

No. You know, you're
a great little listener.

When my mother had her hysterectomy,
oh did she have a loud mouth roommate.

I swear, after one day she wanted
to reach up and yank it out herself.

Oh look, Hard Copy. The Menendez boys.

Oh, you know, I don't get it.
They don't have the brains
to just leave home,

but they can figure out how to put
their pants on over their shackles.

See if I can get
some volume going here...

Hey, this thing's
not working...

What's with this?...

What happened in here?
Nothing! Nothing!

I didn't do anything.
We were just talking.

Her over there, me over here,
with all this space in between us,

and then all of a sudden
all hell broke loose.

Excuse me, sir, when you get
a chance I could use a remote.

...and finally, "Do you ever lead a man
on with no intention of following through?"

Oh, never.

Well, occasionally.

All right, always, always.

Oh, never. Who's gonna know?

Come in.

Oh good, she's fine.
Sure. They haven't cut her open yet.

Yeah. That's when things
can go really wrong.

One slip of that scalpel and...
Oh, I'll tell you later.

All right, you've seen her.
She's fine. Let's go.

Oh, Miss Babcock,
you look gorgeous.

Much too young to be
going to a reunion.

Of redwoods maybe.

Dear Niles, always so witty.
Especially for a servant.

At least when I offer
something people take it.

C.C., aren't you gonna
wish Fran good luck?

All right.

Nanny Fine, I know you're scared
now, but just remember

when you wake up from surgery, you'll
find that the excruciating agony
of an adult tonsillectomy

is far worse than anything
you can imagine. Good luck.

I'm out of here.
No, now, Miss Fine.

Would, would it, would it make you feel
better if we stayed through the surgery?

Oh, no. She's a big girl.
She doesn't need us to stay.

Sure she does.
Hmm...

Well where are those parents
you're always babbling about?

They happened to be on their
annual pilgrimage to the Holy Land.

Jerusalem?
Miami.

Maxwell,

who's more important,
me or the nanny?

C.C., for heaven's sake,
she's going into surgery.

You go on, I'll catch up later.
I can't show up without an escort!

Why don't you just inflate one
like you usually do?

And these are my beautiful twins
playing with me at work.

Thank God NASA has day care.
So does the U.N.

Yo know my little brutus can say
'jungle gym' in twelve languages.

C.C., does your employer
provide day care?

Well, actually,
I don't have any children yet.

Oh...

But you are married?

Well, not yet.

Oh...

Okay now just relax and count
backwards from one hundred.

One hundred,

ninety-nine,

ninety-eight,

ninety-seven bottles
of beer on the wall...

Quick, I've got the release forms,
you take the pen.
...ninety-seven bottles of beer...

You sure this is legal?
Oh, we always get them this way.

Oh, now I've lost the children!

Shh! Don't tell Mister Sheffield.

It's all right, Miss Fine.
The children are having dinner in the cafeteria.

Oh, I hope they don't order turkey.

It's pressed.

She's, uh, dead to the world.

Oh, I'm dead? Oh, that's so sad.

I want Maggie to have
all my clothes.

And I want Gracie to have
all of my Barbi dolls.

About your Reba McIntyre c.d.'s.
Niles!

Man, hold on.
Sorry, sir.

Beep-beep.

Shifter Medfield.

Oh, I believe
that's you, sir.

Shister Medfield,

I want you to have me...

All set?

Where's my pen?
Here she blows.

I'm surprised she hasn't
taken her own tonsils out.

All right, come on, young lady.

We'll have you eating ice cream
before you know it.

Oh, uh, uh, Doctor,
perhaps while you're in there,

if it's not too much trouble,
you could have a look at her adenoids.

Why? Do they bother her?
Well, not so much her.

We have a theory that perhaps
something's loose in there.

Yes. Anything that jiggles,
tighten it up.

Well, off you go.

Mister Medfield...

Yeah, everything's gonna be just fine.
Don't you worry. I'll be here
when you wake up.

Shister Medfield, I love you.

C.C., darling, please join us.

Your Maxwell has obviously been
detained by something more important.

Oh, he'll be here any minute.

He adores me. Absolutely worships
the ground I walk on.

So I guess this evening he'll
be worshipping from afar?

You know, I think it's so nice
that you two are still friends.

I thought you'd never forgive her
after that weekend in Barbados with Bill.

My Bill?

I thought you knew. Oops.

You know, if you squeeze this I.V.,
blood comes out of the old lady and into the bag.

Brighton!

Just a theory.

She came through just fine.
She'll be up in a couple of minutes.

Oh, splendid... All right...
Fine... Good...

Oh by the way, her adenoids
are quite remarkable.

I'd remove them, but I'm afraid
her head might cave in.

All right, children, off you go, down
to the gift shop and get some flowers.

And I think she wants some candy.

And a Playboy.

It was worth a sh*t.

Niles? Sir?

I didn't want to say anything
in front of the children,
but I am worried about Miss Fine.

But the doctor said
she was all right.

Well, not that. Oh, good god, man,
you heard her. She's in love with me.

Oh, sir, she was a bit woozy.
I wouldn't take it too seriously.

But I must. Poor little thing,
pining away all this time,

and I never even noticed. Well,
I should have seen the signs,

I suppose, but I, I always thought
of her as just the nanny.

Well, a wonderful nanny to be sure.
Loving and wise in her way.

Funny, sweet.

But just the nanny?
Well, exactly.

Oh, this is all so awkward.
Not that I can blame her really.

I suppose she was just dazzled.

You are quite a catch, sir.

Oh, the last thing in the
world I want is to hurt her.

I, I, I just hope I can let
her down gently.

I love you...

I love you, too.

She was the most popular
girl in Recovery.

Hey, skinny,
I love you, too.

I don't want to hear it.
Not a word, sir.

Excuse me.

C.C., I am so sorry I'm late.

The surgery took a lot longer
than I was expecting.

But I'm here now, and ready
to dazzle them.

Everyone, I want you to meet
the light of me life,

Maxwell Sheffield.

Would you care for some tea?

Ice cream?
Coming right up...

Now what's the problem?

I need a pot of tea,
properly strained.

And Miss Fine requires
more ice cream.

With sprinkles.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who's idea was it to give
them those bells anyway.

So, Nanny Fine, cat got your tongue.

Oh, this is a dream come true.
I feel like I have d*ed and gone to heaven.

I have that dream, too,
but you go in the other direction.

Oh, Nanny Fine, let's have
a little chat.

Oh, I forgot,
you can't talk, can you?

Well, I guess for once you'll
just have to listen.

Oh, shall I help you unpack?

Oh, that's okay.
You can just hold it. Here.

Good to soak your feet...

Very fashionable...

What are you going
to do with that?

I thought I'd make
it into a nice lamp.