01x17 - Stop the Wedding, I Want to Get Off

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, I love you, too.
And I miss you terribly.

Who's he talking to?
What's it worth to you?

It's my sister from London.
I didn't know Maxwell had a sister.

Well, now we know what
you're worth to him.

All right, I'll see you then,
Jocelyn. Goodbye.

Oh, was that your sister?
Oh, I hope you said hi for me.

Why does Miss Fine
know about it?

He talks in his sleep.

Is everything all right, sir?
Yes. Jocelyn's coming for a visit.

And she's bringing a man.

Oh, what a great hostess gift.
Gee, I hope she knows my size.

Are you sure you heard her correctly, sir?
She's not bringing a ham?

No, I distinctly heard a man.
Astounding.

Unbelievable. Boy, this poor girl
must be the hound of the Baskervilles.

No, on the contrary, Miss Fine,
Jocelyn's very attractive and terribly effusive.

A good roll-on could
take care of that.

It's just that Miss Jocelyn has never
brought someone home to meet the family.

Yeah, she's never gotten serious
about any particular gentleman.

Oh, I got you. Yeah, that's just
like my cousin Gladys.

But you know, she's very happy.
And if you ever need your radiator flushed,

she's your man.

Oh, Niles, I wanna make a good impression
on Mister Sheffield's sister.

You think this outfit is okay?

Oh, perhaps something
a bit more conservative?

You haven't even looked yet.
All right, I looked.

Oh, it's all right, Niles.
That'll be Jocelyn. I'll get it.

Puddle Duck.
Mopsey.

Got you last.

Joce, haven't we grown
out of these childish games?

Ah, made you flinch.

Puddle Duck? Mopsey?

Why, Miss Fine, didn't you
have a nickname for your sister?

Yeah. Moron.

Hi. Fran Fine. I'm the nanny.
Oh, lovely to meet you.

And I'd like you all to meet Nigel
Waters, the Duke of Salisbury.

Oh, I love your steaks.

Thank you.

Lord Worcheshire and I get together
every Sunday for a barbecue.

And the Earl of Sandwich pops
by for leftovers.

Oh, I never got Benny Hill either.

Oh, thank you, Lester.
You remember Lester, don't you, Maxie?

Sorry, no. Oh, sir, he's been
her chauffeur for twenty years.

Oh, don't blame yourself, sir.

You've probably only ever
seen the back of my head.

Oh, Lester! Yes, of course!
Oh, good to see you again, old man.

Thank you, sir.

So, you're a duke.
Have you got a brother?

Maxwell, you described her laugh
all wrong in your letters.

It's nothing like the Q.E.
Two adrift in a fog.

Mister Sheffield, you've
been writing about me?

Yes, well .... So, uh, how was
your flight? Marvelous.

We even had a massage on the plane.
Oh, wow, some plane.

The last supersaver I took, I didn't
need a brassiere. I had my knees.

Let's just pop some food in there,
shall we?

So this is wonderful.
How long have you two known each other?

Yes. Was it love at first sight?
Yes.

The moment I laid eyes on her,
I thought, my god, she's suitable.

**** And the moment I saw him,
I thought, he seems nice.

Oh, dash it all, darling.
You want to tell them or shall I?

We're engaged.
You go ahead.

Oh, that's wonderful.
Oh, oh ....

Oh, this is so exciting.
I gotta call my mother.

We have never had a duke in the
family before. Well, we did once,

but we had to have
him put to sleep.

This is so scrummy, Niles. Yes, I remembered
steak and kidney pie was your favorite.

And you all complained
about my mother's cooking?

At least she steered clear
of the urinary tract.

So, did you and Uncle Nigel
have fun on the boat?

What boat, darling? Fran said
you hooked a really big fish.

Oh, eat up.

Maxwell, your children are charming.

Oh, dear, we forgot to buy them
presents. Well, let me give you money.

Oh, Nigel, that's not necessary.
Are you sure? I have lots.

I wouldn't miss it at all.
Quite sure.

Excuse me, Dad, but I believe
he was talking to us.

Brighton, don't be greedy.
God'll punish you.

Good evening, everyone.
See?

Jocelyn, Nigel, I'd like you to meet
my business partner, Miss C.C. Babcock.

Hello. Actually, I'm more
like part of the family.

Yes, we keep putting her out at night,
and she keeps finding her way back.

So, have you two set a date?
Oh, who's had time?

I'm still exhausted from
our month in Tahiti.

Oh, you know, you really ought to set
a date if you want to book a catering hall.

And if you want an accordion, oh,
you're really gonna have to move fast.

Fran was a bridal consultant
at Danny's Parisian Brides for Less.

Maggie, please.
Head bridal consultant.

Say, why don't you two have
the wedding right here?

I could throw you an affair that's
to die for. I kept their rolodex.

Miss Fine, that's a splendid idea.

I can just see the wedding pictures now.
The Duke and Duchess of Salisbury

at opposite ends of a ten foot hero.

Darling, are we free this Sunday?

No, we're, we're golfing
with the Worthingtons.

Oh, pooh. I hate the Worthingtons.
I don't much care for golf.

Then let's get married.
It's a perfect excuse.

Okay. But let's keep it simple.

Smart. I always say, put
the money towards the castle.

Then it's settled. We'll get married
this Sunday. Pass the salt.

I'm so happy for both of you.

Oh, mazel tov. That's pip,
pip in Yiddish.

Meanwhile, Niles, this is one recipe
that you can pull from your repertoire.

Oh, as it happens, steak and kidney pie
is also Lady Diana's favorite.

Oh, and they wonder why
she's always throwing up.

Gracie, sweetheart,
what's the matter?

I can't be a flower girl.
It's too much pressure.

What if Aunt Jocelyn slips on my petals
and falls and breaks her leg?

Then we'd have to sh**t
her like my pony.

Oh, sweetie, why don't you go upstairs
and take a nice, hot, relaxing bath.

Put in some of that aroma
therapy I bought you.

The sage?
No, I think that's for P.M.S.

Try the lavender.

I'll get it.

Oh, finally.

Hi.
Hey.

Wow.
Nice place, huh?

Where's Ellie May and Jethro?

I don't know how I'm gonna top it unless
I get a job working for Seigfried and Roy.

Something tells me they're not
gonna be needing a nanny.

Here's the stuff I brought you
from the bridal shop. Oh.

See ya. Well, what's your rush?

I thought you were gonna help me
with the wedding plans so that
you can hang out with Maggie.

Oh, I was. But after seeing how she lives,
I realize I'm not in her league.

Oh, don't be thrown
by all these trappings.

This is just an average,
ordinary house.

Oh, excuse me, I just gotta ask
the butler something. Have you seen the Duke?

Oh, he and Mister Sheffield
have gone yacht shopping.

Smart. Avoid the Christmas rush.
Sweetie, don't be intimidated.

I'm telling you, Maggie is just
a normal down-to-earth girl.

Oh, hi, ho.
Hi.

Gotta go.

Hi, Kenny.
Bye, Maggie.

Where's he going? I think the leather
boots probably scared him off.
It's a Jewish thing.

Jocelyn, come on, I want you to see what
I just had brought over from the bridal shop.

It's a genuine copy of a knock off
of an Ives Saint Laurent.

It kind of screams, "I'm getting
married," don't you think?

Well, honey, you're marrying a Duke.

If it were me, I would be throwing
leaflets out of the Goodyear blimp.

And my mother would be flying it.

Come on, I need some information from you
and the betrothed about the wedding.

Now, what's your favorite song?
I don't believe we have one.

Oh, come on, you gotta have one.
Evergreen?

Close To You?

Not even Duke of Earl? No.

What's your favorite song?
Well, I'm partial to You Better Shop Around.

But that would be more
appropriate for a shower.

Maybe we should just flip a coin.

Gee, no offense, but you're really pretty
blase about this whole event.

You love the Duke, right?

Who wouldn't?
He's solid and dependable.

And best of all, his mother's dead.

Enough said. Well, we still gotta deal
with the matchbooks, the napkins,
the seating charts, the yamukas.

Oh, yeah, well, that should take some of the pressure off.

I think I'll leave the little details
to you. I'm going to go for a drive.

Lester?
Yes, miss?

What took you so long?

Would you like to go ...
... go to the park, miss.

You read my mind. Oh, well,
then maybe you can tell me.

What's her favorite flower?
Her favorite color? What she likes to drink?

Roses, peach, perianguline.

Oh, well ....

He's better than Dionne Warwick.

Oh, I'm telling you, Niles, I got
a strange vibe from this whole marriage.

Bridal consultant's intuition?

The last time I did a wedding
with this level of excitement

involved my cleaning girl
and a green card.

And even she requested
Quanton Amera.

Oh, mark my words, Jocelyn
don't love the Duke.

Oh, British women are not known
for displaying their passion.

Believe me, I've been there.

Niles, I'm telling you, be it
Great Britain or Great Neck,

women in love are all the same.
When I was engaged to Danny ....

Hmm ....
All right, pre-engaged.

I knew his favorite song, his favorite
food, his favorite back wax.

I didn't miss a thing. Except
that little affair with Heather Biblow.

Well, now you know
his favorite hobby.

Don't start with me, Niles.

I'm telling you, when a woman
is in love with a man,

she should be swept off her feet.

Oh, hello there. Oh, I took a bit of a spill.
You can put me down now, Lester. I'm fine.

No, miss, I insist on taking
you up to your room.

Oh, he spoils me so.

Well, I got the song.

Baby You Could Drive My Car.

Mister Sheffield?

Mister Sheffield, are you up?

Mister Sheffield, it's me.

What is it?
You couldn't sleep either, huh?

Miss Fine .... Oh, look, I never
pictured you in pajamas like that.

Not that I pictured you without pajamas,
although I could. I've seen you naked.

Should I start again?

No, let's forge ahead, shall we?

I think you should call off the wedding
'cause your sister doesn't love the Duke.

She's in love with her chauffeur.

Jocelyn and Lester?
Hm-hmm.

Oh, my god!
When did she tell you this?

Oh, she has no idea.
Only you know and I know.

Even he don't know.

Let me get this straight.
My sister should not marry the Duke

because she's in love
with the chauffeur. Right.

But she doesn't know it.
Nope.

Oh, well, then by all means,
let's convince her.

Come on, let's,
let's wake up the whole house.

We'll insist that she dump the Duke and
all he has to offer,
and run off with her penniless driver.

Oh, I knew you'd understand!

Right. We can talk about
it in the morning.

Shrimp, baby lobster tails,
and cracked crab.

Yeah. If we were serving this
in Flushing, we'd need a police barricade.

By the way, sharp outfit. Oh, thanks.
Sonny Bono was having a yard sale.

Funny. Think so. Maybe
I'll do it in my stand-up act.

You know, that would be a good
thing to invite Maggie to.

Somehow I can't picture Maggie
in the Half Shell Room at Benny's Clam Bar.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.
Just because she's rich doesn't
mean she can't fall for a schlep like you.

Gee, thanks.

Okay, who ate half
the tush off the cupid?

Gracie.

Not me. I'm too nervous to eat.

She's very sensitive.
She senses doom.

Miss Fine, Grace senses
doom at Disneyland.

Look, my sister has finally found the person
she wants to settle down with,

and I am not about to ruin her
wedding day because you have a hunch.

Oh, you're probably right.
I mean,

if your sister was really in love
with the chauffeur, she would
have told him years ago.

Oh, no, no, no, don't try that
reverse psychology on me.

No, I'm agreeing with you.
Passion, smassion.

I've been reading too many books
with Fabio on the cover.

So you're not going to interfere?

Look, if you're asking me if I'm gonna bang
on the church doors and scream "Elaine!",

no.

Good.

Oh, would you just trust me? I promise
you I am not going to say a word to Jocelyn.

Lester!

Yes, Miss Fine?

Les, I know that we haven't really
spoken much, but I was thinking,

why haven't you told Jocelyn
that you're in love with her!?

What!? I beg your pardon!

You know, seize the day,
car bay deon.

You speak Latin?
Well, pig.

Are my feelings that obvious?
Well, to a trained eye.

I could never presume to tell
her such a thing.

Miss Jocelyn is beyond my reach.
She's back seat, I'm front seat.

You know, if you ever bothered
to look in your rearview mirror,

you would see that she's in love
with you, too. You sure?

Yes. She loves you,
you love her ....

Oh, boy, I've been watching
too much Barney.

Oh, Miss Jocelyn and me ....

It's just a fantasy.

You see, I have nothing to offer.

Except your undying love.

Ah, well, if only
that were enough.

Mmm .... All this
shrimp is fabulous.

I don't know why, I just love weddings.

Yeah, we all want what
we can't have.

Maxwell, do you think
you'll ever get married again?

I hope so. Oh, I love my children,
but it does get a little lonely at times.

Poor baby, you know
I'm always there for you.

Making lazy circles in the sky.

Lester ....

Oh ....

You look like an angel, miss.

Well, what are you doing here?

Well, actually, miss,
I've come to say goodbye.

You're leaving me? Yes.

Well, you'll be living with the Duke
and he's got his own staff.

But of course you'll
be coming with me.

You'll love your new room.
It has a view of the moat.

You can barely hear the drawbridge.

Thank you, miss, but I'd rather not.

Well,

best of luck.
Thank you ....

May I kiss your hand, miss?
Please.

I've been very happy in my work.

You'll be awfully
hard to replace.

I wish I could have done
more for you, miss.

You're off to a jolly good start.

You look good, kid.
You look tough. You feel okay?

Yeah, yeah.
All right.

Go on out there and splatter
those petals all over the floor....

Where is she?

... Oy ....

Miss Fine, where's Jocelyn?
It's time to give her away.

Too late. She's already gone.

My God, what did you do!?

Well, I didn't say anything to her.

Did you speak to Lester?
Oh, I talked to a million people today.

You think I remember every Tom,
d*ck and Harry?

Um, ladies and gentlemen, we're
experiencing a little technical difficulties,

so, uh, for your prenuptial enjoyment,

the comic stylings of
Mister Kenny Keroucas.

Huh?

So how many of you have
been Bar Mitzvahed?

What's happened?
Oh, Nigel ....

Jocelyn, is she all right?
Don't go in there.

Why not? It's bad luck to see
the bride before the wedding.

I'll say.

Oh, Nigel, I'm terribly sorry.
I'm sorry, sir, but we're in love.

Yes, I see that. Thank you.

Wow, he's taking it well.

Can't you see I'm heartbroken?

Really, Miss Fine, how insensitive.

Oh, well, how are you supposed to
know what you British are feeling?

What do you all wear, mood rings?

Nigel, please say
you'll forgive me.

Well, it won't be easy, Joce.
We did have a bit of fun together.

Granted, not as much fun as
you've had with the chauffeur.

I shall bow out gracefully
with my head held high.

You know, you could sneak out
that way. Better yet.

All the best.
Ta-ta.

Puddle Duck, are you awfully
disappointed in me?

Oh, of course not, Mopsey.

I'm just sorry you didn't find happiness
with Lester twenty years ago.

Who knew you could find true love
in the back seat of a car?

Anyone that's still living
at home with their parents.

I've been thinking, seems a shame
to waste all that food.

Oh, Lester, the answer's yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Oh ....

Well, next time I get a hunch,
I say we go to the track.

I remember what my dad told me.
He said, "Kenny,

it doesn't matter what religion you are,
or what the color of your skin is.

There'll always be people out there
who aren't gonna like you,
'cause you're irritating."

Oh, thank you, Kenny Kerocuas.
Ladies and gentlemen.

Kenny, you were great.

I'll be doing my whole act
at Benny's Clam Bar this weekend

Maybe you wanna go?
I'd love to.

Really? I just lost
all respect for you.

Well, as they say,
the show must go on.

So, all those on the bride's side,
please remain seated.

All those on the groom's side can
pick up their gifts on the way out.

Hit it ....

Oh, I just love weddings.
Yes, me, too.

Oh, Niles, such
a display for a Brit.

Well, I'm part French.

Miss Fine, you left
the bouquet out there.

C.C. almost ran off with it.
Great catch, by the way.

Hey, I've been a bridesmaid so many times,
I could out-jump the Shack.

It was a beautiful wedding,
Miss Fine. Hm-hmm.

I think Lester and Jocelyn really
looked happy. Yes, they did.

And to think they almost missed
their chance. Oh, I know.

In this day and age to have two people
rule out love just because of class.

Imagine, being blind to the fact that
you love someone just because they work for you.

I know. It's unbelievable.

Yes, well, goodnight, Miss Fine.

Goodnight, Mister Sheffield.

Smart. Put the money
towards a castle.

That's not the line.

I got it, Morris.
I always, I say, I say.

I always say, save up
for a house. Sorry.

It is contagious.
Oh, no, I'm so sorry, audience.