01x20 - Ode to Barbra Joan

[bunniefuu]

Introducing ... ing ... ing ... ing ...

number forty-four, four, four, four, four,

Brighton Sheffield ...
field ... field ... field.

He's safe.
And the crowd goes wild!

My coach thinks
I'm pretty good.

I just need work on catching
and spitting ... ach ....

Don't even think about it.

Brighton, this is the athletic
supporter you picked out?

Who'd you buy it for, Mr. Ed?

He's a Sheffield.
He'll grow into it.

Is it me, or did someone just
turn the heat on around here?

Miss Babcock, there's a gentleman
on line three who claims to be your father,

and I admire him for having
the guts to admit it.

Yes, she's right here.

Hello, Father.

How nice. Goodbye.

Oh ... another Hallmark moment.

So, your father's here.
What's he like?

We're complete opposites.
We have nothing in common.

Oh, I can't wait to meet him.

I'm far too busy, besides I saw him
last year. We had dinner and shared a cab.

Stay tuned for the Babcock
Family Christmas Special.

You gotta see him.
It's like my mother always said ...

You can freeze anything?
No.

Why buy Sweet and Low when
restaurants are giving it away? No.

Seven cans of tuna fish count
as one in the express line?

No. My mother always said ...
blood is thicker than water

and you can wash 'em both off
of plastic slip covers.

Miss Fein, what are you babbling about?
You have to make time for family.

Why don't you have him over for dinner?
Niles can whip something up.

I would like him to meet
the man in my life.

Oh, by all means,
bring him along.

I'll blow him up and put him
in his usual chair.

Put your fingerprints on one more crab
puff and you'll find mine on your neck.

Boy, you're in a grumpy mood.
What's the matter, your corns actin' up again?

They're excruciating, inflamed,
throbbing pustules, begging to burst.

I'm glad they're not makin' wine.

Niles, we can't use this china.
The pattern is hideous.

That's not the pattern,
it's your reflection.

If I'm going to see my father,
everything has to be perfect.

He is demanding, critical, judgmental.

You have no idea what it's like
to be around someone like that.

Totally in the dark.
Not a clue.

Maxwell?
Hm?

You have little planes
all over your tie? So?

So, Dad's a Navy man.
Don't you have anything with boats?

Oh, never mind,
I'll get it for you myself.

Any excuse to get
in his drawers.

Niles, Gatorade alert. Hey, I thought
you were supposed to be at Little League.

I was. Well, where are
your grass stains?

They don't grow grass on the bench.
Oh, shut up, Olive Oil.

I played right field.
Oh ... loser land.

Hey, I played right field.

Oh ....

Tell you what. What do you say I get
us a couple of box seats
at opening day at Shea Stadium, huh?

And you'll see how the pros do it.
Hm, or at least the Mets.

Hello.

Kitten, you haven't aged a bit.
Daddy, I'm over here.

And she has her mother's sense
of humor. None.

Well, call me crazy,
but I think I like him.

Stuey, you're a stitch.

So, finally, I had to slip the doorman
a hundred dollars to give me his pants.

Oh, my God. That must
have been embarrassing.

Talk about embarrassing. My parents
were once on "Let's Make A Deal."

Nine hundred people knew it was door
number one. They had to pick the box.

P.S. Carol Merrill
on a tricycle.

Well, if you want
to talk embarrassing

Ivana and I were down
in Palm Beach, at Mara Lago,

and we locked ourselves out of
the poolhouse. There we were,

dripping wet with no towels!

We didn't even have espadrilles.

So, Stewart, how long
are you here for?

Oh ... oh ....
The gardener saw us, too.

Just long enough
to do some business.

Did I mention that I bought a Picasso?
Not since the salad.

I have to check out some new hotel properties
and I'll meet with the foreign investors,

and I suppose I have to show
my face at this Streisand thing.

Barbra Joan Streisand? Born April
twenty-fourth, nineteen forty two,

to Manny and Diana Steisand, of
Four Fifty-Seven Schenectady Avenue, Brooklyn?

I take it you are a fan.

Oh, well, if you call turning
your bedroom into a shrine ...

seeing all of her movies
twenty-five times,

paying two hundred dollars for a piece of
chewing gum from the bottom of Barbra's shoe ....

Is ... is that what that framed
thing in your room is?

Oh, no. That's the sour ball
that Elliot Gould spit out,

but he was married
to her at the time.

I'd say she qualifies as a fan.
Hm-hm.

I'm part of the consortium that's
backing Barbra's tour.

Oh, you must be plotzing!

Franny Fein, we don't plotz.

I'm with you, Daddy.
I find her singing irritating.

Ah! An entire acre of Beth Shalom
Cemetery just rolled over.

Well, it's her voice.
It's so nasal.

Well, that's part of her charm.

I didn't know that
you disliked her, C.C.

Fran, would you like to go?

Oh ... I'm sorry.
It's just too much for me.

I mean, the idea of finally
seeing Barbra in person!

And our tickets are
in the front row.

Did you see her eyes roll back?
That was so cool.

Might I suggest a safety belt
for the concert?

There is one more thing, but ...

perhaps someone should hold onto her.

I'm okay. Give it to me straight.

We're going backstage.

I'm fine.

You don't mind, do you, sweetheart?
I mean, since you hate her so much.

Is he talking about Barbra or Fran?

No, please, go ahead. Enjoy.

Good. Then it's settled.

Now, my boy, what position
do you play?

Well, see, it's not so much
the position you play,

it's just that you're being
part of the team.

Right field, huh?
Yeah.

Poor thing. She held on
as long as she could.

Yes. All right. Goodbye.

Niles, cr*ck open the champagne!

The Theater Guild has finally invited me
to speak at this year's Broadway symposium.

So Andrew Lloyd Weber is ....
Out of town.

And Sondheim?
Busy.

And Gower Champion?
Dead.

Ah, just have my gray suit
ready by Saturday.

Along with your baseball cap, sir?

What? Oh, no. Oh, is that the day
I promised to take Brighton to the ballgame?

Home run, sir.

Maxwell ....
Oh, C.C., I've got a problem.

Well, I have problems of my own.
My father is missing.

He could be lying dead in
a ditch somewhere for all I know.

No, he's not missing.
He's out shopping with Miss Fein.

Oh, God, worse!

C.C., you're not jealous,
are you?

Me? Ha! Please!

It's just that she's taking time away
from his work and time is money.

And his money will
someday be her money.

So naturally I'm concerned.
Hm ....

Fran, this dress is going
to be fabulous on you.

Oh, Stu, you are like
a fairy godfather.

All I said was that I was
in the mood for a Big Mac

and you got me a Bob Mackey.

Please don't mention it.
I love spoiling you.

Oh, well, if it gives you pleasure.

Hey, I saw a pair of shoes at Bergdorf
that would make you ecstatic.

I'll see you tonight. Okay.

Have you told anyone that
you're going to Streisand?

Well, just my mother, but she'll let
the greater tri-state area know.

Okay, see you later, Stu.
Goodbye, kitten.

Kitten?

Oh ....

Niles, I told you to cut the tops of
your shoes out like my father does.

Only if I can have
the powder blue socks

and Bermuda shorts to
complete the look.

Oh, I had such a wonderful time with Stu.
I feel just like Cinderella.

Hm, only in this case,
there's an evil stepdaughter.

Where the hell are they?
I can't believe they're not back yet.

Who?

The swallows. Capestrano.

Check on it, Niles.

Miss Babcock, you don't have a problem
with me spending time with your father, do you?

No, Miss Fein, please.
I couldn't care less.

Oh, good, because if they get married,
Miss Fein will be your new Mummy.

Can you believe she fainted?

Oh, God, she's gonna get
lipstick all over the couch.

Miss Babcock. Miss Babcock.

Need some smelling salts?

Brighton, quick,
give me your sneaker.

Well, that woke her up.

Oh, and just when
I was about to slap her.

Oh, quit it, you two.
Don't tease ...

my daughter.

Say, in the will, doesn't
the daughter come after the wife?

I'm kidding.

If I were you, I'd be more concerned
that the daughter would come after the nanny.

Oh, well, I know I'll be
sleeping with one eye open.

Ah, Brighton,
I have to talk to you.

Am I in trouble?
No, I rather think I am.

Great. I have time for this.

Well, you know how much I wanted to
take you to this ballgame.

Oh, you can't make it?
That's no problem.

The thing is ... I'm afraid
I'm just not gonna be able to make it.

Dad, it's like I said. No problem.

I know you're so desperately
disappointed,

but you see, I ... I've been waiting years for
the Theater Guild to invite me to speak and,

you see, they just called, so I ....
Dad! Hello! Did I mention ... no problem!!?

So it's not a problem?
No.

Oh, great.
Then it's not a problem.

Thanks, son.

Oh, I don't believe this.
Mr. Sheffield ...

can I talk to you for just one minute?
I doubt it.

Mr. Sheffield, how can you
not take him to the game?

Can't you see you're breaking
that little boy's heart?

He said it was no problem.
You must have heard him.

Oh, of course, that's what he said.
That's what kids always say.

They're not going to tell their father
when they're dying inside.

They give off signals.
They act morose.

Sometimes they even have
fits of anger.

And, finally, if
they're despondent enough,

they might even be driven
to acts of v*olence.

Ouch!

And that concludes today's
audio visual demonstration.

Look at me, Ma. I look just
like Barbra in "Yentel."

Oh, Fran, this is the most
exciting moment of my life.

Dressing my daughter for
Barbra Streisand.

I thought the most exciting day was
gonna be when you dressed me for my wedding.

Hm. I decided to live for today.

Oy ...
Girl, what's the matter?

Your excitement peeked too early
and now you're depleted?

No, I just don't think
I should be going.

Bite your tongue!
Don't you love Barbra anymore?

Ma, she's our leader.

Ah, I just think Mr. Babcock should be
taking his daughter instead of me.

Miss Babcock doesn't wanna go.

Oh, she's afraid to
reach out to him.

Don't you see? He's a father
looking for a daughter,

she's a daughter looking
for her father.

They're like two trains in the tunnel,
one is the express, one's the local,

going side by side, never meeting up.
I'll tell ya, it's a tragedy.

Fran, look.

Oh, the Barbra Quarterly.
Oh, I love the Barbara Quarterly.

And Fran, look.
Oh, "Color Me Barbra."

Oh, I love "Color Me Barbra."
Ma, don't do this to me.

And Fran, look.
Oh ....

My "On A Clear Day" wig.

Oh, Ma, I used to love this so.
Remember, I'd wear it everywhere.

Even to Uncle Harry's funeral.

Was that in poor taste, Ma?
No. He loved her, too.

So you'll go.
No.

Why not?!!!! I just can't,
Ma, and it's all your fault.

Mine?
Yes, because you raised me too good.

Wasn't it you who said,
"Family comes first"?

Our family, not theirs.

Oh ....

Oh, Niles, there's
someone at the door.

Oh, and I thought another
angel got its wings.

You should do something about your feet.
Oh, perhaps I can chew them off.

I'm thinking more of a visit
to a chiropodist, but ...

as long as you take care of it.

Oh ... oh ....

Oh, just come in!!!!

Good evening, Niles. Sir. I ...
I can't get you anything, can I, sir?

No, no, no.
Maybe just a martini.

Extra dry?
Oh, don't worry.

By the time you get it,
it will be evaporated.

You look stunning!
Just like Audrey Hepburn.

Oh ... too bad
I sound like Selma Diamond.

You ready?

I can't believe
I'm about to say this, but ...

I can't go.

Why not?

Oh, because I'm this
old softy, and well,

I think you should take C.C.

But I want to take you.

All right, let's go.
Fine.

Oh, no, no, no.
I can't, I can't.

"Memories, light the corner of my heart."
Ma, knock it off!

Kitten, this is ridiculous.
C.C. doesn't even wanna go.

Yes, she does, because
she wants to be with you,

but she's afraid to tell you that
she wants to be with you

because she thinks that
you don't want to be with her.

"Misty water colored memories ...."

Ma, ganug already!
You're startin' the twilight bar.

I've tried to reach out to C.C.,
but she pushes me away.

She just doesn't
want to be with me.

She does wanna be with you, but she
needs to know that you want to be with her.

People ....
"People who need people are ..."

Ah, you'll see the concert.

You're very wise. Oh.

Ahhh ...

Daddy!

She also has her mother's timing.

C.C., open this door! Your father
and I are very concerned about you!

Go away!

Open up, young lady!
Niles, run and get a butter Kn*fe.

Oh, why don't we just
starve her out?

Ma, use your nail.
Her nails can open anything

letters, diaries,
my old boyfriend's Chevy.

I never had any privacy as a child.

Got it. Acrylic.

C.C.
I don't wanna talk to you.

All right, I'm comin' in.
Cover me.

Ah, smoking!
Not in my house, young lady.

It's not your house and
it's none of your business.

And while we're having
this little girl talk, I loathe you.

At least you're opening up. Now,
I wanna talk to you about your father.

You have got to stop pushing people away.
I don't push people away.

Excuse me, I'm trying to get
some ash out of your hair.

People misunderstand me. They think
I'm a self-centered, cold-hearted witch.

Is everything all right?

If they're like my Morty,
they could be in there for hours.

You know, Fran was right. I should have
spent more time with C.C. when she was little.

Oh, Miss Fein has this annoying way
of being right about those things.

Yeah, yeah. Meanwhile, if ...
you need another escort for the concert ...

this outfit goes from day to night
with just a few accessories.

I have the Kn*fe.

Oh, that's all right, Niles.
We don't need it now. Mmm ....

The thing is I just don't
know what to do!!!

Oh, there, there.
That's okay.

Okay. Sssh ... ssh.
That's all right.

Hello? Calling next of kin.

Sssh .... Yeah,
here's your daddy.

Here's your daddy.

I have never seen her cry before.
Well, maybe the crash of eighty-seven.

Oh! Ask her to the concert.

I would really love it if ... you would
come with me to the concert tonight.

You would?
Of course he would.

And C.C., I think you are very lucky
to have a friend like Fran.

I know.

She's wonderful. She's gonna
let me wear her dress.

Bye! Have a good time.

Don't forget my Barbra program
and my Barbra t-shirt

and my Barbra mug with
the nose handle!

... Oh ....

Darling, you did a good thing.

An incredibly stupid thing.

Yeah, well, you're the one that had
the doctors use forceps when they delivered me.

The pain you caused me.
I would have let them use the Jaws of Life.

Miss Fein, that was a very lovely
thing you did for C.C.

And I'm about to follow
your selfless example.

Oh, well, good, then you could
be as happy as I am.

Son, good news.

I've cancelled my theater lecture,
so I can take you to the ballgame.

Bad news, Dad.
I made other plans.

But ... but I thought it was
really important to you.

No, I told you I didn't care.
Ah, but you didn't really mean that.

Yeah, I did. I don't know how
I could have made it any clearer.

Well, he did say it was no problem.
Miss Fein!

Don't be disappointed, Dad.
I'll go with you to another game.

The Mets aren't going anywhere.
That's for sure.

"The Way We Were."

That is the best that Barbra
ever sang that song.

I just love her.
I love her more.

I loved her first.
I'll love her last.

Wha? Oh, Ma, listen, Stu says
he's got a surprise for us.

Hello, gorgeous.

Why are we always arguing
about who's her biggest fan?

There's plenty of room in
Barbra's life for both of us.

Now let's continue.

"scattered pictures of the smiles
we left behind ...

smiles we gave
to one another ...

of the way we were."

Don't you just love sitting
around singin' Barbra tunes?