02x01 - Fran Lite

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Nanny". Aired: November 1993 to June 1999.*
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After being fired from her job she is mistakenly hired to care for the family of a widowed Broadway producer.
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02x01 - Fran Lite

Post by bunniefuu »

I'm going to miss you too, sweetie,
but it's the first day of school.

They're going back to school, huh.
Going back to school, huh.

Going back to school, huh,
going back to school, huh.

Going back to school...
Oh, Niles, this sandwich feels a little stale.

Well, I made them in June in
anticipation of this blessed event.

Fran? Hey, Fran.
Hi, honey. What? What?

How do I look? Gorgeous, always.
Oh, wait. Oh, my God.

Look how tall you got.
I can hardly reach.

Oh, my God. I got too tall?
What am I going to do?

Well, somebody's got to clean
the Statue of Liberty. Shut up, Brighton.

Honey, you're gorgeous, don't worry.

In high school they stopped
making fun of the tall girls.

It's the girls with BO
that's gotta worry.

Sorry I'm late. I was on the phone with
my therapist. I had the unicorn dream again last night.

Now, these shrinks, they read
something into everything.

Honey, a unicorn is nothing more
than a big horse with a long...

if you need therapy,
I need to be committed.

All right, children,
the limo's waiting. Time to go.

All right. You heard your father.
Scram.

Woops!

First day of school already.
Summer just flew by.

Spoken by a man who did not
see the "Lion King" times.

Home alone. No more Pog.

No more Mighty Morphin Power Rangers,
and alas, no more Nintendo.

What happened to the Nintendo?

Well, I accidentally pounded it
repeatedly with a meat mallet.

Niles, you couldn't have thought
of that two months ago?

Oh, Niles, look, ESQUIRE came out
with their most eligible bachelor list.

Oh, they retired Jon Jon.

You know, no offense to Daryl,
but, if you recall,

Caroline found happiness
with a Schlossberg.

Jackie found happiness
with a Templesman.

Maybe Jon Jon should have stopped
by a few Hadassah meetings.

Oh, look, Mr. Sheffield's
moved up to third place.

Oh, yeah, oh, say hello
to bachelor No. .

Oh, not you too.
Why?

I've been bombarded all morning
with FAX's and telephone calls

women who want to date me, women
who want to have my children.

And this one wants to ...
oh, good God!

I'll follow-up on that one, sir.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
I think it's an honor.

Look, you're right behind Prince Edward
and the former Mayor Cotch.

I'll tell you, just my opinion,

but if those two ever met,
you could move straight up to No. .

I don't want to be No. , Miss Fine.

I don't want to be
on the damn list at all.

I'm a widower for God sakes,
not a bachelor.

And the difference would be?

Well, a bachelor makes you
think of dancing till dawn,

champagne for breakfast,
and black satin sheets.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, too bad
we never met in a past life.

Miss Fine, I'm quite
content with my life.

I have my family;
I have my work.

Well, you know what they say.
All work and no play makes a man ...

Rich enough to pay our salaries.
All right.

Play time's over.
Make some money. Yeah.

Look, Miss Fine, I appreciate
your concern, I really do,

but I'm just not ready
to date yet. All right.

Oh, fine, I didn't bring it up.
I just came in for a fruit.

Oh, I'll tell you,
it just makes me so sad.

Here it is five years later, and he still
feels like he'd be cheating on his wife.

It's a classic widower syndrome.
Very astute, Miss Fine. "Oprah"?

"Courtship of Eddie's Father."

You know, I never thought I'd say this,
but I kind of miss the kids.

Shut up, Brighton.
I'm over it.

We're home.
Hi. How was your first day back?

Oh, I love school. They opened
a coffee shop across the street,

and they only hired really
cute college guys.

And for this, your father
pays seven grand?

Was it directly across
the street or catty-corner.

Fran, I love second grade. The conversations
on the monkey bars were so stimulating.

Oh... Some of life's best moments are spent
hanging from your knees with your skirt over your head.

I hate junior high.
I'm never going back.

Oh, now, don't panic.
It's just the first day.

Oh, he'll go back.
He will go back, won't he?

Well, if he doesn't,
we'll have to hire a tutor.

And then he'll be home
all the time. Brighton ...

Brighton, honey, you want to
talk about it? No.

Okay ...

On the other hand, I think I'd feel too
guilty cashing my paycheck this week.

Come on, B, I'm your nanny.
You can talk to me about anything.

Except computers, those things
throw me into a tailspin.

Never mind. It's too embarrassing.

Honey, you're talking to a woman whose
underpants fell off in the middle of Bloomingdales.

Really? What did you do?

I kicked them down to the land
comb counter and kept on walking.

Well, there are just some things
a girl wouldn't understand.

I'm not a girl.
I'm a nanny.

Anything you say goes
no further than this room.

I'm like a priest.
Well, not exactly a priest

because priests are celibate,
and I'm ...

actually, I could be a priest.

No, not with that Nehru collar.
I like a nice scooped neck, a "V,"

off the shoulder's nice,
all good for me, but a Nehru, no ...

All right, all right,
I'll tell you.

We were in the locker room after gym ...

And?

Fran, I'm smaller than everyone else.

Smaller? How?

Just forget it.
It's too humiliating.

Well, what could be so humiliating
about being smaller in the locker room?

Mr. Sheffield, I'm sorry to bother
you, but we've got a problem.

And boy, you are never going
to guess this one.

Just make it short.
You ...

You guessed.

Niles, do you need to
speak with me as well?

Oh, no, sir. I simply wanted to be
here in person for this one.

Brighten was in gym class,
and, well, when he looked around,

compared to all the other
boys, he is small.

Small?

You know, like in petite...

pequito...

Girkin.

Oh ...

And the poor guy's really upset.
What are we going to do?

Yes. Cee Cee, would you excuse us.
I have to have a word with Miss Fine.

If I go, he goes.

Yes, of course. Niles.

What did I do?

Niles ...

Well, now you've ruined
it for everybody.

So ...
So ...

Brighten, huh? Are you sure?
But he has such big feet.

I suppose I'll just have to sit him down
and have a man-to-man talk with him.

Either that or buy
him a really big car.

Brighten...
Yeah, Dad?

I think we should have
a little talk.

I mean not a little talk.

Well, it might it might, start out
little, but get big later.

Not that a ... not that a big talk is
necessarily any better than a a little talk.

The size of the talk is
really not important.

Any questions so far?

Have you seen my Nintendo?

Val, can you put my hair
brush in your purse?

I can if you carry my Mace.
Put your Mace in your pocket.

I got my Totes rain hat in there.

Well, if you put on your Totes rain hat,
you're not going to need the Mace.

Oh, Val, look at him sitting
there alone like a dog.

Yeah, meanwhile, we're going to
miss the No. bus.

But how is it possible? I mean
he's handsome; he's young ...

all right, he's , but he's
a nice man, a good catch, true?

True.

Ladies, please, I am not
in the cone of silence.

Val, your voice travels.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, come with us.

No, really. It's,
it's very generous of you.

But I, I have a full
evening planned.

It will give me a chance
to finish the book.

Oh, Webster's, let me
know how it ends.

Well, all right, then, I can
spend the evening with ...

Maggie! We'll go to Rufflemeyers and ...

... have great big sundaes with nuts
and bananas, what do you say?

Well, it's kind of
the first day of school.

I was going to meet up with some kids
and have some actual fun. Oh.

Bye.

Come on, Mr. Sheffield,
come with us.

It's supposed to be
a really great club.

No, I already told you,
I'm not ready to date.

What date? We're just
three friends sharing a cab,

or in this case, your limo.

What does he know from clubs?
Excuse me.

Studio , Anabells, Tramps,

Maxwell Sheffield was there.

Oh, you hear that, Val?
He got down, he got funky.

Ladies, to the limo.

But who's going to hit on us
if we're with a guy?

Oh, just let me
take care of that.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
I'm so happy that you're coming.

You're really going to have
a wonderful time.

Oh, just one last thing: You don't know us;
we've never seen you before,

and I might have to tell
a few people that you're gay.

Oh, is this a great club or what?

We haven't been inside yet.
Oh, we never get inside.

You get inside?

Val ...

Oh, Fran, there's a cute guy over
there checking you out.

Where? Where?

Oh, he is cute.

I think you're losing it.

I wonder why.

Oh, sorry, forgot.

Don't even know you.

Oh, my God, is that Alec Baldwin?

No, I think it's Billy.
Wait, I think it's Daniel.

Oh, it's Steven.

Maxwell Sheffield?

Yes.

Please, please, follow me.

Oh, my God, we're getting in.
And you didn't want to bring him.

Excuse me. Are they with you?

No, don't know them.
Never saw them.

Perfect strangers.
Mr. Sheffield ...

Oh, and I might be gay ...

Want a jelly donut? Sure, why not?

You know, I'm going to write
those people at Exxon a letter.

They do a beautiful restroom.

Whoever cleaned that toilet should be
sent straight to Prince Edward Sound.

Here he is. Mr. Sheffield,
we're over here.

Fantastic club. You can't even
move on this dance floor.

So what do the two of you think?

It's like nothing we've
ever seen before. Ever.

I met the most incredible woman.
Get out of here. You met someone?

Yeah. Just, just wait here.
I want you to meet her.

Can you believe he met someone?

I'm wearing the Wonder Bra,
and he gets lucky?

I wonder who she is.
Oh, you know, he's so naive.

I just hope he doesn't come
walking out with Rue Paul.

Val, Fran, this is Leslie.

Love the coat. Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, my God.

He's a sprocket.

Niles, have my chauffeur bring
the limo around, would you?

I'm taking Leslie out to
a gallery opening in Soho,

then on to dinner
and dancing at Matches.

The man's got a life, and I don't.
It's a world gone mad.

So what is the mystery woman like?
Well, she's got a lot of hair.

She wears a lot of makeup
and and very flashy clothes.

All in all, I'd say it was
a very attractive package.

Oh, I'll get it.

Niles, you know, you don't have
to keep announcing that.

It's your job. Believe me,
no one's going to horn in on you.

Hello.

What?

Nothing, ah ...

just stay right here until
I go get Miss Babcock.

Mr. Sheffield, Leslie's here.

Take your time.

Come on. Come, come, come,
come, come, come, come.


Niles, what is so damn important?

Hi.

Good God, it's multiplying.

I'd like you to meet Miss Babcock.

This is Mr. Sheffield's
business partner. This is Leslie.

I love your hair. Who does your color?

Oh, it's natural.

Well, I think it's very distasteful
of Maxwell to be dating so soon.

Isn't a decade the standard
period of mourning?

Die and let's find out.

Some house, huh?

Boy, when I first came here from Queens,
I never thought that I'd ever have a house this big.

Tell me about it. When I left Brooklyn
and became a C.P.A.,

wouldn't you know I had (inaudible).

Oh, I hear ya.

Niles, would you ice this and put it
in the limo? Oh, certainly, sir.

That's a good man.
Oh, excuse me, sir.

If you don't mind my asking,

doesn't Miss Leslie
remind you of someone?

Oh, so you noticed it too.
Well, it is rather obvious, sir.

Yes, she is a dead ringer
for Connie Selica.

She ... she is pretty unique,
isn't she, Niles?

Whatever you say, sir.

Oh, oh, careful there, man.

Oh! Thank you, sir, yes. You see,
I should have used my oven mitt

instead of this somewhat
inferior substitution.

But I didn't realize I wanted my oven
mitt until I saw them together.

And then I understood that of course
my oven mitt is exactly what I wanted,

and goodness gracious it was
under any nose the entire time.

Good, glad you found it.

It's easy for you to get sale shoes.
You're a double "A" width.

No, I'm really a "B,"
but for percent off,

I'll hold my toes like this.

Stop it.
You stop it.

Leslie, darling, I'm sorry
to keep you waiting.

I hope you two found something
to talk about. Uh-huh ...

Well, shall we?
Sure.

But I just can't sit backwards
in the limo. I get nauseous.

Oh, well, there's pepto
in the mini-bar. Smile.

Oh, I forgot to put the thingie on.
Now they're going to have red eyes.

Oh, boy, are they
a great couple or what?

Boy, if they're not met
to be together, who is?

Miss Fine, doesn't Miss Leslie
remind you of someone?

What am I, a radish? That hair,
those clothes, that voice.

She's a dead ringer for Audrey Hepburn.

Ma, Shirley Bassie? I don't know.

, .

She goes up and down.

Hi, guys. Oh, hi, honey.
How was school today?

Great, lots of fun.
There is so much to learn.

Ma, I gotta go be a nanny. Bye.

What the hell is wrong with him?

He seemed perfectly normal.

I reiterate. What the hell
is wrong with him?

Mr. Sheffield thinks their talk
went rather well.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield thinks Cee Cee goes
horseback riding for the exercise.

Smell Brighten's gym shirt.

I don't smell anything.
Exactly.

And if anyone knows what a sweaty
man smells like, it's me.

Brighten did not go to gym class today.
Very impressive, Miss Fine.

Well, you don't watch eight years of
"m*rder She Wrote" without
walking away with something.

Brighten Sheffield, you cut class today.
I am very disappointed in you, young man.

I just said that in case
the intercoms were on.

Now, come on, you got a problem.
Let's talk about it.

I told you you couldn't understand.

Honey, I wouldn't understand?
My home room was Mc Donalds.

Come on, let's deal with it.
How?

Even if I grow another foot, I'll still
be smaller than most of the guys.

Another foot? What kind of school is this?

In grade school I was the big sh*t.
Fifth graders feared me.

Now in junior high, I'm a walking
wedgie waiting to happen.

Oh, now I'm getting the picture.

They're all bigger than you,
not bigger than you.

Honey, this I can handle.
Sweetie, you're only .

Most boys don't sh**t up until
after their bar mitzvah.

But I'm not getting bar miktzvah.

Huh, I hope it still works.

Honey, if it's any consolation to you,
given time, this will no longer be a problem.

Some day you're going to be a senior,
and you're going to be bigger
than all the other kids,

and you'll remember how you felt today.
When you walk down the hallway,

you'll see some puny seventh grader,
and you'll give him a little shove.

Thanks, Fran.

Just one more thing:

When you said, "This I can handle,"

what did you think I was talking about?

Oh, exactly what you said, that
you're shorter than everyone else.

Although your father was
off on some wacko jag.

Looking for someone ...
Niles, you scared me.

Put a bell around
your neck, would you?

You wanted him to have a life.

Yeah, well, it's : ,
and he's got work tomorrow.

Well, you said he should have fun.

: o'clock is having fun.

: o'clock is already I don't need
another kid to take care of.

And there's absolutely no one
else she reminds you of?

Oh, here he comes.
Stop yacking and act natural...

Niles, who is it?
Oddly enough, it's Mr. Sheffield.

Oh, back so soon.
Did you have a good time?

Well, you know, pleasant enough.
Oh, you didn't like her?

Gee, I thought her charm was
only exceeded by her beauty.

Well, she had a certain
way about her.

There was just something missing.
Humm ...

Like ordering champagne and
getting ginger ale.

You know, they look alike but
don't make you feel the same.

Too bad. She was going to fix
me up with her boss ...

English, handsome, rich.

All right, he's got a couple of kids,
but I could learn to live with that.

Well, maybe next time. But I do
want to thank you, Miss Fine.

For what? Well, for getting
me out in the world.

I mean Leslie may not be the one,
but, well, at least you made me realize

that perhaps I don't have to live
the rest of of my life alone.

Oh, good night, Mr. Sheffield.
Pleasant dreams, Miss Fine.

Yeah, well, if I'm lucky, I'll have
that one about the unicorn.

I don't smell anything.
Exactly,

now if there's one thing I know,
it's what a smelly man ...

woopsie.

If anyone knows what
a swelly man smells ...

I'm sorry.
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