02x03 - Everybody Needs a Bubby

[bunniefuu]

My teacher told us about
the comet that hit Jupiter.

It exploded like
a million atom bombs.

That couldn't happen
to earth, could it?

Didn't you hear?

Well, next year
around your birthday,

this giant comet
will obliterate us.

Why do you think
we're living like this?

Dad's spending all
his money because...

we're all going to die.

Hello, sweetheart.

Boy, your sister's in good
voice today. How's it going?

Same old, same old.

Ma, get out of the taxi.

It's a spring in the dog's neck.

What are you so fascinated about?

Yi, Leave me alone. I like to
sing along in the theather.

Ma, it wasn't a musical.

Oh, you should have seen her
in "Shindler's List."

She was snapping her fingers and
singing away, "Papa, can you hear me?"

Meanwhile, the show in my head was
better than that crap we just saw.

So how was the theater, ladies?
Wonderful.

Thank you for the tickets.
Meanwhile, my feet are k*lling me.

Ma, those aren't your shows.

Oh, I kicked off my shoes
in the theater.

These must be the lady's
sitting next to me.

And you just put them on?
You don't even look down?

Sweetheart, I haven't seen
my feet in years.

Whose rain coat is this?

Oh, I'll tell you, it's a miracle
we got to Blimpy's without them
throwing a net over us.

Come here, son. Give grandma a hug.

Harder.

Squeeze me.

All right, Yetta, okay. You should
have seen her at Chip and Dales.

Her entire social security check
went down a G-string.

Well, lucrative as that sounds,
I really have to get back to work.

Oh, hi, kids. Look who I brought home
with me, Ma and you remember Grandma Yetta?

Hi.
My little pitzalaughs.

Oh, they're all their father.
They got nothing from you.

Ma, these are not Fran's children.
Fran doesn't have any children.

She's not married.
She's all alone.

Louder, mom, I don't think
they heard you in Uruguay.

More importantly, why doesn't
anyone ever eat these fruit?

Because they're wax.

Even the grapes?

Fran, she's gonna to drive me
to the looney bin.

I got news for you, Ma,
you're already there.

You guys argue a lot.
Oh, no, we don't, honey.

It's just that we're all so very different.
It's hard to believe we're from the same family.

Oh, wait a minute, Ma.
You got a little smutz over there.

Hold on. You got some mascara.

Hold it. Whose purse is this?

Let me see that.
Boy, today's your lucky day, Ma.

The purse matches the shoes.

Okay, kids, get ready for supper.
Say good-bye. All right. Bye, everyone.

Bye.
Good-bye, my darling.

Nice kids. Meanwhile,
they don't say two words.

Who could get two words in with you?

Ma, don't wind me up.
Don't hit Nanna. What are you an animal?

Don't talk to your mother like that.

Well, all good things must
come to an end. Bye, Ma;

bye, Grandma Yetta.
We'll go to the theater again soon.

Maybe next time
you could pick up a hat.

Didn't you tell her?
What?

Sweetheart, they're tenting
the retirement home for termites.

Oh, fun. So you're going to go
stay with Ma? Sort of.

Sort of like ultra-suede
is sort of washable

or sort of like you're
sort of a Size ?

Well, I am in the United Kingdom.
Ma...

No. Sort of like maybe
she could sort of stay with you.

Here? Ma, why can't
she stay at your place?

No. I don't want to be
a burden on family.

These people I don't know.

Maxwell, have I ever told you how much
I love working out of the house?

I feel I belong here.

And the children are really
warming up to me.

Hello.

No, there's no Maggie here.
You have the wrong number.

Excuse me, Cee Cee.
My daughter, Maggie. Oh...

Hello. Oh, Greg, listen,
you do know Maggie has her own line, don't you?

Yeah, well, that's quite all right.

Well, I'm very glad you like her.

Yeah, and I'm thrilled
she drives you crazy.

Yeah, keep going Greg, and you'll
never see her again. Good-bye, Greg.

Knock, knock.
Yes, Miss Fine, what is it?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you just gotta
indulge me here a minute.

You're not going to believe it. My grandmother's
retirement home is infested with termites,

and my mother came up with
the bright idea ...

get ready for a loo loo ...

that she should come stay
here with us. Ma ...

I know ... I know.
She's a borderline clepto.

We wouldn't have a candy dish
left in the house.

Oh, well, I'll go tell my mother
that she's not staying.

Well, at least we know
where she gets it.

Well, you know, Miss Fine, sometimes
you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.

What's so funny, poking fun
at a little old lady?

What's that, that British humor
that nobody gets?

Well, Miss Fine, you, you just
said yourself she was a clepto.

Yeah, well, I'm allowed.
She's my clepto.

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you,
but can't she stay with your mother?

No. The big cats can't share a cage.

Don't back down, Maxwell. We don't need
some old crone running around the house.

Yes. We are crone heavy, sir.

Although with two, we'd have a set.

Never mind, Mr. Sheffield. I'll just take
her to one of those -hour markets,

let her squeeze fruit
for a couple of days.

All right, look, Miss Fine. I'll,
I'll put her up at the St. Regis Hotel.

How's that, huh? She'll have room service,
everything, fit for a queen.

You can't insult family like that.

Me you can send, I got thick skin.

Besides, I think that it's good for children
to spend time with their grandmother.

She's not their grandmother.

Oh, all right. You tell her.
She stays alone like a dog in that home.

Fine. Let her stay.
As a matter of fact,

I want her to stay.
She can have the master bedroom.

Oh, no. With that marble tub, she'll slip,
break her hip, you'll have a lawsuit on your hands.

Miss Fine!

Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield,
Thank you so much.

And I promise you won't even
know that she's here.

Franny, can I sit outside in
my brassiere? Will anyone see?

Miss Fine, are you aware of this?

Yeah, "Body Heat," with William Hurt
and Kathleen Turner,

before her little side trip
to Pepperidge Farm.

Maggie is only years old.

She's much too young to be
watching movies this racy.

Oh, you call this racy? You obviously never
saw "The Postman Always Rings Twice."

Oh, when he cleared
that table, hoooha.

Where is she anyway?

I mean is she ever coming back from
this date, or has she just moved out?

Relax. She's been back for an hour.

Oh, really?
I didn't hear her come in.

Well, I didn't say she came in.

Leave them alone. Leave them alone.

What are they doing?

Nothing, nothing,
all four hands are visible.

One, two, three ... here comes four.
Here comes four.

How much time does he need already?
They just went on the date for heaven sakes.

He's not leaving for the Crimean w*r.
Oh, Mr. Sheffield.

Hello, children.
Good-bye, Greg.

I can't believe you did that.
I have never been so embarrassed in my life.

Oh, really? Not even when
you were watching "Body Heat"?

You went in my room?
Have you ever heard of privacy?

How would you like it if
I went through your stuff?

Oh, don't bother.
He locks everything.

I don't ever want you
seeing that boy again.

You can't stop me. Oh, oh, oh.
Watch this. You're grounded.

I hate you. Well, that's tough.

You forgot to stick your tongue out.
Well, you might have backed me up a little.

Me? The Pips can't back you up.

What's all the commotion?
He went through my things.

Oh, honey, I know just how you feel.

At the home, they ransack your room two,
three times a month looking for cake.

Come, we'll talk. Don't fight
in front of the kids. Ow!

Ow!

See how sensitive Yetta is.
She'll be a great influence on Maggie.

You want a cigarette?

Good morning, Niles.
Uh-huh.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, it's very disturbing to see
Mr. Sheffield and Miss Margaret fight.

Oh, that was a fight? I hate you,
who cares, and, now.

In my house the fight ain't over until
the fat lady grabs the ginzo and says,
"Here, cut my heart out."

We never say a cross word
in our family.

We just die very early
of colon disorders.

Good morning, everyone.
Good morning.

Niles, tea.

What on earth is that?

Grandma Yetta says this tea bag still
has seven cups left in it.

My Bubba Yetta doesn't
like to waste anything.

If food is moldy, it's a vaccine.
Ha, ha.

Oh, come on, lighten up. You going to be
this way when Maggie comes down?

If I ever talked to my father
the way she talked to me,

I'd have been throttled within an inch of
my life and thrown in the root cellar.

Why do you always have to take
me to Oliver Twist land?

Do you know how many times
I told my father I hated him?

Yeah. And how did he react?
Oh, who the hell knows.

He couldn't hear a damn thing over
that Bonanza theme blasting in the background.

Good morning, Margaret.

Daddy, I'm sorry
I said I hated you.

Bubba Yetta said you only have
one father, and she's right.

Well, I'm sorry too.

And you were going to tell her
that she's not grounded anymore.

You almost forgot that part.

Ah, yes, I was going to say that.
What she said.

Well, Miss Fine, it seems
I underestimated your booby.

That's bubby. No one's ever
underestimated my booby.

You know, Dad,
it's a real pretty day.

Greg asked if I could go
on a picnic. May I?

Well, Margaret, I don't think ...

that sounds like a good idea.

So long as you're back by : ...
: ... : ...

Thanks, guys.

Have a wonderful time and don't do
anything that I forgot I did.

Oh, don't worry. I had a long
conversation with Yetta. Good.

You know, Yetta turned out
to be pretty cool.

You know, she gave me a hundred
bucks for my bar mitzvah.

Of course she also thinks
my name is Smuey.

Something smells.
Just eat it.

No. Like something's burning.

Seems to be coming from upstairs.
Oh, my God. Yetta.

I can't believe she would be smoking in bed,
not after that Circle motel went up in ...

never mind.
Yetta, Yetta, stand back.

Oh ...

Ah. Well, I was right.
She was smoking.

Oh, my God. Yetta ...

What a coincidence. Saul said
the same thing not ten minutes ago.

What the devil's burning?
Oh, God.

Oh, Saul, I ruined your bagel.

Oh, no, no.

You can just scrape off the top.
It's still good.

Miss Fine. What did you
do with all the cream cheese?

Thank you, Miss Fine.

Thank you for bringing
this influence into my home.

Well, you know, Mr. Sheffield, it's really
kind of sweet if you think about it.....

Are you out of your mind?

This is the Sheffield home.
No one ever has sex in this house.

This, this is the woman you let give
my daughter advice about sex?

Well, at least you know
the advice was current.

Margaret ...
Oh, Miss Margaret just left, sir.

Oh, good morning, Ms. Rosenberg,
Mr. Kanazel.

What? You knew about this?
Yes. My room is directly beneath theirs...

Bravo...

I, I just can't believe
I gave Maggie permission to go.

She's just a little girl.
Well, now, don't get all upset.

We don't know what Yetta told her.

Told who?
Maggie.

I told her we could all die
tomorrow. Go for it.

Go for it?
All right. Now you could be upset.

I hold you completely
responsible for this.

Why? What did I do?
She's your grandmother.

Oh, we don't know that for sure.
Some woman comes walking out of Europe

with a dining room table strapped to her back.
She could be anybody's relative.

What?

Good night, Niles.
It is now.

Oh, Niles, dear sweet pompous Niles.

Maxwell and Nanny Fine are on the outs,
and there is nothing

you can say to ruin
this glorious feeling I have.

You want a bet?

Grandma Yetta, aged ,

living in a home, got a heap of
good loving last night.

And you?

I hate my life.

Thank you.

Niles.
Oh, the coast is clear, Miss Fine.

Oh, boy, here she is now.
Devil with the blue hair on.

What? What? What? What? What?
Franny,

you left your wallet right
on top of your dresser. So?

Thank you.

Franny, I know
it's none of my business.

But it might help your marriage if you
got rid of that blond your husband's
always hanging around with.

I don't know if you noticed,
but your kids are blond.

They're not my kids.
He's not my husband.

Oy, she couldn't have spaced out
like this with Mr. Sheffield.

No, with him, she could recall
things from the womb.

All I'm saying is that
a blond like that

with big shoulder pads dragged
off your grandfather.

That was a Cossack.

Hi, Grandma Yetta.
Oh, come here, angel puss.

So, how was your day?

Great. I'm not worried
about the end of the world.

I'm going to live life to the fullest.
That a girl.

What did I tell you?
Go for it.

Go for it? I thought you
told that to Maggie?

That's not Maggie?
No. That's grace.

Now I'm confused.

Grace is the little one;
Smuey is the boy;

and the tall one is Maggie.

Hot pants? Tell her to go for it?

What am I, senile? Your husband
would throw me out of the house.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, here you are.

What are you doing out here?
Waiting for Maggie?

No. I just have a game of stoop
ball in five minutes.

Where is she?
Well, I've got good news for you.

Remember when we thought that Grandma Yetta
told her to go for it with Greg? Yeah.

Well, we were wrong.
Oh, thank God.

She told Gracie.
Oh, much better. She's only seven.

And here I thought
the woman was a kook.

Anyhow, Margaret still isn't home.

Well, you know, it was a picnic.
These things have to go at their own flow.

You have to eat. Then my mother always
says you have to wait at least an hour

before you do strenuous physical
activity ... like Frisbee.

Please, Miss Fine,
I'm just not in the mood.

Gee, no man's ever said
that to me before.

Although I'm sure Lisa Marie is
getting an ear full of it.

Come on, Mr. Sheffield, has Maggie ever
given you a reason not to trust her?

Yes. And they all coincided
with your arrival.

Suddenly she wants to go kissing boys and
going off to parties and concerts and things.

Who does she think she is?
A teenage girl?

Um, oh, Miss Fine, I'm her father.
I just want to protect her.

I know. But sometimes you're just
going to have to sit on your hands

and let them grow up.
What if she grows up wrong?

Well, you've still got Smuey
and the little one.

Come on, Mr. Sheffield.
Don't be her enemy.

Oh, no, of course not.
That's the last thing I want to do.

Thanks, Greg.
She's home.

How long does it take a picnic, huh ...
Oh, now, now, now. You see,

you're getting
all wound up again.

Just calm down. Don't let her
think that you were worried.

In fact, why don't you just go upstairs.
Go ahead. But I ...

I'll be up in a minute.
Trust is a good thing.

Trust is character building.

Go ahead. I'll take care of everything.

Everything's fine.......

Where the hell have you been?
Do you know what time it is?

Your father was so worried,
I had to send him to bed.

Fran, we didn't do anything.
Greg and I decided to cool it.

Why? I mean, good.

I'm just not ready yet.

Besides, do you think I'd get into any serious
stuff without talking to you first?

Oh, well, I thought
you talked to Yetta.

Yetta? Please, I zoned out
somewhere around buying a cow

and you can get the milk for free.
Oh, yep, yep, yep. That sounds like her.

Well, it should take you a good long
while to get that image out of your head.

And in the meantime, let me tell you something
that's a little more hip and a little more happening.

Don't do a thing
if you ain't got that ring.

Doowap, doowap, doowap.

Oh, I just love that Mike Meyers
doing that coffee-talk thing.

That clip lady is so funny.

Oh, please. Who talks like that?

And that big hair ...

I think it's very stereo typical.