01x06 - The Vending Machine

[bunniefuu]

(COINS CLATTERING)

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

(MACHINE STOPS WHIRRING)

Oh, uh, hey, Val. There's something
wrong with this old machine here.

I think it might be broken.

(GASPS) That's more than
an old machine, Double T.

I told you, her name's Vendy.

Right. Forgot it, uh, has a name.

- She has a name.
- Of course, right, yes.

Fritz named her.

She's as much a MIFTer as any of us.

And a little moody sometimes.

So, all you gotta do is say,
"Hi, Vendy!" Like that.

Oh, okay. Sure. Uh, hi, Vendy.

Good. Now bump the left
side with your fist.

Bump-bump-bump.

Then wait a b*at, big bump.

Bump-bump-bump, wait a b*at, big bump.

- Got it. Okay. Thanks.
- Yep.

CUTTER: Don't bump too hard.

Few years back, Nathan in
marketing shook her and bam!

Squashed him like a bug.

He's an invertebrate, he was okay.

And we got free candy, so, heh...

Oh, well, it's good to hear
you got free candy.

(CHUCKLES) Okay, Vendy, here we go.

Uh...

Bump-bump-bump, wait
a b*at, and big bump!

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

- Oh, no!
- Hey!

- (VAL GASPS)
- That doesn't sound good.

What'd you do?

Jumping gaskets!
What's wrong with Vendy?

I don't know. I just bumped it.

- CUTTER: No!
- FRITZ: No, no, no!

Ooh!

(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)

- (BUZZING STOPS)
- Like I said, I think it's...

broken.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SAD INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Today, we mourn the passing

of another very special member of
our MIFT family, Vendy. (SOBBING)

We're having a funeral
for a vending machine?

Not just any vending machine.

Vendy and I began our careers
here at Monsters, Inc.

on the very same day.

Me, an ambitious young mechanic.

Vendy, a machine with a dream
of dispensing chilled drinks

at an inflated price
because of the convenience.

She was worth it!

(SOBBING)

FRITZ: She wouldn't want us to cry.

But instead, to celebrate her life.

(SOBBING)

VAL: Vendy, no!

(FRITZ AND VAL SOBBING)

My dear Vendy, she's gone.

Old and broken.

Gets you to thinking.

Maybe I'm old and broken, too.

Thanks, Haggis, we'll pay you

out of the miscellaneous
expense account.

(FRITZ CONTINUES SOBBING)

- (SIGHS) This is my fault.
- No, it's not.

Sure it is.

He's the one that jammed his
freakishly oversized antler

right through Vendy.

You're better at breaking things
than you're at fixin' 'em.

First Vendy, now Fritz.

(FRITZ SOBBING)

Look at that. Would you, Sulley.

With your excellent management
skills and my comedic prowess,

our profits are up, up, up.

Actually, profits are down, down, down.

Mike, the jokesters
are doing their best,

but laugh canister output has
been decreasing for a week.

Right, but at least with me
and Sulley in charge,

morale has never been higher.

Morale has never been lower!

Maybe your graph-thingie is upside down.

No, my graph-thingie is correct.

I'll tell you why morale's down,
it's all of these depressing charts.

Mike, we're not generating
enough laugh power.

- MIKE: What?
- Until we do,

we gotta figure a way to cheer
folks up and trim our budget.

Right. I'll tell you what.

At lunch, I will only play
holes, instead of all .

I'm willing to make that sacrifice.

Mr. Wazowski, we're gonna have
to make deeper cuts than that.

FRITZ: Trim my staff?

Sounds like you're asking me

to involuntarily remove
someone from their job.

Are you doing that?

- It's Bean from accounting. Budget cuts.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Fritz has to fire one of us.

- What?
- One of us is gonna get fired?

I prefer the term "axed". Has more bite.

And he has to do it by end
of the week! (SHUSHES)

Here he comes. Act natural.

- (DUNCAN AND VAL HUMS)
- (CUTTER WHISTLES)

DUNCAN: (SINGING) ♪ Essential employee ♪

(SIGHS) Sad sigh.

Uh, you okay, Fritz?

Yeah, you need me to wash your car?
Reupholster your office chair?

- Duncan!
- Be your butler without pay?

No, no, no. I'm fine.

You know, I could really
use a Drooler Cooler.

But Vendy's gone.

A really sad sigh. (SOBS)

Whoa. Bad day to break Fritz's favorite

vending machine, eh, College Boy?

Last in, first out. (CHUCKLES)

TYLOR: (SIGHS) All right.
You heard Duncan.

Don't listen to him.

Why not? He's right.

I'm not a good MIFTer.
I can't even fix anything.

Sure you can, remember?
You wrenched the nut.

One nut, Val. I wrenched one nut.

If I'm fired, that's it. My life's over.

No more chance at being
a jokester. I won't even...

I won't even get to see you guys.

You want me to tell you
how to boost morale?

Yes! Because you're "always watching".

Or is it "always stinking"?
I don't know. Whatever it is.

(GROANS) No more coffee
screamer? What's the point?

How about you approve
your paperwork on time?

That would make me smile.

And I've been told I
have an infectious grin.

- Eeh.
- (WHIMPERS)

- TYLOR: You sure this'll work?
- We'll buy him a Drooler Cooler.

That'll cheer Fritz up,
you won't get fired.

What's wrong with Fritz?

Oh, uh, hey, Mike.

I broke his favorite vending
machine this morning...

- Vendy.
- Yeah, Vendy, yeah.

I broke Vendy this morning and...

And he needs a new one!

That's it! I got two words
for ya, "upgrades!"

I think upgrades is one word.

The perfect way to boost morale.

And if we boost morale, we boost laughs.

And if we boost laughs,
we boost profits.

And nobody has to be let go.

Except maybe Stinky.

I heard that.

A new vending machine?

Look at that. It even has hot foods.

That's pretty hot.

That's right, sir. I had
it installed just for you.

You had it installed? No, no.
This wasn't Duncan's idea.

Yeah, Val and I were the ones who
gave Mike the idea to upgrade.

- But I approved the delivery.
- No, no.

- VAL: Duncan!
- I don't think I like this.

- DUNCAN: Me neither.
- It's just too soon.

- DUNCAN: Way too soon.
- I miss Vendy.

This was all College Boy's
hair-brained scheme.

What? No! I didn't ask
Mike to send this down.

- You said it was your idea.
- I said it was Mike's idea.

- Upgrades.
- This is clearly all their fault.

- Keep that in mind.
- Hold on.

- VAL: Duncan...
- Nobody trusts you.

- Not my fault.
- You sound ridiculous.

DUNCAN: You're the insane one.
"I'm Tylor Tylor Tylor Tylor".

(CONTINUES ARGUING)

- TYLOR: Stop it.
- I'll take care of it, sir.

Wow! Look at all these refreshing
Drooler Cooler flavors.

I like this!

And it was all my idea!

- Really, Duncan?
- FRITZ: How do I choose?

There's Spineapple! That sounds...

- Whatever you want.
- Taste Free, Bilgeberry.

Maybe I'm just gonna go for Bile Blast.

If you're happy, I'm happy.

FRITZ: Bump-bump-bump. Bitty bump.

(EXCITED GRUNTS)

Oh, my!

(GULPS, GARGLES)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

The acidity's astounding.

I can't feel my tongue, but so what?

Maybe I should've tried the
Lemon Slime instead.

That'd have been even more
delightful and refreshing.

Hey, look, there's an "exchange" button.

- FRITZ: Huh?
- VAL: Right there.

Oh. Jumping gaskets!

Whoa!

Would you look at that?

Bitty bump.

(MACHINE WHIRS)

I can't get over it!
This is really something.

Thank you, Vendy Two. (KISSES)

And thank you all.

You know, I'm having a really rough week

and this makes me feel
a smidgy bit better.

(EXCITED GRUNTING)

You hear that? He thanked
us. We're not getting fired.

No, no. He thanked moi.
I'm not getting fired.

- (INDISTINCT CHEERING)
- Get ready! Bam!

Oozeball? I thought we were
supposed to not spend money.

Sulley, you're not thinking like
an out-of-touch overpaid CEO.

To make money, you gotta spend money.

(INDISTINCT CHEERING)

NEEDLEMAN: No!

- No!
- (GROANS)

- SANDERSON: Goal!
- Yes!

See? Morale's already up.

Okay, we'll keep this one.

Too late, buddy. I already
ordered of 'em.

(CLOCK TICKING)

DUNCAN: He's in there right
now. Going through our files.

Making his decision.

Don't think your little
vending machine trick

will work, College Boy.

You can't snack your way
out of gettin' fired.

Oh, I think I already have.

- Whoa! Hot Snots?
- Hot Snots?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so fast.

No, no, you can't have those.

- Hot Snots are my thing.
- Your thing?

They've been my thing since I was three.

Three? My mom popped those
babies instead of prenatals, okay?

- Explains a lot.
- I win.

- You'll have to find another favorite.
- Seriously? I'm getting them.

- No, you're not.
- Stop it.

- DUNCAN: You stop!
- Mine.

- DUNCAN: No, no, no! Mine!
- Mine!

(INDISTINCT ARGUING)

(MACHINE SHUTS DOWN)

(CHUCKLES) Now you're
definitely getting fired.

You're the one who kept
push-push-pushing. He's f*ring you!

- Fritz is gonna be so upset.
- (SIGHS) Yeah, I better fix this thing.

Whoa, no, no, no. You can't fix
anything, we've established that.

I'll fix it, and you just
stand there and be fired.

Ah, see here... Oh! And... ooh!

(STUTTERS) Says to call an
authorized service center.

Authorized schm-authorized.
That's for amateurs like you.

- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- (YELPS)

Don't touch that yellow wire.

Reroute this to that. Tighten this.
Jiggly this thingie. And boom!

Let's give this thing a try.

(DUNCAN GRUNTS)

There! Good as new. I'll just
get rid of all this stuff.

Wait, wait, wait. What are those?

You know, extra parts.
Bunch of doohickeys.

- VAL: Doohickeys?
- It's not gonna make any difference.

Oh, I think I need another
Drooler Cooler pick-me-up.

I've got a lot on my mind.

- (BEEPS)
- Ooh!

Spittle Splash flavor.
That sounds scrumptious.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

Pop Farts? I don't want Pop Farts.

- (MACHINE ROARS)
- Huh?

- (GRUNTS)
- (DUNCAN SCREAMS)

- BOTH: Are you okay?
- No! I got canned!

There's something very
wrong with that machine!

- (RUMBLING)
- (DUNCAN SCREAMS)

- In my office! Everyone!
- VAL: In your office!

(FRITZ SCREAMS)

(MIKE SIGHS)

Oh, it's like everything and
nothing at the same time.

It just speaks to me. (SNIFFLES)

- What's it say to you, Sulley?
- That we're broke?

Look what else I got.

I bought a Vincent Van
Gross and a Claw Monet.

SULLEY: Is that a Michelfangelo?

Yes! It's culture.

Culture boosts morale.
And morale boosts profits.

Ooh, an Andy Gorhal.
One of his Goop Cans.

Very inspiring!

See? Okay. Now this one...

stinks.

I just don't get this
one. I don't get it.

(CONTINUES RUMBLING)

Doohickeys? You took out doohickeys?

Never remove doohickeys.

I was fixing it because he broke it!

- No! You broke it!
- You!

Let's all remain calm. Because I'm calm.

I'm just gonna call the service center.

(PHONE RINGING)

Vend-o service. Can I help you?

Oh, yes, you can! Our
machine, it's gone crazy!

Calm down, sir. Everything will be fine.

As long as you didn't
remove any doohickeys.

But we did!

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

- (LINE DISCONNECTS)
- Hello? Hello?

The phone line's been cut!

It's cut the phone line! (ECHOES)

DUNCAN: My dearest mother,
I pen this from the front lines.

A vending machine gone rogue
has declared us its foe.

Do not despair, nor
pine for my safe return.

Know that I fought with valor.

Your loving son, Duncan P. Anderson,

MIFT Deputy Supervisor.

TYLOR: Okay, you guys stay here,
I'm gonna go out and fix it.

Whoa, and let you be the hero? No.

Let a good MIFTer save the MIFTers.

(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

(GRUNTS, YELPS)

Oh... Ah-ha!

(CLATTERING CONTINUES)

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

Who's the hero now?

FRITZ: Duncan! Duncan!

Look behind you! (STUTTERS)

- Duncan!
- What?

(SCREAMING)

Let me out of here! (SCREAMS)

It ate Duncan!

Oh, no! Not...

Any body parts left? I
got dibs on an eyestalk.

Here you are. Compliments
of Monsters, Incorporated.

This one is for you. This one
is for you. This one is for you.

This one is for you, my friend.

- Hey, Mike. What's in the envelopes?
- Money.

- Money?
- Money.

- You mean money-money?
- Yeah.

I'm calling it "Free Money Mondays".

I'm tellin' ya, morale
has never been better!

Where'd you get all that cash?

From your emergency money
jar hidden under your bed.

- But...
- This one is for you.

- But...
- This is an emergency, right?

This one is for you, my friend.

DUNCAN: (SCREAMS) Please!
Let me out of here!

We've got to save him!

Okay. How?

- (GASPS) You!
- (STUTTERS) Me?

You may not be the best
MIFTer at fixing stuff,

but you're pretty good at breaking it.

Thanks. I think.

So, get out there and
fix-break Vendy Two.

(DUNCAN CONTINUES SCREAMING)

- Yeah, do your worst!
- VAL: Double T!

Really mess things up!

DUNCAN: Somebody let me out!
It's not as spacious as it looks.

(SCREAMS)

Time to get to work.

- (TYLOR ROARS)
- (YELPS)

Woah, he really would've
made a great Scarer.

FRITZ: Get back!

(expl*si*n)

(DUNCAN PANTING)

I'll never remove a
doohickey again. Ugh!

- Ooh, yeah! Double T! Double T!
- All right!

That was some top-notch
destruction, Muscles!

- That was some good MIFT-ing!
- (WHISTLES)

Come on. Thanks, guys.

It was fine, it was okay. At best.

I, uh...

I've got some news I need
to share with all of you.

"Oozeball tables, fine art,
Free Money Mondays"?

I have more ideas where those came from.

- How about a rooftop swimming pool?
- We don't need a swimming pool.

- A Monsters, Inc. swim team!
- We don't need a swim team.

Then who's gonna use the pool?

Bean, I can explain all this.

Actually, I can't explain any of it.

Hello? What's to explain?
Look at my graph-thingie.

I've never seen morale
turn around this quick.

And our laugh canister output
has already doubled.

Really? Well.

At this rate, profits should
turn around rather quickly.

It was all Mike's doing.
Good job, Mikey.

Aw, thank you. Thank you, Sulley.

(CHUCKLING) No problem.

And did you hear?

Tomorrow's Pay Me Back Tuesday.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Well, accounting has asked me

to cut a member of our MIFT
staff due to budget cuts.

I couldn't bear to see any of you go.

You're my family.

So, just like Vendy was old
and broken and had to go,

I guess I'm old and broken and...

I have to go, too.

- VAL: You're... You mean, you're...
- I'm retiring.

You're retiring! (STUTTERS) I mean...

You're retiring? Oh, sad, sad day.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- Excuse me.

That's probably Monsters Resources
calling about my last day.

This isn't right.

Fritz is the most generous
and kind monster I've ever met.

I'm the one that should go, not him.

No, no. Don't sell yourself
short, College Boy.

As your new supervisor,
I'll go easy on ya.

Good news, good news, everybody!

Morale is up, so productivity is up,

so accounting is cancelling
the budget cups!

- You mean budget cuts?
- Those, too!

- So you can stay?
- I can stay!

- You can stay!
- CUTTER: All right!

But you don't have to! I
mean, are you sure, sir?

I mean, you know, think
about all the gardening, huh?

Travel discounts, the pickle
ball tournaments! Come on!

I'm sure, Duncan. None of us
MIFTers are goin' anywhere.

Though... (SIGHS)

We still lost Vendy.

Morning, MIFTers!

- So, uh, what's up?
- I don't know.

Tylor wouldn't let us
in till you got here.

(KNOCKING)

Come on in. But cover your eyes.

All right. There you go, come on in.

Yeah, yeah. Just over here.
Careful, careful. Okay.

Hold right there. Up, up!
Keep 'em closed.

And open!

Surprise!

- (ALL GASP)
- (TYLOR CHUCKLES)

- FRITZ: Vendy, she's back!
- VAL: Vendy!

Ah! You fixed her!

More like blindly cobbled.

Hey, look, I fixed
something all by myself.

And I kept all the doohickeys.

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

Well, give it a try,
Ty-Ty. Give it a try!

Hi, Vendy!

(COIN CLATTERING)

Bump-bump-bump, big bump!

(WHIRS)

(CHUCKLES)

One Drooler Cooler!

Who needs all those fancy flavors

when I've got Drooler Cooler Classic?

- (KISSES)
- And we get to keep classic Fritz.

Goodness, I feel just like Vendy,

all fixed up and ready to work
here at MIFT for years to come!

Wouldn't want it any other way, Fritz.

- Cheers.
- CUTTER: Cheers, Big Ears.

DUNCAN: Oh, yeah, cheers. Whatever.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

MIKE: Now, if there's one thing
that human children find funny,

- besides poop, it's clowns!
- (EXCLAIMS)

So let's put on that greasepaint
and see what we got.

Not bad, Tylor. Excellent
use of tiny hats.

Okay. Good, good.

Um, Mr. Wazowski, check this out.

(BLOWS)

- Ta-da! (BLOWS)
- MIKE: Nicely...

done.

Um, maybe scale it back a little,
Carla. Okay, who's next?

Yikes! Okay, big guy. How about a smile?

(GROWLS)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Maybe you're more of a
"knock-knock joke" kind of guy?

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

RUDY: And the moral of the story is...

you never remove a doohickey.