01x10 - iTake a Girls' Trip

[bunniefuu]

Coconut flakes, tuna pouch,

raisins...

Uh-uh, you are not taking
tuna on our road trip.

I'd let you bring a tuna
pouch if I was going.

But you're not.

It's just me, Harper and Brooke.

We're gonna have a girls' weekend.

Normally I would remind you
that we are women, not girls,

but I plan on drinking a pink margarita

in a tiara, so you're good.

What kind of pink we talking about?

Strawberry? Hibiscus? Pink peppercorn?

What? I've been on tons of girls' trips.

They're way better than guys' trips.

They're organized, they're indoors,

and nobody teases you if
you want to drink some rosé.

[BOTH]: Rosé!

I can't wait.

I'm finally gonna go
on my first girls' trip.

I was living in Italy, and
apparently women there

don't go on girls' trips.

'Cause they're in Italy.

When I got back,

I just never found my group of girls.

It was like all the groups
were already taken.

Well, we're putting together
a new group, okay?

The cool, fashionable one.

The smart, sexy one.

The beautiful, spontaneous one.

And you and Brooke.

Do I know Brooke?

Oh, no. We were roommates in college.

She is amazing. Yes.

But let's hurry so we can
b*at that bitch there

before she takes the good bed.

Actually, big surprise.

Since they found out I'm iCarly,

they upgraded us to the party suite.

- Ooh!
- All I have to do is post

a video of us having a fun time.

Which is perfect because I
make videos and you're fun.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Mini birdhouse delivery.

Oh, good, we really needed a seventh.

I know I've been making
a lot, but this one's got

gold leaf wallpaper on the inside.

I say this as someone
who needs a girlfriend.

You need a girlfriend.

Ah, I really do.

I'm sick of just dating fun women

who love sports and brew their own beer

and don't want to commit.

I want something more than that.

I'd be good with... that.

Oh! Inspiration has struck.

Birdhouses for people. Yeah!

Ugh, Spencer's life makes me so sad.

I'm over it. Girls' trip!

Yay, you guys!

Aw, Freddie, you know
what could be fun for you?

Get the bags.

Nothing is gonna stop
us from having fun.

- Oh, my God.
- Hi, Harp.

Maeve? [SHRIEKS]

Oh, my God!

Maeve? Your cousin who
disappeared four years ago?

[LAUGHING] Oh, my God.

No, probably a different one.

♪ I know you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

[TOGETHER] ♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance
unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to
see the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best
and leave the rest to me. ♪

So, after four years at sea,

my kidnappers finally
decided to let me go.

Wait, so were they
kidnappers or pirates?

- I'm super into pirates.
- Freddie's super into pirates.

I just love the word "swashbuckle".

You'd love it a lot less

if you were the one being
swashed and buckled.

Oh, poor Maeve.

Well, the good news
is I'm not mad at you

for ghosting me anymore. [CHUCKLES]

You should probably not read my emails.

None of that matters.
The important thing is

is that I'm here now,
and I'm never traveling

anywhere ever again.

I just want to sit here
with my favorite person.

Well, hey, why don't you come
with us on our girls' trip?

We can sit in the car, and
we can sit in the party suite.

We can sit a bunch of places.

The thought of taking
even a single step...

makes my throat close from stress.

I mean, this sea water
usually calms me down.

It's not working now, though.

Harper, you and Maeve
should just stay here.

Don't worry about me.
Brooke's gonna be there.

[PHONES CHIME]

And Brooke can't go.

Oh, no. Her car was stolen?!

Poor Brooke.

Look, I'll be okay.

I have all sorts of fun ideas.

I heard they have a Tupperware museum,

and I just got a book about candles.

Girl trip!

Ooh...

Freddie, be packed in five minutes.

This isn't gonna be awkward

- with us sharing a room, is it?
- Why would it be?

♪ ♪

This isn't the party suite.

No, it is. "Party of two.

An intimate experience
for lovers in love".

Wow, comes with a couples massage

with five flavors of lotion.

I'll, uh, call the front
desk and have them

switch our room to
something with a little less

pheromones.

[LINE RINGING]

A chocolate drawer?

Freddie, you put that
phone down right now.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay, cousin catch-up time.

- Just me and you.
- Yes. Yes.

Ooh, I'm thirstier than a Kardashian

at All-Star Weekend.

You need anything to drink?

Oh, do you have Sardinian peach nectar?

A glass of water's fine.

Harper, what are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I have a key.

Spencer is supposed
to be babysitting me,

but I use this place for me time
when you and Carly aren't here.

We know this.

No, we don't know this.

Who are you?

Oh, hi, I'm Maeve. I'm Harper's cousin.

The Harper's cousin? You resurfaced?

I have.

And I'm so happy to be
back with Harper again.

- Is this tap?
- You'll be fine.

And I'm so happy, too.

Almost as happy as when
we had Christmas in August.

Yes. And my dad shipped
in all that real snow

from Switzerland because
he said it had a...

[BOTH]: ... better crunch.

- [LAUGHS]
- Aw, that's sweet.

My dad got me a fish named Donut.

It was on sale because
it doesn't swim very fast.

Maeve, I've missed you so much.

I know.

And now that you're back,

I'll never let anyone take you away.

Millicent, what is taking you so long?

You're just supposed
to steal the cookies

and come right back.

Well, hello.

- I'm Spencer.
- I'm Maeve.

I'm Harper's cousin that was kidnapped

and taken to sea.

- Oh.
- So nice to meet you.

- Oh, gee! Oh, my dear.
- Ooh.

I, uh, I guess I haven't
gotten my land legs yet.

Well, lucky for me I got to catch you.

- Yeah, thank you.
- You've had such an ordeal.

Yeah, I try to look on the bright side.

I saw a lot of the world
when I wasn't blindfolded.

Wow, your attitude is so refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing?

[SHUDDERS]

Is that from the Adriatic?

Yes. Excellent nose.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Yeah, okay. This was fun.

But we haven't seen each
other in a really long time,

and I skipped the girls' trip
so we could catch up, so...

[LAUGHS] Bye.

You can still go on the trip.

I'll entertain Maeve for you.

Uh, no, you're not gonna do that

because she's here to be with me, so...

Harper, did you make this?

No, I didn't make that tacky thing.

And it's way too small
to fit an actual bird.

Well, that's what I love about it.

Actually, um... [CHUCKLES]

I made it.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Those hands are pure genius.

And the gold leaf wallpaper reminds me

of the Melk Abbey in Austria.

Well, you know what they say.

If it ain't Baroque, don't fix it.

- No, you didn't.
- I did.

I think your cousin ba-roke Spencer.

Mm. Mm, mm, mm.

Look at us.

Girls'-trippin', champagne sippin'

and chocolate drawer dippin'.

Oh.

And I brought something for you.

- Aw, Freddie. Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

"My Way or the Rosé".

Aw, I'm never gonna wear this.

I gotta hand it to you, though.

This girls' trip is
off to a great start.

Shall we look at my itinerary?

"Gossip on the drive here". Check.

"Freak out over how
great the room is". Check.

"Look in all the drawers for
weird stuff people left behind".

Checking!

I wonder what this does.

[SEXY MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Ooh, honey ♪

♪ Come here to me ♪

♪ Let's take a walk
amongst the blossoming... ♪

I-I like this song.

Mm, I like it, too.

It's great for lots of occasions.

♪ Go to cooking class ♪

♪ I want to have s-s-s-sex ♪

♪ With you, baby ♪

♪ Mm... ♪

Is this weird?

[SCOFFS] Not at all.

You know what? Who says you can't share

a honeymoon suite with
your platonic best friend

with whom you have a
complicated romantic history?

No one says that.

You know what? You take the bed.

It's so fancy it'll ruin me
for all future beds.

Oh, my God.

This bed is so comfortable.

Freddie, you gotta come try this.

At least for a few minutes
before you mess up your back

- sleeping on that couch.
- All right.

♪ ♪

Oh, yeah.

[LOUDLY] Oh, yeah!

- This feels so good.
- Ooh.

You know what, I'm
doing it. I'm going in.

Come on.

♪ I want to have... ♪

- Oh!
- That is incredible.

[FREDDIE]: Oh, so good.

Fun Brooke is here.

Let's get this party star...

Oh. Looks like the party
already started. Rrr!

- No, no. I mean, we're not.
- No.

I-I mean, we were. Not like were were.

Then we weren't. Let
me just turn this off.

[BUTTON CLICKS]

♪ With you, baby ♪

♪ I want to have ♪

♪ S-s-s-sex. ♪

I see you already got your cocktail.

Yeah, I found it on a tray in the hall.

I guess they just leave
them out for people.

I'm just so happy that you made it.

Yay. Me, too. [CHUCKLES]

Did they find your car?

No, I did. So it turns out

it wasn't actually stolen.

I just forgot where I parked it.

[CHUCKLES]

I am a total hot mess.
Isn't that cute, though?

Adorable.

Are you sure I'm not
interrupting something?

- No.
- No, not at all.

- You're exactly what we needed.
- Yeah, the more the merrier.

Yay. Girls' trip, plus a cute guy.

- And now a cute girl.
- Uh, hello?

[GASPS]

Sorry, I'm a hugger.

We're gonna have a really good time.

Okay... oh!

And me.

I'm here, too.

Maeve, you're the
most thoughtful person.

You let me cook for you, serve you,

you even let me rub your feet.

Well, if you play your cards right,

I'll let you feed me dessert.

- Oh...
- [LAUGHS]

I got Chinese, DVDs

and a stuffed Maltese.

You know, just in case you
need a comfort object.

Y'all ate already?

Oh, yeah, I told Spencer how
much I was missing the ocean,

and he surprised me
with my favorite dinner.

An Alaskan crab leg buffet.

You should've seen how adorable
she was cracking those legs.

Yeah, cute.

But I thought Chinese
was your favorite food.

Since when do you like crab?

Since I spent four years at sea.

Plus my kidnappers
were very anti-gluten,

so I kind of don't do Chinese anymore.

Well, that makes sense.

But you still like action movies, right?

'Cause I got Takens one through three.

Ooh, I shouldn't have gotten
Takens one through three.

Yeah, I've had enough action/adventure

in my real life, you know,

so these days, I'm more into...

- Romance?
- Yes.

[SPENCER]: It's funny

you should mention
romance movies and the sea,

because I have another surprise for you.

Spencer, this is amazing!

Well, there is one more
thing, but I don't know,

maybe it's over-the-top.

Well, we wouldn't want that.

May I sketch you?

Are we about to live out
my Titanic fantasy?

Y'all know how that movie ends, right?

Okay.

Oh, should we make a toast?

Yes.

To Brooke, for getting her car back

so she can be here.

Aw.

And to Freddie,

for making such a sweet toast.

- And to me, for...
- [KNOCKING]

... getting the door. [CHUCKLES]

Couples massage.

Oh, this is a little awkward, but...

there are three of us.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but maybe we should pass.

Actually, I have a lot of tension

from my car almost being stolen.

I could really use a massage.

I'll get undressed.

Yeah, me, too!

Oh, hey, there's a carnival
in town this weekend.

Should we go?

[BOTH]: [MOANING] Oh, yeah!

Wait, what are you saying yeah to?

The carnival or the massage?

[BOTH]: [MOANING] Oh, yeah!

- Oh... yeah.
- Oh...

Yeah, that clears it up.

Oh, my God, did I eat all these?

Damn, this is well-crafted.

Give me your key.

Fine. I have three
other points of entry.

What happened to your cousin?

She get kidnapped again?

Yeah, by Spencer.

Wait, what are you doing?

You want to watch movies with bad words?

I can't. I'm only here

because I left my checkbook.
It's probably in my desk.

That's not your desk!

Then why is my checkbook in it?

Olive and I are about to
go protest the froyo shop.

They stopped carrying rainbow sprinkles,

and we're not gonna
take this lying down.

- Now you're third-wheeling me, too?
- Oh!

You're not a third wheel...
you were never invited at all.

Bye-ee!

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- I'm never having kids.

[LAUGHS] Ah!

I'm so glad we ventured out...
that carnival was a blast.

It was... something.

I was just in awe

of how you were able to
win this unicorn for me.

What can I say?

I'm incredibly good at ring toss.

So, uh...

do you have any thoughts on
what you'd like to do tonight?

I do have a few ideas.

- Huh.
- I do, too! Actually...

I was hoping to check out
the tiki bar in the lobby.

I need some alcohol to
absorb all that chocolate.

Great idea, Carly.

Here, take this wad of cash.

Have so much fun, okay?

Let us know how it is. Bye!

[MOUTHING]

Thank you, Snoqualmie Suites

for hooking us up this weekend!

My friends and I are having so much fun

all together in the
same place right now.

What now? Okay, yeah, I'm coming.

I guess it's my turn
to dance on the bar.

Got to go.

Another Lonely Lady?

I mean, I'm alone,

but I'm not "lonely".

I mean, sure, I got
ditched on my girls' trip

because I brought my best guy friend

- and apparently he brought his A-game, but...
- No.

That's the name of your drink.

Do you want another Lonely Lady?

Oh.

Yes, please.

[CHUCKLES]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hey, Harper.

- How's it going? Bad.
- How's it going? Bad.

You first, so I can top you

with how amazingly awful my thing is.

[OVER PHONE]: Okay, try this.

Freddie and Brooke are
getting couples' massages,

winning unicorns and hooking
up in the honeymoon suite

while I'm drinking a drink for losers.

That drink looks good though.
I'm gonna make one.

What's in it?

Aperol, vermouth, and amaro.

- Do we have those?
- We have warm white wine and vodka.

Close enough.

Ooh!

Virtual girls' trip!

- Cheers.
- Cheers!

Okay, out-depress me.

If you think you can.

Maeve ditched me for Spencer.

Maeve ditched me for sexual purposes

with Spencer.

I wish there were any way

I could be misinterpreting this.

Should I just come home?

No, it's your girls' trip!

Go up there! Freddie needs to learn

that it's besties before testes!

Yeah. You know what?

You do that, too.

Tell Maeve it's cousins
before "huggins".

Not as good, but yeah!

[GROANS]

Okay, that's it.

I'm sick of you two having
all the fun without me.

Can I uncover my eyes?

[FREDDIE]: It's getting pretty intimate.

We're playing MASH.

I hope I get mansion.

I love that game.

Please, will you do me, too?

I'll do both of you.

- Be right back.
- Great.

[EXHALES]

What are you doing here?

I was trying to get some alone time.

Oh, you want some alone time?

Try going on a trip with you.

You're right, I'm sorry.

I ditched you. It's just...

ever since I got divorced,
the second time,

also the first time, but
mostly the second time,

I just felt like I'm never gonna
meet someone who's right for me.

You feel that way about Brooke?

I don't know, maybe.

It's fun making out with her.

Fair enough.

I just wish I got to make
out with someone, too.

Ding dong.

I might be able to help you with that.

You know, it took me a minute,
but I think I finally get

what you two have
been trying to tell me.

The honeymoon suite,

the massage, Harper conveniently

not being able to come
at the last minute.

Not to mention

the obvious sexual tension

between me and Carly.

The which what?

You want Hot Mess Brooke

for a hot messy threesome.

- Oh, I don't think...
- Let's hear the woman out.

Okay, I say we just jump right in.

You know, because rules and boundaries,

they make everything so blah.

Brooke, we...

we're not trying to have
a threesome with you.

Oh, God.

Why does this keep happening to me?

First at that funeral
and then at the DMV.

I'm just gonna grab another drink

from the hallway and go home.

Do either of you know
where I parked my car?

No?

Okay, I'll just walk around

and listen for the "boop, boop".

Bye.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Our girls' trip was a bust, huh?
- Yeah.

I got ditched, drank alone,

ruined your hook-up, started an argument

and then Brooke went home early.

Yep. Sounds like every
girls' trip I've ever been on.

Oh. Yay, I did it.

Ha, ha!

Ah, I wonder why she thought
we'd be into a threesome?

Yeah, it was so out of the blue.

Right?

[SIGHS]

- Should I get a separate room?
- Yeah, definitely.

[MOANS]

And that's why you don't
mix white wine with vodka.

Did I learn nothing in college?

Ahoy.

Dim sum?

What about the gluten?

Sundays were always cheat days.

I really missed you.

I missed you more.

And, look, you know, I'm
happy that you and Spencer

- are getting along so...
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.

You're the person I missed
the most while I was gone,

and you're the person I'm most excited

to spend time with now that I'm back.

Aw, you're my number one girl.

Yeah.

Oh, and there's my
other number one girl.

Don't make fun of my shirt.

I got chocolate on all my other ones.

Oh, look at us all together.

I'm finally here with my "best friend

unless my cousin ever resurfaces"

and my cousin who resurfaced!

You two are gonna love each other.

But just as friends, right?

Oh, did Brooke try a threesome?

[HARPER]: I heard she's good.

You should've done it.

We're here for the girls' brunch!

What is with you men?

Can we have anything to ourselves?

Freddie said he was coming.

Oh, he earned his spot.

King of the girls' trip!

Hey, Harper, can I borrow your phone?

Sure. Why?

I'm not a dim sum person.

I'm ordering a pizza.

This is fun.

You know, we should make
this a regular thing.

Which is going to be a lot easier

because... I'm dropping
anchor in Seattle.

- Really?
- That's great.

- You can stay with us.
- Mm-hmm.

I'll make you a key.

Thank you.

Uh, actually, she's gonna stay with me.

Now what now?

Oh, just while I look for a place.

Or... who knows?

♪ ♪

[CARLY]: Wow.

I missed a lot on that girls' trip.

So did I.

And I was here the whole time.

Stop!

♪ Ooh, honey ♪

♪ Come here to me ♪

♪ Let's take a walk amongst
the blossoming cherry tress ♪

♪ Ooh, sugar ♪

♪ I could talk for hours ♪

♪ Go to a cooking class ♪

♪ Take in your mental prowess ♪

♪ S-s-s-sex ♪

♪ With you, baby ♪

♪ Mm. ♪

Ooh.