Previously on
"Kevin Can [BEEP] Himself"...
Make it look like a robbery,
and as soon as it's done,
you'll get the money.
You can't fire me.
They'll throw me in prison.
Change of plans. We're leaving tonight.
I don't know when you got so broken.
Uugh!
Damn it! [SNIFFS]
Where are you going?
Maybe I don't want to
waste the next years
trying to distract myself.
You are the right person.
You.
Okay.
There's someone in the house.
Is that a g*n?
What? I'm stressed out.
Arrest me.
- Don't really.
- [DOOR OPENS]
Hey.
God.
Thank you for your time, Mrs. McRoberts.
- Hey, you.
- Hi.
Officer Ridgeway.
- Right.
- [SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]
Listen, I can't imagine how
hard all this has been for you.
- Yeah.
- But you may not want
to go visit your mother,
or go out of town at all.
In case we need anything else.
Uh, like what?
We don't take sh**t
lightly, and your husband...
- What about me?
- I was just saying
you were involved in a terrible ordeal,
one we're gonna get to the bottom of.
I feel like I'm in some
sort of awful dream.
But I don't want you to worry.
We know you did what you had
to do to protect your family.
I just... I don't understand
why someone would break into our home.
Everyone thinks they're special,
that this can't happen to them.
[CHUCKLES] No, no.
Our home is crappy. It's a dumb move.
Around here, random break-ins
are usually drug-related.
It's desperation.
They're looking for anything
they can pawn for a few bucks.
So, is that what you think this is?
S-Stealing for drug money?
We'll know more once
the warrant goes through
and we get into his place.
When will that be?
Likely tomorrow afternoon.
And that lowlife won't be
around to let us in himself.
Kevin made sure of that.
Wait. Did he... Has he...
They pulled the plug on
him a few minutes ago.
Oh.
dr*gs really are the
scourge of our time.
- I'd argue heart disease.
- [LAUGHTER]
Just numbers-wise.
Babe, this is not some sort
of smushed artery, alright?
Some drugged-up dude was in our house.
He could've...
We could've...
I know. I know, babe.
Kev, I've been a cop years
now, and let me tell you,
not very many families come
out of this stuff unscathed.
You're one of the lucky ones.
Heh. Yeah.
Lucky. Come on.
Buddy!
Alright! I'm alright.
No, you're not.
Your airway's being constricted
by pounds of idiot.
[LAUGHTER]
I get a little emotional when
I think about losing you, Kev.
Yeah. Well, I don't like
thinking about it, either.
That's why you don't.
You got to push all those
thoughts and feelings
way down into your stomach
until it creates, like, a little hole
where you can keep all that stuff.
A cookie pocket.
That's an ulcer, Pete.
No.
It's a cookie pocket.
You eat cookies, and you feel better.
Psh. Thinks she's a nurse now,
telling us what a cookie pocket is.
I just can't believe
that someone was in here.
I know. And the dude was on
my hockey team in high school.
Couldn't sh**t then, either.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
You okay, bro? You
look like Patty after...
Oh, my God. Right now.
I don't know, bro.
It's like there's something
weighing down my eyebrows,
making me frown.
That's called marriage.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Did you hear that one, son?
I said, "That's called marriage."
Up top!
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yeah, it's, uh...
It's just not doing it for me.
Whoa. This is serious.
I know. I know.
That was a hilarious joke,
and yet it's like my laugh
button's on the fritz.
God. What is wrong with me?
No, y-you're being too
hard on yourself, son.
- Look, this all just happened.
- Yeah.
Good Catholic repression takes time.
And sleep.
You know what? That's it.
You need a good snooze to fix you up.
Yeah. Yeah.
- Maybe that'll do it.
- Sure.
You want me to make you a
nice, comfy fort to nap in?
- No thanks, bro.
- Oh, come on.
Makes you feel like
a caveman all tuckered
from a long day of hunting dinosaurs.
I said no!
I...
I just need to be alone.
I just wanted to help.
I know, buddy. Look, he's
probably just starting
to realize what we all knew years ago.
That forts are dumb?
Yeah. Forts are dumb.
[LAUGHTER]
[QUIETLY] Okay, what the hell...
- [WHISPERING] It was Nick.
- What?
He wasn't supposed to
come for another week.
Oh, trust me, I know. But
why listen to instruction
when it's more fun to come
on a night when Kevin's
amped on Red Bull and has a g*n?
I know. Who would give Kevin a g*n?
Oh. We did.
You know the g*n you
hit the trucker with?
The one we planted in the backyard?
He found it.
How?
Because of course he did!
Because he has a metal
detector, and it's Kevin!
We should have seen this coming.
No... Patty, you cannot
bail on me right...
[DOOR OPENS]
Here.
Take a sip of this every
time you want to yell.
- Like a drinking game?
- Whatever gets you to be quiet.
God. It's kind of miraculous
how little last night
helped us with anything.
Tammy's still looking for her dealer.
Kevin's...
still Kevin.
This is why you don't make plans.
You make plans, and God laughs.
Then he kicks you right in the balls.
No.
I still have plans.
[SIGHS] Jesus, Allison, what's next?
You gonna lure Kevin to a booby trap
with a jar of honey?
No. But what are you gonna do?
Just roll over and accept it?
Everything happens for a reason.
Okay, you would hit me if
I said something like that.
No, Tammy is not gonna
know that you dealt,
and I am not gonna sit here
and rot as Mrs. McRoberts.
[SIGHS]
What are your plans?
Okay.
We're gonna take the
pill bottle and the cash
we were gonna plant around Kevin's body,
and we're gonna put
them in Nick's apartment.
We connect him to Furies,
and he's the perfect candidate
for, like, the local dealer fall guy.
It makes even more sense than Kevin.
Tha...
- That could work.
- Right?
And he's dead, so he's
not even gonna mind.
Plus, Tammy said that she
still doesn't have the warrant,
so we have time.
We just need to act fast.
Jesus. Hold on!
Hey...
How does this help you?
What do you get out of it?
I get to know you're safe.
Can I get a plastic bag?
It's heavy.
Thank you.
[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]
PATTY: Oh.
Oh. sh*t. Jesus.
[BOTH GRUNT]
- Shut up.
- What? I mean...
- Just help me.
- Okay.
Just...
Okay.
Let's stash this stuff
and get out of here.
Okay.
It's fine, Allison. Nobody's home.
- Okay.
- [SIGHS]
You think this guy hides
stuff in his sock drawer?
Well, it's where my dad
kept our savings bonds.
[SIGHS]
Okay.
So...
Kevin actually seems affected by this.
Yeah, today.
And what about you?
Are you, like... okay?
Do I not look okay?
That's what I mean. You look fine.
You saw a dude get sh*t...
You could even say it's your fault...
- Our fault.
- And it's like, "Oh, well,
let's head over and frame the guy."
Well, what do you want me to do?
"Deal with it" and end up
crying in the bathtub again?
- That's useless.
- Yeah.
But it would freak me out a
lot less, believe it or not.
sh**t.
What have we said about swearing?
Okay.
Help me.
Why are we unpacking for him?
He was about to leave.
If he broke into our house
for random drug stuff,
why would he be getting out of town?
It looks premeditated.
The minute Tammy sees this,
she's gonna be asking
even more questions.
Okay, well, I don't think
you need to put his stuff on hangers.
[DOOR SHUTS]
[DOOR SHUTS]
[FOOTSTEPS]
[WHISPERING] sh**t.
[FOOTSTEPS]
Patty!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- CINDY: Hell.
Comin'!
[BASEMENT DOOR SHUTS]
[PANTING] Patty, hi.
I... I thought I'd stop by.
See how you're doing.
I was jogging.
[MUFFLED] I heard about Nick.
That's tough.
That's... nice of you.
Not many people come by with casseroles
for this sorta thing.
Definitely didn't think you would.
Well, I, uh... I don't have a casserole.
Well, w-w-what was he doing?
I, um...
I heard that he broke
into somebody's house.
Wasn't it in your neighborhood?
You know...
- Yeah.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
I guess it was.
Uh... yeah, that's weird.
Mm. Cops have been trying
to get in here, sniff around.
- But I know my rights.
- Yeah. 'Course.
- No warrant, no entry.
- No warrant, no entry.
- g*dd*mn right.
- Well, there's no telling
what they could pin on him if
they actually got down there.
Qué frickin' Sera as
far as I'm concerned.
Whatever else they wanna put on him,
I'm sure he's deserves it. [SIGHS]
But, you know, eh,
I'm not gonna make
the cops' lives easier
by just lettin' 'em in.
Nicky can deal with
them when he wakes up.
Wakes up?
Didn't you pull the plug?
Yeah. But he's still hanging on.
I mean, they say it's
critical, but they don't know.
Guys like Nick always
b*at the odds somehow.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
I'll...
I'll be praying for him.
Yeah.
Nick gets whatever's coming to him.
I don't know what he was getting into,
but I know I want to stay out of it.
Oh, great. We've been waiting hours.
Cable's out in the pool
room, and the fight's tonight.
Sorry, bro. I'm off-duty.
Looking for a beer.
I tried going to work, but cable
maintenance just feels so...
pointless.
Not if you want to watch the fight.
I feel... different.
I tried so many things
to make it better.
Napping, sleeping it
off, resting my eyes.
Still... I'm just not myself.
So, I figured I'd try a beer.
I've heard worse plans.
It's like it has no taste.
What did I possibly do to deserve this
and someone breaking into my home?
Oh. You had a break-in?
Yeah, but I got to him
before he could take anything.
I stopped him right in his tracks.
And what do I get for it?
All of these... feelings.
And beer with no taste.
Life isn't fair, man.
If it were, the universe
would send a cable guy
who'd actually fix the cable.
Hey, bro, the world is not unfair, okay?
The world is broken,
and I'm telling you, it's
been broken for awhile.
Foreigner neighbors steal your packages.
Wives lose your %
discount at the liquor store.
Sean Avery eats in a
Worcester restaurant
and doesn't get assaulted.
[LAUGHTER]
The world is going to
hell in a hand basket,
and no one's doing a thing about it.
Thanks, but I don't
really feel like paying
for another tasteless beer.
- Good. This one's on the house.
- Why?
'Cause the world is going to hell.
But you did something about it.
Damn right.
We need someone who tells it like it is.
And I got your next one.
Well, alright, then.
I accept.
I can taste it again!
[LAUGHING] Alright!
Cheers, bud.
[SIGHS]
I really thought we were dead
when she opened that door.
I've never moved so
fast in my life, I swear.
Ask any gym teacher I've ever had.
God.
I think this is gonna work.
We're done. It's done.
Is that even possible?
- Hey, that's littering.
- I gotta quit.
Why not, right?
Hey, this is gonna work. I know it.
No, something's off.
The way Tammy told me to
not go out of town, it...
She's not done with me.
And Nick is... is
still alive, by the way.
In a critical coma.
You're just looking
for problems, Barbie.
Even if he does wake up,
who's gonna believe him
when he says he's not the dealer?
Uh, what about when he says,
"That broad hired me
to k*ll her husband"?
Oh, honey, you are not a broad.
Listen to me. You're all set, okay?
You're free to go. I get that.
And you're welcome, by the way.
But I am still in a deep
pile of sh*t over here.
You don't know that for sure.
[SIGHS] I know, but
what am I supposed to do?
Just sit around and hope
everything works out?
What's the alternative?
You always make fun of me
for saying "I hope," but...
- I remember once.
- No, but you're right.
It's dangerous. I need to know.
I need to know what Tammy's thinking.
I need to know if she's still onto me.
And how are you gonna do that?
Like, we need to know what's going on.
We need to know what to expect.
What happened last night
cannot happen again.
We need to be a step ahead.
How are you gonna do that, Allison?
Next time you're hanging out,
I want you to look in
that little notebook
that she always writes in and...
And she what it says about me.
Uh, I can't...
Patty, I need your help, okay?
I hate saying that, but when
I'm alone, I just... I...
do things like marry Kevin.
Hey, you and... you and
Tammy are friends, right?
You're the one that said that
this could be good for us.
It could be useful.
And now it actually is.
I don't know if I can do it.
Of course you can. It's not a big deal.
Girlfriends, you know,
go through each other's
stuff all the time.
If she catches you, you just say,
"Oh, I was borrowing your
lipstick" or something.
You've never had girlfriends, have you?
I have you.
Right?
Yeah.
Put it higher. I don't
know. He wants it lower.
Oh, good. Another banner.
Damn right! [LAUGHTER]
Jesus, Kevin.
Well, you seem back to yourself.
I'm not just myself.
I'm improved, baby!
Impossible, bro.
It all began when I stopped
by the bar for a beer
while I was supposed to be at work.
Great start.
So, there I was, surrounded by
a bunch of good,
salt-of-the-earth guys
having their : a.m. drink,
and I start doing my thing, you know?
What's your thing?
Telling it like it is.
I thought your thing was
designing classy Red Sox jerseys
you could wear to a funeral.
That's my old thing, Neil.
Telling it like it is is what I do now,
and these guys... They loved it.
Before you know it,
I got three free beers
in front of me with more on the way,
and that's when it happened.
Boom! I felt better!
I felt like myself again!
So you got drunk.
He said beers, Patty, not .
[LAUGHTER]
I suddenly understood
why the break-in happened.
You know, like, what it all means.
I have a higher calling, babe.
I'm running for office!
_
That's right.
I'm running for city council.
Kevin McRoberts... I'm tough on crime,
but soft on the pointless
stuff, like taxes.
[LAUGHTER]
Could that be my campaign slogan?
Damn.
No, no. Not damn to you, Mrs. Slutsky.
I was obviously referring to the Hoover.
I'm also tough on foul language.
Okay.
Can't believe she bought that.
Oh, Kev, you're in a position
every politician dreams of...
All your constituents are idiots.
This thing is yours!
Kev, don't you think this whole
thing is, like, kinda lame?
Uh, no.
I think it's classy and important,
like country clubs or Jessica Rabbit.
Oh. Hey, Allison.
I'm happy to see you.
Has everything about you changed?
Hey, that hottie
Detective Tammy Ridgeway
just called and said that
the guy that broke in here
was some sorta drug dealer,
a real scourge of our time.
Really?
- She told you that for sure?
- Yep.
And I got him off the
streets. [CHUCKLES]
The campaign is off to a rockin' start!
- You're really running?
- Of course.
It's my life's dream.
Okay, it's just that
you usually, you know,
forget about your life's
dream before lunch.
Give me one example.
Uh, well, three days ago,
your life's dream was
to become a father.
Oh, God. I forgot.
Man, that was a close call, too.
Oh, what a hard week for you.
It's just that I figured out
that my higher purpose is...
fathering the entire community. [LAUGHS]
And it all begins tonight
at my first campaign event
at the classy and important Moose Lodge.
You say "classy" a lot.
Uh... do you know what classy means?
Uh, Kev, bad news.
Looks like the Mooses have pulled out.
Oh, no.
Hey, listen, when you get elected,
we revoke their liquor
license as payback.
[LAUGHS]
I-I don't know, Kev.
I think you should probably
just throw in the towel.
He's got a point.
You know, finding a
venue, revoking stuff.
It's... It's... It's just
a lot of verbs for you.
[LAUGHTER]
That is true.
So, let's forget this
whole "higher purpose" thing
and play ultimate hide and seek.
[LAUGHTER]
No. I know how to handle
a little adversity, okay?
I just need to sit
around, do nothing at all,
and wait for God to provide a solution.
And He always does.
Like that g*n He put in your back yard.
Exactly. Pew-pew.
[LAUGHTER]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hi.
Hi?
Can I, uh, come in?
Inside here?
No, Kevin is home.
This is not a good time.
It's not like that. I promise.
He could have opened the
door and it'd be fine.
Thanks.
I, uh...
I like your coffee table.
It's very MoMa.
Sam, what are you doing here?
Yeah. Right. Sorry. I
was sort of ramping up
to the apology, and, um...
I am...
sorry.
You were trying to do the
right thing the other day,
to work on your marriage,
and I-I can't stand the fact
that we left things like that, and...
And then I heard about that guy,
the one who broke in here, and...
God, if something ever happened to you,
and the last things we said
were that you thought I didn't...
[SIGHS]
I'm so sorry.
I had to come by and see
how you were both doing
after everything,
and if you need anything, don't...
- Wait, what are you doing?
- I don't know.
- We cannot do that here.
- I know.
But I wanted to.
So do I, but that's no reason
to risk blowing up your life.
I mean... [CHUCKLES]
isn't it?
Do you mean that?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I do.
I left Jenn.
You...
Yeah.
I can't stay in that house anymore.
I couldn't.
And, uh, if you're
feeling that same way, too,
then maybe this is our chance, you know,
to really be together.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, hey, Allison.
God, do you always have
to enter a room like that?
It's how winners go
through swinging doors.
Oh. Now I know why you
never lasted as a waiter.
You're proving my point.
What kinda winner has ever
worked at a restaurant?
Oh.
Hey, there, Allison's
boss from the diner.
How you doing, Kevin?
I'm a winner, Sal.
- Sam.
- Even better.
Now, Sam, don't you
feel there's a dire need
for real change in this neighborhood?
And I'm talking about
the good kind of change,
the kind that gets things back
to the way they used to be.
I actually like...
Then please, do the world a favor
and vote for Kevin.
[LAUGHTER]
Thanks. Uh, well, I should get going.
Um, I just came by to tell Allison
she could take some
time off if she needs it.
It's a little slow right now, anyways.
Ugh! Wait!
- Stroke!
- What?
No, it's not what you think.
Allison is always saying
how your diner is dead.
Devoid of customers.
Slower than a herd of turtles
on a peanut butter race track.
Okay. Well, I never say that.
It's perfect!
Your diner is the perfect
spot to be my venue!
- It's so empty!
- Okay.
- Well, it's not...
- But hey, with me,
you'll have a solid stream
of hearty, hungry customers.
Oh, my God.
We'll call it a "meat and greet"!
- Well, maybe Sam doesn't want...
- No, no.
No, like a meat and greet.
Meat like M-E-A-T.
- Right, but maybe Sam doesn't...
- No, no, no.
Meat, like salami.
Ah! Sam, it's perfect!
Uh... sure.
I could always use the business.
Yeah, baby!
The campaign of Kevin is saved!
NEIL: Damn it!
He'll be fine.
I always wonder what sucker buys
the product in a salon?
Not many, I guess.
Trust me, there are plenty
of suckers in this town.
It's been a little slow.
Did you even have any
appointments today?
I mean, we could've gone
bowling or something.
I was hoping for some walk-ins.
When did business start dying down?
I don't know.
Recently.
I, uh...
heard you caught your dealer.
The guy who broke into Allison's house?
Yeah. We got into his house
this morning with a warrant.
His aunt offered me some coffee,
which I'm pretty sure was
light with cream and spit,
but we got what we needed.
That's...
great.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
So glad to have that
lowlife off the streets.
Well, it's easy to call him a lowlife,
but he isn't much different
than any other guy in this town.
Hey, you wanna get outta here?
I could close up shop a little early
and we could go to
Kevin's campaign event.
Uh, I don't... I don't know...
Allison's been texting me updates,
and it seems like one of
those really fun train wrecks.
They're not my kinda company.
Kevin's an idiot, but whatever happened
to "lowlifes are people, too"?
Yeah, um, I meant Allison.
What?
I just don't get a good feeling off her.
I'd like to say I trust her
as far as I can throw her,
but she's like this big.
Yeah. Okay.
We can skip watching the downfall
of the political system
and just hang out.
Maybe go bowling.
Thank you.
Hey, you got a ladies'?
Yeah, it's in the back.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Remember, Kevin McRoberts...
Because the World is Going to Hell.
[LAUGHTER]
Okay.
Okay, yeah, that is not
the campaign slogan, either.
No, no. You gotta keep
it simple, like, uh...
Like maybe just your name
with an exclamation point.
Kev!
Hey. Hey.
The ice cream truck, the
good one with the Mickey pops,
it's only four blocks away.
If we haul ass, we can catch it.
No, Neil, what have I told you?
I'm done hauling ass.
From now on, I'm putting my
ass in the hands of the people.
[LAUGHTER]
You talk a big game,
but I know you, man.
The second you start a game
of ultimate hide and seek
or see that ice cream truck,
you won't be able to help yourself.
Kevin McRoberts...
He Can't Help Himself.
You know what, Neil?
Maybe you're right.
Let's play ultimate hide and go seek.
You hide first.
Yes.
Oh.
Start counting to , , buddy.
[LAUGHTER]
We shoulda started
doing that years ago.
Oh! There she is.
Our first lady.
Just in time for your big moment.
You just stand right here,
and look the way you do.
You know, in my photography days,
we'd call that "camera meat."
What photography days?
I was a Boston Paparazzo.
Oh, is that why you got punched
in the face by James Taylor?
[LAUGHTER]
No.
Hey, aren't those the
cops from the Vic House?
Oh. Yeah. Kept in touch
with them after my trouncing
of Sean Avery.
And we have Mr. Harrison,
who donated quite handsomely, too.
Buncha people from the neighborhood.
Everybody showed for your boy!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Oh, here we go.
Ready? And smile.
Thanks, Kevin.
Mrs. McRoberts. Looks great.
Oh. God, look at us.
It's perfect.
Like JFK and Jackie O.
But poor.
But that means I get a Marilyn!
[LAUGHS]
[LINE RINGING]
PATTY: What?
[MUFFLED CHEERING]
- You okay?
- Jesus!
- Sorry.
- Yeah, you should be!
- Whoa.
- What... What the hell
were you thinking, offering this place?
Oh, it seemed easier than saying no.
Sam, you can't give
into him like that, okay?
- It's what he's counting on.
- Counting on?
He's not exactly a puppet master, okay?
It's Kevin.
Sam, "it's Kevin" is why he
gets away with everything.
It's why he always wins.
You say that like it's destined.
It is!
This whole world is
designed for guys like Kevin
and Pete and Neil!
- I don't know that it's...
- Sam, he sh*t someone.
Kevin sh*t someone in our home,
and the cops couldn't care less.
They're in there toasting him right now.
This whole game is rigged! Fixed!
And I-I should just give up, you know?
I should... Why not?
I should just give up...
and run away with you.
You know, we could go to,
like, a lake town or a desert,
where we could be
totally different people.
I could be, like...
Denise, and, uh,
Denise makes her own bowls and
remembers to water her plants.
What?
Being with me is giving up?
That's not what I...
Right now, it seems
like the right answer.
It seems like it, but it's not?
I'm offering you something real.
Something...
[SIGHS]
You just don't know how
to help yourself, do you?
Oh, right, being with
you is gonna, what?
It's gonna save me?
It'd be an improvement.
Oh. Okay.
Um, you know, Kevin...
When we met, he got me
out of my parents' house,
because he insisted that we move
in together after two months,
and, so, I guess I let him save me, too.
I'm not Kevin.
No, I know.
But you know that there
are people who look at me
and they don't see a charity case?
Who like me like this?
Like this?
Come on, you know you deserve
better than this place,
than those idiots.
You could be...
more.
That's not a compliment.
God, I used to think it was,
but I am so done with trying to be more.
This is it.
This should be enough.
[LINE RINGING]
- PATTY: What?
- [BEEPS]
Oh, Jumping Jehoshaphat.
Licking Lucifer.
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]
Uh, whoa there.
Is this Fun Allison
rearing her ugly head?
I thought she drowned in that
water park eight years ago.
Babe, cool it.
That is not very Jackie O behavior.
Yeah, take a page out of
her book and drink alone.
You have, like, an image now.
You gotta act like a politician's wife.
Don't you have a public image?
Uh, yeah.
I'm living it right now.
I'm a man of the people.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
I know you think you're
some everyday hero...
but you're just a d*ck, Kevin.
Everyday Hero.
I like the sound of that.
Kevin, that's your campaign slogan!
"Kevin McRoberts... Everyday Hero."
[LAUGHTER]
It's brilliant! [LAUGHS]
Cheers, everybody!
BOTH: Everyday Hero!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
I told you, I'm off tonight.
[DOOR OPENS]
[BELL DINGS]
Bram, if you call again,
I'm making you shovel
my walk all winter.
Uh, Patty stepped out
to grab some cigarettes.
Oh.
Sounds familiar.
I can leave her a message if you want.
Uh...
I... Well... You...
Sorry, you're... You're
Officer Ridgeway, right?
Are you here to
question her again, or...
No.
Oh. Um...
I just heard about the break-in,
so I thought I should stop by.
See if I can bring her a
roast chicken or something.
The break-in was next door.
No, I know, but it's
still pretty traumatic.
Mm, she seems fine.
Good, even.
Actually [CHUCKLES] you could say
it's the happiest she's been in years.
[SCOFFS]
Well, good for her.
[SIGHS]
But you know, actually,
the weirdest thing happened. I...
When I heard about the break-in,
I wasn't totally surprised.
Since we broke up, I've had
all these questions, you know?
I-I guess I should've
been asking them all along,
but the more I think about
what those questions would be,
the less I think she'd ever answer them.
But hey, maybe you'll have more luck.
I'm not a cop, so...
[LINE RINGING]
- PATTY: What?
- [BEEPS]
Patty, please call me back.
Please.
[DOOR OPENS]
Hey.
You waiting for me? I've
been trying to call you.
I saw.
But I wanted to yell at you in person.
No, don't.
I am... I am so sorry.
Do you even know what
you're apologizing for?
- Then it doesn't count!
- Okay.
Well, what did I do?
- Why are you yelling?
- Because.
Because it sucked what
you asked me to do.
With Tammy.
Okay.
Okay, you're right. I-I am sorry.
But I didn't think of it
as a big ask, you know?
You p*stol whipped a trucker for me,
so you understand if I, you know,
didn't think it would
drain the favor bank
asking you to look in a friend's purse.
Allison...
You know.
- I know what?
- You know, okay?
You know that Tammy is
not just some friend,
and you know why you shouldn't
have asked me to do that.
Well, you never actually said anything,
and I didn't want to just assume.
Bullshit! You knew.
And you framed Nick for me,
not out of the kindness of your heart,
but you did it so that when
you asked me to betray Tammy,
I'd owe you one.
Okay, that is not true.
And also, "betray her"
is a little strong.
You knew I wouldn't say no, not to you.
Oh, God.
Did you actually look in her notebook?
Yes.
And I hate myself for it.
- Uh, what did it say?
- Jesus, Allison!
It said nothing.
I did it for nothing.
She doesn't think that
you want your husband dead.
She thinks we talk too
much. She's jealous.
She called you "meek" and a "victim."
Clearly, she doesn't know you.
Okay.
But I can't take back what I did.
She's the only person that I have,
and you used it.
You ruined it.
I'm sorry, Tammy's the
only person that you have?
- That's a rude thing to say.
- Be rude, Allison.
At least rude is being
shitty out in the open.
Okay. Well, sorry for
asking for your help.
Jesus, I thought I could.
You know, isn't that what we do?
We've both done terrible things,
but we've done them for each other.
You know, at this point,
I couldn't even tell
you who's done what.
You're the one who tried
to k*ll her husband.
And you're the one who helped.
And it was a bust.
So...
clearly, you're better off
with a different accomplice.
Hey, I don't want you around
'cause you're a good accomplice.
You've... You've
raised me from the dead.
Like, after all this, you're gonna le...
Without you...
[HUFFS]
You're...
What?
Ugh.
Okay. Yeah.
You know what? Never mind.
I'm not gonna ask you for help.
I'm not gonna ask you for anything.
So, let's just go back to how it was.
I'll get you a beer, and you'll
say, "Oh, it's not cold enough,"
and that will be the
extent of our sharing, okay?
So, let's just go back to how it was.
- Fine.
- Fine.
NEIL: How dare you?
Oh.
[LAUGHTER]
That's right.
I heard everything.
I don't know what you're talking about.
What do you think I'm talking about?
Well, I don't know what
you're talking about
unless you know what
you're talking about.
I know what I'm talking about,
and I know what you talked about,
and therefore, what I'm talking about.
Well, now I definitely don't
know what you're talking about.
Please, Allison, being
sardined in the closet
for four hours may cut off
circulation in some places,
but it doesn't affect my hearing.
Neil, it's not what you think.
I've been losing feeling in my left leg
thinking Kevin was over me,
that I'd hide and he would
never seek me ever again.
[LAUGHTER]
But I think I know how to
get back in his good graces.
- No, Neil, don't.
- Hey, that's my phone.
- No, stop!
- Give me my phone.
Hey, that's not yours! Give it to me!
- Ahh!
- Give me my phone!
- No, stop!
- Ahh!
[GRUNTING]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
What the f*ck?!
You're not gonna tell Kevin anything.
You okay?
I'm fine.