♪ Here's the story ♪
♪ Of a lovely lady ♪
♪ Who was bringing up
three very lovely girls ♪
♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪
♪ Like their mother ♪
♪ The youngest one in curls ♪
♪ It's the story of
a man named brady ♪
♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
♪ They were four men
living all together ♪
♪ Yet they were all alone ♪
♪ Till the one day when
the lady met this fellow ♪
♪ And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪
♪ That this group must
somehow form a family ♪
♪ That's the way we all
became the brady bunch ♪
♪ The brady bunch ♪
♪ The brady bunch ♪
♪ That's the way we
became the brady bunch ♪
[Birds chirping]
Hey, where you guys going? I thought
we were gonna sh**t some baskets.
Oh, yeah. Well, we've got something
more important to do, bobby.
More important than basketball?
Not even in the same league.
Greg's gonna drop me off at
wendy's house. And I got a date, too.
You guys think girls are more
important than basketball?
Did you ever try
kissing a basketball?
Well, I'd rather kiss a
basketball and a catcher's mitt
Than any dumb old girl.
Just wait. You'll
be kissing girls.
And liking it, too.
No way. I wouldn't
kiss a girl for nothing.
Come on, let's play.
Bye, bobby. Bye.
Kissing girls.
[Car engine starting]
Hi, bobby.
Oh, hi, millicent.
Cindy's inside.
I didn't come here to see cindy,
I came to see you.
Me? What for?
To thank you for making
that boy stop teasing me
In school today.
You're very brave.
Oh, it wasn't anything.
It was, too.
And I really appreciate it.
[Groaning in disgust]
Bobby, what's wrong?
Huh?
I'm not sure.
Millicent, you gotta
promise something.
You gotta promise you'll never
tell anybody in the whole world
What just happened. Why not?
Because if my brothers find out,
I'll be ruined for life.
Promise?
Ok, I promise.
Thanks. It'll be our secret.
Nobody else will ever know.
I'll talk to you about
it later, sam. Bye-bye.
Hi. How about a post-game snack?
Usually, you like something
to eat after the game.
Skyrockets.
Skyrockets?
Oh, this is heavy. Oh!
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
Ok. That seems to fit all right.
[Laughing] how do I look?
Well, I think you might make the
centerfold of the raccoon gazette.
[Carol laughing] oh, eat your
heart out, rudy vallee!
Hi, bob.
Hey, bobby, how do you
like your dad's costume?
It's great.
Well, he's underwhelmed.
Listen, I've got yours finished.
Would you like to try it on?
Got too much thinking to do.
Uh, bob.
Anything wrong?
Not really.
Well, is there anything
you'd like to talk to us about?
Not really.
Is there anything we can do?
Not really.
Nothing like parents having a
heart-to-heart talk with their kids.
[Giggling] these are really
perfect for the roaring '20's party.
Where'd you get 'em, greg?
Dave osborne lent 'em to me.
They had some funny
songs in those days.
Get a load of this:
"Can red lips kiss
my blues away?"
How about this one:
"Does the spearmint lose its
flavor on the bedpost overnight?"
[Laughing]
"Yes! We have no bananas!"
Today, that sounds more
like a group instead of a song.
I've got a secret,
I've got a secret.
What kind of a secret, cindy?
That's for me to know
and you to find out.
When is she ever gonna grow up?
When there's nobody
left to blab on. Yeah.
♪ [Ukulele playing]
Is that you, mike?
♪ [Ukulele playing]
Hi. I thought I heard
a ukulele in here.
You did? Yeah.
That's because you did.
Listen, I'm gonna be the cat's
meow at that roaring '20's party.
I'm really gonna
play this thing. Great!
♪ My dog has fleas ♪
[Laughing] sounds a little
more like distemper to me.
Ok, request time.
What would you like?
I wanna be loved by you.
Later. Right now, I'm
playing the ukulele. Oh, mike.
Come on. Lend me a tonsil.
You know I don't have
my tonsils anymore. Yeah.
How about a vocal chord? Ok.
♪ I wanna be loved by you ♪
♪ Just you, and
nobody else but you ♪
♪ I wanna be loved
by you alone ♪
♪ Boop boop bee doo! ♪
♪ I wanna be kissed by you ♪
♪ kissed by you ♪
(Both) ♪ just you and
nobody else but you ♪
♪ I wanna be kissed
by you alone ♪
♪ Boop boop bee doo! ♪
♪ I couldn't aspire ♪
♪ To anything higher ♪
♪ Than to fill the desire
to make you my own ♪
♪ Boop boop bee doo! ♪
♪ Boop boop bee doo! ♪
♪ I wanna be loved by you ♪
♪ Just you and
nobody else but you ♪
♪ I wanna be loved
by you alone ♪
♪ Boop boop bee doo! ♪
Pardon my boop. I
just got carried away.
[Laughing]
♪ [A time for us by
henry mancini playing]
What are you doing?
Warming up to enter
an ugly contest?
Uh, no. I'm practicing
for a whistling contest.
I entered a whistling contest.
[Whistling]
You sure got a
dumb-looking pucker.
I've got a secret,
I've got a secret.
What kind of secret?
That's for me to know
and you to find out.
Think she's got
something on you, pete?
Me? I haven't done anything.
It's probably you.
Not me. I've got the
cleanest conscience in town.
Who cares about cindy
and her dumb secret?
Okay, cindy, what's your secret?
I'll give you a hint.
It starts with the letter "m."
"M"?
Like in "money"?
Nope.
"M" like you find it in holland,
And it goes around and around.
Cindy, windmill doesn't
start with an "m."
The 2nd half of it does.
Mill?
Now, add this to it.
Mill penny?
Mill lincoln?
Mill cent?
Mill cent?
Mill-a-cent.
Millicent!
What do you know
about millicent?
Only this.
[Smacking lips]
You were spying.
I was not.
I just happened to be looking
where I wasn't supposed to.
Cindy, you gotta protect
me. I'm your brother.
Protect you from millicent?
From greg and peter.
If they find out, I'll
be ruined for life.
At your age, that's a long time.
Please, cindy.
Promise you won't say anything
about millicent kissing me.
Please?
Cindy, we wanna talk to you.
About what?
I'll give you a hint:
"I've got a secret.
I've got a secret."
We wanna know what the secret
is. And who have you got it on.
None of you.
Well, then who?
Oh. So, the secret's
on bobby, huh?
[Marcia chuckling]
Hey, what is it, cindy?
Yeah, tell us what it is.
(Greg) come on.
Well, the secret is...
The secret is...
Yeah?
There is no secret.
[All clamoring]
Wait a minute, if
there's no secret,
Then, what's all this "I got a
secret, I got a secret" jazz for?
Well, if I didn't say that,
Would I be getting
all this attention?
[All groaning]
What's that all about?
(Greg) she had me
going for a while.
Thanks, cindy.
If you weren't a
girl, I'd kiss you.
♪ [Carol scatting the tune
of I wanna be loved by you]
Do you like it? You really
made that yourself?
No. I remade it. I found it
in the trunk in the attic.
You like it? I
think it's terrific.
Huh. You like the, uh, fringe?
Yeah, I like the
fringe benefits.
[Laughing]
Hello, there. Hi.
Hi, sweetheart.
You like my dress?
Mom, can I talk to
dad for a minute?
It's kind of a father-son thing.
Oh. Well,
Since I don't qualify
for either one,
See you around.
♪ [Scatting]
Sit down.
Well, what's on your mind?
Well, remember when you
asked me if I had a problem?
Uh, yeah, mmm-hmm.
Well, the problem is
I don't really know
if I have a problem.
[Chuckling] well... You
know what I mean?
Uh, no, but I'm sure we
can figure the problem out,
Especially if you're not
sure if you really have one.
Yeah. I don't really
know where to start.
Uh-huh. Well, how
about the beginning?
Well, dad...
Did you ever kiss a girl
when you were my age?
[Chuckling]
Yeah, I kind of remember
that I did, uh-huh.
Well, did something
special happen?
Sure did. Her father walked in.
Well, I mean, how'd you feel?
Like, did you see
skyrockets or something?
Well, not skyrockets exactly,
Uh, a few little
firecrackers maybe.
Well, if you did see skyrockets,
Would that mean you're in love?
[Inhaling]
Bobby, that depends. I
suppose it... I suppose it could.
And people who are in
love get engaged, right?
Yeah, well, uh... And
then they get married.
Well, I think, in your case, I'd
recommend a long engagement.
How long? About 10 years.
Son, uh, love and
marriage and engagements,
Uh, it's a wonderful business,
But you want to make very
sure about those skyrockets.
Make sure, huh?
Thanks, dad. I'll keep in touch.
Yeah, well, you do that.
[Birds chirping]
[Doorbell ringing]
Hi, millicent. I have to
make sure of something.
What?
Whether it's skyrockets or not.
[Kissing]
Yeah. It's skyrockets.
Bobby, I don't think you
should have done that.
Why not?
I'm contagious.
The doctor thinks I
may have the mumps.
The mumps?
Oh, and, sam, I'd better give you the
latest news about the roaring '20's party.
I've entered us in the
charleston contest.
Right.
Well, wear your shin guards, sam,
because, when I do the charleston,
It's every man for himself.
[Laughing]
I'll see you tomorrow
night, sam. Bye.
♪ [Scatting]
Oh, hi.
That's a pretty long face for a
short fella. Is anything wrong?
I'll say. I know a guy
who's really worried.
Well, that covers a lot of guys.
Can you narrow it down a little?
Well, he's a friend of mine.
He thinks he might
have the mumps.
Now, that is a lumpy problem.
How can he tell if he's
got 'em for sure, alice?
Well, are his neck
glands swollen?
No, not yet.
Any puffiness around his cheeks?
No, not yet.
Well, just to be
on the safe side,
He really ought to stay away from
everybody until he knows for sure.
Until he knows for sure, huh?
Yeah, if he doesn't want to go
around giving everybody the mumps.
Oh, no.
I mean, he wouldn't
want to do that.
Thanks, alice.
[Gargling]
[Peter laughing] what are you
measuring your neck for?
Uh, I just want to see
how thick it's getting.
It'll never be as
thick as your head.
Very funny.
Let me measure your head.
No. Don't come near me.
What's wrong?
I... I don't want you
to mess up my hair.
I think your hair's growing on the inside
of your head and it's tickling your brain.
Ok, g*ng, this is our
final dress rehearsal.
Now, remember, the important
thing about the charleston
Is not to kick anybody,
especially you, so spread out.
Come on. (Mike) ok.
Hold it. Where's bobby?
Oh, he's upstairs. He says he
doesn't like the charleston.
He'll be sorry tomorrow
night when the music starts.
(Cindy) yeah.
♪ [Charleston music playing]
(Greg) rowdy-dow!
[All whooping]
Remember, the trick is never
to let your feet leave your legs.
Wow, this is fun.
[All laughing]
[All chattering]
I feel like a field goal
kicker in the super bowl.
22 Skidoo!
It's 23, dad.
Hello, millicent?
Hi. This is bobby brady.
Oh, hi, bobby. How
are you feeling?
So far, so good. Are
you swollen or anything?
Not yet.
Well, are you sure
you got the mumps?
I won't know for sure till tomorrow
morning when the doctor comes over.
Well, call me as soon as you
can in the morning, will you?
By 10:00, ok?
Don't forget, 'cause
I'm in a tough spot.
You shouldn't have
kissed me so quick, bobby.
I didn't have a chance
to tell you anything.
It's those darn skyrockets.
Huh?
Never mind. Talk to
you tomorrow. Bye.
[Sighing]
I guess I'll just have to stay away
from everybody till tomorrow morning.
Peter. Peter, wake up.
Huh? Where's bobby?
He's sleeping.
Oh, no, he isn't.
He's not in his bed.
He was.
Oh.
Mike? (Mike) mmm-hmm?
Mike, bobby's gone.
What do you mean, "gone"?
Well, he made up his bed to look
like he was in it, but he isn't there.
Let's go take a look around.
What's all the excitement?
Bobby's gone. Gone?
Greg, did you see
him downstairs?
No, I was watching
the late show.
Do you suppose he
could have run away, mike?
Let's go take a look and see
if his bicycle's there. Come on.
(Carol) come on, peter.
Are you sure you boys
didn't have a fight with bobby?
Not me, mom. Me either, but
he sure was acting weird.
What do you mean, "weird"?
Well, he kept on looking at himself
in the mirror, I mean, like, all the time.
Bike's still here. Oh,
that's a good sign.
He could have hitchhiked away,
Or walked, or maybe
even roller-skated.
We appreciate
your optimism, peter.
Honey, why don't we
check the neighborhood?
Mom, we don't know
how long he's been gone.
Yeah, he could be miles away
by now. Maybe in another city.
Look, you brought us enough
good news for one night, peter.
♪ [Music playing] hey,
dad, you hear music?
Yes, I do. Me, too.
Hey, it seems to be
coming from over there.
♪ [Music playing]
[Turning off radio]
I guess you're all probably
wondering what I'm doing out here, huh?
Well, the question
has crossed our minds.
And I hope the
answer's a good one
Or you're really gonna
be in the doghouse.
Bobby, for your first kiss, did you
have to pick a girl with the mumps?
I didn't exactly pick
her. She kissed me first.
[Chuckling] women's
lib starts early, huh?
Well, didn't you notice
that her face was swollen?
It wasn't.
Besides, I was too busy
watching the skyrockets.
Skyrockets? Yeah, I'll
explain that one later.
Well, honey, we really appreciate
your trying to protect us,
But I sure wish you would
have told us about it.
Greg and peter would've
laughed me right out of town.
Well, now you're gonna
have to laugh your way
All the way to the doctor's
office for a checkup.
You know, mike, this may be
going through the school.
We've better have all
the kids go for a checkup.
Boy, it's a lucky thing you
and I have both had the mumps.
Well, honey, only one of
us is lucky, and it ain't me.
You mean, you've
never had the mumps?
Well, millicent isn't
positive she's got the mumps.
Not till she sees her doctor.
When's that?
Tomorrow morning. She's gonna
call me when she knows for sure.
Well, I guess we'll just have
to wait for a call from millicent.
Mom, dad, I'm really sorry.
No, that's ok, son.
If you had to get the mumps, you
got 'em the best way you could get 'em.
[Chuckling]
[Clearing throat]
What time is it, dad?
It's about one minute later
than the last time you asked.
Millicent sure
has a slow doctor.
By now, marcus welby could have
cured 5 diseases and done brain surgery.
More pancakes, anyone?
(Mike) mmm-hmm. Thanks, alice.
Who can eat at a time like this?
Bobby, not eating isn't going to make
the phone ring any faster. Come on.
Of all the things I don't
need right now, it's mumps.
Yeah, and if we do get 'em,
it'll be all bobby's fault.
My fault? Millicent's
your friend.
Yes, but I don't go
around kissing her.
That's supposed to be a secret.
Well, you made me say it.
Is that what the secret was?
Did you really kiss millicent?
Only as an experiment.
[All laughing]
Now the whole
neighborhood's gonna know.
That's what happens
to a guy with 3 sisters.
Ok, you guys, cool it.
[Phone ringing]
Do you have the
mumps or don't you?
Oh, it's you, sam.
Yeah, she's right here.
For you, alice.
Alice, will you
please make it quick?
Yeah, I will. Uh, look, sam, I
can't talk to you right now.
They're expecting a
very important phone ca...
A special on lamb
chops? How much?
For that, they must still have the wool
on 'em. Yeah, you better bring some over.
Oh, if there's a quarantine sign
on the door, just drop 'em and run.
Sorry. When I hear there's
a sale on meat, I flip out.
[Phone ringing]
Hello?
It's millicent!
Do you or don't you?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
(Bobby) uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Thanks. Bye.
Well? That was millicent.
(Jan) we know that!
(Cindy) yeah, what did she say?
Well, it was kind of private.
How can the mumps be private?
The part where she said that I
was a good kisser was private.
Yes, but what about the mumps?
She doesn't have 'em.
[All cheering]
I'll see you later.
Hey, come back here.
Where are you going?
[Mike groaning] millicent
said I should come over.
But don't worry, dad, we're
not thinking about marriage yet.
Yeah, well, there is something you
should be thinking about, you know?
All the problems
you could have caused
By hiding the fact that you'd
been exposed to the mumps.
(Carol) honey...
Don't ever be afraid to
come and tell us something.
I get the message.
Good. Now, can I
go see millicent?
Go. Thanks.
Boy, he can't seem to get
over those skyrockets, can he?
Yeah. The magic of youth.
Too bad we grow up and lose it.
Who said we have to lose it?
Wow! Skyrockets?
Oh, yeah. You, too? Definitely.
(Both) mmm.
I don't know what
the calendar says,
But, around here,
it's the 4th of july.
[All chattering]
Get ready for bed now, ok?
Alice, I think it's fantastic
That you and sam won the prize
for the charleston contest.
Well, you know, folks, i... I'm not
really sure we won it fair and square.
Why not? You're
both great dancers.
I have a confession to make.
Sam isn't that good.
He sure looked great.
Yeah, and to make sure he would,
Just before the music started,
I dropped a few ice
cubes down his back.