05x22 - The Hair-Brained Scheme

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Brady Bunch". Aired: September 1969 to March 1974.*
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A woman with three daughters marries a widower with three sons.
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05x22 - The Hair-Brained Scheme

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Here's the story ♪

♪ Of a lovely lady ♪

♪ Who was bringing up
three very lovely girls ♪

♪ All of them had hair of gold ♪

♪ Like their mother ♪

♪ The youngest one in curls ♪

♪ It's the story of
a man named brady ♪

♪ Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪

♪ They were four men
living all together ♪

♪ Yet they were all alone ♪

♪ Till the one day when
the lady met this fellow ♪

♪ And they knew that it was
much more than a hunch ♪

♪ That this group must
somehow form a family ♪

♪ That's the way we all
became the brady bunch ♪

♪ The brady bunch ♪

♪ The brady bunch ♪

♪ That's the way we
became the brady bunch ♪

Hi, alice. Hi, mom.

Oh, greg, you got it! Oh.

Yes. Can you put it on for us?

Oh, not now. Oh, please.

Yeah, come on, give
us a sneak preview.

Oh, ok.

[Doorbell rings]

(Bobby) I'll get it.

Oh, my son the scholar!

Do I look ok?

Oh, alice, isn't he handsome?

I just can't believe you're
finishing high school.

Seems like only yesterday
he was just starting.

The way I figure my age, it was.

Yeah, and just think,

4 More years, he'll be
graduating from college.

If I make the grades.

Oh, you'll make the
grades, all right.

You're sure, huh?

Sure, 'cause you'll
have the incentive.

If you don't, we'll k*ll you.

It came! It came!

It finally came!

What came? This package.

What's in this package is
gonna make me $1 million.

(Bobby) how about that?

You were going to
make $1 million from

Hair tonic?

[Greg laughing]

It's not just hair tonic.

It's neat and
natural hair tonic.

If you want to look
neat, this can't be b*at.

I never heard of it. Me, either.

Well, you can't
buy it in stores.

Only from us
independent dealers.

Bobby, how do you plan
to make $1 million from this?

Very simple.

I bought each bottle for $1.

And the neat and natural company

Guarantees that I can
sell each one for $2.

So I sell all 24
bottles, I make $24.

I sell a million
bottles, I make $1 million.

I think he's been using
that stuff on his own head

And it went soft.

Bobby, how did you get
involved in something like this?

These things are just
gimmicks to get your money.

Not this one.

There was a big
ad in my magazine.

[Scoffing] gonna make $1
million with that junk.

Boy, is he dumb.

He's going into college, he doesn't
even know a thing about business.

Listen, young man,

I'm afraid there are a lot of
things you don't know yourself.

You're gonna find
out the hard way

That it's not all that
easy making $1 million.

I didn't say it was
gonna be easy.

I know it's gonna take weeks
and weeks of hard work.

Maybe even months.

Let's see, 2 times 12 is 24.

4 Times 12 is 48.

Let's see now, 6
times 12... 72. Thanks.

Cindy, could you do your
homework a little bit more quietly?

I'm not doing homework.

I'm figuring out how
much money I'm gonna make.

Doing what?

Going into business.

I'm going to be a
millionaire like bobby.

I think that one millionaire
in the family is enough.

[Laughs]

Just, uh, how do you plan
to make your millions, cindy?

I got the idea passing
mr. Kirby's pet shop.

I'm gonna raise rabbits.

[Laughing]

You're gonna raise rabbits?

Sure. On account
of how they multiply.

Takes a lot of multiplying
to make a million.

Well, look, I start
with 2 rabbits.

They have babies,

And their babies have babies
and then their babies have babies...

And then the health department
comes over and condemns our house.

Oliver, try just one
bottle of this amazing tonic

And you have my
personal guarantee

That every girl at school
will fall at your feet.

Well, I would,
except for 2 things.

What?

Number 1: I'm busted.

Number 2: I'm too young
to mess with girls.

Oh.

Well, in that case, how'd
you like to make some money?

Well, sure. How?

By going to work for me.

See, now that I'm
gonna be a millionaire,

I'm gonna have to have an
assistant. Me, an assistant millionaire!

Wow! How much do I get paid?

Well, not much at first.

How much is not much?

Nothing.

I can make nothing
doing nothing.

Well, listen, you
don't understand.

See, first you'd start
with on-the-job training.

Then you'd start making money.

Ok, it's a deal.

Hi, greg.

You know, I'm really
worried about you. Me, too.

Uh, what are you worried about?

Your appearance
for graduation friday.

Oh?

Uh, anything in particular?

Yeah. Your unruly hair.

I see. And I suppose you
two have the answer

To the unruly
condition of my hair?

Very possible.

The answer is

A bottle of neat and
natural hair tonic.

Just what I figured.

But I'm sorry. I'm
not interested.

I'm just going to have
to graduate unruly.

(Bobby) but... But
greg... No, buts!

I'm even giving you the first
cr*ck at my limited supply.

'Cause you're a relative.

Let me be among the
first to say "goodbye."

You had your chance.

Yeah.

Hey, mom, look what I got.

What in the world! Alice...
Rabbits. Those are rabbits.

(Cindy) I named them
romeo and juliet.

I'm gonna sell the babies
to mr. Kirby at the pet store

For $1 each.

Did mr. Kirby say he'd buy them?

Not yet. But I'm sure he will,

'Cause he can sell 'em to
other people for $3 each.

How can you be so sure?

He sold these to me for $3 each.

I think it's mr. Kirby that's
gonna be the millionaire.

Cindy, I hope you understand

That romeo and juliet are
going to be your responsibility.

Don't worry, mom.

I'll take really
good care of 'em.

I'll keep 'em right
up in my room.

What about your 2 sisters?

They can stay, too.

I was referring to
the noise and the smell.

Don't worry. The
rabbits will get used to it.

[Laughing] oh, cindy.

I think it would be a
lot less complicated

If we move the rabbits
onto the service porch.

That's even a better idea.

Do you hear that?

You're going to get first
floor accommodations.

Now watch me.

Play close attention to
my expert sales technique

And learn.

[Doorbell ringing]

Madame, are you tired of
your hair being an unruly mess?

Dry, brittle...

That's not hard to learn.

[Doorbell ringing] hey, bobby, the
sign says "no peddlers or agents."

Does that mean us?

'Course not. We're salesmen.

Yes? Sir, would
you like to buy...

Can't you read, kid?

The sign says "no
peddlers nor agents."

Yeah, but I'm a salesman.

A salesman's a
peddler. Now scram. Hey!

Then, sir, maybe you
could talk to oliver here.

Oh, you're not a
peddler or agent?

Uh, no, sir. Well, what are you?

[Laughing] I'm just
a little boy.

What do you want?

It's not what we want,
sir. It's what you want.

A bottle of neat and
natural hair tonic.

It keeps your hair
well-groomed all day.

I'm a night watchman.
I sleep all day.

Well, it works at night, too.

Sorry. I'm not interested.

But, sir!

Sir, don't you want to look
well-groomed for your job?

I told you, I'm a
night watchman.

Who needs to look
good for a burglar?

Well, if the burglar scares you,

This'll keep your hair
from standing on end.

Not my hair.

Now bye.

Hi, honey. How goes
the millionaire business?

Awful. I didn't
make a single sale.

Well, after all, it's
only your first day.

Yeah, and it's also my last day.

You don't mean you're quitting.

Yeah. I'm a failure.

Bobby, you stop that.

Listen, you know
there's an old saying:

"Quitters never win,
and winners never quit."

Yeah. That's corny, mom.

Well, it may be corny,
but it's also true.

Listen, honey, the
great ones never quit

No matter how rough things get.

Now take thomas
edison, for instance.

Did he quit? No.

How about the wright
brothers? Did they quit?

No. And how about carl mahakian?

Carl mahakian?
Never heard of him.

That's right, 'cause he quit.

It's a joke.

Anyway, I am trying
to prove a point.

If you really
believe in something,

If you really want to do it,

You've gotta hang in there.

Boy, I wish I had as much
confidence in me as you do.

Thanks for the advice, mom.

Well, it's a little big,
but you'll grow into it.

Boy, giving me your
letterman sweater.

I really appreciate it, greg.

Well, look, I'm graduating

And you'll be going to westdale.

But this letter comes off.

You'll have to earn your own.

Don't worry, I'll earn
one in some sport.

Yeah, chasing girls.

Hi. Hi.

What's the matter with you?

I'm a failure. That's
what's the matter with me.

Bob, you're not old
enough to be a failure, yet.

Well, I got an early start.

You didn't sell any of
your hair tonic, huh?

Not a drop.

Well, cheer up.
You'll sell some.

Are you kiddin'? I couldn't
sell a bag of peanuts

To a starving elephant.

Uh, bobby, look,
i-i've been thinking.

You're right.

I gotta look my
best for graduation.

I really need a
bottle of that stuff.

You're just doin' it 'cause
you feel sorry for me.

No! No, look. My hair's unruly.

It's dry and brittle.

Right, peter?

It's practically a fire hazard.

I'd like to buy a bottle, bobby.

You sure you're not
doin' it just out of charity?

Would I give up my
hard-earned cash

If I didn't really want it?

I guess not. You're
pretty cheap.

Thanks.

[Peter laughing]

Hey, peter, you could
use a bottle, too, huh?

Uh, sorry. There's something
I gotta do right away.

What? Leave. See you.

Boy, some brother.

Oh, that'll be $2.

Oh, yeah.

$2!

Oh, all right.

You're welcome. Oh, yeah. Hey!

Aren't you gonna put
some of that on? Yeah. Later.

[Sighing] see, just like I
thought. You're just doing it

Because you feel sorry
for me. Bobby, I said I didn't.

Well, then, put some on.

[Laughing] ok.

Here, I'll help you.
I can do it myself.

I want to give it free
customer service. Come on.

Uh, bobby, I can do it myself.

Just want to make
sure it's done right.

Don't worry, I'll do it right.

That's not enough.

I want you to be an example for
the whole neighborhood to see.

Bobby, not so much!

It's all right. Don't worry
about using too much.

You know where you
can always get more.

[Greg laughing] yeah.

Oops.

Use this stuff twice a day

And you'll be mr. Cool
of westdale high.

This stuff is...

(Greg) hey, bobby,
what's the towel for?

It's, uh, good for
your hair follicles.

See you later.

Where you goin'?

[Door slams]

Oh, no!

Orange!

Tomorrow's graduation, and I got

Orange hair!

Bobby!

Bobby, where are you?

Come on out! You
can't hide forever!

Hey, greg, what're
you doing down there?

Looking for bobby.
I'm gonna clobber him.

What...

[Laughing] hey, do you
know your hair's orange?

[Growls]

What happened?

Bobby's hair tonic.

Well, you're sure gonna be a
standout student at graduation.

Very funny.

[Laughing]

Has either of you seen bobby?

Greg, what happened
to your hair?

Bobby's hair tonic.

Bobby's hair tonic?

You mean, you actually
bought some of that junk?

Yeah, only because I
felt kind of sorry for him.

But now I really
feel sorry for him,

Because he's about to
have a fatal accident.

[Laughing] greg,

Do you want to borrow
this for your graduation?

It'll match your hair.

My assistant has
to help me feed them

And keep their cage clean.

You want the job?
How much does it pay?

10 Cents for each
baby rabbit I sell.

Boy, I'd make a lot of money!

Except I already have a
job as bobby's assistant.

Have you seen bobby? No.

Eww, what happened to your hair?

This junk.

Ooh, I'm gonna tear him
limb from limb when I find him.

I think I'll be your assistant.

Bobby doesn't have
much of a future now.

Ok, you feed romeo
and I'll feed juliet.

All right, now,
which one is which?

Gee, I'm not sure.

Well, how's everything
going in bunnyland?

Not so good.

We can't figure out which one's
romeo and which one's juliet.

Oh, well, juliet's the fat one.

She's the one that's
gonna have the babies.

But they're both fat.

Hey! Maybe they're
both gonna have babies!

No, I doubt that.

Well, why?

Well, um, romeos
don't have babies.

Why not?

Well, um...

I'll explain it to you
after dinner, oliver, ok?

You know something, cindy? What?

I think your mom has a
problem about discussing sex.

♪ [Humming]

What are you doing there?

Hiding from greg.

Why?

You don't know?

Know what?

He's planning to eliminate
one of your dependents: me!

[Laughing] what are
you talking about?

(Greg) mom! What?

Have you seen...
There he is. Greg!

[Yelling] oh, my goodness.

Come here, bobby!
I don't want...

Greg, wait a minute. What
happened to your hair?

This happened to my hair. Oh.

Now, you stand still, coward!

I'm no coward. I just
don't like getting k*lled!

Now, wait a minute, you two.
Let's not have any bloodshed.

Yeah, especially my blood.

Come here. Greg, stop it!

Well, what am I gonna
do about my hair?

Oh. Well, I don't know.
Leave your brother alone


And we'll try to
figure something out.

I knew something like this
was gonna happen, bobby.

Well, why didn't
you tell me? Well...

Here, let me see the bottle.

There's an address here.

Now look, why don't...
Why don't we call

The neat and natural
hair tonic company?

Maybe this happened to some
of their other customers.

Good... Good thinking,
mom. Yeah, good thinking.

Look, I'll try information.

Listen, greg, I'm really sorry.

I mean, I didn't know something
like this was gonna happen.

Yeah, I guess you couldn't know.

[Stammering] 'course not.
It could have been worse.

I'd like to know how.

It could've turned green.

Thanks.

You're real comforting.

I see.

Yeah.

Thank you, operator.

Well,

The neat and natural company
had its phone disconnected.

Oh, bobby, I knew
it was going to be

Some sort of shady outfit.

I was really a jerk

[Panting] to fall for
that ad in the magazine.

Well, what am I going to
do about tomorrow, mom?

It's graduation!

Well, greg, have you... Have
you tried to wash that stuff

Out of your hair?

No, I've been too busy
looking for this dumbhead!

So, for your sake,
it better work.

Oh, bobby, you better
say your prayers.

It didn't work.

I washed it 5 times
and it didn't work.

Well, at least you
got squeaky-clean hair.

I bet it grows out
in 6 to 8 months.

Fantastic.

Now, what do I do
in the meantime?

Well, you could shave your head

And pretend you're
a bowling ball.

[Laughing] he looks
like lucille ball.

It didn't wash out, huh, honey?

If anything, it got
brighter orange.

Well, look, I called the
better business bureau

About that neat and
natural hair tonic company.

Well, what'd they say?
The f.d.a. Closed them down.

Oh, well, now is a
great time to find out.

Well, there is one consolation.

I mean, outside of the color,

It's not going to hurt
your hair or your scalp.

Well, what about graduation?

I can't go out in
public like this.

Well, I do have a solution.

It might be a little
embarrassing,

But i... I think it'll work.

Mother, I couldn't possibly get

Any more embarrassed
than I already am.

Mom, if anybody
sees me in here...

Couldn't we just go
home and do the dye job?

And make it look
worse than it is?

No, greg, we've got to
let a professional do it.

Look, wait here. I'll see if I can
get 'em to do it in private, ok?

Ok. Hurry up. All right.

(Gretchen) I'm not really
sure I like this hairstyle.

Oh, gretchen, it's
going to look great,

And it's going to look so good
with your dress. Look, there's greg.

Greg brady in a beauty parlor?

Hi, greg.

Hi, suzie. Gretchen.

Well, what you doin' here?

Getting our hair done
for graduation tonight.

What are you doing here?

Uh... I'm just waiting
for my mother.

Isn't the weather a little warm

To be wearing a ski hat?

Not if you're going skiing.

But there's no snow
this time of year.

Well, no sense waiting
till the last minute.

Uh, listen, don't let me
hold you two girls up.

I'm sure you have more
important things to do.

Uh, greg, you're
acting very strange.

"Weird" is more the word.

Look, something's up.

Can you two keep a secret?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You see, I came in
here with my mother

Because she has this problem...

Are you sure you
can keep a secret?

Oh, sure. Positive.

Ok.

[Greg whispering]...i can trust
you not to breathe a word...

Greg. Greg, listen, they...

Uh, hi, girls. (Both) hi.

Can she take care of
it in private, mom? Yes,

But I thought it was our secret.

Oh, don't worry.

Suzie and gretchen won't tell.

Oh, never!

Wild horses couldn't
drag it out of us.

Sweet.

I'll see you at
graduation, girls.

Let's go, mom. Bye.

(Both) bye.

Could you tell that mrs.
Brady was wearing a wig?

Never.

Who would ever think
that underneath it

That poor woman's
completely bald.

Hi, kids. How'd it
go at the pet shop?

Awful.

Mr. Kirby said juliet
can't have babies.

What's her problem?

She's not a her. He's a him.

That's quite a problem.

Now I'm stuck with 2
romeos and no juliet.

I think you better
change their name.

Uh, how about romeo and julius?

Mr. Kirby won't buy
back romeo and julius.

How come?

He says he has too
many rabbits already.

Boy, am I a loser.

Quit complaining.
I'm a two-time loser.

You guys are about to see a
fortune go down the drain.

What're you gonna do?

Mom told me to pour it all out.

There goes my millions.

Well, that's life.
Just like that,

From diamond jim
to bankrupt bobby.

Sorry about that.

I'm bankrupt, too, bobby.

Oh, yeah? How come?

Because juliet's a boy

And mr. Kirby's a fink.

In other words, my
rabbits can't have babies

And mr. Kirby
won't buy them back.

Ok, bobby,

You're off the hook.

Hey, greg, your hair's
back to normal! Yeah.

(Cindy) it looks great!
Yeah, you'd never know.

Bobby! Look what you're doing.

[Stammering] i... I...
Listen, I'm really sorry.

I'll get a towel.
I'll dry 'em off.

Hey, look!

(Cindy) that stuff
turned 'em orange.

Hey, well, don't worry about
it. The tonic won't hurt 'em.

Mom checked it out.

Yeah, but what am I going
to do with orange rabbits?

Maybe mom will get 'em an
appointment at the beauty parlor.

I think I've got it.

What?

The solution to our
millionaire problems!

(Bobby) this is fantastic!

I knew it would work, you guys.

Bobby's the greatest!

He's a financial genius.

What happened? Where'd
you get the check?

We sold cindy's rabbits back
to mr. Kirby at the pet shop.

I thought mr. Kirby
had enough rabbits.

Enough ordinary rabbits,
but not orange ones.

Neat and natural orange.

Don't tell me those rabbits
got into the shower with greg.

I got all my money
back, too, mom. How?

(Bobby) see, I sold all the rest
of my hair tonic to mr. Kirby,

So he could make
more orange rabbits.

It's harmless and it'll
grow out. You said so.

Yeah.

You know, I got an idea.

If we bought a
carload of rabbits,

And a carload of
that hair tonic...

Oliver, that's a fantastic idea!

Bobby.

How could you think
of such a stupid idea?

What are we going
to do with the money?

I know!

I saw it in an ad
in the newspaper.

We could make a
fortune raising worms!

(Oliver) you mean orange worms!

[Children yelling]

[All chattering] oh, greg,
we are so proud of you

Graduating with honors.

Too bad your father was
out of town and had to miss it.

I'll break out the ice cream
and cake so we can celebrate.

Hey, good idea, alice.
I'll help you alice.

[Laughing] hey, can
you believe it?

Have you decided what
college you're going to yet?

No, not yet.

You two are just gonna have to
wait and see who gets my room.

I know what to
do with your room,

So they won't have
to fight over it.

What's that, oliver?

Make it into a guest room.

Who'd be the guest?

Me, cousin oliver.

Well, gosh, it was
only a suggestion.
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