01x06 - Two Aces

[bunniefuu]

Oh, boy.

Morning, fellas. Sorry I'm late.

Just needed to clear my head
so I decided to, you know, walk to work.

Turns out that clearing and walking
in a town you don't know all too well

can be a little tricky.

Ended up getting lost
but, you know, then I got unlost,

then I got lost again but...

Well, you know, now I'm here, you know.
Beard's here, Nate's here, which is great

because the world
can be a sad, lonely place, but...

Hey, come on now,
let's get to work, shall we?

Michelle.

Which is fine.

You know, it's okay,
'cause it's a great time now for me to,

you know, bury myself in my work here.

And so... Although, I'm not crazy...

I don't love the word "bury,"
you know what I mean?

It's just got a negative connotation
to it, don't it?

What's another word I could say?

Everyone loves a good bath, right?
Just a nice warm bath, right? Yeah?

So that's what I'll say. I'll say,
"I'm gonna bathe myself in work."

How 'bout that? That's good. That's good.

Nate, you got a favorite bath b*mb, buddy?

No, I just don't really enjoy baths,
just 'cause my skin gets really wrinkly,

and I'm deeply worried about aging.

Okay, I get that. What about you, Coach?
You got a favorite bath b*mb?

Crème brûlée honey.

Honey? Is that an ingredient
or something you just called me?

- Ingredient.
- sh**t.

I was hoping it was the other one.
But that's kind of a fun idea.

Maybe we start calling each other
little pet names.

You know?
Like "honey" or "babe," you know?

It might be nice, right?
What do you think, Coach?

Nate, will you do me a favor here?

Will you just help Coach
plan practice for today?

- Absolutely. Yeah.
- All right. Thank you, sweetie.

Okay, I'll see y'all in a little bit.

- Is he all right?
- No.

All right. Shall we?
Sarah, why don't you lead us off?

So, Coach Lasso.
You finally won your first match.

How's it feel?

Well, Sarah, I believe you can
outscore your opponent and still lose.

Just like you can score less than them
and win.

But last week we definitely won,
which is pretty darn fun.

All right, next question.

Trent Crimm, The Independent.

Trent Crimm, The Independent.

Is it safe to assume that Jamie Tartt
will be back on the pitch next match?

Well, you know what they say
when you assume, Trent?

You make an arse outta you and me. Yeah?

And that right there is another example

of how our English and y'all's English
sometimes do not jive, innit?

But are you honestly gonna keep
your best player on the bench?

Well, that depends on Jamie.
He knows what we need from him.

Let's keep it going, yeah?
Kip, come on, hit me.

- Ted. Just the man I wanted to see.
- Hey, boss.

Your decision to bench Jamie Tartt
was very brave.

- Thank you.
- I mean, a masterstroke.

I don't think we're allowed
to talk like that at work anymore.

There's just one complication now.

Manchester City have called,

and they've inquired
about terminating Jamie's loan.

- They're gonna take his house?
- No.

Ted, Jamie's contract is owned
by Manchester City,

and they, in turn,
loaned him to Richmond for the season.

Okay. I get it.

They want Jamie back
if you are planning to bench him.

I'm not planning on that.
No, my plan is for my plan to work.

But you know what they say about
the best-laid plans, right?

Said "plan" too many times.
Word's lost all its meaning now.

Plan. Plan. Plan. Doesn't matter.

Hey, you tell Man City
that this man has a plan.

- Plan. Plan. Plan?
- Plan.

- Plan?
- Not plan.

- Plan.
- Plan.

- Plan.
- Like "flan." Plan.

Flan? That dessert?

Yes, like "flan."

No, I don't dig on flan.

Plan. Plan.

Plan. Plan?

- Word become a sound?
- What's that called again?

- Semantic satiation.
- Yeah.

Okay. All right.

Is that new kid from Mexico here yet?

- He's getting treatment on his knee.
- Okay, good.

- What's his name again?
- Dani Rojas.

Yeah. It's a great name. Okay.

How's Jamie doing?

What?

Says he can't practice today.
Says he's hurt.

Oh, boy.

Hey, Jamie.

I heard you're not gonna be able
to run with us today. That true?

Yep.

Why's that?

'Cause I'm hurt.

Really sorry to hear that.

Relax, Ted. It's just practice.

Hey.

If you can't practice, you can't practice.

If you're hurt, you're hurt.
It's as simple as that.

But it ain't about that... at all.

You're sitting in here. You're supposed
to be the franchise player.

And yet here we are,
talking about you missing practice.

We're talking about practice.

You understand me? Practice.

Not a game.

Not a game. Not the game
you go out there and die for. Right?

Play every weekend
like it's your last, right?

No, we're talking about practice, man.

Practice! You know
you're supposed to be out there.

You know you're supposed to
lead by example.

You're just shoving that all aside.

And so here we are, Jamie.
We're talking about practice.

Not a game.

Not the game.

We're talking about practice,
with your team. With your teammates.

The only place we get to play together,
we got control over.

Rest of the time
it's us 11 against those 11.

We're talking about practice, man!

I'm talking about practice!
And you can't do it 'cause you're hurt.

Right?

It's fine by me.

Tell you what. Do me a favor.

When you get out there,

set up the cones so the other reserves
can do a little passing drill.

- You want me to set up cones?
- I really appreciate it.

- Colin, go set the cones up.
- I think he asked you, mate.

Was I talking to you, big man?

Colin, set up the cones.

Isaac's right. He asked you.
You are a second-teamer.

That's gotta sting.

Cheers.

I must say, it's quite nice seeing Jamie
put in his place for once.

- Thrilling even, innit?
- No, no, no.

This is a no schadenfreude zone,
all right?

- Nein schadenfreude.
- All right.

The new kid, what's his... Dani what?

- Rojas.
- Rojas, yeah. Is he any good?

Came here in the summer transfer window,
was immediately injured,

- so no one's really seen him play.
- That's okay.

You know, 'cause once Jamie sees
someone else playing his position,

you know...
I mean, it's gonna hurt his soul.

I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't be happy about that.

Okay, let's be sure to help Dani
get acclimated, all right?

First time in this league
can be very overwhelming.

Dani Rojas, Rojas! Dani Rojas!

Rojas, Dani Rojas! Rojas, Rojas, Rojas!

Hey! Hello, coaches.

- Thank you for the opportunity.
- Yeah. You are a spirited fella, Dani.

Just go on out there,
and get the striker spot for us, okay?

Yes! Just like back in Guadalajara,
you say it, I do it, Coach.

Football is life!

I like him.

Jamie doesn't.

Chipper dickheads like that
can never back it up on the pitch.

Beautiful cross, Sam!

Football is life!

Oh, boy.

Did you see that?

I can't really tell,
but it seems like he's very good.

Cheers, again.

And some unemployed gaffers are asking
if we'll have an opening soon.

Tony Pulis. Alan Curbishley.
Harry Redknapp called three times.

Hi. I've been up all night
doing deep dives on all the players.

Did you know that Richard
was raised on a goat farm?

And that Isaac's mother
has two left hands?

And I called a couple of contacts
about some sponsorship opportunities.

Even got myself a little work planner.

You couldn't get one
without the word "unicorn" written on it?

f*ck off. It's adorable.

Sorry, I couldn't help but think
how you'd react if I told you to F off.

- That'll be all, Higgins.
- Of course.

I'm really glad to see
that you're laughing.

I just came by to see
if you're okay, really.

Why wouldn't I be?

Oh, Christ.
Have you not seen the news yet?

I really wanted to be the one
to comfort you, not to break it to you.

So, you remember that stunning girl, Bex?

The one that Rupert left with
the night of the gala?

Do you really want me to pretend
that she wasn't mad fit?

I'd appreciate it.

Okay, well. That hideous cow,
whose name's Bex,

- which is actually short for...
- Rebecca.

Yep, which is also your name, as you know.

So the press is calling her...

"New Rebecca." sh*t.

Nope.

The press is calling her "Rebecca,"
and you're...

"Old Rebecca."

- What?
- Old Rebecca.

Old Rebecca?

Don't worry about it. You've got this.

And if you ever have a moment,

or if you don't got this,
then you just call me, right?

Wow! That was on purpose, yes?

Yeah. Look, mate.

You're good, yeah, but up here,

there's a difference
between good and great.

1-1. Your turn, amigo.

f*ck's sake.

Right, watch this then. Left post.

Wow. That was good.

I know.

Yeah!

I got lucky.

- Again tomorrow, Jamie Tartt?
- We'll see.

Football is life!

Dani Rojas, Rojas! Dani Rojas!

Oh, boy. I tell you, man.

I feel like we fell out of a lucky tree,
hit every branch on the way down,

ended up in a pool full of cash
and Sour Patch Kids.

I mean, Jamie is an ace, right?

You know, whose attitude
turned him into a seven of clubs.

So then we bring in another fella
to help turn him back into an ace

and then that fella ends up
being an ace himself.

And so now we got two aces.

Aces. Aces.
Oh, heck. I did it again. I'm stuck.

- Aces.
- That's the word, yeah?

- Aces.
- Aces.

- Ace.
- Aces? Oh, now I'm in there.

- See? Okay, good.
- Aces? Aces.

- I hope it's not contagious.
- Aces.

- Aces. Aces.
- Aces? Aces.

- Aces.
- Aces.

- !sis.
- No, that sounds like "!sis."

I did say "!sis." I didn't mean to.

Okay, what if we cloned
the lead guitarist from Kiss?

- You'd have two...
- Frehleys.

It's lovely weather we've been having,
don't you think?

I love this time of year.

- All the smells of fresh leaves.
- What's happening?

I was just pretending
that the two of us were on a walk.

I'm trying to read.

I've been doing a lot of reading myself,
actually, recently.

I read this mad story

about a kid who grew up
in a sh*t part of South London.

And who got sent off to play as a child
in Sunderland, of all places.

And who later was forced
to rap his own verse in a charity single

which was called
"Winner, Winner, Football Dinner."

That was for world hunger.

And I believe it was the cure.

How do you know all this anyway?
What are you doing now? Stalking me?

No. I'm reading all the players' bios.

Rebecca's got me in
to help with the team's PR.

Well, you leave me out of it.
I'm not one of your show ponies.

You wear a number,
trot around while people clap,

so I wouldn't be
too high and mighty about it.

Later, Roy.

Dani Rojas! Dani, Dani!

Okay.

Okay, okay, I don't understand.
What the heck happened, all right?

- Did you trip over something?
- That's the thing, Coach.

I did not trip over something.
Something tripped me.

Something not there.

Yeah. Okay, Doc.
Let's go get him looked at.

Okay. You're okay.

God, this is all my fault.

I saw Dani go into the treatment room
before training,

and I didn't say anything.

That was a mistake.

How could you not say anything?

Well, I hope you've all
said your goodbyes,

- 'cause we're never gonna see him again.
- Hey, that's enough!

One more person says something
that me and Beard don't understand,

I'm gonna have one of my son's
classic temper tantrums.

It's basically just him
calling me a bunch of silly names,

you know, like, I don't know,
"dummy head" or "poo-poo face"

or "poo-poo dummy" or... I don't know.
What am I missing?

- "Pee-pee fingers."
- "Pee-pee fingers."

Come on, now. Spill.

The treatment room is cursed.

- What?
- It's true.

Why is this the first time
I'm hearing about this?

Well, I think it has a lot to do with
grown men being embarrassed

to admit that they believe
in all this hoodoo, voodoo, juju business.

- Hey, I don't believe it.
- Okay, good.

Then me and you,
we're gonna go look in that room.

- No.
- Why not?

Because... No.

Heck! Oh, man.

I mean, Dani was out there,
what, an hour ago?

Running circles on that pitch

like a joyous
raven-haired golden retriever.

Coach, is it true in America you guys
have so many beautiful dogs in pounds

that some get put down for no reason?

That is true, Sam.

But it's also something a lot of female
singer-songwriters are trying to change.

Look, we're not gonna put Dani Rojas down.
I'll tell you that right now.

Gentlemen, I need you to gather up
the rest of the fellas.

'Cause we got ourselves
a curse to reverse.

What the f*ck's wrong with you two?

The whole Richmond team's here.

Holy sh*t.

Hey, Coach. Jamie?

Okay. That's okay.

Hey, guys.

Hey, fellas. Fellas, listen up.

Thank you, guys, for coming out.

Look, I don't know a lot
about this stuff, you know.

I don't know about curses.

But I do know this,
they don't last forever.

Okay, look at the Boston Red Sox curse.
That's over.

Chicago Cubs, over.

Heck, even Mr. Martin Scorsese
finally won his Oscar.

But I think we can all agree that
The Departed

is not necessarily his best work.

- No.
- Yeah.

- That belongs to The Color of Money.
- No, it's Goodfellas.

- Agree to disagree.
- Nah, nah. It's Age of Innocence, bruv.

- Cape Fear.
- Silence!

Oi, once the word gets out
you lot are in here,

this place will turn into a f*cking zoo.

And the answer's Mean Streets.

- Yeah. That's a good one.
- Yeah.

You're all here
because of this poster behind me.

Mr. Higgins.

"Are you a fast, fit, fan of football?"

That's solid alliteration right there.

Hundreds of those posters

were put up around Richmond
on the 18th of November, 1914.

It was an invitation for young men

to try out to be
a professional footballer.

It said to come to our stadium that day.

And it was a lie.

In 1914, the w*r was raging.
There was no tryout.

Just recruiters, waiting to encourage
those boys to fight the fight.

They enlisted 400 lads that day.

Very few of them came home.

And after they enlisted...

do you know where they went
for their physical?

Oh, Christ,
it's our treatment room, isn't it?

What are you talking about?

Hey, no, no, no. Hey, no, fellas.
No, it was not, okay?

It was. I'm sorry, I'm lying to ya.
I don't even know why I'm lying.

I'm sorry. I just wanted y'all
to take a breath for a second.

Wait, wait, wait. What you're telling me
is that we've got 400 ghosts?

That's too many ghosts.

We cannot fight them all.

We're not going
to have to fight them, Richard.

Wait, so, Coach, how do we fix this?

- We can't change the past.
- No, Sam. No, we cannot.

But we can choose to honor it.

Now, those young men,
they made the ultimate sacrifice.

So I think it's only fair
that we sacrifice something of our own.

I'm gonna ask each and every one of you
to go home tonight,

find something, an item.

Something personal.
Something that you truly value.

And I want you to bring it tonight
to the clubhouse, at midnight.

No. That is bullshit.

We're all going to f*cking do it!

All right.

That's your captain talking right there.

Richmond! Richmond! Richmond!

Told you.

Richmond! Richmond! Richmond!

Hi, Jamie. What do you need?

Babe, I said it was important.
We can't go inside your house?

No way! We can't.

Sex was, like, the only thing
that you and I was good at.

I've had three glasses of wine.
It's Pavlovian.

Pavlovian? What is that? Is that the wine?

Babe, can we not at least
just get inside my car? It's cold.

No. You don't remember how many times
we shagged in this thing?

So the car's also Pavlovian?

Think I'm getting it now.

So, what's up, Jamie?

f*cking Ted Lasso.

He's really gotten up your bum, hasn't he?

Babe, he's not even a real coach.

Do you know what
we're supposed to do tonight?

Apparently, some bullshit sacrifice,
show-and-tell bullshit.

- Okay. You gonna go?
- No, 'course I'm not.

- Is everyone else doing it?
- Yeah, but I'm Jamie Tartt.

I'm not like everyone else.

Do you think that I could've got
from a council estate in North Manchester

to the Premier League,

if I did what everyone else did?

No. I don't.

You're a battler, Jamie.

It's really hot.

But maybe someday
you should stop battling the people

that just wanna help you.

I feel like you want me to come in.

It's Pavlovian.

Have a good night, Jamie Tartt.

Come in.

Excuse me, Ms. Welton. Hi, I'm Sam.
Sam Obisanya. I play for the team.

Yes, Sam. I know who you are.

Is there something I can help you with?

This is really awkward,
but are you free tonight?

Sam, I am very flattered, but...

No, no, no. It's not for romance.

It's just to get rid of this curse.
I can understand why you misinterpreted.

I mean, you're so lovely

you must get romantic invitations
all the time.

That's nice.

Gosh, I'm dealing with
my own sort of curse. Anyway, thank you.

I'm from Nigeria, and so I feel like
whenever the subject of curses comes up,

people are like, "I bet the African guy
is really into this."

- You're obviously not?
- No, no, no. I really am.

But that's mainly
from loving Harry Potter.

Do you know J.K. Rowling
has more money than the Queen?

I did.

I like the idea of someone becoming rich,
because of what they gave to the world.

Not just because of who their family is.

Well, Ms. Welton, I really hope you can
participate in this ceremony

that we're having later tonight.

I don't think so.

I apologize,
but I can't take no for an answer.

Coach thinks it will only work
if the whole team is there,

and Ms. Welton, it's your team.

So you have to be there. Please.

At least think about it.

For you, Sam, I will.

Thank you.

See you tonight.

See ya.

Gentlemen, I am, by nature, a believer.

Ghosts, spirit guides, aliens.

Still, I can't actually tell you

what lives beyond our physical world
and what doesn't.

What I can tell you,

is that with the exception

of the wit and wisdom
of Calvin and Hobbes,

not much lasts forever.

- Hey, boss. Glad you could join us.
- Hello. Yeah.

Roy, why don't you
get things started for us?

I was nine
when I got scouted by Sunderland,

and I'd never left London before.

My granddad drove me all the way there,
and it was freezing, and I was terrified.

I was f*cking nine. Say something.

When I got there,
he gave me this old blanket.

He said it was to keep me warm
and to remind me of home.

And that was the last time I saw him.

'Cause he'd passed away by the time
I got back for Christmas, so...

That is why blankie means so much to me.

Did you just say "blankie"?

No, I said "blanket."
Conversation over. Sam, go.

This is a picture
of the 1994 Nigerian World Cup team.

I pledged I wouldn't take this down
until I made the team myself...

and I still intend to do that.

This sand is from a beach in St. Barts.

This is the first beach where I ever...

It's the first beach where I ever slept
with a supermodel.

- Smile because it happened.
- Thanks.

Sam and Richard coming at ya
from both ends of the spectrum there.

Appreciate that.

A girl once said I look like Clive Owen
in these sunglasses.

I don't think I can do it.

- Come on, Nate. Throw 'em in.
- You got it, Nate. Give it a toss.

- Nice.
- Good boy, Nate.

Thank you. Thank you.

Is that today's paper?

There's something in there about me,
as usual, and I'm trying not to care.

f*ck the haters.

Word.

This is my cat's collar.
She was a faithful companion for 20 years.

Gonna miss you, Cindy Clawford.

It's the only pen
I can write my name with.

The keys to my Lamborghini.

How you getting home?

- All right. Everybody go?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- No. I wanna go.

These aren't my first boots or anything.
My mum gave 'em me.

She was the one who got me into football
in the first place.

Her and me dad split up
when I was just a sexy little baby.

She's the reason I work so hard.
Just wanted to make her proud.

She doesn't even care if I'm any good.

Just wants me to be happy. Be a good lad.

Once I got good though, me old man
started showing up, didn't he?

You know, bragging to all his mates
every time I scored a goal.

Calling me "soft" if I didn't...
dominate, you know.

And I hated that.

I actually f*cking hated that.

So, I made a vow to be so tough
that he could never call me "soft" again.

I wonder if sometimes...

I forget about making her proud.

I don't think that she would be lately.

Well, gentlemen...

What do you say we burn this crap?

Maybe we should do this part outside.

- Yeah.
- That's a good call.

Yeah. That's smart. Okay.

Hey, would you guys mind
grabbing this for me?

Excuse me, Ted. The eagle has landed.

Hey, fellas.

I think the only way to know
if the curse has been lifted or not,

we need to ask the spirits for a sign.

Spirits...

speak to us.

Dani Rojas! Rojas! Dani Rojas.

I brought a bottle of mezcal
to throw into the curse fire.

Hey, hey, hey. Rojas, look.

Whatever ghosts it were
that made you trip over,

they're gone now, I promise, yeah.

cr*ck that bastard open.

- Yeah, boy!
- Yeah.

Jamie's not wrong. Ghosts prefer
empty bottles that we've all drunk.

Fact.

Let us celebrate, amigos.

That is a team united.

You're very lucky that everything's fine
with Dani's injury.

I just never had you pegged
as a gambler, Ted.

I'm not. We knew Dani's okay hours ago.

In fact, it was my man Higgins' idea

not to share that info with the boys
until after the ceremony.

- You don't say.
- Yeah.

Putting the team first, eh, Higgins?

Yeah, I suppose I am.

Hey, Coach, you joining the party or what?

What do you say, boss?
A lot warmer over there by the fire.

I'll respectfully pass.

Higgins, coming with me?

Off you go.

All right now, what's this going on?

What's going on here? What's going on?

Richmond till we die.

We're Richmond till we die.

We know we are, we're sure we are.
We're Richmond till we die.

We're Richmond till we die.
We're Richmond till we die.

We know we are, we're sure we are.
We're Richmond till we die.

We're Richmond till we die.
We're Richmond till we die.

We know we are, we're sure we are.
We're Richmond till we die.

We're Richmond till we die.
We're Richmond till we die.

We know we are, we're sure we are.
We're Richmond till we die.

We're Richmond till we die.
We're Richmond till we die.

We know we are, we're sure we are.
We're Richmond till we die.

Morning. How y'all doin'?

Hey. That's cool.

Oh, boy. Here we go.

I got it.

Interception. Easy, gentlemen, easy.

Good morning, honey bunch.

You hear that buzz out there? I love it.

How you doing?

You got rid of Jamie?

Man City recalled him.

I told you, Ted.
They were concerned he wasn't playing.

I finally got through to him!

I mean, you saw it.

With him and Dani,
we had two aces, Rebecca.

- I thought that was what you wanted.
- Yeah, well, you thought wrong!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my tone there,
okay. That was rude.

Look, I'm trying to be cool about this,
but I am just seeing red everywhere.

Well, perhaps you should leave
before you say something you'll regret.

No, actually, you know what? Here you go.

Your biscuits.

I hope they're not as good
as they usually are.

But dang it, they're the best batch yet.
I finally cracked the recipe!

Coach?

Football is life.