05x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

- Morning.
- Morning.

Sleep well?

"Ask again later."

Is that one of those magic -balls?
Yeah, I got it from the op shop.

I've decided to let it make
my decisions for the day

and if it goes well, I'll never
have to make another decision again.

Oh, yeah? Sounds like a terrible idea.

Is this a terrible idea?

My reply is no.
Bet you feel like an idiot now.

What if it tells you to jump off a
cliff or punch a tenant in the face?

I'm not going to ask it stuff like that,
am I?

You try. Ask it if you should
have pancakes for breakfast.

Nup.

Come on. What if your life
could be exponentially better

in ways you can't even imagine,
all because today you chose pancakes?

I doubt it. Oh, you're scared.

That's like saying I'm
scared to roll a dice.

What if it was magic dice?

They make hundreds of those bowls...
Balls...

They'd make hundreds of those
things in a factory somewhere,

I doubt each one's blessed by a wizard.

Wouldn't be hard.
The wizard would just stand

at the production line conveyor belt.

Just blessed, blessed, blessed. Easy.

Well, their arms would get tired
and it's a waste of their talent.

Why are you so against this?

I just think those sort of
things prey on gullible people.

(GASPS) Do they?

People think they're
some sort of magical item

and they're just a random number generator.

Will Daniel die this year?

Wh-wh-what are you doing?

What? It's just a random number generator.
Who cares what it says?

- Well, yeah, but...
- But what?

As an agnostic,
even though I am all about science,

I have to acknowledge that
there is a minuscule possibility

that magic is real and
you've just sealed my fate.

What'd the bowl say about me?

Should I tell Daniel?

- Sorry, buddy.
- Come on.

I'd like to help you, my hands are tied.

- Just tell me.
- Should I get dressed for work?

Boring.

- Where are you going?
- To get dressed.

- Em, what did the bowl say about me?
- It told me not to tell you.

- Well, ask it again.
- Best out of three.

It says, "Tell Daniel to stop asking."

I know that's not one of them.

What'd the bowl say?

Ball!

♪ Yeah, we know ♪

♪ Even if we had so far to go ♪

♪ Even if the pace is slow ♪

♪ Well,
I'll be coming home to you again ♪

♪ If we find ♪

♪ Something to feel that we belong ♪

♪ If we could right all the wrongs ♪

♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again.
♪

Mate, you're not actually worried, are you?

Watch this.

Will I get this in?

"Yes, definitely."

See? Doesn't know sh*t?

I know it's just... What?

You're obviously not gonna die this year.

Look at you, bloody picture of health.
You could be in a muesli ad.

What? What's happening?

Come here. Oh, right.

I found a lump this morning.

A lump?

Whenever I shower, I check... that stuff

and I found a lump on one of my testicles.

Oh, sh*t.

That would freak out a normal
person like me, and you're... you.

How far down the Google hole, are you?

Pretty far. Oh, I wouldn't...

Oh! Jesus. I warned you.

Why'd you click images?

Well, stop doing that right now
and book an appointment with Grace.

I can't go to my ex-girlfriend,

"Hey, long time no see,
can you please check my balls."

She's a GP and she's familiar with them.
She's perfect.

If anything, she's overqualified.

It's not like I showed them to her
heaps when we were dating. And...

... I only got them out in
certain lighting conditions.

Well, then call another doctor.

Yeah, but I trust Grace and I've
got her mobile if I get scared.

You're having a real problem
with balls today, aren't you?

- Yes, I am.
- Sorry.

It's just, you know,
you've got two problems,

and they're both about balls.
It's interesting.

Don't you two have inspections to go to?

Yes.

- You gonna tell your mum?
- About my balls? No.

What? She's had health scares in the past.

She might have some Barbara
wisdom to calm you down.

She's your mum.
When you're scared, you talk to your mum.

The only time I've talked
to Mum about genitals

is when I was years old,
she threw a sex-ed book on my bed

and said, "Read it." What was the book?

I don't know, it had a bunch of large
cartoon people rubbing together.

Is that why you're attracted
to large cartoon people?

That's one of the reasons, yes.

I mean, she's so good.
This used to all be prickle bushes.

Stop googling.

Hello!

Lena,
we don't give out awards but if we did,

you would win most cleanest.

And possibly most best-smelling.

Is that lavender? It is, yeah, yeah.

I make candles and soaps
and that sort of thing.

It's just a little hobby,

but I've actually got a
sample basket for you both.

- Oh.
- Thank you.

That is so nice.

Daniel's been meaning
to try soap for years.

No worries.

Actually, on an unrelated note, um...

... I have a favour to ask you guys.

Ah, sure.

I've got a problem with my landlord.

You... how? You're the best tenant ever.

No, she just keeps coming round to say...

... hi.

And sometimes she brings me a coffee.

Look, I know how it sounds.

Really nice?

Um, can you ask her to stop?

No, I can't just say,
"Can you please not come around anymore

"because I don't want you to."
She's my landlord?

What if she kicks me
out or raises the rent?

Plus it'd just be really awkward.

- Ah.
- So what do you want us to do?

I don't know. Just stop her coming
around without hurting her feelings.

I mean, is it that bad,
having a really friendly landlord?

Mm, she's...

... she's just...

I just don't like her, OK?

She acts like she knows everything,

she's never once asked me about myself

and she's constantly trying to improve me,
like...

Um, we'll talk to her. Mm.

Yeah, and make sure you don't say
anything about this coming from me.

Real estate agent confidentiality, right?

- Oh, I don't think...
- (RAP ON DOOR)

Oh, my God, that's her knock.
You recognise her knock?

Yeah, that's how often she comes round.

- Lena! It's me, Margaret.
- (SIGHS)

I mean, should we get the door?
We won't have to.

- (DOOR OPENS)
- Helloooo.

Hi, Margaret. Hello.

Hi.

I brought some of that
caramel tea for you to try.

It's just so great for sleep.

You know, it'll help with all the
puffiness and the bloodshot eyes

that you had yesterday.

Yeah, well, you came around very early.

But I will message you once I've tried it,
thank you...

Why don't you put the kettle on now?
I could use a cuppa. (CHUCKLES)

Mm-hm.

You're from, uh...

(SNEEZES) Oh, excuse me.

McCallum Real Estate, is that right?

Yes. Yes.

I've only ever dealt with Barbara,
but I recognised you

from the website. Oh.

You look a little different in real life.

Mm. Good different?

Mm?

Lena, she really looks after the place,
doesn't she?

Yes. Ah, in fact she's one...
A tidy home is a tidy mind.

Did you know if you do not make
your bed as soon as you get up,

you will have a less productive day?

(CRACKS KNUCKLES)

Oh, Lena!
Come on now, you know how much I hate that.

You do not want to get arthritis, do you?

Oh, sorry, it's just a habit.
It's actually a common myth

that cracking your
knuckles causes arthritis.

I don't think that's true.

My ex-girlfriend's a GP
and she told me that.

Well, all myths are based in reality.

They're not, actually.
That's why they're myths.

Well, my mother cracks her
knuckles and she has arthritis.

Yes, but that doesn't mean cracking
your knuckles causes the arthritis.

Hey, you got a new kettle.
Hey, it's not the one I recommended.

Oh, sure you had your reasons. (LAUGHS)

I knew it. Cracking knuckles
and arthritis is a myth. Look.

- I believe you.
- Well, good.

What are we going to do about Margaret?

I'm going to send her this article.

No, I mean like getting
her to stop going around.

Barbara signed her.
Maybe she can sort it out.

No, Mum will just handball it to us.

OK, so what's the plan.

- Hello.
- Sorry.

Just let it go. Some people just
believe what they wanna believe.

Oh, no, I've moved on now.

- I'm reading a...
- What?

- A support forum for testicular...
- Put it away right now!

- It's a support forum.
- I'll be your support forum.

- You're so brave.
- It's fine.

You've got hands-down
the best balls in the...

I'll stick to the internet one, thank you.

I mean it, it could be nothing, OK?

Worrying about it not's
going to help either way.

You're just going to get
yourself all worked up.

You never think it's gonna happen to you.

We don't know it's happened to you!

Look, ring Grace's practice
right now and book in, OK?

We can go after lunch.

If you don't call and book right now,
I'm calling myself.

While I'm driving.

- I'll use both hands on the phone.
- Fine, I'm calling.

Hi, I'd like to book an appointment
with Dr Howlett please...

- It's about his balls!
- Yes, thank you, mate.

Ah, it is about my balls.

I don't understand how
there are whole magazines

dedicated to fishing.

I mean, how much changes?

It's not like one of the articles is,
The Fish Are Onto Us.

Maybe I should have shaved them.

- Mate!
- Sorry.

Thanks for waiting with me.

Of course I'm gonna be here for you.

And don't worry, Grace is going to be fine.

She's a professional.

Seeing people's balls and
buttholes is just part of her day.

Same as when we inspect a house...
Can we please change the subject?

You brought it up.
I was talking about fishing.

A Bream Come True.

You gonna pick another topic?

Um...

... would you ever wear leather pants?

What? What made you think of that?

I don't know, it just...
it just popped in my head.

I don't think I've ever known
someone who wears leather pants.

Hi, you two.

- Hi, Grace.
- Hi.

Would you ever own leather pants?

No. Why?

If you have chafing,
I can recommend a cream.

No, Daniel asked me if I'd wear them.

- What, just out of the blue?
- Yeah.

She asked me to change the subject,
and it just popped into my head.

We were talking about fish.
It was a weird jump.

No, I...
Sorry, do you want to come in or... ?

- Yes, thank you.
- Good luck.

I Hate Barra Mondays.

Oh.

- It's good to see you.
- You too.

You too. What's been news?

We got a new photocopier,
so if you need anything copied...

We've got one at the
office but I'll make sure

to come to you from now on.

How's, um... ?

Jason? Yes.

He's good, thanks.

Sorry.

No, no, no, I asked and, ah, I'm...
I'm glad he's good.

Are you seeing any... one?

No, no, no, just, just...
taking some time for me.

Oh, good. That's very, um, healthy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, what can I do for you?

I found a lump on my balls.

Oh, right.

- Well, that's no good.
- Oh, God.

No, I just mean it could be anything,
though.

So there's no need to stress at this point.

I hope you haven't been googling.

No. Ahh.

Um, so I do this all the time.

I mean, I don't do this all the time,
but I do this.

So, um, stand up and pants down.

I should have seen a different doctor.

No, no, no. This is my job.

Don't worry.

I've seen you naked before.

The only difference is I'm not
naked too and I'm wearing gloves.

Come on, it'll be fine.

Was I suppose to shave them?

Oh, you didn't?

No... No, I'm kidding. (CHUCKLES)

You didn't have to.

Yeah, OK.

(SIGHS)

Man with a fish.

Man with a fish.

Fish... with a man.

Man with a...

MARGARET: Hello.
I have an appointment at : pm.

Doctor isn't running late, is she?
I have bocce at : .

It's a great game. Italian.
Sure, take a seat, please.

Emma!

Oh. Hi.

- Fancy seeing you twice in one day.
- Yeah.

Hey, you like four-wheel driving?

Oh, oh, no, you know,
just grabbing whatever's on the top.

Just waiting for Daniel.
Ooh, I thought he looked off.

- I donated those.
- Right.

You would love four-wheel driving,
by the way.

And, you know,
a little bit more sun wouldn't hurt you.

- Sorry?
- It's a lovely way to see nature

and it is good for the environment.

How is it good for the environment?

Well, by driving over the tracks,
we stop them from getting overgrown.

But the environment...

It's also part of the reason why I'm here.

I haven't been about to
enjoy it as much as usual

'cause my allergies have been playing up.
Very annoying.

Sure,
but surely squashing plants with a car...

I hope I don't have to wait long.
Sitting is the new smoking.

What?!

- You OK?
- Great.

- Almost done.
- No rush.

Uh...

... I think we should get an
ultrasound just to be safe.

How long have I got?

Well, my friend Priya will be
able to fit you in this afternoon.

Oh, no, no, no.
Um, how long have I got to live?

Oh, Dan, I mean, there are several reasons

you could have a lump that aren't serious.

I'm just getting the ultrasound to be sure.

If I was concerned, I'd tell you.

OK. Um, thank you.

And, ah, I'm sorry about this.

No, don't apologise. It's why I'm here.

I mean, I didn't specifically become
a doctor so that I could do this,

but... happy to help.

I've also got a problem with my butt,
if you don't mind having a look.

Oh. Uh, OK...

Sorry, that was a joke to
try and break the awkwardness

but I think I made it worse.

I mean, how is four-wheel
driving good for the environment?

It's pollution!

And surely the environment would
want the tracks to be overgrown.

Yeah.

Lena's a great tenant and
Margaret's gonna drive her out

and any other tenants
we try and put in there.

She just talks AT you.

I swear, if I'd fainted mid-sentence,

I don't think she would have noticed.

Other than tell Margaret
to leave Lena alone,

I'm not sure what else we can do.

Can you get a restraining order on
someone because they're annoying?

Ah, no, otherwise I...
I would have got one on you!

I said it first.

What are you looking up?
It better not be ball-related.

I can't help it.

I know it's silly but I feel
like if I just search enough,

I can find something that
tells me it's going to be fine.

If Grace isn't worried,
then you shouldn't be worried.

Yes,
but it's Grace's job to keep people calm,

no matter how sick they are.

Just tell me what the bowl said.
Am I going to die this year?

It said "very doubtful".

I think it's very doubtful
that's what it said.

OK, you're right.

I asked it if you were going to
die this year and it said "no way".

OK.

I looked up the possible answers
and that's not even one of them,

so which one, was it?
"It is certain. Outlook good."

- "Ask again later"...
- Who cares? You said it yourself,

it's just a random number thingy.

- It cost five bucks.
- Just... just tell me what it said.

And I'll know if you're lying.

- You really wanna know?
- Yes.

I'll stay calm.

"Most likely."

Most likely?! Oh, God!

It doesn't know what it's talking about.
It's a toy!

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die this year.

I don't even know what month.
Could be this month?

Could be tomorrow? Could be tonight?

Where are you going? Em?

Don't ask it again. "Most likely"
gives me a slim chance of survival.

- Come with me.
- Where...

- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna destroy it

so you can see inside it and
realise it's nothing special.

There's no Mount Doom to throw it into,
so the road'll have to do.

Em, wait, wait, wait.

You're right, I'm being silly.
Please don't wreck something you find fun

just because I worry too much.

I mean, you forget that I do
also find breaking things fun.

But I should never have asked
it if you were going to die.

I was just messing around,
and I hate how much it's upset you.

I know.
I'm sorry I keep talking about my balls.

Wizard made this one strong.
Should I get a brick?

You don't have to break it.

How about from now I only ask it
what I should have for breakfast?

Sounds good. AND will
I marry David Tennant.

Why not?!

These smell really good.

Do we have to give them back
if we can't solve her problem?

I've never been given a
'thanks in advance' gift before.

Almost feels like a thr*at.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Morning.

Oh, hi Mum.

Everything alright?

Yeah.

Well, actually...

Yes?

Just having a bit of a health scare.

It's probably nothing,
but I found a lump on my...

Balls. Thank you, Mrs Marsh.

Just waiting on the results.

Right.

Well,
you seem to be doing all the right things.

Try not to worry about it
and whatever comes next,

we'll deal with it then.

OK?

Thanks, Mum.

That was awesome. Do you feel better?

- I do, actually.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, God, it's Margaret!

What do we do?
I spoke to her in the waiting room.

- It's your turn.
- What? Em!

Hello.

Hi, Margaret.

Hello.

I just came in to, um,
drop off a book for Emma.

Local guide to four-wheel driving tracks.

Most people,
they get lost on their first outing.

I didn't.

That's, uh, that's very kind.

Hey, that's quite a collection
of soap you got there.

If you're suffering from body odour,
I have a few herbal remedies

- I can recommend.
- No, why would you presume that?

Well, it's a lot of soap for one person.

They're a gift from Lena. She makes
candles and soaps out of lavender.

Does she? She is full of surprises.

(SNIFFS AND SNEEZES)

Ooh.

Sorry.

Um,
can you ask Emma not to draw on the book,

or bend the pages in any way?
I will want it back.

Can do?

Hooroo.

(SNEEZES)

Oh, God.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Were you two hiding from Margaret?
She is still our client.

No, I had a meeting with Barbara.

And this is my office.
It made sense for me to be in it.

Oh, yeah, how come I
saw you walk out before

then walk straight back
in when Margaret arrived?

I realised I forgot something.

What? My meeting with Emma.

Lena doesn't want her
coming around anymore.

I know. Emma just told me. At our meeting.

So what do we do?

You tell her that Lena likes her privacy.

She's an adult, she'll understand.

If she doesn't, she's got a lot
to learn about being a landlord.

OK, great. Can you do it? You signed her.

No.

I feel like most of our job
is just to deal with the stuff

- you don't want to deal with.
- It is.

How are we going to break it to her?

What? Mate, I'm a genius.

Self-proclaimed doesn't count.

Margaret sneezed after she
smelled the basket, right?

She did. And at Lena's house that time.

Yeah.

And the other day, she told me that
her allergies have been playing up

- more than usual lately.
- OK.

Then when I was hiding
in Barbara's office...

- So you were hiding.
- Shh. I noticed she sneezed

as soon as she got next to Lena's soaps.

You think she's allergic to lavender.

- Bingzactly.
- What?

I couldn't decide whether
to say bingo or exactly.

Oh, right.

So what do you plan to
do with that information?

I'll tell you bingzactly
what we're gonna do.

Now, are you sure it's
lavender that's affecting her?

Like, % sure.

And this way, no-one's feelings get hurt,

she'll come over and just gently
bounce off the smell force-field.

It's actually making MY eyes water.

Hey,
did you know lavender promotes wellness?

This'll be really good for your balls.

- What?
- And may reduce mild pain.

- Let me pinch you.
- No.

- You won't feel it.
- No.

- Just come here, let me pinch you.
- No, no, get off.

- (BOTH BICKER)
- Guys, I think she's coming.

Um, well, we should probably
hide because even with this

she still might stay to chat,
'cause there's three of us.

Do you really think that or do
you just not want to talk to her?

- (CAR DOOR CLOSES)
- Let's say the first one.

- Bedroom.
- Thank you.

Ow! Did you feel that?

Yes!

(MARGARET'S RAP ON DOOR) I'm...
not sure about this.

It's not like we're releasing
a swarm of bees on her.

We're just putting
something she doesn't like

onto something she shouldn't touch.

- Like when a guy wears a fedora.
- (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

- Hello.
- Hi, Margaret.

Found it. That good posture video
I was telling you all about.

I really think you'll
notice the difference.

- No more hunching over like a goblin.
- Great.

(CLEARS THROAT) Ah.

Daniel mentioned your little hobby.

Yeah.

Yes...

That is a, um... that's a lot of candles.

Yeah, just, uh, testing
out all my products.

I'm suddenly quite warm.

(WHEEZES) Need some...

Some... fresh air.

- (WHEEZES)
- Um, guys?!

Are we gonna go to jail? Don't say that.

I don't know.

Absolutely not.

- Did you get it out of the bush?
- Yes.

What is the sentence for poisoning someone?

I did say that I'm...

You also helped me light a hundred candles.

Why did I listen to you guys?
What if she's not OK?

We didn't know this would happen.
You knew something would happen.

We thought she'd sneeze. I just feel awful.

Also, maybe you should look into
how powerful your products are.

I wouldn't call what happened
to her an example of wellness.

- Hello.
- Oh, my God, are you OK?

I am so sorry to scare you all.

She's OK now.

Her intolerance to lavender
send her into anaphylaxis.

So I gave her some adrenaline
and she's fine now.

Didn't even know I was allergic.

I'm sure I've been around lavender before.

Being exposed to such a large
amount caused the extreme reaction.

Yeah, there must have been what,
I mean, candles?

Could you send me a photo
later of them all blown out,

otherwise I won't be able to sleep?

Candles are a leading cause of house fires.

I am so sorry. I...

It was an innocent mistake.
How could you have known?

- We, uh...
- Well...

- Oh, no, sorry, you go.
- No, no, no, you go.

Well, um, I mean,
we maybe suspected that you...

... didn't love lavender and
might have put more of it around.

What? Why?

- It's not their fault.
- Thank you.

- Not entirely.
- Oh, yep.

It was because I was trying
to gently encourage you...

... not to come around so much.

I'm sorry, it's just I'm a real solo person

and I like my quiet and time to myself,
so...

Are you serious?

The poisoning was their idea, though.

Oh, I wouldn't call it poisoning.
But I did go along with it.

I am so sorry, and you know what?

I really do appreciate you
making an effort with me so...

... you know, you can come around
whenever you like from now on.

- Within reason.
- Fantastic. How about I move in?

Is that... within reason?

Just kidding.

I do not need to come around at all.

I mean, I thought I was doing you a favour.

- What, me?
- Yeah, you never have guests.

I thought you were lonely.

To be honest,
I've been getting a bit exhausted

trying to come up with
things to talk to you about.

(LAUGHS) That is so great.

- Is it?
- You're such a great tenant.

I wanted to make sure you were happy.

I am happy, yeah. I just like my own space.

That is so understandable.

I will make sure that
you have it from now on.

- Thank you.
- Thank you so much, Grace.

Yeah, no problem.

Margaret,
is there anything we can do for you?

A lift home would be nice.

What are we, a taxi service?

Sorry,
it was probably too soon to make jokes.

You can sit in the front seat.

So instead of doing what I said,
you poisoned one of our landlords.

And took her straight to the doctor

which is something an evil
poisoner wouldn't have done.

Oh, well done, then.

- What we did was dumb...
- Hold that sentence there.

I do not want to hear the 'but'.

HOWEVER, this did resolve it in a way
that didn't hurt anyone's feelings,

whilst hanging on to
one of our best tenants.

Yes, we did almost k*ll a landlord.

- I'm really sorry.
- Super sorry.

We're not done talking about this,
but you've got a visitor.

- Do you want support?
- Yes, please.

Hi, Grace.

Hi. I have news.

I'm happy for Emma to hear.

I'm gonna stand behind
you in case you faint.

Thanks, mate.

All clear.

- Yes!
- Yes!

- Three-way high five.
- Oh.

Except they never work
because of the angle.

Don't get a clean hit on the palm.
It was worth trying.

What was the lump?

Um, how much detail do you
want me to go into in a group?

Oh, let's just go all-in.

OK, it's called a spermatocele.

Basically it's a little
fluid-filled lump on your testicles.

Cool.

Yay.

Well, I think tonight we should
treat ourselves to the beer

that's in bottles.

Can I shout you a drink at the pub tonight?

Yeah, that'd be lovely.

You're not going to the pub tonight.
You almost k*lled a landlord.

That's fair.

Is this technically all Daniel's fault?

- Throw it in the bin.
- You said I could keep it.

- No, throw it in the bin.
- Alright, I'll give it to you.

You can throw it in the bin.
Just take it. Just take it.

- Em, give me the ball!
- A bowl of what?

Oh, very funny. Just give it here! Mum!

Maybe people just don't like fun runs.

What?!

I've been trying to get this town healthier

but I don't think anyone cares.

Do you want to get back together with her?

I just don't want her to feel bad again,
ever.

Just don't do anything rash.

She is in a relationship, you know?

Oh, good, you're here.

He's ruining Frank's birthday drinks.

Making us hand out
flyers to the whole town.

And my side has more letterboxes on it.
It's not fair.

You picked that side.

(GASPS) Hello! Hello.

Are you patting a dog?

No, no,
I'm putting a flyer in the letterbox.

Good boy. Good boy.

- Hello, hello!
- The letterbox is a good boy.

It is, yes. I'm coming over.

No, no, stick to your side.
I wanna pat a dog.

No dog here, mate.

- Hello. High five.
- He did it! He did it!

(GASPS) What?!

Uh! Amazing!