02x04 - Carol of the Bells

[bunniefuu]

["CHRISTMAS IN HOLLIS" PLAYING]

[PLAYERS CHEERING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES ON RADIO]

A scarf. Cool.

- Bumbercatch, did you make this?
- Yeah, man, knitting soothes me.

Sorry. I didn't know
everyone was doing booze.

Nah, mate. Cheers! This is great.

I can wrap it around my booze.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Colin.

[CHEERING]

Dani Rojas, approach.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

May your Secret Santa reveal himself.

[ALL] Ooh!

- [CHEERING]
- [MAN] And more booze!

All right. Let's see here.

["MELE KALIKIMAKA" PLAYING ON RADIO]

Aw. Nate, is this a photo of
you and me after our first win?

- Yeah.
- Thanks, buddy. I appreciate it.

Look at that.

"Ted, thank you for everything
you've done for me. Nathan".

- Aw!
- Aw. What a lovely inscription,

that you wrote completely
over my head, face and body.

- Sorry.
- [PLAYERS CHEERING]

Secret Santa's a fun new tradition.
As is a half-day for Christmas.

Well, I think we gotta be responsible.

We gotta save our legs
for tomorrow's big game.

So, to responsibility.

- Being responsible.
- Responsibility.

And if we get this Boxing Day win,

we'll finally have
more wins than losses.

Coach, what are you
doing the rest of the day?

I'm just spending it with my family.

I finally make enough money to
buy something nice for my dad.

He can be very tricky to shop for.

Oh, he's one of them fellas that
buys everything for himself, huh?

Oh, I wish. No, he
just hates everything.

What about you, Coach?

Uh, Jane and I are going to a pagan
Christmas ritual at Stonehenge.

What? I thought you two broke up.

We did, but we got the
tickets before we broke up.

So, we're going as friends.

Mmm, that's gonna be, uh...

What about you, Keeley? What
are you guys getting into?

Roy and I are celebrating
a new tradition

that I'm calling "Sexy Christmas".

[ALL] Ooh!

It's not gonna be like that.
It's gonna be a swinging...

- [ALL] Ooh!
- A swinging Sinatra,

Vegas-y type Christmas for adults
where we get all dressed up,

and we sip on martinis, sit by the fire.

And then it's gonna be like that.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
- [GRUNTING]

- Awooga! [CACKLES]
- [HIGGINS CHORTLES]

- You're talking about Sexy Christmas.
- Maybe.

Hey, boss.

- Let me get you a drink, yeah?
- Ooh, yes. Thank you.

How you spending the
rest of Santa's birthday?

I'm going to a Christmas
party at a friend's house.

What friend's that? First
and last name, please.

Elton John.

- Whoa.
- Holy sh*t!

Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer,
Prancer and Vixen.

[LAUGHS] Yes. Yes. It's
actually rather lovely.

We just sing carols
around Elton's piano,

and hopefully Rachel
Weisz and Daniel Craig

will do their puppet show again.

Mmm, that sounds like
double-O heaven to me.

- [CHUCKLES]
- What about you, Higgins?

Ah, the Higginses will be
opening Christmas presents

and then hosting an open house

for players who don't
have family in town.

Aw!

Something we do every year.
We usually get about, um, two.

It's really nice. You're
more than welcome, Ted.

I appreciate that offer, Higgie Smalls.
But I am all good, baby, baby.

This is the first Christmas the
family's away from each other,

so, you know, once Henry wakes
up here, in about an hour,

he wants us to open presents and
spend all day together on FaceTime.

It's gonna be a lovely afternoon of
yuletide cheer in two dimensions.

- Hey. Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas, Keeley.
- Merry Christmas.

How you doin'? What can I help you with?

Have you got anythin' that
I can give as a present?

Did you not buy a Secret Santa gift?

I didn't know I had to.

The email said "Secret Santa".

I didn't wanna ruin the surprise, did I?

- Oh, Jamie.
- You know what, hold on here.

Yep, here you go. Higgins,
look alive. [GRUNTS]

[MUSIC CONTINUES ON RADIO]

- What are you doin'? No, no.
- Here comes a little magic pixie dust.

[TED] Whoo! There's
your Christmas miracle.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

God bless me... everyone.

- [PLAYERS CHEERING]
- Wow.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

["HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE
CHRISTMAS" PLAYING ON GRAMOPHONE]

[GRUNTS, GAGS]

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [KEELEY] Whoo.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[SOFTLY] Okay.

Yep.

Merry Sexy Christmas!

Phoebe.

Didn't get my text, did ya?

Uh...

What did it say?

My sister got called to surgery,

so Phoebe's got to spend
Sexy Christmas with us.

Oh, right. Okay.

Phoebe, I'm sorry you can't spend
Christmas with your mum.

But we'll have fun together, yeah?

[PHOEBE] Please just leave me alone.

[ROY] Apparently, she's
been like this all week.

Won't talk about it.

I am sorry. I know this does make

Christmas significantly less sexy.

Oh, don't worry about it.
We can do Sexy Boxing Day.

Can't. I've got a match
all day. Working.

I can't do the day after.

Sexy December th.

- th. Sexiest of all the days.
- Yeah.

- Holy f*cking sh*t. You look incredible.
- [GIGGLES]

["LITTLE SAINT NICK" PLAYING ON RADIO]

[ALL] Ooh!

♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun! Dun-dun-dun! ♪

♪ Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun! Dun! ♪

Ooh! What could it be?

Clearly the surfboard I asked for.

[ALL CHANTING] Rip it,
rip it, rip it, rip it!

- [JULIE] Ooh!
- [HIGGINS] Yay!

Ah, perfect!

Okay.

Guests arriving in an
hour, time to clean up.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it!

Ooh. [CHUCKLES]

Merry Christmas, and
welcome to our home.

- Oh, hello! [CHUCKLES]
- Hey!

Sorry. I know I'm early,
but I was in the neighborhood

and I really need to use the restroom.

Oh, no, no. Sam, come in. Come in.

Thank you.

Come through. It's a bit of
a mess, but... [CHUCKLES]

- Yeah.
- [SAM] Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah. To hold us off until
dinner we have mince pies,

cheese and crackers, pigs in blankets,
mulled wine. All the favorites.

[CHUCKLES]

So, uh, Sam, back home, what
does Christmas make you think of?

Colonization.

Of course.

Uh, but I'm more than happy
to celebrate the day with you.

Uh, back home in Lagos, we have
good friends who celebrate,

and they always eat jollof rice
and goat meat, so I made you some.

Oh.

But I used chicken.

Thank God.

Mr. Obisanya, it was so cool what
you done with that Dubai Air logo.

f*ck those guys.

Yes, f*ck 'em.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

- Whoo! [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES, SIGHS]

I'm really sorry, but
where's your restroom?

Right. Of course.
Yes. Back through here.

Uh, to your left there, Sam.

["I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]

Okay. All right. Now it's my turn.

Let's see what we got here.

Did you wrap these yourself?
'Cause this is very well done.

Uh-oh. Oh, boy.

Is this what I think
it is? Hold on here.

Oh! Wait a minute.

Is this a tiny dartboard
or did I become a giant?

- It's a mini dartboard. Do you like it?
- Oh.

That's very smart. No, I don't
like it. I love it! Thank you.

All right, your turn. Come
on. Open up the big one.

I wanna see what you think.

- A drone? Dad, you got me a drone!
- Wh...

I know. How irresponsible is that of me?

Considering all the issues
with privacy these days.

And you know what? Mrs. Claus
charged that puppy up last night.

- So, you should be good to go.
- Can I try it out now?

Heck yeah! Yeah, it's no fun
just keeping it in the box.

- Great!
- Oh, boy. Okay. Whoa, whoa.

- Be careful. Easy.
- Mom, here.

[MICHELLE CHUCKLING] Oh, you lost him.

Yeah, no. That's gonna happen.
Should have got him socks.

Sorry, Ted. He's just
so excited. [CHUCKLES]

- No, that's okay. I get it.
- [HENRY] Nice!

How are you?

Oh, I'm... I'm good. Yeah. You know,
just plugging away over here.

We got a big match tomorrow so
everybody's focused on that, and...

Oh, Henry, careful! No,
not in the house! [SIGHS]

Sorry, Ted.

Uh, it's okay. Uh, you go. Go have
fun, and send me photos, okay?

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas, Ted.

- [DRONE THUDS]
- [HENRY] Uh-oh.

Henry, careful! The
baseboards! Oh, geez. I...

[CALL DISCONNECTS]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

sh**t.

Phoebe, whatever it is, we just
wanna try and make it better.

What have you got to be sad about?

Did one of the Paw Patrol dogs die?

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Listen, Phoebe, problems,
they're like mushrooms, yeah?

The longer you leave them in
the dark, the bigger they get.

A boy at school was mean to me.

What did he do?

"Merry Christmas, Phoebe. I got you
something you desperately need.

Your Secret Santa, Bernard".

Who the f*ck is Bernard?

Why did Bernard get you toothpaste

and mouthwash for Christmas, babe?

Because he told everyone
my breath is rancid.

Right, where does Bernard live?

Roy, we are not going to
go b*at up a little kid.

Why not?

Why do you think? f*cking knobhead.

Phoebe, listen.

Some kids are just mean
little dickheads, yeah?

I bet your breath doesn't
smell that bad. Come on.

Phoebe, it's me.

Let me have a smell. Come on.

[BLOWS]

[STAMMERS]

[GAGGING] Oh, wow.

Oi! She feels bad enough!

I'm so sorry. I really tried. [GAGS]

It cannot be that bad.

- Go away!
- Phoebe.

I'm a monster.

I've spent the last years
in locker rooms with men.

I promise you, I've smelled worse.

I don't know.

- [KEELEY STAMMERS]
- Come on.

I think you might be dying.

Sweetheart, listen. That is not like
"I forgot to brush my teeth" bad.

- [GAGGING]
- Or like, "I ate onions" bad.

That's actually medically bad.
Which means it's not your fault.

- Come here.
- [ROY] Right. I'm gonna sort this.

Put your coats on.

Where are we going?

We're going to my stupid
posh neighborhood,

and we're gonna start knocking on doors.

And if we don't find a dentist in
houses, you each get £ , .

[GASPS]

- Let's go get our coats.
- Yeah!

Quick, quick, quick, quick!

Run, run, run, run, run!

[SAM CHUCKLES]

Did Santa get you something
good this morning?

It's okay. I know there's no Santa.

But of course there's a Santa.

There's no way he can deliver presents

to everyone in the world in one night!

Ah, but it's not the
whole world in one night.

It's the whole world split up
into different time zones.

You see, Santa's true power is
not his speed but his endurance.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Wow.

He got me a bicycle.

Brilliant. [CHUCKLES]

- [PLAYERS] Hey!
- Merry Christmas!

- Feliz Navidad!
- Merry Christmas.

Look at that! Hello!
Thank you for coming.

Oh, of course. My mother was very happy

I wouldn't be alone on Christmas

and insisted I bring a
traditional Mexican ponche!

- Ooh!
- If you want to be a little bit cheeky,

you can put some tequila in it.

Dani, it already smells
like it has tequila in it.

Yes, this one is pre-cheeked.

Hey! What a turnout! Welcome! Welcome!

- Cool!
- Hello.

A Montlaur family tradition.

Uh, we have foie gras, champagne,
and a fancy stinky cheese.

- Ooh! [SPEAKS FRENCH]
- Whoa! [CHUCKLES]

- And this time you try it.
- Okay.

- Hey!
- I brought fried chicken.

Ah, is that a Christmas
tradition in Holland?

No.

Oh.

- Yo! [LAUGHS]
- Hey!

I just walked into
your neighbor's house!

- Oh, my God. What's up?
- [LAUGHS]

[THIERRY] Yes! Let's get drunk.

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS ON TELEVISION]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[THUD ON WINDOW]

[MAN ON TV] Help!

Help! Help! [SCREAMS]

Hey, boss!

How's FaceTime Christmas
with Henry going?

Well, I lost him to an
overpriced guilt gift.

Hubris, thy name is Ted.

Grab a coat. You're coming with me.

Yes, ma'am.

And wear the hat. It's a nice touch.

Okay.

["LAST CHRISTMAS" PLAYING IN DISTANCE]

- [SIGHS]
- Where are we going?

You know what? Don't tell me.
Don't tell me. That's all right.

Actually, hold on.

We're not going to Elton
John's holiday party, are we?

'Cause if so, I'm gonna be
severely underdressed.

I could run right back upstairs

and pop on this Donald Duck suit
I bring with me everywhere.

- [LAUGHS] You look perfect, don't worry.
- All right. I appreciate it.

Oh.

♪ Last Christmas I gave you my heart ♪

♪ But the very next day
you gave it away ♪

[BUSKERS, TOGETHER] ♪ This year... ♪

I love the buskers y'all got over here.

Always reminds me of that movie,
Once. You ever see that?

- Ah, great film.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I loved Once
so much, I saw it twice.

♪ I gave you my heart ♪

♪ But the very next day ♪

♪ You gave it away ♪

♪ This year, to save me from tears ♪

♪ I'll give it to someone special ♪

Oh, sh*t.

[MAN BEATBOXING]

I guess that's what I get for taking
a tinkle next to John Holmes.

- Yeesh.
- [LAUGHS] Come on.

- Merry Christmas. Thank you.
- Merry Christmas, y'all.

[BEATBOXING CONTINUES]

- [CAR UNLOCKS]
- You drove yourself, huh?

- That's a Christmas miracle.
- Oi, w*nk*r.

Merry Christmas.

Right back at ya, sir.

Did he just call you a w*nk*r?

Yeah, it's an inside joke.

Mostly inside of him.

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Whoa, Roy Kent!

You gonna sing?

No, we're not carolers. Is
your mum or dad a dentist?

No, they're lawyers.

Figures. Come on.

Thank you.

Uncle Roy, this is embarrassing.

This isn't embarrassing.

Embarrassing is me eating so much
ice cream at a birthday party,

knowing I'm no good with dairy,
that I poop my pants on the bus.

- Finish your story.
- Three weeks ago.

[CHUCKLES]

Sweetheart, none of this is your fault.

And the sooner we figure
it out, the better, yeah?

You pooped your pants? Roy Kent?

Yeah, so?

I do too, sometimes.

Well... let's both try and
knock that off, shall we?

If you can do it, I can do it.

- Cool?
- Cool.

Merry Christmas!

- Bye!
- Come on.

Go, go, go, go, go! [GRUNTING]

- We're not gonna make it.
- [PANTING]

Tell my incredibly
beautiful wife I love her.

I'm not gonna do that, 'cause
you'll tell her yourself.

Then you're gonna hook me up with
her identical, beautiful twin sister.

Good luck, mi amigo.

Bonne chance, mon ami.

[TOY g*n COCKS]

Eat Nerf!

- [SCREAMING]
- [BOTH GRUNTING]

- [ANNOUNCER SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
- ["SANTA BABY" PLAYING]

- Richard.
- Hmm?

Why did you bring a date
to the team Christmas party?

The French believe that having
a beautiful woman around

is always a good thing.

That was not true with
the Helter Skelter murders.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[ALL] Hey!

- Cheers, darling.
- Cheers.

- [PLAYER] Hey!
- You've become quite popular, Leslie.

This is by far the most
people we've ever had.

- [ALL] Merry Christmas!
- Hey!

- Welcome, guys!
- Merry Christmas!

Well, at least we've got
plenty of food and drink.

- Yeah.
- [PLAYERS CHEER]

But, um, where are we all
gonna sit down and eat it?

["IT'S BEGINNING TO LOOK A
LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS" PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

- [MUSIC ENDS]
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

Mom! There are two white people
at the door and they're smiling!

- Can I help you?
- Good afternoon.

We work for Santa Claus, and
I believe he received this.

My letter.

Yes, we're terribly sorry that your
presents didn't arrive last night.

But as elves we've been personally
directed by Mr. and Mrs. Claus

to deliver your presents this afternoon

and to apologize for the delay.

Am I forgetting anything?

Well, you see what happened was
Rudolph's nose shined so brightly

that it rendered me
unable to see, and I was...

I was, uh, delirious
for several minutes.

And I ended up putting this whole
sack of goodies on the wrong sled.

[CHUCKLES] I mean, you
know, ain't that nuts?

Uh, anyway, this bad boy's
been around the world

at least twice over
the past day so, uh...

Yeah, you smell that? That's
the Himalayas right there.

- That's all for you.
- [MOTHER GASPS]

Am I getting notes of Beijing?

Oh, I bet you are, yeah.

[CHUCKLES] Thank you.

- [CHUCKLES]
- You're so welcome.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

[DOOR CLOSES]

- On to the next?
- Heck yeah. [CHUCKLES]

["CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYING]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

- Hey, guys! Amazing! Amazing!
- Hey!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

House number ten, Uncle Roy.

Oi, Phoebs. We can't lose.

Either we find out why your breath
is so rancid, or we get £ , !

Each! That's like a month
worth of swear words.

Hold on, I've gotta fix my knee.

- [BONES cr*ck]
- [GROANS]

Whoa! Are you Roy Kent?

Yeah. Are you a dentist?

Yeah.

Can we come in?

Thank you so much. This
will only take a second.

Your house is lovely!

["DECK THE HALLS" PLAYING]

Well, congratulations, Phoebe.

That is some spectacularly bad breath.

Thank you.

Have you been under any
unusual stress lately?

Not if I do my breathing exercises.

Have you been smoking?

[CHUCKLES] No!

Any new medications?

Just my antihistamines.

They got a new cat. She's allergic.

Her name is Dauphine.

My mum said that we rescued her,

but I'd like to think
that she rescued us.

Ah, well, that's it then, Phoebe.

Antihistamines dry out the mouth,

and when saliva production is reduced,

then the environment for
odor-producing bacteria thrives.

And thrive it has.

Might be time to say au
revoir to Dauphine.

- No!
- Come on, Phoebe.

- You've only had her a month.
- But we're soul mates.

Phoebe, no one is gonna make
you get rid of Dauphine. Okay?

Because that would be an
insane thing for your uncle,

who loves you and who is
not a monster, to suggest.

And I'm sure Dr. Rogers
has another solution

because she's nice and smart,

and science is real, and it's Christmas!

- Right?
- Yeah.

Thank you!

Yo! Can I get an ussie?

Fine. [SIGHS]

Not with you, mate. With Keeley.

I mean, you're a legend at
Chelsea but sh*t at Richmond.

But Keeley Jones was a seminal
figure throughout my teenage years.

How about this, why don't we
all take a picture together?

By the tree.

Wicked!

Mmm.

[CHATTERING]

Un, deux, trois. [GROANS]

Oh! Oh, you brought jollof.

- With goat meat? Ah, yes!
- Original.

You want to try some goat?

Okay. Are you sure?

Oh, no!

[CHATTERING CONTINUES]

- Oh, no!
- Mmm!

- Yes!
- No!

I never win.

Cheers.

- Merry Christmas.
- Thank you.

You're welcome.

See, doesn't it feel better to solve

the problem than
go b*at up a little kid?

Mmm.

Oi, you got any poster
board and markers?

For another hundred quid.

Cheers.

[TED] That was pretty dang neat.
Thanks for letting me tag along.

Oh, my pleasure.

How long have you been doing this?

[SIGHS] For years, but then Rupert...

You know, I should
have done it last year,

but I just sat by myself instead.

Drinking and plotting horrible things.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Look, I know all too well
how stunningly shitty

the first Christmas after
you get divorced can be.

I just wanted to make sure you're okay.

Yeah, well, I am now, you know.

A lot better than I would have been
if I just drank whiskey all day

and watched It's a
Wonderful Life on repeat.

- That could have gone dark.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]

So, uh, what now?

Oh, I figured you could
just drop me off at home

and then go get all decked
out for Sir Elton's party.

Ah, I might not go.

Really?

You're willing to miss a puppet show

by Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz?

'Cause that sounds like a lot of fun.

Don't get me wrong, they are incredible.

But all I really want to see
those two do together is f*ck.

Yeah, no. I get that. Yeah.
You got any other ideas then?

- You'll see.
- Huh? Oh, you want me to drive?

The steering wheel's on this side.

Right, I'm the one with the accent here.

- I forgot. Sorry.
- Mmm.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[MAN] Who is it?

["SILENT NIGHT" PLAYS ON PHONE]

It's carol singers.

[MAN] Just give 'em a quid
and tell 'em to bugger off.

[MUSIC CONTINUES ON PHONE]

[GROWLS]

[WHISPERS] I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Phoebe.

["FAIRY TALE OF NEW YORK" PLAYING]

[GUESTS CHATTERING, LAUGHING]

I just wanna thank you all for coming.

To the family Higgins!

[ALL CHEERING]

- You're gonna make me cry.
- [PLAYERS LAUGH]

- Um, to my lovely wife, Julie, my sons...
- [CHUCKLES]

To you and all your families
back in Lagos, Guadalajara,

Groningen, Cordon, Montreal,

Benin City, Harare, Kingston...

Ya, man.

... and Santa Cruz de la Sierra.

- [ALL CHEERING]
- [MAN] Hear! Hear!

I know you would have preferred
to have been with them,

but it was truly an honor
to have you with us

to share our traditions and
help make a few new ones.

To the family we're born with

and to the family we
make along the way.

And most importantly to Richmond!

[ALL] To Richmond!

[FEEDBACK OVER SPEAKER OUTSIDE]

- [HIGGINS] What's happening outside?
- [SAM] I don't know.

- [PLAYER] What's that?
- [FEEDBACK]

- [MAN] Ho ho ho, Higginses!
- [ACOUSTIC MUSIC STARTS]

- ♪ Oh, oh ♪
- [BACKUP SINGERS] ♪ Christmas ♪

- ♪ The snow's coming down ♪
- ♪ Christmas ♪

- ♪ I'm watching it fall ♪
- ♪ Christmas ♪

- ♪ Lots of people around ♪
- ♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Baby, please come home ♪

- ♪ They're singing "Deck The Halls" ♪
- [ALL CHEERING]

♪ But it ain't like Christmas at all ♪

♪ 'Cause I remember when you were here ♪

- ♪ And all the fun that we had last year ♪
- ♪ Christmas ♪

- ♪ Pretty lights on the tree ♪
- ♪ Christmas ♪

- ♪ I'm watching them shine ♪
- ♪ Christmas ♪

- ♪ Oh, you should be here with me ♪
- ♪ Christmas ♪

- ♪ Baby, please come home ♪
- ♪ Christmas ♪

[REBECCA] Whoo!

[MAN] Ho ho ho ho!

- [REBECCA] ♪ Baby, please come home ♪
- ♪ Christmas ♪

- ♪ Oh, whoo ♪
- ♪ Christmas ♪

[ALL CHEERING]

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Baby, please come home ♪

- ♪ Baby, please, please ♪
- ♪ Christmas ♪

- ♪ The church bells in town ♪
- ♪ Christmas ♪

♪ All ringing in song ♪

[MUSIC CONTINUES, FADES]