01x03 - Temporal Edict

[bunniefuu]

[FIDDLE PLAYING LIVELY,
TRADITIONAL SCOTTISH TUNE]

[PANTING]

♪ ♪

[BOIMLER GRUNTING, PANTING]

[TUNE ENDS]

[EXHAUSTED PANTING]

[MAN COUGHING]

That was titled "Essence".
I wrote it about my mom.

This next piece is also about my mom.

- Uh, excuse me...
- Wrap it up, nerd.

- I'm still...
- All right,

I don't know what this is called,

and I don't care.

Two, three, four!

[HARD ROCK BOOMING]

That's kind of loud!

[DISTANT MUSIC BOOMING, RUMBLING]

[DISTANT MUSIC BOOMING, RUMBLING]

What is the meaning
of this intense bass?

Are you mocking me?!

- [DISTANT MUSIC BOOMING]
- I don't hear it on our side.

It must be your equipment.

Engineer K'noch, today you die!

Will someone shut that up?!

♪ ♪

[PLAYS FINAL CHORD]

- [ELECTRONIC FEEDBACK]
- [EXHALES] You're welcome.

[MARINER HEAVES SIGH]

Okay, whatever that was. [CLEARS THROAT]

Ladies and gentlemen,
"Requiem for a Hug".

♪ ♪

Captain says you're too loud!

Oh, God, oh, no, no, I'm so sorry.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

RANSOM: First officer's
log, stardate . .

The Cerritos is en route
to Cardassia Prime

for the most amazing reason.

Captain Freeman is going to be
instrumental in brokering peace

- between the... Uh, wait.
- [COMM RINGING]

Just... reading a little message here.

Yada yada yada. Oh.

Oh, no.

The captain is not gonna
be happy about this.

What the hell are you talking about!

I'm sorry, Captain Freeman,

but we're moving the peace
negotiations to Vulcan.

Nobody wants to go to Cardassia Prime.

The Cardassians are
creeping everyone out.

But I already prepared a speech,
I learned how to do the dance...

I'm sure you'll be involved

in the next historic,
once-in-a-lifetime summit.

For now, you'll be heading to Gelrak V

and, uh, endowing them
with diplomatic trinkets.

We're delivering gifts?

Godspeed, Captain.

[FREEMAN GROANS LOUDLY]

I spent weeks learning how to
bark out Cardassian small talk.

Seems like they just changed locations.

I don't think it was a
slight on the Cerritos.

Yeah, right.

Nobody respects us, because
we don't demand their respect.

This ship is a joke.

Well, then we're the funniest
joke in all of Starfleet.

Shut up, Jack! I'm sick of it.

We have to do something to prove

that this crew isn't
a bunch of slackers.

[RUTHERFORD GRUNTS]

Okay, try it now.

- [SCREAMS]
- Field strength is at...

- Ooh!
- %.

You almost phasered me!

Calm down. It's set to...

Uh, it was... it was set to stun.

Hey, Boimler, how's the field
integrity looking in there?

Uh... oh!

[GASPS] It's good.

Okay. Computer,
margaritas. Frozen. Salt.

TENDI: Wait, don't we have to report

that we're done so we
can get a new task?

Don't sweat it, baby girl... like
many things, commanders have

no idea how long it takes to
balance a phase variance.

You never admit the actual
amount of time it takes

to finish a job... if you did,
your days would be packed.

- Isn't that lying?
- No. It's creative estimating.

When you get an assignment,

you exaggerate how long it's gonna take,

then you're a hero when it's done early.

Eh, it's just a little
buffer time. No biggie.

And you're okay with this?

No! If it were up to me,
we'd never take a break.

But it's Lower Decks tradition.

Tendi, how long will it
take to repair a biobed?

Oh, uh, that would take about five...

hours.

Excuse me?

That's great!

Aw, Tendi, look at us.

Lower Decks... breaching
protocol together.

Friendship!

Oh, be sure to stroll through
the ship as slowly as possible.

It's not like we're busy exploring

the mysteries of the cosmos!

[GASPING, YELLING]

[LAUGHTER, INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Does no one do any work around here?!

- Geez, there goes buffer time.
- What was that, Ensign?

Uh, nothing, Captain.

[EXASPERATED GROAN]

[HUMMING A TUNE]

- Uh... [CLEARS THROAT]
- Bridge.

Cap'n. I mean, Captain.

Anything to report, Ensign?

Uh, keeping busy. I
inventoried Cargo Bay Four,

assisted with the baryon sweep

of the warp nacelles,
skipped buffer time

- and went straight to work on...
- Turbolift halt!

What is "buffer time"?

Uh...

What's up with you?
You're looking more, like,

weaselly than usual.

Well, th-that's just how my face looks.

- You-you know that.
- [ELECTRONIC BEEPING]

WOMAN: Oh.

"Effective immediately, the
Lower Deck scheduling deceit

will no longer be tolerated"?

What scheduling deceit?

Wait. Let me see. "All assignments

"must be completed and logged
in exactly the time mandated

- by command"?
- Are we being timed?

"Failure to meet quotas
will not be tolerated".

Ah, this is bad, this is bad.

I-I thought it was tradition. I
thought you said nobody cared.

They didn't. There was no
way the captain noticed

we were padding stuff out.

Somebody ratted.

[GASPS] I bet it was Delta shift.

Yeah. Delta shift is the worst.

They think they're so
much better than us,

just because they're so
much better than us.

It doesn't matter who ratted.
We don't need buffer time.

We're Starfleet. We're
the best of the best,

and we can still get
everything done early.

Boimler's right. We don't
need a buffer time.

- We've got this!
- Yeah, no, yeah, you're probably right.

What's one less margarita a day?

♪ ♪

[PANICKED YELLING]

[YELLING, GASPING]

Excuse me!

[LOUD BEEP]

Watch it.

BILLUPS: Rutherford,
I need that diagnostic

on the guidance system, now!

But now is right now!

[GROANS] Move!

- Move, move, move, move!
- Aah!

Come on, watch where you're going.

Now I only have ten minutes
to do a -minute calibration.

Stop yelling!

Uh, sorry, wish I could help.

I'm late for Ransom's
stupid away mission.

T'ANA [OVER COMM]: Ensign
Tendi! You were supposed to be

in sickbay minutes ago!

- I'm coming!
- Personal Log:

I've completed all of today's
assignments ahead of schedule,

and have requested more.

- [WOMAN SCREAMS]
- Space: The funnest frontier?

[BEEPS]

Ooh. Somebody's got to
purge the calibration matrix.

I call dibs!

BOIMLER: ♪ Ooh, I love purgin' ♪

♪ I purge you, I purge you ♪

- ♪ I purge you, I purge you ♪
- [GROANS]

♪ I purge, purge, purge,
purge, purge, purge, purge ♪

♪ And a puh and an urge
and a puh and an urge ♪

♪ Ooh, I love purgin'! ♪

All right, let's see a
little hustle there, guys.

An away mission is only
routine until it isn't.

Horned gorillas, sentient tar,

spores that make you hook up
with your best friend's sister...

all disasters I've
personally experienced

on missions that should
have been a walk in the park.

Mariner, you're late.

Uh, no, I've been here
the whole time, you know,

loading stuff, hearing about
gorillas, uh, spores, et cetera,

that weird story you told us
about your best friend's sister.

Get it together, Mariner.

The captain has us
on a strict timetable.

Well, then maybe you could help

instead of whatever
you're doing right now.

I am helping. I'm commanding.

You're lucky your phaser
accuracy is so high,

or I'd never let you beam off this ship.

We wouldn't even be going
on a mission if the admiral

hadn't downgraded the
captain to delivering gifts.

- Come on, let's bail.
- No. And roll down those sleeves.

This isn't a barn.

RANSOM: The Gelrakians base
their entire social structure

around crystals.

When we land, we must display
the honor crystal they gave

to the first contact team to
show that we come in peace.

I should've tried that with my ex.

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

- [LAUGHS]
- [GROANS]

I'm picking up an increase
in atmospheric hydromounds.

Yeah, they're called clouds, man.

Just to be safe, I'll
disengage autopilot

and land her manually.

That's literally what
the autopilot's for.

It's an a*t*matic pilot.

- Perfect landing, sir.
- [GRUNTS]

Not even my best work, to be honest.

- We could've just beamed down.
- I didn't catch that, Mariner.

Uh, yeah I just said we should
get going, clock is ticking.

Uh, productivity and et cetera.

We'll go when I give the order.

- Let's roll.
- [SIGHS]

Greetings. It is an honor to...

[CLEARS THROAT] Ensign
Vendome, the honor crystal.

- [GASPS]
- [BOTH SHOUT]

- This isn't crystals.
- He's got wood. He's got wood!

Uh-oh, that doesn't sound peaceful.

- Uh, uh...
- Where's the crystal, Vendome?

Sir, I loaded the wrong case.

This is a fertility totem
meant for Mavok Prime.

I-I was rushing to finish my tasks.

You dare insult us

with this perverted wooden sex
charm of our sworn enemies?

This is an act of w*r.

Starfleet scum!

- Vendome!
- [MARINER GRUNTS]

[HORN BLOWS]

There's too many of them. Fall back!

Come on.

- Oh, God, I'm gonna die!
- We live on a spaceship.

- [SHOUTS]
- Nobody is dying from a spear wound.

Crystals!

- Oh. Hate when this happens.
- Oh!

Let's just stun them
and get out of here!

Negative, we just signed
them into the Federation.

What this calls for is some classic

Jack Ransom peace brokering.

Are you out of your mind?

Watch and learn.

This is gonna be awesome.

Attention, Gelrakians,
I am Commander Jack...

Ooh! [SCREAMS]

All right, that was awesome.

- [ALL GRUNTING]
- Ah, circled by spears.

This is a classic. What am I, Kirk?

Is this the s? All right.

Whoa, oh, hey, hey!

Uh, we got acid here.

Excuse me!

[GROWLING] Rutherford.

Aah, Tendi, what the hell?

Can't talk, got to work.

I'm compiling.

What? [GROANS]

The impulse manifold needs
to be degaussed again.

I have to assist with a surgery,

and I honestly can't remember
which deck sickbay is on!

- Uh, ?
- Is that...?

Do we have that many?

COMPUTER: Enter security code.

- I'm waiting, Ensign.
- Sorry, Captain.

Something's wrong with the console.

Move! I'll do it myself.

Lieutenant Shaxs, any
word from the away team?

Captain, the sensors have
picked up Gelrakian ships

approaching off the starboard bow.

What? [GROANS]

On screen.

What is...? Are we
supposed to be hosting

a welcome dinner or something?

Captain, they're locking phasers.

[CHUCKLING] Really?

Raise shields.

[COMPUTER BEEPING]

- Shaxs?
- I'm trying, Captain.

Something's wrong with the controls.

Ah, stupid controls.

Do I have to run this whole ship myself?

[GRUNTS]

SHAXS: They've launched boarding pods!

Red alert!

Repel all intruders, but do
not use it as an excuse

to stop doing what you are doing.

I want to stay on track and on time.

It's called multi-tasking, people.

They do it on the
Enterprise all the time.

I don't want to hear any
complaining, I only want to hear

repelling of intruders and
people getting their work done!

[GRUNTING]

Swords and spears... how
did these guys get on board?

MARINER: Hey, guy.

Hey, guy?

Hey, guy, is this what you
wanted to do with your life?

Just capture people... is that what
you dreamt of when you were

a little whatever-you-are?
Are you fulfilled by that?

- Yes.
- Wow, all right, uh...

well, do you know what,
that means you're lame.

- You're a loser.
- Hey, keep it down!

I'm writing a speech that will
convince them to let us go.

A speech, seriously?
Permission to speak freely.

You always speak freely.

Nobody can stop you
from speaking freely.

All right, you know what
you've got going on?

You have broad shoulders and shiny hair

and you talk a good game,
but when it comes to actually

doing the job... the
job... you don't have it.

I'm calling bull[BLEEP] on
your whole thing here, sir.

You're so busy breaking protocol
that you never look ahead.

One of these days you're going
to get someone k*lled, Ensign.

With all due respect, sir,

my friends aren't trapped
in an alien prison,

your team is.

That's not my team, it's our team.

But I guess you don't think that way.

Here we go, show time. [CLEARS THROAT]

We may come from different worlds,

- but on the inside we are all...
- GERNBA: Silence, Starfleet!

You are being held responsible
for the lies of the Federation.

Your trial will be by combat.

Yes, now we're talking!

And by "talking", of
course, I mean "fighting".

One of you must face
our greatest champion, Vindor.

Usually we start the battle and
Vindor steps out of the shadows

and it's super intimidating,
but he's here,

so I'm just gonna show
him to you right now.

Vindor.

If you win, we let you go.

If you lose, you'll be dead
and your away team

will be crushed by the
adjudication geode.

Crystals!

Okay, I'm looking at a
lot of blank faces here.

An adjudication geode is a special type

of constitutional crystal we use
to legally smoosh our criminals.

Here is your battle blade.

You have one hour to choose

who gets the honor of
being slaughtered by Vindor.

If you can't decide, we will...

- I'll do it!
- I'll do it! Give it to me!

- Yo, I touched it first.
- Give it, come...

- Tell him! No, me!
- No, mine!

You do realize you're
fighting over who gets

to be chopped in half by Vindor, right?

- Me, dibs!
- No, I said me,

- I touched it first.
- Come on. Give it to me.

- Jack Ransom... it's mine!
- No! No!

[FEMALE SCREAMS IN DISTANCE]

[HUMMING]

Aah!

Translation... "Bark
hugging root smoochers"?

What the heck got these
guys so wound up?

Gah, this is totally gonna
mess up my schedule.

[GRUNTS]

- Don't move, human!
- [GASPS]

We have you surrounded.

Yeah, but I-I have a phaser.

[GASPS, GRUNTS]

These guys are lightweights.

This is what the red alert's about?

Captain, I just phasered
some Gelrakians?

- Um, hello?
- Intruder! [MUTTERING]

[GRUNTS]

Oh, it's just that huffy ensign.

- Sorry, Boimler.
- I'm not huffy.

Why aren't you at your post?

We wouldn't even be in this situation

if you weren't slacking off.

I'm not!

Damn it! We're minutes behind.

Our entire schedule is going
to be off for the month.

Wait a minute... clocks,

time, schedules.

You guys are under the
strict scheduling, too?

I have to be... I'm manning
every station on my own.

What? No, no, no, no, no.

This is all wrong... you're the captain!

I need us working harder
and faster and stricter!

[HEAVY POUNDING]

GELRAKIAN: Where are
you hiding your crystals?!

We don't have any crystals!

I mean we do have dilithium,
but we're not giving you those.

- [GRUNTING]
- [EXCLAIMS]

Trial by combat is my responsibility.

I'm ranking officer, I'll be
fighting Vindor, end of story!

Rank means nothing right now.

[GASPS] Rank means everything always!

You know what, I do get
off on breaking protocol.

I'm good at exploring
strange new worlds,

solving space mysteries
and kicking asses.

Protocol is for people that
need to be told what to do,

which I don't. See this bad boy?

Tentacle guy, bunch of arms.

Stabbed me with a barnacle blade.

Check it out... Magus III,
Nanibia Prime, Scottsdale.

That was a mess.

I earned every one
in high-concept fights

just like this one.

So? What do you got?

- Let me see your scars.
- You know I don't have any.

Because you play it safe.

You said it... that's our
team under that geode.

Let me do what I'm good
at, let me save them.

Sometimes you have to do
what's wrong to survive.

You're right.

- [BLADE SLASHES]
- [MARINER SCREAMS]

What the [BLEEP]?! Ah, God, oh!

You stabbed me in the
foot with a battle blade!

I'd rather die than let you
put your life on the line.

Oh, you are such a psycho!

What are you doing?

Ow! Why?

I'm the first officer of
a Federation starship,

and your commander.

And nobody crushes my team.

Let's do this!

CROWD [CHANTING]: Vindor! Vindor!

Vindor! Vindor!

Vindor!

[CHEERING, SHOUTING]

- Vindor?
- Come on, big guy.

I only need my hands for this one.

- [ROARS]
- [GRUNTING]

[CHUCKLES]

[SCOFFS]

[MARTIAL ARTS GRUNTING]

Ha-ha-ha! Yah!

[GRUNTS]

- Ha-ha!
- [CROWD SHOUTING]

- Double-fist punch!
- Oh!

[CRACKS NECK, GRUNTS]

Whoa, that was actually kind of hot.

Ugh! Get it together,
Mariner, get it together.

You are not into this. Come on.

[VINDOR AND RANSOM GRUNT]

[GELRAKIAN CHUCKLES]

Let's see how much those
Federation wood lovers

like our crystal graffiti. Ha-ha-ha!

[FIERCE YELLING]

I-I need to get back to comms.

- Captain, listen to me...
- Don't touch me!

This is all my fault, thinking
I belong at a peace summit

when I can't even keep
my own ship together.

What? Captain, no.
You did nothing wrong.

Your schedules, your rules...

this has been the
greatest week of my life.

You run the tightest ship in Starfleet.

Captain, we need to act now!

"Tightest ship". Then
why is it falling apart?

Because not everyone is a Boimler.

This crew has their limits.
They're only human.

Well, and Vulcan. And Orion.

There's that Benzite guy in Tactical...

Damn it, man! If you're
trying to inspire

some sort of resolution,
then inspire it now!

Ugh, it kills me to say this,
but for the good of the ship

we have to... loosen up.

Loosen up? But then we're
right back to buffer time.

Yes, when people could
do whatever they had to

to get the job done.

You're a great captain.
Let them be a great crew.

You're... you're right!

I am a great captain!

Attention all decks: as of now,

I am authorizing all
crew to break any rule,

abandon any protocol, and
cut any corner to defend

the Cerritos.

You are Starfleet...

Do what you have to do
to take back this ship.

Buffer time!

[FIERCE YELLING]

[YELLS]

♪ ♪

[ROARS]

- [CHEERING]
- RANSOM: I demand

a peaceful negotiation. Yah!

- [CROWD GROANS]
- I respect your sovereignty.

Mm, so ethical.

[RAPID GRUNTING]

[CROWD SHOUTING]

[BOOING]

Interlocked hands!

Stop! Stop! I submit!

I thought you only said "Vindor".

It's so the other guys
think I'm strong and dumb.

But I'm not. I love to read!

Well, all right, you're
free, you're all free.

Everybody's free.

- [CHEERING]
- Whoo-whoo! Starfleet!

Oh, I see how it is... you're
gonna s*ab me, but then

you don't s*ab Vindor? What
are your priorities, Ransom?

I ju... Whoa!

We got to stop doing trial by combat,

or we'll never get to use the geode.

How about a regular trial, with a judge?

And instead of the geode...

- Oh! We could do a death race!
- [SNAPS FINGERS]

Start building a crystal car!

[GROANS]

[GASPS] Crystals.

[FIERCE YELLING]

[BOTH GRUNT]

Ha-ha!

[ALARM BLARING]

- [YELLS]
- [THUDDING]

- [GRUNTS]
- Ooh!

[HISSES]

Oh!

♪ ♪

[CHEERING]

[CHEERING, WHOOPING]

Hey, sorry about the whole
"invading your ship" thing.

You know? Very un-crystal-like of us.

Don't worry about it. I'd
rather be here with you

than with those freaks on Mavok Prime.

Wood-worshiping freaks, right?

- Come on.
- [CHUCKLES]

T'ANA [SIGHS]: You'll be fine.

Want me to clean up
those disgusting scars?

Uh, no way. No. These are my trophies.

Congratulations, you look like
a [BLEEP] scratching post.

- Mariner.
- Commander.

I would appreciate it if
you give me a heads-up

before you file your report. It
would give me some extra time

to pack up my free weights...
there's a ton of 'em.

- What report?
- For stabbing you with a battle blade.

That's a guaranteed court-martial.

I am not filing a report, actually.

But... I thought you hated me.

You talk about yourself
a little too much,

but stabbing me, breaking protocol...

that was actually pretty cool.

Sometimes I forget what
Starfleet's all about,

and today you reminded me.

Plus, this is gonna make a good scar.

A great scar.

- Take her away, boys!
- W-Wait, what? Why?

Because you ignored
me when I ordered you

to roll down your sleeves.
They're against code.

The sleeve thing?
You're an idiot. [GRUNTS]

You just earned an
extra day in the brig!

Joke's on you, man... I love the brig!

I'm going to my favorite place!

Next time, I'm gonna let
somebody k*ll you. [GRUNTS]

I'm gonna dance in your blood!

Okay. That was kind of hot.

[DOOR CHIMES]

- Come.
- [DOOR WHOOSHES]

- You wanted to see me, Captain?
- It took the eyes of a child

to see what we were
blind to today, Boimler.

If it wasn't for you, we
would still be following

every little rule in the book.

Wait, is that bad? 'Cause I love rules.

We're instituting a
new ship-wide mandate,

and we're calling it
the "Boimler Effect".

Really? I-I'm honored.

You should be. The
Boimler Effect is about

encouraging shortcuts
and preventing people

from just blindly following the rules.

From now on, the crew
can build in buffer time

whenever they deem fit.

Congratulations. Dismissed.

Oh. Well, hey, how about
we add a little thing

about how important it is
to blindly follow rules?

If my name is going to
be associated with...

No, the Boimler Effect is
literally the opposite of that.

But I don't know, I don't know
how I feel about that, and...

I-Is it in ink? Is it already
in the system? Is it...

BOIMLER: Wow, it's on a plaque.

Get back to your station and
do whatever you deem right.

[GROANS]

BOIMLER: I get a whole
rule named after me,

and it's all about not following rules.

Don't worry about it, man.

They're always making up new
rules no one ever remembers.

I'm sure this one will fade, too.

Yeah, this isn't something
to worry about.

No one will remember.

PROFESSOR: Which is why

the Boimler Effect is something
we will never forget.

So named after the laziest,

most corner-cutting officer
in Starfleet history,

Brad Boimler,

seen here with one of the
great birds of the galaxy.

Anyway, let's move on to
somebody even more important,

perhaps the most important
person in Starfleet history,

Chief Miles O'Brien.

[MAN IMITATES WEAPONS f*ring]:
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

Chirp.