01x07 - Much Ado About Boimler

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

- [GROANS]
- [SIGHS]

Who knew repairing the station grid

would involve so much sprinting?

No talk. Sleep.

[BARKING]

- What the? Hey, no, no. Down.
- TENDI: I did it!

- I updated the dog!
- Down.

- What does that even mean? Hey! Mm-mm.
- In Medical,

- they encourage us to do side projects.
- [BOIMLER GROANS]

- No! Why?! [SHUSHING]
- So I took a bunch of inert carbon

and built myself a fluffy
friend from scratch.

- Shut up! No! Aah!
- It's supposed to look like a dog.

- You know, from Earth.
- [GROANS] Tendi,

- please get it out of here.
- Oh, of course.

Come here! Come here.

- [BARKING]
- Ah. [CHUCKLES]

She's five percent faster

and six percent smarter.
You know, I hand-edited

all six billion sequences.

- [GROWLING]
- It was really fun!

- When did you even find time for that?
- [BARKING]

Sometimes when I say that
I'm going to the bathroom,

I'm really recoding her DNA.

This little lady's protein
bonds totally accepted

the Cas snipping without
any cellular degradation.

Who has malleable protein bonds? You do.

Yes, you do.

- I don't get it.
- [BARKS]

You could've built any life-form
at all, and you did this?

It just looks like a normal dog.

That's exactly what I was going for!

I'll go grab my notes so I
can read you the juicy parts.

You're going to love how I
reorganized her mitochondria.

No spoilers, but... [CHUCKLES, SNORTS]

...it's super funny!

Just to be clear, this is a normal dog,

and she's messing with us.

[CRACKING]

- [GASPING]
- [SNARLING]

- [GASPING]
- [PANTING, BARKING]

- [SNARLS]
- Oh, God. Not a normal dog.

Wake me up if it turns into
something I need to care about.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

RANSOM: First officer's log.
An elite team from the Cerritos

has been selected by
Admiral Syltrack to liaise

with the Pisepian agricultural
colony in disputed territory.

Captain Freeman, Shaxs, and myself

have been enlisted to join the mission

due to our expertise in the
germination of rulot seeds.

In our absence, the
Cerritos will receive

a temporary transfer of
command to a visiting captain.

[GROANING LOUDLY]

Visiting captain? No! So lame.

I figured you'd love a
break from our usual guys.

Sub caps never know what they're doing.

They're all like,
"Buffer the phase coils".

And we're like, "What
are you talking about?"

What are you talking about?

I don't want some
babysitter Jellico-type

hovering over us

when we're already
going to a bog planet,

which is, like, the
worst kind of planets,

as far as planets go.

Bogs are actually
fascinating. Did you know

- that the spore count can...
- I don't want to know about a bog!

It's a gross word for a gross place!

Well, you're being very unscientific.

[PANTING]

[CLANKING]

Anyway, I'm into it.

We get to rub shoulders
with the visiting crew,

maybe impress another captain.

Oh, you're just excited to kiss
a whole new butt, aren't you?

Well, I wouldn't put it like that.

But yes, very.

[HISSING]

Hmm...

- [DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN]
- Rutherford!

The visiting crew's gonna
be here any minute.

Hey, if I part my hair
like this, do I look

more promotable or less?

More? Less? More? Less?

- Yeah, sure.
- You didn't even look!

[SIGHS] Sorry. It's
this transporter, man.

I'm trying to make it
go . seconds faster.

Mariner wouldn't help me test it.

She said she wanted to wait
until I ironed out the kinks.

But how am I supposed to
do that if nobody's gonna

- help me test it?
- Ooh! I'll do it.

I can tell the new captain
that, in my spare time,

- I enjoy improving efficiency.
- Okay, cool.

I'll just transport you back and forth

super quick. Real easy.

Okay. Beam me up. [CHUCKLES] I mean,

Boim me up. You know what I'm saying.

- Okeydokey!
- [METALLIC TRILLING]

That was, like, half a
second faster than normal!

I can't believe it's working.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Run me through it again!

Do it again! Do it again!

- [METALLIC TRILLING]
- [LAUGHS]

- [LAUGHS, GROANING]
- [TRILLING CONTINUES LOUDLY]

- Uh...
- Aw, man.

- I thought I solved this.
- What?!

Sorry, it's just the last part
of the transporter process!

It can be a bit sticky!

Sticky?! Am I gonna die?!

No, no! You're just off by,
like, one millicochrane!

- It's just cosmetic!
- What's that noise?!

[GASPS] Is that me?!

You hardly notice it!

You got to fix me before
the visiting crew gets here!

- I can't look like this!
- What?!

[SOFT BEEPING]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Oh, well, here we go. Babysitter time

in three, two, one...

♪ ♪

Amina?

[LAUGHS] Ha ha!

There she is!

Are you surprised?

Oh, my gosh. I thought
you were on the Oakland.

Eh, couldn't pass up a
water filtration repair.

[CHUCKLES] This is crazy!

Wait, and you're a freakin' captain now?

Get those title bumps, girl.

Yeah, I'm kind of a big deal.

I've even got a team.

Warren, Prachett, Durga,

this is my old friend I
was telling you about.

Captain Ramsey... speaks fondly
of your time at the Academy.

Oh, boy. What'd she tell you?

That when it comes to
boots-on-the-ground

planetary action, you're the best.

And you look damn good doing it.

Curious that you're still an ensign.

- [DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN]
- [LOUD TRILLING]

Ensign Boimler reporting for duty!

[TRILLING CONTINUES LOUDLY]

[BEEPING]

Dude! What is wrong with you?!

Nothing! I'm just phasing! No biggie!

Disagree! It's kind of a biggie!

Ensign, report to sickbay!

But that's for sick people!

- Now!
- Aw.

[TRILLING CONTINUES]

[SHOUTS] How long
is this going to last?!

How am I supposed to know?!

You look like a g*dd*mn science project!

Then... ow... why are
you still taking samples?!

[PANTING] I figured it out!

- [BEEPING, CLICKING]
- [TRILLING STOPS]

All right. Boimler's back, baby!

Time to kiss some visiting butt.

Wait, I'm still all phase-y.

Yeah. But you're not
making the sound anymore,

which was the worst part, right?

Oh, yeah. That was terrible.

- I'm literally hard to look at.
- [BEEPING]

[CRYING]: I mean, what if... what if...

[SNIFFLES] Nobody wants a sparkly cap'n!

Oh, all right, all right. Calm down.

- I already alerted Division .
- [GASPS]

The time travel police?

No! D- handles
unsolvable space illnesses

and science mysteries.

And they can make me a real boy again?

They've got this great
medical spa on Endicronimas V.

En... [SNIFFLES] Endicron...

Everyone just calls it "The Farm".

You'll be pampered and
tended to like a precious gem.

You and Mr. Whatever-The-Hell-
That-Thing-Is over there.

Don't worry, The Dog.
I won't let them hurt you.

Wait, you named it "The Dog"?

Of course. Why wouldn't I?

She's a totally normal dog.

Mm, I'm starting to think
you know more about DNA

- than you do about dogs.
- We don't have any on Orion.

We're really missing out.

- Dogs are great.
- [SNARLING]

[SCREECHING]

[BOTH GASP]

- [BARKS]
- Aw, look at you.

You're just a cute little cinnamon roll.

Yes, you are!

Visiting captain's log.

Stardate . .

The Cerritos is en route
to the planet Khwopa to...

[CHUCKLES] perform a repair of
their water filtration system.

Once completed, we will...
[CHUCKLES] rendezvous

- with the USS Rubidoux. End log.
- [KISSING]

[CHUCKLES] Will you stop it?

Sorry, I just love captains'
trinkets, you know?

Come on. Give me the dirt.

Have you seen Ransom's photon torpedo?

Barf! No! Disgusting.

- No, for real, that is big barf.
- [LAUGHS]

So, how long do we have you?

I mean, it's gonna take
a while to catch you up

on all the crazy stuff I've been up to.

Yeah. That's why I want you at my side.

Getting your perspective
on the Cerritos crew

would be invaluable.

I mean, come on, nobody
likes a babysitter captain.

Babysitter captain? What? I
don't even know what that is.

- What?
- So, what do you say?

Want to be my first officer?

Oh! Of course! You've
got the dream team.

It's about time this
bridge had a kickass crew.

I mean, the usual guys are
fine, but they're kind of... eh.

Oh, wait, are... Wait, are you kidding?

- No, you're kidding, right?
- [CHUCKLES]

- I'm not kidding!
- Then yes!

[CHUCKLES] All right. Let's do this...

Number One.

♪ ♪

[WHINES]

Greetings.

I am the Division medical specialist.

Aw, thank you. I'm Tendi,
and this is my dog, The Dog.

And let the record show
we're here under protest.

[BARKS]

I must warn you,

stepping aboard this vessel is consent

to be surrounded by dark abnormalities

and the clinically obscene.

Uh, how long will it
take to get to the spa?

I wasn't sure how many books to bring.

Do not trouble yourself
with the journey.

The Farm cures all.

[LAUGHING]

[WHINES]

So, we were surrounded
by four Borg, right?

And nobody ever talks
about this, but they smell

like old trash bags.

What? Four? How'd you get out?

It required unorthodox tactics.

Durga kicked their butts with
Vulcan jujitsu. [EXCLAIMS]

[LAUGHS] Yeah, well, this
one time, Ramsey and I

stole Professor Rubichik's
old, special car

and drove it into the bay.

[LAUGHS] It was hilarious.
He was so pissed.

I love Saul Rubichik. He was
my mentor at the Academy.

That car was his life.

- I spoke at his funeral.
- Uh, well, that was a long time ago.

I still do stuff like that all the time.

Last week, I put a
scorpion in Ransom's bed.

It was bad. He almost d*ed.

Do you often disrupt missions?

[CHUCKLES] No, I mean, I do
regular Starfleet stuff, too.

[CLEARS THROAT] Everyone ready?

Let's roll out.

♪ ♪

Reports indicate that first contact here

was a little tricky.
The bogs didn't help.

Let's see if we can get ahold
of the local authorities.

- Copy that. [GRUNTING]
- [BOG SQUELCHING]

Hey, are you on a different mission,

or are you coming with us?

Oh. Uh, sorry. Right.

I'll just, uh... [GRUNTING]

When we're done here,
you'll be back to enjoying

crystal clear water, King Phibeas.

We osmose our most brackish gratitude.

MARINER: So, uh, you and Ramsey

are pretty tight, huh?
How'd you guys meet?

I do not believe that information

has any bearing on
our current objective.

Damn, Durga. I was just making chitchat.

- [ALARM BLARING]
- WARREN: [GASPS] Critical overpressure.

One of the cascade valves
must be jammed open!

We've got seconds

till the whole system blows!

Mariner, the tricorders.

Um, uh, I... You know,
I think I left them

in the transporter room.

[ALL GRUNTING, GROANING]

Try clearing it with a subsonic pulse.

[WHIRRING]

MARINER: I must have
grabbed the wrong crate.

I-I left all our tricorders
back on the Cerritos.

Which is the least useful
place for them to be,

First Officer Mariner.

FREEMAN: Captain Ramsey,

I just wanted to take a brief pause

from our covert operation
to check in on my ship.

The Cerritos and her crew

have performed admirably,
Captain Freeman.

We've repaired the waste pipe on Khwopa

and are waiting on the Rubidoux.

Very good. I've got to go.

These rulot seeds are highly volatile.

I may be called to plant
them at any moment.

Godspeed, Captain.

Okay, so, they might plant seeds?

Well, sounds like they're on
a very important mission.

Strange. The Rubidoux
should have arrived by now.

Well, Captain Dayton
isn't exactly punctual,

but we may as well follow
up. Initiate long-range scan.

[CLEARS THROAT] Mariner,

- if you don't mind?
- Oh! Me.

Right. [CHUCKLES] Sure thing.

- Uh, here we go. [SCREAMS]
- [ALARM BLARING]

Ah! Uh, s-sorry! Hold on. Uh...

Perhaps Mariner isn't
as apt as you recall.

Nobody move! Just wait. It'll...

- It'll tire itself out.
- [CHUCKLES] Hey, hey, hey.

- Just breathe. You've got this.
- Uh...

♪ ♪

_

[GASPS]

Huh.

- [GROWLS]
- [WHIMPERS]

Wow, I never knew there were

this many accidents in Starfleet.

Which is exactly why Division exists:

to hide the mistakes Starfleet
would like to ignore.

Oh, well, that doesn't
sound very Starfleety.

The admirals wouldn't want to jeopardize

the allegiance of their officers

by forcing them to work alongside

a man whose body is equal parts

accelerated growth and reverse aging.

That's right. Stare at me.

- I-I wasn't s-staring.
- The freak

infected by an alien horse bite,

doomed to live out his
days as half a rascal.

Everyone would rather avert
their gaze instead of curing us.

We're inconvenient.

But aren't there specialists
who specialize in this?

Tell that to Ensign Jenna,

exposed to delta radiation.

Or Ellis and Sanderson.

Neutrino field transporter accident.

- We have two of everything.
- Almost everything.

And Anthony.

- [EXHALES]
- [SNIFFS]

Hi, Anthony. Did it used to be a man?

Yeah, that's what we're assuming.

Don't worry, The Dog. You don't
belong here with these freaks.

I'll break you out first chance I get.

Come on, you're making
it sound worse than it is.

I mean, we're all going
to a resort planet

with gentle nurses and whatnot.

- It's gonna be great.
- [LAUGHS]

The Farm?

You really think they're taking
us to a paradise planet?

Wait, yeah. I... Then
where are we going?

Nowhere. We've been here for months.

- This is the Farm!
- [THUNDER RUMBLING]

♪ ♪

It's the Rubidoux, Captain.

All systems appear to be offline.

I told Dayton to get her energy
coils replaced last month.

Looks like I was right. [SIGHS]

If power's out, they're probably
holed up in a safe room,

waiting for rescue, just like last time.

Durga, Mariner, Warren,

you're with me. Let's give them a jump.

♪ ♪

Power has been
interrupted in Engineering.

Durga, get the main systems back online.

Mariner and I will figure out
where the crew is holed up.

Should be a simple
repair for me, Captain.

Check in every minutes.
Oh, and someone make sure

to get a picture of me
and Captain Dayton

when she thanks me for
saving her ass again.

- [SCREAMING]
- [GRUNTS]

[CHUCKLES] Sorry. Uh, new boots.

Wait is going on with you? I
really need you to step it up.

Sorry. Yeah, no, I'll do better.

You know, it's these darn
boots. These boots are, like...

I got... I... Well, I wanted to get,

- like, a taller boot.
- Stop with the boots!

- [WHINES]
- What's up, girl?

What's wrong? You... You want walkies?

Oh, come on. Let's go.

Listen up. There's a
shift change at .

It's our chance to take the ship.

You're talking about a mutiny.

Exactly. We'll find our own planet

where we won't be treated like
failed science experiments.

Tonight, freaks fight back!

[CHANTING]: Freaks fight
back! Freaks fight back!

Brother, freaks united
are freaks no more.

Say it with me. Freaks fight back!

Yeah. Freaks fight back.

[CHANTING]: Freaks fight back!

Freaks fight back! Freaks fight back!

...is what they were all
chanting. We were all doing it

in unison.

Mutiny? On my ship? How dare they!

Sir, they just want more information.

I think if we all sat down
in a conference room

- and talked it out...
- [SCREAMING]

- [SCREAMS]
- If those freaks think they can mutiny,

they're in for a rude awakening.

No, no, no! The only reason I
told you is so nobody gets hurt.

We're all Starfleet. We
have to follow the rules.

- I am the rules.
- Wait!

We can talk this out! Sir!
Don't tell them I tattled!

Don't tell them I tattled!

MARINER: Um, hello?

Hello, Rubidoux people? Hello?

Oh, where are these guys?

How do you do this every
day? It is so boring.

You used to love space mysteries.

Yeah. I used to be dumb.

That's one way to look at it.

- What does that mean?
- I expected

to be working with the
capable Starfleet badass

I knew at the Academy,
not whatever you are now.

Yeah, and I expected to be
working with my fun friend,

- not a total...
- Hold it.

These doors have been manually sealed.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[CREW MEMBERS CRYING]

- [GASPS] I don't want to die.
- Stand down. We're Starfleet.

- I don't want to die.
- Captain Dayton.

Whoa, Captain, Captain,
you're gonna be okay.

No! That thing is still out there!

There's nothing outside
except the Cerritos.

You don't understand!
We're inside of it!

It's time. Let's shake the ship!

- What do you think you're doing?
- Uh... nothing.

Mutiny makes you traitors!

Mutiny? No, these are just props

that we're using for our...
our musical, right, guys?

Stop lying! Boimler told me
everything! Brad Boimler.

- Ooh, no, no, no.
- Right there... Brad Boimler.

Boimler, what the hell?!

[LAUGHS] Freaks fight back?

From now on, everyone is
confined to their quarters.

I suggest you spend the time alone,

thinking about how to be more like Brad.

Wait, wait, wait. I have no
idea how he found out, guys.

- That's crazy.
- Get the rat!

- Get him!
- Guys, no. Help! So many freaks!

We shut down systems
because it feeds on electricity.

Durga, do not restore power.

RAMSEY: Durga, Durga... restore power.

Captain, artificial gravity
is coming back online.

[LOUD WHOOSHING]

[GASPS, WHIMPERS]

- What the hell?!
- [CREAKING]

Oh, stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

How big is this thing?

All right, everyone with
me. We need to stay calm.

Hallway, now!

Ramsey to Cerritos. Prepare
for emergency transport.

Damn thing must be blocking signals.

[SHATTERING]

I don't want to die in space!
I don't want to die in space!

- We're all gonna...
- Pick her up.

We have to get to the bridge.
That's where we beamed in.

There's a good chance

- we can still get a signal out.
- Ugh.

Where has this Mariner been all day?

I don't know what you're talking about.

No, no, no, no.
Something's going on here.

Been non-stop screwing up,
then suddenly, you're back

to taking charge and punching out
captains and... Wait a minute.

- [LOUD THUDDING]
- [GROANING]

Maybe let's talk, like, after
the giant space emergency.

You were taking a dive, weren't you?

You figured out I was gonna
offer you a spot on the Oakland.

Yeah, well, maybe I didn't
want my best friend

trying to trick me into
a job I didn't want.

- You ever think of that?
- Ugh!

We all thought you'd be the
first captain from our class.

You got the best grades,
you kept us all on track.

Now it seems like you
don't even like Starfleet.

You used to do whatever you
wanted whenever you wanted.

Now you got to check in with
Durga every five minutes.

Because I love leading a team
that puts their trust in me.

Fine, but I don't love

that everyone's always screaming at me

to rank up and take charge.

Why can't I just be
a super great ensign?

Look, how about you stop
pretending to be a [BLEEP],

and I'll stop trying to recruit you,

- and we can go save these people?
- Deal!

[PANTING, WHIMPERING]

- Got you.
- [CROWD CLAMORING]

A rat trapped in an airlock.

That sounds about right.

Any last words?

Please don't hurt me.
Please don't hurt me!

I'm just a freak like you, see?

[GASPS, LAUGHS]

It wore off! I'm not a freak anymore!

Hey, would you look at that! Great!

You're normal now. [LAUGHS]

Enjoy your walk in space.

[ALARM SOUNDING]

Wait. Why is the air not
being forced from my lungs?

The Farm! It's real?

Isn't it beautiful? The
missions might be long,

but it's worth it every
time we get back.

Ooh! Do I have egg on my face.

Sir, I'm sorry for the whole...

- mutiny thing.
- I get it.

The Farm does seem unbelievable.

No, I'm sorry I reacted the way I did.

We should have just talked it out.

Which is what I said we should do!

Next time, we'll avoid a
mutiny before it happens.

Maybe paint the ship
some friendlier colors,

turn on some lights
so it isn't so creepy.

Enjoy your path to recovery, my friends.

[EVIL CACKLING]

Oh, it's just the way I laugh.

[EASY LISTENING MUSIC PLAYS]

[BEEPS]

[BREATHING LOUDLY]

This is where we have to say goodbye.

[GASPS] I never wanted to leave you.

You're not a freak.
You're just a good dog.

I will never give up trying
to get you back home.

Tendi, you have been
an exemplary creator.

But do not cry. I like it here!

There's far more space to run

and many fascinating things
upon which to urinate.

[GASPS] Oh, wow. I'm
so glad you're happy!

Well, The Dog, then I
guess this is goodbye.

Farewell, Tendi.

May the suns shine upon you.

[TENDI SIGHS]

Wait. You knew she could talk and walk?

Yeah, of course she
can talk. She's a dog.

Normal dogs don't do any of that stuff.

They don't?

Wait. But normal dogs hover
and spit lightning, right?

- No, none of that!
- Oh!

Well, then this is starting
to make a lot more sense.

Hey, you are a freak.

I know! I just didn't want you to worry.

Oh, she's such a good girl.

Oh, we call dibs on this cutie.

- [LAUGHING]: Oh.
- No, he shouldn't

even be here. He's not a freak anymore.

- You're not?
- I, uh, I have acid reflux.

That's kind of freakish. [GRUNTS]

Wait, wait, wait!

No. [WHIMPERS]

- [THUDDING]
- [WHIMPERING]

[GASPS]

Not today, snot! [GRUNTS]

- [BOTH GRUNTING]
- Durga, report.

There's some sort of alien
entity inside the ship.

- Oh, you think?
- Okay, everybody,

we're gonna get you out of here.

[THUDDING]

- Warren, beam us out of here.
- I'm trying. There's too many.

We-we won't have time.

[CLINKING, HISSING]

Rutherford!

We need your transporter
thing up and running now!

It made Boimler weird!

Boim us out of here!

[WHIMPERING]

- Hold on!
- Rutherford!

[YELLING]

- [GLASS BREAKING]
- [SCREAMING]

[YELLING]

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTS]

Come on, baby. Give
Rutherford the juice!

[GRUNTING]

[CREAKING]

[THUD]

- [GASPING]
- [METALLIC TRILLING]

[WHOOPING, LAUGHING, CHEERING]

Oh, man, I knew you could do it, Ruthy!

Why are we still in phase?

Ah, it's just cosmetic.

- It's just cosmetic.
- [CHEERING, WHOOPING]

RAMSEY: Captain's log.

The evacuation of the U.S.S.
Rubidoux was a success,

thanks to the quick thinking
of the Cerritos crew.

While the exact classification
of this space entity eludes us,

we believe it to be peaceful,
in search of a home.

You're cured?

I mean, see? I knew you'd be fine.

Listen, you got to mess me up again.

Not permanently, but maybe,
like, a nice two-week freak.

I have been tinkering with
some ancient plasmas.

Aw. Good afternoon. I'm Tendi.

How are you today? Ugh. Ugh!

Ugh! She licked me. What a weirdo!

Would you look at that?

Nothing like a big, crazy
alien to remind you

why "space explorer"
is such a great gig.

Yeah, it's the best.

Well, Starfleet isn't perfect,
but my offer still stands.

If you want a chance to lead
by example, I'd have your back.

Yeah, if I was gonna rank up
for anyone, it would be you,

but, you know, I still have
some stuff to figure out

while I'm lower decks,
about who I want to be.

Like, maybe I'll buckle
down and become a captain.

Maybe I won't. [LAUGHS] Probably won't.

- I just need time to find me.
- I know you will.

Well, well, well, beautiful
Captain Ramsey.

I'd love to buy you a drink.

- [BOTH GRUNTING]
- [GLASS BREAKING]

Oh. Sorry, Ransom. Instincts kicked in.

I'll take a pass on that drink.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[GRUNTS] Good one, Ramsey.

That's our thing. She's kidding.

[MAN IMITATES WEAPONS f*ring]:
Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

Chirp.