09x01 - The Best of the Enemies

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

♪ I'm puttin' on my top hat ♪

♪ Tyin' on my white tie ♪

♪ Brushin' off my tails ♪

♪♪♪ (humming)

♪ I'm ♪

♪ Doin' up my shirt front ♪

♪ Puttin' in my shirt studs ♪

♪ Polishin' my nails ♪

(humming)

Thank you, Charles
of the Ritzies. (humming)

‐Hey, twinkle toes?
‐Yes?

‐Do you take requests?
‐I certainly do.

Can I hear the refrain
from singing?

(laughing)
You're just jealous

'cause I got a 24‐hour
pass and you don't.

I'm too tired to be jealous.

Your pass to Seoul is my
ticket to the Land of Nod.

Pleasant dreams, bunkie.

Dreams? Did I say dreams?

♪ Dream when
you're feeling blue ♪

♪ Dream ♪

♪ That's the thing to do ♪

♪ But I get a kick
out of you ♪

I figured you were leaving.

I got wind of your
eau de "cologney"

clear over to post‐op.

Thank you. It's the sweet
smell of excess.

Begging your pardon,
sir, and madam.

Call of the mail.

Oh, a note from
the Dad Letter Office.

Got me a missive
from the missus.

(laughs)
Ah! Look at this!

A picture of Dad and
my little cousin Martin

at the annual
sugaring‐off dinner.

What's a sugaring‐off
dinner?

Oh, you urban prisoner,
you.

It is the social event of
the entire maple syrup season.

All the saps
come out of the woodwork.

Better saddle up, vaquero.
You do need some time off.

Thanks for lending me
the car, Dad.

Don't worry.
I won't scratch the rust.

Hot mustard!

Good news, Colonel?

I'll say. Mildred and her
partner took first prize

in the big Hannibal, Missouri,
bridge tournament.

Ah, you must be
very proud.

As in peacock, Padre.

She even enclosed a diagram
of the winning hand.

I take it that the winning
hand had a g*n in it.

‐How's that?
‐Oh, forgive me, sir.

Being a past master myself,

I've always had
a particular reverence

for the game of bridge.

It always depresses me
to see people attempt it

who are better suited
to canasta or panguini.

Are you making cracks
about my better half?

Not at all, sir.
I'm sure she richly deserves

the accolades of her peers

at the Missouri
Blue Hair Invitational.

Now get this, boy.

Me and Mildred
were playin' bridge

when you were still
making gum marks
on your silver spoon.

We're the best
mixed‐doubles bridge team

in the entire
Show‐Me State.

That is roughly
the equivalent

of being the finest hockey
player in all of Ecuador.

Think you're pretty
smart, don't you?

Would you care
to put your money
where your foot is?

What say we have a little
showdown of our own?

Sir, are you challenging me?

You bet your blue blood.

I'd slap you
across the kisser
if I had a glove,

preferably one
of Primo Carnera's.

I must warn you, sir,
it is I who shall stand
victorious

o'er your fallen cock,

as my sister Honoria and I

were four times champions

of the Beacon Hill
Bridge Society.

Well, well. I think
we have the makings
of a classic brouhaha.

Do I hear the sound
of a grudge match,

bridge hands with
brass knuckles on them?

Yes! Colonel Potter's
just thrown down the gauntlet.

I intend to see
that he picks it up.

You're on, sonny.

Wonderful. I'll go set up
a table in the Officers Club.

Whoa, Padre.

We're gonna need partners.

This is
your lucky day, sir.

I'm ready, willing,
and available.

Forget it, Klinger.
This tournament is open
to mammals only.

We'll keep you in mind if
ever we have a tournament
of Crazy Section 8s.

I don't play myself,
but what about B. J.?

He's got to be a bridge player.
He lives in the suburbs.

Hunnicutt? A Californian?

The only bridge he knows
is the Golden Gate.

Wait a minute!

Major Houlihan is
an excellent player.

A shark is more like it.

Fascinating as this is,

I think I will retire
to the Swamp

and enjoy the view
of Pierce's empty bunk.

What about partners?

Sir, with all due respect,

I will have you weeping
into your bridge mix,

even if I wind up partnered
with your horse.

Hold it a second.
Is a horse a mammal?

♪ Come away with me, Lucille ♪

♪ In my merry Oldsmobile ♪

♪ Down the road
of life we'll fly ♪

♪ Automobub‐‐ ♪

(g*nshots)

(engine cranking)

Come on, baby. I'm sittin'
here with my brass exposed.

(cranking continues)

Oh, hi. Sorry if I took
your parking space.

I'll be out of here
in a jiffy.

(cranking continues)

Look, I'm not armed. See?

No g*ns, no bombs, no errors.

Look, why‐‐
Why don't you take the jeep?

It's dead. Maybe it'll
fill your quota.

‐(Korean)
‐What?

What‐‐ You want the suitcase?

No, you don't want it.
Okay, fine. It's all right.

What?

What, You want‐‐
You want the medical bag?

You got it. There.
Wear it in good health.

Yeah, okay. Okay.

‐All right. I'll‐‐
‐(Korean continues)

Look, I realize
I'm dressed to k*ll,

but don't take it
literally.

You want me and the
medical bag, is that it?

Okay. You got it. Sure.
Okay. Fine. Good. Okay.

Look,
if we're going in there,

I think I should warn you
I'm not a tree surgeon.

Why, Charles.

Ah, top of the afternoon,
Margaret.

I dropped by because
I have a little surprise

that you might find
amusing.

It seems that our own
Colonel Potter

fancies himself
quite a bridge player.

‐Oh, really?
‐Yes.

And as you are
perhaps aware,

I am of championship
caliber at the game.

I wasn't aware. But I'm
certainly not surprised.

Oh, thank you. Well,
the upshot of all this

is that, after a few
well‐chosen lunchtime japes,

I find myself challenged
to a bridge tournament
by the old boy.

And?

And I am offering you
the chance

of sharing the joy of taking
that bumpkin to the cleaners.

You're too late, Winchester.

The bumpkin b*at you to her.

(chuckling)
Hi.

Colonel, what a coincidence.
We were just talking about you.

I heard every word.
The old boy ain't
"deef," you know.

Good. Then you will be
able to hear clearly

Margaret say that she
would prefer to play with me.

Where I'm from,
it's first come, first served.

And I'm here
and you're there.

Need I elaborate?

Hold it, both of you.

As much as a woman
might enjoy

having two distinguished
gentlemen fight over her,

‐I‐‐
‐Margaret,

I have no intention
of fighting for you.

The advantages of pairing
with me are obvious:

a brilliant partner,
stimulating play,
the only hope of victory,

and a dozen pair
of silk stockings

and $50 cash after we win.

That's bribery!

No, that is the American way.

‐Survival of the richest.
‐Relax, both of you.

Charles, I have already agreed
to play with Colonel Potter.

After all, he is
the ranking player here.

Aha. In other words,
he ordered you.

Confucius say
a bird on the collar
beats your 50 dollar.

Go away.

But Bede, you Old Bean,

do you have any idea
what a beautiful day
it is out there?

The sky is blue.
The birds are singing.

Why would anyone want to waste
their time sleeping

when they can be in the
officers' club playing bridge?

You heard about people
who walk in their sleep?

‐I punch in my sleep.
‐Ah! I like that. Good.

Feisty, combative.
Two prime requisites
for a bridge player.

You mention cards one more time,
I'm gonna deck you.

Please.

Do me this one
small favor,

and I will be
eternally in your debt.

Really?

Can I play my Frankie Laine
records on your phonograph?

Even "Mule Train."

Can I trim my mustache
with your silver scissors?

Yes. Yes, even your toenails.
Are we a team?

Nah.
I don't want that stuff.

Then damn it, man,
what do you want?

Well, well, well.
We are desperate, aren't we?

That sort of puts me
in the driver's bunk.

Well, Charles, I'll partner
with you on one condition.

Yes. What? Anything. Say it.

That you personally
guarantee me

12 uninterrupted hours
of blissful slumber.

‐Is that all?
‐Ah!

But I said absolutely
uninterrupted.

Anybody wants me for anything,
you go in my place.

‐Agreed. Agreed.
‐And.

Somehow I knew
there would be an "and."

Well, I'm sure you'd agree

no good night's sleep
is complete

without a good
morning breakfast

served to me right here
by guess who.

Don't press your luck,
Hunnicutt.

I am a flawless player.
I can win with anyone.

‐Good luck to you and anyone.
‐(scoffs)

Will that be bacon
or sausage?

Why do I get the feeling

we're looking for a nice,
out‐of‐the‐way spot

just to get me out of the way?

‐I take it he's with you.
‐(Korean continues)

Look, I want
to save your friend,

but just in case I can't,

does that mean you'll
pay me in hot lead

instead of cold cash?

You don't have to
answer right away.

Think it over.
Take your time.

Let me know in 10 or 20 years.

Call me at home,
collect.

I'm in the book.

All right. Look, I'm‐‐

I'm just gonna lift back
his blanket, okay?

‐Hurry, hurry.
‐Yeah. I know. Please.

Don't let my trembling
hands get you upset.

(gasping)

He's got a lot
of shrapnel in his chest.

Oh, boy. Those head
wounds are serious.

We gotta move him.

(Korean)

Look, look, look, I‐I‐I
work in a hospital. See?

I work in a hospital
just, like,

a hand grenade's throw
from here.

Look, no, nobody will
hurt you. You'll be fine.

If we can get back to my jeep
and we go very fast,

down that road to the hospital,
we can help him in no time.

Take no time at all. Come on.

‐(clicking)
‐All right! Okay!
All right, all right!

I'm not gonna move him, okay?
I'm not gonna move him. No.

No moving.

Look, I want to save him
as much as you do.

No point in everybody dying.

Uh‐huh.

Yeah, well, I think
I get the picture,

even without subtitles.

As long as he stays alive,
I stay alive.

KLINGER: Okay, fans,
top of the second rubber,

and what a rout!

The Potter‐Houlihan duo

is murdering
Winchester‐Hunnicutt.

New odds are 8‐5.
Place your bets, folks.

‐Klinger!
‐No talking from the dummy.

‐Sorry, sir.
‐Not you. Him.

‐Aha!
‐Damn.

Your inept play
has cost us every trick.

So I miscounted Tr*mp.
Big deal.

Now, Major,
we have to be patient

with the less‐experienced
players.

What are you worried
about, Major?

B.J.'s got a straight flush.

Klinger, you idiot!
You're giving away his hand.

How can I? I don't know
nothin' about this game.

There's an awful lot
of that going round.

I'd love a scotch.

Ix‐nay
on the ootch‐hay, pard.

But I'm thirsty.

Now, Margaret,
you know how you get

after a couple of belts.
In no time,

you'll be buckin'
and wingin' in the rafters.

‐(mutters)
‐Signaling is verboten!

Signaling!
I wasn't signaling.

I wasn't.
Ask anyone in the club.

That does it, Winchester!

Outside until this hand
is over.

(card slaps down)

Now it's over.

Whoopee! Ha! I won!

Yes, we did!

This is beyond belief!

Shut up, Charles.

Well, ain't that
a fine howdy‐do?

The regular army rube whupped
the Beacon Hill big sh*t.

Colonel, you seem to keep
forgetting that it was

my defense that b*at them.

Relax, Charlie.
We'll get them next time.

We? "Wee" merely describes
the size of your brain.

This is hopeless.
I'm outnumbered three to one!

Cease f*ring
on the alibi barrage.

I would have stomped you,
even if your partner

was old Charlie Goran himself.

Oh, is that so?

There's more shrapnel
in his head.

Probably a subdural hematoma.

Hematom‐‐ What am I doing
talking Greek to a Korean?

Look, look,
one pupil is dilated.

He's bleeding
into his brain.

I haven't got the equipment
here to help him.

I've gotta get him
to a hospital.

He's liable to die
if we don't move him.

You understand me
about as well as he does.

‐(grunts)
‐Oh, good.

You operate, and I'll
hold the g*n for a while.

(Korean)

Yeah, yeah,
I know, I know.

But the chest isn't
even half the problem.

Yeah. Right.
Fine. Okay. Sure.

Yeah.
N‐Nice‐looking family.

(Korean)

As long as
we're trading snapshots.

May I?

I'll see his family

and raise you a father,
who raised me.

So, uh,

we've both got something
to live for, you know?

KLINGER:
New bets for old.
New bets for old.

It's now
a whole new bridge game.

Winchester‐Houlihan
versus Potter‐Hunnicutt.

You can't tell the players
without a scorecard.

And these players
you can't tell anything.

Margaret, let me get you
that scotch now.

It might help
to relieve the pressure.

You know how tightly
wound you are.

Thank you, Colonel,

for that transparent attempt
to get the major soused.

We'll pass until
the victory celebration.

Don't forget, Charles.

Even though I'm not
your partner anymore,

you still owe me
breakfast in bed.

Dream on,
Captain Hornblower.

After the way
you butchered that last game?

‐Forget it.
‐Breakfast in bed
for your partner?

Charles,
what a wonderful idea.

I'll have scrambled eggs
and toast.

If anyone's getting
breakfast in the boudoir,

I say it ought to be
the winners‐‐

‐Fine.
‐Served up by the losers.

Aha‐ha‐ha.
Then lay out your finest
busboy ensemble, Colonel.

(chuckles)
I start the bidding
with one heart.

Two clubs.

My goodness,
it's quiet in here.

Are you sure
they're still alive?

(gasps) Pervert!

POTTER:
What in the Sam Hill?

He's playing footsie
with me under the table!

Charles, how gauche.

Don't flatter yourself,
Margaret.

He was trying to give you
bidding signals.

The only thing worse
than a pervert is a cheat!

I was innocently
stretching my leg.

I've been sitting here
for over an hour.

How'd you like to be
kneeling for a week

over a dirty latrine?

I cannot play with this woman!
She is a dolt and a prude.

Well, I'm stuck
with Hunnicutt's foul‐ups,

but you don't see me
sobbin' in my suds.

That's it. I'm not
givin' up any more sleep

for this nightmare.

I've had it
with Major Touchy‐Feely!

Wait, wait. You must realize
that all great competitors,

like great tennis racquets,
are tightly strung.

Surely we can find some way

around these trivial personality
conflicts.

I have this wonderful
fantasy

of the three of us
driving back to camp,

where I can operate properly
on those head wounds.

My alternate fantasy's
not so bad, either.

We drive back to your camp,

and I spend
the rest of the w*r

waiting for Red Cross
packages,

admiring your
gentlemanly observance

of the Geneva Convention.

‐(gasping)
‐(Korean)

He can't breathe.
His airway's blocked.

(Korean)

Come here. Come here.
I need your help.

I gotta‐‐ I gotta
open up his windpipe.

(gasping continues)

Damn it. Come here.

I need you to hold him down

so I can make an opening
in his windpipe.

Will you get down here?

I need you to hold him down
so I can open up his throat!

Do you hear what I'm saying?
Damn it, now! Get down here!

Hold him down.

Don't worry about your g*n.

There'll be plenty of time
later to k*ll me.

KLINGER:
Who'd have thunk it?

Houlihan‐Hunnicutt
b*ating the daylights

out of Potter‐Winchester.

It's a topsy‐turvy world
we live in, folks.

‐Go, Margaret!
‐(laughing)

‐Watch my dust.
‐What a m*ssacre.

The Davids are about
to slay the Goliaths.

This is your fault,
Winchester.

You wouldn't
support my hearts.

You wouldn't support
my diamonds.

Winchester, I'd like
to Tr*mp your face.

That does it. Small slam.
We win the rubber.

(crowd groaning)

‐Beaver biscuits!
‐Let's celebrate.

All of that winning
made me thirsty.

Colonel. I can say
quite categorically

that you are the doodle's
weaver of bridge.

Thank you.
I like it.

Of course, you do.

Klinger, I believe
there's the small matter

of the wagers
to be settled.

Are you kidding?

Everybody bet on either
Potter or Winchester.

Who knew these two would
turn out to be the winners?

Klinger, if you'll recheck
your receipts,

I think you'll find
someone did bet on
Houlihan and Hunnicutt.

Hey, you're right. 20 bucks
on Houlihan and Hunnicutt

bet by Father Francis Mulcahy.

Hey, Father,
how come you knew

Margaret and I
would win?

My money was
on her and Charles.

Oh, ye of little faith.

I knew if those two
ever teamed up,

their giant egos would
cancel each other out.

Besides, any horse player
will tell you,

when the money is split
between the favorites,

bet on the long sh*t.

You're doing great, pal.
Just hang in there.

Okay, now for the hard part.
Come here.

Give me your hand.
Give me your hand.

Put it down here.

You gotta pull the skin back,
keep the trachea open.

I'm gonna
get something in there

so he can breathe
through it.

Please let me have a pen.

A pen.

Let's just hope it's
mightier than the sword.

(blows)

Pull it back. Pull it back.

I gotta get this in so he
can breathe through it.

Now, if I could just
get in that opening.

Okay.

Wait a minute.
He's not breathing.

God.

(exhaling forcefully)

Come on, breathe!

(exhaling continues)

Come on! Come on!

(grunting)

(grunt)
Come on.

Come on. Give me a pulse.

I'm sorry. I tried.

I haven't the equipment.

(Korean)

If you had lead clubs
after I bit them,

we wouldn't be here now
as dumb waiters.

Buzz off, Slim.
And I did lead clubs.

You lead spades.

Clubs look like
little clover things.

The spades look like
little shovels.

I'm gonna take a large shovel
and knock you to Guam.

What a shame to have wasted
all these years as a doctor

when I could have been
doing this for a living.

Hunnicutt?

Hu‐‐ Well, hello.
Well, well.

The chef has prepared
your breakfast
as per your request.

The eggs
are crisp and brown,

and the bacon
is yellow and runny.

May you gag on every bite.

Why should this breakfast
be any different?

(muttering)

Good heavens.
What time did he
drag himself in?

How would I know?
I was asleep.

From the looks of him,
he had one wild R&R.

(scoffs) And he
calls himself a doctor.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (theme)