09x04 - Father's Day

[bunniefuu]

♪ (theme)

KLINGER (on P. A.):
Attention, Major Houlihan.

Last call for Major Houlihan.

You have a phone call.

Oh, by the way,
it'’s your father.

Sorry, sir, I can'’t
seem to locate her.

Perhaps if you call back‐‐

No! You hang up that phone,
and I'’ll k*ll you!

Uh, here'’s your little
angel now, sir.

Daddy? (screams)
I can'’t believe it!

Do you realize there
are millions of people
in Asia with no food,

and I'’m one of them?

Hey, everybody,
listen to this.

I'’ve got the most
exciting news.

My father is coming to visit
day after tomorrow.

"Howitzer" Al Houlihan?

I thought your dad
was retired, Margaret.

What'’s he doing in this
neck of the woods?

It'’s a business trip.

He'’s a civilian
m*llitary adviser now.

After my mom and dad
got divorced,

he decided to take on
a little something,

‐keep himself busy.
‐Sound idea.

Idle hands
are Lucifer'’s workshop.

Well, I, for one, can'’t wait
to shake his hand grenade.

Remember when he sent Margaret
that camouflage negligee

to prevent sneak att*cks?

Can it, you creeps.

Colonel, you will see

that this camp is
shipshape for his arrival?

Aye, aye, Major.
Anything else?

Well, sir, now
that you mention it,

your hair could use
a little trim.

(laughing)

Klinger, there'’s
a cr*cker on the floor.

How can you miss anything
that big?

Well, I didn'’t miss it.
I picked it up and swept
under it.

Well, sweep it or eat it.

I want you to stack
these things neatly.

I assume you'’ve met
Hurricane Margaret.

Well, your outside looks okay.
Any inside information?

It feels pretty good,
Doc.

I'’m releasing you
in the morning.

You can go
back to your unit.

You people
did a terrific job.

I'’d love to find a way
to pay you back.

I work in Food Requisitions
and Disbursements.

Oh, the Department of Cruel
and Unusual Nourishment.

Now I know
where you got that.

p*stol‐whipped with one
of your own waffles.

It was even dumber
than that.

This General Beswick heard
we had fresh strawberries

and just had to have some.

So they sent me
up to the front,

and my jeep turned over.

Your strawberry general
deserves a big raspberry.

Yeah, I'’ll say.

He lives high off the hog,
and guys like you eat slop.

Maybe I can do
something for you.

How'’d you like some steak?

Oh, gee, I don'’t know.
You mean, give up gristle?

No kidding.
When I get back,

I'’ll try to lay my hands
on some prime stuff.

Well, no offense, Morgove,
but I'’ve heard that before.

Why don'’t you just relax?

Don'’t bite off
more than I can chew.

That'’s him! He'’s here!

Fall in! Ten‐hut!

Dress right, dress!

Wipe those smiles
off your faces

and try not to look
so miserable.

Oh, Dad, it'’s so wonderful
to see you.

Margaret, please,
not in front of the troops.

Oh, of course.

Um, Dad, my nurses, sir.

Colonel,
ready for inspection.

Margaret, this sort of thing
is a little out of my league
these days.

Aw, come on, Dad,
you'’ll be so pleased.

They'’re the sharpest
nurses in Korea.

All right.

V.I.P. tent.

(jet flying overhead)

They look fine to me.

Thank you, sir.
Dismissed.

I guess there'’s
only so much you can do

under the circumstances.

Colonel Potter!

‐Colonel Houlihan.
‐Colonel Potter.

Colonel Potter,
this is my father,
Colonel Houlihan.

Right, Major. I can'’t
tell you how good it feels

to shake hands with someone

who remembers the same
Presidents.

‐Welcome to the 4077.
‐Pleasure, Colonel.

And Captains Pierce
and Hunnicutt.

They'’re two of our
finest surgeons.

‐Honor to meet you, Colonel.
‐How do you do, Colonel?

Any father of Margaret'’s
is a father of mine.

Uh, Dad, maybe
I should show you

to your new quarters now.

‐That would be fine, Margaret.
‐Excuse us.

Well, seems like
a nice enough fella.

I don'’t think he took
a shine to my shoes.

I think his first command
to us would be "dress right."

I fixed everything in your tent
exactly the way you like it.

I hope those two
aren'’t typical
of all your officers.

No, they'’re just
draftees.

But they'’re
top‐notch surgeons.

‐(dog barking)
‐(horn honking)

So, how are you, Dad?

Couldn'’t be better.
This job was just
the ticket to keep me busy.

And how'’s my little soldier?

Oh, wonderful.

I'’ve got a lot of
responsibility, but I love it.

I always told you
it'’s better to lead
than to follow, didn'’t I?

‐Yes, sir.
‐At this rate,

you'’ll make lieutenant colonel
right on schedule.

Yes, sir. You bet I will.

It'’s so odd to see you and think
that you and Mother aren'’t...

Margaret, it'’s been
a long trip, and, uh...

I'’d like to unpack
and freshen up.

Oh, of course, Daddy.
I understand.

I'’ll see you later.

‐Captain Pierce?
‐Yeah?

There'’s a package
for you in my office

the size of New Jersey,
only heavier.

‐For me?
‐Uh‐huh.

‐What is it?
‐I don'’t know.

But it'’s marked
"Educational Materials."

Who'’s it from?

Um, Sergeant Morgove
at Quartermaster Supply.

Morgove? Oh, Morgove.

He was that kid
with the head wound.

‐Ah.
‐Promised to‐‐

send me some, uh...

What?

(chuckles)

‐What? What?
‐Come on.

We may get a chance
to educate our palates.

Come on, what is it, Teach?

Well, I don'’t wanna get
your hopes up.

Just, uh, follow me and keep
your knives and forks crossed.

‐Didn'’t I tell you?
‐Would you look at that?

This is almost more
than a mouth can take.

‐What? What?
‐What is it?

Relax, gentlemen.
If we'’re lucky,

you may have a bone
to pick with me.

‐Get a hammer.
‐Hammer.

(chuckles)

See what that says.

Uh, "Dear Dr. Pierce,
Please be advised

"that this package is top secret
as well as top grade.

It has been accidentally
rerouted from General Beswick"?

"This time,
he gets canned liver

and you get prime steaks."

‐Steaks!
‐Steaks! Close the door.

"Thanks, and once again
sincerely, Ronnie Morgove."

I thought he was just kidding.

Now he'’s gonna
make me eat his words.

Oh, you mean to tell me

this whole box
is full of steak,

as in tender, tasty,
tempting T‐bone?

From the size,
it must be A‐to‐Z‐bone.

Look at that.
It'’s packed in dry ice.

I got gloves.

B.J.: Will you hurry?

My taste buds are
dancing in the street.

This is fantastic.
There must be enough
here for the whole camp.

‐We could throw a surprise
party in the mess tent.
‐Yeah.

It'’s the last place anybody'’d
expect to find food.

Hey, wait a minute.
What cut of steak is this?

That'’s the unkindest
cut of all‐‐

a frozen, naked cow.

Looks like your friend Morgove
gave us the cold shoulder.

It'’ll take at least
24 hours to thaw.

Close the lid. Listen.

I think we oughta put
this whole party on ice

for a couple of days.

A guy like Howitzer Al would
love to sh**t his mouth off

to General Beswick, you know?

I'’ll keep it here
till he'’s gone.

‐Yeah.
‐Nobody will go near it.

It'’s marked
"Educational Material."

‐That'’s good.
‐Hey, let'’s go.

‐What?
‐We'’ve got wounded.

Well, that'’ll certainly
k*ll our appetites.

I got a bad bleeder here.

Can you see
everything okay, Dad?

Don'’t worry about me,
Margaret.

Just go on with your work.

There we go.
A stitch in time saves six.

Number seven.
Now serving number seven.

Oh, by the by, Pierce,
on the way over,

I nearly took a header
on that crate addressed to you.

Bigger than my first house.
What'’s in it?

Uh, educational materials.

Educational material?
For Pierce?

It'’s like buying gloves
for the Venus de Milo.

Bite your tongue, Charles.
It'’s liable to be all you get.

Uh, they'’re just joking, Dad.

They like to work
in a lighthearted atmosphere.

Just this once, couldn'’t
you conduct yourself,

with the tiniest trace
of professionalism?

Margaret, will you
perch somewhere?

Your shoes
are beginning to smoke.

He'’s your father.
He'’s not the inspector general.

‐I ask you to do one
crummy thing for me‐‐
‐(coughs)

...because it really
means a lot,

and this is what I get.

I don'’t know why I expected
anything from any of you.

Margaret, take it easy,
will you?

You'’re a nurse
in a china shop.

(sighs)

‐♪ (radio: big band)
‐(knocking)

Come in.

I thought you might like
a little snack before
you turn in.

Well, thank you.

Let me fix your bed for you.
Look at this.

I specifically told Klinger
not to get you a fat pillow.

It'’s not even a soft
fat pillow.

It'’s a hard fat pillow.

How are you supposed
to sleep on a hard fat pillow?

I'’ll get you another pillow.

‐No, the pillow is fine.
‐But it'’s fat.

It'’s all right.

How about the blankets?
Are you gonna be warm enough?

Yes, Margaret.
I'’ve spent half of my life

‐sleeping in trenches.
‐Yeah.

I think I can survive
with what'’s here.

(chuckles)

So tell me all
about your new job.

Well, there'’s really
not a lot to tell.

Keeps me busy.

Yeah, well, we keep
pretty busy here too.

So, tell me, what are some
of the things that you do?

They must be fascinating.

I just don'’t know
where to start.

Besides, I'’m a little
bit tired, Margaret.

We'’ll talk tomorrow, okay?

Okay. Sure, Dad.
Good night.

Good night.

Dad, about the O. R. today‐‐

Please, Margaret, I'’d just
rather not talk about it.

Well, I‐I just wanted
to say I'’m so sorry.

I‐I'’ve just never
been so clumsy.

Oh, that.

Well, I'’m sure you won'’t
let it happen again.

No.

Hey, Colonel.

Buy you a drink,
Colonel?

Only if you promise
to call me Sherman.

Sherman. I'’m Alvin.

I was hoping we'’d have
a chance to chew the fat.

Margaret tells me you'’re
an old cavalry man, too.

Yeah, I rode for almost two
years with the 127th.

Now, in that first w*r,
the army was really the army.

Yep, we sure put the kibosh
on the Kaiser.

Now it'’s just a lot
of old newspaper clippings.

Most of these fighting men
weren'’t even born then.

It'’s funny how much faster
the time goes

when you begin to slow up.

When I ship out of here,

my home base is gonna be
just plain home.

I'’m gonna convert the back
room into an office

and hang up a shingle
that says "Old Doc Potter"
on one side,

and "Gone Fishin'’"
on the other.

I won'’t care if they
pay me off in chickens.

Well, don'’t count
those chickens too soon.

You figure that retirement
is like a full‐time R&R,

but in a little while,

you'’ve got nothing
to rest up from.

Oh, I don'’t know,
just making it up
to my missus

for a lot of lost years
will be a full‐time job.

Be like courtin'’
all over again.

‐Yeah.
‐(door opens)

‐POTTER: Of course...
‐Uh‐oh.

Giggles Houlihan is here
for the unhappy hour.

Well, the least we can do
is buy him a whiskey sour.

Come on, for Margaret,
let'’s make nice.

Good evening, Colonels.

Is this a private
conversation,

or can a couple
of captains join in?

‐Hello, Doctors.
‐Pull up a chair, boys.

Alvin and I were just
rehashing our salad days.

Good. We can use
some new stories.

Do you men always
dress this casual?

Well, there'’s been
no formal declaration of w*r.

Makes no difference.
You'’re still soldiers.

How '’bout we all
have a drink? It'’s on me.

You fellas don'’t have
a hell of a lot of respect
for the army, do you?

Oh, let'’s not talk shop.

I'’ll have a beer, Colonel.
How about you, Hawk?

You'’re damn lucky
to be wearing your
country'’s uniform.

How dare you clowns
make a mockery of it.

Why shouldn'’t we be clowns?

We'’re living
in a three‐ring circus.

Uh, that'’s one beer,

and what are you having,
Pierce?

I think I'’ve had
just about enough.

Why don'’t you put away
your fife and drum, Colonel?

You punks make me sick.

You'’re a disgrace to the flag.

Damned if I'’m gonna stay here
and drink with you.

‐Hawkeye, wake up!
‐I'’m not asleep. I'’m dead.

Leave flowers and get out.

I'’ve got bad news.

You know that educational
material we were gonna eat?

You didn'’t lose it?

No, no, no.
I just got a call.

General Beswick'’s
plenty steamed

about his plateful of liver.

He'’s got M. P. s
sniffing everywhere.

When they show up here,
it'’ll be his cow and our hides.

Well, we'’re not giving up
without a fight.

That'’s our beef.

We stole it
fair and square.

Yeah, I respect
your lack of integrity,

but what are we gonna do?

We'’ll start the party
a little early. That'’s all.

That heifer'’s frozen solid.

We'’ll never get it thawed
before the M. P. s get here.

Uh, gentlemen,
do my ears deceive me,

or have you purloined
some sirloin?

Not only sirloin,
an entire side of beef.

Uh, Hawk, Beej,

mm‐hmm, Max, aren'’t
we the Four Musketeers,

fighting, wenching, dining?

Relax, Pathos, you'’re in.

Klinger, get that beef
over here,

and don'’t let
anybody see you.

Coming right up, one side
of beef, hold the witnesses.

What can I do?

Well,
for starters, Charles,

take off your pajamas.

Pierce, if this is
another practical joke,

and there is no side of beef‐‐

‐Shh!
‐...rest assured I'’m gonna make
hamburger out of both of you.

‐Just be quiet.
‐Charles, trust me,
and keep moving.

‐Trust me.
‐You!

You! How dare you!

‐You‐‐ Who do you‐‐
‐Margaret‐‐

Strutting around here
like you‐‐

Margaret, calm down.
We don'’t speak gibberish.

Oh, God, I hope you both
are satisfied, you louses.

After your little
shenanigans last night,

my father is packing
to leave right now.

Oh. Ha ha.

We were just trying to be
friendly, you know.

‐Friendly?
‐Yes. He fired
the first sh*t glass.

Who do you think
you'’re trying to kid?

‐Margaret‐‐
‐I heard the whole story,

how you both tried
to humiliate him.

What is it
with you Houlihans?

We try to be civil,
and you jump down
our throats.

‐We were just being
polite, that'’s all.
‐Civil? Don'’t give me that!

You both
are nothing but a pair
of juvenile delinquents!

Come on now.
That'’s not fair.

We were acting
like adults.

I mean, for once,

why don'’t you give us
the benefit of the doubt?

Uh, Klinger,
not yet, Klinger.

Back to the post‐op.

Klinger, freeze!

What is that?

‐Uh...
‐Um...

What is that?

May I present Private
Biff Wellington.

That'’s meat.

Just following
doctors'’ orders.

Adults, huh?

Uh, look, you should have
seen him when he came in.

He was a vegetable.

Major, do you always take
your breakfast for a walk

before you don'’t eat it?

This was my father'’s
breakfast, Colonel.

He'’s too busy packing
to eat it.

I thought he wasn'’t
pulling out till tomorrow.

Well, he said
that something came up,

but I know
what really happened.

Can you blame him

after what those
two idiot doctors did

at the Officers Club?

Whoa, Margaret, I think

you'’re taking a little
shortcut through the facts.

Pierce and Hunnicutt
checked their tongues
at the door.

Your father was the one
who was spoiling for a fight.

That'’s impossible.

Maybe not for a man
who'’s had a few too many.

I don'’t believe that
for a minute.

Now just listen, Margaret.

Would I be telling you this
if it wasn'’t true?

Something was gnawing at him

long before he chewed out
Pierce and Hunnicutt.

You'’re right, Colonel.

‐That something was me.
‐You?

I'’ve been doing everything
wrong since he got here.

First my nurses
weren'’t good enough.

Then I mentioned the divorce.

And then the foul‐up in O. R.

So last night, he went looking
for company in the O Club

because he obviously
didn'’t want mine.

Oh, Margaret, you'’re being
awful tough on yourself.

He'’s such a wonderful man,

and I'’ve just been
disappointing him

my whole life.

(knocking)

Howdy, Alvin.

I heard you'’re
pulling out a mite early,

so I thought I'’d stop over
and say good‐bye.

Good‐bye, Colonel.
Nice meeting you.

I never got a chance
to tell you

how much your daughter
means to all of us.

We couldn'’t run this place
without her.

Well, that little girl'’s
the best thing that ever
happened to me.

Is that so? Well, you sure got
a funny way of showing it.

I beg your pardon?

Margaret'’s busted her
britches

trying to please you,

but you don'’t seem
to give a tinker'’s damn.

Forgive me, Colonel,
but what business
is this of yours?

It'’s my business
'’cause I care about her.

That girl feels like
you'’ve got no use for her.

Listen, Colonel,
my daughter knows
that I love her.

After all, I came
halfway across the world
to see her, didn'’t I?

That should say it all.

It doesn'’t say enough

when all you can do
is find fault.

‐What are you talking about?
‐Well, for starters,

walking out on her
in the middle of O. R.

didn'’t exactly
boost her morale.

That had nothing
to do with Margaret.

Then what did it
have to do with?

Was it the doctors'’
tomfoolery?

Was it the blood?

Let me tell you
something, Alvin.

I'’ve seen tougher
birds than you
who couldn'’t take it.

But it shouldn'’t
happen to me.

You mean you'’d let Margaret
think she'’s a failure

rather than admit
you were about
to lose your lunch?

You'’d rather
crush her feelings

than let on you'’re human
like the rest of us?

Colonel‐‐

You'’re so busy being
"Howitzer" Al Houlihan,

you can'’t even let your own
daughter know you love her?

Listen, Colonel,

you raise your family,
and I'’ll raise mine.

Look. I get the feeling
you'’re not the kind of man

who would have acted the way
you did the other night

unless something'’s
really eating you.

Nowadays, you'’ve got a lot
of empty spaces in your life.

You don'’t have your men,
and you don'’t have your woman.

But you do have your daughter.

I'’d say right now

you'’re running away
from the one person

you should be getting
close to.

Half an inch. Hee hee hee!

At this rate, it'’ll be
ready to cook for dinner.

Boy, talk about
wetting your appetite.

Oh, my, seems like quite
a little wait for the showers.

Oh, yeah, yeah, we'’re saving
spots for two other guys.

Soldiering is a dirty business.

Yeah, it'’s gonna be
a while, Father.

Why don'’t you go back
to your tent?

Cleanse your soul. Kidding.

Oh, Dad, I wish
you didn'’t have to go now.

Well, I'’m sorry, Margaret.

Plans have all
been made, and...

It was nice seeing you.

It was great
to see you, Dad.

‐You have everything?
‐Yes.

Your button'’s loose.

I can fix that.
Let me fix that for you.

‐I'’ll just, I'’ll,
‐No. Just leave it lay,
Margaret.

‐Good‐bye.
‐Good‐bye, Dad.

(engine starts)

(engine off)

I may not have said it
often enough...

but I am proud of you.

Oh, well...

‐Hey, listen.
‐Thank you, Dad.

If I can arrange to be in
Tokyo sometime next month, eh?

Would you come see me?

‐I'’d love it.
‐Oh, Dad!

Oh, you bet I will.
You bet I will.

Good‐bye, Margaret.

Good‐bye, Dad.

(engine starts)

From now on, Pierce,
you do all the shopping.

‐(Charles laughs)
‐Did you get some
of these, Margaret?

Um, well, yes, I did,
actually,

but I think I'’m just
gonna have a few more.

Father, now you understand

why we had to feed you
that bull outside the showers.

Who cares?
Pass the mushrooms.

Okay. You people
are all in trouble.

General Beswick
wants his beef back.

Um...

‐Oh, ho.
‐(mumbling)

Sergeant, we'’ve been
expecting you.

You must be tired

‐and, uh, and hungry.
‐B. J.: Oh, hungry.

‐We'’ve saved a plate for you.
‐Oh!

Sorry, ma'’am.
That'’s stolen beef.

Now, hold on, sonny.

Before you accuse anyone
of cattle rustling,

you better taste this first.

‐Have a bite of habeas carcass.
‐No, wait. I‐I can'’t.

Pass him the mushrooms.

‐Oh, mushrooms.
‐Did you say mushrooms?

I was right. This is steak.

Matter of fact, this is
the best steak I ever tasted.

Finish it up.

Hey, wait, uh,

what am I gonna say
to General Beswick?

Well, after you'’ve
digested the evidence,

you can honestly
tell the general

he'’s got absolutely
no beef here.

♪ (theme)

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