09x06 - A w*r For All Seasons

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

ALL: ♪ ...auld acquaintance
be forgot ♪

♪ And never brought to mind ♪

♪ Should auld acquaintance
be forgot ♪

♪ And days of auld lang syne ♪

♪ For auld lang syne,
my dear ♪

♪ For auld lang syne ♪

♪ We'll take a cup
of kindness yet ♪

♪ For auld lang syne ♪

‐(cheering)
‐(horns tooting)

Attenzione, folks,
attenzione.

Well, the 20th century is
now officially half kaput.

‐And so are we.
‐(laughter)

Here's to the New Year.

May she be a damn sight
better than the old one,

and may we all be home
before she's over.

‐Yay!
‐CHARLES: Hear, hear.
‐Thank you, Colonel.

Klinger, I sure wish I had me
one of those to wear.

It's simple.
You just cut up a bedsheet.

The jacket, you nincompoop!
I'm freezing to death.

Oh, this.
It just came in today.

It's what the warm person
is wearing this winter.

I see you're admiring
the latest fashion
from, uh, Sears.

They were in the catalog
under Life Preservers.

How come you didn't
order one?

Because
I foolishly thought

the army would provide me
with winter gear on time.

‐The army. Right.
‐Uh‐huh.

That same speedy outfit
that just yesterday

delivered a beautiful
package to Valley Forge

addressed to G. Washington.

Klinger, I wanna
see that catalog

first thing
in the morning.

Okay. You'll need a jeep.

I traded it to the 8063rd
for the party decorations.

You traded that catalog for
some stupid pink elephants?

I didn't hear
any complaining till now.

Anyway, there'll be
a new catalog soon.

‐How soon?
‐Next month.

Valentine's Day the latest.

B.J.: Come on, Margaret.

You can't hog
the catalog all day.

I'd be able to read it
a lot faster

if half the pages weren't
covered with chocolate.

(muffled) Why am I always
singled out for blame?

I can't find that coat.

That's what you're
looking for?

‐Yes.
‐Don't holler at
the chocolate soldier

just because you can't
find a winter coat

in a spring/summer
catalog.

You mean there's nothing
in this stupid book
I can use to keep warm?

You could
order some matches
and set it on fire.

Oh, shut up.

Obviously, madame is
overwrought from shopping.

What do you two
think you're doing?

We're looking for a radio.

Take a number, buster.

I haven't finished yet.

The coat's not in there!

I need other stuff, like‐‐

like knitting stuff.

‐Oh!
‐Knitting?

You expect us
to buy that yarn?

Good morning, all. Ah.

I heard the new Sears,
Roebuck catalog was in.

‐Let me just‐‐
‐Not a prayer, Father.

I just want to take a quick
peek at the gardening section.

Well, all we want
is a lousy radio.

If you'll just shut up
and let me order‐‐

Hey! That's enough.
Look at you.

As chief custodian
of this catalog,
I am sadly appalled.

Two respected physicians,
a chief nurse,

and a man of the cloth,
all acting like children.

(gasps)
Wowee! Baseball gloves!

With all due respect, sir,
the Dodgers are a shoo‐in.

You're nuttier
than a jar of goobers.

The Cards
are a lead‐pipe cinch.

Now chuck that apple
in here.

Ooh!

KLINGER: Say, Father!

You wanna wing
that horsehide this way?

I have spent the morning
in the hot sun

planting corn, carnations
and sunflowers.

It was not my intention
to harvest horsehide.

Terrific.
Another hit‐and‐run.

Why... You fur ball!

You're unraveling
my potholder!

Now, now, now.

No sense in crying
over spilled wool.

I hope you feel the same way
about spilled teeth.

Oh. I'd better get outta here
before I get spiked.

(grunts)

MALE SINGERS:
♪ R‐A‐G‐G M‐O‐P‐P, M ♪

‐♪ I say M ♪
‐I cannot stand it!

The world has gone truly mad.

Those people can neither
sing nor spell!

Hey, daddy‐o, you don't
dig our new "raddi‐o,"

get off our patio.

"Fatty‐o."

He is so uncool.

(chuckling) Just get hep.

But consider
their pitching staff:

Newcombe, Erskine,
Roe, Branca.

Putty in the hands
of Stan the Man. Pitch!

MEN (on radio):
♪ I say M‐O... ♪

‐Major.
‐Huh?

Will you tell the colonel

who's gonna win the National
League pennant this year?

Oh, yes.

In springtime, a young dolt's
fancy turns to baseball,

where one can sit and munch
red‐hots and cr*cker Jacks

and watch 18 hillbillies
in knickers

run around in circles

and spit tobacco chaws
on one another.

See that? He likes
the Dodgers too.

Wouldn't care
to put your dinero

where you put your dinner,
would you?

Aw, sir,
I couldn't bet with you.

That would be like taking
candy from a colonel.

‐Shall we say $10?
‐Said and done.

Whoa!

There's no way
we're gonna be in Korea

when the baseball season
crosses the finish line.

Could the sly old fox
be trying to weasel
out of a bet?

Don't even think it.

Ain't it an old baseball adage

that the team that's in first
place on July the 4

always wins the pennant?

Okay. Who's ever ahead
on July the 4.

We'll make it $20.

And that will be my
financial Independence Day.

You're on, rube.
Now pitch me that pea.

‐(helicopters approaching)
‐Aw, no.

Let's go! We got wounded!

NURSE: Come on,
everybody, let's go!

Pam, get me his last EKG.

Hey, Beej, listen to this.

"Portable decorative
wood mantels.

Add fireplace charm and beauty
to rooms without a fireplace."

That doesn't sound
like such a hot idea.

You want a fireplace,
all you get is the place.

I read on.
"Decorative electric logs

give effect of real fire
without heat or flame."

Now you're cookin'.
You know what they say:

home is where the hearth is.

That's good.

Here are his EKG's.

‐How's his urinary output?
‐Still way below normal.

‐Renal shutdown?
‐Yeah.

We gotta get him
on that artificial kidney.

Margaret, order up a chopper
to send him to Wonju.

What are his chances
of surviving that trip?

‐With that belly wound?
‐Maybe 1 in 20,

which is one more than he'd
have if he stayed here.

‐Yeah.
‐(sighs)

Some choice. It's
the tiger or the tiger.

I'm getting tired of this.

We need an artificial
kidney machine here.

Hawk, there's a grand total
of one in Asia.

You don't get them by sending
in a Cheerios box top.

Let me ask you something.

How much do you know about
building a kidney machine?

‐Absolutely nothing.
‐Neither do I.

So how do we know
we can't make one?

Are you crazy?

When Dr. Kolff invented it,
he was at a university.

He had facilities.
He had funding.
He had a research team.

But we got something
he didn't have.

We got Dr. Kolff
to copy from.

Follow me and bring
your library card.

‐Look at this.
‐Are you two still at it?

Every time
I see you lately,

you've got your noses
in a book.

We've just completed
the one‐month crash course

at the Korean Kidney Academy.

We now know everything

there is to know
about kidneys. Just ask.

Kidney pie, kidney stew,
kidney beans...

kidney‐shaped pools.

Unfortunately, we've just
been "kidneying" ourselves.

We can't make
a kidney machine.

‐Too complicated.
‐To understand, no.

To get the parts, yes.

You mean you're right back
where you started from?

Well, not exactly.

There's this, uh,
this, uh, Dr. Barbero

over at the 8228's been
getting very good results

with his peritoneal
lavage.

No kidney machine,
but at least
it's an alternative

to what we've been doing,
which is nothing.

The only equipment
we don't already have here

is trocars and stylets.

I can get those for you
at Tokyo General

when I'm on R&R.

Listen, while you're there,
you ought to see a doctor.

Your potholder has developed
a pituitary problem.

It's a woman's prerogative
to change her potholder.

I'm making it into a scarf.

That makes perfect sense.

She'd look silly wearing
a potholder around her neck.

(hammering)

Boy, that burns me up.

A slender woman
can wear anything.

Well, Padre, I see the corn is
as high as a clergyman's eye.

Well, thank you. It's like
success in most endeavors.

It took a lot of hard work
and a little fertilizer.

May I point out there
will be no vegetables

without the fruits
of my labor.

Fine piece of work, Klinger.

It'll scare crows
and attract sailors.

Did the colonel
happen to catch

this morning's
Stars and Stripes
sports section,

under "Standings
comma National League"?

‐Or am I being too vague?
‐All right, all right.

So the bums
are up by nine games.

It's still a month
to July 4th.

Today you're scaring crows.

By then, you'll be eating them.

‐Ha!
‐July 4th.

What a wonderful idea!

We'll have a picnic

and serve my corn
on the cob.

(crowd chattering, exclaiming)

17, 18, 19, 20.

Nothing like cool cash
on a hot summer's night.

Ah. Evidently,
the assemblage from Brooklyn

has outdistanced
the St. Louis louts.

They're up by eight
and a half games.

Eight and a half games!
Isn't that sweet?

‐Ah!
‐Well, Father,

in just a few minutes,
we'll be de‐cobbing corn,

thanks to you
and your khaki thumb.

Don't I know it.

All week,
I've been dreaming

about getting butter
on my cheeks,

juice on my shirt,

and a niblet wedged
between two molars.

Oh, I wish I had
your table manners.

‐Oh, that was great.
‐Stand still.

Margaret,
wasn't this potholder
supposed to be a scarf?

It hasn't been a scarf
in weeks.

I'm knitting a sweater
for a pilot I met in Tokyo.

And I'm the mannequin
who came to dinner, huh?

‐Thanks.
‐You're welcome.

Absolutely negative.

I'm not throwin' good garbanzos
after bad on the Redbirds.

Forget St. Louis.

Don't you want another
sh*t at this cabbage?

I'll give you
the whole league

against the Dodgers,
2‐1 odds.

You still buckin'
for that Section 8?

2‐1 odds, the Dodgers against
the rest of the league?

Hey, I'll take some
of that action.

Watch out for those Giants.
That new kid Mays is on fire.

Flash in the pan.
He doesn't even know

it's two hands
for beginners.

‐Put me down for 10.
‐A sawbuck for the sawbones.

All right, all right.
You're feelin' so damn smug,

pencil me in
for half a C‐note.

Oh, wait a minute, sir.

It's been a pleasure
doin' business with you,

but I don't know
if I can cover that.

I'm talkin'
a little cabbage.

You're talkin'
a mound of coleslaw.

Klinger,
how would you like me

to cover your coleslaw
with my garbanzos?

Charles! You want
to get part of this?

You, the man who asked

how many carats there are
in a baseball diamond?

Right. Actually,
Klinger's forecasts

have proven
uncannily accurate.

I believe you said something
about, uh, half a C‐note.

IGOR:
Come and get it!

(chattering, shouting)

Where's the corn?

You're lookin' at it,
the mushy stuff.

You‐‐
You creamed it!

You‐‐You...ninny!

You're such a jughead!

I was just tryin'
to be helpful.

Next 4th of July,

you can eat it
on the cob for all I care.

(all shouting)

The numbness
is leaving my toes.

Yeah. Mine are all
wiggly again.

Boy, there's nothing
like a real fake fire.

Thanks to this,
now it's like summer in here.

Gentlemen, the snow pageant
is fatuous and unamusing.

It serves only as
a reminder that it is hot.

You know, he's right.
It doesn't work

without the plastic
marshmallows.

Major, take a look
at this sports section.

It'll give you more smiles
than the funnies.

‐(laughing)
‐(chortling)

"Dodgers pluck Redbirds,
lead 13 and a half games."

Erskine tossed
a three‐hitter.

Good old Ersk.

Oh‐ho, and the Preacher Man's
on the mound today.

Klinger, we are sitting
in the jaybird seat.

‐Catbird, sir.
‐Cat, Of course.

Well, my fireside chaps,

would you care
to pay your wager now

and avoid the September
stampede?

Uh‐uh.
You know what they say

in parachute training,
Charles.

It's not over until
the last man is out.

Would you care
to back up that old saw
with an old sawbuck?

Major, nobody's ever come back
from 13 1/2 games in August.

You're not gonna
find any takers.

Ah, perhaps the key lays
in improving the odds.

Shall we say
one will get you three?

‐No dice, Chaz.
‐Four?

Major, we stand
to win a lot of loot.

Let us not be piggish.

This is not piggish,
Klinger. This is bullish.

How do you think
we Winchesters amassed
our huge family fortune?

(chortles)
One'll get you five?

MAN (on P. A.): Attention!
Ambulance in the compound.

We've got more
of the latest hits.

Smash hits, I'm sure.

I hope you remembered
to close the flue.

Clamp, please. 6‐1?

More suction‐‐ 6‐1?

The Dodgers versus
the rest of the N. L.?

Doctor, if you can say that
and walk a straight line,

put me in for a hundred.

‐Done.
‐A hundred?

Mm‐hmm. Make a note of that,
will you, Max?

Major, our ship is coming in.
Don't rock it.

Klinger,
you've gotta give up this
petty potatoes philosophy.

We got a gold mine here.

I intend to fleece every
sheep in the neighborhood.

(chortles) Clamp.

Say, Kellye, you look
like a sporting person.

Lori, get me two more units.

‐This kid's way overdrawn
at the blood bank.
‐Yes, doctor.

‐Clamp. Hey, Beej.
‐Yeah.

With all these transfusions,

all the blood
this kid's been losing,

I'd be very surprised

if his kidneys haven't
closed down by the weekend.

Better watch him
pretty closely.

Yeah. He's in
no shape to ship.

Clamp. Now, you may not
know it, fella,

but you might be
a charter member

in our peritoneal
lavage club.

(exhales)
How are we doin'?

Same old story. Soon as
the nitrogen and potassium

are removed from his blood,

he builds up more.

It's, uh, you should
pardon the expression,

a dead heat.

We bought him
a couple of weeks.

If his kidneys are gonna
resume functioning,

‐it should be soon.
‐Yeah, but you know,

the Kolff machine
can do in a couple of hours

what it takes this rig
all day to do.

And we're not always
gonna have time to give

nonstop intensive care
to one kid for two weeks.

All we can do for now is wait.

What do you say
we go get some coffee,

‐ruin our own kidneys?
‐Yeah.

Margaret, is this sweater

for your pilot friend
or his airplane?

Ha! As far as I'm concerned,
that flyboy's been grounded.

I'm making a blanket
for my bed,

which he will never see.

You should send
to Sears for a man.

It is a male order
catalog.

‐That's it.
‐Don't be ridiculous, Hawk.

She can't order a man.

By the time he got
here, he'd be stale.

I'm serious.
And I'm also inspired.

You have just witnessed
the birth of a notion.

I'm warning you, Klinger.

I have been perusing
the sports pages.

I do not like
what I'm reading.

Not to fear, Major.

The Dodgers are still up
by eight games.

They can't possibly
blow that in a month.

Klinger, where's
that Sears catalog?

In there
with the topkick.

I cannot believe

that I allowed you
to risk my money

on a bunch of grown men

named Newk, Duke,
and Pee Wee.

Glad you're here, boys.

You can help me decide
which Zane Grey to order:

30,000 on the Hoof
or Thundering Herd.

‐Yeah.
‐Choice like that is
a real dome‐scratcher.

‐Excuse me, will you?
‐Whoa, tall stranger!

This here catalog ain't big
enough for the both of us.

I'll be out of it
by sundown.

I just want to order
an artificial kidney.

From Sears and Roebuck?

Not as crazy as it
might sound, Colonel.

What's the Kolff
machine anyway

but a bathtub
for the bloodstream?

Here we go.
"Jumbo washtub.
Holds 34 gallons.

Leakproof,
rust‐resistant."

‐Good.
‐Use your noggins, boys.

The blood goes
through the rinse

in tubes of
cellophane‐type membrane.

Where do you plan
to scare that up?

Membrane, schmembrane.
What Dr. Kolff uses

is plain old sausage casing,
boiled and rinsed.

"Saucers, Saucer Racks,
Sausage Stuffers."

"Savings Banks"?
It's not here.

They got sausage stuffers
and nothing to stuff it in?

‐Damn it.
‐You boys give up too quick.

Didn't you ever see
Gunga Din?

You've gotta toot that bugle
till you drop.

What are we
supposed to do?

Sears doesn't have
a deli section.

If you're talkin' casing,

there's a man out there
who's our sausage link.

Klinger.

Is my presence
requested, sir?

Yes. We've got a little
favor to ask of you.

What's the name of that hotdog
emporium back in Toledo?

Packo's?

Packo's. Hop on the horn.

Tell 'em we want to call in
an order to go.

♪♪♪ (classical on radio)

Is there a Dr. Pierce
in the house?

Special delivery
from Packo's hotdogs.

Hey, you got the
sausage casings, huh?

Somewhere in Toledo, there
are a whole lot of hotdogs

running around
without a thing to wear.

You know what would
go great with this

is 500 empty beer cans.

Now we get the tub,
and we're in business.

Must we always listen
to this mindless pap?

Get to the sports news.

Known these days
as the financial report.

In the City
of Brotherly Love,

the Yankees
pounded the A's 9‐3.

My mother's bridge club
could pound the A's!

Get to the senior circuit.

Taking a look
at the senior circuit,

with just two weeks
left in the season,

the amazing Giants
have narrowed

the Dodgers' lead
to four games.

Freeze, weasel!

Now, now, Major.
Let's not come unglued.

Listen,
you hairy homunculus.

Thanks to your
prognostications,

I have made extensive
financial speculations.

If I wind up in debt,
you're gonna wind up
in traction!

GAME ANNOUNCER: Dark at
second, Mueller at first,

as the tying run
comes to the plate

in the person
of Whitey Lockman.

Boy, oh, boy. Who'd have
thought back in August

that the N. L. flag
would still be in doubt,

last inning,
last play‐off game?

Newcombe stretches.

Lockman's trouble, Newk.
Bean him!

Checks the runners.

Newcombe comes in
high and tight

as Lockman hits the dirt.

This thing is enormous.
What size did you order,

medium, large,
or rub‐a‐dub‐dub?

‐(knocking)
‐What? Who is it?

KLINGER: (disguising voice)
Western Union.

Telegram for Major Winchester.

‐He's not here.
‐Oh, thank goodness.

If the Dodgers blow this game,

the major has assured me
he takes no prisoners.

Lockman laces a line drive
inside the bag to left field!

‐All right!
‐Oh, no! I'm a dead man!

...will score!
Mueller slides into third,

and Lockman pulls into second
with a stand‐up double.

Way to whomp
that tater, Whitey.

Get that bum outta there!

I think that's gonna be
all for Don Newcombe.

It's about time.
He lost it two innings ago.

And Ralph Branca makes that
long walk from the bullpen.

Branca! Thank heaven!
Game's in the bag! (spits)

As Branca warms up,

Bobby Thomson loosens up
in the on‐deck circle.

‐Go get 'em, Bobby.
‐Come on, Thomson!

KLINGER: Thomson, hell!
Come on, Branca!

Branca completes his warm‐ups.
Thomson up there swinging.

Cox tight on the bag
at third. Oh, boy.

4‐2, Dodgers. Bottom of
the ninth, one out, two on.

‐Here we go.
‐Knock it down
his throat, Bobby!

Father, is that nice?

I got 10 smackers
riding on this.

Bobby takes a strike call
on the inside corner.

k*ll the ump!

...comin' up there
with his best.

God rest his soul.

Splendid!
Two more, Ralphie baby!

The check of the runners,
set, the pitch.

‐(bat strikes ball)
‐Swung on! It's a long drive!

It's gonna be‐‐ I believe...

The Giants win the pennant!
The Giants win the pennant!

‐The Giants win the pennant!
‐KLINGER: Oh, no!

(all shouting, cheering)

The Giants win the pennant!
The Giants win the pennant!

(shouting)

The Giants win the pennant!
The Giants win the pennant!

‐Hawk.
‐Well?

Potassium level down.
MPN level also down.

‐Congratulations.
It's a kidney.
‐(both laughing)

You are a soldier
of good fortune.

Thanks to the brilliance of
a doctor who shall remain me,

you are now well enough
to ship to Wonju,

where they have
a kidney machine

that doesn't look like it
was made by Mr. Wizard.

And then you go home.

Will I be home in time
for Thanksgiving?

‐Uh...
‐Probably not.

‐But get a date
for New Year's Eve.
‐Yeah.

♪ For auld lang syne,
my dear ♪

♪ For auld lang syne ♪

♪ We'll take a cup
of kindness yet ♪

♪ For auld lang syne ♪

‐(cheering)
‐(horns tooting)

(thumping)

Hear ye, hear ye.

(chattering, laughing)

‐(chattering, laughing stop)
‐Here's to the New Year.

May she be a damn sight
better than the old one.

(voice quavering) And may we
all be home before she's over.

ALL: Amen.

(chattering, laughing resume)

POTTER: Uh, boys and girls.
Boys and girls,

I've got a little
surprise for you.

I corralled some of
last year's news highlights

from the home front.

‐(exclaiming)
‐All right!

Would somebody
douse the lights?

Colonel.

‐Oh. Fine. Ah.
‐(projector whirring)

(all exclaiming)

POTTER: The ball game,

the one we won
all the money on.

A check of the runners...

Oh. See, we just heard it.

Now we get a chance
to see it. Bobby Thomson.

MULCAHY: Go ahead, Bobby!
Do your stuff!

Swung on! It's a long drive!

It's gonna be‐‐ I believe...

The Giants win the pennant!
The Giants win the pennant!

The Giants win the pennant!

The Giants win the pennant!
And they're going crazy!

(Charles moaning)

I don't believe it!

(screaming)

And the Giants
win the pennant!

Where is that Lebanese
mongoose?

♪♪♪ (theme)