09x17 - Bless You Hawkeye

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

MAN (on P. A.):
Attention, all personnel.

This is your wake‐up call.

It is now 0130,

and we have an ambulance
in the compound.

KELLYE: Prepare some plasma.

Who says there's
no nightlife in Korea?

(chattering)

Pretty light tonight.
Just got three.

Oh, business is bad.
Isn't that good?

Let's see what you got there.

Ooh‐ee. We got the starter kit
for a fragment collection.

‐Get some plasma going.
‐All right.

Yes, doctor.

You're soaked.
What'd you get hit
by, a water b*mb?

I fell in a ditch.

Is it anything serious?
Am I gonna be okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just
have a fractured wrist
and some lacerations

and a little water on the knee

and on the other knee
and on the elbow.

Take him inside.

Bad leg wound. Hold that
pressure bandage very tight.

Tight, tight, tight!
Get him prepped.

‐Okay.
‐How does it look?

Oh, you're in luck,
Colonel.

‐Your patient didn't show up.
‐What?

We got everything
under control.

Why don't you go back
and go to sleep?

Okay, just following
doctor's orders.

Ah‐choo!

(sneezing)

Pierce, will you
kindly shut up?

Charles, Charles,
don't be hasty.

I know it's difficult for you,
but show a little compassion.

‐Hawk, you coming down
with something?
‐No, no, I'm fine.

‐You're sure?
A cold? The flu?
‐No.

Hay fever.

Beej, I don't have a cold.

It's just a little sneezing.

Oh, well, in that case,
shut up!

‐Ah‐choo!
‐ALL: God bless you.

‐You need a hankie
there, Pierce?
‐No, I'm fine.

It has been brought
to my attention

that the keys to the lab

are pulling
a Judge Crater on us.

You've got to remember
to return them.

‐Ah‐choo!
‐Uh, Padre, pass this
along to Pierce.

Certainly, Colonel.
I think Pierce could use that.

Pass it to Pierce.

No, I don't need it.
I'm fine.

He doesn't need it.

Ah‐choo!

Padre, about‐face that linen.

Pierce, when it comes to you,
both you and your nose blow.

No need to make those sniffles
community property.

I don't need it.
I don't have a cold.

Ah‐choo!

Pierce, if the sneeze fits‐‐

I'm all right. Will you
take the word of a doctor?

He doesn't have a fever.

So maybe I'm allergic
to Charles.

Stuffiness makes me sneeze.

Pierce, it could
be an allergy.

Go take a shower.

You might wash off
whatever's eating you,

and the steam can't
hurt your hooter.

You need an asafetida bag.

Asa what?

Asafetida bag.

You take a clove of garlic,
hang it around your neck,

and let the fumes
do the rest. (inhales)

It also keeps away vampires.

I'm a human being,
not a salami.

Ignore him. What you need
is some eucalyptus.

(laughs) Eucalyptus?

You must mean camphorated oil.

Arsenic will solve
your problems, Pierce.

I know it would solve mine.

Will you people keep your
business out of my nose?

(chattering)

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

Pierce, I know
it ain't your fault,

but your nose is getting
in everybody's way.

I'm taking you
out of the game.

I'm sending you
to the showers.

‐Now wait a minute.
‐You're outta here!

You'll be needing some fresh
towels. I'll get them, sir.

Mighty thoughtful
of you, lad.

I just want you to know

the only reason
I'm taking this shower

is that today happens
to be the second Tuesday
of the month.

‐♪♪♪ (vocalizing)
‐Hey, Hawk.

Didn't your mother
ever teach you to knock

before entering
a strange man's shower?

You would berate the man

who holds your cure
in the palm of his hand?

I bring camphorated oil.

Oh, just what the doctor
didn't order.

In case you haven't noticed,
I'm not sneezing.

‐Well‐‐
‐Hello, all.

Hawkeye,
Major Houlihan asked me

to give you this
essence of eucalyptus

‐for your sneezing.
‐What's the matter?

Isn't she man enough
to bring it in herself?

Will you people
leave me alone?

MARGARET: Make sure
he uses all of it!

‐He's using camphorated oil!
‐That stuff stinks!

Essence of eucalyptus
doesn't exactly
smell like roses.

In case
you haven't noticed,

and you haven't,

I'm not sneezing.

Ah, Pierce. Just stopped by
to see how goes the nose.

Oh, good,
we have a quorum.

In that case, I'd like
to make a motion

this shower be adjourned.

Pierce, you're not sneezing.

The devil, you say.

I told you
all your nose needed

was a good steam‐cleaning.

Colonel,
you're absolutely right.

Now if you people would
get outta here,

it's time
for my rinse cycle.

What'd I tell ya?
Hot showers for a cold,

cold showers for the hots.

That's a new one on me.

Anything would be better
than this stuff.

(growling)

Ahh...

Ah‐choo! Ah‐choo!

This is Corporal Brooks.

Leg wound
and shattered patella.

He had lice, so we had
to use sulfur powder.

You're lucky, son. In my day,

we used to get rubbed
down with lanolin.

Took care of the lice,

but your skivvies
kept sliding off.

Hello. Sorry I'm
late for the tour.

I left my camera
back at the hotel.

Uh, the major's filling me in
on our new arrivals.

I hope you're here
as a doctor,
not a patient.

No, I'm fine. This is
the calm after the storm.

All right, Major, who's next?

This is Private Caputo.

Fractured wrist
and prolonged exposure.

‐Came in soaking wet.
‐We're watching him
for signs of pneumonia.

An ounce of prevention,
I always say.

That's why I tell Mildred

to keep snow tires
on the Hudson year‐round.

Private Magnuson.
Shrapnel.

Oh, I see we're using
neomycin ointment on him.

He's allergic to tetracycline.

Dr. Hunnicutt thought it would
be a good idea to try it.

Pierce, let's keep an eye
on this fella.

If neomycin is as good
as its press releases,

it could be a full‐time
w*apon in our arsenal.

Right.

Margaret, thanks
for filling me in.

Next time I sleep
through an O. R. session,

I'll do it a mite easier.

Thank you, sir.

Sulfur powder, neomycin.

‐We've sure come a long way.
‐Yeah.

I remember when penicillin
was just last week's bread.

‐Adios, Pierce.
‐So long, Colonel.

‐Ah‐choo!
‐All right, Pierce.

Unless that was one
of the seven dwarfs,

I'm declaring you
off‐limits.

Oh, come on.
That wasn't a sneeze.
It was an aftershock.

Whatever it was,
I don't want you
spreading it around here.

I'm sure it's not contagious.
It's just an allergy.

Oh, you're sure, are you?

Would you care to tell me
what method you used

to arrive at that diagnosis?

I just know. I can tell.

Ah, the old surefire
"I can tell" method.

Spoken
like a true patient.

We doctors like to do things
a little more scientifically:

chest X‐ray,
a simple sed rate.

No, come on. Believe me.

No, wait, look, Colonel.
It's not necessary.

Humor an old man, Pierce.

Spent seven years
in med school.

Doctoring's been my life.
I'd hate to think I wasted it.

Well, all those tests
could take till tomorrow.

Don't worry, Pierce. Your job
will still be waiting for you
when you get back.

But until we know
that you're not contagious,
you're physician non grata.

Oh, great.

‐(humming)
‐I don't believe this.

I've been
plucked and probed,

nooked and crannied,
and for what?

So Potter could
tell me what I knew.

I'm not contagious.
I'm allergic to something.

So what are you upset about?
Now you can go back to post‐op.

No, now he thinks
I may be allergic to some
of the patients in there.

Ah‐choo!

I bet it's something in here.
Something small.

Then it's certainly
not Charles' ego.

Aha! Or Hunnicutt's feet.

Something new.

Something that's never
been in here before.

Ah‐choo!

My laundry.
I touch it, and I get sick.

‐Of course, it's clean.
‐No, I just got this
back yesterday.

They're probably using
some new kind of soap.
That's probably it.

Bye‐bye, shorts.

Ah‐choo!

Now you see what you've done?

You stopped wearing your
undies, you caught a cold.

What is that?

‐What?
‐That cologne.

I've never seen
that in here before.

I beg your pardon?

How dare you bring this
in here.

You highwayman! That was
a gift from my mother.

When did she stop shaving?

Ah‐choo!

It's gotta be in here.
Something.

Something is in‐‐
What's this?

‐Hey, what are you‐‐
‐Peg should never have
sent this to you.

‐Look at this.
Look, fuzz, fuzz.
‐Hawk, take it easy.

You know what happens
when that gets
in your nose? You sneeze.

Oh, now, no, no.
I'll put it away.

(sneezes)

Pollen. The oldest
allergy in the world.

Look at this. Why are we letting
weeds grow here?

Our last gardener
tried to mow the minefield.

Weeds make pollen.

Pollen fills the air.

Elementary.

It's clearing up.
I can feel it.

I'm getting much better.
Much better.

"Dust: Negative.
Ragweed: Negative.

Insect, boar, arthropods:
Negative."

You mean Pierce didn't
react to anything?

We even tested him
for neomycin
and sulfur powder,

which probably rules out
those patients in post‐op.

It's rather futile
merely knowing

what a patient
might not have.

Colonel, I think we should
call in an allergy specialist.

I wish we could, Margaret,

but I don't think
there's one in all of Korea.

So that leaves it up to us.

Unfortunately, we've already
tried everything we know.

(sneezes, breathing heavily)

What are you doing out of bed?

Yes, you look terrible.

B.J.:
Hawk?

I'm gonna die.

Sit down.

‐I'm gonna die. I know it.
‐Oh, Lord!

Take it easy.
You are not gonna die.

Okay, that does it.
Put him in the VIP tent

until we can put
a handle on this thing.

Come on.

Start an I. V. Of Benadryl,
adrenaline,

‐Five percent D and water.
‐Five percent D and W.

‐Yes, sir.
‐He looks much worse.

Did you see how
swollen his hands are?

His eyes looked awful.

I've never seen anything
like this before.

What do you think it is?

I don't know, Padre,

but I think we've gone as far
as we can with his body.

Time we found out
what's on his mind.

‐Hey, Sidney.
‐Hi, B. J.

‐Boy, am I glad to see you.
‐Ah.

Glad you could make it,
Sidney.

Sorry to get you up here
on such short notice.

Oh, that's okay, Colonel.

I was in the middle
of a group session

with some of my colleagues,

holding a straight flush,
queen high.

But that's all right.
I get one of those
every five or six years.

‐Hello, Sidney.
‐Hello, Father.

‐So, where is he?
‐(Hawkeye sneezes)

‐There he blows.
‐Mm‐hmm. Any change?

‐Only for the worse.
‐He's convinced
he's going to die.

You know, this is
supposed to be my room.

Forgive my appearance, Sidney.
If I'd known you were coming,

I would have put out
the good I. V.

Oh, that's okay.
I don't mind the domestic.

Ah‐choo!

Judging from the way
you look,

I must have missed
some party.

I'll leave you two alone.

I'll stop by later,
see how you are.

‐Yeah.
‐He may get a little drowsy.

‐That's Benadryl.
‐Thank you, Margaret.

Someday you'll make
a healthy man very happy.

Ah‐choo!

So I see they transferred
my case to the psycho ward.

Well, the Marines were busy,
so they called me.

How 'bout we talk
for a while?

As long as you don't ask what
I've been eating or breathing

or what soap I've been using.

Actually, I'm more concerned
with what you're feeling.

I'm swimming in cold sweat.

I'm a doctor, and I don't know
what's happening to me.

(coughs)
Sidney, I'm scared.

It's certainly
understandable.

I'm gonna die.

I wouldn't order
the hearse yet.

I have a hunch what you're
feeling is just a symptom.

Ah‐choo!

Symptom of what?

That's a good place
for us to start.

When did you begin sneezing?

The night before last.
It woke me up.

What were you
doing before that?

Sleeping. Why?

Before that.

They woke us up
with wounded.

It was early in the morning.

Tell me about the cases
you handled.

(yawns)

It was a very light night.

I just had one.
A fractured wrist.

Could have done it
with my eyes closed.

In fact,
I'm not sure I didn't.

Sounds like
a typical night in Korea.

What happened after that?

(yawns)
I‐‐ I went to bed.

Which is not
a typical night in Korea.

I think the Benadryl's
catching up with you.

Why don't we continue
this conversation

when we can both be here?

I'm sorry I couldn't have
given you much more.

Don't worry.
You did fine.

‐Sidney?
‐Yeah.

You have any idea
what this might be?

No, but I think you do.

‐Me?
‐Mm‐hmm.

And you'll tell yourself
when you're ready.

So what did they
send for you for?

Well, this is it.

Quite a lot
of personal effects.

No wonder they put
a priest in charge.

Now that you mention it,

a dishonest chaplain
could make out like a bandit.

Okay, let's see the stuff
from the three patients

who came in
the night before last.

Let's, uh, start
with Corporal Brooks.

Uh‐huh, Brooks.
Yeah, here we are.

Treated
by Major Winchester.

Sidney, why are you so
interested in these men?

It's not just these men.

I'm interested
in everything

that Hawkeye was involved
with that night.

After we're done here,

I'd like
to check the Swamp,
poke around triage.

Very well. I'll be glad
to show you around.

And tomorrow, when these
patients wake up,

I want to talk to them.

Not much here.
Where's his uniform?

We had to burn it.

We'll issue him a new one
when he leaves.

This poor fella
came in with lice.

Lice?

Is that helpful?

Search me.

Let's see, uh,
let's see Private Caputo,

treated by Dr. Pierce.

(grunts)
All right.

Caputo. Caputo.

Caputo.

Let's see. Ah.

There you go.

No uniform here, either.
Is there a lice epidemic?

No, he came in soaking wet.

He'd fallen in a ditch
of moldy water.

His clothes
were past laundering.

‐Is that what I smell? Mold.
‐Yes.

It's a pretty common allergy.

That was one of the first
things they tested him for,

but the scratch test
turned up negative.

Next, Private Magnuson.

Yeah. Oh.

You know, Sidney,
I feel so helpless.

I wish I had an inkling
of what you're looking for.

Father, when I know
what I'm looking for,

I'll have found it.

Can we take a break, Sidney?

Good idea.

I just don't think you're
gonna find any big clue

in what happened that night.

Unless you wanna hear

another spellbinding
account of how I‐‐

Ah‐choo! Shaved.

Look, if you're looking
for craziness,

why limit it to that one day?

There's craziness
all over this place.

It comes with the territory.

No, I don't think that's it.

Listen to the way
you're talking.

You're certainly not
holding in your feelings.

When it comes to the w*r,
you never do.

‐So then what is it?
‐I don't know.

But think of the problem
as a land mine

that's inside your head
for a long time.

Something happened
the other night to trip it.

We'll know what it was

when we find out
what made you set it.

Tell me about your childhood.

My childhood?
Oh, come on, Sidney.

You can do better than that.

Be good to me.
It's the first thing

they taught us
in psychiatry school.

Well, I was very young
at the time. (chuckles)

Oh, okay, all right, okay.
My childhood.

Well, I grew up
in Crabapple Cove, Maine.

A lobster in every pot

and two Methodists
in every garage.

Up the road
we had a swimming hole.

Every year
we had a white Christmas,
starting at Halloween.

Sounds like Norman Rockwell
would have been bored.

Oh, we had a tidal wave
of Americana.

You're lucky.
Where I come from,

the swimming hole was a fire
hydrant on 78th Street.

Ah‐choo!

No, we had the real thing.

Ours came totally furnished
with reeds and frogs

and the mandatory tire swing.

‐Did you go there often?
‐Oh, sure.

I wouldn't let a good pond
go to waste.

My cousin Billy and I used
to go there and fish and swim.

In the springtime, we used to
go wading up to our knees,

looking for pollywogs.

My mom used to get
really furious

'cause we'd come home
all soaking wet.

What was your cousin
Billy like?

He was the best.
I loved him.

He was the older brother
I never had.

When I was 6, I thought
he was a grownup. He was 12.

Oh, he was important to you.

Well, everybody liked Billy.
Even the grownups liked him.

He was the yo‐yo champ
of the district.

He used to steal
his father's Police Gazettes,

and, uh, we'd read them
in the garage, in the dark.

Which is why I don't know
anything about sex.

Yeah, Billy, What a guy.

Then, well,
later when I got older,

I worked at Ballinger's
Drugstore.

I used to deliver
prescriptions on my bike.

Was there anything
wrong with the job?

I wasn't too crazy
about old man Ballinger,

but I made a lot in tips.

I made enough
to buy a savings bond.

Were you ever mad at Billy?

No, I told you, I loved him.

What's with the fist?

Nothing.

Come on. What are you, kidding?

When I was 7,
Billy saved my life.

He did? How?

When I was 7 years old,

we were on a pond‐‐
on that pond

in, um, in our town,

and I‐‐ and we went
fishing together

in the middle of the pond.
We borrowed a rowboat.

And I, uh, I fell
out of the boat,

and, uh, and I caught
a lungful of water.

And I panicked, and I
sank right to the bottom,

and then Billy pulled me out.

Saved my‐‐ I‐‐I almost drowned.

You must have been terrified.

Ah‐choo!

I‐‐I was, uh...
I blacked out.

When I woke up, I smelled
like a wet burlap sack.

Thank God for Billy.

Oh, I'd be dead if Billy
hadn't helped me into the water.

He helped you into the water?

No, he helped me
out of the water.

The‐‐ He helped me
into the boat.

Either‐‐ What's
the difference?
Either way.

No, it's important.

A couple of times,
you referred to water.

Besides the swimming hole,

you mentioned something
about a tidal wave and, uh,

‐swimming in cold sweat.
‐Yeah.

So what do you think it meant

when you said Billy
helped you into the water?

I didn't mean anything.

Billy didn't help me
into the water.

Well, how'd you get
into the water?

I put my fishing rod
down on the‐‐

this blue wooden seat
in the middle of the boat.

And I stood up
to get some more bait.

And then I went
into the water.

And then‐‐ And I remember
there was laughing

right before I went in,

and then I didn't hear
anything. And then...

I couldn't hear anything.
I couldn't see anything.

There was just all this water.

And I remember,
I‐‐ I tried to scream,

and nothing came out.

And then this hand came down

and grabbed me by the collar
and yanked me out.

But how did you get
into the water?

I‐‐I stood up.

And he was kidding around.

He pushed me!

(sobbing)

Why did he do that?

I loved him!
I loved him! I‐‐

I hated him!

Why did he push me?

(breathing heavily)
I got‐‐

I got back in the boat.

He said to me,
"You're so clumsy."

"If it wasn't for me,
you'd be dead."

And I thanked him.

He pushed me in the water,

and I hated him
so much for that.

And all I could do
was thank him.

Why couldn't you say
you hated him?

‐I couldn't.
I couldn't say that.
‐Why?

I couldn't. I couldn't
even think it.

I loved him.

So you altered the event.

He didn't push you in.
He only pulled you out.

And with that little piece
of reality safely tucked away,

so was your conflict.

‐Until the day
before yesterday.
‐Uh‐huh.

What brought it back?

What brought it back?
(sighs)

Maybe Private Caputo.

He came here badly frightened,
smelling of mold,

smelling, as you said,
like a wet‐‐

Wet‐‐ Wet burlap sack.

Like a wet burlap sack.

An odor can be the most
powerful memory trigger.

You know what's funny?

Here we are in the middle
of all this sh**ting...

and I get laid out

by something that happened
to me in a pond when I was 7.

Oh, sure, it's
the little battlefields‐‐

the ponds, the bedrooms,
the schoolyards‐‐

that can leave
some of the worst scars.

Hey, Sidney,
do you hear what I hear?

‐What?
‐Nothing.

I'm not sneezing anymore.

Sounds nice.

‐♪♪♪ (jazz on jukebox)
‐And a 10. No help, Father.

8 here. Sidney,
your queens are high.

Gentlemen, Patty
and Maxene are on stage.

Laverne is waiting
in the wings.

Cost you four bits
to see her.

Well,
I'm from Missouri,

but you've shown me
enough. Fold.

I took a vow of poverty,
but not su1c1de.

Dealer says no deal.

I don't know whether you've
got that third queen or not.

Ah, I'd be crazy to bet
against a psychiatrist.

Ah‐choo!

MULCAHY: Bless you.

On second thought,

I think you may be
suppressing something.

I'll call.

Three queens.
Read 'em and weep.

You should never fall for
that old fake sneezing trick.

♪♪♪ (theme)