10x11 - The Birthday Girls

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

(jet passing overhead)

Klinger!
It's ringing,
it's ringing.

I can't make them answer.

Hey, look!
A letter from my Aunt Megla.

What a lady.
Sixty years old,

and she can still spit
into a thimble from 30 paces.

How long can it take
to put through one phone call?

I think the record
is three weeks.

Stupid idiotic morons!

Major, just a hunch,

but are you a little edgy
about something?

No!
Mind your own business.

And make somebody
answer that phone!

Whatever you say,
Your Calmness.

Hello, "I" Corps?

It worked.
What took you so long?

Well, did you ever think
of putting an extension
in the latrine?

Just a minute.
I'll check.

Who do you want?
I want the phone.

She'll be with you
in a moment.

Hello. This is Major
Margaret Houlihan.

I'd like to speak

One moment, please.

Corporal, I'm sure
you have something

you can be doing
right now.

Not really.
Then do it somewhere else!

And don't forget
you're taking me

to Kimpo Airport tomorrow
at 1600 hours.

How could I forget?
I'm living for it.

Hello. I'd like to speak
to General Heiser, please.

Yes, yes. I'll hold.

(Klinger groans)

Hello, Doug.
It's Margaret.

I'm fine.
I just got your letter.

I'm so glad you can make it
to Tokyo this weekend.

I've got it all planned.

I know a wonderful restaurant
that you're just gonna love.

And then afterwards
we're gonna go see
the Kabuki.

And it's just gonna be such
an extra special birthday
for me.

And, oh, we're gonna have
a wonderful time.

Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye.

HAWKEYE: Say, Beej.
Did you order a cow?

This farmer just wandered in
looking for a doctor.

I just happen to
have one on me.

I am Lee SeungChul.

Hi. I'm Dr. Pierce.
What's the problem?

No. It is not for me.
It's...

BOTH:
Oh.

Look at that.
Holy cow. What happened?

Bombs very close to my home.

Our family
able to get cover.

But animal not so lucky.

She is only one left.

Those wounds
are pretty deep.

That's only part
of the problem.

She's pregnant.
She give birth soon.

I am worried for
her safety and for calf.

I'm afraid their family
needs both of them very badly.

We'll do what we can,
but I mean,

we have to figure out
how to start first.

You know how to make
a cow say "Ah"?

Not without getting
emotionally involved.

I'm afraid cows are
a little out of our field.

We specialize in patients
with two legs and one stomach.

She doesn't seem to be
in immediate danger,

but we're gonna have
to get help for this.

Talk to Colonel Potter?
Yeah.

Old farmhand like him
should know what to do.

Stay in the waiting room.

Boys, I know just what to do.

Klinger, get on the horn
to "I" Corps

and see if you can track down
that veterinarian.

Wait a minute.
That's it?

I thought stuff
like this was supposed

to be second nature
to farm folk.

The only thing
that was second nature

to this farmer was
the vet's phone number.

I don't know nothin'
about birthin' no bovines.

Colonel, you wanted to see me?
Yes indeedy, Major.

The Surgeon General's office
has just given us permission

to begin using Levophed.

So you'll have to
brief your nurses
on administering it.

Fine. I'll do it first
thing Monday morning.

Uh, sorry, Major.
The drug and the instructions

are due here tomorrow
afternoon,

and your staff has gotta
be primed immediately.

But, sir,
I'm going on R & R.

You gave me
a threeday pass.
Remember?

And you've still got it.

You'll just have
to postpone it a couple days.

But that's not fair!

Margaret,
what's the difference?

In Korea,
every day is a holiday.

Congratulations, Doctors.

I've just put through
the call.

Dr. Landau will hear you now.

Good.
I'll talk to him.

Colonel!
Excuse me, Margaret.

This is bigger
than all of us.

If I could get somebody
to give the lecture for me,

could I still go tomorrow?
Fine by me.

But regs say
it's gotta be done

by someone who's
at least a major.

♪♪♪ (classical piano)

♪♪♪ (continues)

Good afternoon, Charles.
Major.

Am I disturbing you?
Not yet.

I was wondering
if I could, uh,

talk to you about
Now you are.

I'm sorry. I see
I've come at a bad time,

but if I don't,
uh, come now,

and I come later,
it'll be too late,

because later
it'll be tomorrow.

Margaret, since you seem
to have your heart set

on disturbing me,

would you at least
do it with dispatch?

Certainly.

Oh, what lovely music
that is.

So bright and cheerful.
♪♪♪ (continues)

Mozart, isn't it?
(chuckles) Mussorgsky.

Well, you're only
a hundred years off,

and both their names
do begin with an "M."

Margaret, should there,
by any chance

be a point to this conversation,
would you please get to it?

(laughing)
It's nothing.
Really. Nothing.

It's just that tomorrow
I'm supposed to deliver

a lecture to my staff
on the administering
of Levophed,

and I was wondering whether
you could do it for me.

Margaret,
correct me if I'm wrong,

but what you're
asking me to do

sounds dangerously close
to nurse's duty.

Yes. But, you see,

I was supposed to go
to Tokyo tomorrow.

Margaret, even Winchester women
do not do women's work.

Well...

that's certainly
understandable.

But it has to be done
by at least a major.

And just think of what
it would mean to my staff

to have it delivered
by a man of your caliber.

Margaret, you are perceptive,
if not sincere.

Let's examine this from
a Winchester point of view.

What's in it for me?

What do you want? Name it.
Well...

let's see.

Lately I have had a craving

to hear the Beethoven
Emperor Piano Concerto.

That's it? You'll do it?
I get that, you'll do it?

Well, of course,
it must be the incomparable
Artur Schnabel as soloist.

Of course. Schnabel.

And not the 1947 performance.

It's just tentative.

On the other hand,
the 1932 performance

with its limpid runs
Oh, come on, Charles.

Where the hell am
I gonna get that?

Now, Margaret, there should be
no problem for a person

with your understanding
of classical music.

You're absolutely right.
If I can't find that record,

I'll find that Schnabel guy,

and I'll bring him here
to play it for you personally.

♪♪♪ (continues)

Excuse me. Can a person
go back for more?

Gee. I don't know.
Nobody's ever tried.

Okay. We finally got through
to the animal doctor.

What he say?

Well, we're still
doing nothing,

but now we know it's
the right thing to do.

He says, if possible,
we should not remove

the fragments till
after the calf is born.

We'd have to use anesthesia,
and that could k*ll the calf.

Oh, dear.

Uh, do you know when
calf will be born?

According to the vet,
anytime in the next day
or two.

Next day or two?

Gentlemen, I've just had
a stroke of genius.

Please, keep us in suspense.
A calf lottery.

I'll sell a hundred chances
at a buck apiece.

Whoever guesses the time
of birth will win 50 bucks

which means I'll also win 50,
no matter when it's born.

Klinger,
it may not be genius,

but I definitely
think you've had a stroke.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Opportunity knocks,
and I am the doorman.

Oh!

KLINGER:
Okay, Scavelli.

You're down for
11.28 tomorrow.

Great time to have a calf.

Careful! You're dripping
on the signup sheet.

What about you, Davidson?
Saturday afternoon's wide open.

I realize you don't
have a buck on you,

but I'll carry you till
tomorrow.

MARGARET:
Klinger, you jerk!

MAN: What's going on?
There's a woman in here.

KLINGER: See, guys? She can't
even wait to place her bet.

You Arabian aardvark!

You're supposed
to be driving me
to the airport right now!

No, I'm not.
That's not until 1600. Oops.

Oops, your face!
You've got five seconds

to get my jeep
and get me out of here!

But, Major,
I was in the middle of
a hot business transaction.

I'm not gonna miss
my airplane over some

crazy cow contest!
Now move it!

You don't understand.

I haven't even cleared
the breakeven point.

If I don't sell
any more tickets,

I could lose
several shirts.

Can't you find
anybody else?

I don't want
anybody else.

Nobody knows these roads
as well as you do,

and anyway,
you promised me
three days ago!

Okay. Just let me sell
a few more tickets.

No! And if I miss
my airplane,

I am gonna take
a very heavy object

and make your face
look like a pizza.

One more ticket.
All right. Okay.

Okay, okay.
Okay. Here. Here.

Get my jeep.
Uhhuh. What time?

Now!
No! I mean for the lottery!

Make up a time! Now scram!
Scramming, sir.

HAWKEYE: Uh, back.
Behind.

No, uh, uh

Rumplestiltskin!
No, uh, tush, tush.

Tuchus.
Spartuchus!

Gentlemen, must we have these
mindless children's games

while I am attempting to
prepare a lecture?

Oh, sure,
you've got something to
occupy yourself with.

Uh, rear. End.
Dead End Kids!

Ah. We got nothing
to do but sit and wait.

We're on cattle call.

We could be fathers
any minute.

So go wait
in the maternity barn.

All right.
We'll knock it off,

but I gotta get this charade,
or I'll go crazy.

Let me give you
a little hint.

Try "A Tale of Two Cities."

That is the stupidest
guess I have

Mmm! Mmm!
That's it? That's

Tail!
Oh, please.

Charles, you're pretty good.
Want to take Hawkeye's place?

Hunnicutt, even
your inane child's game

would be a preferable
alternative

to preparing a lecture
on Levophed.

Taking this drug makes
one's blood pressure rise,

and reading about it
makes one's lids fall.

Charles, I would think
you would leap at the
opportunity.

Where else could you
talk for over a minute

without people
leaving the room?

Usually when you run off
at the mouth, people run off.

Sorry to break up
this powwow, boys,

but Bossie says it's time
to call the cab.

You get her up on the table.
I'll hold her hand.

Anybody know where
I can get a cigar

that says "It's a heifer"?
You coming, Winchester?

I'll bet a city fella
like you

hasn't had a chance
to see this before.

I've also never had
the opportunity to swim
in a barrelful of live squid,

but thank you for making
a boring lecture

seem like the best job
in town.

Klinger, will you
hurry up with that.

I packed less than this
when I moved here.

Hey, hey.
What's all the commotion?

Nothing serious.
We're just having a cow.

A cow? Now?
I'll be financially ruined.

If you don't step on it,
buster,

you're gonna be
physically ruined.

How long till
the blessed catastrophe?

Who knows? Maybe an hour.
Maybe all day.

Then that means
I still got a chance

to get back in time
to sell more tickets.

Let's go, Major.
I haven't got all day.

(engine starts)

MARGARET:
Can't you go any faster?

KLINGER:
Unfortunately, no.

What's that cow
got against me anyway?

Okay, so I like a good
Tbone now and then.

Hold it! Hold it!

Where does that road go?
To Kimpo.

Is it faster?

The same way
as a barrel is

to the bottom
of Niagara Falls.

If it's faster,
then take it.

Look, Major. No one wants
to get to Kimpo any quicker
than I do,

but I'm telling you,
that road is full
of rocks and potholes

If it's faster,
then take it.

Major,
I'm telling you

This is a U. S. Army jeep.
It can take anything.

Now turn right.
And that's an order.

(sighs)
Okay, Major.

Banzai!

Can you believe this?
They can make a bazooka

that'll part your hair
from two miles away,

but they still haven't
found out a way to monitor
a cow's blood pressure.

Her pulse is thready.

Must be slowing the blood
supply to her uterus.

Probably internal bleeding
from the shrapnel.
(sighs)

There's nothing else
we can do now.

I better get that vet
on the phone.

Don't look at me that way,
we're doing the best we can.

MARGARET: Klinger,
stay on the road!

KLINGER:
This is the road.

I told you
it was rocky.

These aren't rocks,
they're boulders.

Watch it!

(engine stops)

Why are you stopping?

I, uh, wanted
to keep going,

but I thought I'd stay
with the jeep.

(engine cranking)

Do something! Fix it!

Why didn't I think
of that?

Ladies, if you will,

please take your places
so we can begin.

Let's get this over with
as quickly as possible.

As you will have observed,
I am not Major Houlihan.

So much the better
for you.

Now, then,
Levophed bitartrate

is a powerful new
vasoconstrictor.

It is to be use

Lieutenant Nakahara,
what is it?

Dr. Winchester,
could you please slow down
so we can take notes.

Very well.

It is to be administered

only in cases of
severe trauma

until the blood volume
has been restored.

Nurse Kellye redux.
What now?

Uh, to go any slower
would be to stop.

Oh, that's not it,
Dr. Winchester.

I just thought
it might help us

to know a little about
the history of Levophed.

Indeed.

Yesterday,
this was at ICorps.

Today, it is here.

But let's not
dwell on the past.

Okay, I got it.

Um, hold on.
Let me see if I can
relay this information.

Hawk? Hawkeye, if you can
hear me, Dr. Landau says,

first thing to do is
stick your hand inside

and see if you can feel
the calf's head.

Uh, you're gonna feel
a little discomfort,

but you won't be
the only one.

B.J.: Go in all the way
up to your shoulder
if you have to.

Just be sure not
to break the membrane.

Well?
What's wrong with it?

Now I know how big
that last rock we hit was.

It's the same size
as the hole in the oil pan.

I don't care.
I've gotta get
to the airport.

Sorry, Major.
This jeep is D. O. A.

"Dead on its axles."

What are you doing?

Hey! Where you going?

Back to the main road.
Maybe I can catch a ride
and still make it.

Major, it'll be dark
very soon,

a condition which
makes it easy to get lost

then found by a sn*per.

Then you might step
on a mine,

which will get you
to Kimpo

in the form
of confetti.

Major, there'll be
other nights in Tokyo.

It's not worth
risking your life over.

You don't understand.

This is not what I planned
to be doing tonight.

Well, uh,
this may come as a shock,

but I'm not exactly having
the time of my life either.

Who cares how much fun
you're having?

It's not your birthday.
Your birthday?

How come you didn't
tell anybody?

Because I didn't want
anybody to know.

Why not?

Because I didn't want them
throwing me some stupid party.

Oh, yeah.
That would be rough.

All that fun
and celebrating.

Who needs it?
Celebrating.

For whose benefit?

Just another excuse
to get drunk

and rowdy for a few hours.

If it weren't my birthday,
Groundhog Day would do
just as well.

I wanted this year
to be different.

Something special
just for me.

To be with somebody I chose,
somebody I wanted to be with,

do the things
I wanted to do.

Is that too much to ask for
one stinkin' day in the year?

Look at me.

Sitting by the side of the road
in the middle of nowhere

with not so much
as even a birthday hat.

There's a newspaper
in the jeep.

I'll make you
a birthday hat.

I hate birthday hats.

Come on, cow, push.

I'm afraid she doesn't have
the strength to help you out.

Her pulse is getting weaker
by the minute.

Please, there must be
something you can do.

Believe me,
if we knew of anything
we'd try it.

Colonel. Hawk.

Dr. Landau says
the only way to save the cow

might be to dismember the calf
so she can deliver it easier.

Well, maybe, but...
there's no guarantee that

the cow would be able to
make it anyway.

This isn't just a house pet.

It's his livelihood.
You've gotta do something.

If her blood pressure
weren't so damn low,

we could do
a cesarean section.

If her blood pressure
weren't so low,

she could deliver
the calf on her own.

Too bad she isn't human.
That batch of Levophed

that came in today
would be just the ticket.

What have we got to lose?

I say we turn that cow
into a guinea pig.

"Any doubt whatsoever,

always check with
the case physician."

Well, that concludes
our little lecture

on the administration
of Levophed.

Hope you've enjoyed it
more than I have.

And in closing,
let me just say

goodbye.
(door opens)

Winchester.
Hello. Goodbye.

Uh, not so fast,
Professor.

Class might be over,

but the lab work's
just about to begin.

What does that mean?

Your students are gonna get
a firsthand demonstration

of the administration
of Levophed.

On whom?

The only pregnant lady
in camp.

(chuckles)
Colonel...

I do not make
stable calls,

and I do not treat
patients who graze.

Move it, Major,
or I'm gonna graze your jaw

with the old
Missouri soup bone.

Class adjourned.
To the compound.

(croaking, chirping)

Major?

Happy birthday.

Better hurry and make a wish
before the match goes out.

Oops. Too late.

I know it's not much,
but it's better
than nothing.

Maybe.

I don't want your sympathy,
Klinger.

That's worse than nothing.

Well, uh,

I'll just leave it here

in case you change your mind.

CHARLES: Somewhere,
a multitude of Winchesters

are doing somersaults
in their graves.

POTTER: At least you're
losing your dignity in
a worthy cause, Major.

This could be
a whole new career
for you, Charles,

pet obstetrician.

Only doctor in Boston with
a salt lick in his office.

(chuckles)
Uh, hold it, boys.

That Levophed's got her pulse
bouncing back

like Mildred's
sponge cake.

Which means junior
should be making

a grand entrance
any minute now.

Oh! Make that any second.

HAWKEYE: Oh, look!
There it comes!

B.J.:
Hey! The foot's comin' out.

Does that mean it's a breech?
No, no, no,
that's the front foot.

The head's next.
It went back in.

What'd she do?
Change her mind?

The foot went back in.
What does that mean?

It be right back out.

There it is.
There it comes.
There it is.

A nose! A nose!
Hello, nose.

Oh, look at this.
She's sucking my fingers
already.

It's not even halfway out,
and it's already sucking.

Isn't that incredible?

That's a good vital sign.
Come on.

There it is! There it is!
There it is! All the way out.

(gasping)

POTTER:
Well, hello, little lady.
Welcome to the world.

Isn't she beautiful?
Looks just like her mama.

This is indeed
a blessed event.

All we gotta do is dress
some old w*r wounds,
and we're in business.

I want to thank you
all very, very much.

Don't mention it.
I certainly won't.

Class dismissed.

(chattering)

Whoa! We have our own
little stampede here.

I got a half a bran muffin,
goin' cheap.

I got half a flask
of cheap scotch,
going fast.

Hmm.
Want to swap?

I
(chuckles)

That was a very nice gesture.
The cake, I mean.

I'm sorry for what I said.
Ah, no problem.

I guess I just didn't want
anybody feeling sorry for me.

That was a pleasure I wanted
to reserve all to myself.

Look. I know how you feel.

One time, I remember,

I was trying
to get to Akron

for the statewide
bowling tourney.

Well, all the buses were
canceled on account of snow.

So me and my cousin Adeeb

Okay. So I don't know
how you feel.

There are so many things
I was so sure

I'd have in my life by now.

And every Christmas,
every birthday,

all those milestones

just remind me
of what's still not there.

And today turned out
to be just another day

in the middle of nowhere.

You know, Klinger,
I envy you.

Are you kidding?
For what?

For one thing,
the way your face lights up

when you talk
about Toledo.

Yeah. It's a great place.

Klinger, I've been there.

What's so great about it
is that it's your hometown.

Army brats like me
don't have hometowns.

I mean, I never went
to the same school
two years in a row.

Wow! I was once
in the same grade
for two years in a row.

(laughing)

Yeah. That must have
been rough for you.

I remember how we always
used to razz new kids.

I never thought about it
from their side.

I guess we were kind of jerks.

After a while,
I'd try to make friends.

And as soon as I did,
sure enough,

we'd have to move out again.

And it always hurt.

Finally, I decided
not to let anyone

get close enough
to hurt me again.

I guess I'm still doing that.

Hey. Nobody's perfect.

I know everybody
thinks I'm...

tough, demanding,
insensitive,

cold, callous, crabby

Feel free to disagree
at any time.

Think of it this way.

Maybe you are all that stuff,

but deep down underneath,

I think maybe
there's some more stuff

that's pretty good stuff.

You know?

That's probably
the nicest thing

anyone has ever tried
to say to me.

Thanks.
Sure.

Happy birthday.

Hi.
Hi, everybody.

Well, look what
the w*r dragged in.

Margaret, what are you
doing back so early?

We never made it
to the plane.

Jeep broke down.
We had to hitch a ride back.

Well, you sure missed out
on the excitement.

Oh, no. Don't tell me.

Yep. We had ourselves
a bright, bouncing baby calf.

Ahhh.
I'm a dead man.
How many people know?

Well, there's the cow
and the rest of the camp.

What was the time
of arrival?

Just so I'll know
who to avoid.

Must have been around 10:00.

Around 10:00?

Gee, I'd love to pay off,
but there's no way I can

without an exact
official time of birth.

ALL: 10:07!

Maybe I can postdate
a check till 1960.

And the winner is...

Major Margaret Houlihan.
(laughing)

Major, I can't give you
50 bucks.

I only collected 10.

Okay. I'm a softy.
You can forget the $50.

Aw, thank you.
A million thankyous.

My thankyous thank you.

On second thought,
I'll take the 10.

Huh?

There's somebody I want
to buy a present for.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (theme)