10x15 - Pressure Points

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

I came as fast
as I could, Margaret.

I doubleparked my martini.

I'm sorry to bother you,

but the colonel's not back
from the 8063rd,

and there's a problem
with one of his patients.

His blood pressure's
80 over 60,

and his abdomen
is distended.

Well, how are you feeling,
uh, Corporal Fisher?

My stomach's k*lling me, Doc.
When did the pain start?

I'm not sure.

I was feeling fine.
Just coughin' a little.

And all of a sudden
my gut started hurting.

Corporal,
we're gonna have to do
some touchup surgery.

But you're in luck.
We got a twoforone
offer this week.

Type and cross match him.
I already have.

Good. Okay, hang a unit.
Right.

Hey, listen, Margaret.
Good catch.
Thanks.

(humming)

What's this,
a new coffee table?

Can't find his
shower shoes.

You can borrow mine.
Oh, thank you.

The halfway houses
for wayward lice? Huh.

Here they are,

hidden under a pile
of condemned underwear.

Charles, for underwear
I always use a five iron.

It's always the same,
isn't it?

You two animals just
add to the rag heap

until revulsion
overwhelms me,

and I am compelled
to restore order.

And you do a bangup
job of it, too.

It's not easy staying
one mess ahead of you.

Pierce,
you are beyond belief!

Hi, Colonel.
What's the word
from the 8063rd?

Pierce, I understand
you had to do

some mopup work
on Corporal Fisher.

Just had to play hideandseek
with a little shrapnel.

I think he's gonna be fine.

I could have sworn
I picked him clean.

Well, it wasn't
easy to spot.

It was hidden
under the liver.

I think it must have dislodged
when he started coughing

and nicked the hepatic artery.

He could have d*ed.

Hey, once in a while, we all
miss a nail in the tire.

MAN (on P. A.): Attention!

The Chinese have begun
a new offensive.

Command anticipates
heavy casualties

within the next 24 hours.
This is a recording.

Someday I'm gonna look
back on this nightmare

and think of it all
as just a bad dream.

(clears throat)
I presume those are
just gonna lay there

until I pick them up?

Or until they walk out
on their own.

Well, I have had it
up to here

and here and here!

Charles, admittedly,
it's not a great system,

but at least it's a system.

Was! Was a system!
Was a system!

I am hereby serving notice
that from this time forward

I shall cease
to be your chambermaid!

How's the stomach, Fisher?

A lot better, sir.

I'm sorry I wasn't here

when you needed me.

That's okay.

The nurses tell me
Dr. Pierce saved my life.

He's the man
I'd want to go to.

Yeah.
I'd like to thank him.

Sure.
I'll tell him to stop by.

You get some rest now.

Colonel, we have to make room
for the new wounded.

I think we should transfer
as many of these men

as possible to the 121st.

Well, let's have a looksee.
Schwartz can go.

Chandler can go.
McCormick, Washington.

And, uh, Corporal Logan
over here is doing fine.

Thanks to Dr. Pierce.

We're sending you
to the evac, Corporal.

What about Fisher?
We're buddies.

Uh, I'm afraid we're gonna
have to extend his reservation

another couple of days.

But we have the same wounds,
don't we?

Yes, you do,
but with Fisher,

we had to operate
a second time.

Yeah, right.
Okay, sir.

Ah! Just the sir
I was looking for.
What is it?

Captain Schnelker from
Tech Intelligence is here.

He's got some
priority poop.

You want me to round up
our cr*ck surgery team?

Yeah,
and I'll be there too.

Last week, in their
offensive north of the Han,

the Chinese started using
something a little different.

White phosphorous rounds.

I always look forward
to the fall

when the new line
of weapons comes out.

Now, these rounds are burning
when they hit the victim,

and they keep burning
as long as they have oxygen.

Oh, that's just terrible.
Better things

for better k*lling
through chemistry.

Anyway, since we now have to
deal with these hot tamales,

we've developed a procedure
to put the fire out.

Don't the Chinese
know these kids are
too young to smoke?

The first step is to apply
surgical jelly,

which ideally will be
done at Battalion Aid.

Ideally, they shouldn't
be using these boys

for kindling
in the first place.

Would you people
knock off the chatter?

I'm gonna be
operating on men

who've been hit by this
white phosphorous.

I'd like to know
what I'm doing!

The record will show
I haven't said a word.

I'm sorry, Colonel.

Once they come down
from Battalion Aid...

Every month there's a new
procedure we have to learn

because somebody's
come up with

an even better way to
mutilate the human body.

Tell me this, Captain.

How the hell am I supposed
to keep up with it?

I'm only the
If they can invent

better ways
to k*ll each other,

why can't they invent a way
to end this stupid w*r?

The gravy was better
than usual tonight.

You could cut it
with a fork.

Do you smell something,
Hawk?

Yeah, and not the usual
ambient stench.

Onions.

And sardines. Charles!
Hiya.

I hate the taste
of sardines,

and they taste better
than they smell.

Well, I never consult you
in matters of taste,
because you have none.

You sliced onions
with my Swiss Army Kn*fe?

Nah. A Swiss Army
officer did it.
Well, look who's here!

The mobile army head shrink!
Hello, Sidney!

Greetings. Major.
Hiya.

First time I've seen you
in your summer uniform.

Oh, this is the real me.
Sorry to hear that.

Sidney, to what do we
owe the honor?

Well, you're getting
a lot of wounded in,

and ICorps wants a report
on how you guys handle stress.

I've always wanted
to do a paper on that.

Well, you're welcome
to bunk here with us
at Chez Miserable.

Nice of you to ask.

You know, Hawkeye and me
are just regular guys,

but Stanley Kowalski here
means volumes.

Yeah. He eats sardines
a cappella.

Oh, yeah.
Care for a sardine, Sid?

No, thank you.

I've got to check in
with Klinger.

Norwegian pilchard.

He "pilchard" my Kn*fe.
Sliced onions with it.

Go ahead, doc.
Tell him how sick that is.

I'd love to analyze you all,

but I've had no training
in child psychiatry.

Ha ha ha.

MAN (on record):
♪ When the moon ♪

♪ Is burning bright ♪

(knocking)
Come in.

♪ Along the Santa Fe trail ♪

Hello, Sherman.
Sidney.

I'm glad to see you.
So glad, in fact,

I'm gonna do something
I don't do for just anybody.

Shut off
"Along the Santa Fe Trail."

(music stops)
I'm flattered.

Bump into anybody else yet?

Just Larry, Moe and Curly
over in the Swamp.

What kind of a story
did you tell 'em?

That I'm here to do
a report on stress.

They bought it.

But why the
Why the smoke screen?

Who's this topsecret patient
you want me to see?

You're looking at him.
You?

What it comes down to is...

I haven't been myself lately.

Uhhuh.

Today, a young fellow
was here from T. I. D.

briefing us on a new kind of
wound we'll be dealing with,

and I reared up
and bit his head off

right in front
of my own people.

Everybody flies off
the handle once in a while.

Well, there's more,
Sidney.

I bungled an operation.
Yes?

I left a piece of
shrapnel in a patient.

Pierce had to go back in
and bail me out.

I'm sure you would have done
the same for him.

That's the catch.
I didn't have to.

He operated on a boy with
the same wounds as mine had.

His came through
with flying colors.

But I thought meatball
surgery was fix 'em,

close 'em
and holler "next."

Not exactly a flawless system.

Sidney, I never made
that mistake before.

Hell, I know nobody's perfect.

But lately, I seem to be...

a lot less perfect
than I can accept.

I think maybe I...

Maybe you what?

Maybe I just need some sleep.

Sounded like you were
gonna say something else.

No, that was it.

I'm tired.

Besides, I feel much better
just getting this off my chest.

Thanks, Sidney.
Lucky I don't work
by the hour.

I'd go broke.

I feel sorry dragging you
all the way out here

just to listen to
an old man ramble on.

Don't worry about it.
It gave me a chance to
get out of the house.

Besides, maybe tomorrow
I can scare up a poker game.

Okay if I hang around?
Yeah.

Maybe we can
get in a few hands

before the
the wounded show up.

Great.
Good night, Sherman.

Good night, Sidney.
See you in the morning.

(snoring)

(groans)

Wake up, stinky!
(mutters)

Go away.
I believe this is yours.

It was, but I'm
quite through with it now.

You can take it.
Enjoy.

Will you two keep it down?

I don't believe it.
This is where we said
good night.

(sniffs)
What's that horrible smell?

Charles Emerson Winchester,
the slob.

Hey, that's my Kn*fe!

But it's a real
Swiss Army Kn*fe now.

The onion has eaten
holes in it.

And you still
haven't cleaned it!

How thoughtless of me.

There you go. Spotless.

Charles, you are both
obnoxious and noxious.

Freud once observed
people exhibiting
this type of behavior.

Then he quit the business.
Sorry to wake you, Sidney,

but B. J. and I just crossed
the international "enough" line.

I'd put this in my paper,

but I might have to
deliver it at a luncheon.

Charles, clean up this mess!
Right now!

Gentlemen,
I'd love to stay and chat,

but it's time for breakfast.

Oh, I'm sure
there'll be plenty.

Just check the can
where they scrape
their trays.

I say we leave it.

Right. If he can stand it,
we can stand it.

I can't stand it!

If those are eggs,
I don't want any.

Just give me a couple of
slices of that burnt toast

and an urn for the ashes.

Sorry, Colonel.

Sorry don't fill my stomach.

Morning, Colonel.
How'd you sleep?

Oh, like a baby.

Fine. I feel great.
Glad to hear that.

I guess yesterday was
just one of those days

when my engine overheated.

If you feel like kicking
this thing around anymore,

I do have to justify my
gasoline voucher for the trip.

I hate to waste your time
when there's plenty of

bona fide members of
the Crackers Battalion

who could really
use your help.

Margaret, Padre.
MULCAHY: Morning, Colonel.
Hello, Sidney.

Well, you're obviously
feeling a lot better today.

I guess I just didn't have
my bran yesterday.

Speaking of bran, Sidney,

you better get some breakfast
before they run out.

Not a bad idea.
Not a good one, either.

Colonel, the extra blood
has arrived,

and the refrigerators
are all full up.

If we don't find
a place to store it,
it's gonna go flat.

What next?

Back home at
the Kiwanis picnic,

we used to put the beer
in the creek. Try that.

I guess that's why they
pay you the colonel money.

Also, if you'll put
your Sherman T. Potter
on this release,

we can ship Corporal Fisher
out to the evac.

Fisher?
Uh, yes.

Fisher is my patient.
Who authorized his release?

Uh, don't look at me, sir.
It was Captain Pierce.

Is that so?

Morning, Colonel.
Pierce, what gives you
the authority

to greenlight my patient?

Who?
Fisher!

Oh. Well, his fever's down,
his vital signs are good.

He's healthy enough
to pack his own bags.
What's the problem?

Fisher is my patient!

Just because you
operated on him after me

doesn't give you the right
to rubberstamp his release!

You got that?

Absolutely.

Hey, what are you doing?
I just struck clean.

You're tracking dirt
all over it.

Boy, if I'd known everyone
was gonna yell at me,

I never would have come
to this w*r.

Here. Your
Sun Worshippers Monthly.

Oh, goody! You found it.
It's my favorite.

I want you to use it
as a dustpan.

Well, why not?
A dirty magazine
for a dirty job.

(clearing throat)

(whistling)

(whistling)

Excuse me, sir.
I have bad news

that I have absolutely
nothing to do with.

Yaah!

The surgeons are tearing
the Swamp from limb to limb.

Ah!

I see you boys have been busy
with your spring cleaning.

I think this mattress
would look better

on top of Winchester's desk.

Is that all you're
gonna say, sir?

No. One more thing.

Order a new pillow.

Sidney, would you
come with me?
Yeah.

Being from New York,
I guess you're not
an aficionado

of cowboy music,
huh, Sidney?

Very few of those groups
play the Copa.

♪♪♪ (country)
You've missed something.

You've been flying off
the handle at everybody else.

Why not the wrecking crew?

They were just
blowing off steam.

In a few hours,
the Wounded Express
is due in.

The longer the waiting,
the worse the wait.

But when you blow off steam,
you don't like it.

Depends on what's
boiling the water.
♪♪♪ (continues)

If there's
a good enough reason,
you can bet I'll go off.

But when I blow
without good reason,

I start getting worried.

Listen to this.
♪ Years of the past
are behind ♪

Are you worried that
you blew up at Hawkeye
back in the mess tent?

I don't know why I did that.
Pierce is okay.

Just young, that's all.

Sometimes I've got to
sit on him.

(singing along)
♪ Drifting along ♪

♪ With the tumbling
tumbleweeds ♪

♪ I know... ♪

How old are you, Sherm?

Sixtytwo.

Do you think maybe you're
not really mad at Hawkeye,

it's just that
he reminds you you're not
a young surgeon anymore?

Sidney, I called you
because you talk sense,

not psychological
mumbo jumbo.

Next you'll tell me
I hate my father,
love my mother,

and have me looking
at inkblots.

Well, I'll save you the time.
I've seen lots of inkblots.

They all look like
horses to me.

(chuckling)

Okay, no more mumbo jumbo.

Why don't you just tell me
what's been going on here

the past few days, inside?

Nothing.

♪♪♪ (continues)

Sherm, you got
a funny way about you.

You keep
bringing me in to talk,

and then you don't
say anything.

(music stops)

Sidney,

I've been in a cold sweat.

Why?

I told you my mistake.

I almost cost a boy his life.

Next thing I heard,
we were getting casualties in.

That's when something snapped.

I mean, those announcements
always tighten my gut a bit,

but... this was different.

Worse.

It was like everything
was falling down around me

and I was gonna
fall apart with it.

That's scary.

Pretty soon...

those choppers are comin' in,

and I've got to go into O. R.

and start
cuttin' into people.

I don't know if
I'll be able to hit
the bull's eye again.

You're letting me down.

Letting you down?

There's nothing new here.

Sherm, we're all worried
about getting old,

but we've got to face it.

Not like I do.
Look at you.

When your hand
starts to shake a little,
you can still go on

chasing cobwebs
out of people's attics.

But being a surgeon
is all I am.

It's the only kind of doctor
I ever wanted to be.

Since I was a boy.

Back in Hannibal,
I had an uncle. Uncle Roy.

He was a veterinarian.

Used to cart me along
when he'd make his rounds.

One time, he was operating
on a colicky horse.

Right there,
with me watching...

he laid that mare down...

and removed an enterolith
from her belly.

My uncle
showed me the beauty

the "glory," he called it

of what's inside
living creatures.

From that minute,
my dream was to be a surgeon.

And it came true.

I've lived that wideeyed
little boy's dream ever since.

But maybe now... it's over.

Over? Because of one
piece of shrapnel?

Maybe that one piece
of shrapnel

was trying to
tell me something.

Look at Joe DiMaggio.
He just hung up number 5

and is going out with his head
and batting average high.

But even if he wanted to...

hang around a while longer,
what would it matter?

A few more strikeouts, maybe.

But if I strike out,
it could cost a life.

Sidney...

I'm afraid to go in there.

Why couldn't you tell me
that's what you were afraid of?

Because I was scared...

you'd tell me I'm right.

Look, I can't tell you
whether you've lost your touch.

Someday you will.
Everybody does eventually.

But whether
that someday is today,

you're the only one
who has the answer.

But you mustn't let the fear
make the decision for you.

(helicopter approaching)

MAN (on P. A.):
Attention, all personnel.

The wounded
you have been waiting for

are here in person.

Report to the big top
immediately.

The circus
is about to begin.

Earlier than I expected.

Put him under deep.

(chatter)

Okay, boys and girls.
Let's go to work.

(chatter continues)

Believe me, it's just
like when you're
expecting casualties.

The waiting is the worst part.
The waiting's the worst part.

Well, Charles, the pressure
certainly didn't get to you.

Perhaps I did tippytoe
towards the deep end
just a bit.

Okay, Klinger, I think
it's time for the drawing.

The winner of the
Shave Major Winchester
raffle is...

Colonel Sherman Potter!
(cheering)

Okay, Charles, if you die,
remember, it wasn't in vain.

Yes, the $3.65 we raised
goes to the orphanage.

Terribly reassuring.
Don't worry, Major.

Your face is in good hands.
I'm steady as a rock.

After all, I'm a surgeon.

♪♪♪ (theme)