10x17 - Promotion Commotion

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

POTTER:
Okay, that'll hold him.

Corpsman, get this man
Right to postop, Major.

And I noticed you're low on
gauze. Here you are, Major.

Thank you.
Thank you.

HAWKEYE:
Boy, those corpsmen

are "corpsing" themselves
silly lately.

B.J.: Maybe they get
time off for good behavior.

In the springtime,
a young G. I.'s fancies

turn to thoughts
of promotion.

CHARLES: So that explains

the sudden outbreak
of civility.

Of course, we can't be
promoting any of these men

until we convene
a board of promotion.

And while we're on the subject,
whose turn do you think it is,

Pierce, Hunnicutt,
and Winchester?

Oh, no, Colonel, sorry.
Don't look at me, Colonel.

I already have
an 80houraweek job

promoting health.

I have a night job
as a wino.

It is not my lot in life

to guide the lower classes
out of the muck.

That's the spirit.

I knew I could
count on you boys

to accept my direct command.

HAWKEYE: No, thank you
very much. Not interested.

Look, it's got
to be officers.

I'd be glad
to do it, sir.

Margaret, you've
already done it twice.

Major Winchester,
as ranking officer,

you are chairman
of the board.

CHARLES: Ah.
Even in the sewer,

the cream rises
to the top.

HAWKEYE: That does it.

I'm playing this w*r
under protest.

POTTER:
As long as you play.

You look young enough

to have gotten in
for halffare.

How old are you?
18, sir.

You look even younger.

Got a real bad one here.

Sent him in from preop.
Said he couldn't wait.

I'll get it. I'm finished
here. What happened?

He works for expl*sive
Ordnance Disposal.

He was defusing a mine,
and it went off.

Kellye, get me
an airway fast.
Yes, Doctor.

That's the third ordnance man
we've gotten this month.

It's a nowin business
to sweettalk expl*sives.

Here you are, doctor.
Wait a minute.

Forget it.

Who's next?

That guy's dead, isn't he?

Just relax.

Keep that away from me.

We're just gonna
put you to sleep.

No, you don't.

I've got 10 more people
waiting out there!

I have got no time
for mollycoddling!

Now just hush
and take your medicine!

Understand?

Yes, sir.

Up, gentlemen.
I have here the records

of all enlisted personnel

who are eligible
for promotion.

Let us commence.
Charles,

who put the "gung"
in your "ho"?

While I did not ask
for this assignment,

I intend to see that only
those who are deserving

will be promoted.

Take it easy, Charles.

We can't promote anybody.

All we can do is recommend.

Then only those worthy
will be recommended.

I have seen sergeants
in this man's army

who are unfit
to be house pets.

Pierce, check these men for
required time in service,

time in grade, et cetera.

Hunnicutt, make note
of commendations

or, conversely,
letters of reprimand.

And what are you gonna do,
boss? Oil the guillotine?

No. No. I shall
create a verbal quiz.

We will test
our ambitious lessers

on their m*llitary knowledge
or lack of same.

Just a friendly
little inquisition.

Uh, one word of caution.
We must be evervigilant.

There may be persons who
attempt to sway our judgment

by plying us with favors.

Igor, those peas
look quite succulent.

I'll have some, please.
Oh, good day,
Captain Hunnicutt.

Hi, Igor.
I hope you enjoy
the Swiss steak, sir.

I made it
just the way you like,

with onions and mushrooms.

And I even
got some hot biscuits

to sop up the gravy.

That was very kind of you.

Igor, my peas?

And we got
some nice salad

with real tomatoes
and crumbly bacon.

Igor
And last but not least,

fresh peas.

Igor, I want peas!

Oh, sorry, Father.
I'm all out.

What? Oh, I know
what you're up to.

The old promotion
kisseroonie, right?

Well, just remember,
I have a few connections too.

And I won't be putting in
a good word for you.

Here, Father, I'll
share my peas with you.

Go stuff 'em!

And if I call ahead,

I can reserve a lovely
supply shed with a view.

Mm, that might be nice.
Oh, yeah.

Excuse me, sir!

What do you want, Rizzo,
in three syllables or less?

Nothin'. I don't
want nothin', sir.

Just thought I'd say hello

and make sure that you was
feelin' all right, sir.

Fine. Good. Fine.

Rizzo, your name
wouldn't happen to be

on the promotion
roster, would it?

Oh! (laughs)
Well, it might be, sir.

(laughs) I don't pay
much attention to that.

But, uh, if you'd like the use
of a jeep for the weekend

Stop.

Excuse me. One second.

I'll be back faster
than you can say

"Yes, I'd love to go out
with you tonight."

If you want to make
points with me, scram

so I can make points with
my newlyarrived friend.

Points? Enough said, sir.
Wait.

Ma'am? Ma'am?
I want you to know

that Captain Pierce
here is, uh,

is one man who knows
how to treat a lady right.

Yeah, well (laughs)
Ask any nurse in camp.

They all say

that Hawkeye Pierce is
the most gentlemanly stud

who ever tried
to score off 'em.

Thank you.
That's enough, Rizzo.

Don't mind him.
He hasn't been the same

since we had to put in
a steel plate.

I think I better be going.
Oh, no, don't go.

No, we're
I just wanted to he'p.

I don't need your he'p.

Before this gets
completely out of hand,

I'm gonna put an end to this.

Excuse me! Pardon me!

Could I have the attention

of all the enlisted
personnel, please?

It is true that I am
on the promotion board.

It is also true
that my favors

cannot be begged,
bought, or borrowed.

And I deeply resent
any attempt on, uh,

everybody's part to, uh

What is that? Is that
strawberry shortcake?

Indeed it is, sir.

The kind you're always
begging me to get.

Oh.
Real strawberries, too.

WhYouUh

Ah, yes, take it away.
No, well, I

I don't want to, you know,
offend you by refusing it.

But, it, uh...

No, take it away.
Take it away.

Yes, sir.
Sir? Sir? Sir?

I could arrange
to have the cake

brought to your tent
tonight.

No!
By a woman!

I'm sorry I read
the riot act to you before.

I usually try to act
more like a benign despot.

Oh, it was my fault.

It's just that I've never
seen a guy die before.

I've only been here
a couple of weeks.

I still haven't
stopped shaking.

Sure hope I stop soon.

I was a horse soldier
in W.W.I.

You never stop
being scared.

You just
get used to it.

Geez, I thought

I was the only guy in my
unit that was scared.

See those two guys?

Nothin' seems to faze them,

and they've been
through more jams

than a judge at a county fair.

Where do you hail from,
Jimmy?

Arkansas.

Well, we're
practically neighbors.

I'm from Hannibal, Missouri.
What's your hometown?

Little place
called Jacksonport.

You've probably
never heard of it.

The hell I haven't.

I've spent some of
the best times of my life

in your neck of the woods,

flycasting for trout
in the White River.

Is that right?

I've taken a few trout
out of there myself.

I'll bet you have.

You figure there's
anything in this world

that tastes better
than fresh rainbow trout?

Not hardly.
Do you like to fish

that little area
down below the dams?

Do I ever. And I've
come up with a fly

that has those trout
standing in line.

Oh, you tie
your own flies, huh?

Oh, sure. Don't you?

Nah, I never learned how.

Does it make a difference?

If you like fishing,
it doesn't.

If you like catching 'em,
it sure does.

(humming)

Major Winchester?
Yeah?

I gotta talk to you.

You are talking to me,
my dear man.

What you have to do now
is finish. Quickly.

My name's Hitalski.
Elmo Hitalski.

Uh, I'm eligible
for a promotion,

and I want to know
what kind of chance I got.

Hitalski. Hitalski.
Yes, I do remember your name.

Good.
No, bad.

Uh, correct me if I'm wrong.

You've been arrested
several times.

You've been involved in brawls,
destruction of property.

That was all
personality conflicts.

With a jeep?
Look, I gotta be promoted.

I need the money.

Hitalski, you've already
been disqualified.

We're not even planning
on interviewing

Major, my father's
a career man.

He keeps wondering why I
ain't made sergeant yet.

I'm telling you, I want
this promotion bad.

And I'm telling you,

an ant would have
a better chance

at an aardvark
convention.

Good night.
Hold it.

Corporal, are you aware

that you are making
physical contact

with a superior
officer?

The way I see it, I ain't got
nothing to lose, you know?

No, I don't know.

Well, if I ain't promoted,
I'm making you responsible.

And I'm gonna take
my frustrations
out on your face.

So before you pass me over,

you better think it over
real good!

(whimpers)

Hey, Danielson.
Can I ask you something?

Yeah, what?

On your medical chart
under "sex,"

what'd they put,
"afraid to"?

Will you lay off
about that?

I'm not afraid of anything.

Just to be on the safe side,

you better have 'em check you
for yellow jaundice.

Cut it out, will ya?

(coughs)

How you doing, Jimmy?

Fine, sir.
What do ya got there?

Well, if you're game,
I thought I'd give you

a crash course in
tying flies, Potter style.

Gee, that's real
nice of you, sir.

Okay. Need a hook.

Then you use this
little hand vise.

Clamp that in there.

Now, for the White River
trout,

a little grouse feather
ought to do the trick.

So we put
that down side out

on the shank of the hook

and use this thread
to tie it there.

Yeah, I see.

I'm surprised your dad
never taught you that.

Oh, I don't have a dad.
He d*ed when I was a baby.

Oh. I'm sorry, Jimmy.

It's okay. I guess you can't
miss what you never had.

How's this?
Good.

Do you have any kids, sir?

One daughter.
She's married now.

I used to take her fishing
with me until, uh,

she turned 14 and decided

boys didn't stink
and fish did.

(snickering)

Say, uh, those two fellas
in your platoon,

uh, they nice guys?

Yeah. They're okay.

They razz me sometimes.
Oh?

You see,
I got a girl back home.

And I wanna be, well,
you know, faithful to her.

I mean,
she and I never even

Uhhuh.

Well, I was dumb enough
to talk about how I feel,

and they acted like

it was the funniest thing
they ever heard of.

You see, they're always going
off with these Korean women.

They say I'm afraid to.

Maybe I am, kinda.

Is that why you don't,
uh, 'cause you're afraid?

I don't think
a man and a woman

should make love
unless they're married.

At least I think
I think that.

One thing I know for sure.

I don't like
being laughed at.

Well, look at it this way.

When it comes down to it,

about all a man has
that he can call his own

are his values.

When you sell those out,

there's nothing left.

Yeah.

I'll try to remember that.

Gee, I never talked to anybody

about this kind
of stuff before.

B.J.: Private Straminsky,

what is the proper
m*llitary course of action

in the event you're
captured by the enemy?

I know that one.

Just give them your name,
rank, and phone number.

Born to lead.
(sighs)

Thank you.

And I'm a loyal,
patriotic American

with a loyal, patriotic
American wife Zola

and a loyal, patriotic
American bouncin' baby boy

Billy Bubba not to mention

that I'm a junior
high school graduate,

and I
Ehh.

Patriotism is not the issue.

Will you please
answer the question?

Oh, yes, sir.
I'll get right to it, sir.

Just one question, sir.

What is the question?

Well, the question is, sir,
what was the question, sir?

(Hawkeye sighs)
(Charles clears throat)

The question was,
and is, what is the name

of the United States
m*llitary academy?

Oh, wwell...

Did I mention that I have
a bouncin' baby boy?

Ah, why don't we
give him a hint?

Yeah, good idea.

Uh, Rizzo, it's located
in West Point.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well...

the United States
m*llitary Academy

located in West Point.

Uh, Fort Wayne!

Thank you, Corporal.
That'll be all.

Seattle!

Corporal, what's
the proper procedure

for filing
a morning report?

Yes, sir. The proper
disposition of daily data,

as per army regulation

D252 Section R,
Paragraph 6,

is to fill it out,
file one copy,
forward the others,

and faint if they
actually get there.

WWell, how did I do?

Well, I have just one
more bit of business.

I'm gonna promote myself
to unconscious.

Gentlemen...
(clears throat)

Before we adjourn,

could we take a second look
at this man's record?

You probably don't remember
him. Corporal Hitalski.

(laughs)
The guy who put a jeep
in intensive care?

Ah, you do remember him.
So much the better.

The only board he should be
in front of is a parole board.

Admittedly, he was
a bit rambunctious

in the carefree days
of his youth,

but he's been a model soldier
lo these last... two weeks.

I beg you to reconsider.

Charles, do us both a favor.
Talk to me when I'm awake.

I got a date with an angel
of mercy. Try me later.

See, iif this man
were overlooked, uh...

I I couldn't
live with myself.

Not for long anyway.

Hey, Danielson,
you awake?

Yeah.

Sorry about the way
we've been razzin' you.

Yeah, me too.
It was dumb.

You want to play some cards?
Sure.

Poker okay with you?
Okay.

Okay.

Here we go.
Five card draw.

Very funny!

What's the matter,
Danielson?

Don't you like looking
at naked ladies?

Why don't you guys
just leave me alone?

Danielson,
you don't like women,

you don't like to drink,

you got the old man
looking after you.

You're about the sorriest
excuse for a man I ever saw.

Oh, yeah? Well,
at least I'm man enough

to volunteer for expl*sive
ordnance disposal duty.

What are you talking about?
You didn't do that.

The papers are all
filled out and approved.

I go to E. O. D.
straight from here.

I'm gonna defuse bombs.

Either of you hemen got
the guts to go with me?

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have to break up
this little gabfest.

You all need your rest.
Major.

Major.

How do I go about getting
transferred to E. O. D.?

Sure am glad you changed
your mind about tonight.

Well, I figured
it wouldn't be fair

to hold your past against you.
Ah.

As long as you realize
that I'm nobody's
onenight stand.

You know, I'm really glad
you said that.

After a while,
you get tired of these
empty, shallow liaisons.

Oh, yeah.
That's why this place
is so perfect.

We can talk. We can really
get to know one another.

Nobody'll interrupt us.

Ah, mademoiselle and monsieur
are right on time.

Igor, what are you doing?
I'm serving you dinner, sir.

Oh! (laughs)

Igor, would you
get out of here?

Of course, sir.
I've got to get the wine.

Ah. Good.

He's, uh,
goin' to get the wine.

(laughs) I wasn't
expecting all this.

Yeah. What a surprise, huh?

♪♪♪

All right, I I don't get it,
Klinger. What is this?

It's "Begin the Beguine."
But I only know the end.

Excuse me.

♪♪♪

Do you take requests?
Sure.

Go away.
I think I know that one.

Look, I'm real sorry
about all this.

Hey, the dinner's fine.
The music was a nice idea.

But this is where I get off!

Oh, boy.
Was that how you were planning
to get to know me better?

Oh, no, no.
Well, good night and goodbye.

Wait a minute. You can't go
now. There's wine coming.

Stick a cork in it!
Stick a Wait a minute.

Good evening,
ma'am and sir.

How about a romantic
moonlight spin?
Ooh!

I can't believe it.
That's it. We're through.

Wonderful.

Now maybe the men
will leave me alone

and the women won't.

Ah, gentlemen,

before we adjourn,

there is still the matter

of one Corporal Elmo Hitalski,

a most worthy
and deserving soldier.

Him again?

Admittedly, he's not perfect.

But who is?

You're the one who wanted
to turn a guy down

because he had
a Z in his name.

I had an encounter
the other night

with, uh, Mr. Hitalski.

He's a rather large gentleman,
possessing a fist

the approximate size
of Ohio.

He has assured me that,
should he not be promoted,

he will pound me
into the ground

like a croquet stake.

I implore you, help me.

Charles, there's no way.

Even if we did
recommend this guy,

it would never get
past Potter.

And if it somehow did,

ICorps would bounce it
back in our faces.

Well, then, as I see it,
I have, uh,

only two chances
for survival.

1, Hitalski's bluffing.

2, he's illiterate.

And I'm pretty sure
he's not bluffing.

How are you doin' today?

I'm okay, sir.

Had an interesting
conversation

with Major Houlihan.

She said something about
you transferring to E. O. D.

That's right. I mean,
somebody's got to do it.

You know, there's probably
been more stupidity

committed
in the name of manhood

than for any other reason.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Sure you do.

Tell me you're not doing
this fool thing

just to impress those
two jerks over there.

Why don't you
leave me alone?

Because you're acting
like a dumb kid

and it might cost you
your life.

I don't have to listen to you.
I can do what I want.

Who do you think
you are, my father?

No, I'm not your father.

But I am your doctor.

And I'm going to keep you
here a while longer.

How much longer?

Till leaving won't
endanger your health.

The list is out!
The list is out!

What list?
The promotion list,

O wise and compassionate
board members.

Ah, you made it!

Congratulations!
Great!

Call me Sarge.
Call me delirious.

That's just terrific.

But not for everyone.

Thread.

Lieutenant, you are late.
Sorry.

I got stuck
in the Officers Club.

Some guy named Hitalski
was teed off

because he didn't
get promoted.

He was tearing
the place apart.

Whew. Should I
keep Roberts on

Major Winchester,
what are you doing in bed?

Go away. Go away.
Don't tell anyone I'm here.

And it's Smith.
But you have to

Dismissed.
Oh!

(chuckles)

Well!

I knew I'd find you
sooner or later.

You let me down, Major.

God knows I tried my best.

I did. I It was just
impossible.

Well, that's too bad
for the both of us.

So pucker up, doc.
(door opens)

Sergeant Hitalski!
Congratulations!

Congratulations!

Wonderful news.
Put 'er there.

We just got the supplemental
promotion list.

Because of an error,

your name was
originally omitted,

but ICorps
sent these along

with their apologies,
Sarge.

Yeah, there you are.
Right there. You made it.

Gee, I made it.
I really did.

Gee, thanks, Major.
(mutters)

This is the best day
of my life.

Mine too.
Oh, there's one condition.

With the promotion
goes a transfer.

See, they don't
need sergeants

in any of the units
around here,

so you're going
back to the States.

The States?
Mmhmm.

When?
Oh, immediately.

Here you go. Three stripes
and you're out.

Aw, ain't they pretty?

Yeah, I know exactly
how you feel.

But you gotta go.

Your plane leaves
Kimpo in an hour.

Here. Here's your
travel orders.

There's a jeep waiting outside
for you. Don't hurt it.

There's your duffel bag all
packed. You better get moving.

Who would believe this
could ever happen to me?

Daddy's gonna be
so proud.

So long.
So long.

(door closes)

Gentlemen, I am both
relieved and amazed.

But how Hitalski could
possibly have been promoted

is beyond me.

Quiet. The man
is on the phone.

Hello, Kimpo?

I want to report a man

who's AWOL, dangerous,

and impersonating a sergeant.

Elmo Hitalski.

He just busted up
an Officers Club

and threatened to do
the same to an officer.

Oh, you won't have
any trouble finding him.

He's carrying brilliantly
forged travel papers.

And he's gonna attempt to board
the 5:00 flight to Tokyo.

My name?

Sergeant Maxwell Klinger,
MASH 4077.

(knocking)
It ain't locked.

Well, I wasn't expecting you.

Just returning
your flytying gear, sir.

Thanks.
Sure.

I'm gonna use one of them

next time I go fishing
in the White River.

I hope it brings you luck.

Sir, I

I want to apologize
for what I said last week.

You were right.
I don't want to go to E. O. D.

There's a bus leaving
for my unit later.

I'd like to get on it
if you think I'm well enough.

I think you're just fine.

But I got a lot
of growing up to do, huh?

You've just done some.

Make sure you stick
to those values.

I will.

I never got
to know my father,

but I'd like to think
he was a lot like you.

Why, that's, uh...

real nice of you
to say.

Well, it's been a pleasure
to know you, Colonel.

The feeling is mutual.
You take care.

I will. Goodbye.

Goodbye...

son.

Well, Klinger, you
deserved to make sergeant.

And I bet your folks
are proud too.

Oh, yeah.

I am now the second most
successful member

of the Klinger clan,

right behind Hassan,
The Enforcer.

You know, with all this
Hitalski business,

I never bothered to find out

who got promoted
and who didn't.

Yeah, neither did I.

Hey, Captain, lube this.

Oh, excuse me, Captain.
I'm sorry.

II guess
I missed the tray.

Well, what do you expect
from a dumb private?

♪♪♪ (theme)