03x04 - The Arrangements

[bunniefuu]

I don't care if it's windy or rainy,

there's no reason for a shake roof to fail
if it's laid right.

Except that one.

No flashing around the chimney.
That's gonna cost them.

Go around!

Now, I'm gonna push it up
to 25 miles an hour.

That's what we're allowed to do here.
You've got to really pay attention.

Fifteen minutes of news
and nothing about the Holy Father.

He's still dead, Ma.

- The shower cap hold up?
- Yes.

Piece of junk.

If you want, I'll have Gerry come over
and fix your shower.

It was fixed, but I think Ronnie the super
sneaks in and breaks it.

For all I know
he's going through my things right now.

You don't like getting
a little bit of attention?

Anita, this man does not look
the way you want him to.

I'd offer you a room,
but since Mom moved in, I don't have it.

I want to move to Manhattan.

Really? It's so far away.

It is far, and I commute almost two hours
total every day, five days a week.

- That's an extra week of work each month.
- My goodness. I never thought of that.

Pegs, the rents there, they're outrageous.

I know, but I'm already spending a fortune
between subway fare,

cab fare on late nights,

pantyhose... If I can't find a newspaper,
the cane on the seats destroys them.

And it'll be easy with that savings
and a roommate.

Jeez Louise,
you've really been thinking about this.

Ma, it's not good for it!

Why don't you move in here
and we send her to Manhattan?

You gonna be one of those girls?

I am one of those girls.

Well, Ho-Ho, I observed your wishes
for secrecy, but now is the time.

Gentlemen.

Imagine the perfect mixture of athletics,
spectacle and speed.

Jai alai.

Jai alai is like handball,
only you fling the ball

and catch the ball with this basket thing.

It's more complicated than that.
And dangerous.

I'll leave the loose-leaf, but it shows
the way jai alai attendance is growing.

In seven years, it'll eclipse baseball.

Go ahead, you can laugh,

but it's got the same fingerprint as baseball,
only better.

A special stadium called a fronton,

and you can sit real close, which is a thrill
because the ball goes 175 miles an hour.

And it's got Patxi.
He's Babe Ruth, only handsome.

This is Patxi.

I was looking for boxers,
but I bought his contract instead.

- He's the greatest player in the world.
- Mel Ferrer.

I'm terrified of him catching balls
in the face.

So, let's say there's enough money.

How would you chop it up?

Well, most of it's going
to end up in television.

Perfect, because I want a TV show.

- A sports show?
- Did you see Patxi?

You don't see him flying around the world,
solving crimes and banging broads?

Harry has excellent relationships
with the networks.

- Well, it'll probably have to be ABC.
- No, no.

I want to be on all the networks, like when
the President addresses the nation.

Tuesday night, 8:30 to 9:00,
all three networks, the same show.

- No one's ever done it.
- Because...

That's true.

How about a star-studded
big musical special with a jai alai match.

- Desi Arnaz.
- What else you got?

- Well, there's print.
- Women's magazines.

A glamorous night in Miami
with a free admission.

- Tuesday night is ladies' night.
- And, of course, newspapers are key,

but you can't limit yourself
to less than 10 markets.

This is impressive.

- Don't get up.
- Horace, this is Don Draper.

- I told you he'd be stopping by.
- Well, don't let me interrupt.

So far, for the jai alai campaign,

Sterling Cooper will produce
an adventure program

starring your handsome fellow,
a musical spectacular...

On all three networks,
and it has to be in color.

CBS doesn't have color.

Fine. I'd like to get
the ladies' magazines in color,

and maybe a color page
in the Sunday paper.

- What about radio?
- You'll have to take radio the way it is.

I don't think it's worth anyone's time
unless you're willing to commit to at least

- $1 million, to start.
- Sure, but that's a third of my ad budget.

Well, as they used to say
at the freshmen mixer,

- "When you get a yes, you go home. "
- Only, Humps, you never got one.

Listen, Draper, I'd love to buy you dinner,
run some slogans by you.

Actually, Ho-Ho, we buy you dinner.

That was fun.

I'm going to have to buy Campbell
a case of something.

Patxi.

During the Depression, I saw somebody

throw a loaf of bread
off the back of a truck.

It was more dignified.

Are you going to have trouble
sleeping tonight?

I've seen clients
far more defenseless than he.

Well, as the Bible says,
"Enjoy your fatted calf. "

Campbell, did you tell him
who this idiot's father is?

He said he's a shipping magnate,
not a client.

Horace Sr. Is connected to Bert Cooper
in a million ways,

and I don't know if he would like
what just happened in there.

You want to run it by his daddy?

He's my age.
So he was born with a lot of money.

He has a dream,
and it's our job to make it come true.

Well, there you have it.

Nicely done, my boy.

Elizabeth. Get off your feet.
It's bad for the baby.

- As soon as I finish the dishes.
- Sit with me.

Cleaning up for the maid.
You're just like your mother.

I don't like watching you commit su1c1de.
Neither do your kids.

What do you want, Daddy?

It's all laid out in here,

my arrangements.
Just follow the directions.

I don't want to talk about this.

We talk about it now and then
we don't talk about it. That's the idea.

- Fine.
- Jesus. Smoke your cigarette.

Funerals are a dishonest business.

People don't want to think about it.
That's how they get you.

Remember what happened
with your mother?

The will's translucent or transparent
or something according to the lawyers.

You run the show.

- You took me in.
- Anything else?

I want you to have your mother's coats.

I gave Judy the Hudson seal,
but I want you to have the chinchilla

and obviously the mink.

They're in the cedar closet.
They key's in Gloria's end table.

Okay, Daddy.

You don't want to hear about it,
Scarlett O'Hara?

I have the folder.

You've always been sensitive.
That's my fault for shielding you

from all the dangers out there.
That's probably why you married this joker.

If you'd even known what was possible...

But that's that. I wrote it down.
We never have to talk about it again.

I don't understand
why you like talking about this

when you can see so clearly
that it upsets me.

You're being selfish and morbid.

I'm your little girl.

And I know it must be horrible
to be looking at whatever you're looking at,

but can't you keep it to yourself?

- What kind of mood is he in?
- I'm never right.

- Anybody been outside? Do I need a coat?
- I'd take it.

Don, George Caan dropped out of Patio
to direct a picture in LA.

I look forward to his average work.
Replace him.

There's no time and there's no talent.

What were you gonna do
if you had to fire him?

- Have Sal do it.
- Are you serious?

- Sal, do you want to do it?
- Of course I do.

It sounds good,
but it makes me very nervous.

It's lifted straight from Bye Bye Birdie.
It's a single sh*t.

Sal did the storyboards. I could go on,
but I don't think I should have to.

- Allison?
- Keens chophouse.

Thank you, Don.

Tag. You're it.

Hey. You don't want
to cut towards yourself.

There we go. Get down.
I've got some great things in here.

This is an exact imitation
of the Gettysburg Address.

- You know about Honest Abe?
- He learned to read by candlelight.

That's right.

Well, I'll be.

Don, look at this.

Victory medal, France.

I should have another for b*ating the clap.

Here we are.

Wow!

That spike, it's Prussian.

Germany's greatest soldiers.
You had to respect that.

That's where I got him.

- You see that? Dried blood.
- You sh*t him?

I think so. I sh*t lots of them.
They were trying to k*ll us.

- w*r is bad.
- Maybe,

but it makes a man out of you.

Living off the land, battling the elements,
standing alongside your brothers.

- Ask your pop.
- Gene.

- What?
- Gene, don't.

- Come on.
- Bobby, give it back.

Let him have it! That's why I got it!

- Can't I have it?
- There was a person in that helmet.

- An enemy.
- Bobby, it's a dead man's hat. Take it off.

Keep it on. It's yours.

There was this girl...

You like? It was on sale at A&S.

Looks like a lot more than 20% off.

Kitty.

Kitty.

I'm working.

- Something's wrong, isn't it?
- No.

No, no, no, don't say that. Don't say that.

- I'm not myself.
- What does that mean?

Why are men so embarrassed
to share their emotions?

Please. Sal...

The past few months... Something's wrong.

- Well, that's not true.
- It is true.

You know, I don't need that much, but...

I do need tending.

- I'm so sorry.
- Well, what can I do?

You won't even tell me.

Make some excuse.

For the last six months, maybe a year, even,
I've watched my job disappear.

Nobody wants illustrations anymore.
It's all about photography.

And yes, I've been nervous.

And now I have this opportunity

to do something
that really does have a future.

So it's been building to this,
and tomorrow you will triumph

and come home a conquering hero.

- What's wrong with you?
- Well, I do have one horrible flaw.

I love you.

I don't want to fail.

Just... With a single mistake,
the entire sh*t is ruined.

So what? You've seen the movies.
Take two. Take three. Do it again. Action.

It's one sh*t, the whole thing.

- It's the beginning of Bye Bye Birdie.
- I'm trying to remember.

She starts singing
against a blue background,

and her voice is very girlish.

- Yes. Yes, I remember that.
- And she's offering us this can of Patio.

And she's on a treadmill,
but you can't see it.

- She's walking back and forth?
- No, no. She walks towards you.

The wind is blowing in her hair,

and she sings about
how Patio is low in calories.

And then she extends her hand out
and she waves goodbye.

Then we move back, too,

but she stops,
and she takes her dress in her hands

and she runs forward as fast as she can.
But then she turns her back

and looks seductively over her shoulder.

The treadmill pulls her back again
and she comes towards you one last time,

dancing right up to the camera.
She sort of pushes her shoulders together

and leans over with the can
and she smiles. "Hello, Patio. "

Something like that.

Sound good?

You're gonna do great.

- You really think so?
- Yes.

Don, I'd like you to meet Horace Cook.

- We've met. Lincoln Center.
- Of course.

Have a seat.
Lane has brought it to my attention

that Mr. Cook's son
has approached us for work.

Actually, it was Don who thought it best,
out of deference, to include you.

We're not psychiatrists.
There is no confidentiality.

That's not strictly true, but you are family
and, well, it appears to be a lot of money.

Bert seemed alarmed.
What exactly happened in this meeting?

- Well, you know, your son has a dream.
- Yes, jai alai.

When he first mentioned it
I assumed he was gambling,

but he seems convinced
of its financial potential.

And there's no reason to doubt that.

Are you drunk? It's like Polish handball.
You can't even play it if you're left-handed.

There's no wall on that side.

Well, then, that's done with.
We needn't be involved.

Bert, you know that's not the way
the marketplace works.

A man comes through your door,

he knows what he wants,
he's got the money to back it up,

- you do your best.
- Perhaps I'm unclear

because I'm childless, but they're not.

Well, should you be lucky enough
to strike gold,

remember that your children weren't there
when you were swinging the pick.

I've seen his plan. It's gibberish.

But if you refuse him,
he'll only find someone else.

My son lives in a cloud of success,

but it's my success.

Perhaps when that evaporates
and his face is pressed

against the reality of the sidewalk,
he'll be of value to someone.

"k*ll or be k*lled, eat or be eaten. "

That's how I was raised.

So you want us to proceed?

When we put that money aside for him,
he was a little boy.

We didn't know
what kind of person we were making.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Easy for you to say.
He doesn't have your name.

You'll stay for lunch. No discussion.

A pleasure to see you again.

Pleasure.

- I'll sign him tonight.
- Very good.

These are ideas.

You can skip some if you want to,
but do not go out of order.

Hello, this is Margaret.

Hello, my name is Elaine and I'm 22,

and I have a good job
and I'm interested in a roommate, too.

Well, it's nice to speak with you, Elaine.
Where do you work?

Well, I live in Teaneck, New Jersey,

so I want to be in this city
to be near my job.

- I work in a tannery on the West Side.
- Really? They make leather?

I'm a secretary,

but I am around animal skins and carcasses
most of the day,

so I don't keep pets.
The smell makes them go crazy.

I don't know if the West Side
is what I had in mind.

I need someplace near a major hospital.

My face is very badly b*rned

and I need frequent prescriptions
for unguents and salves.

- It would have to be two bedrooms.
- Two bedrooms is good.

Now, about the bathroom,

I'm going to need some help there.

Who is this?
You know something? You're a jerk.

- Why do you do that?
- I've got a salt tooth.

- It's right here in the back of my mouth.
- Grandpa.

It's getting harder to fool you.
I got two spoons.

Mommy doesn't let us
have ice cream before dinner.

Is she afraid you're going to be fat
like she was?

Your grandma Ruth used to
drive her to town to run errands

and make her walk herself home.
That put a stop to it.

- You remember Grandma Ruth?
- She gave me a ukulele.

- Did you learn it?
- No.

You can, you know. You're smart.

You remind me of your grandma
more than your mother.

You know, she did drafting
in the 20s for this engineer.

- A little bald man. He wasn't a thr*at.
- That's good.

You can really do something.
Don't let your mother tell you otherwise.

You know, she won't let me eat this either,
and I don't want to be the only one,

so I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna keep a lookout.

Okay. Go ahead. The coast is clear.

- She's coming! Quick, hide it!
- I knew you were gonna do that.

This tastes like chocolate,
but it smells like oranges. You smell that?

A year from now there'll be nothing
but rum and Mexican beer in this place.

- You ever have Mexican beer, Humps?
- I don't drink a lot of beer.

You have to when you're there.
Amoeba, dysentery.

Patxi caught a bug, lost eight pounds.
That's a lot on his frame.

Ho-Ho was saying a photo of Jack Kennedy
enjoying jai alai

would be a tremendous endorsement.

My father hates Kennedy,

'cause he knew Old Joe
when they were criminals together.

Plus, Dad's against integration.
He called Patxi a w*tback.

Jack Kennedy certainly ended up
with a better job than his father.

I know this idea sounds crazy,
but read your history.

I've got a 50% chance, at least.

My father's dead,
but I know he'd be interested.

This is his kind of investment.

I think about the way
my father made his fortune,

renting ships for troop transport
during the w*r.

He didn't care about the Germans.

And then I think,
I could really do something.

I might not be president, but I could...
I could build something.

And people will like it,
and I'm going to be the father of this sport,

and people are gonna be dying
to do business with me, even my father.

I have this image in my mind.

It's his 75th birthday,

and I give him a team.

I want to give you a piece of advice.

I've been doing this a while,
and I applaud your enthusiasm,

but I think you should take this decision
a little more seriously.

- What are you saying, Don?
- Let him... Let him talk.

You have a great fortune,
and that's not just money. That's the future.

And we will take all of your money,
I promise you,

but I think you should reevaluate
this particular obsession.

You can do better.

That's a sales technique, isn't it?

You zig away from me
and I zag back into your arms.

You know,
I've got the galleys of this book by Ogilvy.

Learned a lot about advertising.

Then why aren't you eating dinner
with Ogilvy?

'Cause Campbell talked me out of it.

Now let's get one thing straight.

If jai alai fails, it's your fault.

I'm sorry, but that's the way it is.

Don't apologize. Everybody thinks that.
Nobody says it.

Are you removing that or moving it?

Did everybody in Manhattan decide
I'm not allowed to live here?

No. Actually, I think the right girl
could have a very good effect on you.

I do, however, find your ad unfortunate.

It's perfect. I proofed it thoroughly.

"Clean, responsible, considerate.

"I have some nice furniture
and a small television. "

It reads like the stage directions
from an Ibsen play.

So what, then? You'll give me some ideas,

and I'll use them,
and you'll all have an even bigger laugh?

No, I thought I'd tell you
how to get a roommate.

This is not the way.

Fine.

Please, Joan, tell me how to do it.

- For one thing, why "Margaret"?
- It's my name and it's more adult.

But this is about two young girls
in Manhattan. This is about an adventure.

Am I wrong?

If this were me, I would say something like,

"Fun-loving girl, responsible sometimes.

"Likes to laugh. Lives to love.

"Seeks size six for city living
and general gallivanting.

"No dull moments or dull men tolerated. "
Or something like that.

Well, thank you. That's very helpful.

And don't put it up there.
Everyone here knows you.

Branch out.

Good night, Peggy.

Don. There you are.

I was just on my way over to Lane.
I've got signatures.

Horace Cook, Jr. Is all dressed
and ready for the oven.

In light of all of the trepidation,

perhaps you should deliver this
to Lane yourself.

- Are you following me?
- I spent two years at Dartmouth

hiding him from shylocks.
Let me enjoy my payday.

Mr. Hooker,
has Lane stopped by the clubhouse?

I'll go and get him.

That's called a cesta.
It's made of reeds from the Pyrenees.

The ball is called a pelota.
They just sent all this over.

So did Horace have any more ideas?

For one thing,
he wants us to call it the NJAA.

National Jai Alai Association?

He has no idea how confused
America's gonna be about that "J."

Look at this camaraderie.

Perhaps we've discovered
America's pastime after all.

Full steam ahead.

- Bravo, boys.
- How about Patxi: The Motion Picture?

God, I wish I was a part of this.

I've informed the home office.
There was a flutter of adding machines.

Well, you heard him, boys.

Don't stop until you see the whites
of his pockets.

Cosgrove.

Good God.

Bill it to the kid.

- What the hell is that?
- It's an English muffin.

The hell it is. Put it away.
You can eat at school.

I already ate my breakfast.

Well, don't keep me waiting this afternoon.

I want you dressed and ready for ballet
at 3:00 on the button.

- No dawdling.
- Okay.

I'm gonna buy fruit. What do you want?

- Peaches, please.
- Peaches give me a rash.

Your sister likes them.

Are you Peggy?
They just sent me back from reception.

- I'm Karen Ericson.
- Yes, I am. How nice to finally meet you.

You have your own office.
Wowee! At the travel agency, it takes years,

and Martha Winston's the only girl,
and she's married to the boss.

Well, it's different up here.

Everyone on the first floor
loved your humorous ad.

You seem like someone
I could really be friends with,

not like the last girl.

Well, I'm fun and I love to have fun.

She was always keeping her door shut,

and I think you should only close your door
for one reason.

What's that?

I just don't get along with women
like I do men,

but she left to get married,
so I must be some kind of good-luck charm.

- Do you have a steady?
- No, I'm still playing the field.

There are so many interesting men
out there. Except sailors.

I have a couple of rules.
One of them is I don't like sailors.

- No sailors. I agree.
- So, Peggy Olson, I have to ask,

- are you Swedish? Because I am.
- Norwegian.

Well, we won't tell my parents.

I'll make appointments and come by at 5:00.
Or do you want your girl to do it?

I finish up around 6:00.

- Well, then tomorrow?
- Most days.

Can we look on Saturday?

- But not this Saturday...
- You work on Saturday?

Not every Saturday.
And Saturday nights never.

I'm out in the city, ready for fun.

Well, okay. I'll call you, roomie.

I got you a sandwich.

- I'm gonna walk around the park.
- Well, have fun, roomie.

It's Mommy.

- Where's Grandpa Gene?
- It must've slipped his mind.

- Where is he?
- Probably at home.

I'm sure he'll be there when we get home.

Bye, bye, sugar

Hello, Patio

When the cake
is on the plate

I'm afraid
to gain the weight

But now I have
some extra room

Patio,
you make me swoon

Diet cola tastes divine

Get your own,
'cause this one's mine

It's the brand new
slender you

Now we'll have you
singing too

Bye, bye, sugar

It's great
to see you go

So bye, bye, sugar

Hello, Patio

Hello, Patio

Hello, Patio

- I can't even tell you how thorough Sal was.
- Well, I appreciate that, but this is...

I don't know.
This is not what I thought it was gonna be.

Glad I'm not alone.

Look, I don't think there's any ambiguity
about this being exactly,

and I mean exactly, what you asked for.

I know,
but there's something not right about it.

- What?
- I can't put my finger on it.

- I wish I could, but I can't.
- It's an exact copy, frame for frame.

I'll tell you what. Why don't we send a dupe
back to the office with you?

No. I'm sorry.

I wish I could explain it,
but it's just not right.

I'm gonna be magnanimous
and say it's our idea and our failure,

but it is a failure.

That is magnanimous.

- I'm sorry about that.
- Maybe next time.

It's true. It's not right.
It doesn't make any sense. It looks right,

it sounds right, smells right.
Something's not right. What is it?

It's not Ann-Margret.

Mommy, there's a policeman! Hurry!

Yes, may I help you?

- Are you related to Eugene Hofstadt?
- Yes, I am. What is it?

We regret to inform you
that he passed away.

- Oh, God.
- No! No!

I'm fine.

- What happened?
- He collapsed in line at the A&P.

I'm so sorry, ma'am.

I...

I...

Well, we need to know
what you'd like to do with his body.

Yes, of course.

- Mr. Romano's here to see you.
- Send him in.

I figured I'd bring myself to the woodshed.

It must be horrible
having a client insist on something

and then change their mind
once they've seen it.

- I hope it never happens to me.
- I was the director and I let you down.

- I'm in a meeting.
- I have Mrs. Draper on the line.

- It's urgent.
- I can go.

What's the matter?

I'm sorry, Betts.

I'm...

I'm very sorry.

Do you want me to call William?

Just stay put. I'll be right there.

- I have to go.
- Is everything okay?

There's nothing you can do.

Don't ruin the only good thing
to come of this.

You are now a commercial director.

How do I know you're not just saying that
to make me feel better?

You'll know when I hire you again.

Allison, I'm going for the day.

Okay, Ma.

Oh, my goodness. It's beautiful.

Is that all the noise that this was?
Why didn't you wait for Gerry to help?

Because he's playing cards
and Peggy gets up early.

- Say thank you, Ma.
- Thank you, sweetheart.

An Admiral. You must be doing well.

- I am.
- What's the matter, peaches?

Sit down, Ma.

What's this about?

Don't, Anita. Stay.

Ma, I'm having problems with my apartment,

and my commute is very long and...

It doesn't mean nothing
if you want to stay here with us.

Your father and I lived
with grandma and grandpa for years.

Your sister was born there.

Ma, I'm getting an apartment in Manhattan.

- Well, that makes sense.
- It really does.

Yeah, I guess I'm the kind of mother

who'd rather have a new TV
than a daughter.

I got you a new TV
because you needed one.

You got me a new TV
'cause you think I was born yesterday.

You belong in the city.

Do you see this, Anita?
This is what they do. Family is cheap.

Well, take it back, okay?

Because it's just going to remind me
of how stupid you think I am.

Ma! You knew she'd have
to move there eventually.

Now, someday both of you
are going to feel this,

this... This broken heart I'm carrying.

You'll get r*ped, you know that?

It's just as dangerous as here,
and I'm going to have a roommate.

She's a nice girl. Her name
is Karen Ericson. She's Norwegian.

- There's a man, isn't there?
- No.

Why would I ever believe anything you say?

Stop it, Ma. You're being cruel.

Good night, Ma.

- That wasn't so bad.
- Really?

She's been through a lot of change lately.

The Holy Father dying,
that was very hard on her.

It has become one country

because all of us
and all the people who came here

had an equal chance
to develop their talents.

We cannot say to 10% of the population
that you can't have that right,

that your children can't have the chance
to develop whatever talent...

Eugene Hofstadt, number two.

Eugene Hofstadt, number two.

What does that mean?

There were two Eugene Hofstadts
at his bank,

so he had to be called Eugene Hofstadt,
number two.

Well, he's with Ruth now.

I hope so.

Once he asked,

"What's gonna happen when I get to heaven
and I have two wives?"

Knowing Gloria,
I don't think that's gonna be a problem.

Betts, don't eat that.
It was in his car all day.

I don't care.

- Why are you laughing?
- Sally, sweetheart...

- We weren't laughing, honey.
- I heard you. I heard you laughing.

How can you be sitting there
like nothing's happening?

Like he's not gone?
He was here, now he's not here.

He's gone forever
and nobody even knows that.

Stop it.

- You're being hysterical. Calm down.
- He's dead!

He's dead and he's never coming back!
And nobody cares

- that he's really, really, really gone!
- Sally, go watch TV!

The United States army convoy
was delayed by soviet border guards,

when the convoy commander
rejected commands that his troops

leave their vehicles for a head count.

The Russians finally allowed
the convoy to pass. Robert?

Dumbstruck police
and horrified crowds gathered

as an elderly Buddhist monk
set fire to himself today,

resulting in his death.
The bizarre act was a protest

against the mostly Catholic government
of Ngo Dinh Diem of South Vietnam

and their supposed campaign
of discrimination.

The New York Stock Exchange today
saw slight gains in moderate trading

as the Dow Jones Industrial Average
rose nearly two points.

And now here's Stan Baker
for Winston cigarettes.