02x05 - Rainbow

[bunniefuu]

["SWINGING ON A RAINBOW" PLAYING]

[BANGS ON DOOR]

Good afternoon.

Sorry, I was waiting for you to
ask if... if I needed anything.

So, this is my mom and
dad's favorite restaurant

and Friday's their th
wedding anniversary, Jade.

How do you know my name?

Oh, I don't. That's what the
th wedding anniversary is:

Jade.

Oh, weird. What time, then?

Oh, : , three people and really wanna

make sure we get the window table.

[STELLING] You've got
all the divisions...

I have to talk to Derrick.

... former England international...

Oh.

... Chris Kamara.

[KAMARA] It was an
unbelievable performance.

Do you mind just turning
that up? Thank you.

[KAMARA] I couldn't believe it!

Looking into the championship now,

Roy, your old mob in
Richmond, uh, struggling.

There are a lot of theories
as to why that might be.

One that's gaining traction
is a lack of leadership

from your successor as
captain, Isaac McAdoo.

Isaac's a good lad. He'll find his way.

You know, under Ted
Lasso, Richmond, well,

they're like a woman behind
the wheel: completely lost!

George! Didn't you lose
your license drink driving?

That was an allergic reaction
to my medication.

The same medication that
made you piss your pants?

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

[CHUCKLES]

[STELLING CONTINUES]
Nothing coming up...

So, did... Did the...

Hey. Hi.

- Good news.
- Oh!

We can set aside the table
in the corner for you.

Wonderful. Um, I just...

I would really like the window table,

you know, just to impress my dad.

I'm sorry. I can't guarantee a
reservation for the window table.

I know Roy Kent, if that's...

Is he your dad?

No.

Well, please let us know if Mr. Kent
ever wants the window table.

W... Okay. Thank you.

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

[PLAYERS SHOUTING]

[MAN SHOUTS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[SHOUTING]

Jan Maas, that's sh*t defending.

Yes, that goal was entirely my fault.

I don't wanna hear it. We need
to get our sh*t together!

Hey, hit pause for me,
will you? Hey, fellas.

- [BLOWS]
- No, I gave you an indoor whistle.

Listen, I don't care what our record is,

but I hear the chatter, people saying
there's something wrong with us.

Not the way I see it, okay?

And here's why:

I believe in communism.

[PLAYERS MURMURING]

Rom-communism, that is.

- [PLAYERS MURMURING]
- What is rom-communism?

Well, Bumbercatch, it is a
worldview that reminds us

that romantic comedies with folks
like Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan or, uh,

Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant
or... Who am I missing, Coach?

- Drew Barrymore?
- Mm-hmm.

- Matthew McConaughey, obviously.
- All right, all right. Yeah.

- The three Kates.
- Yeah, Beckinsale, Hudson, Winslet.

- You forgot Blanchett.
- Different spelling.

I enjoy Renée Zellweger and
all the Bridget Jones movies.

- Mmm.
- I mean, her accent is pitch perfect

and her gift of physical comedy
is grossly underrated.

- Word!
- Hell yeah!

- [TED] Absolutely!
- I saw Judy...

All right, you've gotta
give it up for Zellweger.

Look, point is, fellas, if
all those attractive people

with their amazing apartments
and interesting jobs,

usually in some creative field,

can go through some lighthearted
struggles and still end up happy,

then so can we.

Jennifer Lopez!

That's a great call, Dani,
and not at all a b*at too late.

Gentlemen, believing in rom-communism

is all about believing that everything's
gonna work out in the end.

Now these next few
months might be tricky,

but that's just 'cause we're
going through our dark forest.

Fairy tales do not start, nor do
they end in the dark forest.

That son of a g*n always shows up
smack-dab in the middle of a story.

But it will all work out.

Now, it may not work out

how you think it will
or how you hope it does,

but believe me, it will all work out.

Exactly as it's supposed to.

Our job is to have zero
expectations and just let go.

Now, you heard him!

We need to stop playing like sh*t!

Yeah, not exactly what I said,
but I appreciate you, Isaac.

Okay, let's watch the second
half. Come on, Coach.

[NATHAN BLOWS]

Hey, anyone know what's
going on with Isaac?

I got no idea. No.

- Maybe it's piles.
- Ah.

I've accepted "aubergine"
and "snogging",

but "piles" I will not abide.

Wait a second, we play
Sheffield Wednesday?

- Saturday.
- Oh, we're playing Sheffield Saturday?

Sheffield Wednesday, Saturday.

We gotta play 'em twice
in the same week?

[INHALES DEEPLY] The club is
called Sheffield Wednesday.

We play them on Saturday.

They're called Sheffield
Wednesday because

they used to only play on Wednesdays.

But nowadays they play on
whatever day they feel like,

including, but not
limited to, Saturdays,

which, again, is the day
we will be playing them.

This Saturday? I can't. I got plans.

- I'm leaving.
- Oh, come on.

- [KNOCKS]
- Hey, Doc.

Good afternoon. Coach
Lasso, is Isaac okay?

No, ma'am, he is not.

Nah, he's a wigwam in a tepee right now.

What does that mean?

- He's too tense.
- [BOTH] Boom!

He's wound tighter
than my nan's hairnet.

That only makes sense
if you know my nan,

but when she wears a hairnet

it looks like puppies are
trying to escape from it.

Mmm.

I am not crazy.

- Do you want me to talk to Isaac?
- No. That's okay. We got it.

I know exactly what Isaac
needs. Thank you, though.

Okay.

- What does Isaac need?
- Oh, I have no idea.

No, usually in this situation

I'd have a player talk to the team
captain before I intervened.

- But Isaac's our captain.
- Exactly.

And I can't very well ask
Isaac to pull himself aside.

'Cause that would be dangerously
close to messing with the, what's it?

- The dark arts?
- No, no.

Space-time continuum?

That's it, yeah.

- Oh.
- Fact is, Isaac is a big dog, you know?

So he's only going to respond
to a big dog himself.

[DEEP EXHALE]

I'll do it.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, you're being serious?

You didn't laugh.

- You knew he was being serious?
- Yeah, man.

sh**t. Busted.

Um, I'm sorry about that, Nate.

But I do appreciate the offer, you know?

I think we gotta get him a real big dog.

Yeah, no, goo... Me too.

- Yeah. Yeah. Thanks.
- Yeah.

Okay. Let's see here.

I'm okay with "fanny".

[SOFTLY] One, two, three...

- [PHONE BUZZES]
- [REBECCA CHUCKLES]

Hmm.

Did you just giggle?

I don't know. Did I?

Maybe.

And now you're doubling
down as Shy Rebecca,

who is a fictional character.

She does not actually
exist, so something's up.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [PLAYERS CHATTERING]

Hey, boys!

Come get your free
Nespresso coffee machines

because I'm amazing at my job!

People who are amazing at their
job don't have to point it out.

Actually, that's not
how it works anymore.

It's all about promoting your own brand.

Oi! Please don't forget to post when
you make yourselves an Americano.

I'll put something on
my Insta straightaway.

Thanks, Colin. Oh, wait!

Do you think you can make this one
post not about Welsh independence?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Thank you.

So can I, like, give this back
to you and you give me cash?

- Is that a thing, or...
- No.

- Oh, yeah. Ok... Okay.
- [PHONE CHIMES]

[GASPS]

All right, what the f*ck?

Sorry. It's just this mystery man
that I've been talking to on Bantr

has just quoted Rilke.

"Our deepest fears are like dragons
guarding our deepest treasures".

Oh, that is so hot.

Maybe you're writing
letters to a hung poet.

Is that a joke from Sex and The City?

No, but thank you.

I love that you're so excited.

That's so Bantr, a place where
minds can come to undress.

That's really good. I'm gonna use that.

I mean, don't get me wrong,

I'm still chatting to these other guys

on the other dating app, Tumescent.

Yeah, and what was that discourse like?

Less revealing, but more revealing.

Jesus, where's the rest of it?

Christ.

I mean, shouldn't romance
have a little mystery to it?

Sure, it depends on what you want.

- Hmm.
- See?

It all comes back to
branding, even with love.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Oh, Dani! Enjoy your free coffee.

Oh, I don't drink coffee. My mother
says I was born caffeinated.

Is it okay if I give it to my neighbor?

She also doesn't drink
coffee but her son does.

And she's trying to encourage
more visits from him.

Sure!

- [CHUCKLES] ¡Excelente!
- Oh, yeah! [CHUCKLES]

- Oh, wow. Look at this.
- Sorry, Nate.

They're actually just for the players.

Oh. Oh, good.

Oh, I hate free coffee anyway,
always tastes so, um...

Yeah. Fine.

[HIGGINS] Hello, Rebecca.

[GASPS] Ah! Hello, Higgins.

What can I help you with?

- Payroll.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Um, we have an inquiry from AFC Wrexham.

Just got a call from their new owners,

showbiz magnates Rob McElhenney
and Ryan Reynolds.

I can't tell if them buying
the club is a joke or not,

so I haven't replied to them yet.

Right. Did you just see
what was on my screen?

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- [SIGHS]

I have five boys.

I never look over anyone's shoulders
to see what's on their screens.

I used to.

- ["SHE'S A RAINBOW" PLAYING ON CELL PHONE]
- Oh, apologies!

- That's my wife.
- Hmm.

Uh, I'll ring her back
later. Keeps it fresh.

Hmm.

But I'll just text her real
quick to let her know that.

So your ringtone for your wife

is "She's a Rainbow"
by the Rolling Stones?

- Yeah.
- That's awfully affectionate.

Yeah, well, it's our song.

It was playing the moment we met.

And, uh, it's not an exaggeration.
She really is my rainbow.

It is so odd to imagine you young.

Yeah, I get that a lot.

I was the only kid in primary
school with sciatica.

I had a gelatinous L and five.

Mmm.

Leslie, do you mind me asking,

when you first met your wife,

how did you put yourself across?

You know, what was your brand?

"Brand"?

Well, you know, the night I met my wife,

I was attempting to be a brooding
punk with hair spiked out to here.

And then, uh, "She's a Rainbow" came on

and I started playing upright air bass

but I had a pint in my hand and

ended up pouring beer all over my head.

Oh!

Everyone in the bar laughed,

except one person who handed
me a damp, disgusting bar towel.

And I've been married
to her for years.

I suppose... the best brand
is just being yourself.

[HIGGINS HUMS]

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

[SIGHS] It's fine.

[SWALLOWS]

- Nate?
- Yeah?

Do you need something?

No, me? No, me? No,
thank you. No, but...

Actually, there is possibly one thing
you might be able to help with.

Yeah, come sit down.

Oh, thank you.

- Hmm. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Can you make me famous?

No! Nate, you don't wanna be famous.

I don't?

No! There'll be photographers
all up your bum.

Oh. Yuck.

Yeah, and tabloids going
through your rubbish.

I don't want that.

- Groupies everywhere?
- That's not horrible.

Nate.

Come on. You are who you
are because of who you are.

Your intelligence and your talent.

You don't wanna go
messing around with fame.

[SIGHS] I don't know,

being famous seems to have
some perks though, right?

Famous people get sent
so much free sh*t.

Lot of the time they don't
figure out what they want.

I know what I want. A window
table at a restaurant.

Is that it?

Well, that plus maybe
some of those groupies

you mentioned earlier, but...

[CHUCKLES]

No, obviously not. That's,
um, that's degrading.

I didn't mean to... Sorry.

Come with me.

- Huh?
- Come on!

Nathan needs a table at a restaurant.

Whoo, excellent.

Alain Ducasse at The Dorchester?

Ooh, L'Atelier Robuchon.

Chiltern Firehouse!

No, er... Um, it's, uh, A Taste
of Athens in T-Tooting.

Did he just say, "Tooting"?

Tooting. It's his
parents' favorite place.

Well, it's the place that my dad
complains about the least.

Wait, you can't get a table at
something called "A Taste of Athens"

in Tooting?

No, it's impossible.

All right. Well, there's a
simple solution to that.

I'll just buy the restaurant.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, you know the saying?

"You buy a man a table, he eats once.

You teach a man how to get a table

and he eats at that restaurant
until it becomes a Starbucks".

Oh, this is silly!
Nathan, just be assertive.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Brilliant. Spectacular.

Lovely. Wonderful. It's wonderful.

[CHUCKLES] Perfect.

- Sorry, we just... No.
- Mmm.

Oh, my God.

We've got work to do.

Mm-hmm.

I told you, either you
take down my photo

or you start giving me free kebabs.

. , mate.

Fair enough.

No way!

Fancy running into you here,

after asking Keeley where you were and
scootin' my boot right over, that is.

She told me to expect

a mustachioed surprise
that would anger me.

I thought it was gonna be Wario
or my great-aunt Natalie.

I don't know what makes
your aunt Natalie so great,

but I appreciate your effusiveness,
despite her appearance.

[GROWLS]

I'll have what he's having.

Why are you bothering
me at my kebab place?

- This is like my church.
- Oh?

Who knew transubstantiation could
happen with a pita? [CHUCKLES]

What do you think about
joining the coaching staff?

f*ck off.

Mmm, that's a solid negotiation
tactic right there.

I don't wanna coach.

I like what I'm doing,
and I'm good at it.

People tweet about me,
with JIFs and everything.

I know some folks pronounce
it "GIFs", but I hear you.

Look, if you enjoy doing
the whole pundit thing,

then you should do it
for the rest of your life.

Why won't you let me be happy?

- Here you go, mate.
- Thank you.

- You two are father and son, right?
- What? No.

Mm-mmm. I'm his former coach.

[WAITER] Ah, it's all the same thing.

You two remind me of me and
my old man when I told him

I was leaving medical school
a week before graduation.

Ooh, I bet that's a story.

Would have made a great doctor too.

I was really good at it.

Bedside manner, reading
charts, cutting up sh*t.

But it's just not what
I was meant to do.

What? I love making a doner kebab.

Anyway, how's that kebab, my friend?

Well, to quote Drizzy,
it's the best I ever had.

- Good, right? Cool.
- Mm-hmm.

Look, Roy, all kibbles and bits aside,

I'm really just here to ask you
for a favor for an old friend.

One Mr. Isaac McAdoo.

Hmm. He's all up in his head, isn't he?

Yes, he is. And I need him to
check out of there by Saturday.

You got any ideas?

Let me finish my kebab and pray on it.

Right there.

For the collection plate.

Later, skater.

Well, this place is ruined now.

Hello, sir. Can I help you?

Uh, yes. Um, Nathan
Shelley, party of three.

Let's see, Mr. Shelby.

Yes, Shelby. Sorry, I
should have said Shelby.

[IMITATES BUZZER] No.
That is not your name.

- It's pretty close.
- No, no!

Start again, from the top.

[CLEARS THROAT] May I help you?

Yes, Shelley, party of three.

Ah, yes! Mr. Shelfy.

It's Shelley, and you know
it, you dithering kestrel!

- Jesus.
- No.

Too much.

You don't need to be loud, Nathan.
You just need to be commanding.

With all due respect, it's
different for me, Miss Welton.

You command every room you walk into.

Oh... Hardly.

Have you ever been in a room
full of football club chairmen?

No.

Every time I walk into
one of those meetings,

they look at me like some
schoolgirl with pigtails.

- Oh, you'd look well fit with pigtails.
- I do.

But I have a secret:

I make myself big.

Before I go into the room,

I find somewhere private,
I stand up on my tiptoes,

put my arms in the air and
make myself as big as possible

to feel my own power.

[SIGHS] Like this.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[GROWLING]

[GROWLING CONTINUES]

- [GROWLING STOPS]
- f*ck, you're amazing.

Let's inv*de France.

It's a bit silly, but it works
for me. Find your own thing.

But don't back down, Nathan.

You deserve whatever you want.

Yeah.

What the hell are we gonna
do with Roy anyway?

Same thing you do when you cross
an elephant with a rhinoceros,

hell if I know.

Look, Roy just told me to bring
you to this address, ready to play.

I didn't press him for any
details. You know how he gets.

- [SCOFFS] f*cking crabby, ain't he?
- Heck yeah.

Ain't no side-eye like
a Roy Kent side-eye.

It's like he's - hangry.

Mm-hmm, .

on leap years, baby.

Seriously, do you know
where you're going?

Well, no. This is it.

Here, I'll just text him.
Let him know we're here.

- [CELL PHONE BEEPS]
- [PHONE CHIMES]

[BOTH YELL]

- Yeah, Roy?
- McAdoo.

What we doing here? What...

[CLEARS THROAT] Whoo.

See that block of flats?

- What? The sh*t one?
- That's where I grew up.

Oh.

This...

This is where I lived.

Where I learned football.

Every f*cking day.

And during my career, when I
was going through a bad patch,

I'd come back here and play.

Oi!

This is Isaac.

These are all the other
fucks. You're with them.

You what? You expect
me to play with them?

I'm a professional, mate.
I'll f*cking k*ll 'em.

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

We'll see.

- What about me? What do I get to do?
- Nothing.

Aw, come on. Can I keep score?

Fine.

All right, I'm gonna use my fingers.

It's zero-zero!

- Nil-nil.
- It is nil-nil.

[SIGHS]

Hello. [CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, Shelley, party of three.

Let's see, Shelley.

No! My name...

Sorry, uh, yes, that's correct.

In fact, that's all our names. That's
my dad there and my mum as well.

Yeah, we're all Shelleys.

- A gaggle of Shelleys.
- Stop blabbing up the young lady.

- Your mother's hungry.
- Stop it, Lloyd.

Forgive your father, my darling.

- He's been wanting this saganaki all week.
- Ah.

Mmm, as you may remember, it's
their th wedding anniversary. Jade.

Of course.

Right this way.

Um...

Sorry, uh, if you remember,
I requested the window table?

Sorry, we don't take reservations
for the window table.

Excuse me one moment.

S... Uh...

[PANTING]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

You are Nathan f*cking Shelley.

[SPITS]

Be right back.

Don't get too comfortable.

Jade, this is a special
night for my parents,

and the window table is open.

So, here is what I would
love to see happen.

You're gonna give us that table,

and then my family and I
are gonna order a starter,

main course, little dessert,
a bottle of wine.

And you are going to be stunned
by how quickly a gaggle of Shelleys

can get through a three-course
meal and get out of here.

So what do you say?

Okay.

[WHISTLES]

Mum, Dad. [WHISTLES]

Perhaps you'd like to give
me your number as well?

No, that's okay.

Sorry, I'm picky.

Mmm. Me too. I...

I'm not a dog.

[NATHAN] Thank you.

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

Hey, Roy! Sure you don't wanna play?

You on one leg is better
than this fool on two.

Well...

[YELLS, GROANS]

- Ooh.
- [PLAYER] Take that, you little bitch.

Easy, mate. I think you hurt
him. Emotionally. [LAUGHS]

What the f*ck, Roy? Did you bring
me 'round here to get my leg broke?

[ROY] No.

I brought you here to remind you
that football is a f*cking game

that you used to play as a f*cking kid.

'Cause it was fun,

even when you were getting
your f*cking legs broken

or your f*cking feelings hurt.

So, f*ck your feelings,

f*ck your overthinking,
f*ck all that bullshit,

go back out there and
have some f*cking fun.

All right, game on.

Was that all right?

That was great.

Too many fucks?

I don't know.

Kinda like all the nipples in
that movie, Showgirls.

Halfway through, you don't even notice.

You just kinda get sucked
into the narrative.

I dated Gina Gershon once.

That makes me happy.

["SONG " PLAYING]

Get off me!

- [GIGGLING]
- Come on.

[PLAYER LAUGHS]

[ROY CLAPS]

[PLAYER] All right. Come on!

- You gotta be kidding me.
- [PLAYERS] Whoo!

[PLAYER ] Whoo! Come on!

- [PLAYER ] Whoo! Whoo!
- McAdoodle-doo!

McAdoodle-doo!

[PLAYER ] Come on!

[PLAYERS SHOUTING, CHATTERING]

Nice work tonight, Coach.

Do you really think I'm
gonna fall for this sh*t?

Fall for what?

You're trying to get me to come
back to the club and coach.

It won't work.

Roy, I got zero interest...

Excuse me, nil interest in making you

do something that ain't in your heart.

So, you're really not playing games?

Maybe a little.

I'm sorry, Roy,

but I came here tonight
'cause when you realize

you wanna spend the rest of
your life coaching with somebody,

you want the rest of
your life to begin ASAP.

Please stop.

You complete our team.

You're an assh*le.

I'm also just a coach,
standing in front of a boy,

- asking him if...
- Listen,

I'm never coming back to Richmond.

Not now, not ever.

Now f*ck off.

As you wish.

[GROANS]

Hey, I'm sorry about that, Coach.

Set your alarm for p.m. instead of a.m.?

Yes, sir, Steve Kerr. Thank you.

- Still, you got down here pretty quick.
- Yeah, well,

I think a fella should only take
as long as the tune "Easy Lover"

by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey
to get dressed in the morning.

- Makes sense.
- Yeah.

Whoo! It is a beautiful Saturday,

and we are playing Sheffield Wednesday.

- Aka "The Owls".
- Hey, how 'bout that?

Hey, you never finished your joke.

What joke?

What does a British owl say?

Oh, right.

Whom. Whom.

Worth the wait.

["L-O-V-E" BY NAT KING COLE PLAYING]

We had season tickets for Richmond.

My family was well-off.

I was a young punk that
snuck in every week.

My father wanted us in the
best seats in the house.

I sat there because she was there.

My mother and my boyfriend were furious.

They wanted to call
security to kick him out.

But she insisted that I should stay.

- And we fell in love.
- And we fell in love.

Years later, a close
friend of the family

used the same story line
for the film Titanic.

And we've been in litigation ever since.

- Together.
- Together.

- Come on, Richmond!
- Richmond!

[CHUCKLES]

Mmm.

Just stop with the foreplay.

Tell him you own Richmond
and that you're f*cking fit.

- Coach.
- Doctor.

Floor. Ceiling.

Trash can.

Now you go.

I was just checking in.
See how you're feeling.

Oh, well, that's mighty nice of you.

How am I feeling?

I don't know, you know?

I... I'm just dealing with the terror
of knowing what this world is about,

you know?

Watching a few good friends
screaming to let them out.

So, you're feeling under pressure?

♪ Ba ba ba be doo ♪

Well, my door is always open.

Then why even have one?

Heck, Coach Beard could take that
thing out for ya Jack Torrance style

with eight good whacks.

- Five good whacks.
- Hmm.

Lumberjack World
Championship qualifier, baby!

That man has had many
lives, many masters.

Oh, snap! Hottie alert. Look at
this guy. Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Hot-cha-cha. Oh, ho, ho.

Game day suit. I love it.

Not too much?

What? Too much class? No such thing.

If you are out to describe the truth,
leave elegance to the tailor.

Hey, I appreciate you checking in, Doc.

All right. Let's go, Greyhounds! Whoo!

[STELLING] And we're back.

Let's round off the Premier League

with Arsenal heading on
the road to Newcastle,

where -year-old Matthew
Kerr will make his debut.

They're calling him the Irish Ronaldo.
What can we expect today?

Well, I think we can expect to see

a commanding performance from the lad.

Roy, what do you think he'll do today?

I don't know. He's .

He'll probably have chips for
dinner and a wank before bed.

Oh, apologies for the language.

- [SIGHS]
- Roy, I was looking for some insight

about how he'll play.

I told you, I don't know.

All we do is sit around here

and guess what a bunch of little pricks
are gonna go and do out there,

then we come back at halftime,

and we complain 'cause they didn't do

exactly what we thought they'd do.

We don't know.

Of course we don't know.

We're not in the locker rooms with them.

We're not on the pitch with them.

We can't look 'em in the eyes
and encourage them to be better

than they ever thought
they were capable of being.

We're just...

We're just on the outside looking in.

Judging them.

[CLEARS THROAT] Okay, Roy.

Uh, well, here's a look at your old team

warming up in an interesting new way.

- Hey! [LAUGHING]
- Whoo.

[ALL SHOUTING]

[BOTH] Whoa, oh.

[ALL SHOUTING]

[GEORGE] Look, it's all pretty
loosey-goosey, isn't it?

Especially for a team

that's at the business end
of the relegation zone.

[KAMARA] But it's good to see
McAdoo with a smile on his face.

He's been a shadow
of himself all season.

I wonder what's gotten into him.

Oh, dang. Yeah, come on,
now. Come on, man.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Pow.

There you go. All right.

Gentleman.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[STELLING] Bloody cold out there
today. Bet you don't miss that, Roy.

What?

[STELLING] Said, I bet you
don't miss the cold, hey, Roy?

I miss all of it.

'Scuse me.

- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry, fellas.

This isn't what I'm meant to do.

["SHE'S A RAINBOW" PLAYING]

[STELLING] Roy!

Jeff, I have to go.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Thank you. Cheers, Ben.

- [SIGHS]
- [DRIVER CHUCKLES]

- You're Roy Kent.
- No, I'm not.

All right, I am. Take me to Nelson Road.

[DRIVER] No. Headed home.

It's me anniversary, mate,
and I haven't bought a present.

f*ck.

Right, my wife loves cash.

- [ROY] Cheers.
- [DRIVER CHUCKLES]

Sorry, mate, this is
as far as I can get ya.

I'll tell you the thing Nikki Sixx said

in the Mötley Crüe Behind the Music.

- "You gotta date your wife".
- Thanks, Roy.

- [cr*ck]
- [GRUNTS]

f*ck!

f*ck. f*ck. [PANTS]

Oi, you see this new watch?

You get me to Nelson Road
in ten minutes, it's yours.

- Get in.
- [EXHALES]

[GROANS]

[SQUEAKS]

Cheers.

No!

- I've gotta get in there.
- Do you have a ticket?

- I can't let anyone in without a ticket.
- I'm Roy Kent.

- He does look like him.
- A little.

Around the mouth.

Ah, for f*ck's sake.

[PANTS]

I believe you're holding
a ticket for Reba McEntire.

[GROWLS]

Good to see you back, Reba.

Dad. Dad.

- Enjoy the game.
- f*ck you.

It is you.

[PANTING] f*ck. f*ck. f*ck.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[PANTING CONTINUES]

- [CRACKS]
- [GRUNTS]

[CROWD CHEERS]

Look!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Holy sh*t.

[CROWD CHANTING] He's here! He's
there! He's every f*cking where!

Roy Kent! Roy Kent!

He's here! Here's there!
He's every f*cking where!

Roy Kent! Roy Kent!

[CHANTING CONTINUES, FAINT]

Hello, Coach.

- Really glad you decided to...
- Shut up.

Just shut up.

You had me at "Coach".

[GASPS]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

- [WHISTLE BLOWS]
- [CHEERING]