11x03 - Foreign Affairs

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

Believe me, this hurts you
a lot more than it hurts me.

Don't worry. You'll be okay.

(speaking French)
French unit, sir.
Got mortared.

Okay. You're gonna be okay.

North Korean pilot, doctor.
b*llet wound in the shoulder.

Your shoulder's going
to be fine, Lieutenant,

but I'd hold off throwing
the curve ball a while.

Doctor, can you tell me
how long it's gonna be?

I got orders to get
this guy outta here.

Soon as his infection
clears up.

The R. O. K. troops

must have stopped
sterilizing their b*ll*ts.

Salut.
MAN: Salut.

Ça va?

(speaking French)

Ah. This is one of our
doctors: Major Winchester.

Martine Le Clerc.
How do you do?

Ah, Bonjour.
Bonjour, Doctor.

Miss Le Clerc
is a volunteer

with the International
Red Cross.

Ah. A touch
of Gallic loveliness

is just the prescription
for these boys,

not to mention
their doctors.

(chuckling)

Your man is right
over here, Major.

Excuse me, sir. This man's
a prisoner of w*r.

Not anymore.

Major Reddish is in charge

of Lieutenant ChongWha Park
as of now.

By orders
of General Mark Clark.

From here on,
you answer to me.

Congratulations, ChongWha.

How's it feel to be
America's newest w*r hero?

You read me, son?

He doesn't understand
loud English, either.

But we have a farmer
up the road

who translates for us a lot.

Negative, Colonel.
I've already sent to H. Q.

for an official interpreter.

We can't trust such a highly
sensitive diplomatic matter

to some ox cart driver.

What's up, Colonel?

Major Reddish is here
to award Lieuten

Uh, if you don't mind,
Colonel, I'd like to tell it.

ChongWha here has just won
himself a $100,000 reward.

A hundred G's, son.

$100,000 for what?

On April 27,
General Mark Clark,

head of United States
Forces, Far East,

offered $50,000 American
to any and all enemy pilots

landing a Sovietbuilt jet

in good condition
in friendly territory.

Plus an additional 50 big ones
to the one who's first.

I think I signed up
on the wrong side.

And he also gets a free
trip to the States

plus American citizenship.

Way things are going,

soon there'll be a prize
in every hand grenade.

Major Reddish
is General Clark's

Assistant Chief
of Public Information.

Uh, Colonel, please.
Let me get a word in.

Now, then, I can't take credit
for coming up with this idea.

General Clark himself figured

that the w*r needed a sh*t
in the propaganda.

You know, it's been
getting harder and harder

to sell this w*r
to the folks back home.

Well, that's what happens

when you spend everything
on weapons

and nothing on advertising.

Right.

We figured
just what we needed

was a couple
of good turncoats

to get the public
behind us again.

Thanks to Lieutenant
ChongWha here,

(clicks tongue) we got it.

(clicks tongue)
Thank God.

Hi, ladies. Allow me
to introduce myself.

I'm Hawkeye Pierce.

Pleased to meet you,
Capitaine.

Oh, you're French.

I've been wearing
your cuffs for years.

Oh, Pierce.

There's nothing like
the way a French accent

fits into an American ear.

It's Ladies' Night.

Well, I know
when I'm not wanted.

What does it take for you
to get the message?

Well, looks like you have
the crucial vote.

(speaking French)

But after all,
we are talking.

Please excuse us.

Okay, okay.
Fine. Fine. Fine.

But if you're gonna change
your mind, you better hurry.

Offer expires
midnight Saturday.

This Hawkeye,
he is a doctor?

Mmm. A lot of people
around here

find him irresistible,
including himself.

(laughing)

He acts very much
a little boy, doesn't he?

Oh, believe me.
He's not acting.

You know what's wrong
with this w*r?

Yeah. The French
aren't on my side.

Not enough heroes.

But ChongWha's gonna
take care of that.

For $100,000 plus
transportation.

Charles, did you realize

that for only
a few thousand dollars

your father could sponsor
a Korean deserter?

Yeah. Yeah. If you
gentlemen will excuse me.

You're wasting
your time, Charles.

Take it from someone who's
met the French "resistance."

(chuckle) Pierce.

Good evening.

Hello, Major.
Please sit here.

Ah. Thank you.

Hmmhmm.

What did he try
that I didn't?

Maybe sincerity.

Sincerity.

I could fake that.

So you like
the museums of Paris.

Yes. Especially
the Jeu De Paume.

Spent half my time there.

Incroyable, n'estce pas?

I much prefer it
to the Louvre.

I love the impressionists.

(speaking French)

Excuse me. WWhat was that?
I didn't understand that.

Oh, I say it is a
It is a nice place

to go when one
is in love.

Oh.

You know, when I
was 7 years old,

my father was stationed
in Fort Bliss.

That's in Texas.

And my mother used to take me
to the art museum in El Paso.

Eh, how cultural.

When I realized that I was
actually looking

at Monet's "Peace Beneath
the Lilac Trees"

the real thing,
not some processed print
in an art book

I was overwhelmed.

I hate to break this up,
but I really have to go.

Oh. I'm so sorry, Major.

I'm afraid
I have been impolite.

It's okay. No problem.
Good night.

I hope she's not mad
with me, Major Houligan.

(chuckles)
It's Houlihan,

and how could anyone
be angry with you?

Major.
Please. Uh...

Call me Charles.
(French pronunciation)

Charles, let me tell you
of one experience

that was even more
memorable for me.

Yes?
Mmhmm.

It was soon after the w*r,

and Paris was once again
the City of Light.

Some friends and I decided
to treat the occasion

with the grandeur
it deserved.

We got dressed as elegantly
as we were able,

and we hired a carriage
to take us to the concert.

(chuckle) And this tribute
was inspired by who,

uh, Toscanini?

Uh...Heifetz?

No. Spike Jones.
Spike Jones?

Charles, Spike,
he makes me laugh. He's fun.

Surely there must be
some silliness

that makes you laugh.

No.
No.

Are you familiar
with Tom and Jerry?

The cat and mouse
in the cartoon?

Yeah.

It just (laughs)

It just kills me when Tom

runs right off a kitchen
table but doesn't fall.

So he just hangs there
in midair,

his little feet
going furiously.

And then he looks down,
and suddenly

(imitating fall and crash)

(both laughing)

Don't you dare tell a soul.

(laughing)

Good heavens,
we have talked all night.

I'm due in postop
in half an hour.

Oh, mon chou,
Where did the time go?

You will be so tired.

Oh, no. Quite the contrary.

I feel quite refreshed.

Well, he wasn't
in his bed all night,

so where else
could he have been?

Come now, Hawkeye.
Let's not jump
to conclusions.

(no audible dialogue)

On the other hand...

Don't worry, Father.
I'm sure

there's a perfectly
sordid explanation

for all this.

That joie de vivre of hers

might be just the thing
to oil his hinges.

Your translator is here, sir.
This is JoonSung Yu.

Well, it's about time.
Put her there, Major.

And so, on behalf
of Mark Clark,

you will be awarded $100,000
and U. S. citizenship.

Oh. (speaking Korean)

(speaking Korean)

Mark Clark
(Korean)

He says this is a mistake.

He had engine trouble,
thought he was in the north,

and put his MIG down
on the first road he saw.

He wasn't trying to be a hero.
He was trying to,

as I believe you would say,
to to save his fanny.

That's close to the way
we'd say it, yeah.

He says he wants to go home.

Never heard of Mark Clark.
And you can keep your money.

This is a disaster.

This is the biggest P.R.
project of the whole w*r,

and it's slipping
through my fingers.

I don't believe this.

Yesterday
he was sh**ting at us.

Now you're offering him
a fortune

to go to the States.
What about all our guys

who'd be thrilled to go
home for nothing?

Tell the ungrateful fool
he can forget about home.

He either goes to the States,
or he's a prisoner of w*r.

(speaking Korean)

(speaking Korean)

He says if those
are his choices,

he prefers to become
a prisoner of w*r.

Bonjour.
It's bonsoir now.

Ah, yes, indeed.
You're You're right.

Uh, these are for you.
Merci.

They are quite, um...
Scraggly?

Oui.
But lovely scraggly.

They're the nicest
I could find

without actually going
into the minefield.

They'll look
a great deal better

if you would share this
with me.

Chateau Petrus?
Formidable.

Yes? May I
Mmhmm.

Direct from the Pomerol,
via Geller Brothers' Liquors

on Commonwealth Avenue
in Boston.

Uh...

Voilà.
(giggles)

Uh, Martine...

there's something
I want to say to you,

and I'm afraid
I don't, um...

quite know how to do it.

You could try looking at me.

This may sound strange,

since you've only
been here a few days.

Nevertheless,
in that time,

I've come to feel

as much for you as any
woman I've ever met.

Here.

Merci.

To, um...

to you.

To us.

Charles, I
I know your feeling

because I have not felt
that close to a man

for more than a year.

That's when Robert d*ed.

Oh. I see.

We were four years together
on the Boulevard Montparnasse

from the day he carried me

over the threshold
of our apartment

until the end came.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, ça va.

The memories are still alive.

But I was thinking

I would not feel
that close to a man again.

But now I know you.

I think, perhaps,
it is possible.

Ahem.

Excuse me, nurse.

Uh, I know it's early
for visiting hours.

II was wondering
if I could, uh,

talk to, uh,
Lieutenant ChongWha.

Mm, I really
don't think so.

Ah. Oh, by the way,

II thought you might
appreciate these.

Wow. Silk.
Thank you, sir.

(fingers snap)

Morning.

ChongWha,

all this fine American
merchandise is for you.

(speaking Korean)
Philco portable.

Simulated leather case.

Eversharp Schick
pen and pencil set

with retractable
ballpoint pen.

(continues in Korean)
Electric razor.

Settings for
any type of beard.

This handsome
pinstripe suit

with two
two pair of pants.

(speaking Korean)

Lieutenant appreciates
your generosity,

but he still wants to
remain in his own country.

Major.

This patient's chart
doesn't call for bribes

at 6:00 in the morning.
Captain,

I got permission from your
nurse to come in here.

Well, the stockings didn't
quite fit my conscience. Here.

Now leave him alone.

Why are you guys
so damn gung ho

to take
this Commie's side?

Don't you see
what a sham this is?

You're trying to package
this whole w*r

like a box
of cornflakes.

Keep it going with
the old hard sell.

Push, pull, click, click.
Change sides that quick.

You really want a guy leading
a parade down Broadway

with his arm twisted
behind his back?

Look, fellas. I'd like
to have a hero who loves us.

That was my first choice.

But if I have to, I'll
settle for one who hates us.

Who the hell's gonna
know the difference anyway?

The jerk doesn't even
speak the language.

We're gonna know
the difference.

And since we're his doctors,

we're not releasing him
until he's ready.

I'm due at H. Q.

to brief General Clark
on this situation.

When I get back, I'm bringing
his personal physician

to authorize Lieutenant
ChongWha's release.

So you just stay here.

And you two,

take real good care
of our boy.

6:15 in the morning.

I'm not usually this upset
till 9:00 or 10:00.

What do you say
we get some coffee?

Yeah. You want
some coffee? Come on.

Thank you.

It's a nice break for you

to get away from Reddish
for a while.

It isn't easy shoveling
manure in two languages.

I don't think Major Reddish
is such a bad man.

What he's offering
the lieutenant
is a better life.

Maybe, but he doesn't
seem to think so.

Sometimes a person
can look at a good thing

and doesn't even know it.

I was saying that
to a nurse just last night.

Do you know,

I was once in a painting
very much like this.

You were? Really?
Mmhmm.

I had a friend Phillipe.

He was an artist.

One day we went
to the countryside
near Honfleur,

and I posed for a painting

which he called, uh
(speaking French)

(mutters)
What does that mean?

"Nude at the Picnic."

Ah.
Mm.

You posed nude?

(giggles)

Wonderfully French of you.

I had a wonderful time
with that painting.

Phillipe, he owed
quite a bit of money

at a bistro
on the Boulevard SaintMichel.

To pay it back,
he gave them the painting.

I used to enjoy

eating at the table
underneath the painting,

and and I
would watch the people

look from the painting to me,
and then back again. (laughs)

Didn't your husband
mind your posing nude?

Or was this before
you were married?

I was never married.

(laughs)

And even if Robert
was my husband,

he would not mind.

You weren't married. Uh,

I understood you to say
that you shared an apartment.

Yes. But I don't want
to talk about Robert.

It still makes me sad.

And this is a time
for happiness, huh?

When the w*r is finished,

I would like to come
to your country.

It would be so nice
to meet your family

your sister,
your father and mother.

This seat taken?

Uh, no.

Uh, garcon,
a whiskey and water.

How 'bout a refill,
Winchester?

No, I'm fine. Thank you.

What's the matter?

Your lady friend busy
Red Crossing tonight?

Uh, yeah. Yes.

I can understand

your attraction
for mademoiselles.

I knew my share back
in the first World w*r.

'Course, that was P. M.
preMildred.

One I'll never forget
was Danielle.

She was an older woman
of 20.

She worked in
the boulangerie in Soissons.

She was very sophisticated.

At least I thought she was

because she could
pronounce "boulangerie."

We spent the better part
of the Battle of the Marne

hanging on to one another
behind the bread racks.

Wonderful woman.
Made me feel safe.

To this day,
Mildred can't understand

why I get mistyeyed

every time I cr*ck open
French bread.

Can't understand it.

Well,
hello, little lady.

Say, did you ever
find yourself

in the town of Soissons?

Uh, yes. Why do you ask?

Oh, you remind me

of an old friend from there.

How nice.

Well, sit down.
Thank you.

Uh...

I guess you finished
your chores all right, huh?

I was not working.

I was waiting for a friend

who was supposed
to come visit.

I'm very sorry, Martine.
I'm not feeling very well.

I thought I'd stop in for
a drink before I go to bed.

Might help me sleep.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, it's nothing
very serious.

Colonel Potter's
been very nice company.

If you'll excuse me,
please.

Oh, Charles,
leaving so soon?

And so alone?
Shut up.

If you boys don't
have a better offer,

why don't you
come and join us?

Thank you, Colonel.

You don't mind if we sit in?

Please excuse me.
Oh, if we're intruding, we

No, no. I would just
like to have a drink.

Stay put. I can get
curb service.

No, thank you.

Is she okay?

Beats me.

So what's the latest
on the tugofwar

over the North Korean
pilot?

Unfortunately,
Major Reddish is winning.

He's coming back tomorrow
to get ChongWha.

Too bad. I hate to see
any fellow human being,

even the enemy,
in the clutches
of a P. R. man.

You know, uh, I don't
think she's coming back.

If Winchester's
giving her the gate,

I hope he knows
what he's doing.

Sometimes a man can have
an awfully good thing

staring him
right in the face

and not even know it.

You know,
you're the second person

who's said that to me today.

Okay, I'll hold.
He's ringing him right now.

Hello, Major Reddish?

Captain Pierce would
like to talk to you.

Major? Sorry to bother you
at this late hour.

I just wanted
to congratulate you

as soon as I heard
the news.

Yeah, that's right.
You got yourself a hero.

I don't know how.

Could be the picture
of Rita Hayworth

the guys in postop
were passing around.

I know she always
makes me want to go home

to mine or hers.

Huh? Oh, yeah.

How's first thing
in the morning?

We'll have him
all ready for you.

(knocking)

Yes?

How are you feeling?

Fine. Oh, better.

Thank you.

Charles, have you
a moment to speak?

Could it wait?
No.

I must leave tomorrow.

And I would like to know
what has happened between us.

Nothing's happened.

Charles.

Please don't treat me
like a child.

I can see that you are
different since the picnic

when we were talking
about the future

and all the wonderful times
we would have together.

And now, all of a sudden,
you are very much distant.

There's no sense
getting into this.

What makes no sense

is to finish the kind
of relationship we had

without knowing why.

Martine, we are simply
not compatible.

When we were alone last night,
we were not compatible?

(whispering)
Yes. We were.

But, uh...

this isn't Boston.

I don't understand.

Martine...

my family is very
conventional.

They could never understand
the life you've lived,

your...bohemian way.

They just couldn't accept it.

What matters is,
can you accept it?

No. I can't.

I'm sorry.

But no.

And there's nothing I can do.

I can't change who I am.

Charles,
you make me very sad.

But I am not nearly so sad
for me as I am for you.

Me?

You know, I told you earlier

that I was not attracted
to your friend Hawkeye

because he was too much
a little boy.

Yes.

I can see now that you are
not enough of one.

Goodbye.

Yeah! Better be
hittin' the road.

I got photographers
waiting at Kimpo

and a press conference
in Tokyo.

All set for you, Major.
Thank you, Captain.

Lieutenant ChongWha's
picture's

gonna be on the front page

of every paper
in the U. S. of A.

Click, click.

What the hell is this?

Well, the uniform's
a little big,

but that can be taken in.
You were.

Pierce, where's my man?

He's on his way
to a P. O. W. camp.

He's got
no business there.

Now damn it,
I want my North Korean.

What's wrong with him?
He is a South Korean.

North, South.
Without a program,
it's hard to tell.

Look, this guy wants
to go to the States.

I have no family.
I am not a combat soldier,

so the army won't miss me.

You stay out of this.

JoonSung
is the perfect hero.

He speaks fluent English,
loves hotdogs,

knows American history
better than we do.

And besides, he's
cute as the dickens.

You don't want some guy

who's gonna be sticking
his tongue out at America.

You want a happy turncoat.

Listen, face it, Major.

This man is gonna
be great P. R.

Just run him up the flagpole
and watch them salute.

I refuse to lie.

And you call yourself
a P. R. man.

I am a soldier first.
I won't lie without orders.

If you're gonna
start throwing
the truth around,

you'd better hurry.
Don't forget,

you put this story
on the wire last night.

John Cameron Swayze
is already

hopscotching it
around the world.

HAWKEYE:
Hoist by your own P. R.

Are we going to America
or aren't we?

Let's get this show
on the road.

You know...

we might just
blow this by 'em.

Now you're talkin'
your language.

So long, Doctors.
Good luck, JoonSung.

Don't drink the water
over there.

Thanks for everything!

Ha ha! Good luck.

I think he'll make
a great hero.

Yeah, as long as nobody
asks him to fly a plane.

Uh, yeah.

By now
JoonSung's probably

pulling ticker tape
out of his hair.

Yeah. Pretty soon he'll
be eating cheeseburgers,

looking for a splitlevel,

and cheating
on his income tax.

I feel kind of sorry
for ChongWha.

I know it's what he wants,
but a P. O. W. camp

isn't exactly
a day at the beach.

Well, maybe
our goingaway gift

will cheer him up a little.

♪♪♪ (theme)