11x06 - Bombshells

[bunniefuu]

♪♪♪ (theme)

Good morning, Hawkeye.
Good morning, Charles.

♪♪♪ (whistling, up tempo)

What is this,
take a cadaver to lunch day?

Well, I'm glad to see somebody's
not such a Sorrowful Jones.

That's because
I've got the day off.

I met a chopper pilot
who loves fishing
as much as I do.

We're going up to Lake Kogee.
Charles, you're from Boston.

Here's something
I'm sure will interest you.

"Red Sox Slugger Ted Williams
to Leave Korea."

Oh, goody! Does this mean
I can have his dessert?

What happened? The ump
throw him out of the w*r?

No, it says he's got an ear
and throat infection.

He's been grounded,
and the marines are sending him

to a m*llitary hospital
in the States.

Last time I had an ear
and throat infection,
nobody sent me home.

You ever hit .400?
Oh, pipe down, you morons.

He's a w*r hero,
and he's not leaving
the marines, just Korea.

Captain Hunnicutt?
Yo! Here's my ride.

I leave you to each other,
which is reason enough
for leaving.

I can tell you the real reason
Ted Williams is going home.

I heard the marines are
pulling out the whole 311th
Fighter Squadron,

because the Commies
have given up on that sector.

Where'd you hear that crock?
Gentlemen, in all fairness,

I must tell you that I heard
the same story myself.

Actually, I think
I got that from you.

(chuckles)
Margaret, you should
know better

than to promulgate
idiotic rumors.

It's not a rumor!

For your information,
it's something I heard.

It's amazing.
People will believe anything.

Yeah, that I'll buy.

The more outrageous the tale,
the wider the circulation.

Oh, yeah, perhaps.

But then, without a certain
amount of blind faith,

I'd be out of business.

Hey, guys, did you know
that Ted Williams is going home?

I heard the Red Sox
paid 50,000 bucks

to get him
out of the marines.

That's not what I heard.
I heard it was 75,000

and they sold Babe Ruth
to the navy.

Who cares about
Ted Williams?

How come you didn't tell us
about Marilyn Monroe?

What about Marilyn Monroe?
You know.

Know what?
She's coming here.

Marilyn Monroe is coming here?

Noon tomorrow.

Wait a minute.
I wasn't born yesterday.

If Marilyn Monroe
was coming to Korea,

everybody'd know about it.

Well, not all of Korea,
just this unit.

Yeah. Apparently she wants
to express her gratitude

to the doctors here who saved
the life of her cousin.
Yeah.

Her cousin was here?
What, you forgot already?

The blond kid. The, uh...
The young guy with the wound.

Oh, sure. I remember.
A young blond guy.

That's the one.
That's the one.
Yeah.

Wait a minute.
I'm the company clerk.

If Marilyn was coming here,
I'd know about it.

Oh, come on now, Klinger.
Use your brain.

A famous movie star like that?

Word like that gets out,
she shows up,

she's gonna be trampled
by thousands of drooling G. I. s.

You know how private
Marilyn is.

Gotta admit, everything
you say makes perfect sense.

Or it could just be some
stupid rumor somebody made up.

Nah, I buy it!

Hey, I better get busy.
I got work to do.

MAN:
You're gonna love this place.

If you run out of bait,
all you gotta do is whistle.

(chuckles)
Well, in that case,

I hope this baby's got
a big enough trunk.

Uhoh.
What?

B.J.:
Oh, boy.

Obviously,
the North Koreans didn't see
my "gone fishing" sign.

I guess we ought
to be neighborly.
Yeah.

Look, I know it's a secret,

but we're on the same side
of the secret.

You can't confirm
she's coming?

Okay, I'll play
your little game.

Can you deny it?
Can you confirm
that you can't deny it?

Do you deny that you confirm
that you can't deny it?

Well then, that confirms it.
Thank you very much, Sparky.

Son, that conversation
just gave my ears whiplash.

Care to unknot things
for me?

I realize the colonel
is keeping a tight lid on this,

but don't worry, sir.

The name Marilyn Monroe
will not leave this office.

Marilyn Monroe?
Quiet, sir!
The walls have ears.

You know she wants to keep
this visit hushhush.

Wait a second.
Have you caught wind
of some rumor

that Marilyn Monroe
is coming here?

It is not a rumor, sir.

Look, I've been around
long enough to know

that you can't believe
everything you hear.

In W. W. I., we got word
the w*r was over,

because Kaiser Wilhelm
was entering the priesthood.

He didn't.

Colonel, I just got
the confirmation from ICorps.

You talked to a couple
of stripes.

I'm gonna talk
to a couple of brass.
(phone rings)

MASH 4077.
One moment, please.

It's for you, sir,
from ICorps.
General Schwerin.

General Schwerin.
Hello, General.

Sherm Potter,
you son of a buck, you.

How come I hear about something
like this Marilyn Monroe visit

through channels
and not from my friends?

Oh, you heard it about it
through channels, huh?

Tell you the truth, General,

I wasn't sure about it myself
until just now.

Well, I'm not one
to hold a grudge,

but you're not gonna have
that woman all to yourself.

I was packing for three days
R & R in Tokyo,

and I've just canceled
all that

so I can come up your way

and shake the hand
that belongs to those legs.

General, mi unit es su unit.

Tomorrow at 1200 hours.

She's really coming!

Oh, this could be
the most exciting day
of my life.

Is he gonna be all right?
Yeah. Doesn't look
too serious.

Too bad about
the fishing trip.
Ah, well.

First thing they
teach you in med school
is don't make plans.

Uhoh.
What's the matter?

Looks like Uncle Sam
is having a bad day.
Oh, boy.

Drop that rope to him.
I can't land here.
It's anchored to the seat.

We'll lift him out
to that field over there,

then I can land,
and we'll put him in the pod.

B.J.: Tie it around yourself,
and we'll pull you out!

Come on! You can do it!

Come on!

What are you doing?
He can't make it.

I'm gonna go down there,
and you can pull us both out.

(g*nf*re)
Get back in here.
They're sh**ting.

We've gotta get out of here.

Okay. He's got the rope.
Let's go.

No, cut it.
What do you mean, cut it?

The extra weight's too much.
Cut the rope.

(g*nf*re continues)
They'll k*ll him!

They'll k*ll us all
if we stay here.

Cut the rope.
(b*llet strikes)

Cut it, damn it!
Cut the rope. Cut it!

They hit the oil cooler.
I think we'll be okay.

You were really gonna go
down that rope, weren't you?

MAN (on P. A.):
Attention all personnel.

The bad humor truck
is in the compound.

Possible fractured clavicle.
Maybe internal injuries.

Right, Doc.
Pain any better?

A little.
Was there anybody else
from your unit in that area?

You saw my buddy.
Not your buddy. Another guy.

Should we type
and crossmatch him?

Yeah, but the plasma's
probably okay for now.

Another guy, with dark hair
and a leg wound.

In the same area,
about 200 yards away
in the woods.

I don't know
who you mean, sir.
You got anybody else?

No, no. He's the only one.

(groaning)

MAN: Where am I?
MARGARET: MASH 4077.
You're gonna be just fine.

4077?
Right.

Is Marilyn here yet?
Uh, no, no.

Uh, no, but let's put it
this way. She is expected.

Oh.
Everyone seems
to know she's coming.

It's a good thing
it's not a m*llitary secret.

I've been thinking about this.
A star of her magnitude,

not to mention "tism,"
deserves a really boffo
reception.

Pierce, that's where
you come in.
Me?

You're witty, suave,
you lean toward handsome.

And I'm putting you in charge
of Operation Bombshell.

No, no, uh...
I can't think of a more
appropriate choice

for a very important job.

Colonel, I don't think
it's such a great idea.
As a matter of fact

No time for false modesty.
This is big.

General Schwerin himself
is giving up three days
of R & R

in Tokyo to meet double "M."

The least we can do

is make everybody's trip
worth the mileage.

I'll give it all
the effort it deserves.

His pulse is thready,
and his blood pressure
is 70 over 40.

Better give him another
couple of units right away.

He's not gonna
make it, is he?

Margaret, that's not
productive thinking.

It's not wrong,
but it's not productive.

You sure?
Sorry, Doc. Nobody from
my unit was near that area.

I see.
This guy a friend of yours?

Uh, no, not exactly.
I tried to do something
for him once.

Thanks.

Hey, Doc. I just wanted
to say goodbye.

Hey, Priore.
Thanks for the lift.
Oh, no. Thank you.

Listen. I know you didn't make
it all the way down that rope.

But you sure as hell tried.
I put you in for a medal.

See you at the fishing hole.

(door opens, closes)

I don't believe it.

The colonel wants a giant
"Welcome Marilyn" banner
in the compound.

And he wants a reviewing stand
so she can see the troops.

And then, he wants bunting
hung in postop.

Oh, what a shame.
And the Korean Kresge's
just closed for the decade.

I'd be a tad more
sympathetic, Charles.

When this rumor was born,
you were one of the
physicians in attendance.

Yeah, but now the patient
has grown

and is doing quite well
on its own.

In short, as Aristotle said,
"Tough noogies."

Yeah, well,
try these noogies on for size.

I have so much to do,
I'm gonna tell the colonel

I need to appoint
an assistant... you.

Well, I will disappoint me.

I have no intention
of wasting my time
preparing for the arrival

of someone who I know
is not arriving.

Oh, fine, good.

Then you tell the colonel
how you know she's not arriving.

And he'll tell his friend,
General Schwerin,

and the general will be
delighted

to find out who set up
this wild goose chase.

The one who made him give up
three funfilled days in Tokyo.

All right, all right.
Just how far are you prepared
to continue this sham?

And without Marilyn Monroe,
all you're gonna have
is bunting.

Charles, relax. Just go along
with this for a while.

Then I know exactly
what I'm gonna do.

What?
Think of something to do.

Yes, I tried to contact
the 8063rd MASH.
The lines are down.

Look, we send ICorps
casualty reports every day.

Don't all the other units
do the same thing?

Fine. Then is it too much
to ask that you check
those casualty reports

to see if anyone meeting
that descr

Thanks a lot, pal.

If you ever need a favor,
don't ask.

(knock on table)
Colonel?

Oh, Hunnicutt, come on in.

I was just giving
ManO'w*r a spit shine.

I want Miss Monroe
to see him with
a glossy coat.

(chuckles)
What can I do for you?

I was just wondering if
I could take that fishing trip

I didn't take today tomorrow?
What, and miss Marilyn?

Well, actually I'm a little
more of a Rita Hayworth man.

I could use the time off.
Oh, what the hey.

Well, you've earned it.
I have?

Ran into your chopper pilot
buddy when he was leaving.

He said you're up for a medal.
Oh, yeah.

He was in kind of a hurry,
so I didn't get the details.

What'd you do?
Nothing I want a medal for.

Oh?
Can you stop it?

Well, if that's what you want,
I'll head it off.

Thanks.

Hunnicutt, anything
you want to talk about?

Not right now, Colonel.
Thanks.

Well, I hope you catch
a bucketful.

I'll be happy
if I catch just one.

How does that look, Captain?

Oh, terrific.

Today postop,
tomorrow the World Series.

Well, the banner committee
is finished with the
scroll detail.

Charles, that's not
how she spells her name.

It's MARlLYN.

I know that, but the private
here doesn't know that.

Besides, she's not gonna know
the difference anyway.
She's in "show biness."

I bet the colonel
knows how to spell,

and I know General Schwerin
knows how to spell

including big words,
like "dishonorable discharge."

Pierce, may I Hold that.

Pierce, may I see you
on another part of the floor?

If you don't do something

long before
General Schwerin gets here,

the bunting isn't
gonna be the only thing

hanging from
the reviewing stand.

Get it?
Yes.

Well, boys,
I just pulled off a doozy.

Thanks to yours truly,

Miss Monroe will not
be greeted a cappella.

I have procured us
a bona fide,

armyissue sixpiece band.

I wonder if they know
"Don't Get Around Much Anymore"?

Oh, thanks for reminding me.

I have to hunt up
the sheet music
to "Hooray for Hollywood."

♪♪♪ (humming)

Where do you think
you're taking me?
Hollywood.

Ah, finally, it's ringing.
Good old Sparky.

You'll never get past
the switchboard.

"Helloo." Is this the 20th
Century Fox film studios?

It is. Uh, do you have a
switchboard operator
there named Mabel or Mavis?

Madge. That's the one, yeah.
Listen, tell her I said hello,
will you?

And while you're at it, could
you get me Marilyn Monroe,
please?

Thank you.

She's putting me through.
Well, good old Madge.

Marilyn, hi.
Oh, uh, who is this?

Miss Panama. I see.

Uh, I'd like to speak to
Marilyn, please.
I'm calling from Korea.

Korea. Uh, perhaps
you're familiar with our w*r?

Yeah. Well,
I'm a friend of hers.

Well, I'm not a friend of hers.

I'm a friend of a friend
of hers... uh, Mr. DiMaggio.

My My name?
Um, Ted Williams.

Oh, thank you.
That's very kind.

Oh, you're
from Boston too. Oh!

Do I ever get to Roxbury?

Uh, no, no. I I don't get
up there too often.

Down! Down there.
I don't I don't get

She's What? She's
She just got back from Russia?

Oh, rushes! Rushes.
Yeah, right. That's movie talk.

Yeah. Uh, well What?

She's Oh.

Well, I'd love
to talk to her too.

Unbelievable!
Uh, pardon me?

My greatest thrill in sports?

Well, what can I say? Uh
What can I Um

Oh, I don't know,
I guess I'd have to say
my greatest thrill is,

you know, just being
out there in left field

playing for you great fans.

Center field! Right field!

Hello?
(grunts)

You idiot! I thought you knew
all those worthless things.

Now we have to get
back on the phone,
call General Schwerin,

pretend to be Truman,
and have him recalled.

I got a better idea.

Hello, Sparky.
Get me the Hollywood
operator again.

B.J.: Leg wound.
He'd have come in
within the last 24 hours.

MAN: We've got three.
I don't get it.

Why are you looking
for this guy?

Uh, sort of a followup.
Uh, leg wound.

How about this one? Adamenko.
Oh, no, that's not the man.

I forgot to tell you,
he has dark hair.

Oh. Well, how about
Sergeant Cucuzza?

Fractured femur.
They brought him in last night.

Yeah, that could be him.
He's a construction engineer.

He was building
a munitions shed in Inchon,

and he fell off the roof.

Inchon?
Unless he fell a long way,
he's not my man.

You said you
had a third?

Yeah. Right over here.
Where's Carey?

He's being evac'd.
(engine starts in distance)

They're putting him
on the ambulance now.

Hey!
(whistles)

Hold it! Hold it, will you?
Hold it a minute.

Carey?
Hey, what gives?

Uh, uh, nothing. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

♪♪♪ ("Hooray For Hollywood")

POTTER:
Tenhut!

As you were, fellas.
It ain't her.
♪♪♪ (stops)

General, glad you could
come down and join us
for a little stargazing.

Good to see you, Sherm.
Where's Marilyn?

Well, she's not here yet.
Probably got held up in traffic.

Relax, Charles. Your head
looks like Niagara Falls.

How appropriate.
We are over a barrel.
It's her! She's coming!

Tenhut!
Hit it, boys!

♪♪♪ (resumes)

At ease.
I think you were
expecting someone else.

Hunnicutt, get that thing
out of here and swing in
over there with the fellas.

Cut it, boys.
That ain't her either.

This has to be her!

One, and a two, and a
Tenhut!

♪♪♪ (resumes)

Colonel Potter,
H. Q. said to get this
to you on the double.

At ease.
♪♪♪ (stops)

Well, folks, I hate to put
a flat tire on your hayride,

but this is a telegram
all the way from Hollywood.

Maybe you'd like to
hear it in its own words.

"Dear MASH 4077.

"Unavoidably detained
in rushes. Stop.

"Filming schedule changed.
Stop.

Am unable to get away.
Stop."

Oh, sh**t.

"Feel heartsick. Stop.

"Please give big, wet kiss

"to doctors who saved
my cousin, Whitey.

Stop."
Whitey?

"Kiss, kiss, love, love,
Marilyn."

"Kiss, kiss, love, love"?
I wanted it to sound sincere.

SCHWERIN: Not everybody
is gonna leave here
emptyhanded.

I brought
a special something along

to present
in front of Miss Monroe,

but now she's just gonna have
to read about it

in the "Stars and Stripes"
like everyone else.

Captain Hunnicutt,
front and center.

You people may not be aware
of it,

but you have a genuine hero
in your midst.

Uh, General, this may
not be a good time to

Oh, there's no time
like the present, Sherm.

Captain Hunnicutt,

for your act of bravery
and heroism under fire,

I am proud to present you
with the Bronze Star.

POTTER: Tenhut!
♪♪♪ (resumes)

Take five, boys!
♪♪♪ (stops)

Good work, son.

At ease. Dismissed.

Isn't that great?
They give me a medal
for leaving a kid behind

and getting out
with my butt in one piece.

It's a lot better
than getting it posthumously.

Yeah, well, thanks to my
acting bravely and
heroically under fire,

somebody's gonna be getting
a medal posthumously.

Come on.
You don't know if that's true.

Well, I sure as hell
can't prove it's not.

You didn't have
a lot of choices.

If you didn't cut that rope,
you'd be dead yourself now.

I would have done it.
You don't know that.

And I hope to God
you never have to find out.

We sit around here
in our Hawaiian shirts
and red suspenders,

thumbing our nose
at the army,

drinking homebrewed gin
and flouting authority
at every turn

and feeling, oh, so superior
to those m*llitary fools
who k*ll each other

and, oh, so selfrighteous

when we clean up after them.

Well, good luck to you, pal.
I hope you can keep it up.

The minute I cut that rope,
that made me a soldier.

Pierce! We need you
in postop. Quick!

I thought you might
like to see this.

Sonneborn!
His pulse is strong,

his B. P. is up,
he doesn't have a temperature,

and best of all, he's hungry.
That's fantastic.

What's the big deal?
You never saw somebody
sit up in bed before?

Well, I'll tell you the truth.
Yesterday, we thought

we'd have to fit you
for a halo.

Well, I did feel kind of weak
and messed up.

But when I was lying here,
I heard everybody talking
about Marilyn Monroe coming.

I said to myself,
"Damned if I'm checking out
till I meet her."

So, um, where is she?

Uh...

Yeah, uh...

Corporal Sonneborn?
That's me.

My name's Hunnicutt.
Dr. Pierce told me about you.

I've got something for you.

A little souvenir
of your stay here
at MASH by the Sea.

Jeez, a Bronze Star.
For me?

It's all yours.
Bronze goes good with green.
Hey, thanks!

Wait till I show this
to my folks.

Hey, Captain?

Why did I get this?
What did I do?

Uh, let's just say it's, uh...

a little something we give you

for getting out
with your butt in one piece.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪ (theme)