03x02 - Seance

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Another Period"...

You are to evacuate
the premises immediately.

[DEMONICALLY] You bitch.

[ROARING]

[THUNDER BOOMING]

[DRAMATIC CLASSICAL MUSIC]

Great-Grandpa Bellacourt,
you're looking very dirty.

[WIND BLOWS]

Hello?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SCREAMS]

[YELPING] My... my milk.

[YELPS] Oh...

My milk!

[SCREAMS]

♪ In nomine Patris et Filli, et... ♪

♪ Mayor Cutie ♪

♪ Amen ♪

[SOBBING] Oh, Mayor Cutie.

I'm so sorry I k*lled you.

But, to be clear,
you were being a bitch.

[GHOSTLY WHINE]

Cutie?

[OMINOUS TONES]

[SCREAMING]

Ghost!

♪ I want the money, I want the fame ♪

♪ I want the whole world
to know my name ♪

♪ This is mine, I got to get it ♪

♪ I got to get it, got, got to get it ♪

♪ "Another Period" ♪

[TEACUP RATTLING]

I haven't been this scared
since that time we went

to that haunted house on Cape Cod

that had the mix-and-match china.

[GASPS, SHOUTS]

Ooh, I shudder to this day.

One time, a ghost
had sex with me in my sleep.

He was really spooky,

and he looked just like Frederick,

and he smelled like Frederick,
and he was solid

and really easy to touch,
and not translucent,

but it wasn't a ghost.

- It was Frederick.
- [GASPS]

[EXHALES FEARFULLY]

Frederick, who do you think
the ghost is?

Well, I don't want you
to panic, Lillian,

but I think you're sitting
right next to her.

[GASPS]

[JARRING VIOLIN NOTES]

That's not a ghost. That's our mother.

[DRAMATIC TONE]

Oh, yes. Yes, it is.

You are... right. Sorry, Mother,

you just looked so pale and ghostly.

Why thank you, darling.

The only way to properly
dispose of a ghost

is to ask it nicely to leave.

I couldn't agree more, Mother.
That's why I've hired

the hottest spiritualist
in town to host a séance for us!

[BOTH GIGGLING]

- [GIGGLES]
- I heard the Herkimers

only got four ghosts at their séance,

and one was just a stillborn baby

who couldn't even talk.

I won't even get out of bed
for less than ten ghosts.

I present Mr. Harry Houdini.

[GIRLS SQUEALING]

[LOW, DRAMATIC TONES]

I hear you have a spirit issue?

Ooh.

Yes.

[HIP-HOP BEATS]

♪ ♪

And then the ghost was gone.

Right out of thin air!

Are you sure it was real?

It was a real ghost.

My teats cried.

- Oh, my God, are you serious?
- [WHIMPERS INDISTINCTLY]

[SLAM]

You want to hear a story
about a real ghost, hmm?

[CREEPY RATTLING MUSIC]

[WHISPERING] Well...

The man who built this house
went insane.

Slaughtered his wife and children.

Chopped them up, ate gunpowder,
sliced his own manhood in two,

and lit himself... aflame.

[GASPS SOFTLY] I don't like aflame.

At night, they say,

he slides into servants
through their bad place.

[WHISPERING] That's... their assholes.

And do you want to know

what the name of that maniac was?

[QUIETLY] Ferwilliger Baccarat?

- Tell us, tell us!
- I'll tell you.

♪ ♪

He doesn't have a name.

[SPEAKING NORMALLY] You idiots.

[LAUGHING] Because he doesn't exist.

Just like ghosts don't exist.

Hmm? You stupid shitheads.

[LAUGHS]

Well. Sticky Jonathan's real.

- Who is that?
- Oh, Sticky Jonathan.

Well, he gets hungry
if he doesn't get his macaroons.

That's why he's so sticky.
That and the blood

that covers his chest.
That's from his papa.

Papa was angry.
He watches me while I sleep.

[QUIETLY] He sleeps forever.

You're always talking
about Sticky Jonathan.

He's a figment of your imagination.

Well, if he's a figment,

then how come my stomach
was all sticky this morning?

That's not... it's not...

[BUZZER RINGING]

Quit this idle chitchat!

We have a code white.
We need to eradicate the ghosts

that Mr. Harry Houdini is trying
to bring into this plane

with his foolish "say-on-say."

Flobelle, paint the lamb's blood
above the kitchen door.

Blanche, k*ll yourself

so you can talk to the ghosts in their
native language. Garfield, come!

That's what was on his stomach.

You think so?

♪ ♪

Now, there are three séance packages

to choose from. The basic,

wherein I speak to the spirit
but you can't hear them;

the deluxe, wherein
I channel the weakened spirit...

you may speak to it,

but it will only whine in response.

[GIGGLES]
Sounds like the Jewish package.

[SIBLINGS LAUGHING]

[QUIETLY] They're all Jewish packages.

And finally,
the best value, best option,

top-of-the-line
Champagne Excelsior package,

where I channel your loved one...

fully nude, anything goes.

We'll take the Excelsior.

We always choose
the most expensive option.

- Mm, okay.
- Yes, that's why I sleep

on a mattress made of one entire ruby.

It's not comfortable at all,
but it's very expensive.

Wonderful. Now, let me ask you...

what do you think is haunting you?

I'm sensing...

a P...

- I (bleep) my brother!
- Ooh, me too.

Except, you know, switched.

I once pushed a blind priest
off of a cliff.

I know it doesn't sound like it,
but trust me,

- it was hilarious. [LAUGHS]
- [GIGGLES]

Okay... okay. Ah...

but literal hauntings. Any ghosts?

Oh, oh, I know who the ghost is.

- It's Mayor Cutie.
- Oh, a dignitary.

[SIGHS] They go
at a slightly higher rate.

I will charge you...

double?

Oh, delightful. We would've paid triple.

[EXHALES]

♪ ♪

[METAL DEVICES RINGING]

[RINGING STOPPING AND STARTING ABRUPTLY]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[RODS RINGING]

[STAMMERS, CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, hey... [CLEARS THROAT]
Hey there, Mister, uh...

Mr. Houdini, is it?
I knew you did magic.

I... big fan, by the way, but...

I didn't realize you did conjurings too.

Yes, well, today,
everyone in entertainment

has to diversify. I'm a triple thr*at:

magician, conjurer,

director of the New Jersey
Department of Public Works.

I do magic too, actually.

That's fascinating.

[STAMMERING]

I've been doing it
for about eight years now.

I, uh... [LAUGHS]
I mean, more seriously now

for... I, well...
I've never been onstage.

I would be so honored
if I could show you

- some of my stuff.
- [SIGHS]

I don't work with amateurs.

Do you even have a lovely assistant?

- Lovely...?
- Assistant?

A confection for the eyes?

It's standard for a guy at your level...

the bottom.
Like a... maybe some kind of.

Slovenian arm-wrestler, right?

With a big wooly beard,

and forearms like Christmas hams.

What? No, a lady.

It's got to be a lady. You know,

the kind you can saw in half
and bang either half afterward.

[SOFTLY] It's all the same to me.

Of course. I enjoy ladies.

- Okay.
- Their long, funny necks

and jagged shoulders.

I'm gonna find myself an assistant.

You can bet on it.

Who knows?

Maybe you can open up
for me someday, kid.

[LAUGHS] [GASPING]

♪ Who, bitch? ♪

♪ Who, bitch? ♪

There we are...

[EERIE MUSIC]

The spirit world and the earthly plane

should never meet.

This ghost trap will stop
any ghoul in its tracks.

You know, sometimes a ghost
just needs a good snack.

Sticky Jonathan loves crumpets.

Crumpets!

Ghosts must be dealt with mercilessly.

Do you know what happens
to people after they die?

- They come back as daffodils.
- No!

They come back as evil...

evil specters.

Now... help me stop this poltergeist.

Don't touch anything. Hmm!

But help me, boy.

But don't touch anything.

Help me, Garfield! I...

- Do not touch a thing.
- [TEARFULLY] I'm helping.

Shh.

[JARRING STRING MUSIC]

No. No, no, no, no!

[PANTING]

You're okay. Ghost Mother
can't hurt you in here.

- [POUNDING ON DOOR]
- [GASPS]

Frederick, will you be long in there?

What do you want, you fowl demon?!

Well, to have a bowel movement.

[WHISPERING] No.

[GASPING] No!

[SOBBING] No, no!

No!

Beatrice, are you in here?

[SCREAMS]

- [GASPING]
- [LAUGHING]

Beatrice!

Aw, how'd you know it was me?

Well, I'm looking right at you. How
long have you been waiting there?

Oh, just for all day.

[SIGHS] Look, I need your help.

I want you to be my assistant.

- m*rder assistant?
- No.

m*rder has nothing to do with this task.

- Oh.
- I want you to be

my magic assistant. All you have to do

is smile and wear a vest.

Ooh, I love a nice vest.

Why not let nature be your sleeves?

And most importantly,
you need to look impressed

when I conjure...

the mystical arts!
[FLASHY MUSICAL FLOURISH]

[GASPS] Collapsible bouquet.

[SIGHS] Yes.

[STAMMERING] Okay,
but let me try something else.

Bet you can't figure out

- how the flying ball works.
- [GASPS]

It's on a stick.

[JAZZY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

There was an opening in the ring!

- [RINGS CLATTERING]
- Oh, and you dropped them.

They're all tied together.

♪ ♪

Rise.

You're using your thumb.

I mean... [GASPS DELIGHTEDLY]

[CARDS CLATTERING]

♪ Ring around ♪

♪ The rosy ♪

This... this mayor.

He was a fine, upstanding gentleman.

- He was a girl.
- Of course, a girl.

That's... what I was saying.
An upstanding woman.

- She was a dog.
- Yes, a dog.

A female... dog.

Big, fluffy, huge... Chihuahua.

Little tiny Chihuahua.

But huge... huge in spirit.

Huge in cuteness. A veritable mayor...

of cuteness. Oh! That's right!

How did you know?
That was her name... Mayor Cutie.

Now, there are a lot
of dogs in the underworld.

I wanna make sure I find the right dog.

Anything you have of hers
would be of help.

I've got a whole box.

Ooh! Would this taffeta night-cape do?

Yes. But a picture would do better.

[OBJECTS CLANKING]

Ah, yes.

Is this her natural hair?

Uh... ah, no. That's a wig.

Okay. And these spots...

would you say
they're more black or brown?

Brown, I think.

Oh, speaking of brown...

it's her gold-encrusted poop scoop.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Still smells like her.

How many pounds would you say she was...

- or take?
- She didn't like to say.

[GASPS] Ooh, do you wanna
see her bathing suit?

It's a six-piece. [GIGGLING]

Three little bras running down the front

for all her little tits!

I think I have all the
information I need.

Thank you. Now I must leave

in order to prepare.

Okay...

it seems my smoke pellets
are not working.

But imagine, if you will,
that I am leaving

in a puff of smoke.

[FLASHY MUSIC]

[COUGHING]

♪ ♪

Three more of these stupid gigs

and "Hou-dye-nee" gets his boat, baby.

[KNOCKING]

Taken.

Here we are. I have my assistant.

- And?
- And now I can open for you

like you said I could.

Oh. Of course.

Well, you're clear to do
five up top to open for me,

but... it's not like it's free.

- Have you heard of "pay to play"?
- Is that where an older neighbor

puts his finger in your underwear
and gives you a butterscotch?

No. That's called a "Glasgow salute."

- Oh.
- And it's caramel, not butterscotch.

We've got three packages.

NUMBER ONE: the New Faces, where I
bring you up for one quick trick.

NUMBER TWO: the Up & Comer,

where I say "nice job"
after you're done.

Or number three:
the Champagne Excelsior.

You get your own show, private venue,

fully nude, in front of
an audience of strangers.

As far as what goes down
in that theatre...

well, that's dealer's choice.

Let's go with number two.

Well, suit yourself.

[BEATRICE SIGHS]

- Oh, excuse me. Magic man?
- Yes?

Do you have the time?

[GASPS] Where's your watch?

- Very nice trick.
- ♪ Ta-da ♪

No, don't "ta-da." It
was not your trick.

- It was my trick.
- It was her trick.

She's my assistant, and it was my trick.

I can't believe it's only
costing me $400

to solve literally all my problems.

[WOLF HOWLS]

And that... that goes there...

and then that goes there,
and that means...

Oh, dear God.

It's right there, in front of their
faces, but they're too blind to see.

How can they explain the fact

that Mother has always been an adult?

[WHIMPERING] What does it mean?

What does it mean?!
What does it all mean?

This is it. I am Houdini's opening act!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the séance is about to begin.

But while Mr. Houdini is setting up,

first a simple act of escape...

from me, the Great Boozler.

- [LAUGHS]
- My assistant,

Elaine, will now bind me.

This is a regulation straightjacket.

Tie it tight.

I'm bored.

Mm. Does anyone like watching magic?

[LAUGHING BREATHLESSLY]

- Done!
- [CLEARS THROAT] And now...

the escape!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[WHISPERING] You have to pop
your shoulder out of the socket.

You're not the magician.

I am. Women are not magic. Except
that one thing where you can make

a human form inside of you.
That's really magic.

That Elaine is beautiful. [CHUCKLES]

[STRUGGLING]

Would anybody like to see a trick?

- No, thank you.
- Me, me!

Frederick, pick a number.

Ah... ooh, math was not my strong suit.

Uh... all right.

Is your number... seven?

I don't remember.

- It was seven!
- [LAUGHING] Wow!

[LAUGHS]

And for my next trick:

this is a normal tablecloth

and a normal table. Ready?

[JAZZY MUSIC]

[ALBERT STRUGGLING]

♪ ♪

[GASPS, SCREAMS]

[MOUTHS WORD]

Oh, I get it. It's Blanche.

[JAZZY TRUMPET FLOURISH]

[EERIE PIANO TUNE]

I just know the ghost is Mayor Cutie.

Oh. I wonder if having been bones

will change her love for them
in any way.

Thank you for joining me

at the table of the gods.

[STRUGGLING]

[WHISPERING] Can anybody else see her?

♪ ♪

[STRUGGLING, PANTING]

Shh, shh, shh. I hear something faint...

an ushering in
of the all-seeing spirits.

Now... anyone you'd like to see?

I want to see Mother.

She's right there.

Mother, it's me, Frederick.

- Can you hear me?
- Of course...

[SCREAMS]

Oh, wow. He is good.

[STRUGGLING]

Whoa!

- Garfield!
- [YELPS]

A supernatural presence
is close at hand.

I can feel it. Set the bait, boys,

set the bait.

Here is paté for the ghost-dog,

here is a wire hanger
for the ghost-baby.

Trio of home-baked macarons for...

[TOGETHER] Sticky Jonathan.

But Mr. Peepers, that's my best friend.

Other people will die.

You'll make friends with their ghosts.

Mr. Peepers,

how do you know so much about ghosts?

[MYSTICAL WOODWIND MUSIC]

Garfield...

♪ ♪

I've never told anybody
this story before,

but my great-great-great-grandpappy...

- was a ghost.
- [YELPS]

Yes, Garfield, I have ghost blood

coursing through me.
It is my family's eternal shame.

Is that why they call you Spiritwalker?

What? Oh, no, no. Don't be ridiculous.
They call me Spiritwalker

because I walk
with such great enthusiasm.

Observe.

[GLAMOROUS MUSIC]

Oh!

Oh, Mr. Peepers!

Mister... oh! Look out!

Mr. Peepers, look at you go!

[LAUGHING DELIGHTEDLY] Oh, my goodness.

[CHANTING GIBBERISH]

[SQUEALS] Oh, please be Mayor Cutie.

Please be Mayor Cutie!

- [SPEAKS GIBBERISH]
- [GASPS]

[ETHEREAL MUSIC]

[ALL GASPING]

Here comes... a being of smoky mystery.

- It's Cutie!
- The Major Cutie!

- No... Mayor Cutie.
- Mayor Cutie!

- [SQUEALING]
- Come!

- [GIGGLES]
- No, no! No!

If you touch that glass,

you will pierce the veil between worlds.

We will all surely perish.

I don't care about perishing!
That's my dog in there.

- ALL: No!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]

Ooh, I almost got my wrist free.

[HOUDINI AND BEATRICE GASPING]

Cutie!

You came back from doggy heaven.
[LAUGHING]

It's Cutie!

Wait a second.

This spot is painted on!

- Imposter!
- [GASPS]

You're a flimflam man!

Well, conjure complete.

I bid you adieu!

God damn smoke pellets.

[DRAMATIC STRING MUSIC]

- [GRUNTS]
- [GIRLS SCREAM]

Albert-kazam!

[FLASHY TUNE]

Take him away, officers.

Well, there was no spirit after all.

[GHOST TRAP RATTLING]

No spirit?

The trap has caught the specter!
Everybody follow.

[EERIE STRING MUSIC]

[STAMMERING] Ghost...

The ghost trap has been sprung!

The phantasm is among us. Stay back!

[GASPS] Ghost Mother, you
haunt me still!

Oh, Frederick, I'm not a ghost.

You just saw me downstairs.
Unholy wraith!

[ALL SHOUTING, g*nshots]

[MUFFLED] Holy Christ!

Mayor Cutie.

He-Devil speaks the name
of the white man's lord!

- [GRUNTS]
- [ALL SHOUT]

[GRUNTS, SHOUTS]

- Hi, Daddy.
- [SCOFFS]

I thought you were a real ghost.

Hello, family.

[EERIE ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

[GRUNTS IN PAIN]

I'm sorry I thought
you were a ghost, Mother.

Father was the ghost all along!

He's no ghost.

He's been living in the walls

like some sort of rat.

I built these walls.
I can live in them if I want to.

You'll do no such thing.

This is my house now.
You live here no more.

Shrew! [GRUNTS]

- [SCOFFS] What a rip-off.
- Bye, Daddy.

So, am I the ghost?

What should we call you?
Bark when you like one.

Councilwoman Snuggles.

Burgermeister Schlussi?

Ooh, Guadalupe Festiva.

- [DOG WHINES]
- Oh, you're right.

I'll just pretend you're Mayor Cutie.

[GIGGLING]

I'm so sorry I k*lled you.

♪ Ooh ♪

I hope I don't have to do it again.