We've been in the business
of horse distraction
for years, ever since
the invention of blinders.
That's right. Without
blinders, these horses
would be running around
like a bunch of maniacs.
So we applied this
very technology
to human beings.
Introducing the
first-ever
distraction-canceling
glasses.
Finally, a world
where you can focus
on the original thing
you were doing.
Can you see how much flights
are to visit my parents?
Yeah, sure, I'll,
uh, look online.
- Oh, what's this?
- Both: Freeze.
This poor guy doesn't
have a chance.
He's gonna end up
clicking on what the cast
of "Family Matters"
looks like right now.
Skateboarders racking
their balls on handrails.
Tigers who are
friends with bears.
Cats playing the piano.
Colorblind videos
where people put on
these special glasses
and they see colors
for the first time,
and they're so
overwhelmed by emotion
that they take
off the glasses
and then go like
this, like...
And everyone's crying.
[percussive music]
[glasses beeping,
whirring]
- Unfreeze.
- Whoa.
Oh, flights are pretty
cheap, actually.
It's about $ .
Distraction blinders
remove the distraction.
And it's not just
for the Internet.
Wedding invites that
get you thinking
about your own
pathetic life.
Freeze.
[glasses whir and beep]
Unfreeze.
Honey, we got invited
to a cool buffet party.
[upbeat music]
Huh?
[mumbles]
[mournful harmonica tune]
[spits]
♪ ♪
And these glasses
won't just shield you
from personal problems.
They can help shape
your worldview as well.
[upbeat music]
- Good afternoon.
- Hey.
- [siren wails]
- Cute dog.
And the world is a
brighter place too.
[Washed Out's
"Feel It All Around" playing]
[dreamy chillwave music]
Well, and that's
how we met,
right there on
the ol' TriMet
in the handicapped seat.
That is so romantic.
So how did you
guys meet?
[exhales] It's
a long story.
Uh, I'll have to
throw another round
of hot dogs on the fire.
Come on, Lance,
quit being a p*ssy.
Just tell the story.
Nina's the better
storyteller
in the family.
Okay, I'll do it.
It's like a fairy tale.
Picture it:
Portland, .
Just two cool guys
out on the prowl.
[ball clatters in pocket]
They didn't know where the
night was gonna take them,
and I didn't either.
- Nice.
- Two beers, please.
- How's it going?
- [scoffs]
Maintaining.
It's been a long
time since I, uh,
dug someone enough
to pull out on.
I get you.
[applause]
- What's that?
- It's a burlesque show.
We should check it out.
You like boobs, right?
I frickin' love boobs.
- Boobs.
- Boobs.
[rousing jazzy music]
[over speakers]
Salty Jazz Hands.
Salty Jazz Hands.
There she goes, rolling out.
Uh-oh, here they come.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this act is, uh,
magically delicious.
[sultry music]
♪ ♪
Who is that
gorgeous girl?
Oh, yeah, the
strawberry blonde.
No, no, no.
There's only one
girl up there,
the redhead.
[clicks tongue]
[dreamy orchestral music]
♪ ♪
[harp glissando]
♪ ♪
Uh, all right, there
we go. There we go.
[scattered applause]
Oh, baby.
And there they go.
Thank you, sweet,
sweet ladies.
Watch this.
♪ ♪
Ad-aca-bro-decks,
a-wham-wham-wham.
- [gasps]
- Oh, what?
[applause]
[muffled music thumping]
Hey.
I like your moves.
- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
Well, I've got more moves
than a furniture mover
on moving day after someone
sells their big house
and moves into a
bigger house.
Big's my middle name.
And my first
name's Lance,
so, uh, you can
call me Lance.
What should I call you?
My friends call
me Ballerina.
Well, since I plan on being
more than your friend,
I think I'll call you...
Nina.
Nina, my ballerina.
Oh, there you
go, Ballerina.
Uh, that's Derek,
my boyfriend.
Hang on just a second.
What's this?
Mm, buy yourself a...
a shave.
[coin flicks]
It's on me, baby.
Come on, darling.
Let's go.
It was a really
good show, I thought.
[moody orchestral music]
I told you, man.
You got to be careful.
Messing with a magician's
girl is dangerous.
I'm gonna pull
out on that woman
if it's the last
thing I do.
Can we pull out
on this story?
No. There's a lot more.
We're just at the tip.
[upbeat rock music]
- Amanda?
- Yes.
- Hi there. How are you?
- Amanda.
Amanda, nice
to meet you.
- I'm Gigi.
- I'm Phil.
- We spoke on the phone.
- Yes.
We are from
Standard Ceremonies,
Weddings Division.
[bell tolls]
- Cool.
- Why don't you talk to us?
Tell us what's happening.
So my fiancée
and I are...
are getting married here,
Memorial Day weekend.
I just need a little bit of
help planning the ceremony.
- Well...
- Uh-huh.
This seems like a
very standard place,
kind of forgettable, like
a million other weddings.
- That's what we do.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
- Now, um,
who's walking you
up the aisle?
- Uh, my dad.
- Okay, and, uh,
does he have a bum leg?
Does he sort of walk in a
lopsided, very slow way?
Oh, no. My dad is
very, very healthy.
Oh, really? Well, I
think at a wedding,
you need someone that's
either ill or injured.
It's... it's got to seem
like an incredible feat
that that person
is walking at all.
- [dramatic organ chord]
- [gasps]
It walks.
Do I just tell
my dad to pretend?
We don't want any pretending.
We could kind of do, like,
a Tonya Harding situation.
Oh, I... I'm not sure
I feel comfortable
with you injuring
my father.
Let's just say
that the muscle
in the Achilles tendon
is sometimes disconnected
during sleep.
I don't know, you guys.
Most of the time
it's reversible.
What are you
thinking for vows?
Oh, um, actually,
I wrote them.
[exhales]
Laura,
ever since that
first date...
I'm already so bored.
Which is good.
- She's giving you a compliment.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- Yes.
Now, this is
very important.
Oh, I have a
band already.
Can they see it
from the drones
that we're gonna have
flying overhead?
- Zip!
- Probably not.
You want it to
be big enough
so your relatives
can see it and go,
"Oh, my God.
Oh, that's beautiful."
So, rice.
Now, this is
controversial,
because we know that
this kills pigeons.
- Oh.
- But pigeons are flying...
- Meant to die.
- Yeah.
They have life spans.
Also, hey, pigeons,
why are you eating rice?
- Mm-hmm.
- Not your food.
Yeah, so do you have someone
that you would like
as a flower child
in your wedding?
- Yes, I have a niece.
- Well, we brought you
- these people.
- Oh.
You want someone
who's not able
to take command at all, so
that your guests are like,
"Why did they even
get him to do this?"
- Okay.
- Like... like, Silas,
go walk over that way.
Go walk that way.
Go over there.
You see how he doesn't
really take command?
Yeah. Is there any way to get
a family member in here?
I mean, I don't
know if your niece
can pull off stuff
like these guys.
Uh, probably not.
You know, she talks
throughout the whole wedding,
asking questions the
whole time, like,
[high-pitched mumbling]
[mumbling continues]
You don't think that'll steal
attention from the ceremony?
Oh, it's absolutely
gonna steal attention.
- Guess this is my wedding party.
- Both: Yeah.
Well, that was great. I
really liked this place.
Yeah, it's...
it's nice and sweet.
Too sweet, which is
just how I like it.
[chuckles]
Peter, look
what time it is.
hours from now,
it's breakfast.
- Breakfast.
- Breakfast.
Breakfast!
Steel-cut Irish oatmeal
with a little
maple syrup.
We can have coffee
and almond milk.
We can have rye toast or
wheat toast or sourdough.
- A little breadbasket.
- Breadbasket!
We can put the salt
and pepper here,
some sugar over here,
maple syrup, honey.
I can't wait
for breakfast.
Oh, me neither.
[inhales deeply]
- Look at that, just...
- Ow. Oof.
Stealing the...
oh, they stole the ATM.
Hey, I was thinking,
what if we just prepped the
kitchen for breakfast now?
I was thinking the
exact same thing.
- Let's do that.
- Yeah, okay.
[playful music]
- Okay.
- Okay, I'm gonna, um,
grind some coffee.
Here you go.
Oatmeal. How are we
doing on oatmeal?
Let's check.
Okay, we have a
couple weeks' worth.
[grinder whirring]
♪ ♪
I feel like a kid
in a candy store.
I know.
Me too.
This is like Christmas.
Uh, toast, please.
Yeah.
[stammering]
[exhales]
Let me just
practice coming in.
- I already...
- Good morning!
Good mor...
good morning.
Now, how many
steps is it?
One, two, three.
Nance?
The sooner we go to bed,
the quicker
breakfast comes.
Good night, breakfast.
Sleep well.
See you in the mañana.
[exhales]
Remember when that new
cupcake place opened up,
and then we asked if they
had any breakfast cupcakes?
And they were like,
"Yeah, that's a muffin."
- Yeah. Oh, it was so good.
- Yeah. Oh, so good.
You know what I would
love to do is...
is put a slideshow
together for our friends
of all our favorite
breakfasts.
The hard part is editing
the other ones out,
you know, because you can't
do all your breakfasts.
Yeah.
[both snoring]
[murmurs] Breakfast.
Hash browns...
[snorts]
[crickets chirping]
[clock ticking]
♪ ♪
[floorboards creaking]
♪ ♪
[giggles]
[stirring
orchestral music]
I bet this is
what heaven's like.
I bet in heaven, breakfast
is three times a day.
[snaps fingers]
Oh, so good.
♪ ♪
[both munching]
Mmm, mmm.
- So good.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- We're eating so fast.
- Yeah, we really are.
- I mean,
the next time we eat
breakfast is in...
- in hours, right?
- Yeah.
Would it be
better if we just
ate really slow
and took our time
so that this
can just last?
I think that's
a great idea.
All right.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
[upbeat rock music]
♪ ♪
So what happened next?
Yeah, that magician sounded
like a real douche.
Yeah, I loved Derek.
They were in love,
but I was in love too.
That's right.
Here's a knot, but...
no, it's not.
What happened there?
[applause]
I went to every show.
It made me feel
really special.
He was kind of a stalker,
the kind of
stalker I like.
What color would
you say that is?
Yellow.
Oh, look who
it is again,
Mr., uh, Every Show.
And what color is it now?
Red.
I was the president,
vice president,
and treasurer
of a one-man fan club.
- That's so sweet.
- No, no, no.
Those are for the lady.
Um, that's very
kind of you.
Uh, please...
That's when things got
a little complicated.
You... you got
to be kidding.
You know, you come to
every single show.
You come on to
my girlfriend,
and I'm telling ya,
I don't dig it.
I can't help that
I like, uh, magic.
Well, if you like
magic so much,
why don't you make
yourself disappear?
All right.
Can you dig it?
Wow.
[motor revs]
[upbeat rock music]
How'd you do that?
A biker never
reveals his secrets.
Wow.
How romantic.
It was just a beanstalk
that I wanted to climb.
Yeah, and I
was the giant.
- No, I'm the giant.
- Oh.
Nina, uh, are
you decent?
'Cause I got
somebody out here
who'd very much
like to meet you.
Okay.
- Is that a Komodo dragon?
- Komodo dragon?
No, it's a...
an American alligator.
This is going
into the act.
You don't think it seems
a little dangerous?
Mm... no.
What's the worst
that can happen?
[alligator snarls]
[dramatic sting]
Tell me.
See?
You're empty.
You got nothing.
[suspenseful music]
And now, if we dare,
we remove the muzzle.
[alligator growling]
No! No!
Oh! Oh, my God!
[crowd clamoring]
No, let go of him!
[slow-motion] Nina!
[alligator snarling]
[blood squelches]
[people screaming]
Seymour bit off
Derek's face that night.
That was really
disgusting.
Hey. I thought you
should eat something.
I brought two sandwiches.
I didn't know
whether you were
vegetarian or not.
I'll take a meat one.
I love meat.
I like connecting to my
animal nature, you know?
Definitely.
I'm sorry about Derek.
- It's so scary.
- Yeah.
I'm glad I could be here
for you, though.
I'm glad you're
here too.
And that's when we
started to fall in love.
- Who's first?
- You are. Go ahead.
♪ Believe me now
when I say ♪
That's really
nice of you.
♪ These words to you ♪
Thumb... w*r.
I got you.
♪ You have touched
the very heart of me ♪
We're on a ship.
♪ Girl, it's true ♪
He's stable.
You can come back
and see him now.
Derek!
Oh, it's a miracle.
Well, the good news is,
he's gonna live forever.
The bad news is, he
doesn't have a face,
and he's not gonna wake up
till he gets a new one.
- Oh.
- He's in a coma
until he gets a
face transplant.
Derek, don't worry,
I'll never leave
your side.
You're gonna have
to leave, actually.
Visiting hours are over.
What about us, Nina?
I mean,
I kind of thought we had
something, you know, special.
Lance, I'm sorry.
Derek has dibs.
All right.
Cool.
Peace out.
Derek, I'm right here.
It's Nina.
And the doctor's here,
and he said you
don't have a face.
Sorry, but you actually
do have to leave.
It's that hour now.
Can't I stay and
talk to him?
No, you can come
back and visit him
and not see his face
again tomorrow.
Bye, Derek.
[monitor beeps]
Uh, the next item
for discussion
is the library lawn.
As we all know,
it's not great
for the environment
to have grass.
And as this is a
public space,
we ought to be
leading by example.
Now, we're on a
very limited budget,
but we have assembled a
list of affordable options
for alternative
materials.
Just wondering, w... when
was this list compiled?
Last week, at our
previous meeting.
Oh, well, we didn't
get an invitation,
so we weren't there.
Uh, it was an
efficiency thing.
Well, I don't know
how it's efficient
to leave us out of
it, because now
you have to tell us
about the meeting.
And we're doing
that now.
Okay, well, before
I look at this list,
and I haven't looked
down at it yet,
my suggestion is:
Woodchips.
They don't require water.
You just chop
down a tree,
chip away at it...
hence the name.
Okay, if you
look at the list,
that is our first
item on it.
Yeah, but I didn't
see this list.
This came from
my own mind.
So for the purposes
of this meeting,
could we let everyone
know that it was my idea?
But it wasn't.
We could put a plaque in
to commemorate the
fact that he came up
with the woodchip idea.
Not gonna happen.
How about glass marbles?
They would not only be
environmentally friendly,
but they would long
outlast the woodchips.
I loved marbles
as a kid.
When you think
of kids playing,
that's what they're
playing, marbles.
I think it's the reason they
play hooky from school.
I think video games,
when I think kids today.
You said that we have
a limited budget.
We're gonna put video
games on the lawn?
- No, I'm just talk...
- How do we charge them?
Instead of a lawn,
it could just be
an extra lane for
the freeway.
You want another
lane of highway
right up next to
the building?
Yes, so we
reduce traffic
and we get rid
of this lawn.
But we're ten blocks
from the highway.
- Soon we'll be zero blocks.
- Imagine that.
People showing up
at this "li-berry,"
and they're... they... and is
it "li-berry" or "li-brary"?
- Library.
- Brary.
But "li-berry"
sounds so right.
That's what's so
misleading about it.
No, it makes you sound
like you're %, uh,
less intelligent.
There's no reason
to raise your voice.
I-I didn't
raise my voice.
You screamed
into my ear.
I-I haven't
moved, have I?
I haven't seen you move.
I'm just trying
to be helpful.
[softly] I don't give a sh*t
about the library lawn.
You think I give a sh*t?
But you guys wanted
to have this meeting.
You want these suggestions.
I have suggestions.
- I have a suggestion.
- Ma'am.
Why don't you two
move to Seattle?
I've been
suggesting for years
that Malcolm
move to Seattle.
Well, one thing
that we all do agree on
is that books are stupid.
So you rejected Lance
for a magician in a coma
with no face?
Not exactly.
It's not like you think.
Wow. This is
quite a story.
Oh, yeah, and we haven't even
gotten to the gory part yet.
Gory part?
Oh, it turns into
a real horror show.
I told you she
was trouble, man.
Antoinette, can
I get the check?
Where are you going?
Where am I going?
I'm going to save
face and get my girl.
Technically, I'm
gonna lose face,
but that's just
semantics.
Catch you later.
Let me get
this straight.
You want me to give
your face to Derek
- so he can live?
- That's right.
But you'll be in a coma
until you can get
a face transplant
yourself.
Most people wait the
rest of their lives
waiting on the face list.
Lance, you can't go
through with this.
Nina, I want you
looking at this face
for the rest
of your life.
If that means I have to be in
a coma for that to happen,
I'm willing to
take that risk.
Oh, Lance, you're...
you're my hero.
[tender music]
♪ ♪
[kisses]
[monitor beeping]
Let's do this.
One thing.
Don't mess up
this moustache.
Copy that.
So wait.
You're Derek?
No, no, wait. Get ready
for the abracadabra.
[dramatic music]
[ventilator hissing,
monitors beeping]
♪ ♪
[device whirring]
♪ ♪
Oh, gross.
My poor Lance.
My poor Lance?
[soft music]
He... he's who I want...
not faceless Derek.
Doctor, Doctor!
Doctor?
I'm sorry, I can't hear
you through the glass.
Can you put his
face back on?
Put his face
back on, please?
I'm sorry, but
I've got to...
I've got to do the laser...
the face right now.
No, thank you.
I want it back
on him again.
I want Lance.
You're very
understanding.
I really appreciate it.
[flesh squelching softly]
You... you sure
it's right?
♪ ♪
[upbeat orchestral
flourish]
Then I could see your whole
skull and everything.
That's great.
Well, your chart
looks pretty good,
but I'm sorry
we weren't able
to take care of that
moustache business for you.
You... I would've rather
had you put my
face on inside out
than not have
a moustache.
Look, I agree, for the
symmetry of your face,
you need a moustache.
I'm not arguing with
you about that.
But it's not up to me.
I'm a doctor.
I can do this kind
of transplant.
I can do lots of different
kinds of surgery,
but I can't do anything
involving hair.
Well, thank you
for that, Doctor.
♪ ♪
Okay.
[dramatic music]
You didn't hear
this from me.
There's a boat that comes
into international waters
every couple of years.
You're in luck.
This very month, it's coming
off the coast of Oregon.
Think the City of Hope, but
this is the City of Hair.
I can put hair anywhere
on the human body
that you want it, but you
got to play ball with me.
You can't tell
anybody about it.
But I'm gonna need an
imprint of that card today.
- Thank you, Doctor.
- You're welcome.
Are you ready
to set sail?
Lance, it seems
worth it to me.
You know, there's a really cool
magic trick I heard about.
Yeah, what is it?
It's where I make
your penis disappear.
[gentle orchestration]
♪ ♪
[loud slapping]
Turns out that that gator
kept me from making
the biggest mistake
of my whole life.
This is a seriously
[bleep]-up story.
Yeah, what
happened to Derek?
Yeah, he's, uh,
still waiting for a face.
Yeah, we keep him
up in our attic,
connected to a
bunch of machines.
That's why our electricity
bill is so high.
[electricity crackles]
This fire's so
nice, isn't it?
[sighs] Yeah.
It's, uh...
Should we make s'mores?
[Derek groans]
[monitor beeping]
♪ So I give my
love to you ♪
♪ Baby, yeah ♪
You're distracting me.
I know.
Keep your eyes
on the road.
- It's hard.
- I bet it is.
If I put my leg... ow!
[bleep]!
God damn it.
What... why is
that so hot?
It's the engine.
I just b*rned
my [bleep] leg.
♪ Ain't nobody, baby ♪