08x09 - Long Way Back

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Portlandia". Aired: January 2011 to March 2018.*
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Comedy skits about various offbeat fictional characters in Portland, Oregon.
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08x09 - Long Way Back

Post by bunniefuu »

Headlines this morning:

corporations dodge billions in taxes

through loophole...

- Hey, good morning.
- Hey.

Looks like you have the
weight of the world

on your shoulders there.

Who doesn't right now?

- I don't.
- How?

Well, it's kind of like letting go.

But Fred, this is the time

we're supposed to participate,
we're supposed to step up.

No, just try to stop understanding

what's wrong, what's right.

The less you care,
the happier you'll be.

Top reasons to be outraged this week.

[MELLOW, FUNKY MUSIC]

♪ Ice caps are meltin' day by day ♪

BOTH: ♪ But some deny it's true ♪

♪ Drought, famine, flood,
and fear and w*r ♪


♪ To tune out the news ♪

BOTH: ♪ Let's give up ♪

♪ Let's just give up now ♪

♪ We can't keep up, give it up now ♪

♪ Nap all day ♪

♪ Let's nap in sunshine ♪

♪ Not depressed, love my naps, yeah ♪

Come on, Skippy.

There you go.

[DOG WHINES] Walk yourself.

♪ ♪

♪ Wore the same clothes as yesterday ♪

♪ My sweater has a stain ♪

♪ I'm just too tired to read or write ♪

♪ I'll binge TV tonight ♪

♪ With the press of a button ♪

♪ The hunger goes away ♪

BOTH: ♪ Let's give up ♪

♪ Let's all give up now ♪

♪ Quit Facebook, not startin' Snapchat ♪

♪ We can't keep up, give it up now ♪

♪ I'm using paper
plates on every holiday ♪

Eh, don't bother.

♪ I'm having juices delivered ♪

♪ At four times the rate ♪

- ♪ Let's give up ♪
- ♪ Life hacks and shortcuts ♪

♪ Rules for living well ♪

- ♪ Let's give up, baby ♪
- ♪ They sold us on heaven ♪

♪ But why does it feel like hell? ♪

- ♪ Let's give up, baby ♪
- ♪ Nothing left to say ♪

♪ And nothing left to lose ♪

♪ I can give up on me,
but I won't give up on you ♪

♪ There's something
that we can do together ♪


_

♪ There's something that we can do ♪

♪ Let's give up ♪

[expl*si*n BOOMS]

[WHEELS ROLLING AGAINST GRAVEL]

[BIRD SQUAWKING]

[ELECTRIC GUITAR SQUEALS]

- Gate is nice and creaky.
- Yeah.

[GATE CREAKS]

Can you believe all this food?

I-I love it, it's so good,
although I don't know

if I like good food better
than bad food, honestly.

Who throws out cupcakes?

I-I say let's take some of this home.

Uh, do we need a doggy bag?

Let's just take the
whole can home, baby!

- Let's just take it.
- Yeah.

- All right, ready?
- Yep.

- You're not pushing.
- Are we pushing or pulling?

- I'm pushing.
- I'm pulling.

We're rats. This thing is enormous.

Looks like you're pretending to push.

No, pull, pull!

ALL: Whoa!

No!

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

[GATE CREAKS]

♪ ♪

[ECHOING] Jacqueline!

[SIGHS, GROANS]

- Jacqueline?
- Yes?

You didn't pull in the
garbage can, did you?

I did not.

I can't find it.

Maybe it rolled down
the street or something.

It wasn't windy or anything, was it?

What if one of the neighbors took it?

Oh, yeah.

♪ ♪

See anything?

I see a bicycle and a cooler.

No trash can.

Anything, Vince?

No, I just see a rake
and gardening tools.

Why don't we just get another one

from the sanitation department?

Vince, we-we have to solve this.

♪ ♪

Excuse me.

Uh, have you noticed
anything strange recently?

Anything, uh, weird?

No.

[DOG BARKS]

How about this house, Vince?

Why is that fence so high and obscuring?

It's like they... maybe they take things

and hide them.

Like our trash can.

[BOTH GRUNTING AND GROWLING]

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Well, I like this part of town.

Yeah, good neighborhood.

Here we go.

So it's a studio. Uh, plenty of room.

Little kitchenette area.

Mm. Is there a bathroom?

Uh, yes, right...

[DRAMATIC STRINGS SWELL]

- How much is this place?
- Fifteen hundred a month.

It just seems like a
lot for this small space.

Totally understandable. Uh, let's see.

Got another option.

Which neighborhood?

Any neighborhood you like.

- Okay.
- Okay? I got you.

What do you think?

[UPLIFTING PIANO MUSIC]

- Oh, the car.
- Uh-huh.

So what would you consider this?

Is it like... like,
bedroom-bathroom-wise?

One bedroom. One living room.

This would be the living room.

And your-your bed...

♪ ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

[SEAT CRANKING]

And then when you sleep, you just...

[TOY BOX MELODY TWINKLING]

♪ ♪

And you can nod off, and then, you know,

and then when someone
asks you to move...

[HORN HONKS]

Just look at this. Look how modern.

Mm. We're in the future.

- Is there a kitchen?
- Yes.

So, this, see this, um, cup holder?

You can put your coffee in there

and put your...
store, if you buy a sandwich,

you can put it here, or a burrito.

People are buying burritos these days.

No, uh, alcohol on the premises.

- Very, very important.
- All right.

Remember, your house can k*ll people.

Well, let's show you the rest.

Well, here's something
that's really nice.

We have a little outdoor shower.

Come on!

I-I get it.

[LAUGHS]

But a small, like, stream of water...

There's windshield
wiper fluid in it as well.

- So the soap is mixed in?
- The soap is mixed in.

All right, yeah, I mean...

Yeah, I like it! It's up to you.

Uh, we got plenty of closet space.

You could hang up your clothes
there and right over here.

And then we've got entertainment.

Whoa. [LAUGHS]

It's a little awkward looking.

It's a romance.

Feels like an invasion of privacy.

Look at that. Crystal clear.
Really nice. Huge screen.

Oh, it's very clear.

Do you want me to change it?

- Can you?
- Yeah.

[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC]

Ugh. I love Wachowski movies.

I think I'm gonna move
to a cheaper city.

- Hi!
- Hi.

How you doin'? Good to see you.

Hi, baby. Do you remember me?

I'm your... I'm your doctor.

Can you say "pediatrician"?

Pediatr... no, he's not gonna say it.

He looks great.

I-I looked at his chart, and his...

weight is great, and he's feeding well.

- Yeah.
- It's all positive news.

I'm gonna see you one more time
when you're , then that's it.

We do have one little bit of worry.

- Yeah.
- What's wrong?

He's not doing any bits.

- Like comedy bits?
- Mm-hmm.

I saw one time a baby do
a "stick 'em up" thing,

but he didn't do it, like...
stick 'em up.

Stick 'em up.

- Hey, does he do accents?
- We tried.

[IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] Scotland.
Scottish baby.

How is he with pr-props,
as you can tell?

No prop work. Hello?

- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, it's for you.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

I mean...

Okeydoke. Just no...

Let's-let's see how
he responds to jokes.

- Mm-hmm.
- All right?

I just went on a pleasure trip.

I took my mother-in-law to the airport!

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

Maybe it's too old a reference, or...

How does he compare to
other kids his age?

Everyone's different.
Everyone develops differently.

Like, look at this baby.

[LAUGHS]

You have to laugh at this.

Yeah, he's now, like, a wise...
wiseacre type.

He's, like, saying,
"If you think this food's bad,

check out what my brother's eatin'."

It could go the other way too.

This baby, the parents are scared.

This is what I call kitchen sink humor,

'cause the baby does so much shtick...

- He's a clown.
- A clown.

And we don't want a clown.

I would be lying if I
said I wasn't concerned.

I am a little concerned.

What do you recommend, Doctor?

You know what? Maybe
I'm old-school. Gum.

I'd like to see a baby
like that chew some gum.

As much gum as he can fit in,
and then go one more.

Now he's got gum in his...
in his cheeks.

Three months from now, he's doing

a "Godfather" impression.

[SLAP BASS WALKS] [LAUGHTER]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]

[UPBEAT LO-FI MUSIC]

ALL: ♪ The dream of the
' s is alive in Portland ♪

♪ The dream is Ali-i-ive ♪

♪ ♪

Hey, check it out.

I've been wanting a
new drum for a while.

That's rad, man.

[HORN HONKS]

[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]

Do you guys have, like, ¢? Do you...

BOTH: Do you? Do you?

♪ ♪

[BOTH MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ ♪

[TIRES SCREECH, HORN HONKS]

Hey, it says "don't walk"!

Can't you read?

♪ ♪

Hey, there, guys.

Hey, do you have a-a dollar?

No. I don't have a dollar. I'm a cop.

- You're a cop?
- Yes.

They redesigned our uniforms.

[LAUGHS]

Gotta get you guys to move on.

Ah, you're just pushin' us around.

- Hmm?
- I don't care. We'll move on.

How am I gonna get this up the hill?

No, man, just leave it.
Smells like trash.

Aww. Bye, can.

[WIND HOWLS]

Okay, sweetheart, tuck in.

Here we go.

That's a good girl. Get Mr. Bear.

So, Madeline, we are gonna try

something a little
different tonight, okay?

We are gonna try sleeping
with the lights off.

You're old enough to
be very, very brave.

If you can't sleep, I
want you just to grab

your colors, coloring books, okay?

Do some coloring. All right?

- Okay.
- Good girl.

Good girl. Night-night.

[UPLIFTING MUSIC FADES]

[EERIE WHISPERING]

[DISTANT BANGING]

- [GROWLS]
- [GASPS]

[BOTH GROWLING]

- [SCREAMS]
- [EVIL LAUGHTER]

Mom!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Can't see anything.

It's hard to see with
all the bushes and trees.

There. Do you see our trash can?

Oh. They have a grill.

Should we get a grill?

Mom!

Honey, honey! Whoa, hi.

What's going on?

I saw something.

There's two of them.
I think they're monsters.

I've never seen anything like it.

- Okay, okay...
- It was, like, two of them!

Madeline. Madeline. Lie down. Lie down.

What did I say if you felt afraid?

What should you do?

- Color.
- Did you color?

- No.
- Okay.

Well, then, there you go.

Color me a nice,
beautiful picture, okay?

- But I saw something!
- You're so brave.

Mm. You are the bravest.

[MAKES KISSING SOUND] Night-night,
sweetheart.

[DOOR CLICKS SHUT]

I like those windows up there.

You know, it reminds me
of that necklace I had.

It was just like... like that.
[ BLADE SWISHES]

- Oh, the tight one.
- Yeah, it was like that.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[GROWLING] You're next!

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

[GROWLING] Your mom can't save you now!

- Burning in hell!
- !

- You're next!
- [LAUGHING]

♪ ♪

You know, it's so dark.

Maybe we shouldn't just...

if we could just see into the yard.

I'm just gonna use the
lights on my phone.

Oh, that's a great idea.

[MONSTER GROWLING]

♪ ♪

[WHISPERING] Oh, my gosh.

She slept in.

Oh, my goodness.

Honey. Rise and shine, sweetheart.

Honey?

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

What is...

Oh, my gosh.

What are... " "...

[EVIL LAUGHTER]


Honey...

we'll get her a night light.

Thank you so much for coming in

to talk to us about your job,
we appreciate it.

All right, you guys.

Next up, we have two people

who some would call "entrepreneurs,"

so give it up for Fred and Carrie!

Hi, guys.

- Hi!
- Welcome!

- Thanks.
- So happy to have you.

Hi. Hey, everyone.

We work in something
called the gig economy.

You guys know about being self-employed?

Yeah, so some people
call this the gig economy

or the sharing economy.

We're kind of like digital nomads.

Okay, you want to write that down?

"Digital nomads"?

There is an app called Lifer.

A job comes in on the app,

and I do things like
drive people to work

or pick people up from a
bar and take them home.

Or deliver food.

Whatever the app tells us to do, we do.

Yeah, I'm my own boss, but also,

this is kind of my boss too.

Hi, you have a question?

- Does Lifer pay for your gas?
- Nope.

Lifer does not pay for my gas.

I pay for my own gas
because I'm a grown-up.

I'm an adult.

- Any questions?
- Yes?

How many hours a day do you work?

I love this question.

"How many hours a day." Twenty?

Twenty-two?

Yeah, it's awesome because
we make our own hours.

You're raising your hand a lot.

What will happen when
there's self-driving cars?

We'll still have a job because

the self-driving car
will pull up to a house,

but someone still needs
to get out of the car

and bring the pad Thai to the door.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES] Sorry.

I'm getting the same one, me.

Oh, look at this address.
That's here, isn't it?

Who's ordering pizza?

Oh, you-you ordered pizza?

Oh, well, we're gonna have to go get it.

I am gonna run out and
get you guys some pizzas.

- Thank you.
- I'll be right back.

- Thank you for coming.
- All right.

For sharing. Thank you.

All right, next up, we have a gentleman

who writes recaps
for TV shows... online!

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Oh, look, Tuck and Patti
just wrote an email.

"Need a loan. a*t*matic payment, sex.

Click link for need."

Nuh-uh. Don't click on it, Peter.

- Why not?
- They clearly got hacked.

Our friends are asking us
to click a link for need!

That's the worst thing
we could do, Peter.

Nance, someone...
someone worked really hard.

You've gotta create a link.

You've gotta put it in
the body of an email.

It... that's a lot of hard work,
and we're just ignoring it.

- Peter.
- All right.

Nance? How come we never get hacked?

I don't know, hon.

Maybe they just think we're boring.

If we get hacked, w-w-what do you...

what do you think they'll find?

Well, you've taken all those photos

of the scones you love eating.

Yeah, but d-don't they...
d-d-d-don't they...

don't they want something more exciting?

Like what, Peter?

[WHISPERING] Nude.

You know, like, nude...
nude, you know...

The what?

N-naked nudie pics.

A nakie noodle-oo? Peter!

- Yeah!
- No.

I don't think it's about nudes.

If-if they uncover a picture
of my-my-my pud or my thigh,

Th-this way,
at least it's something that's exciting.

That's what they're looking for.

I don't want to waste...
waste their time.

We want these to be...
to be the kind of pictures

that people who love p*rn,

even they'll say, "This
is too much for me."

Heavy nudity.

Yeah, we want the kind of photos

where someone looks at them
and-and they say out loud,

"Jackpot."

Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

Sh-should I s-smile? Nance?

[SWANKY FUNK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[MUSIC STOPS]

♪ ♪

They're gonna find these.

Maybe we'll act like we don't want...

You're gonna need a bigger lens.

♪ ♪

What's wrong, Peter?

Well, it's... I'm just...

it's frustrating because we...

we still h-haven't been hacked.

Well, Peter, the hackers are busy.

You know, they have a
whole world to hack.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I'm just being selfish.

I just... maybe there's some way

we could help them or something.

You know, maybe there is something

we could do.

[LAPTOP CHIMES]

Oh, damn!

It looks like... Peter
and Nance got hacked!

[MOANS]

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]

- Hey!
- Trash!

Trash can. Starboard.

Okay, bring it in.

A-O, river!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Nance? I can't find my wife.

Nance?

I'm right here by this
black garbage can.

Said there was valet parking,
but I couldn't find anybody.

Cacao!

[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

- I'm Bryce!
- I know.

- You're Lisa!
- Are you okay?

♪ ♪

Hold up! I'm stopping. [TIRES SCREECH]

[WHISTLE TRILLS] That means I'm stopped!

Bicycle rights!

BOTH: No Olympics in Portland!
No Olympics in Portland!

- Huh.
- Huh. All right.

Lean with me.

We're getting pretty good at this.

One, two, three, four, five... uh...

What do we do with this?

Does this stay with the house?

Uh, no, let's put it on the bike.

- Does it even belong to her?
- Yeah. Let's take it.

All right.

[MELLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Where does this trash can go? That one?

- I think it's this one.
- Thought it was this house.

- Are you sure?
- Wait, now I'm confused.

Well, it's got a skull on it.

Probably goes to the scary house.

[EERIE TWINKLING MELODY]

[BIRD SCREECHES]

♪ ♪

What is it?

Jacqueline, when did our
garbage can go missing?

Do you remember that?

It was... it was before Lugosi was born.

It must have been eight years ago.

I think this is it!

- No.
- It's gotta be.

Because there's the skull, and remember,

we painted it on the side?
That's exactly it.

That's so strange. How
would it get back here?

It's been so long.

It's alive as we are dead.

- [BELL RESOUNDS]
- Farewell, bin.

May your spirit as the undead

roll around the world for eternity.

You roamed around the city,
and the people came,

and they threw more trash into you,

and your burden grew heavier.

I have to do a quick
thing for the family.

Sorry.

[GROWLING INDISTINCTLY]

...garbage canister...

[GROWLS INDISTINCTLY]

I guess there really is no good way

to say good-bye after all these years.

[STIRRING STRING MUSIC]

So we wish you the best.

- [SCREECHES]
- [GROWLS]

[DANZIG'S "LONG WAY BACK FROM HELL"]

♪ ♪

♪ So it's a long way back ♪

♪ From hell ♪

♪ And you don't wanna go with... ♪

♪ Me! ♪

♪ ♪
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