08x10 - Rose Route

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Portlandia". Aired: January 2011 to March 2018.
Comedy skits about various offbeat fictional characters in Portland, Oregon.
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08x10 - Rose Route

Post by bunniefuu »

Uh-huh, so that's just for the nose job.

Oh! The cheeks as well.

Oh, that seems more reasonable.

All right, I'll call you back.
Thank you. Hi, Sam!

- Sir.
- You wanted to talk to me about...

Uh, the marathon. The Portland
Marathon is this weekend.

Ah, you know I love a marathon!

Starting with the logo for the race...

- Oh.
- You'll see the runner

and the globe, 'cause
we're a global city.

- I love it!
- Yeah.

For those that finish the race,
they get this coin.

Oh, I love a novelty coin.

And just the last little
detail here is the route.

- Hate it.
- What?

Everything else you brought
me filled me with excitement,

but this... this...

I mean, from a bird's eye view,

it looks like a soggy cereal flake.

No, no, no, let's forget
this amorphous shape.

And let's give this city a route

they can really appreciate.

Let's make the route a blooming rose!


Toni, I don't understand.

You're just gonna leave me all
alone here in Portland? Why?

Candace, I'm just gone for a few days.

You're gonna be fine.

I'm not gonna be fine.

- Are you gonna miss me?
- Of course.

I'm gonna think about you
every second of every minute

of every hour of every single day, Toni.

That is really scary and very sweet,

but try to focus on
something else, okay?

- Bye.
- Bye, Toni, bye! Good-bye!


Oh, hi, Dolly You're Dolly?


You're my new best friend!


You look a little bit different

from your Airbnb profile photo.

Oh, that's Cate Blanchett.

My sister told me that she
didn't live in Portland!

Well, your sister's a
stupid idiot, come on.

You got wheels on that, right?


This is so lovely. Thank you so
much for letting me stay here.

It's my pleasure.

I can't wait to share my life with you

and to become entwined
with you at every level.

Well, I'll just... just
be here for a week.

Okay. You really are fit, aren't you?

How do you stay in shape
to run these marathons?

What I do is really just
focus on being positive

and then I just see running as
an extension of my optimism.

Like all of life! I just relish it.

Wow, that's fascinating.

The only thing I'm positive about

is how dumb , % of human beings are.

I'm telling you, if I didn't
carry so much hate in my heart

for humanity, I'd be d*ad.

It gives me a reason to wake up.

I don't really see...
see the use in anger.

I... I like to see the good...

I just want to take wallpaper
paste and gift wrapping paper

and just put it over everyone's face.

Don't you ever feel like that?


Well, let me poison and corrupt you.



Less than five horrific
things have happened

in the last hours.

I know, so stressful.

Look at my skin.

I know, me too.



"Long distance running
shown to alleviate stress."

Did you read this?

- Yeah, I saw it earlier.
- Huh.

Hey, isn't the Portland
Marathon coming up?

I think so.

What if we tried that?

Yeah, we could.

I don't think you just jump into that.

We might need, like, a trainer.


All right, I can look
one up, I just, ah,

I really need to pop this zit first.


Ow! Ow!

There you go, Sam. Just
the way you like it.

Thank you, sir.

Now, in order to
complete the Rose Route,

we're gonna need to close
down Mohawk Street

between Colombia and Lombard.

We're also gonna need...

Look, I'm sure we can all agree

on how creative and beautiful

a rose-shaped running route is,

but in order for you to gain access,

we're gonna have to get
something in return.

This is a quid pro quo situation, sir.

Ah, yes.

Look, they're building this monstrosity

right in our backyard.

The neighborhood doesn't
need another condo.

Lose this,

and you'll get access to the
streets for your marathon.



We would be losing a lot
of brunch business.

What if we diverted a
block over, to Michigan?

If you stop this construction,

I think Michigan would work.

They say it depends on who
the Trailblazers are playing.

It's gonna be hard to get
tickets for Golden State,

but definitely for Sacramento.

We'll take the Blazers tickets.

And there's this big apartment complex

- going in on...
- No more condos. You got it!

Dan, this is great.

Good morning.

Who wants a little delicious breakf...



Isn't it kind of early for
a game of hide and seek?

Dolly! Dolly!

[SOBBING] Your breakfast
is ready, Dolly!

It's me, Candace, your best friend!




Let's start off real simple.

How about a, uh...

Just a jog in place?

Okay? Ready? Go!

Okay, great. Great, great, great.

I'm gonna be honest with you.

Carrie, you have a
natural runner's gait.

I mean, you look like a
gazelle when you move.

And I see a lot of potential in you.

Fred, I don't think that
running is for you.

So I encourage you to just take

the whole idea of personal fitness,

and just throw it out the window.

- Cool.
- Thank you.

So what I like to do with new clients

is just see what your fitness goals are.

I guess we've just become
news junkies, basically.

- And it's very stressful.

So we're looking to get
in shape, but also

to try to find something
else to focus on...

- aside from the news.

And we were thinking
that we could work up

to running the Portland Marathon.

- Wow!
- Mm-hmm.

Well, I think that
with enough hard work,

- and one on one time, Carrie...
- Mm-hmm.

And I can get you there.

- That's great.
- And me too?

Yeah, I don't know, I'm not sure.

One thing you should know
about us is that we...

don't love sustained physical activity.

That is actually really common.

So how do people run marathons, then?

Um, have you ever had a runner's high?


Well, if you push
yourself hard enough...

- Mm-hmm.
- And long enough...

The bod just takes you
to a whole other place.

And all those feelings
of stress, pain, worry,

all those distractions,
they just start to melt away

with every bead of sweat.

And you know what's left?



I want that.

I want to give it to you.


- What?
- Turkey!

It's d*ad.

Whoa, the whole country?

Oh, no. "A turkey."

I'm so sorry. I alarmed everybody.

"A turkey is d*ad."


Just one more piece of the puzzle, Sam!

This bridge completes the Rose Route.

Now, we are prepared to offer...

There's only one thing I really want.

Anything, anything. Just ask.

How 'bout you stop building
ugly condos in my sightline.

Morrison Bridge is yours.


♪ ♪


Hey, Candace, oh my God!

There's the most brilliant loop to
run over that way. Have you done it?

Do you know how long I've
been looking for you?

- I made you breakfast...
- Oh.

Out of the goodness of my own budget.

With my hands!

Do you think I enjoy making
breakfast for other people?

- No.
- I do!

But, honey, when you say
you're gonna be there,


have to be there!

I'm... I'm really sorry
if I've upset you.

I just, um...

I train in the mornings,

but if you wanted to,
we could hang out this evening,

I have to get up early in the morning,

since it's the marathon.

But I'm so sorry.

Apology accepted.

I've got to have a shower.
Are we friends?

- We are best friends.
- Good.

But I enjoy being angry,

so you can go inside, shower,
do whatever you need,

but I'm just gonna yell
at an imaginary you.

Okay, lovely.

As a guest?

Oh, and you prancing around

like you're the queen of the world!

Well, you're not!

- No!
- Candace, I'm so sorry.

- Where are the towels?
- The blue cabinet.

Oh, okay. Thanks.

Do I look like I'm smiling? Huh?

Up, up, good, good.
Looking good, Care-bear.

- Thank you.
- Hey, Bailey.

I'm not getting that runner's high.

I was thinking I'd love the
feeling of not running anymore

and just looking at my phone.

Yeah, do whatever you want, pal.

Hey, Carrie, how are you feeling?

From here, it's looking good.
It's all working.

I don't have a runner's high,
but yeah, I feel... I feel great.

All right, well, let me know
if you want some champagne.

Yeah, maybe!

It's high in sugar,
but it's half a cheat day.

- You've earned it.
- Wow, okay. Cool.

You know, if you wanted,

I could put an extra inch
or two on your glutes.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- So we could start today.
- Let's!

- Good.
- All right, you ready?

- Uh, yeah.
- Yeah.

- It's me and you.
- All right.


God, you look so graceful.

Hey, I'm working out!


Two blocks on Sandy.


All right then, well...

The Portland Rose Route, Sam.

- We did it!
- Wow.



I hope you like your dinner.

Yes, I've never had
bread-crusted ravioli

filled with pasta and with potatoes
on the side before. Thank you.

I heard that runners need their carbs.

- I have a fun idea.
- Mm-hmm?

Let's gossip.

Oh, I don't... I don't think
we know the same people.

Just dish some dirt on
someone you know from home,

even if I don't know them.

- Um...
- Go on, anything.

sh**t, go, do it, give me something.

Okay, um, one of my
friends got, um, divorced

- two years ago.

No. Was it violent? You can tell me.

- Was he hitting her?
- Goodness, no!

- No, no...
- Was she hitting him?

No, absolutely not;
they're still very good friends.

They just got divorced.

You don't have anything mean
to say about anyone, do you?

Nothing negative at all.
Is there something wrong with you?

No, I just... I don't really see
the point in anger, or resentment.

I... I don't know how
you got through life

being that way.

Well, I should, um...
I should go to bed.

I've got to get up at : .
I've set the alarm.

No, no, don't worry about that.

I'm up at : in the morning.

- Oh, okay.
- I'll be up before you.

- Oh.
- I'll wake you up.

Oh, that would be great, thank you.

Can I brush your hair
as you go to sleep?



♪ ♪

Hey, there you are.

Hey, whoa, what's all this stuff?

I know it looks stupid,
but I just figured

this is gonna be like a long flight.

I've got a bunch of
movies on here, right?

"Sully," got a couple of podcasts here,

one about the opioid crisis.

Some news feeds on my wrist phones.

Also my heart rate's gonna
be right over here,

so you... I need you to read it for me,

'cause I can't see it from here.

- What about you? You ready?
- Yeah!

- Hi!
- There you are!

Hey. I was wondering where you were.

How you feeling?

Little better now that you're here.

So are you ready to run
with the rest of my bitches

- and catch that runner's high?
- Wait, what?

Hey, look, I gotta do my rounds, okay?

But I will be back to check on you.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Go get 'em out there.

I can't wait to see you glisten.

- Do you have a shirt for me?
- Nah, I didn't bring any more.

See ya!

Oh my God, look at you.
Flex it, flex it!


That's good. [LAUGHS]

ladies and gentlemen!

Welcome to the Portland Marathon!

You're still a little tight.
A little tight.

May I have your attention, please?

This route, as you can see...

Today, we have this beautiful,
rose-shaped route

for you to run.


Oh, all right.




Mr. Mayor, Mr. Mayor.

Sam? Aren't you running in the race?

Uh, no, no.

The Morrison Bridge, it's out.
It's cancelled.

- What?
- We can't use it.

No. Why?

Uh, cargo ships...
they needed access to the river.

It just happened.

No, no, no, no!

We need the bridge to
complete the rose shape.


♪ ♪

No, oh no, oh no.

Well, what do you feel like doing today?

It's the marathon, Candace!

Are you still gonna go to that?

Of course I am! You know that.

What's wrong with you?

Fine, well, I'll give you a
ride to the starting line.

No, I don't want anything more from you.

I think that you did this on purpose!

I... I think that you're bitter,

I think you're nosy,

and I think that you're mean.




♪ ♪


Hurry, Sam!

We must protect this rose!

Look out, everybody!

Great stride!

All right, get out there, get out there.

Go on, Roxy. Get it!


Did you know rose petals are gold medals

but, uh, for the heart?

That's stupid.

No, I didn't... I totally
didn't know that.

Oh, really? There's so
much you haven't heard of.

I'm gonna take a picture
of you so you can use it

as a dating profile pic,
because you do look good sweaty.

Oh, yeah, well, I probably need one.

'Cause I need to find some...
someone new today, right?

What? Did someone break
up with you, sweetie?

No, what do you mean?

Lookin' good, Sally.

Yeah, like, you're like...

two times six timing me,
I mean, like, whatever.

I'm stupid. Just... I have to end
this, this is... I'm moving on!

No, no, no, no, no,
Carrie, don't move on!

- I need you.
- Fred?


♪ ♪

Morrison is out.
We have to change the route.

♪ ♪

Car coming through.


Have you seen Dolly?

[SOBBING] Dolly!

Where are you? Excuse me!




I didn't even know this existed.


Oh, yes.

♪ ♪

I haven't been here in a long time.

♪ ♪

Long time.

Sir... sir, the runners are
gonna be here any minute.

Let's go.

♪ ♪


What is this?

Oh, you have no idea.

It smells.

Oh, yeah, that's her smell.

We're very close.

♪ ♪


♪ ♪



♪ ♪


Well, hello, Mayor.

We don't intend to stay very long.

I'm here...

Oh, I know why you're here.

The question remains, do you?


♪ ♪


Ugh! Carrie, this is too heavy.
Screw this!

Fred, I can't... I can't go on.

I definitely want to stop,

but we're halfway there!

Okay, well, it's gonna suck!

I know, but hey, look,
we're in it together, okay?

Okay. Okay! Let's go.

Dolly, it's me!

I thought about what you said.

I want to apologize!

Turn around and look at me!

Go away!

- Get in!
- No!

Dolly! This is private
between me and her! Dolly!

I'm sorry!

Where are you going?


Oh, you can have the bridge!

I'm just gonna need a
little something in return.

Let me guess, no more condos?


You know how long I've been down here?

The whole city is a condo
to me, Mr. Mayor.

The key, now.

Don't you think that it's
time that we got back

to how things used to be?


Damn it!

Sam, step outside.



♪ ♪

I need this bridge!



♪ ♪


Oh, boy.


♪ ♪

Oh my God!

It's happening!

This is the runner's high!

This is the first time in a
long time that I feel present.

I know, I thought my
stress had gone away,

but I was just distracting myself.

We're actually looking at each other.

I know.

Fred, I gotta say,
I couldn't do this without you.

The race?

Any of it.


♪ ♪


♪ ♪



Darling, give it a rest.

You know your powers don't work here.


- Margaret.
- Yeah?

I just want what's best for this city.

Didn't you once want that too?

Of course. Son, that's what we've...

That's what we've both
wanted for centuries.

We just want to keep the world

the way we always remembered it.

Listen, if you want
access to the bridge,

I require only one thing.

And I think it's something

that you're gonna be willing to give.



♪ ♪


♪ ♪


I'm sorry. I'm apologizing!
I never apologize!


This is a race course, ma'am!

Dolly, I want to apologize!



♪ ♪

And here they come...

- Dolly! Turn around and look at me!
- No!


Dolly! Wait!

What are you clapping about? Dolly!

coming up from behind!

Over here!


There she is, coming in right
in the front

- of the line now.
- Dolly!


, now coming in first.

- Dolly!
- Congratulations!


Dolly, I am so sorry for my behavior.

Do you know what?
You don't have to apologize.

I just ran faster than I've
ever run in my whole life

because I was so scared of you.

Thank you, Candace.

I suppose I... I did do
something kind for once.


♪ ♪

- Do you want to go celebrate?
- No way!

That felt great!

♪ ♪

Hey, guys!

Oh, I can't believe it!

- We did it!
- Fred, I'm proud of us.

- I am too!
- Hey, bitches.

- Hi!
- You did it!

- Yeah.
- I'm proud of you.


You know, I just... I just wanted to say

you did not need to lead me on,

or, like, give me false encouragement.

I... I could've done this on my own.

Yeah, no, Carrie, I knew you could.

I just thought that a little
crush would help motivate you.

With Fred, I could tell that he responds
to being ignored, so...

I was just doing my job.

Well, I guess I'm stupid,

but I just caught real feelings, so...

I'm sorry. I think you're cute, Carrie.

And I really do like you
when you're sweaty.

But the truth is, I could
never date any of my clients,

because I am married to The Jim.

Sort of cliché, right?

No, really, I am married to The Jim.


Oh, yeah, I... I get it now.

Yeah, we're not open yet,
but we're discussing it.

Okay, yeah, keep me posted.

- I will. See you around.
- Thanks, Bailey.

Yeah, congratulations again!

- She's a good trainer.
- Yeah, really?

Fred! Carrie!

BOTH: Mr. Mayor!

How did you like the marathon?

- Loved it.
- You know what?

Actually, it was pretty great.

And how about that shape?

The route was the shape of a rose.

Oh, yeah. Sorry, we didn't...
we didn't notice that.

Yeah, we're in it,
so we couldn't really see it.

- It was really good though.
- Yeah.

Um, so I'm, uh,

I'm gonna be heading out.

All right.

I wanted to come and say good-bye

to my two favorite Portlanders.

Great, yeah. Back to the office?

Yeah, yeah, in... in a sense.



♪ ♪

Oh, my sweet Fred. [CHUCKLES]

Mr. Mayor!

Call me Sean.

- Sean.
- Sean.


♪ ♪


All right.

You two be strong.

- Okay.
- All right.

There's no going back, you know.

Right or wrong,

you can't go back.

- Where's he going?
- I don't know.

- Sean?
- Hey, Sean?

Where you going?


Is he not hearing... Sean!

Sean, where are you going?



♪ ♪



♪ ♪


Yes, Ms. Mayor?

♪ ♪

Shall we begin?

♪ ♪


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