01x13 - The Election

[bunniefuu]

(bell rings)

♪ When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning ♪

♪ I don't think I'll ever make it on time ♪

♪ By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look ♪

♪ I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

♪ If the teacher pops a test I know I'm in a mess ♪

♪ And my dog ate all my homework last night ♪

♪ Ridin' low on my chair, she won't know that I'm there ♪

♪ If I can hand it in tomorrow it will be all right ♪

♪ It's all right ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ♪

♪ It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the bell ♪

As you can see, school elections are being held this week.

My best friend Jessie Spano is running for student body president.

As for me, I only run for buses, blondes and brunettes.

Hey Jessie, being president is a waste of time.

It's like being a lifeguard for a birdbath.

No, it isn't. It's an important job.

I care about the student body.

I care about a student body, too -- hers.

And that's one campaign you're never going to win.

This is important to me.

My mother got involved in the '60s and she made such a difference.

I want to make a contribution too.

So give your old jeans to Goodwill.

Jessie, how long have we been friends?

Ever since toddler group, when you forgot your teddy bear and borrowed my blankie.

Keep Teddy out of this.

The point I'm trying to make is that student government is a joke.

I mean, look at the geeks who run.

Oh, thanks, Zack. Except for you.

What I'm trying to say is, nothing ever gets changed around here.

Zack, if you don't like the way things are, why don't you put your money where your mouth is and run?

Me, run?

That's like asking Roseanne Barr to skip a meal.

Well, well, as Faculty Election Advisor, I'd like to welcome you to the fray, Miss Spano.

Thank you, Mr. Dewey.

Are you joining us in class, Mr. Morris?

I'll be there in a minute, Mr. Dewey.

I just have to go to my locker to get my tape recorder.

I'd hate to miss a single X or Y.

You make light of algebra now, but when you're all grown up and your friends are making logarithm jokes at parties, you won't have a clue as to what everybody's laughing at.

Mr. Dewey, good news.

The grant from the Student Government Foundation came through.

Hot dog.

Imagine a free trip to Washington DC.

For the winner of the student body election, the faculty advisor, and most importantly the school principal.

I can't wait.

I'll never forget the last time Mrs. B and I went to Washington.

We got arrested for skinny-dipping in the Potomac.

That's a Kodak moment.

We want this trip to be a surprise for the lucky student who wins.

Then let's go to Washington without him.

A free trip to Washington? No school for a week?

I think it's time to get involved and give something back.

But I'm still keeping Jessie's blankie.

The filing deadline for the school election is today and we have only one name for president.

Jessie Spano.

Why don't you run too, Lisa?

I wouldn't run against Jessie. She's my friend.

Besides, I couldn't give up Saturdays.

That's when I get my facial and body wrap.

How about you, Slater?

Oh, I can't, sir. I'm her body wrapper.

Now is not the time to go to the bathroom. Sit tight.

I want to run, sir.

You? Zack?

Morris? He's good for America!

Zack, are you serious? Well, yes.

I'm inspired by the words of the Beach Boys, "Be True to Your School."

Your patriotism is giving me "good, good, good vibrations."

(bell rings)

Okay, Zack. What is going on?

Maybe you're right. Maybe it's time for me to be a good American.

If you were a good American you'd have left the country years ago.

Jessie, I'm running and you can't stop me, okay?

Okay, Zack. Go ahead and run.

But I'm warning you, I'm going to kick your butt.

Mr. Morris, would you care to rebut?

I'll wipe her out.

That's the spirit. Let the campaign begin!

And if I'm elected student body president, I promise to uphold our school constitution, and I promise to promote a healthier, more productive environment by removing all products with artificial ingredients from school vending machines. Thank you.

Woo! (laughs)

(light applause)

Regarding our school constitution -- who cares?

And as for artificial ingredients, I think they've gotten a bum rap.

Do you want to live a life without pizza, nachos, or hot dogs?

No! Never!

Ladies and gentlemen, the candidates:

Jessie Spano and Zack Morris.

(applause, cheers)

Nice speech, Jessie. Thanks, Max.

I hope I can count on your support.

Thanks, Max.

Max, whose side are you on?

All right!

You can count on me as your right-hand man.

Thanks a lot.

Hey Jessie, can I be your campaign manager?

You? Lisa, we don't have much in common.

I know you think I'm about as deep as a Frisbee.

But, Jessie, there's a lot more than you realize underneath this adorable exterior.

Gee, I don't know.

Courtney? Chelsea? Will you vote for Jessie?

Like, sure.

Like, totally, if you want us to.

Forget Federal Express. I can deliver.

Looks like I've got a new campaign manager.

Kelly, you want to sign up to work for me?

Put me down as a maybe. Maybe? What does that mean?

I can't make up my mind between you and Zack without getting all the information and listening to all the speeches.

It wouldn't be fair.

Fair?! What does fair have to do with it?! We are women!

We go to the bathroom together!

We vote together.

I can't believe this is you. Who cares who it is?

Just vote for me. Come on I voted for you for cheerleader, didn't I?

That's different. I'm one piece of a pyramid.

You're going to run the whole school. It's a big decision.

Oh, women!

Soon, I'll be president and on my way to Washington.

I hate to break it to you, but George Bush b*at you to it.

Screech, read my lips --

The president of the student body gets a free trip to Washington.

It's a secret. You tell anyone, you get this.

Hey, careful!

My doctor says my skull hasn't fully hardened yet.

Do me a favor and go to your mom's travel agency, and get me some brochures.

Okay. And Zack, don't worry. I won't tell my mom what city they're for.

Hey, Slater! My main man!

Forget it. I'm voting for Jessie.

Come on, Slater. We're men. We go to the bathroom together.

We vote together.

What would the world be like if a woman ran it?

Less violent and color-coordinated?

Either you're with me or you're not.

You know, you're right. I'm not.

Hey Jessie. You think Zack's up to something?

He's awake, isn't he?

Sorry, Screech, I didn't see you, man. You all right?

I hope I didn't hurt you.

"Washington After Dark:

Sipping Ale with the Quayles"?

What's all this for?

My name is Screech Powers.

My address is 88 Edgemont Road.

I'd rather die than talk.

Talk about what?

I'm on a secret political mission, and Zack would k*ll me if I told you these were for him.

Wait a minute. These are for Zack?

How did you know? Who squealed?

Why does Zack want travel brochures for Washington?

I can't say.

Now I can. It just came to me.

Zack somehow found out the winner of the election goes on a trip to Washington. Let me down.

So that's what he's up to.

You aren't going to ruin Zack's fun are you?

Screech, the fun is about to begin.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the buffest principal of all?

You are, you stud muffin, you.

Slater, I was, uh, rapping with the mirror.

I see you're working out.

Always, Slater. Just thought I'd pump a little iron.

My body didn't get like this overnight, you know.

Oh, I'm sure it took days, sir.

It kind of gives you something to sh**t for, doesn't it, son?

Sure does.

I just wanted to say, I hope you have a great time in Washington.

Thank you. See ya.

Whoa, whoa, wait a second.

How did you know I was going to Washington?

Well, Zack told me.

I guess he's just lucky that the year he ran is the year there's a free trip.

So that's why he's running.

Mr. Belding, are you saying Zack would run just to get out of school and miss homework so he could party his brains out?

Slater, sweet, innocent man-child.

Zack Morris is like a vacuum cleaner.

He'll suck you in if he can.

But I've got a plan of my own, and I'm going to pull his plug right now.

(woman whistling) Nice legs!

Just as soon as I get dressed.

Mr. Dewey?

Present. Mr. Dewey, class is almost over.

Don't be sad, we'll meet again tomorrow.

No, I mean, you know...

Oh, I forgot.

Zack would like to show a campaign video he has prepared.

Does anyone have any objections?

I object on behalf of the next president of the student body, Jessica Myrtle Spano.

All: Myrtle?

Myrtle's the name of my turtle.

We demand equal time.

You can tell us the name of your turtle later.

(patriotic music plays)

Man: America is Zack Morris country.

Oh, please! Shh!

From the very beginning, Zack showed he had much in common with the great leaders of yesterday.

Zack was born a baby, just like Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln were.

As he grew up, he got taller, exactly as those great leaders had centuries before.

Incredible, but true.

And there's more, much more.

Zack Morris is a man's man, and a ladies' man, a pal to the powerful and kind to the cuddly.

Oh-h!

Yet he always has time for the downtrodden, the poor unfortunates who have been cast out by society.

For all he has done, Zack Morris has been recognized as a leader among leaders.

(screaming)

Thank you. But please, let's keep the fainting to a minimum.

I want to be your president. Remember my motto, "Wherever there's trouble, that's where I'll be."

Zack Morris. Why the heck not?

(applause)

Oh, come on. Give us a break.

This is outrageous. He's making a "mocracy" of "demockery."

Does anyone wish to comment on this video?

At first I was undecided, but now after watching this video full of blatant propaganda, I am now leaning toward Jessica Myrtle.

Could you just please lean to my first name?

(bell rings)

Zack, I know you found out about the Washington trip and that's why you're running.

That's a nasty charge, sir. Maybe it is, but the only way you can prove that it isn't true, is by staying in the race now that the Washington trip's been canceled.

Canceled?

Oh yeah, funding fell through. But we'll have loads of laughs at those after-school and weekend meetings.

We're going to be buddies.

Hey Zack! The latest poll has you 70%, Jessie 30.

You can't lose!

Way to go, Zack.

Or should I say, President Morris?

I don't want to win, but I'm afraid I can't lose.

One thing's for sure -- I can't quit.

But wait, there is someone who can b*at me in this election.

Who? Zack "moi."

Jessie, as your campaign manager and your friend, you have got to listen to me.

I am going to tell you this as gently as I can.

You're going down the toilet.

Am I really losing, Kelly?

You are flush city.

Zack's got the nerds, the geeks, the jocks and the party animals.

That's what I call a Rainbow Coalition.

You can count on the Chess Club, the Latin Club and the Future Orthodontists of America.

This is terrible. What am I going to do?

You've got to change your image. Yeah, you've got to lighten up.

You know, be cool. Appeal to more of the people.

He's right. If you don't change your image by tomorrow's debate you're going to go down in history with George McGovern, Walter Mondale and the Cleveland Indians.

All right, I'm desperate.

We've got 12 hours to turn my campaign around.

I will do anything.

Mr. Dewey: Welcome to our presidential debate.

Since Miss Spano is late it would not be a good idea to start with her.

Mr. Morris, you may go first.

Thank you, Mr. Dewey.

I love this school. I love it so much I propose extending the school day to 12 hours and doing away with holidays and weekends.

And I want to keep the library open 'round the clock, because I intend to ask the teachers to double-- no make that triple the amount of homework we receive in each course.

And furthermore, I propose that we--

(pop music playing)

Hit it girl!

Now chill out, okay?

Like, I don't know what he said and, like, I don't care.

I just want to know, you know, are you guys in favor of MTV during study hall?

All: Yeah!

Then, like, if I'm elected, we're not gonna study, we're gonna party!

(cheering)

Vote for me, okay? 'Cause then we'll take, like, totally rad field trips to the mall.

(cheering)

And when I'm elected, like, there will be hall passes on demand, for sure.

For sure!

And now, the awesome one, detention will be for teachers instead of students.

(all chanting) Jessie! Jessie!

Zack, you've got big trouble. According to my latest poll, your lead's down to a couple of votes!

Great! Not great.

Look at these demographics. You're still okay with the geeks, the party's over with the party animals, you've still got the nerds with glasses, but the nerds without glasses can't see you at all.

And you're losing your jock support.

Screech, the trip to Washington has been canceled.

I want to lose. You going to help me?

Yeah, Zack, but it hurts.

I was kind of hoping you'd appoint me First Dweeb.

Screech, you'll always be First Dweeb.

I just got eight guys to switch their votes to Jessie.

How'd you do that?

I promised to go to the movies with them.

How are you going to the movies with eight guys?

It's easy -- four on each side. Besides, they're cute.

I love politics.

That was some stunt you pulled during the debate. I'm impressed.

I'm not. I never thought I'd stoop so low to win.

Screech says the election's real close.

May come down to whose staff works harder.

Here's a quarter. Vote for Jessie.

Here's some quarters. Vote for Jessie.

Zack takes ballet lessons. Pass it on.

I knew Zack was pro-nerd.

I hope you weren't hurt by that smear campaign against you.

How'd you know about that?

There were rumors flying all around about you.

You're not really Belding's son are you?

Is that what they're saying about me?

Good.

Hey, you guys, you both did great. Good luck.

Thank you, Kelly. I wanted to vote for both of you, but I couldn't. So who did you vote for?

I didn't think it was fair the way they were slandering Zack.

I know you're not going to like this, Jessie, but I voted for him. You voted for Zack?

How could you do that to me?

How could you do that to me? I mean...

How could you do that to her?

I'm only one vote. I don't believe this!

Me neither.

For student body president, these people got the following write-in votes:

Jason Bateman, nine;

ALF, seven;

Gilligan, six;

♪ And the Skipper, two ♪ (laughs)

Now for our two main candidates.

The tension mounts. Oh, what a feeling.

Jessie Spano, 342 votes.

(cheers)

Zack Morris...

343 votes.

(cheers)

I demand a recount.

Jessie, I was only kidding.

I voted for Gilligan.

Congratulations, Zack. You've earned that trip to Washington.

Trip? But you said it was canceled.

That was just a test to see if you care more about yourself than the school.

But I was wrong about you, Zack.

You're a better man than I thought.

(knocking)

Zack? Hi. Can I come in?

You've been coming in that window for the past 10 years.

Well... actually, I came by to return something.

What?

Your blankie.

I think I can get along without it now.

So how you doing?

Fine.

By the way, congratulations on your victory.

Thanks. I'm sorry you lost.

It's okay.

I'm really happy for you.

Jessie, you're crying.

I always cry when I'm happy. I sob at "The Three Stooges."

Being elected president would've meant a lot to you, wouldn't it?

Yeah... but it's over now.

Oh, hey, I heard you won a trip to Washington, too.

I hope you enjoy it.

Jessie, I have to tell you something.

I knew about the trip all along.

That's the only reason why I ran against you.

What? You mean that's all you cared about?

I also cared about getting a week off from school.

Look, I really wanted that trip.

But I want your friendship more.

I'm going to Belding to resign.

Am I hearing what I think I'm hearing?

Yeah.

I want you to be president and go to Washington.

That city needs someone honest.

I'm sorry I hurt you.

Now I feel bad.

Well, here's someone who might help.

Bear-bear!

I mean... Teddy.

Still friends?

Forever.

(instrumental theme music plays)